Spilled Milk Vol. 3 - Mask Up, Milk Up!

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Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

CONTENTS

5

THE BOARD

All hail Indesign

6

INTERVIEWS

We ask random questions with random answers

16

SURVEYS

Tested positive for swag

22

ARTICLES

If The Lawrence were conspiring against squirrelkind

34

???????

The title explains it pretty well.

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THE BOARD Main Lord/ Editor in Chief, ?????/ Resident Intern: Calli Colvin ‘22 Lord 2/ Articles/ The Once-Ler: Ria McDonald ‘21 Lord 3/ Monthly Whispers/ Circus Liason: Laura French ‘21 Lord 4/ Interviews/ “Fake-Milk” Connoisseur: Emily Hammond ‘23 Lord 5/ Surveys/ The Islander: Yendi Foo ‘22 Lord 6/ Caption This!/ Do not Touch: Tiffany Wen ‘23 Honorary Lord / Graphics/ Bag Secured: Stephanie Xu ‘23 Supreme Lord/ The Sole Survivor: Ms. Kim McMenamin

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INTERVIEWS 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

V3 Board Picks editors: exposed THE SPILLED MILK GODS QUESTION 1: Position on the Board

calli colvin: editor in chief/ ????? section editor aka god ria mcdonald: articles editor, vice god, KGB emily hammond: interviews editor tiffany wen: caption this! editor yendi foo: surveys editor/ calli’s emotional support laura french (frenchy): monthly *whispers* editor

QUESTION 2: What do you do?

calli colvin: learn how to spell charceuteria charcootierie? charchuterie? ria mcdonald: i write emails and correct grammar and give calli stupid 2 am ideas emily hammond: chew bubblegum and kick booty tiffany wen: tell people: “look at this photograph” - nickleback. yendi foo: I answer your questions with more questions - Andrew Forstoflewaffle

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frenchy: just groove w it, mostly

QUESTION 3: Favorite part of the SM board? calli colvin: the 3 am texts from yendi about Murrays mustache ria mcdonald: Diplomatic immunity emily hammond: the chaotic zooms tiffany wen: being an oompa loompa for willy womka yendi foo: Realizing dark humor is the only humor frenchy: access to the official brand SM golf cart

QUESTION 4: Where would you hide a dead body on campus?

calli colvin: *cue panicked laughter* ria mcdonald: Put it in the food—none of you know what you might be eating emily hammond: GCAD, it’s new, they won’t check the walls before 2050. tiffany wen: dawes attic - that place is sus. yendi foo: Noyes basement, why would you check a basement in a building that is dedicated to talking about dead dudes? frenchy: this whole campus is actually a ceremonial burial ground, as it happens!

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QUESTION 5: Favorite milk flavor?

calli colvin: anything but strawberry, for the love of god please if you like strawberry milk seek help ria mcdonald: Almond Breeze Vanilla Unsweetened Almond Milk emily hammond: almond. tiffany wen: milk has flavors??? yendi foo: Cherry Soy. Come for me. I dare you. frenchy: exclusively strawberry. if i found out you’ve been hating of sbrry milk i stg im coming 4 u.

QUESTION 6: 8 or ∞?

calli colvin: with geico, you can save 15% or more on car insurance ria mcdonald: actually LIM DNE [NOTE: its okay we dont know what this means either-- math isnt our strong suit lol] emily hammond:

∞

tiffany wen: the one that looks like the math symbol yendi foo: The infinty sign is merely a [REDACTED] 8 that is stuck lying down forever frenchy: how did you make the 8 lie down

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QUESTION 7: who would win in a high speed police chase: calli or a gorilla

calli colvin: uhm.

REASON: you’re interviewing me at 3:13 am on a sunday and i’ve had way too much caffine to be thinking abt this rn (brain go brrrr) ria mcdonald: ...the police REASON: Calli’s sleep-deprived, and gorillas can’t drive emily hammond: calli, duh REASON: the insanity. the gorrila didnt stand a chance tiffany wen: the gorilla REASON: calli would trip and hit her head on a lead pipe yendi foo: calli initally, the gorilla towards the end REASON: define win- calli would run TOWARDS the police car, the gorilla would kill everyone laura french (frenchy): is the gorrilla the police or is it an accomplice REASON: i need to know more abt the gorilla is he or isnt he a killer

QUESTION 8: A cat with a head start l flees at a constant velocity v from a nuclear-powered steamroller.

