Spilled Milk Vol. 5 - FDA Approved!

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MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

CONTENTS

5

THE BOARD

Spilled Milk for human president. Very real. Not alien.

6

SURVEYS

3 words: Out. of. Pocket.

18

ARTICLES

“Grammar is optional”

30

WHISPERS

Best place to find yearbook quotes

34

INTERVIEWS

Please pay attention to me

40

????????

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Even better 3 words: Lit. Crazy. Movie

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THE BOARD Best Dude/ Editor in Chief / That Girl at Smeeting: Calli Colvin ‘22 Dude 2/ Interviews / Kate Morey’s Sister : Devan Morey ‘22 Dude 3/ Surveys / Hula- Hoop Champ: Yendi Foo ‘22 Dude 4/ Monthly Whispers / Oldest Daughter: Vivian Teeley ‘24 Dude 5/ Articles / Only Physically Broken: Maddy Laws ‘23 Dude 6/ ?????? / Day Student Who?? : Tiffany Wen ‘23 Dude 7/ ?????? / Unironically Lactose Intolerant: Emily Hammond ‘23 Dude 8/ Caption This! /Always 1 minute late to class: Ollie Chui ‘23 Dude 9/ Assistant? (Who knows) / Gets Coffee: Brinly Teeple ‘24 Honorary Dudes/ Graphics / Paint Paint Paint: Lauren Liu ‘24, Michelle Zhang ‘25 Dude [in charge]/ Take us to our leader: Ms. Kim McMenamin

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SURVEYS 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

Survey Questions and Answers SM Writers October 2020 DISCLAIMER: We did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each.

The winner for the “Best Answer” contest will have the submitter’s name on it and written in BIG PINK LETTERS.

Question One: Finish this sentence: I dont know about you, but I’m feeling: 22 (8) very much intimidated by the amount of work i have 22! JK im tired.

Like the stars at night and big and bright That 50% of marriages end in divorce a bit jittery with you and the sophmores today Like a burnt chicken nugget Like not finishing the sentence a Boston Android Party, where we dump android phones instead of tea. like breaking into Starbucks and stealing all the coffee

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iffy at best like i’m about to cause physical harm to loud freshman in bunn sexy like I’m about to finally make progress on petting the campus squirrels a little gay, a little ticklish, a little sad.

2 sexy for my shirt stupid good [REDACTED] fire (ò_óˇ) Like I wanna drop out of school and move to florida

Question Two: Explain yourself. my friends call me mommy. absolutely not no u.

Uh, when I spoke the sentence aloud, the word I settled on was tired. Maybe it’s just a super common Lawrenceville feeling, idk. there is stone by my toe and it hurts id rather not, but Irwin is out of pineapple.

Is this a DC? Why should I? *starts poorly beatboxing* NO THIS IS FREE WILL 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

Coffee grape ice cream Android users shouldn’t recreate. too yass for my own good Make me what is there to explain? I’m a totally normal Lawrenceville student, who got into the school under totally normal circumstances, and I am totally supposed to be here.

Everything is normal! you first…

No, I don’t think I will.

Question Three: Best part of campus the freshman woods mem basement. i live there with Mr. Atlee.

St*nley.

Covid Isolation unit secret tunnel The shed behind the track The dean’s office The bottom of the pond The Pop bathrooms that don’t lock DMac’s office 9 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

The ditch in the flagpole green. I have stepped into more than once. Need to get that [jazzy fun stuff] fixed.

Golf course the dusty garage under the football bleachers the back alleys of the field house Outdoor harkness table The admissions snack bowl the bottom of a Raymond laundry hamper The KAC bathrooms Porta potties by the soccer fields

Question Four: Why did the milkman cross the road? to hit up the milk woman (13) Option 4 (8) Because Santi asked politely two years ago (4) I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you (2) can we as a society stop questioning the decisions of those whose lives do not concern us?

He didn’t because who tf uses milkmen anymore??

I’d tell you but then I’d have to milk you The milkman and the chicken were conjoined twins. to ask you about your cars extended warranty to get away from these freshmen in bunn To get to me ;) To run away from the snail 1 0 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

Question Five: Should I tell my parents I’m adopted?

Yes, but tell them through interpretive dance.

