FILAM September 2018

Issue 7, September 2018 More stories on the web @ TheFilAm.net

Seniors advocate Consuelo Almonte, then & now p10 PAL opens direct flight to Manila in October p15 Commitment to family vs personal choices in 'Crazy Rich Asians' p13

Letter from the Publisher

Connie & Emil: The young, the restless

T

he indomitable Consuelo Almonte, who will be 81 years old on September 4, and Emil Kelso, a gangly and handsome 15-year-old, are our cover personalities this month.

Although generations apart, their stories are alike in some ways.

Emil is growing up to be a gender non-conforming individual, one who resists being labeled either male or female.

With the variety of identities out there, he’s determined to find out what he truly is. But gender is not Emil’s struggle; bullying in school is. Some days he chooses to ignore, other times he is prone to fight back, not by knocking down the bullies but in a comeuppance that is culturally unique: He wants to curse them in Tagalog! It reveals the anger within in a way that is incomprehensible to his tormentors. His

Founding Editor Cristina DC Pastor Business & Advertising Manager Rene Pastor

mother Tricia J. Capistrano, who wrote the touching essay on page 18, “Teaching My Son to Curse,” is trying to understand Emil’s desired response.

When Consuelo was Emil’s age, she fell in love with a

Filipino man whose personal background was unknown to her. She eloped with him much to the disappointment of her family. Connie, as she is known to family and friends, came to the U.S. to flee a marriage that

Address P.O. Box 8071 New York, NY 10116

Cristina DC Pastor

Contributing Writers

Contact Editorial: 848-219-0069 Advertising: 732-428-6318 Thefilamny@gmail.com

Tricia J. Capistrano

Elton Lugay

Joel David

Ludy AstraquilloOngkeko

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The FilAm is a publication of A&V Editorial THE FILAM |

brought shame to her family.

With determination to put her life together, she found her second chance in New York.

She held down two jobs while single-parenting her daughter.

She found love anew in a Biology teacher from Brooklyn, a Jewish man who spoiled her and adored her daughter. In our cover story on page 10, Connie, a collector of ceramic frogs, called Mark Shaffer the “frog who became a prince.”

Streaks of stubbornness run in both Connie and Emil, although firmness of character and decisiveness are evident at their young age. Both are fortunate to have families that support and love them without judgment and help them grow into individuals ready to face the world on their own.

2

Mariel Padilla Lindy Rosales

Inang

By Alex Brown

I will never forget seeing the rolling of the forests. It was a sea of green, and as we carved through I realised that this scenery, and this nature, was not foreign to me. When we first moved to New Zealand my parents would take me on countless road trips, and as an only child this would mean hours of this same activity. It was here a wave started to rise in my body.

M

y intention for this trip was to better understand my mother, from a culture and people and place, different from the one I know. But as I watched the trees glide past me and felt the tension building at my neck, I started to focus on not the differences but the similarities surrounding me. She would have looked out at a view like this many times. Did she also use the time to reflect upon her life and ideas like I do? I thought of everything I’ve felt, and dreamt, when I’m lost in thought, and I thought about the lessons I’ve learnt on my own. The little joys and frustrations that I’ve had as a girl becoming a woman, and I saw my mother with the same laugh and furrow in her brow.

Also, alone. I saw her contemplating her future. Did she also have the same amount of raw determination but equal amount of confusion for the abundance of aspirations she held? When she thought of the family that she might have one day, how much love did she think they would give her? Did she think about the connection she might have had with her mother? I think about my own hopes and expectations for the future, and I imagine they are similar to hers. I desperately want to have been enough for the girl I think of, I wish I could have understood and made her happy, I want to go back in time and give my mother her dreams, but as the wave hits my eyes, I realise I haven’t and I can’t.

Now that I’m home, I look through some of her old photos and I feel so

‘I want to go back in time and give my mother her dreams…’ far away. I watch as she explores new countries, gets her first office job, meets the love of her life, and I hope she is happy at how it all turned out. I want to know more, and I think less about wanting to understand her, and more about accepting her for who she is and walking beside her on her journey. She is not an enigma that I need to study to understand. She is a human, she is a woman, she is my mother.

Like finding a rope in the dark, I feel as if this connection to her has allowed me to find the path to a part of me that I had always closed off. On the other side of guilt, shame and wasted opportunity, I find comfort in the laughter that I save for those situations of uncontrollable hilarity, an understanding of the physical touch I am unafraid of, and a home THE FILAM |

The author and her Ilocana mother enjoying the ocean waves in Sydney for the parts of myself that I’ve always felt are ‘too much.’

So, for this I thank my mother. A woman who I neglected to appreciate was the woman that fed me, clothed me, that gave up her career for me, gave up her family for my own opportunity, that climbed so much higher and harder for her success, and I am what she has to show for it. It is a privilege, that I’ll never forget again, to be your daughter.

Alexandra Brown is a 22-year-old Filipino-British woman who was born 3

in the UK, grew up in New Zealand and now lives in Sydney, Australia.

Her father is from England, and her mother was born and raised in Ilocos Norte, Philippines. She is currently working as an HR Coordinator with an ultimate goal of being as impactful as possible, by realising potential and bringing people together. A recent visit to the Philippines, through Diskubre Tour, inspired her to write this piece about her mother from one “privileged to be your daughter.”

Mabuhay, Johanne Jazmin Tan Jabines!

F

The third Filipino to win the EnglishSpeaking Union - International Public Speaking Competition

or the third time in its 38-year history, a Filipino, Johanne Jazmin Tan Jabines, was declared champion in the world’s largest public speaking competition held in London last May. She is a 20-year-old University of the Philippines 4th year business administration and accountancy student who won the English-Speaking Union - International Public Speaking Competition open to participants aged 16 to 20.

To reach that summit, she first had to win among 60 other contestants in the Philippines. This was her second try, after making it to the top 3 in the previous year.

Then, in London, among public speaking winners from 53 countries, only seven finalists were chosen on the last day of the competition. As part of the five-day programme, the participants

received training in public speaking and debating skills before competing in the elimination rounds.

Aside from the Philippines’ Ms. Jabines, the other finalists were students from China, Lebanon, South Korea, Hong Kong, Estonia, and USA. Each was given five minutes to speak about the topic, “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.”

Ms. Jabines spoke eloquently about how her aunt, an overseas Filipino worker (OFW) who has been away for 10 years had only a one-hour layover in Manila before she would have to board the plane to go back to Thailand where she works as a teacher.

She spoke of the hardship and sacrifices that overseas Filipinos endure living abroad usually away from their own families, spouses and children, some of them undocumented. We call them TNT or “Tago nang Tago,” a Filipino term for one who is “always hiding.”

Yet, each one invents new ways to connect with his or her relatives and with their identity as Filipinos. Through the Internet. Through visits back home.

Through showcasing Filipino culture and traditions.

When asked during the Q and A if OFWs should stay in their native land to make it better, Ms. Jabines replied, to loud applause, that due to the lack of economic opportunities back home, it is unfair to prohibit them from seeking a better future for themselves and their families.

The speech that won her a spot among the seven finalists is the more gripping, entitled “Great Artists Have No Country,” which we are reprinting on this page.

