SNAP THAT: November 2015 by MacMedia Magazine

NOVEMBER 2015 | 1

SNAP THAT NOVEMBER 2015: Vol. 21, Issue #03 www.macmediamagazine.com 004c McLaughlin College, York University Toronto, ON M3J 1P3 416-736-2100 ext. 60555

Executives Editor-in-Chief Web Manager Production and Layout Manager Social Media Manager

Janae Diaz Tatiana Prisiajny Eryn Tang Jordan Madeira

Editors News Opinions Features Arts Humour Sports & Health

Nick Catania Julia Alfano Jason Rivas Vanessa Butera Juan Lopez Tyler Drummond

Copy Editors

Tabitha Peters Milica Markovic

Staff Writers

James Zhan VACANT

Editor’s Note

Perfect Excuses to Get Out of Work

I’m the Best Concertgoer

How to Send Great Nudes

Social Cues for Dummies

TTC Ride Guide

The Bus

She’s My (Snap) Queen

Just Do It Later

Playbook of the Perfect Sports Fan

Crikey! Into the Wild: Fuccbois

How to Boost Your Self Esteem

Meet Me in the Pit

MacMedia Rants

Art and Design Cover Artist Designer Designer Illustrator Videographer

Kristen Chung Mary Anne Cruz Sandra Tacic Elizabeth Zhu Brandon Lorenzetti

@MacMediaMag

MacMedia Magazine

MacMedia is a proud member of The Canadian University Press, a national organization of Canadian student newspapers.

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MacMedia is the official student monthly of McLaughlin College but does not speak on behalf of McLaughlin College—unless specifically specified by the Big Kahuna upstairs (in which case there’ll be a note). The opinions expressed herein are also not necessarily held by MacMedia or its staff (unless they’re really smart and dastardly written) but are a reflection of the current social outlook. Our goal is to act as an objective forum for constructive conceptual synthesis and intellectual thought—not as a community censor. Therefore, our content is only as strong as your contribution. Every month we publish a wide variety of studentwritten news, opinions, art, poetry, humour, fiction, photography, and everything in-between. Please feel free to contact us for any reason, including publishing dates, advertising, world domination, iguana preservation, puddle-pants, the whereabouts of Godzilla, or any other “topics of interest.” Please send all submissions and inquiries to macmedia.eic@gmail.com

Editor’s Note Warning: the contents of this issue are highly satirical and may not be picked up on by humans who are not fluent in sarcasm. Isn’t it incredibly attractive when somebody replies to your sarcasm with more sarcasm? That’s pretty much what this issue is: a bunch of sickeningly sarcastic people who are wittier than ninety percent of the population. Sorry. Can’t seem catch onto social cues as well as us? Don’t worry – we’ve got you covered on how exactly how to break the ice with somebody who’s got their headphones in or isn’t sitting as close as you’d like them to on the bus. This issue might as well have “Satisfaction Guaranteed” slapped on the cover. Speaking of satisfaction guaranteed, our tips might work so well that you’ll get a few late night Snapchats – the kind that only lasts one second. You’ll need even more tips, like how to send tasteful nudes. Luckily for you, we know every trick to get exactly what you want … More nudes, right? Don’t forget to put your face in it! Are you already a self-proclaimed pro at getting what you want? Your smooth 3 am texts and suggestions to “Play 20 Questions ;)” probably aren’t working as well as you may think. We hate to break it to you … but you might be a “fuccboi.” We sent our best fuccboiologist into the wild to observe these creatures in their natural habitat. Caution: do not feed the animals.

Now we know that some things you read in this issue may knock your self-esteem down a few pegs. But you’re in luck! Flip a few more pages and you’ll have the ultimate ego-boost – tearing apart other people’s self-esteem. Every person for themselves, right? We could go on and on about how this year’s Satire issue is hotter than Drake’s mixtape, but you’ll see for yourself. Try not to get burned.

Janae Diaz Editor-in-Chief

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Perfect excuses

that will

get you

out of work Milica Marković | Copy Editor

Is being a hard worker, raking in the green and spending it all on Chipotle not doing it for ya? Look no further, because we have the foolproof solutions for all of your no-show needs.

