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Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? Milk? 2
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CO N T E N T S
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THE BOARD
The people that made this terrible magazine.
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INTERVIEWS
Interviews, but different. May include inanimate objects.
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SURVEYS
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ARTICLES
We’re better than The Lawrence, we promise
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??????????
I don’t know what to write here
Just what our writers wrote for us
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THE BOARD Best God / Surveys / Dad: Santi Parra ’20 God 2 / Interviews / The Cullmeister: Simon Cull ’20 God 3/ Articles/ Santi’s Wife: Laney Nicholson ’20 God 4 / Articles / Best Hair: Cherie Fernandes ’21 God 5 / ??????? / The Other Tall Blonde: Audrey Safir ’20 God 6 / Surveys / Chef Boyardee: Darin Khan ’20 God 7 / Graphics / [REDACTED]: Giao Vu Dinh ’20 Honorary God / Graphics / Shares Tea: Bryan Hernandez ’20 Elder God / Rest in Peace: Dr Jeffrey Blevins
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INTERVIEWS 6
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Alex Kowal ;20 Ethan Schlegel ’20 Ashley Warren ’20
CASE 1: “In Flagrante”
by Alex Kowal ‘20
[Conducted while the interviewee was, well, pooping.]
What class are you here for? Math 3. Did you think that, several years ago, you would end up having this happen to you? I assumed I would go to the bathroom at some point. Are you the favorite child? Yes. My sister sucks.
[He grunts on the toilet.] Guess the temperature. Uh, 58? That’s wrong. Okay, haha. 7
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Tell me something that you hate. Uh, I hate onions, I think. Like, why does a vegetable make you cry? It’s stupid. Rate your appearance. I’m at a damn 8. I’m dumb cute, I think. What is your favorite amphibious animal? A newt, probably.
CASE 2: “Poor Freshman”
by Ethan Schlegel ‘20
[I think we scared him.] Hi, I’m interviewing for Spilled Milk. what brings you to the bathroom today? I’m just here to use the bathroom, man. Would you say this is your favorite bathroom on campus? Uh, no, not really. What would you consider your favorite then? Probably the [upstairs pop] ones. How many questions are there? Besides using the bathroom, what else do you frequently come here for? I’ve gotta go back to class, man. Sorry.
[The interviewee then backpedals into a door, laughing awkwardly, and speed-walks down the hall back to class.]
CASE 3: “Edgy”
by Alex Kowal ‘20
What class are you here for? Precalc BC.
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Did you think that, several years ago, you would end up having this happen to you? I’ve thought about it. Are you the favorite child? No way. My sisters have jobs and [STUFF]. Guess the temperature. Um, 69. No. Damn. Tell me something that you hate. This school. Let me die, please. Wait, wait, don’t write that down, they’ll think I’m [uh, VERY SAD], I’m not. Rate your appearance. 11. What is your favorite amphibious animal? A Duck.
Case 4: “What is he talking about?”
by Ethan Schlegel ‘20
Why are you just sitting on the counter? Oh yeah, hi. I’m interviewing for Spilled Milk. Want to answer some questions? Sure, dude. Fire away. What brings you to this bathroom today? Hiding from [REDACTED]. They have me in Splash. Do they know you’re in here? No, don’t think so.
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Good move. Would you consider this your favorite bathroom on campus? Nah. I like the house ones better, because at least I know who’s using those. That’s fair, I guess. if you could add a bathroom into one area on campus where would it be? I think throwing one in the Circle would be cool, but like, one of those cool mirrored ones, you know what I mean? No clue. What are they? Basically, you can see the outside, but they can’t look inside. They have them in some city, I forget where.
Some Selections: “Fighting Children”
by Ashley Warren ‘20
NOTE: the answers preceded by “And” are different people. We just thought that writing out each one would take too long. If you could have one advisee lunch for the rest of your life, what would it be? 10
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Oooooh, that, like, pesto... pasta... stuff. And Tortellini with chicken and green beans... If you were in the bathroom and had to be asked one question, what would you want it to be? Oh, [SHOOT]... I don’t know, like, any question. And “You alright in there?” How many first graders do you think you could fight off before you got tired? Like, five. And I’m about the size of a first grader, so probably two before they overpower me. And OHHH! One hundred, for sure! And I’d say a solid fifteen. Maybe sixteen, if I’m well-hydrated. What sport would be made funnier if there was mandatory alcohol consumption? Rugby! And Golf. And Hockey. And Soccer.