The champion is from Metro Manila who grew up in Paranaque City. She intends to be a lawyer after graduation.

The first Filipino to win this competition was Patricia Evangelista in 2004. Gian Karlo Dapul won it in 2008. Ten years later, Ms. Jabines bagged the top prize.

Great art ist s have no country

By Johanne Jazmin Tan Jabines

Come visit one of the happiest countries in the world!

Mine! No matter how many typhoons flood our cities, or how many earthquakes turn our buildings into dust, we Filipinos will flash their smiles to the rest of the world and say "Mabuhay!" Cheers to life!

But lately, our streets have been busy with something more sinister, with noise so loud yet only few seem to hear it. Bad weather is hardly our biggest threat. Like hawks that stalk their prey, masked men on motorcycles rule the night, parading on the streets with their guns, and newspaper and cardboard to drape over their fallen targets. Why hold a proper burial for the guilty?

Due process dies when we are asleep.

The so-called war on drugs has reduced many of our countrymen into statistics — there have been anywhere between 12,000 to 20,000 slain with total impunity, ostensibly because of billions worth of methamphetamine that most of them never carried. Families have been called collateral damage. A veil of ignorance shrouds the truth. But there are those who choose to break through this shroud. They hear what we can't hear, and say what we refuse to say. While the rest fall silent to the beat of gunshots, our artists use their talents as a conscious act of defiance.

Instead of music from festivals, demonstrators fill the streets with their chants of protest. On the anniversary of Martial Law last year, an effigy called Rody's Cube became the headline of international media. It worked like a Rubik's cube, except that on each wall was a painted caricature of Hitler, Ferdinand Marcos, Duterte, and a puppet. Their faces could be twisted and joined with each other — a Frankenstein of dictators — created by street artists.

Speaking of twisted, Art transcends the brokenness of its medium. Consider Guernica, one of Picasso’s most powerful works. Guernica depicts the Spanish civil war. Every being in the painting is deathly pale: the frightened horses, the grotesque bull, the woman on the left cradling her dead baby.

These are the horrors of war - destruction, cruelty - made simple, and so all the more heartbreaking.

Picasso’s work remains timeless because Guernica took life beyond its canvas, as protesters all over the word appropriated its image to respond to war and violence.

Art exists to let us frame the human experience and intimately paint the lives of those who otherwise bear no connection to us. Great artists have no

THE FILAM |

4

country. We live in a time of national isolation, and during these times, it is the job of an artist to rebuild the bridges others have sought to destroy. The whole world is now the great artist’s landscape.

Two years ago, a photo of a wailing widow clasping her dead husband in her arms made it to the cover of The New York Times. She holds on to her love ever so tightly. This is our modern-day Pieta — a stark recreation of Mother Mary clasping in her arms the body of Jesus.

When I saw that photo last year, I finally had a glimpse of what their grief and desperation looked like.

For the longest time, I had faced the other way because I could sleep at peace, and couldn’t see beyond the numbers and the statistics. A veil of ignorance shrouded my judgment. But with art, I could finally see what I needed to see, and I could hear their cries of justice.

With powerful art that knows no boundaries, but instead abides by universal principles of justice, peace, and mutual respect, Filipinos transform the crimes on our streets into portraits of defiance, while appealing to the rest of the world to listen to the cries for justice.

And until these cries are heard, this is how our artists will continue to greet everyone with “Mabuhay!”

The story of FAHSI

and its visionary co-founder Jean Lobell

J

ean Raymundo Lobell is not your average FilAm community leader.

She is hardly ever around, meaning not so much in the public eye. If she is, it’s because the organization she co-founded, FAHSI, is lending support or leading awareness to a cause –immigration issues, senior or youth services, college access, or women’s issues — that’s dear to her.

When I met up with her at her office at the Community Resource Exchange, a management consulting firm where she is the Chief Program Officer, she appeared uncomfortable being photographed, even more so being asked questions.

“I don’t mind being interviewed in the dark,” she said smiling and with a hint of rectitude, as I was turning on the lights, opening the window shades in the conference room where I was setting up my video camera for the interview.

That’s Dr. Jean Raymundo Lobell of the Filipino American Human Services, Inc. – kind of reserved, a little self-effacing, somewhat guarded, and probably wondering what the fuss is about and why she is being interviewed almost a quarter century after she co-founded the first social services organization in the Filipino community.

Not much is known about Jean and the idea she and lawyer Reuben Seguritan “hatched” when they set up FAHSI in 1993 as a non-profit organization.

And so one afternoon in April 2017, I had an opportunity to sit down with this tireless, spark plug of a visionary who has made it her lifetime commitment to work with organizations to support them in finding solutions to social problems.

“At that time,” Jean recalled, “we (Filipinos) were the only Asian American group that did not have a human services organization.”

Around the time also, she and Reuben were on the board of the Asian American Federation, a non-profit umbrella of community agencies in the fields of health

By Cristina DC Pastor

Jean with grandson Jasper who is 4 years old in this photo.

‘We spent a lot of time thinking what will be our next move.’ The FilAm Photos & human services, education, economic development, civic participation, and social justice. AAF provided the encouragement as well as the seed grant that got FAHSI on its feet.

FAHSI was founded to serve sectors of the FilAm community that the FAHSI community needs assessment found to be underserved.

“In the early days, we were doing a lot of youth programming, and then eventually senior programming,” began Jean.

FAHSI engaged and provided services to seniors and youth and connected undocumented immigrants to city agencies that could help with their status. Until the financial crisis hit. In 2008, FAHSI, like many other nonprofit organizations, had slowed down, almost never heard from. The talk of the community was FAHSI had folded.

No one wanted to speak on the record, but many knew grants have stopped coming. During this difficult period, Jean was not on the board of directors.

“Funding got very tight. That was during the financial crisis,” she said.

“We left our office in Jamaica. We didn’t have staff anymore. That was a challenging time.” It was at this point that the former executive director asked Jean to return to the FAHSI Board About three years ago, FAHSI decided to revisit its mission and programs despite thread-thin resources.

They received a grant from the Asian American Federation to do another community needs assessment and hold THE FILAM |

strategic planning which resulted in what is called “re-missioning.” This involved rethinking how to continue to best serve the community.

“Right now FAHSI is focusing on a systematic and integrated referral program,” said Jean.

“It’s unrealistic to address all of the issues that were surfaced in the community needs assessment – immigration, health, youth, senior and women’s issues, and college access — all at once. It requires a lot of funding and staffing. But if we can refer them to the right organizations, we can partner with those organizations and provide those organizations with some cultural competencies to better serve the Fil-Am community,” she said.

For example, Filipino women who are victims of domestic violence could be referred by FAHSI to organizations that serve abused women since there is no FilAm organization that serves this specific population, Jean lamented. The referral program is still in a “process of conceptualization and development,” she said. “We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what should be our next move.”

Caught up in Martial Law Jean came to the U.S. in 1966 on a Fulbright fellowship, landing at the University of Minnesota where she completed a master’s degree in Social Psychology.

