if i could take your hand i could shake your hand

☹1

2☺

nice lawn i got high while reading the wikipedia page for placebos stopped halfway in to watch tv with my roommate rick he’s funnier we joke that he lives on a family compound back home that he has farmer’s blood and a healthy dose of resistance the tv show is something about park rangers chasing atvs elaborate schemes to write tickets i’m infected with commercials with symptoms i cannot diagnose sort of like untying bows that i cannot retie myself there’s an unreachable self within self who just tore up my neighbors lawn down the street unloading all my stuff on his grass and moved in while i watched my neighbor just watching him not pay rent he isn’t thrilled but doesn’t say a thing i think i’m sleeping with his wife

☹3

spreadsheet orchestra realities (very erotic)

earth and hell are separated by one letter i take pride in putting them together flesh and bone the arthritis in my hands pedigree calls for pedicure i hear you can now order one to your cubicle call the hr department take it out of your next paycheck sounds nice when the floor is open i demand privacy when the walls go up i cry intimacy now i stare at screens alone at the starbucks™ across the road (i don’t own a car) my fingernails are feathers my cuticles are dried blood my eyelashes are fire-tinged blonde americano’s my veins are (choose yr own adventure):

4☺

-yankee cannonball ‘coasters

-uber™ drivers running late

-coke head tap dance lessons

-end of quarter cold call sales

my eyes: dopamine they all get me where i need to go i was born into the silly socks i wear to never be satisfied with my hair so i’ll look up underrated destinations around the corner, this is a smoke-free environment when we can upload our consciousness into computers please put me in a excel™ pivot table that may or may not work

☹5

u, still

‘catching sunshine’ with the word ‘feelings’ crossed out on the bumper of yr mother’s sport utility vehicle splayed out in the back at some beach with a pier quick enough to chase the rays into the sea i cocoon into yr favorite fuzzy blanket re-assimilate into the world a mutant mothman chase light without consideration to the source (but god is it warm) you sit up dusty sand smile lines extend your wings of orange and blue and black take one look at the symmetry decide yr never coming back bug eyed baby i think i’m going crazy

6☺

side of a lil slice of paradise i just want to ask what they’re doing on their laptops and phones and tablets it’s the fourth of july and cloudless and san diego two o’clock in starbucks, on midway, even! it has to be something spectacular i know it a i’m-missing-a-holiday-and-refuse-to-feel-shameabout-it-bc-this-is-so-urgent kind of spectacular the dreamer i’ve stuffed into a locker in my brain projects that man? don’t look at that man don’t even think about him that man just sold his script to netflix™ reckon i won’t be seeing him around much no more her? a budding synth pop star heard she’s huge in scandinavia no time is ever wasted here we all go home to eager spouses rustic chic flats chrissy teigen recipes tomorrow i will speak at a university a university!!

☹7

he will be on a table read what do you call sacrifice that doesn’t pay off bc we wouldn’t know it not here for $3.45 we are all justified and perfect

8☺

missing trina’s for breakfast

she once told me she likes to cruise the 101 in eighteen pairs of sunglasses i responded that *ben affleck voice* i’m putting this whole town in my rearview enough times that it warranted a quota i told her that, too, was going in my rearview UGH she is sweet sweeter than trina’s waffles and whipped cream and taking friday off for no other reason than to Not Work her heart bursts inward like shy supernovas and she loves like high school reunions just before midnight and when it gets to that reckoning hour, lying under weighted blanket diatribes lucid spinning heavenly tops she feels the same and deserves to put it in her rearview (11/10 sorry!!!!)

