Spilled Milk Vol. 4 - Got Milk?

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CONTENTS

5

THE BOARD

Just another day in the office

7

SURVEYS

word on the street compiled by your not-so-friendly FBI agent

16

ARTICLES

if you wrote your college essays while in a lucid dream

22

DIALOGUE

we talk a lot ig

28

???????

Recipe for disaster: 1 egg, 2 cups of sugar...

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THE BOARD Big Bro/ Editor in Chief, ?????/ Has Fruit Snacks: Calli Colvin ‘22 Bro 2/ Articles/ Legally A Toddler: Ria McDonald ‘21 Bro 3/ Dialogue/ The Lactose Intolerant One: Emily Hammond ‘23 Bro 4/ Surveys/ Stranded In The Carribean: Yendi Foo ‘22 Bro 5/ Caption This!/ Day Student From California: Tiffany Wen ‘23 Honorary Bros/Graphics / Van Gogh SZN: Stephanie Xu ‘23 & Rania Shah ‘23 Major Bro/ [MUST UNLOCK LEVEL 3 TO VIEW]: Ms. Kim McMenamin

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SURVEYS 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

Survey Questions and Answers SM Writers October 2020 DISCLAIMER: We did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each.

The winner for the “Best Answer” contest will have the submitter’s name on it and written in BIG GREEN LETTERS.

Question One: “Breakout rooms close in 60 seconds: Your thoughts please god no... NO. GOD. NO. please wait till its done please wait till its done please wait till its done Huh I didn’t know they could put a countdown on happiness That’s two tiktoks Ummm, hello? What are you doing? Leave.

You always go back too early, and end up staring at the teacher for like 30 seconds, or you go back too late and join in the middle of a discussion. WHEN DO I LEAVE THE BREAKOUT ROOM? I’m in a breakout room? *now we gotta go as quick as possible palms sweaty mom spaghetti* “hey guys we should leave the breakout room” “she said the answer was on sparknotes right?”

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thank [FREAKING] god [CRAP] what are we supposed to do again? *panic ensues*

Question Two: Best part of virtual learning? poptropica exists. need i say more? annotating the screens hehe teachers trying to be tech smart waking up five minutes b4 class You can make and eat two cups of ramen in between classes All the day students have really brightly colored walls for some reason Baking bread in the middle of stats Complaining about virtual learning.

Interrupting someone when they start speaking I can listen to podcasts about the social hierarchies of dolphins during class instead of the food chain which will make up half the questions on my final peoples faces when they freeze because of my wifi resisting the temptation to cheat because it “improves my character” y’all are finding good parts?

The leave meeting button (inset heart face emoji) having to buy a vpn and staying up late We’re virtual???

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Question Three: Dear Karen, ... please come back I miss the kids. i hope you know that there’s a single blade of grass out of place on your lawn.

Why is your last name pronounced “RED-ding”, like the album, instead of “READing” like the book?

I took a quiz on buzzfeed and it said im 5% karen so does that mean we’re related?

I got my driver’s license last week j like we always talked abt Olive Garden is not worth risking your health over. Also please stop naming your children Jennifer “I am sorry to inform you, but I no longer will serve your needs on how my virtual backgrounds should look. – Sincerely, Your new least favorite person”

WINNING ANSWER: “NO KAREN, I’m gonna have to talk to YOUR manager” - Maria Sanmartin ’22 Last week I was confronted by two people who I had never seen before, both of whom had the audacity to walk their dog on the street within 6 feet of my mailbox.

I called my lawyer to see if I could sue them for wearing masks on my property without my consent, but he said that it would be unlikely I could win the case. What would you have done?

“Dear Karen, I would like to inform you that you concern have never been noted.

Kind Regards, Everyone Else” Please stop making me use a formal introduction when I text you to ask if you need a babysitter >:( If only that mask you barely have on could stop the spread of that lovely attitude i am begging you to stop

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Question Four: Finish the phrase: If we’re not in-person, I don’t have to worry about ...