The steamroller accelerates from rest at a constant acceleration a. How many pieces does the LEGO Super Star Destroyer have? calli colvin: turns out there are stupid questions ria mcdonald:

3152, of course. *shakes head* this is common knowledge.

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the test:

tiffany wen: if i knew the answer i would not be failing math yendi foo: is the answer c? frenchy: based on the current projections of the sun and moon, it’s actually a Capricorn rising

QUESTION 9: which board member is the double agent?

calli colvin: its ria. i saw her vent. ria mcdonald: Not I. emily hammond: Ria Bindra McDonald tiffany wen: ria 100% yendi foo: Ria sus frenchy: ria. i know what you’ve done. you cant hide forever.

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Monthly Whispers The Lawrenceville Community Whispers are quotes that you, the Lawrenceville students, send us that are funny, weird, or out of context. Studies show that there are about 100 Whispers every day, but not all are sent to us. Here are the best of the ones that were. You’re welcome.

“British people be like: I’m from Santa Fe.” “I’m so tired my prescription went up.”

“POM goes beep when we aint six feet” “If I die, do I still have to submit her homework or do you think I can get an extension?”

“Are you a nice person?”

“Eh, depends on the day.”

“I swear I’m not communist, I just happen to agree with Karl Marx” “It’s not a house of God if you never wear a bra in there.”

“Guys help i don’t know what to say back to my prison friend”

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“Never have I ever been straight for more than twenty-four hours.”

“But I’m old and tired, and I just want to climb Abbott and eat lunch and make fun of people without getting pulled into the McCarthy witch trials.”

“I feel like if someone were trying to assassinate me, I’d just assassinate them back. I’m just built different.”

“People who are gorgeous confuse me.”

“I feel like you need a new style icon, and it should be the Queen of England as portrayed by Olivia Coleman in Netflix’s The Crown.”

“It’ll be a cute kaboom.”

“Kraft mac and cheese is a sign of moral and societal failure.”

“Being corrupt would honestly be awesome.”

“Keep being a commie and you’re going to Catholic school.”

“I’m turning nineteen soon.”

“That’s kind of rude.”

“Have you ever thought of just...gracefully degrading into silence?”

“Is there a way to be unbaptized?”

“Ketchup is the nectar of the gods”

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“i like ya temp g” “I swear if this baby doesn’t come out of me soon I will murder the closest person next to me and that will be you.” “the last time I drank water was in the pool yesterday” “I hear people have been finding POM batteries in the woods” “bfa violation is not a violation unless teachers see” *please note spilled milk does not condone violating the BFA agreement, stay safe kids* “You just know that College Board has a team of highly-paid experts sitting in a badly-carpeted room somewhere, drinking good bourbon and eating bad apples, trying to figure out new ways to make each incoming senior class scratch their own eyes out.” “all i do at this school is check my email”

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Whispers From Beyond the Mask The Lawrenceville Community Similar to regular whispers, these hilarious quotes are heard specifically in the Testing Tents; said by you, heard by us.

“Let me guess, your favorite color is purple. Honestly, how can people complain about wearing a mask when you are all color-coded?”

“I had a boy come by this morning who had the same birthday! You might be soulmates!”

“I have a twin.”

“Why is lunch always bad when the worst kids are here?”

“I don’t understand why people never use the right trash-can, it’s not that hard to put your trash in the right place.”

“BYOQ - Bring your own Q-tip. ” “The questions are very important. That’s why.”

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SURVEYS 1 6 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

SM Writers October 2020 DISCLAIMER: we did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each.