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An Interview by Philip Han ‘21.
Please state your name for the record. Gordon “[CAN’T PUBLISH THAT]” Helmers. What Form are you in? Third Form. Wait, no. No, what Form are you in, really? Am I in Second?
[He mutters to himself.]
What house? Uh, no. I’m in Third Form. I’m in Dickinson. Great, okay. So, uh, tell me about your life, just a little, in, like, ten seconds, fifteen seconds, however long you want. I live in Puerto Rico. From (unintelligible). Uh... I like playing sports, studying. Uh, I mean, I don’t actually like studying but I do it. Um… Yeah. I’m pretty sick. And what sports do you do? I play basketball, that’s my favorite. Currently doin’ house disc. [I’m a] [FREAKING] animal. Um, and, I play water polo. Just started this year. You already know how it be. 12
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Yeah, cool, cool, cool. Any non-athletic extracurriculars, commitments, interests? Uh… I love scuba diving. I’m having a scuba diving internship this summer in the [British Virgin Islands] for like, six weeks. And I am currently doing community service with little kids. Love little kids.
[Gordon explains his love for helping children, and how it is inspired by how his older siblings helped him, for the next thirty seconds of the raw recording. However, when it’s written out, it looks really, really boring. So we’re striking it. Sorry Gordon. Tell me about your older siblings. I have one brother that’s older. He’s a big-time basketball player, went to Princeton. He currently lives in New York and is 22, 24, 23, something. I have three older sisters, one that goes to Dartmouth, one that’s graduating from Princeton this year, and one that lives in Berlin, Germany, and she loves art, and they’re all very dedicated and nice, fun people. And you said your brother is a big-time basketball [guy]? Is he a big guy like you? Bigger. He’s like 6’4, 200 pounds. And you are? Like 6’2, 170. Got some big shoes to fill, huh? Uh…. Thanks, Big Phil. Any perks, would you say, of being 170 pounds and 6’2? Get more [PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN]. Better at sports. Stand out from the crowd. Um, kind of just [being able to] position yourself above someone. And it’s just something I like to be recognized as. So you’re kind of proud about it? Just a little. My whole family is very tall. We’re all very proud of that. Right, so when you’re having a bad day, that makes you feel better. ...I wouldn’t say so. It’s not like I’m a [FREAKING] giant. Just a little above average. (CONTINUED) 13
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Is there anything that’s funny that’s happened because of your height?
[The interviewer goes off on a tangent about how an isolated Mexican village thought that he was “Goliath from Heaven” because he’s so “big and white”.] ...I mean, like, in Puerto Rico I towered over everybody. I still do. And my basketball coach called me “Durant-tula”. Because when I first started growing I got really skinny, so, like, a tarantula, and Kevin Durant, because he’s really skinny. What is something that you think is a disadvantage or is a hard part of being tall? Because you’re a pretty big guy. Sometimes you just don’t fit? Uh, yeah. When I first starting to grow I was very clumsy, still am a little bit. And at first I was really skinny -Yeah, just like… Twigs. Like long twigs. Vines. Vines dangling from… Yeah, wow, okay, Big Phil. And, yeah, I was a little bit, like, weirdly tall. So you’re just kind of towering over these Latin American, local people. Yeah. That’s kinda sick. Pretty much. Okay. Okay then. Um… Huh. I dunno, I have to find something interesting about you, and it has to be, like, height-related. What do you think? Oh, well, that changes things. Thought you were just focusing on that for no reason. I guess, like “Durant-tula” could be interesting. At one point I was 6’2 and 140 pounds, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you can write that one down. I was a twig. And my sister’s girlfriend said I looked like I was in a... hunger march. A hunger march? 14
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Yeah, or whatever. Something like that. How do you feel when you see other tall people? Like, tall people that are even taller than you. Do you feel, like… Out-tall’ed? Yeah, a little bit. I mean, it kinda gives me perspective about what other people probably feel like. And it’s just like, “Oh shoot”, y’know, like I was always used to being this… flipping tall. It’s interesting seeing all these tall people, and it’s interesting because it’s an important thing in basketball, but it’s out of your control. And just to clarify, I’m not on Varsity Basketball. Okay, okay, let’s wrap this up…
[The interviewer sounds slightly nervous.] Do you think it’d be appropriate to talk about you uh, “get mad [PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN]”?
[Nervous chuckling.] I mean… I don’t really give a [HOOT]. If your [benevolent editor, Simon Cull] cares, we can change it. I mean, girls just generally, uh…
[Helmers is now wearing invisible sunglasses.] It just stands out to the… ladies. I mean, generally I would just say it’s an attractive feature to be tall… And large.