As a condition of her fellowship, she returned to the Philippines and taught at the Ateneo Department of Psychology, eventually becoming its 5

chairperson. She returned to the U.S. in 1969 to pursue her doctoral studies at Columbia University. While in the U.S., martial law was declared in the Philippines in 1972.

“I was going to return but I wasn’t sure whether it was the kind of political climate that I would like to be in,” she said. “My brother and sister were going to school here (in the U.S.) and my mother came here (to join us). In essence, we were caught up in martial law.”

With a doctorate in Organizational Psychology from Columbia, Jean – whose parents are from Pasig and Bulacan – interned at Chase Manhattan Bank. This led to a formal position as an educational analyst. She left the bank as Assistant Vice President for Corporate Training and Development, after nine years.

“From there I was headhunted to go to Bankers Trust, which is now Deutsche Bank,” Jean continued. As a Corporate Director for Executive Development, she traveled a lot. “Once a quarter, I would travel to Asia, another quarter to the Middle East.

Twice a year I’d be in either London or Paris or Geneva.”

FAHSI was the product of her long and deep background rooted in community development.

“I’ve always felt that when you are fortunate enough to be able to be what you want to be, you have some obligation to give back, so to speak,” she said.

Jean lives in Westchester with her husband Alan who is a real estate developer. She has a son, James who lives with his family in Oberlin, Ohio. He works as an architectural preservationist in an architectural firm in Cleveland and his wife is a curator at the Oberlin College Museum. Her eyes sparkled in delight when asked about a grandson.

Jasper is 5 years old.

“He’s just…great.”

A mother’s ‘special place’ for adults with autism

I

n the beginning of her journey into autism advocacy, Lirio Sobreviñas-Covey was like some parents whose children had the condition: “I was in denial.”

She and her husband Michael brushed aside unwelcome remarks that their younger son, Mikey, was too quiet, too slow, and a little delayed in his speech. They saw some troubling clues, but as a psychologist and a long-time professor of psychology at Columbia University, she knew individuals develop at their own pace. The Coveys have an older son, Billy, who was precocious as a boy.

A neurologist used the term Pervasive Developmental Disorder to describe Mikey’s condition. It turned out to be the umbrella term for Minimal Brain Dysfunction, a form of learning disability that can mean anything from speech delay to Attention Deficit Disorder. It was the ‘70s. Autism was already a medical term but used sparingly at the time, and Lirio said the doctor wanted to be careful.

“I cried,” she confided when interviewed by The FilAm. “I cried.”

She called her mother in the Philippines and cried some more.

Mikey was later diagnosed with autism

since he was 2, were present. We were thrilled.”

While Mikey lived in the Covey home in Westchester, New York for the most part, he eventually settled in a cottage in Armonk when he turned 23 where he continues to live with five other adults. During the day, he attends a workshop where he performs various clerical assignments and participated regularly in recreational and sports activities with the Lirio and Mikey catch the Broadway musical supervision of adults trained in ‘The King and I.’ Mikey has seen autism-friendly the care of autism. performances, such as ‘Lion King,’ ‘Aladdin,’ and It is this concept of a “family ‘Spider-Man’ — some of them more than once! home” that Lirio would like to introduce in the Philippines around the age of 9. At the time, he was a through the Association for student at a public elementary school in Adults with Autism Philippines (AAAP), Westchester County. It was a small class an organization she founded in 2011. for children with developmental disabiliThe U.S. Center of Diseases Prevention ties, and he was one of only six students. and Control estimated in 2014 that He graduated as a special student 500,000 children may have autism in the from the Thornwood Westchester High Philippines.

School at the age of 21. Recalled Lirio in “No reliable epidemiological count has a published interview, “He sat calmly at been done in the Philippines,” said Lirio. the dais through the speeches and went Also unknown is the number of adults to receive his diploma from the principal with autism. when his name was called. My husband The family home being envisioned will and I, his Uncle Ricky, and Inez, his nanny be called A Special Place. It is a cluster of

By Cristina DC Pastor

cottages spread over 9,000 square feet of land in Alfonso, Cavite where residents can function to the best of their abilities, some by reading, playing sports or growing vegetables. Mikey has been observed to be fond of gardening.

“For a resident in A Special Place, the AAAP is thinking of a monthly charge of P50,000 (approx. $925),” said Lirio. For those who cannot afford, AAAP may need to tap generous individuals or companies for support.

AAAP New York has begun a fundraising project called Salosalo Autismo.

Explained Lirio, “Salosalo Autismo is a movable gathering of friends devoted to helping Filipinos with autism and their families manage the challenges of living with autism.” The project is looking forward to holding a benefit musical concert, and a special production of “SESAR”

by Ma-Yi Theatre where part of theater proceeds will go to AAAP. The goal is to raise funds and related resources towards the first multipurpose living community for adults with autism being developed in Cavite.

It’s a daunting project, and the first time Lirio is getting fully engaged in fundraising. “We have a very good idea, have planned terrific programs but we need to raise money, a good sum of money.”

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6

Manny Pacquiao looms large as Jersey City and GenSan become sister cities

By Cristina DC Pastor

Jersey City Mayor Steven Fulop said he was looking forward to visiting General Santos City because he wanted to meet Senator Manny Pacquiao.

T

he audience reacted with delight. It was a flippant comment remarked during the August 14 signing ceremony of the Sister Cities agreement between Jersey City and GenSan, but one reflecting the popular notion that GenSan’s most famous product is not its tuna but an international boxing icon.

GenSan is located in the South Cotabato province of Mindanao, a first-class municipality with an estimated population of half a million people. The city is named after General Paulino Santos, a bemedaled soldier who fought in a 1916 campaign to neutralize Moro rebels. He survived gunshot and bayonet wounds. For his extraordinary bravery, he was promoted and became Chief of Staff of the Philippine Army.

When officials from the two cities met for the signing ceremony – led

by Fulop and Council President Rolando Lavarro for Jersey City and Vice Mayor Shirlyn BanasNograles for GenSan – there was an air of anticipation throughout Jersey City’s City Hall Council Chambers, officials from both sides not knowing much about the other’s urban culture and expecting to be thrilled.

Kinding Sindaw delighted the audience with ceremonial welcome and harvest dances from the

The GenSan City Council, led by Vice Mayor Shirlyn Banas-Nograles (at far left), all dressed in barong.

Jersey City Mayor Steven Fulop and General Santos City Vice Mayor Shirlyn BanasNograles sign the sister city agreement as witnessed by their respective council members. Also in photo is organizer and GenSan native Darlene Dilangalen Borromeo. The FilAm Photos Maranao and Tiboli indigenous people. The performers’ stunning costumes made heads turn, while the rhythmic dynamism of their THE FILAM |

martial arts dance shattered the solemnity of city hall.

Fulop noted the significance of the sister cityhood on a personal 7

note. While Jersey City has Sister Cities agreements with about a dozen international metropolises, it’s the first time that one is being formalized during his term as mayor.

“I look forward to building a strong partnership and bond,” he said. “I do want to meet Senator Pacquiao.”

Vice Mayor Nograles stressed how sister-cityhood would “open doors to understanding,” and noted with a tinge of envy Jersey City’s geographic advantage being close to the “greatest city in the world.”

