THE ACTUAl TAKE OFF!
I WAS SCREAMING INSIDE, AND I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I CAN’T LET MY LIFE HAPPPEN TO ME.
It just occurred to me that I have had freelance work for about two months now. I had been focusing on wanting (and not having) a full time job that I wasn’t seeing or fully appreciating what I did have in front of me. And the stress over the job search has taken energy away from all the oppourtunities around me, my projects, and my desire to learn and create and manifest. I focus, and momentarily forget, and I have to bring myself back. When I said I want to be my own hero, that is what I meant. Most of the time that I feel compelled to make a zine, I am grounding myself, reminding myself of what I care about, why I want to be here for myself. Sometimes I wonder how many times I’ll have to say these things. But it is what it is, and I’ll say it as many times as I need it. It’s humbling to see that this a process, and that re-learning and becoming takes time.
I grew up thinking that boredom was bad, and I’ve never felt comfortable with the feeling. It helps that I can easily entertain myself, and that even on my laziest days I can read for hours. Except that for a bit I couldn’t shake the feeling of utter and complete boredom. Until very recently I felt restless and bored bored bored. For a moment it just felt as if I was screaming inside, that so much anguish was sitting on my chest. I’ve asked myself over and over why my chest pulls, why I feel so heavy sometimes. And the other night that anguish felt so clear to me. It hurts because I want more. I need more from my life, and I was unhappy because I felt that I was waiting, and that my life was happening to me, and I was just reacting. I can’t do that. I see so much magic and possibility here, and I don’t want to settle for any less.
What I want is basically a life in which I am independent and grounded and skilled. I want to know that even if I need to make another zine to bring myself back, I can ultimately count on myself to see my visions through. I want to be able to say: yeah imma move here now and work on this project, and then ill put my money into this short film, and then Iâ€™m gonna self publish a book, and then Iâ€™ll learn more of this thing because I want to make something new. Other than loving, I feel happiest when Iâ€™m creating and putting cool things in my brain. With time I might be okay with boredom, but for now I want to engage and feel excited.
I have to keep showing up, because blessings and support come when I do my part. And there’s so much I would like to see through. I need to be in the space for that to even happen. I’ve been coming to the city every day to put in work, and give my commitment and genuine intention to my goals. Want to be in the flow of creating + learning + manifesting. I am showing up, I am here for myself. I want to feel that my life is mine. I am tired of feeling that I’m dimming myself. I have so much love and support to give, and I want to put more of my energy and love into the things and people that I’m here for.
I’M PUTTING LESS WEIGHT ON MY PRAYERS, AND MORE ON ACTUAL ACTIONS THAT ALTER THE ENERGY AND COURSE OF THINGS.
GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH AND LET THE MAGIC OF FOCUS AND COMMITMENT ADVANCE MY GOALS AND AGENDA. COMING FOR YOU!
Something in me snapped, and I'm fighting to like my life more.