☹9

cutting vegetables

cirque soleil™ is in town and the chili’s™ (hi welcome 2 chilis™) next door is busier than usual on an saturday too one of the line cooks never showed up and a meal went out warm but not hot and what kind of person buys a ticket to cirque soleil™ and chili’s™? i go home and try not to think about it we might be down a man tomorrow and the food is supposed to be hot and i’m googling who’s in town

10 ☺

champagne of beers

i dont know u i love u the idea of u (i know i know) 250 characters are enough 2 dismantle it common sense i didn’t ask for this!!! for ~feeeeling~ things to be born with (THANKS MOM AND DAD) but my face lit up seeing yrs i think it did the same but i’m not in the business of putting faith in others i don’t know my heart to joy bored of toys santas hamburglar helper help me out of this mess! imma dig a hole and bury my head in learned indifference but what would that do still crushing on u still too scared to challenge the idea risk arm’s length distance rejection? the idea of u is mine i keep it to myself it is nice? another miller high life please it is the champagne of beer

☹ 11

sympathy denied god the bars here play these 15 second videos of people falling and pranking and hurting themselves it’s almost sinister how well it gives your eyes a place to hide something something escapism i don’t know why i am here something something escapism again *i don’t know* don’t take things too seriously *ok* i’m told to never change it turns me starbucks™ green in the face i feel like advertising, another thing to worry about i’m told i’m a highly concentrated restivo like pollution at the end of the food chain because i write unrequited love letters to my anger because i am pulling punches because i wear my shame on my sleeve like thrift store check out lines because i get drunk and take off that flimsy shirt and Feel Free because i get asked to leave i’ve decorated my apartment in secondhand lives and painted myself in sympathy denied

12 ☺

may the fourth of july sipping my iced blonde americano by god lucas, you’ve done it bold aspirations do truly keep the heart young hell, the dive bar down the street even knows me by name and i shall n e v e r die did i mention it’s the fourth of july thx america i think imagine thinking you’re stronger than the sun the fucking sun? ^rt i shall never die tho i still jump at firework snaps with the apartment alone i get as high as my roommate’s pen allows it may die but i won’t he might get mad but i won’t the starbucks is, in fact, open today the nice bearded barista starts my drink before i order happy holidays, the machine clicks alone and stoned and i shall never die

☹ 13

yet the tall and handsome and well adjusted man is here today too in his athleisure wear i don’t think this crowd is for you bud but what do i know besides my immortality i will never die and you might not either for now we’re both stuck here sup my drink is cold sweating as i aim eye contact at glasses she might love me and not even know that i will never die i will order espresso long after bone turns to dust and the reptilian becomes us and when that day comes i’ll stare right into that big orange bowl of fruit my eyes will be grapes in the salad i will be swallowed whole down the street comforting bar seats *nodding* i will carry your message, sir so one day when they come back for us there will be a hole in space where we were once and they’ll see me with my shades on reflecting light to skin king of scraps the king is him and he shall never die

14 ☺

hikelife™ (complimentary app coming soon)

there’s a military man who moved from the bay area because what the heck does he know about snow?! and the price was right you know i’m cracking like a smile around weighted vests running miles and miles and miles chasing pretty and appropriate things i, too, am investing my fingernails dig for sand dollars there’s nothing better than a hike in the morning! sleeping in is so boring!! make a game of loose rocks and crunchy leaves keep your eyes to your feet i want to take blurry photos of beautiful things and to resist feeling treason posting them

☹ 15

alongside my pretty friends! they are as pretty as pretty flowers!!! they are the sweetest nectar!!!! they only drink designer!!!!! you have to see how eternal their smiles beam like the glow of every hidden treasure movie scene don’t forget to replace the weight when plundering

as a rule of toe-thumbs if it lasts longer, it must be a picture i’ll stare myself dumb as long as it gets clearer i’ll bury the old me at the end of hilly hike and dig him back up at premiere night

16 ☺

i tried 2 write a love poem

sympatico dear god no it’s old broken fort from the crusades or some other defense that escaped consequence now a tourist trap for couples who married in their early to mid twenties and have small children you are the sound of fresh paint against old walls or canon echos through decorated and empty halls or the wrecking ball through my gift shop i’m repackaging a violent past into something more educational maybe beautiful we have qr codes to scan and yr phone will tell you all about it the may gray june gloom are you bored here are you scared again what do you call seasonal depression that is every season i want to be not here i want to lay in bed all sunday and get high and watch netflix™ and not care with you what do you want do i want it too i don’t know what to do anymore and who the fuck are you autosave me google™ please

