AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 2
S P I L L E D M I L K | | N O V E M B E R 2019
CONTENTS
4
THE BOARD
Not enough people on InDesign
6
SURVEYS
Want funny answers to not funny questions?
14
??????????
28
ARTICLES
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
36
INTERVIEWS
Asking people things
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M
M
S
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THE BOARD Main Bruh / Surveys / WE’RE BACK BABY: Santi Parra ’20 Bruh 2 / Interviews / AAAAAAAAAAAAA : Simon Cull ’20 Bruh 3 / Articles/ Prefect? Which House?: Laney Nicholson ’20 Bruh 4 / Articles / Cherie: Cherie Fernandes ’21 Bruh 5 / ??????? / Looking for a new cat: Audrey Safir ’20 Bruh 6 / Surveys / Likes to yell “potato” in class: Darin Khan ’20 Bruh 7 / Graphics / Certified Fortnite Gamer: Giao Vu Dinh ’20 Elder Gods / The heirs to the Blevins Throne (we miss you!): Ms. Kim McMenamin, Ms. Kayla Corcoran Graphics by: Giao Vu Dinh ’20, Oona Pierre ’20, Bryan Hernandez ’20 Note of Disclaimer: This is a student-run satire publication, NOT an official Lawrenceville School publication. Whatever views are portrayed here do not necessarily reflect those of the School. All names of Lawrenceville students/faculty mentioned in this magazine are used with permission from the nameholders. 5
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SURVEYS
The Best Survey Answers SM Writers
This section includes the best answers from the survey that Santi sent to the Spilled Milk writing list. Of course, they are listed in no particular order.
Q1: I’m voting for _______ to be my 2020 President. ur mom unironically bernie but ironically probably like the hamburgler or something Gotta be [Simon Cull] The Dynamic Trio of Benito Mussolini, Ayn Rand, and Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) Barack Obama 2: Electric Boogaloo Hillary Clinton 2.0 Kanye West Richard Nixon’s head Donald Duck (obviously)
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Q2: Houston, we have a problem: ______________. im not sure where my yogurt went i ate a bunch of that astronaut ice cream and now the toilet will not flush Florida’s gone too far, and we need to cut it off. Abbott’s closed :( Houston Kilby [’21] has threatened to murder the next person who makes this joke Walter i forgot to bring my hydroflask the Air Buddies are in Space
Q3: I accidentally got my roommate a major because __________. ate her toothpaste smashed the light and turned the whole [EXPLETIVE] room into an unlit path I thought burning their nickelback poster was a favor mistook it for F# minor. got parietals with them but we closed the door turned off her alarm and she slept through three class days straight witnessed the murder
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ate his hamster bought one of those theater mode TVs but then I realized it wouldn’t fit in my dorm. However we had a room inspection that night so I started panicking about where to hide my new TV, but then the housemaster started walking near my room so I panicked and lugged it out the window somehow. Unfortunately for me a tour was walking right under my window and it almost smashed onto one of the family members... The housemaster came to ask what happened but I hid under my bed so she wouldn’t find me and when the family sued the school and the lawyer was questioning me I said that I wasn’t on campus the day it happened since I was eating dinner with my family and I also had signed out on sentinel (big brain moment). So then they knew it had to be my roommate since I obviously was not on campus.
Q4: Nobody expected the ____________ hornets! oh jesus christ!!! invasion of the semi-literate, telekinetic squirrels Hot dog bar A SIXTH TIME Spanish Inquisition, so they were pleasantly surprised when it didn’t show up after all. Irwin fare to develop sentience (though in retrospect we probably should’ve) new issue of spilled milk to actually be released Rise of China Great War’s Squeakquel: Electric Boogaloo
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Q5: Instead of doing my English reading, I __________. have nothing to say to you Emailed the author. Still waiting for a reply Reformed the Ottoman Empire waited until midnight, snuck into irwin, and stole all the couches wept for my future in this brutal economy and global culture of indifference to our destruction of the planet finished the college essays due two weeks ago Milkman get absence ate my roommate’s hamster got suspended for having a karaoke night
Q6: I lost my 24-hour pass, can I give you __________ instead? my heart this stick of I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter! A rare beyblade My soul This weird bug I found
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beans. just beans. a week’s supply of advisee-lunch brownies a soggy, 2 day old cheez-it that I found in my backpack my first born
Q7: Instead of a bonfire, we should __________ for Hill Day. fortnite probably just still have a bonfire win the football game Commit larger acts of arson Rodeo all transfer to hill grill (is ram meat any good?) fire former hill students posing as our faculty sleep all dress as Hill people instead
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Q8: If Santi Parra were a Disney Princess, who would he be? Princess Leia - it COUNTS Cinderella sinon [sic] cull I’m gonna say Merida bc I thought about it and now I can’t get the cursed image of Santi with curly red hair out of my head The slipper shakira’s furry form Milkman Kuzco Elsa, and he would rock Let It Go
Q9: Where on campus would you go in a zombie apocalypse and why? wherever they keep the jigger sushi at, fort knox or some [THING] Probably at Hill. They have no brains to eat there. off campus without permission ;) A day student locker room--the smell probably kills the undead for good TJs, yum yum
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the cemetery, more action the totally not sus attic of dawes, since its locked...