Ye nah nah ye ye nah nah ye ye nah nah ye ye nah nah ye ye nah nah ye I’m not looking for a long term relationship, thank you very much. no it will be too hard for them Yes. You don’t want to be like them anyway. wait a minute...

Of course, greatest day of my life No... it’s too much of a shock, on the other hand they deserve to know...

Ofc! It depends. If your dog’s adopted too, than it shouldn’t be a shock to them. If dog isn’t adopted, then I would hold off.

Only if you are Stuart little yea they deserve to know No you would break their hearts not until they’re older yes but do it as a flash mob in a home depot nah. wait till they’re older, they’ll understand why you waited don’t, what they don’t know can’t hurt them only if you’re a ginger No, they might cry Only if they’ve come out of the closet.

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Question Six: Normalize being _____________ unironically a fan of the kidz bop kids in grilling club.

[NAME] 6 foot as a girl and calling out all the guys who say they’re 6’1 Addicted to the Irwin gluten free cookies. Especially if you’re not gluten free. racy and brazen A little lad A procrastinator at lville A bathroom stall A petite man who was raised by a single mother. He had a great relationship with his mom and she supported him so much in the arts of singing and dancing. She supported him so much that whenever he wanted something sweet but still healthy he had to sing and dance for it.

Now he’s grown up and he’s still short but he’s older. Mumsie has died but he is making her proud by being on the tv and living life large. He still pays tribute to her every time he eats something sweet but healthy but singing and dancing his special song. (a little lad who loves berries and cream) unnecessarily rude once in a while. ugly. allowed to rip off the heads of loud a** freshman in bunn library four days before finals. no ordinary girl, from the deep blue underworld.

Adopted better than everyone else An athlete that has never run more than a mile

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Sexy Afraid of squirrel (Singular)

Question Seven: Finish the prompt: Dear Headmaster Murray, ________ I would love to touch your mustache. here’s a few things u need to know if u wanna be my one and only Forgive me, for I have sinned Does all of the hair on your body look like your mustache?

Your title is actually Head of School. Stop plunging our school into a bygone era.

I love your mustache, and I believe the vast majority of the student body would agree with me.

Due to this unalienable fact, combined with the fact that we have no mascot, lead to my proposal to because the Big Red Mustaches, which is also a reference to the Irish heritage someone seems to be able to find someone in their bloodstream No more saturday classes please I sincerely apologize for riding your bike around campus. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but didn’t end well, like your bike in a tree. Please forgive me. Fondly, anonymous Im liking the stache man we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Do you really want me to answer this one? 😏 on behalf of the squirrels, I would like to say... god oh god please don’t tell mr Murray that I’m not supposed to be here Please let me twirl your moustache Can I braid your mustache what’s good homie day students deserve rights. In this essay I will…

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Question Eight: The new schedule reminds me of __________ Some variation of the word torture (28) The olden days when I had to walk to school up hill both ways through locust swarms Hell’s kitchen without the kitchen The old schedule it’s the exact same. It’s not new. They did the same s**t then we’re oOoOo it’s so NeW Nothing. I’ve never experienced anything this bad. Please bring back my consults I’ll do anything.

The Office but the scene where there was a fire and just add more fire The number of licks to the center of a tootsie pop why I should’ve went to public school a 2 day harry potter marathon, but not consecutive Dmac’s ever-present love The reasons I wasn’t going to apply to lawrenceville

Question Nine: Complete the sentence: Breaking news! This just in: Florida Man ___________ Does nothing remarkable whatsoever did what only Florida man can Makes burgers in the Abbott omelet bar.

Moves to Idaho, wreaks havoc on potatoes, sources tell ESPN Marries Florida Woman proves the earth is flat Gets chomped by an alligator but then survived and rode off on a flamingo Found on the lawrenceville golf course after check in

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sits on telephone wires with birds adopted his mom.

Tears his ACL playing on the Woodhull house football team

WINNING ANSWER: wonders why he went to boarding school in New Jersey - Roddy Atwood ‘22 moves in with wild porcupine Runs lawrenceville Caught historic amounts of catfish by the shore

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Caption This!

WINNING CAPTION

““Lawrenceville believes that students value and grow with feedback.

This email serves to let you know that _____ has written this comment for you to consider and then discuss with your advisor:”” - Lauren Kim ‘22 1 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

“People in stats asking me to answer their survey.”