☹ 17

public face the second

i swear to god someone is going to walk in and light this fucking place up over a wrong size cup or taylor swift or something they saw on the internet no, dystopia isn’t measured by economies of scale it’s a world of a million microtraumas a cartoon walking on a floor of marbles forcing me to live my private fears in public places with the smiliest of faces beaming silver lifelines into headlines: kanye 2020 the rock for presidency that kid from class who told on you for doing your homework right before the teacher collected it for senate

18 ☺

the artisanal pie shop owner is the head of the pta i don’t get paid for leaning the other way the baseball coach makes a killing from running clinics cops are class traitors but also a couple nice kids i graduated with the town controller said my dad’s store is an institution i asked if i could play the 4th of july celebration sandusky & the kids got banned from the battle of the bands which i think means they win everyone i know that works in an office has a better work ethic and is contributing and might even feel like me is today over yet

☚ 19

can u see me 2

i’m in the taking-up-hiking stage of loathing never been so productive i’m outsourcing myself to five-steps-for-achieving-your-goals™ observing others when i become a chore not ironic, a little oxymoronic far from iconic prolifically fraudulent i could make a killing in the fans of freud’s™ webstore i identify with fake trademarks i can interact with whatever’s responsible for internet discourse i can’t beat ‘em and i can’t really join ‘em my meter is meme-ified it’s 2018 and everything feels contrived what isn’t a trope there’s a thousand me’s i hope visible effort doesn’t play well and apathy looks like artistic control i’m in the business of selling vulnerability the profitable intersection of pseudo-transparency and ostentatious accessibility whatever’s living in the back of mind is behind on rent i can’t pay bills dissecting pedigree or creating brilliant marketing strategy for poetry ad nauseum ad infinitum buy something else

20 ☺

desert daydreams

phoenix in my veins and tempe in my brain i’m passing out in the walmart™ parking lot i smoke myself to sleep and blame it on the heat because my father apologizes for the gifts he’s given me: he knows nothing is free and my slogan speak might just be good gratuity for a difficult order my mother dreams of stopping bullets with her feet it makes sense to me i want to see beyond treetop skies and the buildings embalming i-95 beyond passports and paths and paper mache structures i want to see every piece in the mosaic no fuck the goddamn fucking dickhead bigger picture fuck in 8th grade mr. lusas put us into teams each with the same amount of paper clips and bolts and popsicle sticks with the goal to build the slowest falling parachute out of a grocery bag my team resurrected market basket™ pterodactyl wings and i raced it to the top of the stairs the winning team just put the supplies in the bag and dropped it and let them all fall out because the rules never said you couldn’t now mr. lusas waves the buses in and out of the school parking lot while i wave to the grudges i’ve held and will hold i just want to stop leaning on the word ‘just’ in my poems

☹ 21

grilled cheese love

a bug in amber i would trap myself in a dream if it were old sundays at your place with nothing but endless wine and olive oil and love that flowed from your eyes into my glass and plate and mine now it’s what i fear others see dilating, narrow, and so small it keeps the light out for me and don’t you dare move towards it i can’t not think about the longing it will press against my chest like a spatula against buttered bread after school or a million little knives prodding and trapped under skin like the broken chips i stab into sandwiches that you laugh at i won’t forget a napkin for the crumbs or for when i laugh myself to tears because the world has stopped turning god just say it i know you want to it ends there i said it there’s no rubric for the pep talks to yourself when it’s in sight i’m trying to get some sleep, i have work in the morning you know who night is related to there’s no cliche in my brain that can make this end the way i want i just miss you already

22 ☺

choice theory

a plastic pressure cooker is boiling over in a potluck of pension funds i take a scoop because this is what i want if winston churchill can raise an army then why shouldn’t i? if the man on the street can get a good night sleep in the rain then why do i stay inside? if there’s one dimension between them and me then why are my metaphors so contrived? chalk it up to middle class malaise my most convenient escape i’m a product of circumstance!!!! glad we got to the bottom of that

☹ 23

but late at night you tuck me in and hug me tight i forget about transitive property unearned anxiety who i want to be if the familiarity of wrongness is what it means to feel human i hope it at least pushes me towards goodness but until then i’ll only eat my veggies in burger form and step into the cold if i know it’s warm

24 â˜ş

good for running

contact lenses of the future! hypertronic vision and menus and round-edge screens!

