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Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
CONTENTS
5
THE BOARD
6
SURVEYS
Where DO babies come from?
14
ARTICLES
Just another day at the Lawrence
24
WHISPERS
For some well-spoken kids, we arnt very well-spoken
28
INTERVIEWS
Shoutout the fellows
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Wake up. Hi! welcome to Spilled Milk.
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THE BOARD The Milk/ Editor in Chief / THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: Calli Colvin ‘22 Milk 2/ Interviews / Major Pain in the Butt : Devan Morey ‘22 Milk 3/ Surveys / Curator of SM fine art: Yendi Foo ‘22 Milk 4/ Monthly Whispers / 5’9” = 5’11” = 6’0”: Vivian Teeley ‘24 Milk 5/ Articles / Splitting the will 1: Maddy Laws ‘23 Milk 6/ ?????? / Totally a Boarder: Tiffany Wen ‘23 Milk 7/ ?????? / Best Athlete: Emily Hammond ‘23 Milk 8/ Caption This! / Denser than Mercury: Ollie Chui ‘23 Milk 9/ Assistant? (Who knows) / Most Spilled Milk: Brinly Teeple ‘24 Graphics / Double Agent Ig?: Calli Colvin ‘22 The Milk Carton/ Boss its a 40 hour work week: Ms. Kim McMenamin Editors Note: Hey guys! As this is my final edition of Spilled Milk (literally publishing this Grad Day - 5/29/2022), I just wanted to give a special thank you to every person who has helped make this magazine a success. And to Maddy Laws and Vivian Teeley, the inheritors of my fate, take it easy. Don’t be like the Lawrence. That’s my only condition in passing this magazine on. I love you all. Thank you for the best 4 years. - Calli Colvin ‘22 5 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
SURVEYS 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Survey Questions and Answers SM Writers April 2022 DISCLAIMER: We did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each. The winner for the “Best Answer” contest will have the submitter’s name on it and written in BIG PURPLE LETTERS.
Question One: Favorite part of revisit day the screaming at 7:45 am The catfishing Seeing a kid that revisited in my math class at my lacrosse game this week playing for the other team Eating in abbott (abbott actually being open for once) For a day, Lville being the 70K institution we payed for When it ended
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Question Two: Ah the sweet smell of spring! I’m looking forward to : Daily trips to the dock, the golf course, and the baseball dugouts Allergies (5) Next Christmas!! Spending saturday evenings in detention! :) Pit stains because I dressed to0 warm for the unpredictable weather Shedding layers Coughing bc of pollen but sounding so loud that people in gcad look around concerned. Swarms of bees at the chapel Chasing freshmen around with clear ketchup bottles filled with water AP’s ! HUMIDITY
Question Three: Quick! A revisit kid! What do you do? THROW THEM IN THE POND duck “Step one: Confuse them with a series of bird calls Step two: yell “look over there!” They don’t look because they think it’s a trick, Step three: but it isn’t a trick, it’s your friend leaping across the bowl to tackle them giving you adequate time to escape into Irwin 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Step four: dinner” cult cult cult cult cult cult cult cult scream “NO!” then run away throw a po´ké ball at them Nothing. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t acknowledge their existence at all.
Question Four: Where do babies come from? oh wow um okay! The freezer The great state of Kansas Mem basement We found you in the trash can…. Santa sends them down the Abbott fireplace [DEPARTMENT REDACTED] teachers on medical leave Idk Dmac didn’t send an all school email about it
Question Five: Team Chris Rock or Team Will Smith? INSERT INFOGRAPHIC HERE LOL
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Question Six: Write a Yelp review for big red conversation groups. Wonderous! Most eye opening nap ive ever experienced!! Pancakes/5 stars! 1 star- wouldnt do it again Great place for a refreshing nap Conversation was meh and two of the kids were named after cars instead of a burrito a bunch of high school students using words like “incompatibility” and “restorative” showed up at my front door and they won’t stop occasionally staring at each other in silence waiting for someone to say something or for some imaginary bell to ring. Nap time! 1/5 Stars: Would not recommend joining a cult discussion on a book you didn’t even read. Would give a zero, but I loved the coloring activities. 0/10 - boring, dragged out, unimpactful, and smells like a sophomore’s fart -0.5 stars 4/10 5 stars: best nap i’ve ever had If i could, i would give it a 0, but i cannot, so I rate you... a 1.