[Pretty innocent comments about biology and the science of attraction and why tall equals handsome, but when you write it out it looks really creepy. ] ...Ya dig? Bet. I don’t actually know if that’s correct at all. Okay, last thing. Can you give us story about that kind of Durant-tula time you had? (CONTINUED) 15
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[Helmers tells a story we can’t publish. :) ] Well, yeah, basically I was very clumsy, I couldn’t really control the ball anymore and I would trip and stuff. Just when you were walking around? Yeah, I’d trip on my shoe. Just like, you would bump your head on everything everywhere. Yeah. ...Which kind of explains your current state. And my coach would make jokes like, “Oh, he’s a freak. He look like tarantula [sic].” And in Puerto Rico, when I was in 6th grade, I was one of the smallest, and then I was one of the biggest.
[More talking about things we can’t publish. Nothing illegal, just not for print. I don’t think Gordon would want people to read it anyways. The safety of our interviewees is our number one priority. Only at Nationwide.] Alright, enough. Thanks for having me over, Big Phil.
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SURVEYS 18
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SM Writers May 2019 DISCLAIMER: we did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each. (We got a total of 176 answers from just 22 people. That’s a lot.) The winner for the “Best Answer” contest will have the submitter’s name on it and written in BIG RED LETTERS.
Question One: Finish the phrase: I got _______ “Nothing but contempt for this magazine” “99 problems” “A puppy. Does anyone know a good way to cook dog meat?” “merked” “99 problems and slowly-dawning disillusionment with private academic institutions is certainly one of them” “mad when someone pronounced the l in salmon” “A lot of c’s in transcript” “day students trashing my room 24/7” 19
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“saucepans” “$0.04 on my Big Red Card”
Question Two: Finish the sentence: I got grounded because I broke my mom’s _____ “ground” “Gerber Life Account” “(leave the sentence as is)” “hotpocket” “back -- I swear I didn’t know there was any truth to the sidewalk thing” “Sexy Brad Pitt Poster” “wig (it happens man [shrugging emoji])” “saucepans” “mom” “airpods”
Question Three: If Simon Cull were a Disney princess, who would he be? “Ariel” “the frog one” “Princess Thanos, 100%” 20
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“The hunchback of notre dame (he’s a princess to me)” “The princess from the sword and the stone bc nobody knows her name either (I’m kidding don’t hate me)”
WINNING ANSWER: “Ulysses S. Grant” --Ben Polaski ’21 “Snow White” “Olaf?” “saucepanella”
Question Four: How many licks does it take to get through a tootsie pop? “A lot” “Thinking emoji” “0 because no one eats that [JAZZ]” “None. Just throw it away those are DISGUSTING” “i cut my tongue on a tootsie pop once it really hurted”
QuestIon Five: Which is your favourite government drone? All bird-related answers: 6 Whale Shark: 1 Big Bird: 1
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Freddy the French Fry: 1 The ones you don’t know about: 1 Wall-E: 1 Saucepans: 1 Hummingbird and all Carter House-related answers: 6 Actual government drones: 2 Santi / A faculty member: 2
Question Six: Finish the lyric: I like _____. “ .“ “the number forty-three” “Oil paint. I like watercolors - a little bit. I like tempera paint. But most of all, I like the world of oil paint very, very much.” “graded Harkness discussions” “Raw eggs in my eyes” “THOSE BALENCIAGAS, THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE SOCKS” “turtles” “saucepans” “8-10 hours of sleep every night”
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WINNING CAPTION “Alper coding splash” - Ashley Warren ’20
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ARTICLES 24
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Simon Cull ’20
Mr. Christopher John Francis Cull, P’20, is my dad. Given the same last name, this is probably no shock. I am fifty percent him. He tells me what to do in exchange for food, shelter, wisdom, etc. It’s a very standard relationship as far as angsty teenage boys yelling at their dads go. But to a sizeable amount of the school population, he is someone different: the monolithic ‘Mr. Cull,’ a name spoken with dread. Sometimes loved, sometimes hated, always feared. I’m pretty sure most fac brats always get the occasional joke thrown at them about their parents, or maybe even complaints or stories, but I think it’s a bit different with the Cullmeister: literally every single theater kid—and there are a lot of theater kids—exist under his rule. In their minds, their success or failure is based off the Meister’s opinions on them. They’ve turned him into this dictator-like figure, the absolute ruler, a man who holds the keys to both life and death. They believe that they live in his kingdom. This makes me a prince, a prince of darkness—I am now Kim Jong Un, whatever the names of Saddam’s kids were, maybe even Chelsea Clinton/Eric Trump (pick based off your affiliation). While my obligatory medal-covered army uniform with beret and golden AK-47 are on backorder still, I will embrace this mindset whole-heartedly in my flannels and skinny jeans for the time being. This is how things ought to work from now on. As son of the dictator, I hold sway within the regime, the Democratic People’s Republic of the Kirby Arts Center. I’ll take bribes, I will give lead roles to those who please me and damn to the chorus those who do not. Those who come before me will no longer drop the usual “Haha,