My Shitty Cornea upgraded with tremendous foresight freemium but pay the premium to see yourself how others see you problem, reveal thyself ! universe, collapse thyself !! show more than the keyhole light open the door without checking the peephole so when she asks what those are shoes doing for me i’ll say they’re good for running and she will repeat herself and i will probably buy new shoes sometime next week

☹ 25

alphabet cereal

cerebral alphabet cereal black ink ring rounds the scope shrubbery rubbery latex melancholy beep boop oh ohhhh queued queueing popcorn clueing bring the boogieman back to you it’s me not you apparently bend the knee fall on the sword again or some other reference making a murderer making a martyr trying to get smarter feel better for me plz

26 â˜ş

or don’t what does the frog envy does the bird get tired of flapping are they friends is an aerial attack cheap do you feed vomit should i burrow find another whipping post to scratch your back i want to nap or step into traps without narration write without hesitation do you ever think of me or just about me

☚ 27

adventureland 2

the last time she said i was like an amusement park that had closed down or gone out of business and i blamed it on the economy or being tired or something what if you only get one chance at this? or worse what if i only get one chance at this? what if nothing else will ever make me feel it? what if i get a house i can’t fall asleep in? next to someone i love but i’m not in love with? the only thing i know in life is that it’s a mystery that’s the best i could describe it to billy when he wanted qualifications i can’t explain it other than a really happy looking couple with a whole lot of vices were the only ones to tell me i should’ve kept fighting

28 ☺

psychosis

back on my teenage shit i’m a ~writer~ tired of narratives it’s unimportant truth is repetition* what does it matter i’ll commision a study to prove it doesn’t you can do the opposite while i watch commercials for xanax™ and try to forget what i learned in college target marketing push and pull strategy ubiquity and unraveling i see ghosts in the night and they all have faces like mine covered in silk and caressing my arms whispering nothing but this can only go so far i’m awake the starlight fills my room and traces zodiac signs onto my forehead i’m bored again

☹ 29

god is a jeweler

i went to a pawn shop and the guy working asked if i knew why we have ten fingers i didn’t he said it’s because god is a jeweler

30 ☺

bliss bath laying on your well-done mattress bathing in the bliss of sudden undesire while you scratch stickers off bedposts like a cat that hasn’t caught a mouse in awhile i remember the feeling so softly i see now with such clarity children fiddling for light switches in the dark in opposite ends of the room until they collide and think they’re being mugged so they run

☹ 31

mania zania see u in albania

dinners in the crock pot again catching myself counting time planning plans of viral eateries selling can do attitudes artisanal soup should we

when the night is dark i light up like old transformers and spend the rest of tomorrow hiding in corners someone from school looked at my profile haven’t heard from them in awhile

a stranger told me to invest in the titanic 2™ and in property and america™ i told him i already have a job he said it’s time to unstuck yourself i told him that’s intrusive it’s time to make money i told him i only wonder who’ll care about me on sundays

32 ☺

my problems are zits my problems are nothing i know nothing living my word against the world’s

all i need is my family my loving idiots saturday afternoons a blank google sheet crescent moons Money

☚ 33

ode to brain rot

it’s like a tweet you didn’t send but in your head ode to me brain rot my store bought lemon drop lobotomy sing 2 me pretty my induced disease bonky kong come back waluigi but with a nice rack mario tennis elblow job another life robbed steely dan cages nicholas plz steal the declaration and free the children the only ice thats getting abolished is up yr nose (you snort ice i think?) i’m mad and NO ONE cares

34 ☺

truth or dare its ladder month i fell and had a scare shoot yr shot slide in like avalanches i like my irony from corporations wendy so snarky ha ha

ha

buy a patty!! patty mayonnaise but a soundcloud rapper i love commercials support my patreon u kno i had to do it to em big oil with a green avi midwest mom thinks roseanne’s funny and right stick n poke me with a knife in the eye fat mike guy fieri but a crisis actor braver than the troops? joe rogan on fear factor?? pokemon go jump from a high surface eric andre drinking ranch with a higher purpose?