But she quickly added that GenSan is equally proud that the world’s legendary boxer Manny Pacquiao “hails from one of our poorest villages.”

She spoke about GenSan being the Tuna Capital of the Philippines with a daily output averaging 800 metric tons of tuna much of it exported for use as sashimi in Japanese restaurants.

The fishing industry provides livelihood to families and boosts the city’s revenue generated from the seven tuna processing plants in the city.

In an exchange of gifts, GenSan officials presented portrait paintings of Fulop and Lavarro framed in Tinalak weaves.

The GenSan City Council received a replica Statue of Liberty.

Outside was a heavy downpour.

Inside City Hall, it was a pleasant afternoon with officials and guests warmly hailing the occasion as historic and discussing prospects for exchange visits by teachers, students, and local officials.

Arts and technology will be traveling to one another’s shores, and a fashion show featuring a Mindanao-inspired clothing will unveil in a couple of days.

“Being from GenSan,” proclaimed organizer Darlene Dilangalen Borromeo, “this is awesome.”

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Victor Asuncion to hold

pay-it-forward concert on Sept 25

By Cristina DC Pastor

Classical pianist Victor Asuncion has this burning mission. He wants the world to know that Filipinos are excellent classical musicians and not just your after-hours Karaoke yodelers. He meant no shade. He was just stating that when it comes to music, Filipino talent runs a wide spectrum — from Broadway to pop to ‘kundiman’ to classical.

O

n September 25, Victor, 45, will have a solo concert at Steinway Hall on Sixth Avenue to sort of reintroduce himself as a classically trained pianist. “I call it my pay-it-forward concert.”

He had a promising start as one of the young prodigies of the Philippine High School for the Arts created

by Imelda Marcos in the 1970s. He became a sought-after accompanist for singers and bands in the years that followed. Despite his commercial success – he was teaching piano, playing with orchestras, and making his own money – he felt there was something missing.

“I was already established in Manila but I felt I wasn’t growing as an artist,” he said in an interview with The FilAm. He decided to come to the U.S. in 1993 as part of the Madrigal Singers tour on the urging of The Madz’s Andrea Veneracion, his mentor.

“She told me to leave the Philippines because nag-iistagnate na ako. Hindi na ako nag-iimprove. I was accepting all kinds of gigs and playing for the money,” he shared. “I felt stuck.”

In the U.S., he went right back to school. He completed his Master’s Degree (Piano Performance) at the Manhattan School of Music in 1999, and later his doctorate in Musical Arts (Collaborative Piano) at the University of Maryland at College Park in 2007.

Along the way, he met good-hearted friends and strangers who helped him logistically and boosted his morale as he focused on finding his place in America’s classical music scene. One of them is the family of Benny and Anita Jongco of New York.

“The Jongcos took me in and treated me like their own son. I call them my foster parents,” he said. “They introduced me to their friends. I would be giving piano lessons to their children and playing at their weddings.

We were in each other’s lives.” He is dedicating his Steinway concert to all of them.

est son. All five Asuncion siblings played the piano, but it was only Victor, the youngest, who made a life’s passion, and a profession, out of it.

At age 11, Victor decided to go for it and became a Makiling scholar. His mother was his biggest “accomplice.”

Apart from notable pianists Cecile Licad and Rowena Arrieta, there are other Filipino classical musicians out there trying to make a name for themselves, said Victor. “At Juilliard alone I know of three Filipinos who graduated from classical music.”

When he created the FilAm Music Foundation early this year with the intention of providing support to unheralded classical musicians, he thought of his early beginning in the U.S. With him in the foundation are musicians recognized for their artistry. Bass-baritone Enrico Lee Lagasca was praised by The New York Times for having "a beautiful sound." The San Francisco Chronicle hailed Carlos Avila, pianist, for his “beautiful command of tone and mood…and unruffleable savoirfaire.” Cellist Jay Campbell earned a mention from the Times for his "electrifying" performance.

“I came up with the idea of starting a foundation that focuses on promoting Filipino classical musicians

His concert is dedicated to the kindness of friends and strangers through scholarship assistance, and performance opportunities,” he said in the foundation website.

“While other cultures are clearly well-represented in the classical music field, there is a dearth of Filipino representation, even if there is a huge talent pool waiting to be tapped.”

Right now, Victor lives in Chicago where he continues to perform and runs his foundation. His husband Ariel Porcalla, 50, works as a medical director at a pharmaceutical company. They wed in December but have been together almost 20 years, catching each other’s eye right after Victor’s 1999 Carnegie Hall concert.

“He’s my biggest supporter,” he said. “We keep encouraging each other to go after each other’s dreams.”

||A family divided

It was the kind of support absent from his father when Victor was growing up. His father, who worked in the Middle East, did not entirely approve of piano as a serious pursuit for his young-

Also in the foundation are musicians, from left: Bass-baritone Enrico Lee Lagasca, cellist Jay Campbell, and pianist Carlos Avila.

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COVER STORY

Consuelo Almonte: A lifetime

of frogs and fond memories

By Cristina DC Pastor

If a book were to be written about Consuelo Almonte’s life, it would read a little bit Tom Clancy and a little bit Danielle Steele. There is romance, betrayal, some international intrigue, second chances, and a feel-good ending..

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n inventory of her 81 years reveals a redemption in mid-life and a realization by this tireless community leader and founder of the Philippine Community Center Services for the Aging (PCCSA) that everything happens for a reason.

If she did not get married after college to a man her family disapproved of, she wouldn’t find herself in New York where her father sent her to “get my life straightened out.” She found work at the Pakistani Mission to the United Nations while also running a French-style steak house as co-owner and night manager. She met a Jewish biology teacher at a divorce party in Downtown Manhattan, who turned out to be an affectionate husband and a caring stepfather to her daughter.

Mark Shaffer passed away last year from cardiac arrest.

Connie is all alone but surrounds herself with family and caring friends who make her happy. Her life is filled with community gatherings, meetings, visits to her daughter’s family in Poughkeepsie, and parties. She goes home to her apartment filled with photographs, paintings, and fond memories of Mark.

With television host Rachel Maddow when Connie worked as Assistant to the Press Minister of the Pakistani Mission to the UN.

||Kermit’s kingdom

“Toots, the frog population in this house is getting out of hand,” Mark used to tease her. Toots is his pet name for her.

Connie’s frog collection is all over her house – on top of the fridge, on bathroom shelves, on the dresser, and on every table where there is an empty spot. They’re mostly ceramic in many different sizes but there are also pillows and snow globes.

Kermit’s kingdom is a two-bedroom apartment in Richmond Hill.

At an event of the Ladies for Rizal where Connie inducted the new officers.

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Connie and Mark with grandchildren Cheyenne and Sebastian Clites

“I liked frogs for the fun of it, but then I had more fun when I told Mark I kissed a lot of frogs, and that he was the frog that turned into a prince, therefore these are his relics,” she said laughing in her recollection.

Connie loves to relive the happy times with Mark because once upon a time, she was almost trapped in a misguided marriage to a handsome jock in the Philippines.

Her father, a top official at the Bureau of Land, tried to deter her from marrying too young.

