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CO N T E N T S
5
THE BOARD
“Mastermind” 2022 TS
6
SURVEYS
everyone’s favorite
15
ARTICLES
you guys are going to love this
23
MONTHLY WHISPERS
shhhhhhhhh
26
INTERVIEWS
Gen-Z special edition
30
ASK TITO AND CHETTA!
Practically Prefects
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SM
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THE BOARD BOA RD Top Heifer/ EIC / : Vivian Teeley ‘24 Calf 3 / Articles / Salatto, not salty : Grayson Salatto ‘25 Calf 4 / Interviews / Asking the right questions: Brinly Teeple ‘24 Calf 5 / Monthly Whispers / : Vivian Teeley Calf 6 / Surveys / : Alyssa Roberts ‘24 Calf 7 / Made the cover (In her Van Gogh era): Emily Pan ‘24 Calf 8 / Ask Tito and Chetta/ petito potato : Lyla Petito ‘25 Calf 9 / Ask Tito and Chetta / doesn’t rhyme with bruschetta : Ellie Turchetta ‘25 Fully Grown Cow/ has a cute dog: Ms. Kim McMenamin
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SURVEYS 6 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
Survey Questions and Answers DISCLAIMER: We did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each.
Question One: What was your latest girl dinner? the girl Ramen in a coffee cup with a knife, a leftover slice of pizza from an opened pizza box from Hamil invite a house, and a Diet Coke (bc girl math), and Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You The dust in my room Spinach and white chocolate cappuccino (3 heart emojis) Lucky charms, pierogis, saltines, and crasins boy dinner 3 plates of meatballs nothing else 1 glass of chocolate milk, four pieces of pasta, five pieces of cantaloupe uncrustables A very scrumptious oreo Bath house cookie candy from the KAC and cookie from math class, jello from tsai clementines and chocolate chips from tsai
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Question Two: I spend my study hall doing... stalking peoples spotifys Miscellaneous shenanigans daydreaming about the Lawrence editors Cool math games nothing but waiting until the times is an even number to start my work but every time I look at the clock it’s not at a 30 or 00 so I never truly start any work Studying. What else would you be doing with that precious time? It’s Lawrenceville for gods sake. Not homework!!! (3 emojis of kissey face)jk prolly 10% homework and 90% instagram+shopping+Snapchat playing 2048 anything other than homework. procrastination is real!! Roblox verastalking
Question Three: How much does a Tjs slice of pizza cost? Too much (3) 3 bucks (2) a wink from pedro 4.70 (last time I went) Daddy money 14.876279
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the Pedro Formula: cost=the square root of x * flirting^2 / y * how old the pizza is Depends on if you have a fire fit. Shoutout to Fire Fit Fridays! Seriously bring it back. Idk 4.00?! It’s a lil pricey if I do say so. All the money in my account 0, you guys pay? idk but prob too much - and their packaged ice cream sandwiches are NINE DOLLARS Big red card mystery 10 dollars
Question Four: What is the craziest Mr. Murray lore? what does lore mean His evil villain ark with a secret society idk you tell me ?! He lets students sleep in the attic if they can sneak past his dogs. Born in the 1920’s and was a famous actor at the time. He never wanted to loose his fame so his body was frozen and about 20 years ago they unfroze him. Now he’s a Lawrenceville celeb not really a worldwide celeb. Mr and Mrs. Murray’s preschool love story he used to be in the circus (true story look it up) Fake mustache
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Question Five: What’s the best way to avoid getting caught using AI? not using it Spell things wrong get caught for something else instead Put filler sentences in between the sentences AI creates for you. (This ac worked) Tell them you used AI, reverse psychology! Use another AI to make the first one not seem like AI. i dont use ai (winky face emoji) Ummm… I didn’t know it was AI? Translate to 7 different languages then fix grammar hope for the best and deny dont copy paste do it on your phone on cell service then paraphrase it from there to your computer using your own words that way its your own tone of voice and you have version history to prove you wrote it additionally feed it your own gerneral ideas just become a robot and say ur advisor helped u I see what you’re doing here.
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Question Six: The best time to get COVID at Lawrenceville is... never (2) finals week (7) week before finals (2) beginning of the year All the time (emoji with sunglasses) always. online school >>> all Over the summer. You cannot miss a class here or you are screwed When you have Mandarin class turkey term anytime, if it means skipping class
Question Seven: Most attractive building on campus? bunn library (3) Pop (5) mem (2) Whatever building you’re in bbg Pop got them curves You (winky face emoji) the delivery shed me
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Question Eight: Favorite place to meet new people on campus? The bowl (3) bathhouse (3) The woods (2) the bathroom (2) Dinning hall line Anywhere but the gym THE RANDOM WEIGHTLIFTING ROOM IN LOUCKS The Dean’s Office. The trailers loucks The BOWLLLL (3 emojis angular eyes with tongue sticking out) Bunn disabled toilet the downstairs reading room ;)
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Caption This!
me when math corrections don’t help my grade
Walking in the ice rink while hockey players are on the ice
Mr. Murray after shaving his mustache for St. Baldricks (2014 the University School, Ohio)
Me after looking at my math grade
When I get a memo and thought it was gonna be a good one
When you didn’t do the reading and the teacher calls for you in harkness
When you didn’t do the reading and they actually call on you to talk at harkness.