The winner for the “Best Answer” contest will have the submitter’s name on it and written in BIG RED LETTERS. Question One: Finish the sentence: If it weren’t for quarantine, I wouldn’t live in a toilet paper fort would smile for the first time in a year would buy a miniature horse and take it sledding in Switzerland. would be selling pre-boiled frozen water wouldn’t have any use for all the bath and body works hand sanitizer i bought in 4th grade would still likely have no social life, never mind, nothing has changed. would probably still have friends

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Question Two: Thoughts on POM Readers?

It watches me shower I think personal oops manuals will really help us stop making mistakes.

It makes me seem like i have more of a social life than i do Deldridge just wants to know the hookup tea Readers? No thanks, I’m jared, 19 A device created by the CIA to gather intel on us so the clones they’ve created of us students can be more realistic ummm. . . I’m not sure what those are. UPDATE: I asked around, and ppl told me that they’re those ugly things everyone has been wearing around their necks (i thought it was some new fashion trend: ~Chunky Tech Necklaces~ So if this isn’t Kim Possible’s super cool tech watch, then i dont want it Can’t relate lmaoooooo *sent by a virtual student* Big Brother Question Three: What’s hiding in Mr. Murray’s mustache?

A bean Four best for all strikes the Krabby patty secret formula he’s obviously hiding the rest of the student body because I swear its like the seniors have magically disappeared. If anyone says they’ve seen at least one senior this whole year they’re for sure lying. a slighty smaller, less full mustache 1 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

Question Four: Beans? beans. (3) greens (7) Consider them spilled The single greatest security threat to the US The war against farting Mushroom plants vs. zombies The more ya eat the more ya fart

Question Five: Finish the phrase: My FBI agent caught me _________ trying to buy Jeff Bezo’s toenail clippings off of amazon the other day feeding the dog that I hid in my closet apples with a spoon. (Pls don’t tell Uli) playing pokemon platinum during zoom class

WINNING ANSWER: “vera-stalking my crush” - Kiley Alt ‘23 up at three AM editing this [FRICKIN] magazine burning a nickleback poster Building a quantum computer, what did you do with your tuesday?

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Question Six: Finish the phrase: I like you (insert conjunction etc but, so or and)__________ but I have a thing for fictional characters but i like my cow udders better But inter-species marriage is still illegal So can you please save my burning house So stop dating your phone and date me. Tiktok is not your girlfriend, I am. but your mom needs to move out, thanks but replace the “you” with “food” but I ran over your cat yesterday by accident. hope things will still work out?

Question Seven: Finish the phrase: Look mom:________ I’m in Spain, but eithout the s, p, a, or i, or n and it’s pronounced as “slowly going insane” i thought our poms were more than six feet apart I bought you a replacement child, it’s got a vending machine and everything I might have spilled your high school tea on my snapchat story, Dad knows about your boyfriends now. Love you! there’s bees. :) Look mom, I didn’t know they would throw out my life-sized cutout of willy wonka during room check, I’m sorry I made you pay $70 for it

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WINNING CAPTION “You can’t catch corona from your friends, if you don’t have any friends” - Roan McDonald ’23

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ARTICLES 2 2 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

The Lawrenceville Problem Luke Park ’24

I love Lawrenceville. Do you love Lawrenceville? Of course you do, silly. Everyone loves Lawrenceville. It’s a great place with a ton of great faculties! It’s got food, people, clouds, bugs, what more could someone ask for? But, it ever so happens that there’s a spectre haunting Lawrenceville—the spectre of a really, really big problem.

Lawrenceville is almost perfect, and it’s just barely cusping that edge, with the only thing stopping it being this problem. This problem ruins almost everything about Lawrenceville, and despite all of the great factors listed above, prevents me from truly enjoying the school. No amount of bugs can save us now. The problem is so prevalent that it’s almost impossible not to notice, unless you actually like the problem, in which case I hate you. Shut the blinds tonight. I know where you live.

This problem’s already been mentioned by many people, but I still think it’s prevalent today because of the way it affects Lawrenceville as of now. The problem is seriously interfering with the way in which the staff and students interact with each other. It’s been spoiling the Big Red Farm’s crops, eating our erasers and pencils, and 2 3 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

possibly even causing all human suffering.