Q10: Do I even need to tell you what the question is?
Q11: Which kind of water is best?
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?????????
Obituary to My Definitely Real, Not Murdered Cat Audrey Safir ’20, Ria McDonald ‘21, Robert Smith ‘20
In this old photo, Twinkles and I are having a conversation. She was always a contrarian, but we worked it out.
I knew that Twinkles was for me when she clawed out a child’s face. This child
had purchased pistachio ice cream, and in their moronity had dropped it on the sidewalk. Instead of just buying a real flavor, the child insisted on crying, much to the annoyance of everyone around them. While Twinkles may have been one-legged, her leg was very powerful and oddly effective at scratching out the child’s face. Needless to say, the child stopped crying. I picked her up and saw a pink collar with the name “Macy”. I figured if her owners were stupid enough to name her after a department store, they didn’t really deserve her anyway. I threw the collar in a nearby trash and took her home. Adjusting to Twinkles’ diet proved difficult. Instead of accepting cat food, she insisted on eating the bowl. She even tried to eat my axe, to which I responded by 15
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threatening to test if a one-legged cat could land on its foot when thrown off the roof. Don’t look at the axe, Twinkles. Don’t do it or I’ll gouge your eyes out. Her favorite delicacy proved to be exhaust pipes. I would often find her on the driveway, little soot marks covering that little pink nose and her teeth in metal. How did a cat with only five teeth chew metal, you ask? Shut up. That’s not your problem. Or Twinkles’, for that matter. Just don’t look at the axe. She was a very well-mannered cat. Sure, she had some issues understanding pig latin, but she would always respond right away when I would tell her to do something. When I called her name, she would hiss at me. When I told her “it-say,” she would swat at me with her vicious leg. I would tell her to “ome-cay o-tay e-may,” and she’d get up and move (invariably in the wrong direction, but at least she got the gist of it). She moved rather quickly for a one-legged cat. 100 mph to be exact. I buried her in the valley, next to Mother, underneath a nice rosebush filled with acorns. Next to Sparkles too. But we don’t talk about him. Don’t look at the knife, Sparkles. The funeral was brief but lovely. I sang “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Axe” since it seemed fitting given the circumstances of her death. Twinkle, twinkle, little axe. Now, you’re never coming back. Down inside the earth so low. You stared so now you have to go. Twinkle, twinkle, little axe. Now your head has a large crack. I’m sure she would have appreciated the humor. I’ll never see Twinkles pogo-sticking around on her one leg ever again. And she’ll never see me through her ½ eye. Which I definitely didn’t hollow out like a pumpkin on Halloween. I’m going to miss you, Twinkles. But at least your headless, tailless kitten Pickles won’t look at the axe. 16
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Poems About Sand (that was the plan, at least.) Thomas Park ‘20
“The Single Grain” so much depends upon the single grain of sand that I am supposed to be writing about but it’s not very interesting so I’m just parodying famous poems instead
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“The Prompt Not Taken” Two prompts diverged in an email good, And sorry I could not write for both And be one poet, long I stood And thought about one as long as I could To see how many bad puns I could make with it; Then chose the other, just as fun, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was funnier in concept; Though as for that the potential for bad puns Had made them really about the same, I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two prompts stood out in a list, and I— I took the one that caught my eye, And now I’m bored and can’t think of anything good to write.