When Turkey term is supposed to be short and easy but you have 100 test next Monday
When it’s Thursday and I realize the dining hall doesn’t have ice cream
when you realize hill actually beat us one year
POV: You got your haircut done by someone else instead of Lacey Lineups. 1 3 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
When turkey term hits and you have 8 tests over 4 days
a
me calling my sister the moment i hear abt new drama Calling my friends standing outside my trailer window When there’s no more money on your big red card when ur a day student trying to get picked up at 9:30 Me ordering door dash for the the 10th time in one day when I have to explain sanctuary to my mom. pov me making a call with my friends talkin bout the hottest NbA player but trynna look academic in mem POV: on the phone with your mom after you got a “bad” memo Calling public safety because I didn’t bring my fob to the showers Trying to convince my hoh to not give me an eci
Trying to get a reach request approved
Winner! Submitted by “John Doe” so no gift card can be given, names for credit next time... if you think this is you, email vteeley24
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ARTICLES 1 5 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
I’m Disappointed A love letter to everyone told me they would write an article: I am not mad, I’m just disappointed. Lawrenceville is supposed to teach you integrity, despite what the high number of DCs suggests. Anyway if you’re interested in being considered funny or being able to put a publication on your resume, but scared to start, I recommend checking out some of our previous issues on the site or the next few pages for examples! I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with. This itself is an example of an article! I wrote a paragraph and spent hours trying to figure out Adobe’s horrible user interface just so you all could read it. Luckily, you won’t have to, just put some thoughts down on a doc and call it a day. LOL(Lots of Love), Vivian Supreme milkman
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A Modest Proposal Yendi Foo ‘22 Do you have chronic headaches? Is there a persistent buzzing in your ear about wanting money or riding in the front seat? Has your closet been emptying slowly but surely? Does someone else your age share the same parents as you? If so, you might have Annoying Siblings Syndrome: or ASS for short. That’s ok; many people have to suffer from some form of ASS throughout their lives. Siblings, especially younger ones, are pesky creatures that create nothing but havoc in your life. They mess up your room and steal your things. Baby ones, especially, are notorious for leaving pools of drool on top of your electronics. But you didn’t ask for them, and so you shouldn’t have to suffer! I am pleased to announce that I have found how to manage my ASS, and I’d love to share these methods with you! Here’s how to deal with an ASS and get those grubby kids out of your life for good! Siblings are pests, and you ought to treat them as such. At first, I did a little experimenting on passive methods of repelling siblings: garlic (believed to ward off evil spirits), bug sprays, dishwashing liquids (effective at killing roaches and lizards), the whole works. But nothing seemed to work effectively until I realized that siblings are mutated pests, requiring stronger repellants. Naturally, I tried pepper spray, and I was pleasantly surprised! The stun is temporary, so you won’t have to worry about covering any medical expenses. Even better, the results are instantaneous and will surely prevent them from returning to your room in the future. For added effect, you can infuse your spray container with bleach or diluted acid for a more potent spritz! However, I should forewarn you that the critters eject an awful screech or scream once sprayed, and may report you to your parents (at which point I refuse to be held liable for any damage or punishment). If you are punished, don’t panic: simply resort to physical violence or revenge! Tiny-sized siblings can be squashed thin with a sturdy shoe or fly swatter. If you 1 7 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
have a medium-sized sibling, one resilient bear trap should do the trick. If they are any larger, resort to sneaking rat poison into the pebbles that they always eat out of the fish tank. After all, a dead sibling, er, - I mean pest - cannot bother you! Suffering from an ASS also means that you experience loneliness from not being the center of your parent’s attention, which is a painful reality. YOU have the choice to make yourselves the center of attention. If you care how your sibling is treated, consider shipping them to Antarctica on the back of a penguin. Shipping these days is incredibly cheap because the penguins are constantly running from global warming, so it shouldn’t be too hard to locate one at your nearest beach. But do text me if you experience any difficulty, and I will be sure to send my best penguin for you. However, some of us kids are not so financially endowed, so we stick with the traditional method: yeeting them through a window. Older siblings should be entitled to throwing annoying siblings out of the windows when they are a nuisance. Hopefully, one exerted throw should be enough. But, if one throw isn’t enough to make them disappear, try throwing them off the roof instead. Maybe off a cliff, too: if one’s accessible. That ought to do the trick. Once they are no longer moving, wipe up any evidence and wait for nightfall to discard of them in the garbage. After that, you can peacefully enjoy being the center of your parents’ universe and never would about any ASS again! Lastly, if for some reason they haven’t ceased to exist yet, great news! Area 51 is currently looking for new mutant species to compare to their aliens! I’ve even heard that the CIA pays handsomely for exotic creatures that don’t seem to die. Commit your sibling to this program, and it is a 100% guarantee that you won’t ever have to see them again! As a bonus, you will be rich enough to emancipate yourself. Go make that move to Hawai’i so you’ll never have to see any reminders of them ever again! Annoying Sibling Syndrome does not have to be permanent. Take control of your life today. Why live with the burden of younger siblings if you can nip the problem in the bud altogether? Remember that the problem is never you; it’s them. The next time [redacted] waltzes into your room, show them who’s the alpha. Follow my tips and let natural selection take it the rest of the way! (No siblings were harmed in the making of this essay. Viewer discretion is advised, and I will not be held responsible for any damage or death caused as a result of this paper. Thank you.)