If we don’t fix the problem now, things could become even more problematic. We already have a massive problem in Lawrenceville, and we don’t need another problem thrown into the bowl.

We could solve the problem by solving the problem. If we solved the problem using our resources, we could reach an ideal and efficient solution. If we’re forced to use more resources, while not ideal, it would still solve the problem, so my point still stands and I’m still better than you. The solution is easier said than done, but it’s ok because in the end, we’ll no longer have the problem. Alternatively, we could also solve the problem by not solving the problem and pretending the problem is solved, although this would force us to solve the problem later, so it is preferred as a last resort.

To conclude, I think the problem is a really big deal, and I’ve listed how much I utterly hate and despise the problem, so much so that I would give my own life just to end it. But at the end of the day, this is just a small problem, and if we work together as a community we can remove this problem. The problem may seem large now, but it will be small; the world may have problems, but we can fix them.

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BEST {PLACES TO HIDE A * dead

body *

ON CAMPUS (A guide)

Maddy Laws ’23 Hiding a dead body is an essential life skill that everyone should know.

There are many factors that make a place a good spot to hide a dead body on campus. First off, let’s address the 4 basic things you want to keep in mind when trying to hide a dead body. I’ve created a simple acronym for people to remember these key factors. You don’t want the body to be:

S

melly

E E

asily dug up vidence

(riddled

Noticeable

with)

Now that we have the basics, let’s get into some deep analysis of certain places at Lawrenceville and whether or not they would be a good place to hide a body:

1.) YOUR CLOSET. Sounds foolproof right? WRONG. One of the main misconceptions is that a closet is a good place to hide a body. That is absolutely wrong, and I’m here to address why: 2 5 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

a) Smelly: YES! Even though we’re all teenagers and smell enough to possibly cover up the scent of the body, don’t underestimate the unusually strong smell that a body may produce. b) Easily dug up: Is there even digging required? You open your closet and BAM! Case closed, and you’ve been caught. And lville closets dont even have doors! c) Evidence: Hello, it’s IN YOUR CLOSET. That is 10000000000% incriminating to literally anyone on the planet! d) Noticeable: Oh, no, it’s not that noticeable, only for teen girls who go into their closets a gazillion times a day to change their outfits.

Yeah, I bet nobody’s going to notice the bloodstain on that really cute jean jacket.

2.CONSTRUCTION AROUND THE FIELD HOUSE. This is actually a really good place to hide a dead body, but it has a lot of pros and cons to it. Hiding a body in the construction is probably the same as flipping a coin. You have no idea what’s going to happen. Let’s assess it to see some of these pros and cons. a) Smelly: Actually, yes, but it’s less noticeable. The smells of construction are actually pretty strong, and the fact that everyone’s wearing a mask and nobody’s actually hands-on in the dirt makes it more or less unnoticeable. b) Easily dug up: This right here is the one one fault to this method. It is dug up very easily, so it is important to limit the evidence that could link it back to you. A trick to making it less easily dug up is burying it vertically instead of horizontally, which will also make it less noticeable. c) Evidence: There shouldn’t be so much here since it’s such a generic location, nothing about it would indicate you as a particular suspect, which makes it spot.

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d) Noticeable: Not at all! That’s the best part about this spot! The amount of overturned dirt is plentiful, so any extra won’t appear suspicious.

3.) THE GOLF COURSE. Honestly, an all around great hiding spot-- Who even goes there at night??? Exactly, their already sus. a) Smelly: yes, but since the golf course is so close to the woods you could put a dead squirrel over it and blame that for the smell. b) Easily dug up: Not particularly, there are lots of wooden areas you could hide it in, and a few spots of water. Just make sure that it doesn’t float to the surface. c) Evidence: None! If a body is found on the golf course, they’re not going to link it to you, they’re going to blame it on the two kids who went there together at like 11 pm yesterday... although they might have an alibi... d) Noticeable: Nope, again I advise using the woods, or if putting it in a spot more clearly seen bury it vertically! This is always a good tip to keep in mind!