“WARNING: Bee swarm in front of Chapel, please remain away from yellow tape until situation is under control” “My most recent math test.”

“Masks are still mandatory in common rooms” “COVID TESTS ARE DUE TO THE SQUASH COURTS BY 3 PM” “My college counselor emailing me for the 100th time” “Red, school-distributed organizer/calendar.”

“LVILLE ALERT: report to the KAC immediately” “Your signout time has passed, please sign back in”

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ARTICLES 1 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

What doesLawrencevill e reall y do with our Covid Tests?

Lily Hager ‘24

We all make our ways to the squash courts once a week to drop off covid tests to avoid detention and, well, covid. During lunch period, right before class, we all congregate near the field house voluntarily spitting into a little tube and shipping it off to who knows where.

The transaction between dropping off a test and getting a new one is relatively quick, but do you ever stop to think about what vital information you are giving away so easily? Your DNA which unlocks your whole genetic makeup is being taken by the school and we don’t really know what they are doing with it. We can assume that they are just testing it for covid, but that’s no fun.

What I propose is that Lawrenceville is taking our DNA and preserving it. Why would they ever do this, one might ask? Well, as we know, Lawrenceville is very extra in some ways-- The homework loads? extra.

The dress code? Very extra. Literally anything that Lawrenceville ever does? Extremely extra. So why would we not assume they would be extra for say… our 10, 20, 30-year reunions?

My thought is that Lawrenceville is saving all our DNA they get from 1 9 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

our covid tests and planning to use it to make clones of us, at this age to interact with at our reunions. Wouldn’t it just be swell to look back on our high school years not just through reminiscing on memories with our now grown-up peers, but get to interact with our younger selves?

Knowing how smart people are here, they’ve definitely got an insider student working on the technology as we speak.

My simple argument that proves the probability of this really happening is just that Lawrenceville just would. So, keep an eye out, reflect on yourselves, because in say 30 years, you may meet the current version of yourself again!

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The Lvil leSorting Hat Vivian Teeley ‘24 Late august, all rising sophomores and incoming juniors received their crescent or circle house. Of course if asked about the process, most faculty will say it’s determined by the Sorting Hat. But this may confuse people who have not read or seen Harry Potter. Which is why I’m here to explain this sorting method as well as offer some alternative theories!

In Harry Potter, all new students sit with the Sorting Hat on their head in order to determine which house they belong to based on the traits the Hat sees in their mind. This method requires a deep understanding of a student’s character, an understanding that is difficult to achieve when judging 180 freshmen in addition to incoming students who have not interacted with many of the faculty. Now that I have explained the flaws of the Sorting Hat method may i propose some alternatives:

1. THE DRAFT PICK Some may find this method of sorting “insulting” but it’s worth exploring. A theory has emerged that the House Olympics and Chiver Cup have another purpose, other than just building house pride and friendly competition. Whichever House is awarded a cup gets the first choice of the freshmen. This would explain why houses have come to have certain stereotypes that seem to prevail over the years (e.g. Stanley is the athletic house, Kennedy is for lacrosse kids), as heads of houses would be able to choose their students.

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2. ELVES (UNDER MEM HALL OF COURSE): Now I know you are probably thinking to yourself, “how could you possibly reach this conclusion?” Let me tell you, as a child of an English teacher who has lived on campus for eight years, of all the time I’ve spent in Mem Hall, I have never been in the basement. Seems a little suspicious? I thought so too, which is how I decided this is a reasonable explanation. I have never met anyone who has admitted to being under Mem Hall, making it a rational decision for the school to hide their freshmen surveillance system, the elves. Small, unnoticeable, and living in the least visited part of school. Just think about it, freshmen are typically confined to the bowl, making it easy for them to be observed discreetly and the elves could then report to the admissions office at the end of the term.

3. PROFFESSIONAL. PROFILERS. You ever wonder why and how some friend groups are perfectly sorted and some are broken up? Theory number three would have freshmen head of houses send in a list of known friend groups and have an undercover personality profiler spend a week or two at the end of the school year secretly watching and interacting with freshmen. I ended up in a house with several of the people I consistently ate meals with and a few people I hadn’t met but who’s personalities were perfectly compatible with mine, making me a little bit suspicious of who could judge a person so acutely. This theory could also draw in the admissions team’s role as judges of personality.