(also full admission, I cut out the third stanza of the poem because I couldn’t think of any way to make it work with the concept. eh this is just for fun anyways, it’s not like this is my actual submission to Spilled Milk)
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“All The Issue’s A Stage” All the issue’s a stage, And all the Spilled Milk writings merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one prompt in its time plays many parts, Its acts being seven stages. At first, the prompt choice, Delayed for three days because of sloth. Then procrastination, with its phone And Discord notif sounds, browsing new memes And checking Reddit. And then classwork comes, And then some other stuff. Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, Is me still at my desk nine hours hence, Sans sleep, sans time, sans poem, sans undertale.
“Shall I compare thee to a grain of sand?” Shall I compare thee to a grain of sand? Thou art more worthy and more easy to write about Wait no I mean “easier” Nevermind let’s just start on the next poem, they can’t all be winners wait what am I saying none of these have been winners anyways
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“Where Is The Grain Of Sand” no seriously where did it go
“To My Editor:” I have lost the grain of sand that these poems were about And which I was probably supposed to keep track of Forgive me it was so small and coarse and rough and irritating and I could have sworn it was right here on the desk a moment ago am I fired
“I Think I’m Fired” Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary
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Over many a quaint and curious post of famous Reddit lore– While I sat, procrastinating, suddenly there came a grating, As of someone perforating, grating through my bedroom door. “Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “baiting at my bedroom door– Only this and nothing more.” Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak September, And each separate dying ember was in violation of the school fire code. Eagerly I wished the morrow;– vainly I had sought to borrow From my phone surcease of sorrow– sorrow for a 34– For that somber, taunting test grade that had come back 34–
Killed my GPA, I’m sure. And the bland and uninspired posting of each copypasta
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic laughter never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating “’Tis some visitor creating noises at my bedroom door— Some late visitor creating noises at my bedroom door;— Why am I saying this out loud?” Presently the noise grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, “Hi,” said I, “Can you stop making weird noises”—here I opened wide the door;—
And my editor came in, power drill in hand,
And lectured me for half an hour about losing that grain of sand And now I think I’ve lost my job at Spilled Milk. I guess I’ll just wait and submit these parodies to the Lit instead wait I’m a day student how did they get into my house 21
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This E ssay Got Me Into Harvard .
(It;s true!)
Giao Vu Dinh ’20 Harvard’s Prompt: The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?
When I was seven and got bored of playing the piano, my parents bought me a violin to entice me back into learning musical instruments. You see, it’s a common stereotype for Asian kids to play musical instruments, and my parents were determined to make sure I was not an exception. But I was horrible at playing the violin,and after begging for years and years to stop, my parents finally agreed to let me pursue my dreams. I broke through the stereotypes that had bound me to these lessons and managed to discover my life’s true calling: helping other people. Through this enlightening experience, I finally learned the meaning of life: giving up other people’s expectations of what you should be in order to discover your true passions.
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Have I done a good job of convincing you that I am a dedicated and passionate person willing to defy other people’s expectations in order to pave my own path in the world? If you haven’t, no worries, there are plenty of other reasons why I am worthy of being accepted into your college.
As you can see from my perfect grade book, I am extremely good at solving problems. This is also evident through the incredibly hard electives I have chosen to take throughout my high school years, the portfolio of computer science and engineering projects I put together over my summer as well as a recommendation from my mentor at my internship at Google, and my presidency in over 20 clubs, including yacht club, knitting club, and Model UN. But that doesn’t mean that I am what you’d consider another Asian Robot - in fact, I am nothing like the rest of those students. On top of my extremely full schedule, I volunteer at the Trenton soup kitchen for forty hours every week and during my school breaks, I visit impoverished countries around the
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world to teach community members how to read and write English. Over the summer, during my visit to an extremely poor school in Cambodia where I taught young kids how to read and write, the trip leader, Rick, told me about how he was accepted to almost every Ivy League, but was unfortunately waitlisted at Harvard so he was forced to attend Princeton instead. He was initially enrolled in pre-Law at Princeton but found it unsatisfactory compared to the college credit summer courses he had taken at Harvard, so he swapped over to the engineering track. He finished all of his major credits in two years, and then was offered the chance to be accelerated straight into getting his masters’ in another two years time, but by that point he had realized that engineering wasn’t the path for him and decided to drop out of college to pursue his life’s passion of League of Legends gaming. He won the first competition he competed in, earned $2 million off of it, bought himself a yacht, and sailed off to an island in Micronesia where he lived in the wilderness with a bunch of animals for 3 years. Through this experience, he realized that his true goal in life was to be the best educator he could possibly be. That was how he ended up at a summer camp mostly intended for elitist prep school kids who just happened to have $10,000 dollars to spend on a college-bait summer camp.