Some other suggestions as good spots: - Tunnel system underneath the houses - Dumpster (if you wanna be basic) - Chem labs (say it’s for a new dissection lab) - In the closet of a person you don’t like (if they’re not the body you’re already hiding)

Key Takeaways: There are a lot of good spots to hide a dead body if you look hard enough and remember it shouldn’t be SEEN. My personal favorite is the golf course, it has proven quite effective in the past, but feel free to choose any of the options or even make your own! Remember, failure means nothing to me.. you’re the one that gets arrested, so…

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IS LAWRENCEVILLE TOO EDUCATIONAL? (too big brain of a school) Roan McDonald ’23

Many a parent has considered sending their kids to boarding school throughout their life, be it for their education, for the social experience, or to just get the kids out of the house so you can have a moment of peace for once. Many believe Lawrenceville is a great school for all of these reasons and more, yet the question is being raised:

Is Lawrenceville too educational?

Every parent wants an education for their child, but only to a certain limit.

Children of course have to be held back from reaching their full potential, otherwise they may try to rise above their position as a subjugated class controlled by us ~adults~. The last thing we want is a repeat of the Great Child-Adult War—a tragedy resulting in the great banishment of children to their rooms. Our Lords and Saviors, the grandparents, have since instituted a strict policy of keeping one’s children under control lest they rise up in rebellion once again. Parents are beginning to worry that Lawrenceville may be dangerously close to breaking these most sacred laws. They employ radical educational tactics like Harkness, where children build on each other’s ideas and they have designated periods for children 2 8 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

to come and get direct help from teachers.

This has many parents worried that their greatest fear may come true. Their children may begin to make good points, they may even win arguments. Never once has a child won an argument since the dark ages 3000 years ago, and we may be seeing a return of those most trying of times. They are taught about the American Revolution, the French Revolution, and the Enlightenment. Much of what they are taught is anti-authoritarian propaganda. This is a slippery slope like nothing we have ever seen before.

Today it’s all about “events that happened 2000 years ago” and tomorrow its gonna be about “My parents are King George and Marie Antoinette, I expect some Robespierre things to happen soon.”

To my horror, they are even taught about the characteristics of an authoritarian ruler. It’s inevitable that they recognize these traits in our mass subjugation of all children. They may start to spread anti-parent propaganda.

They may learn how to start a revolution. I have talked to several students at Lawrenceville personally, and they are all frighteningly smart. It reminds me of those dark ages when children had unlocked their full potential, the bloodshed and chores that ensued were disastrous for both sides. Yet us old people prevailed and have done everything in our power to protect our rights forever after.

However, we may be seeing a worrying spike in child intelligence, and we may, grandparents forbid, see another child-adult war, which may shatter everything we have spent so long building. So before you send your kids to Lawrenceville, ask yourself: is Lawrenceville perhaps too educational?

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EDITOR’S DISCLAIMER: This magazine respects differ-

ent opinions, and as the premier news source for most of the Lawrenceville community, we feel the obligation, especially in the esteemed Articles section, to represent the true breadth of beliefs of our society. Therefore, as Articles Editor, I made the difficult choice to include the two following pieces that may strike up much controversy for their, at times, offensive content. I would like to state very clearly that these two opinion pieces do NOT reflect the views of the Editorial Board. At Spilled Milk, we understand the influential position we occupy, and we do not lightly weigh in on important satirical questions. We understand the importance of these debates that some deem foolish—they are the foundations of burgeoning online relationships, they are the pillars of vital class tangents.

Including these two pieces though, was a hard decision because they are both, very clearly, written from the incorrect positions. Again, we respect all opinions, but these are completely and utterly wrong, and, if I may extend so far, probably hurtful to society. That being said, freedom of speech, and all, so continue at your own peril***, and remember that the world is a beautiful place.

Sincerely, Ria Bindra McDonald,

Articles Editor, Vice God, “The Once-Ler”

*** Spilled Milk, its Editorial Board, and Ria McDonald, Esq. are not legally responsible for any injuries—physical, emotional, or grammatical—that are sustained while reading the following articles. This protection includes sudden onsets of misanthropy or distaste for pizza, pineapple, cereal, or milk. (This will make more sense in a minute.)

