The Choice is Yours: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behaviors

By Ronda Gates

Have you ever said, “I know what I need to do; I just can’t seem to do it”?

I’ve yet to meet someone who can deny the presence of this inner critic in some area of their life. No matter how mentally healthy we may be, that gremlin, eager to remind us of our inadequacies, seems ever eager to pop into our head and put us down.

My friend, Emma, is a good example. Every year, when March rolls around Emma experiences headaches, chest tightness, and sleeplessness. She attributed the symptoms to seasonal allergies and asked her physician for a prescription to make her feel better. Instead of writing a prescription, her wise doctor asked Emma what was going on in her life. “Well, I guess the biggest irritation is that since my husband died, a lot of the logistical things he used to manage simply aren’t getting done. For example, I have an appointment with my accountant next week to file taxes, another with an attorney to revamp my trust, and a third with an agent to review my insurance. I know what I need to do, but it’s all too overwhelming.”

In contrast to Emma, Bill doesn’t have a problem getting organized for tax season. After his annual physical revealed worrisome lab values and weight gain, he resolved to make a daily workout a priority so he could lose excess weight, improve his health and avoid going on medications. At the beginning of the year he joined a health club, but his initial burst of enthusiasm waned and his New Year’s resolution continues to be sabotaged by excuses. “It’s too cold to be outside” or “I’ve got to keep up with my paperwork.” Or “I need new workout shoes.” Bill also says, “I know what I need to do, I just can’t seem to do it.”

Procrastinating and avoiding commitments are only two of many self-defeating behaviors that prevent us from responding to life in healthy ways. Others include overeating, perfectionism, fear of success, prejudice, and daydreaming. Self-defeating behaviors have many characteristics in common including:

 They occur frequently

 they interfere with your happiness

 they insulate you from being your best

 they are behaviors you want to change

Our mind is divided into conscious and unconscious levels. The conscious mind governs the mental processes and choices of which we are aware. For example, an awareness of thirst will trigger getting a drink of water. A list of activities at Leisure World may encourage actively learning more about getting involved. When we learn something new we use our conscious mind.

Since the conscious mind is too busy to deal with everything we must do to live, the more repetitive tasks and behaviors fall to the unconscious mind, which operates “without thinking.” For example, if you take the same route to a destination every day, you rarely think about how to get there—you just go. You never give a thought to the process used to start your car or how to fold your arms or cross your legs. You “automatically” engage in unconscious thinking. Repeat a new behavior or skill often enough, and it moves to the unconscious mind. It’s habitual. The downside is the ability to also develop unconscious self-defeating behaviors such as Emma’s continually putting off business matters or Bill’s commitment to exercise.

Psychologists tell us that self-defeating behaviors typically take root in our childhood. The non-logical mind of a child who doesn’t have the support or skills to manage difficult tasks will respond to the stress in a childlike way. Over time that child-like behavioral response can become rooted deep in the unconscious and rear its ugly head as we get older. For example, a child told to do a homework assignment without the required instruction or resources to complete the assignment may put the task off. After repetitive experiences, procrastinating becomes the unconscious behavior that plays itself out under similar circumstances in adulthood.

Self-defeating behaviors continue because they produce a payoff. In the case of Bill, procrastinating about exercise gives him the time and opportunity to do something he enjoys more. On the other hand, if he sticks to his exercise plan and improves his health, a better report from his doctor will become the payoff to continue.

The good news is that for most of us, self-defeating behaviors are ultimately so out of sort with our true nature that we become well aware of the price we are paying for them. Eventually, our discomfort becomes a catalyst for change.

Ready to be transformed we become willing to examine self-defeating behaviors and the opportunities we miss when we fail to change. If we are willing to enlist the support of friends (or professionals who make us accountable), we learn and use the skills that become the foundation for a breakthrough. A SMART (specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic, and timely) approach to changing a self-defeating behavior into a lifeenhancing behavior can, with repetition, become rooted in our unconscious mind--just like a useful software program can be installed and used. A commitment to exercise can become a reality. Successful repetition of a life-enhancing behavior produces a payoff without a price and we are transformed, setting the stage for tackling the next challenge and actualizing our potential. You are worth the effort so take action.

Ronda Gates, MS is a Leisure World resident with health-related degrees in pharmacy, nutrition, exercise science, and behavior. Her hobbies include ferreting fact from fiction when it comes to health-related news and supporting activities that encourage active aging.

If interested in learning more about how selfdefeating behaviors evolve and how they can be overcome, consider attending the 2 ½ hour Overcome your Self-Defeating Behaviors workshop scheduled for 9 a.m. January 23, 2023, in the Lakeside Room. You can sign up at the Oasis Fitness Center.