Question Seven: Best Irwin meals the bottom of the marshmallow bin scumptydillilicious Meatball sandwich and cheeseburger soup (17) The yellow goop Fromage de hotdog Pizza bagels but only when they catch on fire 1 0 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Tilapia with a side of cheeseburger soup The Chipotle that you doordashed, grabbed from the shed, and ate in Irwin Student-made Wok The utensils in the ceiling
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Caption This!
WINNING CAPTION “Going to consult after a bad interim” - Mel Josephson ‘22 1 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Caption This!
WINNING CAPTIONS S
“Speak up at smeeting or draw 25: speakers:”
“Freshman waiting in their seats at smeeting to leave or draw 25” “Keep the track where it is or draw 25: Joe Tsai: 1 3 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
ARTICLES 1 4 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Avatar: The Last Philosoper Maddy Laws ‘23
“Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony…” We all know where this is coming from. But (long) before Nickelodeon came out with their supposed hit series, one man knew it all was coming. Why it took me so long to make this connection, I am unsure, but this theory will blow your minds. It is simply revolutionary. When I was in seventh grade, I learned atomic theory, but one strange man was included in the sequence of events which led to the discovery of the atom. This man said that the earth’s ways were composed of four different elements: Earth, Water, Fire, and Air. Even today, his work is renowned around the world for its wisdom and pure genius. So, not only does this man know about the existence of the four elements of the World, but he is also enhanced with wisdom, perhaps passed down to him from his previous lives. I’ve come to the conclusion that this man must have been the Avatar. Now I know you’re all waiting for the reveal. Well here it is, the only explanation: Aristotle is the Avatar. His philosophies indicate some type of transgenerational wisdom that only the avatar would hold, the knowledge of souls and stuff. Not only this, but his expansive knowledge of things 1 5 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
from politics to biology encompass what can only be thought of as the four elements he preached about. Also, he kind of just looks the part. Old, beard, wise looking, I’d have guessed it if you showed me a photograph and told me he was involved in a nickelodeon series somehow (he kind of looks like Roku, right?) Now here’s the question, what do we do with this newfound knowledge? Here’s the answer: embrace it. Aristotle was the keeper of peace as the avatar, thus I encourage us to readopt his principles to preserve the world. No more need for atomic theory with Aristotle’s elements. No need for law when we have aristotle’s teachings on morality. Democracy is temporary, the Avatar lasts forever.
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The Hunger
l Lawrencevil e Games Madeline Laws ‘23 You’ve had house olympics, you’ve had spikeball tournaments for house points, but instead of those trivial competitions, we shall compete in the greatest of them all… THE HUNGER GAMES (bc we’re too lazy to wake up and go eat at irwin). Eleven Districts, twenty two tributes, one survivor. Following this painstakingly cringy introduction, I present to you, the Lawrenceville districts (insert fanfare). Luxury - First up is our favorite career district. This is going to go to our house which lives in luxury, (probably the least hungry due to their close proximity to irwin. These housemates are cutthroat and competitive, and expect to win each time. They do not plan on taking defeat. Fierce and with a pack mentality, as well as some pretty luxurious style furniture, Kirby is district one. Masonry - In terms of Masonry, one house stands out as the supreme dominator of all the houses. Not only does their outlandish brick style which deviates from the typical abhorrish red of literally every other house on campus set them apart in Masonry, their selective athleticism will also yield a few successful careers. Surprise surprise, hamill is district two. Technology - Technology, the district that seemingly is non threatening but in reality is full of masterminds. And thus, the title of district three can only go to the campus’s most insufferable Chivers winners, Woodhull, 1 7 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
