Front & Centre

being a stepparent: what you need to know to make it work

Growing your stepfamily into something new and wonderful takes compromise

By Karen Young, Psychologist

I’ve done a lot of hard things. I’ve run a marathon (well, technically a ‘fun run’ but it did require running shorts, running, and sweat so I stand firm on ‘marathon’), I’ve given up sugar (not gonna lie - worst two hours of my life), and I’ve travelled (‘Middle East, solo, broke with a backpack’ travelled, not, “May I take your bags, madam? The lift to the 34th floor is just past the atrium” travelled).

Being a stepparent is up there with the hardest. My stepchildren are adults now and even though the fog has cleared, I still claim it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve done.

From the outset, there are things about a stepfamily that would likely hint at trouble if they happened in a biological family: • Another person (the other biological parent) has a hand in some of the big decisions that affect your family - the way the kids are raised (which will always have an impact on your home), weekends, holidays, family rituals, rules. Though you will have a say, there’s a third person with an investment who will potentially want to be heard. • The alliance between the parent and child in a biological family is potentially stronger (understandably) than the couple. In a biological family, both parents have an equal say and big decisions are made by the couple. In a stepfamily, matters to do with the child will often be between the biological parents, or the biological parent and child. Potentially, the stepparent will have less influence in decisions that impact the family and the individuals in it. • The stepparent is an outsider. There are years of shared history, memories, connection, and experiences between members of the biological family that the stepparent will never be a part of. Of course, in time, the stepfamily will grow into something new and wonderful, but first there will be a bit of compromise.

Being the second wife/husband/important person does have benefits, the main one of which is that your partner already has a realistic idea of the work that’s required to make a marriage work. There are no illusions the second time around in relation to the marriage, though there may be a few in relation to the family.

The good news is, there are things that can be done to smooth the bumps along the way, even if you can’t completely disappear them:

1 . Let go of the fantasy . It sounds simple enough (it’s not!) but it could be the difference between your relationship working or not. That’s not overstating it. It really is that important.

An abundance of research has confirmed that unhappiness is caused by the distance between expectations and reality. It’s not so much the situation that causes distress but that the situation is different to what’s expected.

In a stepfamily, everyone comes with their own fantasy. It’s completely normal and inevitable - but if you hang on to the fantasy too tightly, it could very well fail you. Most couples come into a stepfamily thinking that the family will immediately gel, the relationships will be tight, everyone will feel the love, and the family will be a happy one. But it really doesn’t work like that. In a biological family, there would be problems if there was no expectation that you will love your children, they’ll love you back, and all will be close. In a stepfamily, these fantasies set up the potential for profound disappointment. Why? Because all family members come with their own fantasy, some of which are completely incompatible.

Patricia Papernow is a leader in the field of stepfamilies. Her book, Being a Stepfamily, is the best I’ve read. It was a game-changer for me in my own experience as a stepparent.

She identifies the following fantasies, which are typical in a stepfamily:

Stepparent: ‘We’ll be one big happy family. The kids will love me. I’ll love them back. My relationship will be solid. I can’t wait for us all to be a family.’

Biological parent: ‘My partner will love the kids as much as I do and the kids will love my partner back. The kids will be so grateful for everything my partner gives this family. I just can’t wait to show everyone how happy we can be as a family.’

The kids: ‘It’s only a matter of time before my parents get back together. They love each other a lot and as soon as they realize that, we can be a family again.’

Letting go of the fantasy allows for greater acceptance of the reality, more respect for what ‘is’ and more of the flexibility that’s needed to get to wherever you’re going as a family. A stepfamily can be as happy and successful as any other, but it will be different. It’s important to let go of the fantasy gently, because your imaginings of what things would be like would have been a big part of the reason you decided to do this. And don’t worry, let go of the fantasy and reality will see to it that eventually something at least as good will take its place.

2 . See the rough patches for what they are:

a progression, not a fall . There are going to be rough patches and that’s okay. Accept them as a sign of progression toward a new kind of family - one with you in it. Your experience of the stepfamily might be different to what you expected but it doesn’t mean a happy ending isn’t coming.