When calling the Big Boss, here’s what you can tell them: You spontaneously lost your cellphone when it was time to leave the house. Losing the one thing near and dear to you has left you mentally scarred that you wouldn’t even think of using someone else’s at work. It has also made you ashamed to use your home phone (don’t bullshit, you still have one). How are you supposed to brag about your workflow or record co-worker shenanigans on Snapchat now?! You are relentlessly trying to exorcise an evil spirit in your sister’s house. Has your employer not seen Paranormal Activity? The footage found is legit. Also, this is a great excuse because it shows that you’re not only persevering, but also incredibly protective of your loved ones. That kind of passion is good for business! You were printing out a love letter, trying to be cute and traditional as fuck for that special someone, and got exactly six paper cuts in the process. Just keep calm, pour some soothing lemon juice on your booboos, and explain what 4 | MACMEDIA

happened to your boss on your humiliating home phone, since you lost your cellphone back in foolproof solution #1. They will surely understand your predicament. You broke your hands – no, your wrists – actually, your whole arms…playing the clarinet. Your parents didn’t approve of your permanent residence on the Interwebz, so, of course, they made you take up an obscure hobby. You didn’t realize, however, that playing this glorified honker is actually quite strenuous. No means for Snapchatting at work? No work for you then. You just don’t feel like doing work today, man. It happens to the best of us, despite the bills that need paying and mouths that need feeding. It’s okay to put off these important errands every once in a while; let the economy dwindle some too while you’re at it. Nothing like a little “DRINK ME” potion to ease that burden and take you straight to Wonderland.

I’m The Best Concertgoer

James Zhan | Staff Writer

Live music was the only way people listened to music before recording technology came around. Now that digital audio is so developed, who goes to concerts anymore? Actually, some traditional music lovers, like me, are still willing to go see their beloved bands in venues. My friends love going to concerts with me, because I’m the best concertgoer. Let me tell you why. I always buy the tickets at the venue right before going in, instead of buying them online to save the three dollar service fee, especially if I’m going with my friends. It’s three bucks, for god’s sake. And I know they totally don’t mind the tickets being sold out and missing a great show, because these three dollars are worth much more than the show, and I need them badly to survive. After all, they come all the way from home to hang out with me; if the tickets are sold out, we can always find a Pizza Pizza to sit down in and chill. No big deal! Before going in the venue, I would always buy a two-four, since one of my favorite things to do when I’m at the concert is to pour beer on people’s heads. Why not? I’m sure people love it. It’s a rock concert – everyone likes beer at a rock concert! I mean, if you don’t like weed or alcohol, you should get the hell out of there because, obviously, all rockers like to smoke weed and drink. As a musician myself, I would watch bands’ performances very critically, and I would always talk to – no, more like yell at my friends with my mouth against their ears about how I just caught the guitarist missing a note in the

solo, or that the drummer just dropped his drumstick, or that the vocalist just sang the wrong lines. I just think they need to know these things. I would sometimes ask them what they think of bands’ performances too, and apparently they love yelling with me about this in a place where the decibel level is as high as a jet engine. Whenever a band plays my favorite song of theirs, I get super hyper and climb up on stage, put my arm on the guitarist’s shoulders, give the crowd the “Rock On” hand gesture and feel like a rock star. Who cares if it is not allowed? I bought the ticket for a fun night! Then, after gesturing to the crowd to catch me, I would surf the crowd. This is what a rock or metal concert should be like: full of energy, aggressiveness, alcohol and weed. So, those are the reasons I’m the best concertgoer; I not only enjoy it myself, but I also make sure others enjoy it more. Definitely hit me up the next time you need someone to go to a concert with you!

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How to send Juan Lopez | Humour Editor

GREAT NUDES

You want that guy to start noticing your 34D’s even though you’re only a B, don’t you? You want to show her your sick abs when the only 6 pack you have are flabs, right? You want to show off that amazing sink effect when you’re the definition of LMAO, yeah? Here’s how to do it.

you’re taking a nude. That way, they know that you’re committed to sending quality pictures of you with your toiletries and using the facilities. After all, who doesn’t knock when going inside a bathroom?

SEND NUDES ON A FULL STOMACH. If want your significant – or many insignificant – other(s) to notice your fit body, make sure you eat a full meal before sending any picture. That way, he’ll be sure to notice your amazing curves and she’ll be noticing your ripped stomach.

CHANGE YOUR SNAPCHAT COUNTER TO ONE SECOND. You really want to make sure that he has all the time to fully take in your rockin’ bod. So, by sending a one second nude, you’re making sure that he pays attention to you. Hubby material right there.

HAVE THE LIGHT OFF AND NO FLASH ON. Everybody has sex with the lights off, so just send nudes with the lights off. It’s practically the same thing. She doesn’t want to see your face, so just send a dark, grainy picture of your stomach or legs or dick that she can’t really make out. Or just flash the outline of a nipple. They’ll beg for more.

MAKE SURE ALL THE PHOTOS ARE BLURRY. Again, tasteful nudes. Who doesn’t enjoy a blurry photo? Why not add a filter that makes it impossible to see? Seeing is so overrated. She should be able to see your dick in all its glory! Or is that a thumb? Maybe a ruler? I can’t tell… Are those boobs or pecs? I’m confused.