That was the only conversation I ever had with Rick, although I do have a 459-day streak with him on Snapchat. But I thought his words were so profound that I had to share them in this essay because I have to stand out somehow from all the other students with 1600s on their SATS and three varsity sports and so many extracurriculars they won’t all fit on the common app. I could give you so many more reasons why I would be the perfect candidate for your school, but honestly, if you aren’t convinced yet, my parents granted me a small loan of $1 million dollars to donate to a college of my choice, so. Your call.
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A Very Concerning Memo Calli Colvin ’22 Dear Student: Lawrenceville believes that students value and grow with feedback. This email serves to let you know that your teacher has written this comment for you to consider and then discuss with your advisor: Hi, Your performance on the exams has been fine, sort of, but we need to discuss your mannerisms and dress in my class. Firstly, I love that you are being sustainable and using a hydroflask reusable water bottle, but please don’t make friendship bracelets on it in class. Also, please stop yelling “SAVE THE TURTLES” at random intervals during Harkness. These behaviors are distracting and take away from the cognitive learning of yourself and others. Also, while your hair looks very nice tied up with ONE scrunchie, you do not need to cover your arms in 100 of them. This will cut off your circulation and you will no longer have hands. In addition, I would appreciate if you followed class dress. I love that you come to class prepared every day with your homework done, but you also need to come to class ready. That means no more birkenstocks with socks, short blue jean shorts, and far too large t-shirts that say “SKSKSKSKSK.”. I hope we can work this out! Best, [This teacher which is definitely not fake at all] 25
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The Saturday Squirrel Saga .
We asked people to follow a squirrel. We were surprised that .
.
someone actually did it. .
Mel Josephson ’22 Are you ready to read the most dramatic adventure in your life? Well then welcome. Imagine spending your athletic time chasing a squirrel around campus just because you feel like it. Imagine wasting your afternoon in pursuit of material for a satire piece maybe 15 people will read. Come with me, step into my shoes. This is the Saturday Squirrel Saga.
12:30
I leave Irwin. My search for a squirrel begins.
12:42
By now I’ve trekked all the way to KAC, and then… I see Him.
12:43 He glances back and stares me down, deep in the eyes as if He knows why I’m here. I begin to tremble, but I know I must go on. The world must know.
12:44 Cars and students pass us by.
People look at us like we’re crazy. I’m
not crazy. Im in hot pursuit. Like that movie “21 Jump Street.” 26
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12:45
He ran up a
tree. [EXPLETIVE].
1:04
getting sort of
tired of this, he’s just chilling up there, all smug and [expletive], watching me suffer.
1:10
I turn around to
leave when an acorn hits me on the head. Square in the noggin. A nut. It’s on. He’s going down.
1:17 He runs down the tree and over to Dawes, naturally I follow. 1:20
Through the Bowl he goes, and with that comes twenty-something freshmen
gawking at me while I chase this wild animal around like a nutjob. (get it…) (The chase goes on for a while at this point. I did not stop running for 40 minutes.)
2:00
He finally slows and scurries up another tree. I’m so exhausted I cannot
even deal with this right now. Why am I doing this? This is so stupid. Gawd.
2:10 He pops out of his hole one last time.
As if to say goodbye. I look back
longingly and for a brief moment, we have clarity. We understand each other. Until suddenly, another acorn smashes on top of me.
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ARTICLES
How to Smuggle a Pet into Lawrenceville .
Laura French ’21 and Santi Parra ’20
Hi Lawrentians! As we head back into the school year I know many of us are feeling stressed and tired. Some people are certainly craving home and all its comforts! In times like these I think we’re all familiar with the desire to surround yourself with things from home, but while pillows and pictures and cute but really dirty ten-year-old blankets can all be shipped up, one thing can’t: pets! More than anything else, many people are missing their own furry friends, whether it be a dog, cat, guinea pig, kangaroo, or snake, and there’s nothing quite like them here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like the admins intend to alter the rules anytime soon, so we’ll have to make do alone… or do we? In this guide, I’ll do my best to provide y’all with the school’s best tips and tricks on smuggling pets into Lawrenceville! (Do at your own risk. I will not be sued for your own mishaps.)