Instead of listening, Connie decided to elope with her boyfriend. A daughter was born of that marriage. Until Connie found out this man was having another relationship. She decided to leave him and went back to her family with her daughter.

However, he tracked her down at her work place and, with a gun to her head, asked her to return home and for them to start all over.

Her father, with the cooperation of her company, devised a plan to send her to the U.S. She came to New York in 1968 to pursue her master’s degree in Education at Hunter College. She was enrolled for a year when she found work at the Pakistani Mission as Secretary to the Press Counselor. She retired in 2011 after 43 years of service with the title of Assistant to the Press Minister.

||Dunhill

Her personal life no longer in disarray, Connie returned to the Philippines for a visit, the first

time since she departed to escape from her failed marriage. Her father welcomed her at the airport.

He never said anything, just pleased to see her established in her career and healed.

“I got him a Dunhill Cigar,” she recalled.

That night, as she was sleeping in her room beside her daughter whom she missed, she heard a commotion. Her father had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital where Connie was able to spend a night before he passed away. And with that, she felt relieved that she was able to come to terms with him. “The book of my life with my father is closed in peace.”

“He was a very proud man,” she said, “For five years, I was his disobedient daughter.”

Would you pay cash to buy a home?

“What are we, Russian?”

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he husband and I are in the market for a condo. Zillow is a delight to browse but also a surprise when we see listed houses specific on what they want: “Cash sale only.”

And that’s when we ask ourselves that question.

Russians, Arabs, Chinese and other wealthy foreign investors are known to snap up real estate and pay in cash. Some of them do not live in their “stunning penthouses” but rent them out. But by paying in full, they have pushed up the value of real estate beyond what ordinary people like us can afford.

Apparently, paying in cash is a trend no longer exclusive to oil sheiks and billionaires. It’s an option easily available to foreigner clients who may have a hard time applying for mortgages, it is also one of the boxes to check for the middle-class market of Remax and Century 21 in New Jersey.

“Yes, that is a trend among foreign buyers because they don’t have credit histories to begin with,” said Edwin Josue, an associate real estate broker for Halstead Properties. “But Americans, they would rather have a mortgage as they know that buying real estate is subsidized by Uncle Sam.” The Wall Street Journal lists the pros and cons of cash-only transactions: Pros: No need to go through lengthy mortgage process, certain tax breaks may apply, as well as discounts for goodwill.

Cons: Liquidity. You don’t want to deplete all your savings on your dream house even one sitting on a huge corner property with an in-ground pool and a wood-burning fireplace. In life, urgent expenses will always turn up and you need to have the cash when that happens.

This caveat may apply to the moderately wealthy.

Not so much to the cash-rich who have way too

much of it and can afford to spend on whatever emergencies will come their way.

There are tax benefits to buying a home in cash, as we’re learning from our agent. That there is no nagging mortgage payment for 30 years is something of a relief. That property taxes, moving and other expenses can be written off come filing season is another incentive. Paying cash, according to him, should not leave the buyer financially vulnerable. He can borrow against the value of his paid-up property.

“Some would rather pay cash to close as early as possible and that can have an effect on a negotiated price because it is a cash deal,” Josue said.

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for us, but the idea that even regular folks are now considering it and going for it made us pause that perhaps the real estate market is back up and booming. The Great Recession of 2008 triggered by reckless subprime lending appears to be behind us.

Our agent is now talking about “solid gains” and “lack of inventory.”

Our search for a house continues. The moral lesson in “The Big Short” is always at the back of our minds. But as we browse listings and salivate over well-maintained lawns and cul-de-sac charm, we can’t help but share with many American families the lingering hurt and anger that no banker ever went to jail for that 2008 housing mess. – Cristina DC Pastor

In ‘Crazy Rich Asians,’ commitment to family vs personal choices

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By Wendell Gaa

s a Rom-Com, I actually didn’t find “Crazy Rich Asians” to be particularly groundbreaking or revolutionary in terms of plot compared to other light-hearted movies of its kind. But the, fact alone that its cast comprises entirely of Asian actors/actresses is by itself a landmark accomplishment.

It’s interesting that I became quite engrossed in the film’s characters and their motivations to the point that I just didn’t care at all what their ethnicity or nationality was. This was the same exact feeling I had watching “Black Panther,” a film that has done its bit raising the visibility of people of African ethnicity.

Movies such as these are surely an encouraging sign that Hollywood has become a lot more inclusive of diversity and is seeking to tap undiscovered talent throughout the globe.

Based on the book by Singaporean novelist Kevin Kwan, “Crazy Rich Asians” unfolds the story of Rachel Chu, a smart and attractive Chinese-American economics professor at New York University, who is invited by her handsome Singaporean boyfriend Nick Young, also a professor at the same university, to escort him to his home country to attend his best friend’s wedding. Nick plans to serve as best man at Wealthy Singapore matriarch Eleanor Young (played by Michelle Yeoh) gives a frosty reception to son Nick’s the wedding, while at the same time seeks to introduce girlfriend Rachel Chu (Constance Wu). Henry Golding portrays Nick.

Rachel to his whole family, including his mother, ish actress Gemma Chan, who is Nick’s glamorous Eleanor (played by Michelle Yeoh). Rachel excitedly Indeed, the conflicting Asian values of commitment yet slightly troubled cousin Astrid. Definitely not to agrees to fly with him to Singapore, taking additional to family versus the pursuit of personal passion or be left out are two of our very own, FilAm actor Nico comfort in the thought of visiting her best friend from ambition is a recurring theme.

Santos, who is Oliver, Nick’s colorful and gregarious college, Peik Lin. However, the minute they board Being an Asian-American myself living and worktheir plane at New York’s JFK airport, Rachel senses ing in the country of my cultural roots where I never second cousin, and of course Kris Aquino, daughter of the late President Corazon Aquino, who appears that there is something amiss when Nick reserves a grew up, I could identify with Rachel’s dilemma of in a cameo role in the film’s wedding sequence. “first class” seating arrangement for them, which hints feeling like a fish-out-of-water. However, watching Much of the film is shot on location in Singapore, how little she is actually aware of the extent of Nick’s the process of how she deals with the culture shock and the ultra-modern city-state itself is as much of “comfortable life.” of a different environment throughout the movie is Oddly enough, after arriving in Singapore and hav- engaging, amusing and even inspiring all at the same a character in the movie as the rest of the cast. I enjoyed viewing the scenes featuring specific spots ing an initial warm and cordial meeting with Nick’s time. Rachel is truly the anchor of the story and she which I recognized from my last visit to Singafriends, things take a turn for the unexpected when alone kept me invested in the movie throughout. pore in 2017, notably the luxurious Marina Bay Rachel learns from Peik Lin and her family that Nick The character is wonderfully played by TaiwanSands hotel with its iconic rooftop “ship,” and the and the Young clan happen to be one of Singapore’s ese-American actress Constance Wu, whom many extraordinary-looking Gardens by the Bay nature most affluent families, almost to the point of attainof us may recognize from the hit comedy series park, with its towering “super-tree groves.” Just ing royalty status. Bearing this shocking revelation, “Fresh Off the Boat,” which follows the exploits of as how Singapore represents the best of what Asia Rachel soon realizes that coming from a blue-collar an Asian-American family’s coming-of-age in 1990s has to offer to the world in terms of wealth and immigrant family puts her at odds with many of America. status, “Crazy Rich Asians” conveys the richness Nick’s relatives and friends, especially Eleanor.