I hope you have enjoyed entertaining these theories and can recognize that we at Spilled Milk don’t actually know what happens when the Sorting Hat gets pulled out for sorting, but do know that if I don’t show up for class one day, the elves have found me and they are not happy...

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When is it Socially l Acceptable to Play Christmas Music?

Maddy Laws ‘23

Christmas music. Although it’s meant to bring cheer, the time of year at which it is played can often be a controversial topic. Some say it’s only fair to play it after Thanksgiving, some begin playing it right after Halloween, some wait until December, and some play it all year round.

Now, after dutiful observation, I have come to the recognition that it is not only one of these times which is acceptable, but it is all of them, and who you are decides when it is acceptable to play christmas music.

If you’re playing Christmas music after Thanksgiving (and I mean like right after like you’re blasting on speakers in the car during black Friday), then you’re typically an average human. Obviously, everyone can acceptably play christmas music within these time bounds, but there are specific groups which adhere to this category more often. People who play music at this time have enough sanity to wait until after another major holiday but are too excitable to go even a day without having a new holiday to look forward to. Typically, these are freshmen, only because they are the only people in this school with even a thread of patience and normalcy left since they’ve only been here for three months. The other people who can acceptably do this are the people involved in the arts. These people are self-respecting enough not to ruin the holiday by playing Christmas music in like, sixty degree weather (unless you’re in the tropics but even then, a palm tree is NOT a christmas tree). But, typically, artsy people are too wrapped up in making painted hand turkeys in November to worry about Christmas until afterwards.

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People who strictly play Christmas music during December are hardcore rule followers. I’m talking about the people who won’t jaywalk, make their bed every morning, have never littered, and never sneezed into any place besides their elbow. If you’re not playing Christmas music until December, you are the stickler of sticklers. It’s not personal, it’s just the truth.

If you play Christmas music year round, no matter who you are, this is decently unacceptable. The whole prospect of playing Christmas music that early before the holiday just ruins the spirit of the holiday. It’s disrespectful if you ask me. Typically, it’s going to be hopeless romantics and people who have gone through messy breakups (or took a calc test they seem to have the same effect). Either you’re so caught up in a fantasy romance you can’t think logically enough to come up with LITERALLY ANY OTHER SONG to play or you’re so heartbroken that you could care less what song is on the radio. Senior spring is another key time this practice is misused. After the college acceptance ecstasy hits the seniors, they’re in such a euphoria you can’t control what they do, leading to this misuse of christmas cheer.

If you play Christmas music after Halloween, people may call you crazy, and they’re probably right, but hey, you’re not alone. People who play music during this period of time are likely juniors or seniors with very little left to look forward to. Seniors, with hours and hours of writing college apps, have completely given up on filtering whatever music comes in through the radio. Christmas is the one day that these students can guarantee will be deadline free. Juniors?... Life is hard, okay? AP prep, standardized testing prep, 500 level classes, responsibility, it’s a lot to deal with. The only thing we keep working for is winter break. Three weeks of no class bliss. It’s all about distraction in the days leading up, and I can tell you, most juniors revel in the fantasy of early christmas as they grind through their major assessments.

As you can see, there are so many different reasons people make the choices they do in their timing of christmas music. However, it’s important we do not judge others for their decisions; don’t lose sight of the spirit of the holiday in this spirited argument :)

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The Person Under the Mask Vivian Teeley ‘24

Over covid we relied more on expressing ourselves through fashion, eyes, and other visible ways. I feel like that’s a line I read in another magazine I can’t remember so credit to them so I dont get sued. Basically, most of us can admit to judging someone based off their mask so here is a summary of a few of the most frequent observations: The under-the-nose mask- ATTENTION! THIS IS NOT THE PROPER WAY TO WEAR A MASK!!!