It’s likely that at some point you will feel like an outsider, as well as jealous, lonely, resentful, confused, and inadequate. You’ll probably experience hostility, indifference, or rejection from your stepkids and more than likely you’ll fight with your partner more than you expected. This is normal. Accept it, let it unfold, and most importantly, don’t take it personally, though I know that’s easier said than done.

It feels like a shakeup, and it is, but it’s all part of the adjustment the family has to go through to get to something better. The family is recalibrating and changing shape to make way for you. That sort of adjustment was never going to be easy. Sometimes things have to fall apart a little so they can come back together in a different way. See the rough patches for what they are: a remaking, a realignment, a progression toward something new, rather than a threat.

3 . Understand and respond to the loyalty bind . It’s normal for children to worry that their acceptance of a stepparent might betray their biological parent. They might worry that if they like you, accept you, or love you, their biological parent will be hurt or angry. This may increase their need to show loyalty to the biological parent by rejecting you or being hostile to you to ‘prove’ their love and loyalty to their parent.

Being a Stepparent – Continued on next page

If you suspect a loyalty bind might be at play, see it for what it is and don’t take it personally. Let your stepchild know that you aren’t trying to replace their biological parent and you know nobody could ever do that. Let them know it’s okay to feel as they do and you will work through it together.

Next, gently put the idea out there that they can care about you and love their other parent at the same time. Acknowledge that you know their relationship with their biological parent will always be special and different to anything else. Let them know you would like to try to have a relationship that is good for both you and the child, and you’ll follow their lead as to what that looks like. the new relationship . Don’t try to replicate the relationship your child has with their biological parent. This runs the risk of inflaming the loyalty bind, but it also takes away the opportunity for you to create something new. You have qualities, wisdom, and experience that will be different to those of the other adults in the child’s life. It may take a while for your stepchild to appreciate that, but be patient. Find new things to share that are different to what the child has with their biological parent.

5 . Decide on what’s important, and let the rest

go . There will be plenty to argue about. The fact that a stepfamily is in the making means that nobody’s story has ended the way they thought it would. Nobody goes into marriage anticipating divorce and children don’t look forward to the day their parents live in separate houses. There’s a lot going on: broken hearts, endings, and angry people. People won’t always be on their best behavior.

Decide on the things that are important to you and

"There are things that can be done to smooth the bumps along the way, even if you can’t completely disappear them."

4 . When your stepchild is ready, work on creating

let the rest go. Push gently for the change that needs to happen but at the same time, respect the rest of the family’s need for stability. The balance will get precarious at times but it’s an important part of getting to where you need to be. You won’t be able to function as a new family until differences are worked through and people have enough of what they need not to feel compromised. Without a doubt, your new family can be phenomenal, but it will take time.

6 . Appreciate the small stuff . Understand that it may be difficult for your stepchild to accept you or show affection toward you for many reasons, none of which will have anything to do with how they feel about you. The upheaval, their own grief and loyalty binds, all make for shaky ground. Appreciate the small moments of contact. It’s easy to overlook them but when they happen, know that it’s big.

7 . Respect that it will take time . In her extensive work, Papernow found that stepfamilies take about seven to 12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system. Quicker families might do it in four years, but some families never really get there. I wonder how much of the time frame has to do with the stepchildren reaching independence and establishing a relationship with their stepparents as adults, rather than children.

8 . Be open to letting go . Be open to the possibility that you may never be close to all or any of your stepchildren. One child may have less need for another adult in their life or may feel the conflict of a loyalty bind more than the other children. You might also be too different from each other to make it work. The most important thing is that when the kids are younger, you are committed to making it work, but that doesn’t mean it will work out as planned. There is enormous grace and courage in being able to let go, which is different than giving up.

All stepfamilies are different but they share common vulnerabilities. They can be as rich, warm, loving, and wonderful as any other family. No family is smooth sailing all the time but the dynamics of a stepfamily present challenges at the start that are unique. Within that is the potential to rise to the challenge and come out with something extraordinary.

Karen Young has worked as a psychologist in private practice, organizational settings, has lectured, and has extensive experience in the facilitation of personal growth groups. Be sure to check out her blog, heysigmund.com. Reprinted with permission by Karen Young. CCM

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