The ensemble supporting cast here is great, but of Asian culture to movie audiences of all races and Additionally, her mother’s reminder to her that as a notable standouts include Malaysian actor Henry Chinese-American, she may look and speak Chinese, Golding, who portrays the film’s male lead Nick with backgrounds. I surely hope that this will yet be the beginning of more blockbuster films from Hollybut inside, she will always be viewed as “different,” charm and likeability. There is also native New wood featuring strong Asian-American stories, serves as a foreshadowing of the clash of culture and Yorker Awkwafina, who hilariously plays Rachel’s themes and characters. status which constitutes the very heart of the film. best friend Peik Lin, as well as lovely Chinese-BritTHE FILAM |

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Historian Dawn Bohulano Mabalon, 46:

Inspiring mentor, loyal friend

By Cristina DC Pastor

To her best friend, Dawn Bohulano Mabalon was the alwaysknowledgeable older sister, the progressive mentor, and the giggly girlfriend who enjoyed her visits to NYC.

Christine was there when Dawn received her Ph.D. in History from Stanford University in 2004. ‘She inspired me to pursue my master’s degree in Developmental Psychology. She wrote my letter of recommendation.’

One of the ‘bride’s women’ at the wedding in Stockton, Calif. of Dawn Bohulano Mabalon and Jesus Gonzales on October 10, 2009. Dawn made it very clear they were bride’s ‘women’ not bride’s ‘maids.’

hristine Capacillo’s memories of the historian, author, activist, and professor revolved around these expressive images of Dawn. According to reports, Dawn’s “sudden death” on August 10 happened while she vacationing with family in Hawaii. The exact cause is yet to be determined, but it’s been reported that she had an asthmatic condition. The author of the award-winning book, “Little Manila is in the Heart: The Making of the Filipina/o American Community in Stockton, California,” was 46.

The two met in 1995 when Dawn became a guidance counsellor to Christine, then a History

student at UCLA and the first person in her family to go to college. At the time, Dawn was completing her master’s degree in Asian American Studies.

“We clicked right away,” recalled Christine, a Program Director at iMentor NYC, when interviewed by The FilAm. “She understood the complexities of being low-income, being Pinay going through the college experience. She helped and supported me.”

The two became fast friends, while Dawn is six years older – “I called her Manang Dawn” — and have maintained an enduring friendship lasting more than two decades. It was Dawn and another close friend, Prof. Allyson Tintiango-Cubales,

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“who exposed me to Pilipino cultural night…and very progressive discussions about Pinay identity and struggle,” Christine said.

“First time I was exposed, I was proud to be Filipino. I didn’t know how deep that was. Seeing Dawn graduate with her Asian American master’s degree was so empowering, so inspiring for me. I was there at her graduation,” she said. Dawn and her long-time close friend and colleague Allyson wrote in 1995 the spoken word, entitled “Resistance and Struggle are Sisters.”

Christine was one of the “bride’s women” at Dawn’s wedding to Jesus Gonzales in 2009. “It was intentional in that she wanted to get married in October on Filipino American History Month,” she said.

“I was honored to be included as one of her bride’s women, not bride’s ‘maid,’ she made this term very clear,” said Christine. In fact, Christine who is supposed to be marrying her fiancé Stan Kelly, has been eyeing Dawn for the role of candle sponsor, but never got the chance to let her know that because of the tragedy.

In one of Dawn’s visits to NYC, Christine recalled a happy meeting in Chinatown and a laughter that was loud even by New York standards. “For a time, she would go to New York every year, and we would see each other.”

The last time she saw Dawn was May 10 in San Francisco. “We had dinner and ice cream,” said Christine.

She was telling Christine about the Mabalon family’s plan to take a vacation in Hawaii with husband Jesse, her sister and her sister’s kids.

“Dawn has been to Hawaii many times. She was very happy to be going on vacation in Hawaii.”

She learned of Dawn’s passing from Allyson the Friday it happened.

“I got call from Allyson, normally she’d text.

There was a pause then she said, Hey, are you sitting down?…I was in disbelief. I ended up crying, I haven’t cried like that in a long time,” she said.

Friends of Dawn, including Christine, gathered on August 17 at Purple Yam in Brooklyn, her favorite NYC restaurant where her book “Little Manila” launched in 2013. It was a night marked by sadness and also uproarious laughter. Author, professor of Psychology, and another close friend Kevin Nadal organized the memorial dinner. Dawn was remembered as a friend and sister who was “smart, witty, sharp, quick…loyal as f—k.”

Said Kevin through tears, “A part of me wants this to be a dream.”

Flight uninterrupted:

PAL’s NYC-Manila direct starts Oct 30

By Rene Pastor

On its 77th year, Philippine Airlines will open direct flights from New York to Manila starting October 30.

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he announcement was made

by Josh Vasquez, PAL area manager for New York, at a recent press conference with Tourism Attaché Susan del Mundo at the Philippine Center’s Kalayaan Hall.

“PAL will be flying non-stop three years after PAL started flying again in March 2015,” he said.

Inflight and on-ground service gave PAL its 4-Star rating courThe flight will be 15-and-a-half tesy of Skytrax. hours, and departs JFK Airport at 2 a.m. It arrives in Manila at 6 a.m. The through 2021, according to the company. frequency is four days a week, Monday, PAL also revived moribund routes, such as the Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The flight to New York City, which is popular among long-haul flight is PAL’s “ambitious balikbayan travelers and businessmen who want strategy to improve its position in the shorter travel times. Improvements in PAL’s highly competitive North American Manila-London flights along with those to Paris, market,” according to Centre for AviaAmsterdam and other European destinations tion, an independent resource for global followed. aviation news and trends.

Separately, the EU lifted a ban against PAL Right now, PAL’s New York-Manila which allowed it to resume flights to London in route stops in Vancouver.

2014. After an absence of 16 years, the EU recommended that PAL be allowed to fly to Paris.

Vasquez said the direct flight allows The refurbishing of PAL’s fleet goes a long way passengers to arrive in Manila in early in explaining its return to prominence. morning.