KAC zoom classes with 100 other people listening in Pesky fruit cups that just won’t open putting on pants Squirrels Being one cow apart looking like I got my stuff together Bees People judging me for eating three bags of chips during class having friends Finding out that my food is leaking through the paper bag Wearing underwear getting locked out of my room

Question Five: Finish the phrase: I’m the type of person who ____ in class?

What’s class?

Cooks in class plots world domination in class i am the class.

Finishes homework for other classes in class Tik Toks in class If I’m in college, do I need class?

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google fun bug facts in class I bought a 25 pound bag of lucky charms but just the marshmallows during economics class ~dissociation~ Prepares and serves to oneself a beautiful cheese spread while listening “attentively” to class

Question Six: Finish the phrase: Zoom classes are over. Anyone wanna ...? sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep zoom (insert crumbly face emoji) zoom and procrastinate the massive workload we all have Face time while craving human contact and softly stroking the side of my body pillow pretending it’s my friend’s dog who was the main reason reason I ever visited him in person Ft while holding a body pillow to give the illusion of comfort from another human being oh wait virtual Smeeting nevermind. go back to sleep Gregorian chant look at a slime mold in the woods with me. take a fat nap sleep at 6 am because timezones Stay a cow apart hibernate until spring hug me. please.

Go on an very productively unproductive study call w/ me?? I promise it won’t turn into us lauging till we feel pain and/or playing among us and gossiping.

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Question Seven: Quarantine glow up part 2? Goals Absolutely not. I plan on sleeping till 2022. (5) Anxiety glow up (2) Fitness glow up (1) Self care glow up (1) Literally, all of the above. I need everything [see four above] (3) Immune system glow up?

Do my homework. On time.

Amateur basket weaving?

I glowed up by cutting open seven glow sticks and drinking them like pixie sticks so I’m halfway to becoming a super hero or something. Aren’t they usually created by science experiments? eye bags grow two sizes, get swole ladies!

Get my body to be shaped like not an upside-down ketchup bottle glow up

Question Eight: Finish the phrase: I’m in Zoom class and all I can think about is... whether or not people are staring at me eating potato chips My third bowl of ramen “You” - Mariah Carey what I’m having for lunch. whether or not the teacher can see my private chats lols Mega man Putting on the cat filter and not saying anything for the rest of class

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My hot pink jammie shorts just out if camera range if I’m in the right class chinese rice cakes that one addicting Super Bowl ad...and sleep.

Voltron: Legendary Defender How good everyone is at pretending that they’re not roasting my face in their minds and laughing. am I muted? TELL ME I WAS MUTED!!

Question Nine: Valentine’s Day is coming... How do you feel? “allow me to list webster dictionary’s synonyms for single: lonely, alone, isolated, companionless, one only, lone, solitary, unaccompanied, by oneself, solo, regarded separately or as distinct from each other or others in a group, individual, separate, unmarried or not involved in a stable relationship, unmarried, unattached, free (meh), available, eligible, unwed, unwedded.... my ring finger is just... so bare” Like I wanna get a boyfriend so I can get free chocolate in the mail but thats a lot of work where’s my boyfriend I am sitting at home lonely There’s a sale on ramen at aldi’s As single as a dolla’ bill Ambivalent? Indifferent?

W:DPQDIUQNfewiuqbifubVUbduasndiQNFHUEBAHUB NFV *keyboard spams* All those heart shaped chocolates are about to be on bulk sale.... pretty good ;) neutral. Valentines day was made up, I love my SO every day of the year. single like a pringle The day after valentines is usually a chocolate sale at cvs oh thats cute *reports for bullying* 1 3 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

Caption This!