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your dad failed me” or “He mentioned you in class today,” “Did you know that he was a West Virginia all-state high school basketball player,” “I saw the baby pictures of you,” “He keeps making the ‘walk this way’ joke,” etc.—NO MORE OF THAT. No longer will you come to me half-joking about how he told you off or praised you or how your journal was a “sloppy C” or what have you. From now on, I will be treated with the utmost respect, or I will ensure you disappear to a place that makes Urinetown (and/or the production of Urinetown, if you were there) look like some kind of absurdly high-end hotel bathroom, one of the ones with the heated towel racks. And for those who please me, who grovel and beg as any good lackey should to the dictator’s son? Let’s just say that the next audition will go quite well. If these kids think the Cullmeister holds absolute rule, then they should recognize me as second only to he. Make no mistake, though Mr. Wilder may have launched his coup and took the Chair of the Performing Arts Department from the Meister, the Cull Dynasty still holds sway over Winterfest and the musical. A very tight grip indeed. When the Meister departs for the Big Black Box in the Sky, I will take up the throne, and take his position. I will eliminate all competition and usher in my one thousandyear reign as the new musical man, the new Cullmeister. And the best part? I will have no qualifications for this position, in the same way that the many strings of nepotism got me into this school. It will ensure my reign. All will bow before me, the new Cullmeister. This elite boarding prep school, not far from Princeton, will be my playground, my kingdom.
fear me
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Alex Kowal ’20 D i d yo u g o to a J u n i o r Boarding School? Maybe transferred after a not so convincing freshman year? Maybe even spent sophomore year at a normal high school but it was SO GARBAGE that you repeated? Well, if so, that’s tough, but you’re in luck! Hi, I’m Alex Kowal and I was once in your shoes; I came to Lawrenceville from the dreaded Eaglebrook School as a new sophomore. I’m here to help you with a brand new guide to being a brand new sophomore at Lawrenceville! First things first, EVERYONE is going to assume you’re a freshman so don’t waste a single moment letting them believe that, we can’t let your dignity evaporate this early. To avoid this assumption, make sure you wear 27
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last years hoodie from Lower, you couldn’t possibly be freshman if you had last year’s stuff, right? ;) Also, wear your key and fob on a lanyard around your neck. This so that any fly fourth or third former can automatically see your form on your fob and the key to your house. Now what kind of freshman has these sick maneuvers? Next, start eating in lower! Show everyone in there that you know your way around that drink station, anyone with experience like you must be a sophomore or maybe even a junior. While you’re in your house, don’t bother making any friends there, you’ll be living with them for two more years! You’ll cross their paths eventually but now is not the time, we have much bigger fish to fry, young lad, like your math teacher, who just assumed you were a freshman just because you are in Math 2. Whatever you do, DON’T MAKE A SCENE. You don’t want to be the laughing stock of the class. Just let this one slide, for now. Next, start hanging out with freshman in the bowl! It’s a great spot on campus, lots of fun! Lastly, finally realize that you are just a freshman and no one will [let you into Hamill]. Take your razor scooter and your spikeball and head back into lower, and don’t come back out until you’re ready to [be let into Hamill]!
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(We have nothing else to really put here... we have a good article someone wrote on how to break into Abbott, but that’s being saved for the next issue ;) , and Santi’s too lazy to change any formatting because he’s just been copy-pasting everything. For your compensation, here’s a picture of a pigeon in a helmet. It really has nothing to do with anything and it doesn’t even match the theme, but it’s cute, so there’s that.)
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Thomas Park ’20
Beans: A Classic Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, the more you toot. Beans: A Tautology Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, the more you eat.
Beans: A Paradox Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, the less you eat.