the first guys house in 20 years (way to break feminism woodhull). Fishing - The flag is blue (idk ngl I know very little about kennedy). Though they might not always be the number one front runner for victory, this house will come from behind to steal it. Also I cannot stress how much of this justification comes from the fact that water is blue and so is their flag. Without further adieu, this year’s house olympics champion, Kennedy, is district four. Power - Ah, the coveted title of the district of power (which sounds a whole lot cooler than it actually is) goes to the obvious pick. As the only house with an elevator, and the only house with a backup generator, Carter is at the pinnacle of power on campus, and thus are district five. Transportation - This house, I can guarantee, is great at navigation, all the way from east to west (we’ll see how they fare when north and south are added to the equation). They exist in a central location of the crescent, for easy transport to any other houses. Therefore, district six is Stephens. Lumber - Lumber members are strong, loyal, powerful, and like cutting wood with axes, just as this house expertly cuts down its competition. They’re the unlikely winners, but tend to be winners nonetheless. Also, Trees = green. Thus, district seven is a crowd favorite, Stanley. Textiles - You know em, you might not love em, but you can’t compete with the style. The flair. The daring nature of their fashion. That’s right, I’m talking big, bold, and brave. District 8 can only be the most fashionable house on campus, Cleve, with their matching green blazers. Most normal people would find their taste outlandish, but Clevies weren’t meant to fit it; they were meant to stand out, so it’s no surprise they represent the textile district. Grain - Ah, gotta love the plant districts. Grain is yellow, and while this house flag isnt yellow, they did wear vivid yellow house olympics shirts (like come on yellow is like 1% of your flag. I’m talking about you Kirby as well). Not only the colors, but as a closely related district to lumber, this house coincides with Stanley. As some might have guessed, Griswold is district nine. 1 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Livestock- The flag here is even the color of livestock! A deep, fierce red resembling their house strength and force. Not just that, but there’s literally a sword on their house flag. Despite that, those in this house with their recent green cup victory know how to do the hard work.... District ten is Dickinson. Agriculture - This house embodies agriculture at its finest. Even their flag bears the fruits of their toils (also I know a lot of varsity farming kids in this house). They’re also sustainable (but STILL lost the trashion show to stanley). Everyone’s favorite house with a plant on their flag (It is a pineapple, just admit it), Mcclellan is district 11. Alright, now to get down to the details. When the countdown starts, Cleve’s tribute falls off the platform early and is eliminated. Probably should have waited. During the sprint to the cornucopia, Stanley, Dickinson, and Kirby get there first. The Woodhullian darts to the cornucopia but is too slow, and is taken down by a Kirbaddie. The Kennedian goes for the cornucopia too, but overconfident from house olympics, he’s taken down by reigning a best in crescent Stanimal.The Carter tribute attempts to go for the cornucopia, but is unable to climb the flight of stairs fast enough because she’s too accustomed to the luxuries of an elevator. Luckily, she manages to escape, but falls off the stairs and is wounded. The rest of the tributes run away. Just an update: Kirby: Alive Hamill: Alive Woodhull: Eliminated Kennedy: Eliminated Carter: Alive (barely) Stephens: Alive Stanley: Alive Cleve: Eliminated Griswold: Alive Dickinson: Alive McClellan: Alive 1 9 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Kirby and Dickinson make an alliance and turn on Stanley. Stanley runs, and quickly finds Griswold, and the two form an alliance as well. Meanwhile, McClellan accidentally eats a poisonous thistle thinking it’s a pineapple. Hamill builds a shelter, but then cockily lights a fire and Kirby and Dickinson find Hamill. However, instead of eliminating Hamill, Kirby and Hamill turn on Dickinson through a pre-negotiated alliance and eliminate Dickinson. The Stephen’s tribute is surviving adequately alone, but Kirby and Hamill seek out Stephens for revenge. Kirby has vowed to become the only tribute with a red house color. Stephens is sadly eliminated. An update: Kirby: Alive Hamill: Alive Woodhull: Eliminated Kennedy: Eliminated Carter: Alive Stephens: Eliminated Stanley: Alive Cleve: Eliminated Griswold: Alive Dickinson: Eliminated McClellan: Eliminated With the two strong pairs left, they meet for a final showdown. Stanley and Griswold versus Hamill and Kirby. Stanley strikes Kirby down but only after Kirby wounds Griswold. After a few meager hits, Griswold and Stanley manage to eliminate Hamill. But, now realizing that only Griswold and Stanley are left, the two try and pull a 74th hunger games type scenario with some berries and both end up dying. Turns out they forgot that Carter is still out there, tending to her wounds after falling off that staircase (why couldn’t they have just got an elevator?!? Please, the hunger 2 0 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
games is on national tv??) Thus, Carter is the unlikely (and frankly quite witty) victor of the Lawrenceville Hunger Games!