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This Essay got go t me into Harvard (Real) Giao Vu Dinh ‘22 Harvard’s Prompt: The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience? When I was seven and got bored of playing the piano, my parents bought me a violin to entice me back into learning musical instruments. You see, it’s a common stereotype for Asian kids to play musical instruments, and my parents were determined to make sure I was not an exception. But I was horrible at playing the violin,and after begging for years and years to stop, my parents finally agreed to let me pursue my dreams. I broke through the stereotypes that had bound me to these lessons and managed to discover my life’s true calling: helping other people. Through this enlightening experience, I finally learned the meaning of life: giving up other people’s expectations of what you should be in order to discover your true passions.
Have I done a good job of convincing you that I am a dedicated and passionate person willing to defy other people’s expectations in order to pave my own path in the world? If you haven’t, no worries, there are plenty of other reasons why I am worthy of being accepted into your college.
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As you can see from my perfect grade book, I am extremely good at solving problems. This is also evident through the incredibly hard electives I have chosen to take throughout my high school years, the portfolio of computer science and engineering projects I put together over my summer as well as a recommendation from my mentor at my internship at Google, and my presidency in over 20 clubs, including yacht club, knitting club, and Model UN. But that doesn’t mean that I am what you’d consider another Asian Robot - in fact, I am nothing like the rest of those students. On top of my extremely full schedule, I volunteer at the Trenton soup kitchen for forty hours every week and during my school breaks, I visit impoverished countries around the world to teach community members how to read and write English.
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Over the summer, during my visit to an extremely poor school in Cambodia where I taught young kids how to read and write, the trip leader, Rick, told me about how he was accepted to almost every Ivy League, but was unfortunately waitlisted at Harvard so he was forced to attend Princeton instead. He was initially enrolled in pre-Law at Princeton but found it unsatisfactory compared to the college credit summer courses he had taken at Harvard, so he swapped over to the engineering track. He finished all of his major credits in two years, and then was offered the chance to be accelerated straight into getting his masters’ in another two years time, but by that point he had realized that engineering wasn’t the path for him and decided to drop out of college to pursue his life’s passion of League of Legends gaming. He won the first competition he competed in, earned $2 million off of it, bought himself a yacht, and sailed off to an island in Micronesia where he lived in the wilderness with a bunch of animals for 3 years. Through this experience, he realized that his true goal in life was to be the best educator he could possibly be. That was how he ended up at a summer camp mostly intended for elitist prep school kids who just happened to have $10,000 dollars to spend on a college-bait summer camp. That was the only conversation I ever had with Rick, although I do have a 459day streak with him on Snapchat. But I thought his words were so profound that I had to share them in this essay because I have to stand out somehow from all the other students with 1600s on their SATS and three varsity sports and so many extracurriculars they won’t all fit on the common app. I could give you so many more reasons why I would be the perfect candidate for your school, but honestly, if you aren’t convinced yet, my parents granted me a small loan of $1 million dollars to donate to a college of my choice, so. Your call.
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Some AI-generated cows:
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Monthly Whispers 2 3 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
Whispers are quotes that you, the Lawrenceville students, send us that are funny, weird, or out of context. Studies show that there are about 100 Whispers every day, but not all are sent to us. Here are the best of the ones that were submitted. You’re welcome.