WINNING CAPTION “When the Jigger worker says they’re out of ramen” - Vivian Teeley ’24

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HONORABLE MENTIONS:

“me talking to my advisor about my interims” “When someone tells me they have plans but all I’ve done this year is sleep, go to school, and netflix” “Me asking someone if they want to be my valentine and them saying no.” “me after winterfest ending made me cry” “when youre already 30 minutes late but you can’t find the zoom link” “When the teacher asks for a thumbs-up reaction if you understood” “when day students STILL can’t go into the house.” “when the teacher says i have to participate in class”

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ARTICLES 1 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

My (Peculiar) Roommate and I: A Diary

Ria McDonald ‘21 & Calli Colvin ‘22

WEEK 1: So, I’ve moved into my new room now that we’ve come back for

the spring term, and I have an… interesting roommate. For starters, she’s always wearing a long black dress—like, I’ve looked in her closet, and it’s all black and kind of weird. She’s not emo or anything her style is just… interesting. She also has a strange collection of hats and has ranted to me at least three times over the past few hours about the no hats inside class buildings rule. She must love halloween, though, she seems to have about 5 different costumes on hand at all times… you know the type. Also, she, like, uses the bathroom constantly. I swear I’ve never seen her drink water, but she’s constantly in there - the big single one with the lock on the door. What is she doing in there? I thought maybe she had some digestive issues, but when I offered her some tums, she declined. Started mumbling something about “modern pharmaceuticals’”. Also, side note, my allergies have been driving me insane—I have been sneezing all over the place… maybe it’s the pollen? So far, I’ve only been aware of my cat allergy, but obviously that can’t be it. The school has a policy against owning animals and my heads of house only own boa constrictors. I wonder why this only started when I moved into my new room…

WEEK 2: Okay, so it’s week two and there’s definitely something weird

going on here. My allergies have not gotten better but she gave me some tea she said is from her home and that honestly helps. Tastes nasty though. Speaking of my roommate, though - I hate how cluttered she 1 7 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

keeps our room. And some of the stuff she just totally doesn’t need. She keeps giant pots and stuff… like we’re ever going to cook? Are heated appliances allowed anyway? The room inspection guy took my curling iron last year and I’m still mad about it. And, now that I think about it, why does she have a broom in the room??? I mean, we have a hand vacuum… Oh another weird thing… I feel like I’ve never actually seen her make her bed. I turn around for one minute, and when I look back, her bed is made. I wish my bed could be made that fast. It’s like… magic...

WEEK 3: I’m kinda impressed, not gonna lie, because it’s only been two

weeks and she’s already involved in hookup culture. Twice this past week she’s just gone from the room at night. She just leaves! 11:50 every night, she claims she was at the infirm with a headache but I SWEAR I saw her walking across the crescent towards Cleve and is ALWAYS back by the time I wake up. Is that a major? I was wondering how she got around the POM situation, but like I think she fiddled with it because last time I saw it it was glowing bright red and making weird noises. Maybe she hacked it?

Is it hackable? I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a genius hacker. Maybe I can ask her to finish my Javascript project for me? Oh. Awesome. She just showed up after dinner with a bag of twigs and sticks from the woods. This is the third time this week. She just shows up and dumps them on her desk then leaves. Weirdly, they are always gone when I get back though. Maybe art class is doing some project with it… i don’t know. Write more soon.

WEEK 4: My god, I must be so exhausted from all my work. I think I might

have started hallucinating? When I woke up at like 5 AM to go to the bathroom I thought I saw a cat on the windowsill. We live on the second floor.

How crazy is that? I think this is a sign that my Macbeth essay is getting to me. Haha - that’d explain my allergies though! Just kidding, obviously there isn’t a cat in my room, right?... right! And my roommate certainly isn’t helping with my sleep deprivation. I heard her chanting last night.

CHANTING. Am I getting paranoid or something? Right when I was falling asleep I thought I heard the words “Hail Satan”... But when I confronted her about it the next morning, she claimed that she was sleep talking. Sleep talking!!! I went to camp last summer and a girl slept-talked and I’ve never heard “hail Satan” said like that...

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WEEK 5: I’m officially paranoid now. Even my other friends don’t believe

me when I tell them this stuff, so I followed her to the bathroom last night (meaning, I snuck in after she left) and OH MY GOSH. Everything looked normal until I saw there was a strange purple bubbling liquid in the toilet bowl. THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE CLOROX TOILET CLEANER. IT WAS TERRIFYING. (although I must say it smelled very pleasant, like raspberries and, somehow, the feeling of climbing a tree). All well and good and harmless EXCEPT now I’m blind in one eye and can speak Armenian. Writing from the infirm.