MAKE SURE YOU STICK YOUR FACE IN THE PHOTO. Obviously, he wants to see your face plastered on your screen with only a hint of cleavage or the bottom of your stomach. That way, he can appreciate the beauty of the photo even more, and she can appreciate your legs showing with just your tip. Nothing better than tasteful nudes.

ADD IT TO YOUR STORY. Probably the best tip for being discreet about sending nudes. If you add your nude to your Snapchat story, nobody’s gonna know who it was meant for! Pure genius! There’s no chance of your nude getting leaked because it’s already everywhere. And who said publicity can be bad? You go out there and send the best damn nudes you can!

TAKE NUDES IN THE BATHROOM. Make sure you’re sitting on the toilet or standing over it when 6 | MACMEDIA

SOCIAL CUES For Dummies Julia Alfano | Opinions Editor

Are you constantly bombarded by insecurity? You’re not alone...ish. One out of three people have no fucking idea what to do at any given time. If that number isn’t scary enough, every sixty seconds, five people walk the same way after saying goodbye to each other. Humans are such complex beings, it’s amazing we don’t just stay inside where it’s safe and wonder if we have acute Asperger’s syndrome. According to scientists, our problem springs from our oversimplistic ways of thinking. People secretly crave attention and affection, and understanding this is the first step to conquering social awkwardness. I, myself, am well versed in decoding social behavior and thus feel an obligation to help you poor unfortunate souls figure out how the human brain works. Here are a few tips and tricks supported by science to help you rock the social realm and gain a little confidence along the way. SCENARIO 1: You are on a crowded bus and the person next to you has earphones on. What not to do: Figure they want to just be left alone. What to do: Talk loudly over their music so they know that you are a caring individual who wants to listen to their problems. Maybe they’re having relationship problems that no amount of Drake can fix? Maybe they are feeling blue? Figure it out. Their cry for help lies in their ‘ignoring’ or ‘annoying’ glances. Obviously they have trust issues. They will be eternally grateful. SCENARIO 2: The person next to you in lecture is religiously taking notes in class. What not to do: Respect that they want to pay attention. What to do: This is a text-book example of a work-a-holic. It’s clear that they need some entertainment or distraction from their life. Make sure to get their attention by chewing loudly, burping or laughing loudly. If this does not work, try poking them or looking over their shoulder. They are begging for a break from their studies, and you are just the person to fulfill

that. Be confident! Confidence is key in getting someone out of their shell. Also, try to obnoxiously text or talk to someone on the phone. SCENARIO 3: It is a long line at the ______ and people are looking agitated. What not to do: Wait in line patiently. What to do: These people are secretly enjoying this break from their lives, so prolong this as long as possible. Take as long as you can when deciding what to order/buy if possible. Bonus points will be granted if you take minimum of 6 minutes deciding what to buy, then ‘forgetting’ your PIN number and must then try every combination of numbers in order to spark your memory. The people behind you will breathe a sigh of relief every time you see the word ‘declined’ on your terminal screen. Don’t give into temptation and leave the line, people are relying on you to take up as much as their time as possible. Be the hero of that line up. These are some of the most common cases of human beings denying their innate desire for connection and intimacy, and therefore, try every move in the book to ‘push you away.’ Well, my friend, you are smarter than the average bear, and thanks to these helpful tips you will never be in the dark again. Defy all social boundaries: talk too close (it’s like sharing a secret-fun!), get touchy-feely (nothing says ‘hello’ like a grope) and laugh too loud (snorting will get you even further). This is the key to understanding social cues: sometimes you have to experience some discomfort in order to reap the rewards and/or retrain orders.

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TTC ride guide:

courtesy of invalids everywhere Nick Catania | News Editor

Living off campus, the TTC becomes both your crutch and worst enemy at the same time. I like to call it a love-hate relationship, even though there is more hate to spread around by the time I get to my destination. Forget common courtesy; we all have places to be and kindness isn’t getting us there any quicker. Just like social cues, there are certain transit cues that most people follow. For a seasoned rider or simple transit virgin, this hidden curriculum of human plumbing is sure to relate. To the left, to the left If you are in no rush to be any place soon, stand in the left lane of any escalator because the people behind you are most likely in a rush. The people to your right are just staring at you because you’re beautiful, not because you like to get in the way. Rest assured, you are envied and glorified all at the same time.