A wise science teacher once told me “It’s always the guys with the mask down,” and I must agree. Going even further, I would like to propose that it’s generally the students living in the circle who may wear helmets to their sports practices that are the most frequent offenders. They probably didn’t buy any cloth masks in March 2020 because it was supposed to be over in three weeks or so, and they never checked the news to confirm. Guess what, it’s winter 2021 and I panicked when I realized covid has been a thing for almost two years :) The colorful surgical mask- If you know someone who wears colorful surgical masks, they are or want to be indie. I’m very blunt on principle and this just happens to be a trend I’ve seen. No further comment and I may have to make this article anonymous before I get hit by a pair of painted af1s The neck gaiter- Everyone knows someone who only wears a neck gaiter or doesn’t mask at all, although I know some people prefer the cachecou(French-English, Google Translate 2021). Wow, now I really do need to make this article anonymous. This for all the athletes and those dads who want to make bank robbery jokes while also avoiding getting kicked out of Home Depot for not having a face covering.

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Louis Vuitton Masks-. You’re probably from Jersey(Joy-zee).

Lawrenceville issued masks- We talked about LV masks so now it’s time for Lville masks,before I start a short disclaimer: Last year this was me.

Okay, are we done with that? Anyways, if you know someone who only wears a Lawrenceville mask, chances are they do not have any more reusable masks or they haven’t done laundry in quite a while because when they went to the Jigger to buy another mask, they forgot to get quarters for the washing machines.

The homemade masks- This person or someone close to them went through a sewing stage during the first lockdown and they couldn’t pay off their fabric store debts by selling masks on Etsy so the masks were pushed onto children who “couldn’t appreciate the discount they were getting”. Very cute though, very sustainable.

N-95- This person is still worried about covid, or they were really worried during the first lockdown and the masks they hoarded back in 2020 are still being used. This person is very safe or they just liked the feeling of an N-95 and couldn’t trade it for a surgical mask. They definitely hoarded toilet paper, have a stash of emergency water and food, and wear disposable gloves at the supermarket.

Double/Triple Mask-Yes, I’m sure you feel really protected, and I have also read the CDC articles on why double masking is potentially better.

However, this is not an article about masking methods, rather about the people under the masks. You honestly think you’re better than the rest of us because you’re more protected, and well, maybe you are but that’s a question for another time. If you are like some of the double maskers I know, you actually just switch which mask is on top so you’re wearing the same two masks two days in a row, or even better, you only switch the bottom one. Smarty pants. Definitely valedictorian.

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A Call to Short , Fuzzy arms An Autobiography of a Squirel Maddy Laws ‘23 I’ve gotten used to the feeling by now. The hushed voices, the looks of fear and disgust, sometimes the small shrieks of fear or horror. It was hard at first, but I adapted. It’s not like I had a choice. Better to embrace it than change to fit into modern society. It’s not easy being a bandit like me, to have everyone being jealous of my cute little chubby cheeks and fuzzy tail. But that doesn’t mean I deserve the cruel treatment I receive daily, ostracized from common society.

Everyday I live the life of a criminal. Hiding, stealing, and running away from angry humans, most often the “students”. But I refuse to hide away, for this is my world too for the taking. I have dreams as well. For a while I wanted to become an engineer actually, before I learned the nutcracker already existed (I kinda wanna sue them for stealing my idea, I should have patented it). But, most of my experience besides hiding in the vents to learn how to use Fusion 360 is my thievery. I’ve read the school rules, I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself, especially after Saturday nights when the students all gather outside with giant plates of food. I love it when they restock my convenience stores afterwards, also known as “trash cans”. I feel bad stealing from them sometimes, but there’s no shortage of food, so why am I hated so much for my actions?

My encounters never cease to haunt me. The students are big, and scary. I’ll hear the hushed sound of footsteps and still, quaking at my hiding place, hoping they wouldn’t discover me. But, every once in a while 2 7 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

they try to scare me, and frightening as it might be. But the fear, that’s what makes me feel alive inside. The danger. The sense of living on the edge.

And obviously, the opposite. I love to scare them. Sometimes I’ll hide and I’ll sneak up from behind them, like I’m about to get them, and they’ll jump.

It might be cruel but when they jump, but oh how I laugh.

These students have messed with me for too long. It’s time for them to suffer. By myself, I’ve implemented a three step plan: 1. pelting acorns down from trees. Some of the girls get annoyed that the acorns mess up their hair, but if you ask me, they all need haircuts anyway (why is it so long???). It’s not even an even coat, that’s so impractical.