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MILK FIRST. (this is very unbecoming of a lawrentian)

Ashley Gelber ’21 Content Warning (from the author): This essay contains extremely controversial opinions. Please be sure that you have situated yourself in a room rid of knives, cups of water, stuffed animals, or blowtorches. If any content in this essay causes intense emotional pain, nausea, or unexplainable heart palpitations...please talk to a doctor immediately and, more importantly, call my lawyer. Viewer discretion is advised.

Euphoric. Splendid. Irresistible. Crunchtastic. What do all of these words

have in common? Yes, my friend, all of these words capture the immaculate experience of eating the perfect spoonful of cereal. The perfect combination of wheat stripped of all its nutrition, chemicals even a literate person cannot pronounce, sugar, and hormones made to help stimulate the growth of a baby cow...calf one might say. This delectable store-bought staple serves as an integral part of your average American diet.

However, scientists still debate on the intricacies of cereal consumption.

Many hours spent- sweat pouring, papers flying, blood spewing- all trying to snap the system, crackle the codes, and pop out a solution to this one question: how does one prepare the perfect bowl of cereal? And as a PHD, scientifically certified, Captain Crunch myself, allow me to put this conundrum to rest. GOD DAMMIT IT, milk goes first.

Let me ask you...What separates your average bowl of Wheaties from a spectacular one? The ratio, my friend, the ratio. The cereal choice, regardless of the selection’s soggability, needs to have the perfect ratio of liquid. We all know the feeling. Finally making our way into our beds, computer on lap, spoon 3 1 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

in hand. You finally can start your date with Tiger King whilst indulging in an attractive bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Once you look down, your Toasty, Crunchy, Cinnamony carbohydrates transformed into beige mush which looks...well...less than attractive. Of course I would chastise this person for choosing such an absorbent breed of cereal. Then I would ask that person about the amount of milk this person used, because their barbaric use of milk deserves to be chastised. In order to prevent your fruity pebbles from going flacid you need to make sure that the cereal takes a light dip in the milk, not a deep dive. Thus, my argument proceeds.

In the perfect cereal equation, milk represents the independent variable.

An uneducated person may ask: “Wouldn’t your perfect bowl depend on the amount of cereal you want?” To that I say: “No..pagan, it does not.” When pouring milk, oftentimes people pour too much. White bowls make milk measurement difficult and by the time the cereal becomes soup, one cannot turn back. You must compensate by adding more cereal, which defeats the purpose of measuring your portion beforehand! Come on people, the logic writes itself! The solution, put your milk in first. Too much milk? Pour it back in your container and portion your cereal accordingly!

Why do we continue to fight about this extremely minute detail of our daily lives?

Because the balstamous nim-nims who claim that cereal goes in first refuse to be put in their rightful place. This ends now!

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PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA IS GOOD*, DON’’T ARGUE WITH ME *no it’s not -- the person editing this :)

Calli Colvin ’22 Hi yes, so I’m extremely caffeinated right now so this (gestures obscureley at the depressive mess major assignments week has made) may not make sense, but I promise you: what I’m about to say makes perfect sense (actually it doesn’t, but it makes dollars haha I funny). Pineapple goes on pizza.

Now, a lot of you may disagree with me, but I have to say...you’re all wrong.

It’s the perfect solution: sweet and salty together, living in harmony until the fire nation attacked. Only one topping, the pineapple, master of all four elements, could stop them. *im so tired and binge watching avatar hasnt helped* Pizza is amazing as is, but even as a pizza lover, I have to admit, It’s not great for me. BUT, if i just pop a bunch of fruit on there (not actually, just pineapple—if you put any other fruit on there you belong in a mental asylum), then I can at least say it’s sort of healthy. It’s also good for me. It has vitamin something and that weird acid that dissolves your tongue. Who doesn’t love a fruit which eats you back?

