Digital Dos and Please-Do-Nots

Story by Sally Anne Sessitte

The greenery is put up, or you’re getting to it, and the last of the leftovers have been scraped into the trash. The pantry is stocked with well-intentioned protein powders and the dark liquor and ritz have been shoved over to make room for green juice and wasa crackers. The calendar has rolled around again, which means soon we will swing into celebration season. We’ll have baby showers and wedding showers and welcome suppers and any other excuse to fill the house with fresh flowers - even if they are mostly from the neighbor’s yard.

Remember when you could come in a friend’s side door and look at her cork board or fridge over a glass of sweet tea (or wine in a sweet tea glass for good friends), and immediately know which parties she was going to by the display of colorful paper invitations? So helpful for borrowing clothes and gossiping purposes. Y’all know your mama knows that one lady - bless her heart- who even would see a wedding shower invitation and go on and send the happy couple a wedding gift just to wrangle that guilt-invite. Those days are gone - corkboards now are mostly just handprint art and school conduct reports. “Spirited” and “Minds other people’s business” mean exactly what you think they mean.

Paper is out friends, and digital is in, whether we’re happy about it or whether we are hogtied kicking and screaming. If it’s not a wedding, these days, the invitation will probably come on the phone or the computer. And the photos will be online. So let’s be southern about it - if this digital thing is here to stay, we’ll need some “dos and please-donots” to avoid digital drama.

A picture tells a thousand humble brags. Let’s just not. If you wouldn’t brag about it in adult Sunday school, think twice about posting it. Haul out Nana’s fur and enjoy every bite of that blue-cheese-crusted

filet and all the brandy alexanders - and the lighting really is so good in those New York City steakhouse booths - but keep it between you and your traveling friends. While we’re on this topic, a word about the cheers boomerangs. Well, three words. No thank you. The only cause for pause before the meal or the matcha latte is the blessing, and surely that’s all we need to say on that topic.

Absolutely bring your kids’ friends on trips - it really cuts down the vacation spankings. But, if you decide to post a precious ski lift photo from the trip, go ahead and crop the friends out. It’s true that kids need to have thick skins and we have all been told everyone cannot be invited to everything - but you know your mama would never let you go to school and talk about who you are bringing to the beach. Even if they are “minding someone else’s business,” let the kids learn to be thickskinned from some yankee’s aggressive instagram. Bless their hearts, they don’t know what not to post.

If you’ve been invited by text, and you respond asking who else will be there, you better be setting up a neighborhood carpool to the party and offering to drive it. A thank you note is better than a thank you text but the more important part is this: a thank you text is better than no thank you at all.

Can we all agree to stop this thing where if we don’t actually open the emailed invitation, the host somehow thinks we haven’t seen it? Even elder millennials are onto this and it’s just as tacky as not responding. Treat that Paperless Post as politely as you would a cardstock-with-ribbon invite, and respond. No southern hostess has ever stuck to a catering guideline for drinks or food, Lord knows we’d end up running out of something. Respond timely anyway - you don’t want the hostess borrowing extra place settings from her mother-in-law, thinkin’ y’all are coming and then you not show up. If you’ve forgotten to respond, a simple apology and “is it too late for me to say yes” is the best way to ask for some timeline grace.

On the hosting side, if you send those invitations by email, go on and do that “check in” text or call to the friend who hasn’t responded. This little act of grace can save all manner of unintended consequences. You may have spelled her email wrong, or she may respond by calling you and sharing some heavy things she’s had on her plate that you hadn’t had any clue about. Giving grace is the secret ingredient that makes it work. Looking for ways to give grace is always right. As with most things southern, it’s never about the rules, and always about the people of it.