When tycoon Lucio Tan came back to replace “You will be traveling for about 15.5 Ramon Ang as PAL president, the turnaround was hours. We want you to maximize your well underway. To Tan’s credit, he allowed the time, sleep on the plane, eat, and when process to go through. you wake up you’re off to your first The reinstatement of Philippine civil aviation appointment,” he said. status to Category 1 by the U.S. Federal Aviation He continued, “When our headAdministration in 2014 after being downgraded quarters asked me, are we ready for a to Category 2 in 2008, over safety issues, gave non-stop flight, I said yes, because our PAL the opportunity to expand its North Amerikababayans in this part of the world can operations. deserve a non-stop flight.” He said Hong Josh Vasquez and Charisse Arboleda of the PAL office in New York Vasquez also said PAL was recently ranked a Kong and Japan have their own direct represent the company in the celebration of Philippine-American 4-Star Airline by Skytrax, the international air flights between NYC and their counHeritage Month in Norfolk, Virginia. transport rating organization. The rating is the tries. “Why can’t Filipinos?” result of an in-depth audit of the airline’s inflight For years, PAL was derided as ‘Plane and on-ground service based on passenger experiAlways Late,’ and bleeding financially because of The hard work was done back in 2014 when the ence, he said. old planes and poor cabin service. PAL has come airline retired old aircraft, such as the Boeing “Skytrax is the Oscars of the aviation industry,” back and will climax with the inauguration of its 747-400. It swallowed $250 million in losses and he said. “Hopefully in the next two years we get direct flight from Manila to New York City by the purchased new fuel-efficient Boeing 777-300ERs our 5 Stars.” end of October 2018. and Airbus jets. The buying spree will run THE FILAM |

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Asian seniors in NYC among the poorest in the country: report

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sian Americans are the fastest growing segment of the senior population in New York City, now representing 16 percent of all seniors ages 50 years and older.

Yet programs and resources available to Asian seniors have failed to keep pace with this growth, according to the report “Asian American Seniors in New York City: An Updated Snapshot” published by the Asian American Federation. When it comes to New York City’s social service funding for seniors, only 2.7 percent went to senior programs focused on Asians.

The funding gap can be traced to two major factors. The consolidation of many social service grants into fewer, larger grant opportunities has led to the exclusion of Asian-led social service providers from the competitive process. Asian-led organizations are often smaller and have less capacity to take on larger grants, despite being in the best position to serve Asian seniors because of the trust and deep

roots they have developed in their communities. Secondly, the model minority myth disguises the fact that Asian seniors in New York City are among the poorest seniors in the country. The goal of the report is to dispel these myths and to highlight the great need among Asian seniors.

Key findings of this report include: • Growth in the Asian senior population in New York City is driven by Asian seniors immigrating late in life and by Asian immigrants aging into senior status • Major shifts in demographics are changing the ethnic mix of the Asian senior population in New York City.

South Asian and Other Asian groups have senior populations that more than tripled in size from 2000 to 2014 • Asian seniors are more likely to live in multigenerational households than other seniors • Asian seniors are less likely to live in large housing complexes, making Neighborhood Naturally Occurring Retirement Communities (NORC),

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based in neighborhoods with less dense housing, a better policy fit for Asian seniors • The high rates of limited English ability among Asian seniors increase social isolation • The diversity of languages spoken in the Asian community makes outreach and provision of services a challenge • Asian seniors in New York City are less well-educated than Asian seniors nationally and other seniors in NYC • As a consequence, Asian seniors are more likely to be poor and low income than Asian seniors nationally and other seniors in NYC • Asian seniors are less likely to have health insurance coverage and to receive Social Security benefits than other seniors • Asian seniors in our survey relied on social service organizations to meet social, nutritional and informational needs.

In order to address the increasing needs among Asian seniors, the Asian 16

American Federation recommends that the City: • Increase the resources available for programs addressing Asian seniors • Create smaller grant opportunities so that smaller social service providers can compete for City funding • Ensure outreach to Asian seniors is done in language and through trusted information sources for each community, including ethnic media and social service organizations • Alleviate poverty by increasing access to social safety nets to include more recent arrivals • Increase access to adult literacy and job skills for low-income Asian seniors who are still active in the labor force • Offer employment and volunteer opportunities for Asian seniors to increase income and decrease social isolation • Create more affordable senior housing, including culturally appropriate assisted living facilities. -- Asian American Federation

Fiesta in America:

’20 years is worth celebrating’

By Cristina DC Pastor

Three generations of the Policarpio family came all the way from Ossining in Upstate New York, and they came early: Eli Policarpio, his mother Leonila, and his 6-year-old son Ezar. There was a threatening thunderstorm, and the family arrived before noon because they wanted to be home before the downpour.

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ssining is about an hour’s drive to Secaucus, New Jersey where the annual Fiesta in America opened on August 11.

“It’s our first time,” said Eli, speaking to The FilAm as the three walked lazily around the sprawling Meadowlands Expo Center, checking out booths and what each of them offered. Ezar was getting impatient.

He wanted his father and grandma to do some shopping so he could put stuff inside his Walmart bag.

“I want to my son to experience what a Philippine fiesta is,” said Eli. “That’s why we’re here.”

Fiesta in America, the longest running cultural and trade expo in New Jersey, is vastly different from the typical Filipino barrio fiesta Eli presumably wanted to introduce to his U.S.-born son. For some Filipino Americans, this is the closest they’ll ever get to the real one. This Fiesta was held indoor at a convention center, while the traditional fiesta usually occupies several blocks of streets with the aroma of roasted pig inviting a warm welcome to neighbors and strangers alike. But both the Jersey Fiesta and the fiesta back home evoke the same lively celebration and the spirit of closeness and camaraderie.

There is food and entertainment to make the memories linger. Ezar walked wide-eyed, marveling at everything around him.

“When we started Fiesta 20 years ago,” recalled Fiesta President Fernando ‘Nanding’ Mendez, “we did not foresee that Fiesta would be recognized as the biggest trade expo and cultural show of its kind on the East Coast.”

Crowd waits for the musical program to begin. Photo by Juliet Payabyab

Fiesta founder Fernando ‘Nanding’ Mendez and life partner Laura Garcia

The Policarpio family from Ossining, N.Y.: Leonila, her son Eli, and grandson Ezar

A graphic designer, Nanding and his wife Mila began Philippine Fiesta in 1998, an idea that lodged in their minds after years of traveling and observing international expos held

around the world. Mila passed away in 2012 leaving Nanding almost singlehandedly to continue what they started. Legions of friends and volunteers urged him to keep the

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Fiesta legacy alive. Nanding thought he couldn’t fail the faithful followers who came year after year. For some of them, Fiesta served as a backdrop to an enduring romance.

“Later, said Nanding “we will meet some of the people who met at Fiesta and got married.”

This year, Nanding and his life partner, nurse educator Laura Garcia, welcomed guests – led by Secaucus Mayor Michael Gonnelli and Philippine Consul General in New York Claro Cristobal — to Fiesta’s 20th year. Both of them were dressed in emerald green, a color that stands for rebirth and royalty.

Inside the convention center were several dozen booths and tables offering a wide array of products and services — free massage, condominium properties in the Philippines, handicrafts, T-shirts, lessons on martial arts, financial planning services, and many more. Philippine Airlines had a booth to promote its direct flight to Manila. Walmart, Goya food products, and AARP were prominent in their presence.

There was a musical program in the evening, and that’s when the convention crowd began to swell.

Sixties pop band Gary Lewis & the Playboys (“Save Your Heart for Me,” “Who Wants to Buy This Diamond Ring”) sang their old songs before a crowd that still recognized the clean-cut boys behind the grizzled music veterans. Filipino Ogie Alcasid sang the ballads that made the ladies swoon.

For 20 years, Fiesta has created an experience where Filipinos can do business, have some fun, and feel good about doing both. “Twenty years is something to be celebrated,” said Secaucus Mayor Gonnelli. “Thank you for calling Secaucus your home.”