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Stare your life away Some people just don’t get enough attention at home, so you might as well be the one to give it. Who cares if you are creeping someone out to the point that they have to move? You are clearly enamoured for a reason, and your glare is one to make a statement. Gaze as though your life depends on it - dry those eyeballs to the point of no return. First come, first serve Everyone just wants to squeeze through your legs to get to that window seat. Who wouldn’t want to be caressed by those rugged kneecaps and sour looks? Nothing beats cupping a feel from a stranger than convenience. I’m sure there are worse things to graze when it comes to someone you don’t know. First come, first serve, right? Make them wait If you’re an able-bodied person, you might as well use the lift. Don’t worry about strollers, wheelchairs or walkers!

If the world was a fair place, people would have their own transportation rather than relying on the TTC. Just like the next train, those in need of an elevator can wait for the next ride up. Block the exit People have to get off, but you come first because you’re getting on. Forget moving to the sides; you’re on a mission and nobody is going to prevent you from standing in someone’s way. Nothing beats getting off a streetcar only to be shuffled into traffic and run over by a taxi. Push if you have to! Ignore the Elderly They’ve been here long enough to realize that manners simply don’t exist, so why should you give your seat to them? They don’t have much time left, so they might as well accept it and move along. Most of them look sour, so I’d rather give my seat to someone with a perky smile. I’d like to know how much of our tax dollars went into those freshly fabricated priority seats!

NOVEMBER 2015 | 9

The Bus S.K.D | Contributor

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It was a stormy morning. The sun shone brightly in the inky sky, much like Ross’ teeth when he got them whitened in Friends. The unnerving chill made my spine tingle with goose bumps as my hair whipped against my face. People dressed in suits drove by. The passengers sat upright, their pallid skin revealed by the oncoming headlights. Their eyes were sagging with tiredness, evident by the numerous bags beneath them. I walked to the bus shelter, along with others who looked as though they’d rather be anywhere but here. We were all shoved onto the 501A in less than ten minutes. The Seneca students inched away from us York students, casting dark looks over their shoulders. I could feel the cold air numbing my legs through my thick leggings. It seemed as though my suffering was no one’s fault but my own. I should have been better prepared for the types of weather that I usually experience on my trek to York: the Brampton weather, the bus weather, the York University Heights weather, the weather inside the buildings, the weather inside the lecture halls, and the weather that I would endure on my journey home. I checked my phone, which at first failed to register my thumbprints as my fingers went numb. Wonderful, I thought to myself as I tried to type in my password. My phone eventually unlocked, only to immediately buzz loudly. I received a few reproachful looks from those around me as I answer my phone. My friend’s loud and cheerful voice blared out of the speaker. “I’m getting a ride,” she says in a singsong voice. I was about to respond with a death threat when I looked to my left. I cut the phone quickly; the thought of ruining her morning left my mind as I reached for my PRESTO card. In the distance was my lord and saviour, the Zum bus. Its headlights blinded everyone as we came flying out of the shelter. We all waited in a row. But alas, our chances of being free from this unsympathetic, damp weather were zero. I felt my heartbeat stop, and my vision began to blur with tears as I looked up at the flashing sign: Not in Service.

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She’s my (snap)

Queen Janae Diaz | Editor-in-Chief

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Kylie Jenner, is that you? Vine is dead, Facebook is for old people, and Instagram videos are ultimately useless. You need to step up your Snapchat game, don’t you? I know that you want people to think that you have the most luxurious and eventful life possible. What else is social media here for? Don’t be one of those boring Snappers – rival Diplo and the Kardashians by being Fetty Wap’s (Snap) Queen.

MAKE SUPER LONG SNAP-STORIES What’s the point of Snapchat if you don’t have people awaiting your next story? The new Snapchat update has taken away the ability to see how many seconds long your Snap-Story is – so keep it going! Your followers will be glued to their phones, watching your story like it’s their drug, and they will be highly disappointed if they only get 30 seconds out of it. Make sure that it’s a 600+ second-long story of you just lip-syncing in the car, or you’re just wasting everyone’s time. SEND THE SAME SNAP TO EVERYBODY ON YOUR LIST Even if you haven’t talked to the person in almost two years, Snap them. They must be wondering what you’re up to, or else they wouldn’t have you on Snapchat, right?! Send that super adorable Snap of your #OOTD to your ex, your boss, your neighbours – send it to everyone. Send it to strangers. Send it to Kylie Jenner! The sky is the Snap-limit. HALF-NAKED SNAPS ARE THE WAY TO GO Isn’t that the benefit of Snapchats only lasting ten seconds or less? Snap your #postworkout dirty mirror picture in only your sports bra or gym shorts. What about when you get out of the shower? Everybody needs to know that you’re clean (but still a bit dirty). Snap a scandalous towel picture – girls, show some cleavage; guys, let it hang as low as it can go. You could even go full on and just send a nude! Set it to last for only a second, and it’ll be like it never happened. BE POLITE; SNAP “GOOD MORNING” AND “GOODNIGHT!” Everybody wants to know how early you had to drag yourself out of bed. Use that handy-dandy clock filter – congratulations for getting up before noon! You’re so productive and everybody will admire your drive. Had a late night? Make sure that you send a pitch black Snap with the timestamp 3:37am to wish all of your loyal Snappers a goodnight. All the celebrities do it; don’t you want to be like them? TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE NEW FILTERS Spending a night in downtown Toronto? Snap the drink in your hand with the ever so classic “The 6” filter. Even that super ugly Richmond Hill filter can be aesthetical if you use it right. Are you standing still? Prove that you’re going 0 km/hour! You’re so artsy. You’re so unique. Eid Mubarak, Happy Halloween, Merry Christmas – Snapchat filters will always have your back!