☚ 35

per·pe·tu·i·ty

when things get nice i get nervous caught up in looking for or losing sight of instead i glue my eyes to the one nail that fails and miss how the many chip away the hammer’s surface you can see it on its face it lacks what it feels it builds a house of many walls and a sturdy roof but inside it’s all concrete floors and itchy cotton candy and knowing i’m bad right now that the hardwood might not get started for awhile and i will not stop divertingmyselfdivertingmyselfdivertingmyself until it feels like this is who i am and who i am is endless a stone skipping so fast in the horizon you swear it will never stop

36 ☺

they say yr only making money when yr making money in your sleep so what does it mean if i’m awake and working and the rents due? plus i told my mother i’d consider buying a dresser because a suitcase is no place to keep yr underwear i consider consideration my most consistent currency like how one end of a circle stretches to meet the other so it can never end per·pe·tu·i·ty syn·chro·nic·i·ty how a snake must hunt to survive but can die choking on its tail

☹ 37

braceface

today i wore sunglasses like a forcefield and saw an ocean too scared to step out of the sun’s shine i wanted to go home and watch waterworld™

38 ☺

how can i fix what i cannot crack how many of my thoughts are kraft macaroni & cheese™ yes, i’m still watching i hate that i got braces

☹ 39

those pesky problems ha ha ha

what am i if not to u? have u seen the void? have u seen Being Consumed? watching myself swallow myself do u know this is nothing new caught up in uncharted space the back of yr mind ticks and waits knowing it will end and begin again soon who i am is who i have been and everything else changes

40 â˜ş

am me

i wanted to eat you like a scantron sheet for lunch like ms tuttle the ‘queen of mcas’ presiding over the holy dominion of b hall mcas being the ‘massachusetts comprehensive assessment system’ where no child gets left behind allegedly find closure in the closed pass like a grade the conclusion paragraph to an essay titled, ‘Cessation: How A Man Who Is Over His Past Finds Closure From His Past That He Is Over’ what a bummer got way more drunker maybe manically quite possibly should find out

probably

does that sound like i’m trying to validate my shitty behavior by hiding behind an actual medical condition when in reality i don’t know and is ‘manic’ even the right term?? how deep in meta can i implant myself before i lose you before any of this sounds the least bit sincere iamtrying gosh this is hard improve feel good improve feel good improve feel good up down up down up down up down meathead am me forever and ever

☹ 41

bored and boring

overly excited over socks relay the better me to pa four meals prepped in the fridge by friday i ubereat™ on monday i recommit to routine convinced i depend on it when i was 18 my teacher had me write a letter to my future self and she would mail it back at 22 i found it in the back of my closet all it said is ‘youth is still my best bet’ all i want for christmas is a toothbrush that’s electric

42 ☺

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☹ 43

ungood

i’ve drawn a line of string to a picture of my face on a corkboard of suspects of i’m out of these days these days? let me tell you about these days they are starting to feel the same spent searching for dots to connect and the means to disconnect i only self portrait in pointillism it’s the closest i can get away to drawing someone else while drawing myself

so let guilt chase me like it forgot its handkerchief on the first train out of town it wants me to have something to remember it by more importantly i want to rationalize if a good thing done for ungood reasons is still good in my eyes tell myself it’s about humanity, empathy while the quiet voices whisper quietly maybe i’ll do good for someone today

44 ☺

input / output

walking down familiar routes shaking off the daily grief companies don’t like me according to spreadsheets desperate feeling i ask her if her friend is single waiting for vibrations i may never feel or a combination of chemicals that invoke perfume commercials instead i forget my roommate’s birthday tomorrow is a work party avoid eye contact with strangers my brother is my anger manager i talk too much i don’t talk enough i walk my familiar route waiting for the pavement to lift off the street and carry me straight to heaven

☹ 45

my friend ito (if by some miracle yr reading this i hope u are okay)

my friend ito hangs around the same starbucks™ sketching doodles while i write sanitation screaming at ghosts i cannot see holding the door when he sees fitting he told me likes to read so i gave him my copy of mother night caught something familiar in his eye

the next time i saw him eyelids malfunctioned and words stuttered like a car out of gas he left the book at the laundromat