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Method One: By the Books Starting with the safest and most legal way to smuggle one’s pet into Lawrenceville is to follow the rules. The handbook states that students are prohibited from keeping pets on the Lawrenceville campus, but it never says anything about pets keeping students! Fill out an application to the Lawrenceville school under your pet’s name, and if accepted, they will have to board on the campus! Pros: The safest way. If accepted, your pet will be protected by law from campus removal, no matter how obvious their species is! Cons: your pet will have to be accepted to the school for this plan to succeed, so make sure you spend a lot of time on SSAT or ICEE prep and on Duolingo for English. This method also requires much continued effort! If accepted, you’ll also need to make sure your pet keeps their GPA up! Failing too many classes may result in expulsion, and then all your work will have been for naught!
Method Two: The Sneaky Sneaky. This one is the easiest way. It’s quite simple. Just take your dog, cat, hamster, or chinchilla and sneak it into your room when the Housemasters aren’t looking. People are more oblivious than you think, so you can definitely just bring a pet in your backpack or just walk it into the house and no one will notice. Pros: Very easy. Simplest to do, and it can work with any pet. Even those that are a bit bigger, like wallabies. Maybe not fish, though. Carrying that without making a lot of noise might be a bit hard, but hey, you got this. Cons: People might notice. Also, keeping the pet hidden will be a problem. I mean, most pets need walking outside so they can do their things, so you’ll have to Mission 30
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Impossible your way out of each situation and still have to bring them back in. Good luck with that.
Method Three: Theft. You know those therapy dogs they bring in for finals week? Just take one, they won’t notice. Pros: Also very easy. Can also work with any other pet you steal. Hey, you can even just steal one of the squirrels running around campus. Have your own Certified Squirrel Emporium (patent pending) in your room! Cons: The police will (probably) search for that dog for days, so the whole Mission Impossible thing will be much harder. Plus, a stolen pet might not take kindly to you. Especially the squirrels. They can bite. I know that from experience.
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Method Four: Private Jet. This is a rich kid school. If your parents can’t convince the school to let you have a pet with a small loan of a million dollars to build a new football stadium, then just have your dad fly on his private jet above campus and release 100000 hamsters from 10000 feet in the air. The campus will be overrun in minutes and everyone can have a pet, too! It’ll be like Sharknado, except less dangerous and more fluffy. Pros: You get to naenae on the administration with your wealth, and everyone can have a free hamster! Cons: You need parent approval, a private jet, and a lot of hamsters. Also, I feel like not every hamster will survive a fall from 10000 feet. Also, 100000 hamsters miiiiiiiiiight cause a bit of a health code issue, but you can cross that bridge when you get there.
Method Five: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Fun fact: Rocks are considered pets by many people around the world. I mean, they were popular before, for some reason, so that must obviously still be true today. Just keep one in your room and take care of it and no one will bat an eye. Pros: You’ll never need to feed, water, or walk a rock. Perfect for those forgetful ones. Also, they’re the only pet that’s actually “legal” to keep. Pfffft. Cons: They’re kinda boring. Also, people might look at you weirdly. But hey, if you’re like me and have a name for your own succulent, I’m sure you’ll be fine with a rock that serves as a pet.
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Method Six: Actually Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson If you can find a way to get The Rock to come to the school, then the administration will have no choice but to let you have a pet. Why? Do you even know who Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is? The man is a [flippin’] TANK. He can and will tower over anyone in the most intimidating fashion. The administration will stand no chance against someone as buff as The Rock. Also, he has a chihuahua, so he knows how good pets can be for you. Pros: If you successfully bring The Rock to campus, you will 100% be the most popular person in school, hands down. You might even be able to get a selfie with him! (Also you’ll be able to have your pet) Cons: He’s too busy filming really bad comedy movies with Kevin Hart to come to campus. So, good luck getting to him. I’ve already tried.
Method Seven: Transfer to Hill They can’t stop you from keeping a pet if you go to another school! The Hill school can serve as your pet’s new home. I mean, what are they going to do, beat us in football? Nah. Pros: The Lawrenceville admins can’t stop you. Hill is an easy school to transfer to because no one applies there. Also, the radiation will probably mean that a hamster will develop mind powers and your dog will have two tails. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Cons: The Hill admins can stop you. Also, the radiation will probably mean that you will grow a third leg. If you’re not into tripedalism, this might not be for you.