2. Jump scares. Just last week I was hiding in a bush, and scared a few students walking home. One of them spilled their starbucks. Oh how I laughed, and oh how I licked the remnants of their sugary drink off the ground.

3. Chewing. Through everything. through their bags, I ate one last week, it was Patigonia’s or someone’s. They ALWAYS have food, so it’s like an amazing deal. Free food and free revenge. Plus, I mean I’m starving here. I only eat four meals a day and three servings of acorns. I’m trying my best just to survive, and they give no sympathy to me? I don’t understand how they could be that ruthless and heartless to want me to suffer. Well, if they want me to suffer, I’ll make sure that they suffer tenfold.

I never wanted to end this with violence. I just wanted a life where I could live in a tree, eat garbage whenever I want to, chucking acorns down at the ground whenever I was bored. The school has made that impossible.

They made our lives miserable, and in turn we must reciprocate the same injustices. It is our Duty, to avenge our fallen sisters, brothers and others and build this brighter future where we can eat all the trash we want and eat all the acorns we want and hide in all the bushes we want without people screaming at us.

Anyways, you might be wondering why me, a small little furry animal, might be writing to you right now but it’s for one reason and one reason only. The time has come to rise up against the school. For too long have 2 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

they lived without opposition. It is time to reclaim the world for ours, and live in the luxuries that these students reside in every day. Invade a porch today. Invade a house tomorrow. Poop on the lawns today. Poop in their bathrooms tomorrow. Steal food from their trash cans today. Live in their trash cans tomorrow. It is our time now. We can do this.

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WHISPERS 3 0 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

Monthly Whispers The Lawrenceville Community Whispers are quotes that you, the Lawrenceville students, send us that are funny, weird, or out of context. Studies show that there are about 100 Whispers every day, but not all are sent to us. Here are the best of the ones that were. You’re welcome.

“Can I crack your toes?”

“No that’s kinky” “Oh my god is that a Honda?!”

“My crocs are NOT in sport mode” “There’s a Zac and Cody episode for everything” “It’s somewhere between an omen and an aesthetic” “Wait is that the guy with the flowing hair?”

“How did you get stuck in a tree?”

“To be fair it was a very enticing tree” “You know, this weather would be a lot nicer if I actually owned pants” “You’re disgusting but you’re my disgusting” “It’s not hazing, it’s just miscommunication” “SUCCESS IS TANGIBLE WINNING-waitWAIT” “This is a very comfortable bed”

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“It’s not a fake accent, it’s a lifestyle” “Bad news, no more cookies. Good news, they have nuts!”

“My favorite word to say with a French accent is Burger King” “I cannot take omnicron seriously. It sounds like a frickin transformer” “At least Cleveland is a city, NJ just has [AHHHH] drivers and questionable weather” “I’ll massage the cows myself” “There’s a time and a place for that and it’s not in my snaps at 2 am” “Ms. Findlay’s dog understands me” “Everyone knows that Jeff beeps-himself puts one mind control 5G chip in every moldy cheese plush” “Your speaking rights have been revoked, I’m going to need your vocal chords” “Crutches buddies! The entire campus is broken.”

Before a chem test: “When in doubt, penetration is the answer,” “When I woke up in stats class I thought I was on the farm” “Alexander truly had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.”

*In a very angry tone* “SHES A BRITISH WOMAN” “Im the only person out of my friends that doesn’t have a boyfriend” “Thats real tough” “Lawrenceville is decent soup but there’s a hair in it so its inedible” 3 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

“If they don’t open the doors how am i supposed to trash the place” “You have a very broad definition of daddy” “Hey what’s up you’re like really short” “It’s not tea if everybody knows” “Dead leaves is an aesthetic” “I’m really into boxes” “Imagine you tried to sue the library for falling down the stairs” “French and spanish are basically the same— they all are latin” “OMG so the gulf of mexico is our moon?!?”

“If i get another covid vaccine my 5g will be better anyway so... booster here i come!”

“You know what your spirit animal is? a baby bird who’s wings are just broken and it can’t fly”” “Molars is being sleeping on” “It’s a nice juicy plate of ramen” “If i dont have the yacht im gonna cry” “Do you think you’re compostable?”