46 â˜ş

he hasn’t come back

☹ 47

storage wars the air is still dead i thought change is supposed to beget change like anger with anger like routine oh to feel the same my legs are tired catching up to myself sprinting to solutions i’d settle for simply a break in the tension that i’m internalizing i don’t believe in balance i want to hold my breathe i have to justify my dramatism with depth i can’t decentralize the universe i’m too busy scratching itches i think i want to write a script just to have something louder i want to rip a hole in space just to fill it with something when i die don’t bury me instead hide my body in a large storage facility so i can end up in somebody’s junk drawer i want to be on storage wars™

48 ☺

acupuncture for my reptilian overlords

i hate that snakes are famous for crawling out their skin because i don’t want to be a snake that pinpoints pain with poetic spin as if it justifies anything how my ends end and beginnings begin i want acupuncture but the opposite

☚ 49

i wrote this before drake released scary hours btw

shake off the day on an evening stroll in a beach town when the sun goes down the king can’t find his crown and i run with my neck craned from cars stumbling over cracks and spitting up tar

you can not believe the steal Cheersing and Connecting and Feeling Fine you can not believe it, again, look at the time lately i don’t feel much like fighting watching from the bar in worse lighting

committing and contributing like idiots!! thirty minutes from noise and urine and maybe getting stabbed even down the road from good mulch and church bells nothing can live on my skin anymore it’s my proudest victory reading a forbes™ listicle valuing college degrees

kiss your spouse, check your phone lay down in flowers of silk you’ve earned the privilege still i’ll be sitting roadside until the clock reads scary taking another from the take one leave one library

50 ☺

beach day at the edge of the universe

left brain obey laws right brain talk to god i’m cerebral miserable at my day job cosmic dust itching at my core sand in my shoes the more i try the harder to ignore jump to conclusions like bridges make up my own language take notes from the naked screaming man’s career path give me a map of every feel down to the very last detail i will scan my brain and chart the chemicals i will put it in a contemporary art museum

☹ 51

sun in the fun (thx bill)

in my apartment complex pool and the water is 1920s filmy silent and trying to be proud outwardly and the script is seeping into my pores drip drip dropping the beads of gradual change like chinese water torture or acupuncture all i want is a shower to feel Good Again to not worry about change at all!! and it’s continuity!!! please present, reengage me chaplin sweat is slapping me in the mouth i need to leave this pool behind

i’ve seen the man i can become and that frights and excites me though i’m not convinced my fear is just finding new ways to avoid responsibility so if the only constant is constant change i’ll hope for tomorrow the rest of today

52 ☺

mean in public

middle manager mouth eyes that scream productivity synergy non ironically scared happy account execs territory reps everything is important

☚ 53

the conductor

signed up for three go vavi sport & social club™ soccer leagues two at pacific beach elementary and another in ob he likes to have options play the possibilities it would look like 2 am highway thumbs if it didn’t look like strategy heaven forbid he plays along for a second he dot my i’s and crosses my t’s like he’s asking permission he want choices, clear, and laid on the bed in front of him he wants to dance because he loves to dance he’ll gnaw off his feet once he’s done with his hands if i could talk to him at 16 he’d be just as confused by my energy he’s not as hard on me he’d probably be proud of my wardrobe i’d tell him to stop taking it so slow! in seconds he’ll disperse in a puff of smoke ask him where did he go count the strokes i think i make him think i want to be alone stop conducting your jazz

54 ☺

twenty-five cents to the dollar

my hair’s growing longer and a little grey you really can’t help noticing it in the mirror i’m feeling nostalgic again unringed venn diagrams doodles in the sand watch them wash away there’s something universal about the sting of the atlantic self-staring again what good is a memory that fixates on extremes muddles the in-between i worry i’ll always long for something out of grasp for the times comfort found me like a child’s blanket before a nap