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The Whispers The Lawrenceville Community Whispers are quotes that you, the Lawrenceville students, send us that are are funny, weird, or out of context. Studies show that there are about 100 Whispers every day, but not all are sent to us. Here are the ones that were. You’re welcome.
“Everyday is a rollercoaster and I hate rollercoasters.”
“I’m pretty sure Shakespeare didn’t say that.” “He didn’t write it down but he sat down and said ‘let’s get lit and write some plays.’”
“Net force equals zero, let’s get it!” “The wall punches back!”
“Would my vert be higher on Everest?”
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“[NAME WITHHELD], what is your problem, put your clothes on.
“If it’s not on 4chan, it’s not worth my time.”
“Did you know Delaware has 2 senators... I think.” “You should give Delaware to Texas. Texas is a stupid state. Annex that [stuff ].”
“If you hit the quan in class one more time...”
“We’re all going to do 45 degree angles.” “yesssss!”
“I’m itchy” “I’ll itch you bro”
“You didn’t pack your marble?!?”
“Hi, yes, may I please get a grande strawberry açaí refresher and some dignity please? Just kidding, that was a joke. But actually.” 35
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INTERVIEWS
Interviewing the Young Children (a.k.a Freshmen) Ashley Warren ’20
Q1: How old is DMac? Uhhh uhhhh 50 maybe? 47! Uh ah uh 107 21 A solid 10 35, let’s be honest Uh like I can’t be nice to her… 10 Like 40
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Q2: How long is [a certain Headmaster’s] mustache, from left to right, in inches? 12… uh 6 inches! 4.5 inches. 6 inches 6½ 5. 5. 5. 5. 5¾ Oh 6 inches maybe 7 4.5 inches
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Q3: Which major school rule would you want to break if you got a free pass for only one?* * DISCLAIMER: SPILLED MILK DOES NOT CONDONE THE BREAKING OF MAJOR SCHOOL RULES BY INNOCENT FRESHMEN (like really though don’t do that and say we convinced you, that wouldn’t be cash money)
Probably the lying stealing cheating one… *[teacher] in the background* “so all of them” Hazing. I’d like to climb on top of a building *without missing a beat* getting off lit paths Unlit paths [uh ha ha] signing out on sentinel I just wanna do dumb [STUFF] my senior year Going out with a senior!
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Bathroom Interviews 2: Electric Boogaloo .
.
Mel Josephson ’22
Q1: What’s your name? Franny Broken Orange Bathroom Apple Banana Loo Diddy Kong Jacob Sartorius
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.
Q2: What class are you missing right now? Franny: ICPS 100% Broken: Math Orange: A day out Bathroom: Consultation with my students Apple: Relaxation Time Jacob Sartorius: Math
Q3: What are you here for? Franny: The pursuit of happiness Broken: To pee Jacob Sartorius: To fix my outfit
Q4: The most ridiculous part of lville? Franny: Hookup culture Broken: It’s between you and the football team Jacob Sartorius: Irwin
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Q5: Worst house on campus? Franny: Wood Broken: At least we’re not Cleve #3peat Jacob Sartorius: [This person named a house that doesn’t exist]
Q6: How stressed are you on a scale of senior spring to Turkey Term? Broken: Winter Finals Franny and Jacob Sartorius (syncronized): Turkey Term.
Apple: I don’t know any of this… Is turkey term, is that low or high? Orange: Its high, senior spring is low Apple: Probably in the middle Me: Really? Apple: I mean, that’s just right now. Me: Good for you Bathroom: I am like... Apple: Do teachers get stressed? Bathroom: I’m like parent-teacher conference stressed
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Q7: Most cultish sports team? Fanny: Hockey Broken: Girls Ice Hockey Orange: Boys Lacrosse Bathroom: Lacrosse Apple: Hockey Jacob Sartorius: Hockey
Q8: Do you wanna plug anything right now? Franny: ABC. Broken: Follow @lvilleoutingclub on insta. Orange: More days off. Bathroom: Peace and quality of life days. Apple: @[HouseThatDoesn’tExist] Instagram Loo: FCA Diddy Kong: Hit up Lego Club
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