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Why even look at that paper now? Youâ€™ll pull an all-nighter and complete it in three weeks; Just go back to sleep! And your credit card bill? Yeah, your payment is due, But you probably donâ€™t want to look at the amount anyway. Ignorance is bliss! Putting everything off will stress you to no end, But dealing with assignments and payments now Will stress you out anyway! Plus, you need to devote this precious time To not doing anything before you actually do something. So step away from the books and the credit card bill, And just do it later.

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Playbook of the perfect sports fan Tyler Drummond | Sports and Health Editor At every great sports party, there are a variety of fans who come to enjoy the big game. From the casual fan, to the hard core fan, to the ‘know-it-all’; from the ‘Super Bowl commercial’ enthusiast, to the playoffs-only fan, there are many types. But, there can only be one perfect sports fan. The fan that is the envy of everyone at the stadium, which every player of the team recognizes. If YOU want to be that perfect fan, follow this game plan and get on that field! 1. Know everything (the one who knows the most is loved the most) Any good sports fan knows the history of their team, but if you truly want to be the best sports fan, you need to know everything! If you know more

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article, yell! Just keep yelling, because if you’re not yelling, you’re not caring. TRUE PASSION MEANS YELLING! 3. Dress up (because you’re part of the team) Every great fan knows that when you root for a team, you are a part of the team. You should look the part! But you shouldn’t just wear a shirt or jersey; you need to go all the way. Dress up like the mascot or paint your face and body! But, as we’ve established, a great sports fan needs to be on their game 24/7, so you need to dress the part 24/7. Even a Raptor can wear a suit! than everyone else, not only does that make you the smartest person in the room, it also makes you the most liked in the room! People love a know-it-all, because you can inform every one of your knowledge every chance you get! They’ll all like you more because you’re interrupting them to give an irrelevant stat from ten years ago. 2. Yell the loudest (PASSION, RIGHT?!) Sports fans are passionate/die-hard/ride-or-die, and there’s no better way to show it by yelling! If you’re at the arena or stadium, YELL THE LOUDEST! But not just to cheer your team or boo the opponents – yell everywhere! When you’re ordering food at the concession stand, yell! When you’re ordering a jersey at the merchandise stall, yell! When you’re waiting in line to get in, yell! When you’re at the store upgrading your TV, yell! When you’re shopping for groceries, yell! When you’re at the bar, yell! When you’re watching at home alone, yell! When you’re reading this

4. Fight (if they’re not with us, they’re against us) Fighting is an integral part of sports and as the perfect fan, you need to fight at every opportunity given; fight at the stadiums, the sport stores, from your couch, at the bar. If you’re walking down the street, or riding on the bus and you see a fan wearing a rival teams gear, you’ve gotta start a fight! It is your duty, as a true fan, to throw down anytime you can. 5. Draft only your teams players (fantasy leagues still count) Fantasy sports are more popular than ever, especially with the boom in daily fantasy leagues over the last few years. Sure, the best strategy may be to draft the best players, but what happens when that player is on a rival team? Any perfect sports fan cannot put their fantasy team above their real team! So, what’s the solution? Draft only your team’s players! The best fantasy team is one that has your team on it! You need to be the best fan of all time at all times! Remember: every season is sports season.