☹ 55

piecing puzzles in the sahara

connect with you like shifting corners, imprecise angles talk with intention that makes you uncomfortable because i’m not sure what it is either how my eyeline wrinkles after yours in some unspoken acknowledgement of the iridescent quicksand we’ve stepped in so i meet you with a smile wide enough to greet you at the front door and politely escort you out the back in the same motion if you don’t stop to think you might miss the magic trick and you’ll surely sink in the process

how i wish to be picked into pieces by you because no one truly loves a puzzle

56 ☺

i’ll title this ‘lenscrafters’ in hopes that they sue me and draw a lot of attention to my book

the upstairs neighbors push the couch around to cover spots on the carpet some nights i mistake it for thunder other nights it just keeps me up happiness is the lens through which we view the world i’m still looking for my old kaleidoscope i left it in boston and i now cherish the sound of rain at night like heartstruck early 2000s romantic comedies like c’mon man who really does that broken microscope old plane tickets and poorly aged hand-me-down graphic tees *the best part about having alzheimer’s is i don’t have alzheimer’s* what kind of lens sees the world as just fine? i’m staring holes through it i think the hubble telescope is in my brain set on distant galaxies swallowed by black holes in front of me i’m so very clumsy i’m smooth as a shark at the bottom of the ocean tripping over treasure that isn’t there with the entire world in front of me if i could just float to the surface

☹ 57

unwant

i have to wake up now otherwise my alarm might wake my roommate up he works nights and i have to feel awake by 9 or at least try to i have to wake up now or i’ll eat dinner at eight (bad for the diet) if time is money i owe it to myself to choose at least one of my responsibilities i have to wake up now even if it’s not what i want all i want is to unwant or feel like i don’t have to have to do anything or change my ringtone

58 ☺

american leash co.

i’m collecting newsprint i’m drinking i’m subscribing i’m curated i want to see what you can raise from the dead and package with such spirited spirituality i’m far from sold lie to me harder i’ve read the script and it’s filled with holes called ‘market opportunity’ i’m falling where the invisible hand cannot catch me has the core been hiding at the top all along? i’m not scared of heights i don’t like the views when jesus beckons i might not pay attention but also i might what will you do then? i’m russian red with anger and my capillaries are bursting like google map directions from the bird’s eye america my mother would say my tongue turns black when i lie

☹ 59

i wish i could

i dreamt of you last night you were with annie and may and loretta and so many friends i didn’t recognize sitting in a mall food court eating neapolitan style pizza red mouth smiles you were laughing you were laughing you were living you were talking, freely loudly recalling holding her hand you told me to stay

60 â˜ş

am i dumb if i acknowledge it

i went to a show and felt frustrated bc i felt like i needed to take and post a picture of it so i wrote this long dumb poem about how stupid the whole predicament is which i have since scrapped, for aforementioned reasons anyways, i ended up posting the pic u can see it on my instagram @restivo27

☚ 61

apple picking at myself everything good is bad when you think about it long enough how can i relax when i can do other stuff what’s the price of productivity? the cost? banking my sanity on there being a difference between them on a need 2 know basis oh how can i know anything for sure my narrator is unreliable and my will is fresh fruit falling off a dying tree he’s telling me it’s my cure he’s telling me it needs to ferment first he’s telling me to let it rot

62 ☺

more food metaphors everybody

my friend said the future is violent turn any belief inside out and you’ll find it mirroring yourself i think i’m afraid to cut my hair to feel the barber’s blade finding skin the markets down i know he’s distracted that’s it if the past is competing ideas are we a dusty, roving cartoon brawl-ball? so comically mobile if the future is for those who take it i’ll drink coffee in the morning at night a cocktail of charm and wit i’ll fake it

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from the desk of lou: scribbling in notebooks beside homework i choose to forget next to the nice man who reads now that he has his disability came in still internalizing the tone of your voice on the phone despite missing at least 60% of the intent i like to spend a long time making a big mess i’ll do it again the child hasn’t left raking the backyard into a big ole pile to jump in i know you know i’m sorry i still feel there is a debt to pay and i hate that i feel in money metaphors that i only forgive myself for closure they say love unlocks an otherwise unattainable self but i can’t handle the permeability that necessary level of affecting others while still under the covers

to every person i’ve impacted due to selfishness i’m sorry i won’t do it again until i do it again

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banzai

heaven is banzai echoing in your head and 20 dollars in the songkick™ sitting next to rick ordering the usual from my favorite scribbling on napkins falling asleep with a dream again

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