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Beans: A Mindset Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, The more you eat, the more you eat, the more you eat Trying to escape the deadlines, the stress, the fear of failure But it never leaves, ever, you’re trapped in overachievement hell and you can’t get out and you’re stuck in a million different unhealthy coping mechanisms that get in the way of the very things you’re stressing over, pulling you further and further into a nightmarish positive feedback loop of stress eating and self-doubt And now you have bad gas, too
Beans: A Return Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, The more self-assured you feel, almost as if you’ve been waiting your entire life for a cause as profoundly compelling as this to dedicate yourself to, And then you realize that that cause’s a juvenile anthology of bean poetry and fart humor And fall back into abject nihilism. And then fart, because of course every poem has to contain fart humor in order to line up better with the source material, because you don’t know how to let a joke go, because you’ve gone too far already with these and don’t know how to leave well enough alone.
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Beans: An Acrostic Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, The crushing weight of my self-indulgence’s too much to bear anymore. More talented writers could’ve taken up this prompt, and yet here I am, making a mess of it. You must be sick and tire of all this bean-centric nonsense by now, but as expected, in complete disregard of your feelings I’m still finding new and barely innovative ways to riff on a childish two-line rhyme that half of you probably hadn’t heard of, and even continuing to do it in this self-deprecating meta-narrative. Toot my own horn, why don’t I, and yes, I wrote this entire spiel just so I could end it on this note.
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Beans: A Deconstruction Beans, beans, the magical fruit, The more you eat, The more you consider the word “bean”. You let it sit for a while. You turn it over in your head and in your hands. You contemplate how that witty turn of phrase doesn’t actually work because for one, the direct object’s the word “bean” and not a bean itself, and for another, the thought of eating beans with your hands’s profoundly stupid and you can’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing. Unless you’re one of the people who does, in which case I salute your bravery in the face of my overwhelming prejudice against you in particular. Getting back to the point, you do some research and discover that the word’s origins’re rooted in, to your mild surprise, Three words in Old English, German, and Dutch that all just mean “bean”, too. Huh. You were really expecting there to be some higher meaning to all this, but You guess that’s just how it is sometimes. Not everything can be magical, after all, Though beans of course are, Seeing as how that’s what I opened the poem with.
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Mel Josephson ’22
Alas, I dangle from this wretched place. Unable to move as days, weeks, and months pass on. My prongs wedged into the rough ceiling with the strength of the throw that put me here. And although others join me on occasion, those reckless monsters continue to fling my brethren up into the sky. They root each other on as another fork meets its doom. We are hurled into this endless, grey hellscape. And when my friends finally fall out, within the week they are only rewashed, reused, and flung up again. Perpetually unable to escape, I’m left only to observe my surroundings hoping for a way out. Staring at the wood chairs, the brown carpeted floor, and the plaque that spells “Dickinson” across the wall as I contemplate why God would bestow a fate like this on anyone. Frozen in place. Without purpose. Stagnant forever.
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Kylan Tatum ’21
No more grumbling, mumbling harkness warriors Stumbling through class with no gas to fuel their Steadfast motors that never tire out.
No more sleepless nights and restless days Of long essays and endless praise of grades You say will somehow raise us in Ways we cannot imagine.
My heart smiles at the thought of functioning, Walking ten feet without struggling, Life so sweet when I’m not juggling Six classes, ten clubs, and my workload doubling.
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And yet my brain, still on that L’ville grind, Refuses to clear the anxiety from my mind. Your songs of breaks two days long Feel so so right but so so wrong.
Since when did normal become excellence? When did rest morph into decadence?
The answer to these I cannot tell But at least for two days, I’ll sleep well.
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An Vo ’20
Breakfast: 5/18/2019 7:00 AM Everything-is-due-today Bagel Scrambled-To-Finish-Work Eggs Cinnamon Butchering-French Toast Cinnamon Raisin-My-GPA Oatmeal
Lunch: 5/18/2019 11:00 AM Soup Du Jour: Mi-so-stressed Soup Club-Emails Sandwich Fried Brains 24-hour-Pass-ta Bar Desserts but spelled backwards 38
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Dinner: 5/18/2019 5:15 PM Soup Du Jour: Mi-so-stressed Soup Wok What-is-Joy? Sweet-Tears Pea Peace-out-za Bar Funneling-out-of-here Cake Bar Desserts, but spelled backwards
Lost & Found: Lost: 8-hour sleep Lost: Sanity Lost: Carter House’s House Cup points Lost: The kids (Karen please come back) Found: A can of beans?????
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