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Crikey! Into the wild: Fuccbois Jason Rivas | Features Editor

Fuccboi/ fuckboi/ fuckboy (fuk • boye): someone who generally pissed people off. It is with the greatest pleasure that I talk about my favourite species: the fuccboi. Often synonymous with douchebag, dick, that mistake from last night, and other wonderful nicknames, the term “fuccboi” has the unique trait of offending anyone who is given the title. They represent a tier of males (it is an epidemic that is effectively male dominant) who truly encompass the modern day “gentleman.” You may ask yourself, “Am I fuccboi?” Luckily, I have developed extensive knowledge and field experience with this remarkable specimen throughout my York University studies. I have tracked them through Vari Hall, Scott Library, and the Student Centre to bring you an expert guide on all things that the fuccboi does. With this guide, you’ll know if you’re a respectable human being or if you’re the reason for a heavy “sigh” behind every cringe worthy text!* *Please read in Zefrank1’s “True Facts About the...” voice for added effect THE LOOK: Let’s start off with the signature look. The fuccboi has gone through many trends within the last couple of years, such as the combination of a Snapback, an OBEY crewneck, a “Jesus piece” (or a rosary worn visibly), Chinos, Jordans, and a G-Shock watch. Currently, they wear Nike Roshes or Nike tube socks with Adidas sandals, joggers with a drop crotch/Adidas track pants/Nike shorts with tights underneath, a cheap long 18 | MACMEDIA

tee (probably that trashy H&M “CALIFORNIA” one), and a varsity/bomber jacket. The haircut generally sits between an undercut that’s a bit too long and a man bun/topknot that’s too short (and requires wetting the hair constantly in order to give off the illusion that that it all fits in the hair tie) or it’s that shaved parabola formula that Drake has made popular. The forehead must also look like you’re searching for WiFi constantly. The stronger the signal, the higher level of fuccboi. You never know when you might find yourself in the right lighting for a photo. TREAT WOMEN WITH DISRESPECT: This is an important one! Although fuccbois may disrespect everyone and anyone (and they do so with the upmost douchiness), they primarily hunt the female. None are safe from their suave cat-calling routine. “Shawty, you a dime!” “Ouf, she’s a rocket!” Should a woman choose to ignore them or mention that she has a boyfriend? “Whatever, you’re a thot anyways.” “Mans was just trying to holla, but you’re a bitch.” If they’re not hitting on you, they’re telling their boys how you want the D even though all you did was move over on the bus because his leg was touching yours. “She’s playing hard to get, B.” He relies on his mom but can’t respect the personal boundaries of women. He also probably can’t find the clitoris.

THE LANGUAGE: Here’s a quick fire list of common fuccboi vocabulary and phrases: - “Fam” - “Mans” - “Thot” - “Finna” - “FTB” = for the boys (shout outs to all the flow rocking, chew addicted hockey/baseball players from high school!) - “She wanna smash. She’s a ting” - “Netflix and chill?” - “What would you do if I was there?” - “;)” - “Bitch(es)” - 100 iPhone emoji - “Fire” (iPhone fire emoji optional but often present) - Any Drake/The Weeknd verse SEND UNWARRANTED DICK PICS: This one is self-explanatory, but with an added bonus of Drake’s lyrics, along with the photo, just so she knows he cares about her and that he’s a sensitive guy. Hell, he’ll throw a Drake reference under every one of their photos, dick pic or not, just so everyone knows. (Read Juan Lopez’s article: “How to Send Great Nudes.”) Also, it’s important to make sure his shirt is off in every photo possible. GAINS, FAM. THE MUSIC: As mentioned, Drake is an obvious staple in this playlist, but if the fuccboi wants everyone to think he’s “deep” or “brooding”, he has to throw in The Weeknd. A fuccboi playlist won’t be legit if it doesn’t feature the King of the Fuccbois, himself! They’re most likely really into Future – or anyone who collaborates with Drake for that matter; French Montana, Young Thug, Rich Homie Quan, Migos, Fetty Wap etc. (The common factor being anyone who cannot enunciate words correctly or mumbles for the entire length of the track.) He also says he’s into EDM, but really he just went to VELD that one time. There is so much more to say about fuccboi’s and they have many subspecies, such as, the “hypeman” fuccboi or the “I only wear Supreme and Yeezy’s” fuccboi, so this article can only scratch the surface. To truly understand a fuccboi, you must interact with one first hand – believe me: they’re not hard to find. Should you find yourself in the presence of a fuccboi. They can be easily distracted by Instagram filters, bottles of Henny, Ciroc, Grey Goose, and their fellow fuccbois. “Yo take this photo of me and the squad.”