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New Jersey Weather... Brinly Teeple ‘24
Why does NJ weather suck so bad? It was in the high seventies a few weeks ago but right now as I write this article it’s literally 39 degrees outside. The weather just can’t seem to make up its mind and no one knows why. Well, coming from just over the bridge to the lovely land of Pennsylvania where we celebrate groundhogs day every February, there we have a little guy named Punxsutawney Phil. He’s a groundhog that once a year comes out from his burrow (aka the library that he lives at in the middle of nowhere Pennsyltucky)to see his shadow. If he sees his shadow it means six more weeks of winter and if he doesn’t see his shadow it means early spring. I am a firm believer in Phil and I think he can do no wrong. I actually believe he controls all the weather of Pennsylvania, which is why Pennsylvania weather is always consistent and amazing despite it only being a 15-minute drive away from here, compared to the sucky NJ weather. My theory though is that Phil has a lesser experienced twin brother named Newark Neil. Now Neil has the same deal as Phil you know the whole shadow thing except he’s a wee bit indecisive. He comes out of his burrow on February second just like his brother and he does the whole ceremony except everyone wears a bowler hat instead of a top hat ( the people in the Punxsutawney Phil ceremony wear very big hats look it up). 2 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
But nobody comes to Neil’s ceremony because they’re too busy watching Phil’s mystique, so Neil’s been pretty salty for a while. Neil either sees his shadow or doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter what he sees: he’s never happy. If he sees his shadow he’ll be cold but if he doesn’t see it he has to buy a whole new wardrobe for spring. There’s no winning for him. So because he’s unhappy two weeks later he’ll wake up early and try to change the weather again. He then gets tired of the new weather because it’s either too hot or too cold. That he does the same thing in two more weeks. He eventually gets so indecisive that he gets up early to see his shadow every day for four weeks ( this is what we call April). He eventually gets so upset about the whole ordeal because he can’t make up his mind that he gives up and lets Mother Nature take the wheel (summer) so he can go back to sleep in his burrow and wait for next February to do it all over again.
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WHISPERS 2 4 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
Monthly Whispers The Lawrenceville Community 2022 Whispers are quotes that you, the Lawrenceville students, send us that are funny, weird, or out of context. Studies show that there are about 100 Whispers every day, but not all are sent to us. Here are the best of the ones that were. You’re welcome. “you have a very broad definition of daddy” “if they don’t open the doors how am i supposed to trash the place” “Lawrenceville is decent soup but there’s a hair in it so its inedible” “i dont think men are real” “irwin is the ipad kid of lville dining” “I’m getting attached to a pixelated chicken pls help” “i like the ankle boot(for broken ankles) it brings out the color of your eyes” “quinn, no offense, but do you own hooker shoes?” “it’s less fun when it’s legal” “what’s his name? hugo? wait no i mean hulk.” “i am an idiot”
“or you’re american. because they’re synonyms”
“the only way to win at this game is to stop playing for 20 years” 2 5 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
“so it’s smells like weed?”
“did you do anything fun?”
”no it smells like home”
“coupon?”
“you look like dr clark--oh hi *student name*!”” *it actually was dr. clark* “you didn’t wanna say ‘halt’ to snap him back? that’s lame” “i’ve had senioritis since sophmore fall” “it’s walking with a purpose but i don’t know what its purpose is” “i hope no one has questions cause i don’t have answers” “you don’t want to sit on an older man’s lap?” “apparently UCLA handed out 140,000 rejection letters, when was the last time you heard of a school handing out 140,000 rejections” “thats like my tinder profile bro” “i filter myself so well around people nowadays you can’t even tell i’m a terrible person” “you stole my jesus!! i’m now buddhist” “you’re actually cool it’s a nerd thing so don’t actually think ur cool” “i wouldn’t call it a fetish but like…” “he doesn’t like me — im not the one who feeds him” “i came into abbot and i felt funky” “anyone who says mint chocolate chip ice cream tastes like toothpaste obviously does not brush their teeth” 2 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
“technical difficulties, not even, i just don’t want to” “manipulate, mansplain, maaaa….n?” “that’s like someone who’s good at running saying ‘I don’t get why they are so slow! They could just train more! They could just move their legs more!’” “I’m gonna stroke your knee while you sleep” “bro wait get on top for a second” “i haven’t seen you in a long time.” “my CoStar said to avoid you…” “SO YOU BELIEVED IT?!” “You told me to do what it said!”
