Liquid Life Featured Columnist Mona Zutshi Opubor
Drinks for One
Years ago–desperate for something entertaining to write for this magazine-I embarked upon a juice fast. I limited my diet to beverages for a week, and it was a mistake. I trembled my way through a few miserable days before quitting. Green juice seems virtuous when other people drink it, but it’s not my thing. I prefer solid food. Chewing may even be my hobby.
Recently a guy messaged me on WhatsApp from the juice bar I patronised all those years back. As soon as his first message blew up my phone, I blocked his number. I know that blocking first and asking questions later is a bold move, but hear me out. Why would he contact me after so many years? I have no memory of this man. I didn’t even know his number was saved in my contacts. I used to be friendlier, but over time, I have become guarded. Part of it is growing older. When I was young and attractive, people adored me. Maybe they thought there was a possibility of romance or that they could hitch their wagon to my shooting star. But my star shot as far as my living room, where you can find me in a nightgown at 4:00 p.m., listening to my son complain and my dogs bark. I am a crone now, and others only want one thing from me. There is a trickle down economy in this world we inhabit, and I am meant to sponsor those I encounter, so they can prosper. But I would prefer not to engage with most people beyond essential exchanges, particularly ones whom I do not already know. Small talk is not my forte. Why is everyone in Lagos so comfortable asking after family members and discussing the weather? Whenever I run into an acquaintance, I want to skip the pleasantries and tell them shameful secrets. I want to tell them about the time I farted in the bathtub when I was a kid and how my brother’s brothe friend still calls me “Bloop,” the sound my gas made as it bubbled to the surface. I want strangers to tell me deeply
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personal things about themselves. Don’t say you’re fine. Explain why you hate your boyfriend or describe the wart shaped like Sweden on your mom’s bum or talk to me about the time you ate a cockroach on a dare. However, people don’t give me the juicy details I crave because–allegedly–it’s a weird and imbalanced way to behave. My distaste for traditional human interaction extends beyond conversation. When a security guard bum rushes me in a parking lot, desperate to fondle a car door that I have already opened, I panic. You don’t know this man, my body shrieks. He means you harm. My ancestral trauma anticipates rape, assault and murder. I can’t stand being around people who loom over me. This happens often in our megacity because I am 5 feet tall, and it always ends the same way: I am terrified. I would prefer if my husband handled conversing, money requests and stranger solicitations on my behalf. Yes, let’s make this our new policy. If you want something from me, send messages via Mr. Opubor. He has great comfort with other human beings and is compassionate, indifferent, generous or stingy, as the situation dictates. We have been together for over three decades, so my people skills are as hopeless as my ability to thrive on a diet of juice. That’s okay, though. I am leaning into being a misanthrope. Allow me to re-introduce myself: I am a nervous wreck who loves solid food, believes drinks should not be an entrée, and refuses to discuss anything with you, unless you are willing to share your most intimate, questionable information and vice versa.
Liquid Life
Top 5 DRINKS TO REFRESH YOU IN ABUJA’S HOT CLIMATE These 5 drinks will leave you feeling fresh amidst the hot weather. No matter the hassle that comes with your day-to-day affairs, having a refreshing drink makes it all worthwhile and relieves your stress.
Gusto Abuja’s New York Sour The New York Sour is a sophisticated blend of whiskey and red wine. It is visually appealing and just as nice in taste if you don’t mind a bit of sour.
Mambaah Cafe’s Zobo (Hibiscus) Frappe A Zobo Frappe is a delicious blend of your regular zobo properties with a slushy touch to it. It tastes heavenly and you will definitely feel refreshed starting with just a sip.
Frosty Pops’ Boba Tea For Boba Tea, you know you are in for a good chew, and it will be worth it. Every flavour is worthy of your money, and the icy experience is one you will need in this weather.
42 Adetokunbo Ademola Crescent, Wuse 2 t: 08096666344 IG: @gusto_abuja
Left Annex, Maitama Amusement Park t: 09114946984 IG: @mambaahcafe
1 Konoko Crescent, Wuse 2 t: 07038365284 IG: @frostypops_ice
The Wine Barrel’s Wine Options Just by the name, you know they are connoisseurs in the art. All your wine treats can come through here.
Lomo Coffee’s Pineapple Cobbler This cobbler offers all the zest you need in one cup with the awesome combination of lime, mint, pineapple and everything nice.
990 Sterling Bank Boulevard, behind Fraser Suites, Central Area t: 09085181969 IG: @thewinebarrelng
107 Ebitu Ukiwe Street, Jabi t: 07083222212 I G: @lomoabujang
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