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How to

boost your self-esteeM

by lowering the self-esteem of others

Tabitha Peters | Copy Editor

Remember when we all had insecurities? Remember telling your friend she doesn’t look fat in an outfit when she totally did, just because you wanted to be the slender-looking one on a night out? Come on! You all fucking did this, didn’t you? You could have told her to wear something that fit her body better, but you didn’t. You didn’t say anything, not because you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings, but because you wanted to stand out and be the hottest one that night. She went out in that tight black dress that emphasized her muffin top and thought she rocked it, not realizing how she really looked. Well, hey, you looked hot and made sure your friend didn’t. “We only carry sizes one, three and five. You could try Sears.” - Bitchy Store Manager, Mean Girls The woman saying this works at a high-end store, and thinks she’s too good to help the customer, Regina George, find a different dress. Basically, she knows her life isn’t going anywhere, so why not bash on a pretty customer? The simplest things we do in our everyday life, whether they’re intentional or unintentional, somehow affect others around us. But should we even feel bad if others don’t realize their self-esteem is going down? Like, come on, not trying to be

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rude, but every man (or woman) for themselves, right? Classic scenarios where people do things that unknowingly boost their self-esteem while lowering the self-esteem of others. Your classmate asks you for study notes. You say you don’t have any notes, even though you do and are using them to study for your biology midterm. You end up getting a B+ on that midterm, while your classmate gets a C. That feeling you get when you know you did better than someone else is amazing. Don’t be sorry! Wanting someone not to surpass you is … uh… normal. When you get your hair done and you’re leaving the salon; you strut it like you’re on the runway, and everyone stares, thinking about how dead their hair is, or how it has split-ends and needs a trim. You’re unknowingly rubbing it in their faces that their hair sucks because it’s less shiny than yours and needs shampooing. Who cares what they’re thinking? If their hair sucks, it’s not your problem. Your friend asks you if there’s lipstick on her teeth, and you say no, even though there is. I actually did that once. I was in

Grade 10, and I was so insecure that I made my own friend go out in public with lipstick on her teeth just so my crooked eyebrows wouldn’t stand out in a crowd. I guess when she reads this, she’ll know … #sorrynotsorry When you and your friend are the last two single people in your group of friends, and your friend wants to make it official with that cutie she met in line at Tim Hortons. You start telling her that he’s not really into her like that. You then say he’s a jerk; you just found out he dated your cousin’s best friend’s sister, and he broke her heart by cheating on her. So, she ends up not going for him and you get your wish – you’re not the last single gal in the group. Everyone is selfish, and, like, that’s okay – no judgement. If you’re on the right side of life, then your self-esteem is high as can be, and if you’re on the opposite side, then I’m sorry to say, your life is sad. Let’s just hope you boost your self-esteem by making someone else realize his or her life sucks as well.

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MEET ME IN THE PIT Jason Rivas | Features Editor

I’ve been going to concerts for years now. Music has always been my undying passion, both as a musician and a listener. I’ve put in countless hours waiting outside in sweltering heat (Deftones heatstroke of 2015) and freezing snow storms (I went to see letlive. because it was warmer at the venue than at my house which was without power for a week). I’ve spent countless hours waiting for bands to set up, only for them to sound like white noise because the “sound engineer” has everything in the mix at full blast (I’m looking at you sound guy from that 1:00 AM Villains show). I’ve spent countless dollars on tickets and merch (not to mention my favourite charity – forced coat check), but what makes it all worth it are my idols: HXC (Hardcore) Tough Guys. For those of you unaware of who or what HXC Tough Guys are, they’re the cream of the crop when it comes to weeding out who’s a genuine active member of the hardcore community (as well as all other “-core” subgenres) and who’s just a poser. These are the guys who really show you what it’s all about. They walk in with their cut off khaki shorts, Nike Air Max shoes, a Terror hoodie (or a Harm’s Way shirt if they’re the new age HXC Tough Guy), and backwards 5 panel hat. They’re generally covered in exclusively American Traditional Tattoos and one face tattoo of a dagger or a tear drop somewhere on their face. They’re gym rats who can bench 3 scene kids in 4 sets. They vary from abrasive drunks to pushy Straight Edge in terms of substance use, but one thing remains the same: they’re going to call you out for your habits – or lack thereof – regardless. “Why are there X’s on your hands? Are you a pussy?!” “Where are the x’s on your hands?! That beer is not what hardcore is about!”

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They love to let the world know that they’re the reason why hardcore is alive and well. Where would I be without them? It’s not like I fell in love with the energy of hardcore on my own. I definitely don’t owe it to Bane and Rotting Out for providing me with a more raw and organic sound that was missing from the cookie cutter metalcore I grew up listening to. I owe it to “Native”, the big dude who cracked my friends rib in the pit even though he wasn’t pitting. Who can forget that time he found some Tommy Lee’s hat (a HXC Tough Guy with a Napolean complex) on the floor and rubbed on his genital area. Tommy Lee is a perfect example of the HXC Tough Guy in action. He enjoys hardcore dancing and moshing, but you better watch out if you get in the way with your own dancing or if you complain that he hit you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him finish a show. He always finds a way to get kicked out before the headliner even plays a note. Their over aggression and attitude is the reason why so many people feel welcomed at a show and the community at large. Their form of hazing is “crowd killing.” As a circle forms to create the pit, one or two HXC Tough Guy’s will make it their duty to make sure every concertgoer who is on the fringes of the pit trying to watch the show gets a swift kick or fist. Want to complain? “Stay out of the pit if you don’t want to get hit!” It’s the high five you never wanted. Do you have any resemblance to a scene kid or outsider? Prepare to get hit by the dude wearing the Forced Order shirt that’s just a bit too small for him. But hey, he’s just trying to make sure you feel welcome.