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INTERVIEWS

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Barking Up the Wrong Tree ee

An exclusive interview with the Big Red Dog Devan Morey ‘22

I sat down with Lawrenceville’s (mascot? seemingly blatant disregard of copyright law?) to really get inside their head. I wanted to know how they think, how they live. What is it like wearing the collar for this school? What do they do outside the hours they spend taking pictures with prospective students or jeering other teams? While I couldn’t get to all of my questions, I did emerge with a deeper understanding of life as the Big Red Dog. First and foremost: How was Hill day?

You know, I kind of feel like I might have let the greater school community down at the football game against Hill, I’m glad we came out with the dub all in all but you know I feel like I could have been a little more hype, you know, taught those Blazers a lesson, it was a really unfortunate L for us, but I think the Big Red Dog Pound’s going to big, big things this year I’d like to know; what was your role at Hill and how do you think you let yourself down and let the community down?

You know, I know we had that crazy pep rally the night before Hill I think I could have been a little 3 5 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

bit hyper I feel like, you know, the dogs could have been a little bit more active, I think the next game really came out and matched their energy on the bench but at the end of the day we just needed some more positive reinforcement for the players and I just I wasn’t out there. The ram was and I wasn’t.

On another note, I’d like to know who lets the dogs out? Is it you?

Annie Katz.

Annie Katz lets the dogs out.

Annie Katz.

Someone had better keep an eye on her.

What does it smell like inside the Big Red Dog uniform?

Right now? Like cigarettes.

Like cigarettes? Did that come from you or a predecessor?

Um, no comment.

No comment? Would you like me to publish that?

Sure.

Wow, there are so many directions I could go in here… do you think Red is your color?

I think I’m more of an earth tones person, but I’m willing to put aside my fashion sense for the greater community and for the school.

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And what does the Big Red Dog eat on a night before a big game?

Irwin rolls.

Irwin rolls, and specifically Irwin rolls? Like nothing else?

No, like the good Irwin rolls with the butter, like the hot ones have in Abbott, you know what I’m talking about?

So specifically Abbott rolls.

You know what, I revise my original statement, specifically Abbott rolls the Irwin ones are nasty.

Anyways, is there any sort of pregame hype-up, pregame ritual…?

Well, I can’t talk about my pregaming.

Anything you’d like to be published in a school publication?

I’ve memorized all the words to the Hill School is my home and so when I enter their field I start screaming in their faces and it plays on my speaker.

What do you do on the bus ride over, stick your head out the window, I assume?

Yeah, lap at the air a little bit; it’s refreshing.

I just have a couple more questions, I really want to round out this interview… does the Big Red Dog have any 3 7 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2021

celebrity crushes?

Zendaya, or Air Bud specifically when Air Bud was an astronaut.

And who can blame them?

If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be?

“Roll Red”, baby.

We were unable to publish where this tattoo would be.

What is your idea of the perfect date? Long walks on beaches?

Frankly that’s a little stereotypical, and I find that a little bit stereotypical and pretty presumptuous of you quite frankly but you know I’ll let the interview continue.

I apologize, what would your ideal date be? …Long walks on beaches. I like spending quality time with Willow Kosoff.

Are you watching anything right now?

I’m halfway through watching Marley and Me right now and I’m having a great time.

Starbucks, Gingered Peach, or bath house?

Pond water.

Is there a difference in approach when handling a revisit day over, say, a Hill day?

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Well, you know, revisit day’s all about the kids, all about kind of fostering a school community; going Hill’s about taking some ******** [hill students] down Do you support any local publications?

Everyone write for TFA SPILLED MILK , we stan TFA SPILLED MILK, not a toxic work environment, everyone do it. (They mean write for SPILLED MILK)

After hearing this, I could only ask myself one thing: What does-- Squirrel!

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??????????

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Lawrenceville Pickup Lines Calli Colvin ‘22, Maddy Laws ‘23, Elizabeth Duda ‘24 Were you too chicken to make a move on your crush during homecoming and look to rectify that now (or procrastinate it more, your choice)? Well, look no further. Here, we have the best collection of poetic words of true emotion written by your most studious Lawrencians (claims may be false) in order to make sure you lock down your loves before the holiday season, 1000% guarantee! (Disclaimer: I rounded up and im not great at rounding so... good luck?)

The only thing more magical than the tunnels underneath Dawes and Raymond is you.