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INTERVIEWS
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Mill enials????
An exclusive interview with the Mill enial teachers of Calli Colvin ‘22 I sat down with 4 of Lawrenceville’s youngest teachers-- some established, and some the babies fellows from across all disciplines to get the inside scoop on what its really like to be a millenial. Each interviewee was given an anonymous name to conceal thier identities, defined by features within thier answers. What are your thoughts on millennial pink? “Music Taste”: To be honest, I’d have to google what it is *laughing* Here, I’ll show you a photo of it “Music Taste”:Oh, I am not a big fan of pink, so, but, you know, if it makes people happy, thats fine “Gameboy”: Millennial whaaa? Millennial pink, the color “Gameboy”: Millennial pink, I don’t even know what millennial pink is. Is that our color? Apparently “Gameboy”: I don’t know, I’m a big pink guy, I like pink. But as of millennial pink compared to other pinks-see you’re googling it and I’m seeing multiple colors of pink 2 9 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
up there-I like some of these… it’s an odd, caucasian, fleshy tone. It’s odd, it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I’m confused though, does every generation get a color? So we don’t know if there’s a gen-Z green, or if it’s just millennial pink and who decided on that. Like, if we only have millennial pink and there’s no other generational color, then that makes me even more uncomfortable. Apparently Gen-Z is yellow, like a banana yellow “Gameboy”: Oh it’s the Pantone, I did know this actually, they do it by year, there’s a gorgeous blue I think in 2020, Millennial pink though, not a fave. Gen-Z yellow, much nicer “Jerry”: Millennial pink? neither... neither... I don’t have any strong opinions about millennial pink. I associate millennial pink with a coffee shop that probably has a good latte. “’Not a Millenial’”: What is millennial pink? You’ve never seen millennial pink? “’Not a Millenial’”: Nope, nope.
Okay, here i’ll show you the color *shows millennial pink*
“’Not a Millenial’”: Oh… it’s a little boring. You know, it’s kinda like a non-feeling, it’s just like a, you know. How do avocados play a part in your kitchen? “Music Taste”: I do love a good avocado, unfortunatelyUnfortunately? “Music Taste”: Uh yeah, I feel like it’s a stereotype, they’re delicious. I’ve stopped trying to buy them out of season, because they’re never good and they always disappoint me. 3 0 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
There’s like an hour when they’re ready to be eaten, and then you’ve missed the window. Have you seen that graphic of the avocado spectrum of not ready, not ready, not ready, too ripe? “Gameboy”: oh the forgotten fruit, not the forbidden but the forgotten fruit for sure. The classic, I’m going to buy the six avocado bag and in my head I see flashes of post-workout meals and healthy wonderful breakfasts that are tasty-esque that never come to fruition and I end up eating like in a halfrushed out of my apartment meal of half-bagel, no cream cheese, and the avocados are forgotten in the sunlight, and by the time I’m two days late trying to actually make the sandwich I imagined when I bought them and they were just perfect, they’re literally soup in a gross casing. For me that’s such a hilarious question, I don’t know if you’ve heard similar answers but for me, absolutely forgotten “Jerry”: Avocados are an infrequent member in the kitchen, however if I’m going to do up a brunch I will buy avocados if I’m going to make some yummy egg dish with some avocado toast. Summertime, you’ll find avocados in the kitchen in preparation for fish tacos or something. I don’t make a lot of guacamole at this point in my life, but I’m not opposed to it. “’Not a Millenial’”: Well, see I’m aspirational when I buy avocados. I see them at the grocery store and I’m like I’m gonna use these in everything, and I come back, and I use two, and the rest go bad. Avocado toast? “Music Taste”: LOVE avocado toast, but it requires good bread which I don’t always have in the house. I like avocado with eggs, and I like avocados in an egg-y taco. An eggy taco and avocado and hot sauce is delicious “Gameboy”: I’m a HUGE avocado toast guy, but not of my own creation. The effort of making avo-toast is so minimal and I still don’t take the time to do it. I buy them, imagine avocado 3 1 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