MaCMEDIA RANTS 1. My housemate has a lot of really loud and hyper friends, and he loves holding parties in our house. Every time he holds a party, he will set up big PA speakers and invite a lot of musicians to play music, which isn’t really a problem except that he never stops the party at sleepytime. So at 4 in the morning, I will still be waiting for drunk people downstairs to stop yelling into the microphone (hooked up to the PA speakers). I don’t know why no one complains in the house. Maybe it’s because how drunk everyone is that complaining won’t probably make a difference. 2. I don’t think that there’s a single coffee line on York University’s campus that’s not stretching outside of the doors. Seriously, I don’t know if it’s that you guys are taking your sweet ass time making my Caramel Fru-Fru-Latte or that everybody’s rushing for the Holiday Drinks fad, but something needs to be done. We either more staff, more coffee places, or less people drinking coffee. 3. People on Kijiji are the absolute worst. They either don’t get back to you or treat your products as if this is a flea market and want you to sell them for dirt cheap. So it’s okay if big businesses rip you off, but it’s not cool that I want proper compensation? Get outta here. 4. I’m sick of people being such shitty texters. Don’t tell me that you didn’t see my text when I know that your phone is always in your hand. If you start the conversation, then why the fuck would you not reply when I’m only responding to your initial text? I understand if the conversation has died or ended with an emoji, but come on! Don’t be an asshole. Dear shitty texters: Stop being shitty texters. Sincerely, great texters. 5. It’s especially disappointing when you help a friend in need with their essay or assignment and they somehow get a better grade than you. It’s like, were you honey-dicking me and you’re actually brilliant, and I’m actually the scrub here? 6. I’m so damn lonely these days. One minute he’s in Mexico, jumps ship over to Morocco, and soon to leave for Italy. MY Italy. No one else can have Italy. He better not ride down the Via Veneto on a Vespa, otherwise I’ll completely fall off my rocker. Here I am, little old me, stuck here in this big-ass condo while he’s off gallivanting around the world. Am I jealous? WHO DAMN WELL WOULDN’T BE?! Do you think he’s paying for all these extravagant forays into the desert and vineyards?

Damn right, he’s not. Do you think the Moroccan markets are as glamorous as his Instagram posts? Damn right, they’re not – they smell, millions of people are crammed in labyrinths, and they don’t even have chlorine in the water. I think I’m better off here, but why would I be when he’s taking slumber in five-star hotels? An open note to the university: hurry up and end so I can have my plus one! 7. Every single election, the youth demographic suffers low voter turnout. This past federal election, several students said they wouldn’t be voting because supposedly, the economic state of Canada doesn’t matter to them until they start paying taxes. Last time I checked, we all paid a sales tax. Most of us work a part-time job and file income taxes. And when we finally do land that full-time career, the typical university grad will make thousands of dollars less for full-time work than the same-aged person did in the 1970’s. These days, youth devote an average of three years more to postsecondary education and take on way larger student debts than ever before. And after going to school for so long, grads get jobs that pay less than the previous generations have ever earned. In the past, hard work paid off and you had something to show for it. Nowadays, young people are burdened with student debt and the rising cost of living so much that owning property and building toward a stable future has become a far-fetched dream. Politics still responds and holds power for those who organize and show up. Go out there, sign petitions, join protests, talk to your MPs, and remind them of their campaign promises. Ensure that they stick to their word because the fate of Canada lies in your hands. Change happens because one person at a time decides it needs to. Be one of them. 8. One of the things that absolutely drives me nuts is when people cut the line when people are waiting for the bus. I commute to York by taking the GO and I’m always that guy who waits the entire time outside at the stop for the bus, even when it’s freezing out. The reason I do this, you ask? I love sitting at the front of the double decker. Specifically the right side aisle. I think that shit is so tight. And every time, and I mean EVERY TIME, someone cuts in front of me in line they end up taking that exact seat. It’s happened to me 12 times this year so far. I’ve counted. Usually I’m too polite to say anything, but right now I am literally one bad-morning-line-cut away from having a Britney Spears 2007 meltdown on the bus. Straight up. NOVEMBER 2015 | 23

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