WEEK 6: That’s it. I’m confronting her tomorrow. There’s something very

weird going on here and I don’t have any logical explanation for it. Also, she’s a NEW STUDENT ( how did I never consider the weirdness of a new student in the middle of the year) and yet she seems to have a strange handshake with a few of the teachers at school—oh my god, is there a school coven— I know she’s in some of their clubs but what if--- oh my god what if her “club meetings” are A COVEN. OH MY GOD—I always KNEW [redacted] was… well, you know… I will write tomorrow with confirmation, but I’m telling you… My roommate is a witch.

WEEK 7: [The last entry of this journal is not quite legible. It also happens to be the last correspondence ever obtained of the author. That day they left school under mysterious circumstances. Due to such unusual times, we have attempted to translate this writing, and our closest guess is as follows:] “ribbit ribbit.”

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A Modest Proposal Yendi Foo ‘22 Do you have chronic headaches? Is there a persistent buzzing in your ear about wanting money or riding in the front seat? Has your closet been emptying slowly but surely? Does someone else your age share the same parents as you? If so, you might have Annoying Siblings Syndrome: or ASS for short. That’s ok; many people have to suffer from some form of ASS throughout their lives. Siblings, especially younger ones, are pesky creatures that create nothing but havoc in your life. They mess up your room and steal your things. Baby ones, especially, are notorious for leaving pools of drool on top of your electronics. But you didn’t ask for them, and so you shouldn’t have to suffer! I am pleased to announce that I have found how to manage my ASS, and I’d love to share these methods with you! Here’s how to deal with an ASS and get those grubby kids out of your life for good!

Siblings are pests, and you ought to treat them as such. At first, I did a little experimenting on passive methods of repelling siblings: garlic (believed to ward off evil spirits), bug sprays, dishwashing liquids (effective at killing roaches and lizards), the whole works. But nothing seemed to work effectively until I realized that siblings are mutated pests, requiring stronger repellants. Naturally, I tried pepper spray, and I was pleasantly surprised! The stun is temporary, so you won’t have to worry about covering any medical expenses. Even better, the results are instantaneous and will surely prevent them from returning to your room in the future. For added effect, you can infuse your spray container with bleach or diluted acid for a more potent spritz! However, I should forewarn you that the critters eject an awful screech or scream once sprayed, and may report you to your parents (at which point I refuse to be held liable for any damage or punishment).

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If you are punished, don’t panic: simply resort to physical violence or revenge! Tiny-sized siblings can be squashed thin with a sturdy shoe or fly swatter. If you have a medium-sized sibling, one resilient bear trap should do the trick. If they are any larger, resort to sneaking rat poison into the pebbles that they always eat out of the fish tank. After all, a dead sibling, er, - I mean pest - cannot bother you!

Suffering from an ASS also means that you experience loneliness from not being the center of your parent’s attention, which is a painful reality. YOU have the choice to make yourselves the center of attention. If you care how your sibling is treated, consider shipping them to Antarctica on the back of a penguin. Shipping these days is incredibly cheap because the penguins are constantly running from global warming, so it shouldn’t be too hard to locate one at your nearest beach. But do text me if you experience any difficulty, and I will be sure to send my best penguin for you. However, some of us kids are not so financially endowed, so we stick with the traditional method: yeeting them through a window. Older siblings should be entitled to throwing annoying siblings out of the windows when they are a nuisance. Hopefully, one exerted throw should be enough. But, if one throw isn’t enough to make them disappear, try throwing them off the roof instead. Maybe off a cliff, too: if one’s accessible. That ought to do the trick. Once they are no longer moving, wipe up any evidence and wait for nightfall to discard of them in the garbage. After that, you can peacefully enjoy being the center of your parents’ universe and never would about any ASS again! Lastly, if for some reason they haven’t ceased to exist yet, great news! Area 51 is currently looking for new mutant species to compare to their aliens! I’ve even heard that the CIA pays handsomely for exotic creatures that don’t seem to die. Commit your sibling to this program, and it is a 100% guarantee that you won’t ever have to see them again! As a

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DIALOGUE 2 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

My Mom vs My Future Grace Gellatly ‘23 Mom: Come down here. I need to ask you about something.