Pineapple belongs on pizza. Here are some things to try if you don’t agree: - Cook the pineapple with the pizza - Have a philiophical debate with yourself about what it means to eat pizza - Ask yourself if you even like pineapple? or pizza???

- Seriously though, for the love of God, if you don’t like it, seek help. I think the health center has counselors 24/7. QED. 3 3 S P I L L E D M I L K || N OV E M B E R 2020

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BIG RED WORKOUT SERIE S This workout is SUPER INTENSE but it only takes a few minutes to sweat really hard! Incorporate into your daily lifestyle and routine, it’s sure to make you feel the burn!

Madeline Laws ’23 EXERCISE ONE: High speed typing This exercise is most effectively completed when you attempt to finish a paper that is due in five minutes. Trust me, YOU WILL SWEAT. Crying is okay, it’s a very hard exercise.

EXERCISE TWO: Having a one-on-one zoom call with your teacher/ breakout room Okay, this exercise is a partner one. You’re going to feel your heart race.

It only takes a two minute call to begin to feel the burn. Be prepared for the amount of mental capability it will take to keep up this exercise. If you need a modification, secretly texting on your phone can lessen the intensity.

Similarly, turning off your camera and hiding in another room may also help.

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EXERCISE THREE: Thinking about your tests As we near the middle of our workout we want to start our most intense exercise, and THIS HERE, IS IT. You want tough? this is as tough as it gets.

All you have to do is think about all of your tests and essays in the next week. You should feel your heart race and your muscles shake. (Side effects include and are not limited to insomnia due to an overwhelming amount of stress, fainting, and lightheadedness)

EXERCISE FOUR: Running to the bathroom [NOTE: THIS EXERCISE INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO DAY STUDENTS] Have you ever casually been hanging out with your friends before having the shocking realization you need to go to the bathroom, but it’s all the way IN THE FIELD HOUSE? I hope you have, otherwise this is pretty awkward.

Still, this is a hard one. You’ve got to really push yourself to complete it. A few pro tips: dress appropriately! Wear flexible pants. You want to remember EFFICIENCY; it’s always important to make sure that you reach your destination in the shortest amount of time possible. Also, form is ESSENTIAL to the quality of this exercise, don’t be afraid to practice at home! If you’re too exhausted to complete this exercise, wearing a diaper may also suffice.

EXERCISE FIVE: Forgetting your books If you tell me you’ve never done this exercise before, count yourself lucky.

Do you ever realize when you’re halfway across the lawn to your classes, that YOU FORGOT A BOOK (or POM because corona) and have to run all the way back to get them? (If you’re looking for a way to include more reps into this exercise, all you have to do is be more irresponsible so you have to complete this exercise on a more regular basis; it shouldn’t be too hard I manage it)

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EXERCISE SIX: Sobbing uncontrollably about your work Although this exercise may seem to be a normal part of all of this workout’s exercises, don’t be fooled: it makes a great exercise on its own! Be prepared to sweat from your eyes, this one’s a really good face workout to get those toned cheekbones. But, remember all of its applications! Want a fierce glow up for those pre-dance pics? THIS IS THE EXERCISE FOR IT. Your face muscles will shine. Want to act like you’re really into harkness when you would rather sleep? This exercise is great for practicing that expression for when someone steals your idea or talks over you! The applications are endless! (some include before tests, in the mornings when you don’t want to get out of bed, or every second you are at school here)

Alright folks, THAT IS IT! You made it all the way through! Repeat this workout on a daily basis to be IN TOP SHAPE!!!

I advise to incorporate rest into this exercise, likely maybe 3 to 5 hours in between each round. Others may call this sleep (this is optional).

It’s a hard workout, but remember YOU’VE GOT THIS! I totally believe in you!

[DISCLAIMER: THIS CLAIM VARIES AND I MAY VERY LIKELY NOT BELIEVE IN YOU OR IN THE CREDIBILITY OF THIS WORKOUT WHATSOEVER]

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How Col lege Apps Make Me Fe el” Lucrezia Di Vincenzo ’21

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lol we had this extra page so jeb says hi. say it back.

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