Kathy and Doug Holmes: Faith in Love, God, and Each Other

How and when did you meet?

Doug and I were introduced by our mutual friends, Mike and Kathy. They invited each of us over to their home to play Trivial Pursuit. We played on the same team and eventually won the game. Shortly after that we went on our first date.

How has lupus affected your relationship?

Lupus has affected our relationship almost from the beginning. During the year before our wedding I began having symptoms of joint pain and extreme fatigue. This went on for months. It was all I could do to get up in the morning and go to work. One week before our wedding I woke up with a red rash like a sunburn all over my legs and face, and my legs were so stiff I could hardly bend my knees. As soon as my doctor saw what I looked like he said I think you have lupus. When I told him I was getting married in one week he put me in the hospital on IV prednisone. I became well enough that we were able to get married and go on our honeymoon to Vermont, Maine, and Nova Scotia. We had a very nice honeymoon in spite of my still being in a flare up of lupus. Doug was very supportive, and though I felt uncertain about my physical health I felt secure in our relationship enough to know we could get through this challenge.

What kind of challenges have you overcome together in your lupus journey?

Our biggest challenge came a few years after we were married and I had a flare that affected almost every organ in my body. The worst part was that it seriously affected my kidneys. We had been dealing with the normal challenges of a new marriage when I began to feel so ill that I could no longer go into work. This went on for weeks until I ended up in the hospital for three weeks. Once I was stable enough to go home Doug took very good care of me, making healthy meals, and maintaining our home. All I did was rest and if I was able we did things together outside our home. The seriousness of how ill I was quickly brought us closer together and we were able to communicate with each other about our fears and how we were going to get through this health challenge.

How have you best supported each other during your lupus journey?

Doug has always been very supportive and understanding regarding my lupus. He has always carried more than his share of the physical work of maintaining our home. This allowed me time to recover and eventually I started working outside the home again. I had been volunteering at the Lupus Foundation and there was a job opening so I began working part-time, while Doug worked his full time job. Things settled down and under the care and guidance of my doctors we decided to start a family. I became pregnant and we were very happy and very grateful because we had been told that I probably would not be able to have children due to the drugs used to treat my lupus nephritis. We had our daughter, Stephanie, in the spring of 1996 about two and a half years after my lupus nephritis diagnosis.

What has life with a chronic illness taught you about marriage?

Life with a chronic illness has taught me to be grateful for the good days, and for the fact that we have been able to stay married for over thirty two years. I truly found out what the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows means. We have lived it. We have learned to take life one day at a time. Doug has taught me the importance of choosing your battles. Some things are just not that important and not worth fighting over. It has taught me patience and perseverance. I am also learning how to be less selfish and more focused on others. Doug has been a good example of this in the way he lives.

What unexpected hurdles have you had to overcome?

A few unexpected hurdles have included new health challenges. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2014 and had a thyroidectomy and treatment for the cancer. We came through that fairly well – it was actually not as difficult as dealing with lupus nephritis. About three years ago I was diagnosed with another autoimmune disease, scleroderma or CREST syndrome. I have some difficulties but nothing like what we have dealt with in the past. We are living a peaceful, quality life even with the health challenges.

What have you learned from each other?

The tough times have prepared us for whatever lies ahead. We are both Christians, we have always been a part of a church since we were married and we each grew up going to church. Our faith has been a huge part of why we are still together and why we have come through our challenges and have been able to learn something from them. We have seen the hand of God working in our lives so many times.

What do you love most about each other?

The thing that attracted me to Doug in the beginning was his seemingly endless knowledge about many things. On one of our early dates he took me to Lakeview Cemetery and I was amazed about how much he knew about Cleveland history and the different famous people buried there. Doug liked that I was confident, independent, had a challenging job as a manager in a retail store, and I lived in a very cool duplex right on the lake in Lakewood. What I love about him today is his selflessness and concern for others.

What advice would you give to couples learning to live with a chronic illness?

I am not one to give advice. I can only tell people what worked for us. The most important thing for me is faith in God. If we did not have our faith, I am not sure where we would be today. We also have been able to depend on each other, especially during the tough times. When we do have problems they are usually due to poor communication and we are both trying to improve on that. We choose as much as possible to be with positive people. Our involvement with the Lupus Foundation has also been very important to both of us. We have met some great people because of my having lupus and that is a real gift that I am so very grateful for.