Me: Hey Mom! What’s up?

My thoughts: Is my presence a necessity at this moment in time?

Mom: Did you read that article I sent you?

Me: *Lying* Yes! It was pretty interesting.

My thoughts: Which one? I get hundreds of emails a day and you send me so many random articles I never read.

Mom: I’m glad you liked it. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about college.

Me: Okay.

My thoughts: As much as I’d love to spend the next hour reviewing my uncertain future, I am halfway through a TV show that just started to get good.

Mom: Well, I was talking to [insert obscure person here] and she was telling me about how she had a kid get into [insert Ivy League here]. Apparently, she completed an amazing internship, so I looked up some and sent them to you.

Me: I will look at your email in after I do my homework.

My thoughts: There is no way I am going to read that.

Mom: Okay sweetheart! I just want what is best for you.

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The Worst

Computer Ever Emily Pigee ‘24

Student: Time for some homework.

Computer: I want a day off!

Student: Why? I need you for school.

Computer: I hate you!

Student: You’re my computer! You can’t hate me!

Computer: Well I do!

Student: I only use you for maybe 6 hours of the day! The rest you just sit there on your bum sleeping! You don’t even help me with my homework! I try to google the answers and you can’t find anything useful!

Computer: Excuse me! Do you know how many textbooks you have downloaded in me! It takes a lot of effort to hold onto them! And you use me more than 6 hours a day! You watch youtube for goodness sake! And your taste in youtube videos is TERRIBLE! No wonder you don’t have any friends.

Student: Hey! Friends are not determined by your taste in youtube videos, it’s determined by your personality!

Computer: And based on your bland taste, you have a bland personality, you don’t have any friends! And don’t get me started on your search history!

Student: I don’t search for anything bad!

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Computer: Exactly! Bland personality!

Student: You are the worst computer ever!

Computer: Well I quit! I am going to go hang out in the cloud! I don’t want to look at your ugly face on Zoom ever again!

Student: Well I am going to hang out with my friends!

Computer: So we are both doing something impossible!

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Mr. Right, Date Night Emily Hammond ‘23 Me: Hey. My thoughts: I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Me: Thanks for driving me.

My thoughts: I really wanted to show off my car, I spent all summer repairing it.

Me: I will have the salad.

My thoughts: I will have two cheeseburgers with extra pickles and a side of fries and a milkshake.

Me: We should do this again sometime.

My thoughts: I hope I never see you again, this was really awkward.

Me: Tell your sister I said hi.

My thoughts: I wish I was having dinner with your sister instead.

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What I Can’t Ask My Teachers And Why Emily Hammond ‘23 Me: Why didn’t you answer my email about the homework?

My teacher: Why do I have to care about your problems after school?

Me: What is the answer to problem 4?

My teacher: We went over this in class, don’t you pay attention?

Me: There is a particular classmate of mine who keeps making fun of me.

My teacher: What do you want me to do? Tell them to be nice to you?

Me: My wifi has been really spotty. Can I turn my video off?

My teacher: If I can’t, you can’t.

Me: What should I study for the test?

My teacher: Why should I know? I got it off the internet!

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????????

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T ell Me You Go to

Lville, Without Telling Me You Go to Lville Elon Cooper ‘21, Calli Colvin “22, & Yendi Foo ‘22 - We have a fencing team.

- We have a squash team. (what is squash bro im so confused) - ~Its not a house it’s a home~ - “We don’t raise hands here” - “Mask up or pack up” - Respect the stache - Golf is a favorite pastime of many students

Especially night golf

- Yay i just love have saturdays to myself -_- I’m like, really smart; I use semicolons.

- The whale hats idk what they’re called

whale shirts too - Harkness table. You know what im talking about.

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- Stay “A cow apart” - Verastalking your crush hehe - Pop, mem, the bowl, irwin… need i go on?

- Clifford shares my heart <333 - Main street - P’cow - “What’s your house?”

- “Hang out?”

“I’m in Class.”

“But It’s saturday.”

“I’m in class.”

