Picking a fight with all the local mallrats •

T b e King of Prussia Mall and I b a v e never been good friends.

CHRIS VESCI The firSt time we met I got lost inside of its sweltering and crowded confines. I made a few nasty remarks about its imposing exterior appearance, wondering if it sits on more land than Philadelphia International Airport does. I bad trouble finding basic things such as soap and toothpaste, while the mall chose to flash extravagant cookware and thousand dollar sunglasses in my face.

Shopping is not one of my favorite pastimes, but I don't mind it if I can get in and out fairly quickly. But that seldom happens here where I am a prisoner in the depths of my nemesis, the Titanic of malls. It's enormous, gaudy and over packed with both products and people. Destination: Extravagance. (That is, if the ship doesn't run aground first.)

When I walk King of Prussia's boundless passageways, I always come across the mall directory, which displays an organized outline of the complex and the millions of stores teeming within. This is my enemy's battle plan-my enemy has the audacity to flash this before me. I'm losing this war, folks.

Always present at these signs is the confused congregation of the damnedrefugees hoping that Moses will lead them home, I suppose. Yes, they are all damned, for they cannot find that simple shoe store or CVS in this collision of grandeur.

Sitting on a bench to take a breather is like watching a chain reaction accident on the Blue Route. One appalling thing happens after another. A group of people play stuff the elevator.A pack of bickering teens bumps into whomever they please. An inattentive mother lets her toddler run loose to be snatched up by any creepy stranger.

Much of the King of Prussia Mall's spe- cialty is frivolous fluff. This includes a Barbie boutique which offers thousands of versions of the busty blonde, such as Dr. Barbie, Nurse Barbie, Dentist Barbie and Orthodontist Barbie. The golf store proudly displays that popular board game Monopoly Golf in its already crowded window.

Even the normal stores are somehow perverted. The pet store is assorted with the most depressed dogs I've ever seen. (Note that these animals are not given adequate chewing toys and often chew on themselves or on the cage doors.) It also features birds-manic little finches and parrots that have been fondled, no doubt, by every little spoiled suburbanite.

And, as if one over priced CD retailer is not enough, there are two Walls.

Might I add that for the nation's largest shopping complex, King of Prussia boasts some absurdly narrow promenades-yet another weapon that this great aggressor employs against me.

In all seriousness, however, my current events professor once handed us a study conducted by Phillip Harter of Stanford Uni- versity. Basically, it personifies the world's hunger and poverty statistics. Did you know 70 percent of our planet is illiterate and 50 percent is malnourished? Can you imagine how many homeless people we could fit into that mall? But such projects are seldom undertaken if profit is not involved.

Are we a logical species when we build billion dollar super structures for the privileged few that can use them? No, of course we are not logical, and this is a capitalistif society, I know. Just keep on buying those Nike shoes and Hillfiger coats, and they'll keep building these mega-malls. K-Mart anyone?

Chris Vesci was the assistant copy editor of Loquitur. In November of 1999, he disappered in the mall near King of Prussia while writing a commentary. On Tuesday, his commentary was found.