toast, and then never do it. And I have all of the necessary pieces laid out, wonderful bread, a little paprika, great ripe avocado, and never put it together. So big, big avocado toast[guy], when it’s provided to me, somehow powerfully and impressively incapable of making myself. “’Not a Millenial’”: Avocado toast for sure. Yeah avocado toast mainly um if I’m making tacos i’ll slice up some avocados. On a scale of 1-10 rate your frugality “Music Taste”: Around a five now, it used to be “I can’t possibly buy an immersion blender, who do I think I am” but now I just buy stuff when I need it sometimes “Gameboy”: oh… this is so hard, I think any honest person would hopefully say-and there’s some genuinely frugal peoplebut I think that there’s a range of things that even the really frugal are very much not frugal with. And I think, for me, baseline frugality, 8 out of 10, like very, very frugal, in a sort of respectful way, like I’m happy to spend money on friends or with family, or my twin brother-like he and I go out and we very much like to say “oh I’ll get you next time”-I think when it comes to the interactions and engagements, absolutely not frugal, but like I just said, I’ll buy avocados and Wonder bread and paprika I found in the third shelf behind that was maybe left behind by two former tenants, and won’t question it. So I think it depends, but with other people not at all, I’m happy to splurge on what matters to me, and what matters to me is that connection and those interactions, but with myself, probably could treat myself better. As we’ve seen, with food and other possessions “Jerry”: Pretty frugal. Like I eat in the dining hall a lot, like I feel like I’ll have like a random splurge, but I typically don’t just spend money. I’m pretty frugal. On 3 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
one to ten you asked I’d give myself like an 8. “’Not a Millenial’”: *sight*. Mhm, that’s kind of a tough question to answer. Like in general I think i’m pretty careful with how I spend money but then like every now and then I’ll just, see, I’ll just go on like a binge for two days and I’ll come out of that and I won’t spend a dollar for like two weeks, and then I’ll binge for another two days, so its like I’m not very consistent. Not consistent. I like I think I’m frugal and then like I, yeah, I get carried away, and I come back to it eventually. What are the characteristics of a millenial? “Music Taste”: Disappointment... *laughs* Political frustration? “Gameboy”: ah that’s such an awful question*laughs* I think for me-and millennial, were determining the timeline of millennial as...? -Whatever you want it to be, like “NOT A MILLENIAL” is technically a Gen-Z, he claims he was born in 98’ “Gameboy”: oh and I am too, I think that’s still millennial. Millennial is pre-2000. I love [Mr. Dory’s attitude] but no, you aren’t, Mr. Dory. No, he and I had this conversation, we’re pre-and this is why we had this conversation, you seemed to have interviewed him and he was like ”I think we’re Gen-Z”-but I’m almost positive that’s not true because we were not born post-2000. But for me, SpongeBob, like the first thing I think of is SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron, I think of frozen Gogurts, I think of, oh wow this is really good, i think of G2, like the watery Gatorade that did not stick and now there’s Gzero, which is literally G2 but marketed better, and I think of Manhunt in the summers, I think of pickle and wiffle ball, I think of instagram when it 3 3 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
still looked like a camera, and when snapchat wasn’t dudes doing half-face shots looking away from the camera, but full frontal faces that were actual poses and now i see so many of you guys doing half the face and they’re not looking anywhere, but I think a lot of it is pop-cultural, like Dragon Ball Z late at night, playing Mario Kart Double Dash and Smash Bros until ungodly hours. And Pokemon, pokemon before it was marketed and traded but it was comics and I would burn my entire allowance on cards with like, cheeto dust-covered fingers that now are worth thousands of dollars. Devastating. “Jerry”: Millennial is someone I think who from their early childhood into early teenage-hood didn’t have mainstream technology. Like iPhones came out, smartphones came out like once they reached adolescence, but their pre-adolescence period was like pre-that sort of technology. So you didn’t have… so millennials are sort of the last sort of age group where you wouldn’t have a kid hanging out on an iPad for an afternoon. “’Not a Millenial’”: Millennial feels like the next wave, you know boomers feel like they capture a pretty big generational range but millennials it feels like there might be some other generations in between there, but I feel like millennials feel like they’re always on the cusp of something, right like, oh who’s going to save climate change? Millennials. Who’s going to, you know, build another starbucks on the corner? Millennials. Who’s driving up the price of avocados? Millennials. I guess one day we’ll be the boomers, and that’ll, that’ll suck. What type of milk do you put in your coffee? do you drink coffee? “Music Taste”: I do drink mostly decaf coffee, because decaf actually still has some caffeine in it, but when I’m 3 4 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