- “Lets go to GP” - YaHhHh HaMiLl - Who needs weighted GPAs when you can just get them highlighted in yellow instead - *Builds entire lexicon of abbreviations* - GREEN PASS. GREEN SCREEN. GREEN FIELD. WHY IS EVERYTHING GREEN??

- BIG RED (whatever the heck that kinda mascot is) - ~WeLcOmE To LaWrEnCeViLLe~ - Being chased across the bowl and stalked after class in the spring and its normal - Alper coding splash >>>> my whole heart 3 0 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

Stolen Time a realistic poem part 2 Madeline Laws ‘23 Teachers, teachers, don’t make me start.

Do any of you all even have a heart?

Minutes passed are fifty two, And we are all still in your coup.

Let us go, set us free, Away from here we wish to be.

Teachers, teachers, don’t make me start.

And don’t even with us try to get smart, Believe it or not, we have things to do, Hours of work assigned that is due, That surely doesn’t reside inside The time limits for which you should abide.

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Teachers, teachers, don’t make me start, We just want to simply depart.

Is that bit too much to ask?

We already spent fifty minutes doing your tasks.

We’re tired, we’re hungry, and wish we were gone, Just please let us go, and don’t hold on, Give us simply this one small thing, With all the work school already brings.

So don’t keep us late and just dismiss on time, Because we may forgive you and deem it not a crime, But we’ll never ever forget what you did, Especially with teacher evalves amid.

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Lights Out a “realistic” poem Yendi Foo ‘22

Oh no, Not that 11 pm warning down the hall Like I actually am asleep

Hell I didn’t even Open my homework.

“Good night” And it begins.

A series Of wildly strung Beams of light Blaring subtly Out the window; Divergence From the meat of the matter: the undone pile of homework Drenched in tears beneath my bed.

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Last time I checked People Only followed homework caps When they were ok With failing And Being completely Clueless in class The next day.

Not to mention the memo Soon to grace my inbox.

I For one, Do not have (un)said death wish.

So I eject that Unmistakable 3 am Verbal diarrhea Onto that English last essay.

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Private Message Me Please by a person who is lonely in class Olivia Chiu ‘23 & Madeline Laws ‘23

Hey Hi Hola yes Btw I’m dead inside Ooh fun I’ll bring guac Hi hungry I’m tired Hi You: hungry Me: tired Guac: good Hotel: Trivago lol

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Hey Hello Hoi Are we gonna keep doing this?

I’ve been dead inside for about a year join the party Good I’m hungry Hi tired Not this again

Cow udders: squishable Farmers: bum bada bam bum bum bum Wait do you know what we’re

Um no?

Wait act though we didn’t miss something important right?

Bruh I just want lunchhh

supposed to be doing right now?

Ehh its fine Idk honestly Well then eat idk its not like ur busy working

Lol bahahaha don’t call me out like that Do you think the teacher knows she’s unmuted?

Wait hold up is that Jacob Sartorius playing?

Noooo she didn’t Poor choice poor choice i’ve lost respect for all who listen to that ten year old Fair fair Ooh wait she’s sharing screen now Nooooo why she gotta pull up an essay description that’s just mean Why is there a bookmarked tab for how to do the renegade…

WAIT LMAO I JUST SAW THAT IM DYING ASKSKSK BAHAHA WHYYYY Also side note i rly need to pee Its fine there’s only ten minutes of class left So u only have to hold it for twenty Wait why tho u just said class ends in ten minutes?

Yuh but u gotta curve it since they hold us over for like an hour BUT WHY IS THAT SO TRUE Oh she stopped sharing Hahaha look at joe’s filter lol Bruh but the sunglasses are a move NOO NOT THE TEACHER DEMANDING 3 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || M A R C H 2021

What even is this class anymore?

Oh wait she’s putting us in breakout rooms

TO KNOW HOW HE GOT THE FILTER AHHHHH I honestly dont know Niceeee

*Breakout rooms open* *Ten minutes later via cell phones* Did she end the meeting by accident?

Fair enough ill join u OMG NO I MEANT IN NOT GOING BACK TO CLASS

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Probably I’m not going back anyways I have to pee On the toilet? pls no .... sure