A “lovely lovely” Philippine fair like Fiesta deserves to “continue and flourish,” said ConGen Cristobal.

Teaching my son to curse

By Tricia J. Capistrano

“Mama, can you please look at this and let me know if they’re correct?”

I read the words in pencil written by my 10-year-old son, Emil, on crumpled notebook paper. dumb - walang imik mean - ibig sabihin stupid - hangal

I was surprised and then heartbroken. Emil did tell me that a friend suggested that he make a list of curse words in Tagalog. At that time, I didn’t know what it was for.

I was also surprised at how inaccurate the translations were. If Emil wanted to call a classmate dumb, you didn’t say, “walang imik,” which means quiet. I thought translation sites were much smarter.

Emil looked at me expectantly for a response so I told him to use “gago.”

“Can you teach me some more,” he asked. I didn't reply. I thought long and hard before answering because I was not sure if teaching my son to curse more effectively in my native language was the right thing to do. It was certainly a decision I never imagined I would have to make as a parent.

I moved from Manila to New York in 1996 to go to graduate school at NYU. My parents, both Filipino, had studied in the U.S. for their masters’ degrees in the late ‘60s, and then gone back to Manila, started their own business, and raised a family. They saved up money so I too could go to grad school abroad; we all assumed that I would return to the Philippines.

Instead, I fell in love with an American grad student whom I had met at school, and we decided to marry and live in New York City.

After Emil was born, our primary reason for staying in Manhattan was his well-being. From the time he was old enough to express a preference, Emil chose toys and clothes for girls. Our neighbor down the hall had a Noah's Ark play set, while all the other toddlers chose to play with Noah or the animals, Emil always sought out Naamah, Noah's wife.

Raised in a bilingual home, Emil didn't talk until he was 3. One of the first things he told us was that he was a "boy-girl." As the months passed, his feminine behaviors persisted, so we saw a child psychiatrist who told us that for gender non-conforming children like Emil, there was a 75 percent chance that he would identify as gay, a 24 percent chance that he would be straight, and a 1 percent chance that he would identify as transgender.

Emil as seen by his father: ‘Strong-willed, with a firm sense of self.’

The following year, we signed him up for ballet class. As he grew older, he was awarded scholarships at several ballet schools. Last December, he was chosen to perform a small part in New York City Ballet’s production of the Nutcracker in Lincoln Center. He was in 24 shows, some scheduled during school days.

My husband and I were so proud of The author with husband Tony Kelso and their son Emil, who is 11 in him. We told all our friends and relatives. this photo.

And because he had to be absent from school on some days, we also told Emil's If such children are not accepted and supported teachers. Those performances, I now suspect, were by their families, we were told, they may face what led to the harassment. That, and the essay he depression, even suicide. "What he needs most is a wrote for his 5th grade English class. home where he knows he is loved and supported.”

For his essay, Emil chose to write about why Since New York City is one of the most diverse marriage equality should be legal in all of the U.S. I cities in the world, my husband and I thought Emil was both scared and proud of him--scared because would be better off growing up in Manhattan than he was implicitly outing himself to his classmates, in Manila. In the Philippines, over 80 percent but proud, that at such a young age, he was so sure of the population is Catholic. Although gays and of himself. lesbians appear in talk shows and sitcoms, there Emil got a 3 out of a possible 4 for the essay-- in is still a lot of discrimination against LGBTs. A the heat of composition, he forgot to include a friend said it will take generations before there bibliography. A week later, the mom of one of are laws sanctioning non-traditional domestic Emil's best friends texted me that Emil got into a partnerships. fight with one of the kids in his class and the boy When Emil was 3, we took him to a neighborhood had tried to choke him. She added that many of dance party. While the other children bobbed the boys in Emil's class verbally abuse him but he up and down on the dance floor off and on, Emil usually ignores them. bounced and twirled non-stop for almost 30 My husband and I were surprised. Emil tells minutes. us about his day every night at dinner. He's THE FILAM |

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complained about his teachers who punish the class by taking away recess and about members of his reading group who don't want to read but he never said anything to us about being bullied.

My husband wrote the principal and guidance counselor. But when the counselor met with Emil and the boy who tried to choke him, both children did not say a word.

I was furious. I was angry with the other boy, but also with Emil and the counselor. I wanted the other child to be suspended! But without a detailed accusation, nothing could be done.

When I calmed down, I told Emil I would talk to the other boy's mom. "Please don't, Mama," he said.

He said he wanted to handle it himself.

He said his best friends in school knew that I spoke Tagalog so they suggested that he learn some bad words from me. He could use them as a comeback against the bullies. Emil said he liked the idea, adding that it was a chance for him to learn more about my culture.

"Follow his lead," my gay co-worker concurred.

"He is the one who has to face the teasing." He also suggested, I sign up Emil for martial arts class. He said that when he was in middle school, he stood his ground and fought bullies who were his own size, but felt no qualms about running away when the bullies were bigger.

My husband has taken all this more calmly than I have. He says because Emil is strong-willed and has a firm sense of self, he will be fine. And my husband is definitely opposed to any Tagalog swearing lessons: "People do not teach their children curse words." Besides, he says, "because it’s in another language, what is the point? The other child won't even understand it."

Emil performed in the New York City Ballet’s 2015 production of ‘The Nutcracker’ at the Lincoln Center.

I am still conflicted. On the one hand, I think that teaching Emil some Tagalog curse words can't do any harm precisely because the other boy won't understand them; it would also give Emil a way to express his frustration. On the other hand, I worry that I would be handing Emil some kind of weapon that might backfire.

Then again, isn't teaching him Tagalog curse words just like having him go to Martial Arts class, a way of me helping but letting him take the lead?

I spoke to Emil in Tagalog every day until he was 3. When he was delayed in speaking, a speech therapist advised me to stop talking to him in Tagalog. I later found out that speech delays are normal for bilingual children. I thought this could be a way for me to re-introduce the language.

At the end of the school year, Emil reported that he had shouted "Gago!" to one of the boys who was bothering him. He said the boy just shrugged and walked away.

"How did you feel when you said it?" I asked.

"I don't know," he replied before rushing off to do something else. Clearly, he didn't want to talk about it.

My co-worker warned me, as Emil gets older, even in New York City, he will continue to face harassment. And I certainly cannot be there to protect him all the time.

But then I thought, whenever he fights back verbally with a “Gago!" a part of me will be right there at his side.

Author's Note: I wrote this essay in 2014 but waited until Emil was older so we could discuss sharing this story. This school year, Emil will be 15 and a sophomore at the Professional Performing Arts School High School in NYC. Tricia J. Capistrano’s essays have appeared in Newsweek and MrBellersNeighborhood. com. She is the author of “Dingding, Ningning, Singsing and Other Fun Tagalog Words.” Her essay, “Inadequately Asian” which appeared in this publication, was chosen as the Best Personal Essay by the Philippine American Press Club in 2017.

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Issue 7, September 2018

Emil Kelso turns to Filipino culture to fight bullying p18 Historian Dawn Mabalon, 46: Inspiring mentor, loyal friend p14 Manny Pacquiao looms large in Jersey City-GenSan sister cityhood p7