From The Lawrenceville Community:
“I was so excited to finally see NYC and then I realized we were in Toronto” “Your ‘roster’ is actually the same as the team roster” “My AI is the only male attention I get” “I just want to be Batman, super wealthy and in shape and maybe have some parental issues” “So undercooked I’m about to get Malaria” “You give heavy amnesia vibes” “My favorite joke is the one my therapist told me” “I went to math club once and just got yelled at for an hour” “I’m just full of rage and I want pasta”
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“Bro I was keeping that bench so toasty you have no clue” “The kids in my town scare me, they’re like really Italian” “He has the confidence of a kid raised in the basement” “Guys help i don’t know what to say back to my prison friend” “I’m not allowed in the cool kid club I have a long torso” “She’s from Britain” “Wheres that?” “America is so basic that’s why they use the imperial system to try to be different” “You would make a really good muppet” “My lab is like master chef and Doc C is Gordon Ramsey but nice and shorter” “You’re the same age as Party in the U. S. A!”
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INTERVIEWS 2 6 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
“SO WE DID SOMETHING CRAZY...” AN INTERVIEW WITH THE MILLENIAL FACULTY Myra Zhou ‘24 & Becky Carey ‘24 What’s it like to be a millennial?? Martin: What’s it like to be gen-z?? It’s like the video: “Have you ever had Krispy Kreme? Was it Krispy?” Lescarde: The most hated and least hated generation Draw ur soul/mind as a character/shape of some sort
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How many salamanders could you be locked in a small room with before you would start to get intimidated? Martin: 1,226 salamanders Lescarde: As many as possible
Say something in gibberish…repeat it, remember it…….now try to spell it Martin: clobsdum Stitt: blrddilberby Whalen: Whoshwashwa
When is the best time of day to eat a pickle? Martin: “4:32 AM, I set an alarm for 4:31am” Stitt: Sunday morning 9:37am Lescarde: After dinner 10:00 PM Whalen: Lunch noon
What is something apparently simple that you’ve never been able to do? Martin: a handstand, touch hands behind my back Stitt: Throw a football Lescarde: Ride a bike
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Someone gives you an elephant you can’t sell/give away, what do you do with it? Whalen: Sell elephant rides
Give five words that you would use as baby names but shouldn’t. Martin: Stinker, Chunkston, V.F.W. Parkway, Yoplait, Stub Stitt: Laryngitis, Glisten, Sepia, Koala, Wooly, Humor
What would you NOT do for five million dollars? Stitt: Teach the Great Gatsby Lescarde: Move back to Florida
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ASK TITO AND CHETTA! 3 0 S P I L L E D M I L K | | J A N UA R Y 2023
Questions and Answers Ellie Turchetta and Lyla Petito ‘23
Question One : What to do if you have a senior crush? First, you should evaluate whether you’re being delusional or realistic. If being delusional is still your answer, don’t you worry honey, because we all have been there. Trust me. The class of ‘23 will be forever cherished in our hearts for their immaculate beauty. Sorry to the class of ‘27, you never got to experience the life changing moment of meeting a senior last year. However, if you find that you deem your crush realistic, we have a game plan for you, as Tito and Cheta always do. Naturally, you should discuss with advisor on how to switch into their classes, in order to immerse yourself in their everyday lives, in a non-stalker fashion. Don’t run away from them, unless the age gap is illegal, which in some cases it can be. #graderepeatathletes. The state law of New Jersey probably wouldn’t enjoy an illegal relationship. Thank you, and keep this all in mind.
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Question Two: What is the best invite a friend event? Now, the obvious answer is Club Stan. It is by far the most exquisite, exciting, and exhilirating event on campus, run by the Stanley House. It brings the most vigour and joy to the spring term, and all the attendees who come. HOWEVER, for the 2023-2024 school year, Club Stan is becoming an allschool event, and all will be able to attend. #JusticeforStanley, but, Stanley is excited to have you all...tbd.
Question Three: How may times should a man count to ten before hes considered insane? Well, we ask you, why a man? Why not a woman? Why is he counting to ten? Although we understand women were considered not intelligent enough to be mathematicians for a long period of time, we can assure you, that women, are indeed more than capable of counting to ten. Maybe even more times then men can. Or. Maybe thats just Tito and Cheta. We’ll leave that to you. But, at the end of the day, we know all.
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Question Four: What actually happens in the Mem Basement? In our personal experiences, we’ve never been in Mem basement. However, we can make many assumptions based on our elaborate investigations into this particular problem. To describe our procedure, we take classes in mem nearly everyday, so we are often acquainted with the building’s inner workings and therefore we have plenty access to the basement, if it weren’t for our own fear. Naturally, our first step was to interview the fine gentleman at TJ’s who overcharged for the information. naturally. He told us that the same business that happens in the building above TJ’s also happens in the basement of mem. He did not specify further. But you can put two and two together.
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