Are you Fathers Building cause i’d like to Pop on over to your house for parietals.

I would be Ir-winner if you went on a date with me. *To a freshman* you Lower my standards.

Are you the ropes course? Because I wanna climb all over you.

You’re so hot and i’m Tsai-ing to kiss you.

If you reject me al-ra-shed lots of tears.

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Are you new to this school? Bc I fell-(head)ow(ver) over heels for you.

Are you a senior in Lower? Bc you’re prefect to me.

I get as red as a BRF tomato when I see you.

You’re as spicy as the BRF hot sauce.

Are you GCAD? Bc you Gcould be mine ;) You could be Tsai(my) field spouse.

I know it’s technically Perry Ross, but can we change it to marry Ross just for today?

We could be as exclusive as the pods in Irwin.

K A C you later?

I will always re-mem-ber a girl like you.

Is that a new perfume? Bc ur cre-scent smells so good.

My love for you is older than the Circle.

It’s ironic we’re at the Kmsc bc this is going to be a mem-orable experience.

I’ll McC you later tonight.

Please infirm me of your plans for tonight ;) There’s no Haskell I wouldn’t go through for you.

Abbott that you are my soulmate.

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Limited Room capacity 2 ;) Are you a bunn library book bc I’m checking you out.

If our love is electric this technically isn’t an unlit path :) *Spilled milk does not condone breaking of major school rules* Why say noyes to dating me when you could just say yes instead?

I’d rather survey you instead of US History.

I could kir-be your man.

My biggest mc-fear-son is that you’ll reject me uwu.

You’re the bunn for me.

Are you my last English paper? Because I can’t seem to get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

I think we have good (SC441 in the course catalog).

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Rating Alarm e Sounds Luke Pometti ‘25 Default: The cry of the devil, it keeps me awake at night. Waking up to this thing is scarier than jumping off a plane without a parachute.

-8,000/10 By the Seaside: Relaxing, has a nice tune, makes me feel like I’m in the bahamas. Everytime I hear this I want to get up and dance. 10/10 Circuit: Nothing good to say, nothing bad to say. Circuit is kind of just… there. 6/10 Cosmic: I feel like this came straight from an 80’s sci-fi movie. Feels like I’m being beamed up to a UFO. A little bit spooky. 3/10 Hillside: This one feels more like I’m getting a phone call than an alarm.

5/10 Crystals: Epic. If crystals had a sound, this would be it. Probably why they call it Crystals. 9.5/10 Constellation: Top tier. Sounds like an alarm, but not traumatizing like default. This would be a nice way to start each day. 9/10 Beacon: A weird knockoff of default, sounds robotic. 1/10 Bulletin: This sounds like a notification, not an alarm, it would be 4 4 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2 021

impossible to wake up to this. 2/10 Chimes: Sort of relaxing, but a little off-putting. Seems out of tune. But that’s good. 7/10 Illuminate: Breathtaking, relaxing, brilliant, the only thing off about this is it doesn’t sound like an alarm. 8.5/10 Night Owl: This one is perfect. Relaxing, but gets the point across. It’s fast paced tune awes me everytime. Points of for sounding nothing like an Owl. 9.5/10 Playtime: Absolutely epic. This one seems playful, upbeat, but also like an alarm. Legendary. 11/10 Silk: This sounds like part of a romance movie’s soundtrack. Not sure why but it doesn’t fully agree with me. 7.5/10 Slow Rise: I am confused as to what this is. 3/10 Presto: This alarm sounds alarming. Slightly better than default, but not much. -382/10 Summit: The best. 8,938,458,392/10 Twinkle: This sounds like the opening to either a Christmas carol or a car jingle. 6.5/10 Uplift: Fairly uplifting, but not very alarm-like. Extra points for the legendary abrupt ending. 8/10 Waves: Very good, alarm-like, but relaxing. Very easily an s-tier. 9.75/10 Stargaze: Decent. Nothing good, nothing bad. Sounds like sparkles. 7/10 In conclusion: they all give me PSTD to waking up for lab periods so...

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WE HAD AN EXTRA PAGE TO FILL HERE SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION> PRETEND ITS A PONY> OR A KITE> IDK UR A LAWRENTIAN THINK BIG OR WHATEVER THEY SAY milk spilled in action -->

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