extremely run down, I need full coffee. And if the coffee is good, no milk at all. Black coffee, no sugar ever. If it’s good coffee. So the coffee in the dining hall gets cream-or whole milk because, ya know “Gameboy”: I drink coffee every day and I put no milk in it, straight black coffee No milk? At all? Even Irwin coffee? “Gameboy”: No milk. None. Which my brother would call hamburger water, Irwin coffee, I would maybe call hamburger water, but thats what my brother would call it? “Jerry”: I drink coffee with whole milk. “’Not a Millenial’”: Whole. 100%. My parents are raised in Iowa so… I’m a whole boy. If someone gave you $100,000 to quit your job what’s the first thing you would do? (get another job) “Music Taste”: Like f*** off to another country, i don’t know. Can I say that? “Gameboy”: For 100,000 dollars, no I wouldn’t quit my job.
What if you were forced to and they said you had to spend the money
“Gameboy”: ohhhh [5 second sigh] the mature answer is I’d split it with my brother and give the rest to my mom and dad, just to pay them back for putting me through school and supporting me-which is sort of a mature answer-for both of our undergrads I think I would pay them back… The fun answer is, oh I’d buy a bunch of stupid stuff, I’d buy… oh man, a nod to my millennial self, I’d buy ridiculously niche memorabilia from some of the shows I grew up loving. I know that I would buy some really cringy Naruto poster signed by 3 5 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
all the voice actors I grew up loving when I was ten. I would buy original panels from Jimmy Neutron with Hugh Neutron, the dad. Oh man I’d love a Hugh Neutron panel of him with his duck collection! Or Carl Wheezer in the croissant panel, that would be really funny. So, all this stuff is meme-ified now but part of that in all of its glory gets to the core of humoris tied so deeply to pop culture that it’s become its own language, and so for you to be able to say a word and have everyone in the room laugh, like today everyone is talking about Susrep or there’s stupid AmongUs jokes. It’s a really awesome way as an english teacher that I see how being a millennial, I’m not fluent in the language, but being able to understand that one word, five words, or a reference serves as a spider web network of jokes that are all tied together, is awesome. It connects people, I think it brings you people together, I think it bridges the generational gaps, whether it’s Pantone yellow or millennial pink, so i think that’s the answer to your question, but I would buy a bunch of stupid s*** “Jerry”: I’d go on…um…probably go on a multi-week bike trip somewhere in europe... Well I mean the first thing I would do would be to see if I could not quit my job and also keep the money, which goes to question number one about frugality, but if I had to quit my job and I also have to spend the money, I’d go on a multi week bike trip in europe. Kid in the background: No no no you’re chilling because you’re already leaving here just quit this job and go to your new job in New york “Jerry”: You got em there, you got me there. “’Not a Millenial’”: 100,000 dollars doesn’t seem like that much anymore. Let’s see, 100,000 dollars to quit my job right now… Dang Calli these are tough questions, hard hitting. I feel like there’s a lot tied into this… the first thing I would do is I would go on a nice vacation with my friends. Second thing I would do, I would buy a nice bike. The third 3 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || M AY 2022
thing I would do is think of the best way to invest it. Do you have tiktok?(Gameboy” only) No. That’s the one thing-my brother got tiktok, graduated from college 2020, tiktok is on the rise, and he was like “hey you should get this app” but I already have time limits on my phone and I had them in college too, because it was such a time suck, and I would just get sent tiktok videosand this is for all the people out there who don’t have it either-and you get the text formatting in iMessage that takes you to Safari, and it opens up there, and now it’s more pride than anything. It’s more pride than anything to say I’ve never had tiktok, but no, I, no. But everyone has one[app] that’s the worst, YouTube for me is the worst
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