Stockton Local Answer Issue 28

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Issue 28 July 2012

Answer

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Are you ready for the digital TV revolution?

Unless you’ve been on Mars for the last four years, you’ll be aware that TV services in the UK are currently being converted to completely digital. The work is being undertaken on a region by region basis when the existing analogue TV signal will be switched off and replaced with a new, stronger digital TV signal. This can be achieved through an aerial (Freeview), satellite, cable or broadband and will give everyone a greater choice of TV channels and new features such as on-screen listings, interactivity, audio description and subtitling for people with visual and audio impairments. There are also many optional additional channels like Geographic, Movies, Food and Sports.

to your rooftop aerial. In some cases your aerial may need upgrading. With Freeview most people will receive over 40 TV channels depending on the area in which you live.

Freeview also offers a High Definition service. While the HD service is subscription-free you will nevertheless need a Freeview HD digital box or Freeview+ HD digital TV recorder and connect it to an HD ready TV set. Freeview HD will give viewers access to four subscriptionfree (HD) channels from the public service broadcasters (BBC, ITV, and Channel 4), in addition to up to 40 Freeview channels in Standard Definition (SD). Many digital boxes and digital TVs have a parental lock The Main reason for the switchover is that facility which enables you to control which Digital TV uses less broadcast space, giving channels can be viewed. Freeview is a great more room for new services such as wireless choice if you're on a limited budget, don't broadband, local TV and High Definition want to get tied into a subscription package, Television (HDTV). The only disadvantage or if you simply don’t want more than the for the consumer is that if you don’t already basic channels it provides. have a digital TV you will need to convert your set to digital before your area’s Existing Freeview viewers will be required switchover date. In this area that date is to retune their set-top box after the switch September 12th. over. This is done by following the onscreen instructions via the menu/setup button.

To help you decide which service is best for you we have put together some facts about Time is running out, so if you don’t want to the available options. In this issue we are be without your TV in covering the Freeview options and next September you need to month we’ll discuss the rest. make a move. There are plenty of local Freeview is the cheapest way to get a basic experts who digital TV package with a one-off payment will help you for the digital set-top box or digital TV and to make the no monthly subscription. Standard digital right decision boxes start from around £20. Integrated and have you digital TVs (iDTV), that have Freeview set up in built-in, are available from around £150. plenty Freeview+ - Freeview’s digital TV recorder of time!

September 1 2th 2012 - allows you to record one channel whilst watching another, pause live TV and record your favourite programmes at the touch of a button. Freeview equipment is installed by connecting to your existing TV and rooftop aerial or by connecting the digital TV direct Page 4

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How You Know If You’re Getting Old! For those among you who have not only reached but gone a long way past the birthday that defines whether you are either ‘upper middle aged’ or decidedly ‘old’ here are a few pointers that could enable you to defy the mathematics of the situation and decide you’re not so old, after all!

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' & you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'…

Or your friends compliment you on your new crocodile shoes and you're barefoot...

Or a sexy girl walking past your house catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door...

Or going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face...

Or you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along...

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Or you are told to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police...

Or 'getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot...

Or an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom...

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the vicar asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The vicar then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.

It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "In that case, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninetyeight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived the buggers."

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How’s Your IQ?

Answers on page 27

Test your general knowledge with a teasing little examination of your IQ. See how well you do!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.

But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers 1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the entire paragraph.

Sudoku There is really only one rule to Sudoku: Fill in the game board so that the numbers 1 through 9 occur exactly once in each row, column, and 3x3 box. The numbers can appear in any order and diagonals are not considered.

Your initial game board will consist of several numbers that are already placed. Those numbers cannot be changed. Your goal is to fill in the empty squares following the simple rule above.

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Murphy’s Law

Have you ever wondered about the whole concept of ‘Murphy’s Law’ and how it came into being? A bit of research produced the following. It was apparently named after Capt. Edward A.Murphy, an engineer working on an Air Force project designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.

One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrongly, he cursed the technician responsible and said, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.”

The contractor’s project manager kept a list of this type of “law” and added this to it, naming it ‘Murphy’s Law.’ Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name. Although he never published his full list of laws, we believe it would have read something like this:1. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that does will be the one that will cause most damage.

2. The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

3. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.

5. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

6. Whenever you set out to do a job, there’s always something else that has to be done first.

7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

8. When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.

10. Smile... tomorrow could be worse!

11. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

14. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

15. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

16. A camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.

Coffee break humour A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ‘ Low

Bridge Ahead.’ Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver, ‘Got stuck, eh?’ The lorry driver looked down at him and said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’

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Great “quotations” Great quotations from famous people:

‘As you get older three things happen.

The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two’... Actor Sir Norman Wisdom ‘It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous’…Writer Robert Benchley ‘What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left’…. Oscar Levant ‘I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is if they don’t know who you are, how do they find out who your dentist is?’ …..Paul Merton ‘You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson that should teach you is never try’ … Homer Simpson ‘At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual’….. Patrick Moore ‘I don’t care to belong to a club that would have somebody like me as a member.’ ….. Groucho Marx ‘I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three’’…. George Burns ‘My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch’. …. Jack Nicholson ‘I can resist everything except temptation’….. Oscar Wilde Page 12

‘A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give the eulogy’. .. Jerry Seinfield ‘Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source’…… David Frost ‘Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with more than one million gags, and he still couldn’t make me laugh’. …

Eddie Murphy ‘A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.’ W.C. Fields ‘I saw a notice that said “Drink Canada Dry” and I’ve just started’….. Brendan Behan

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Gardening Tips for July Essential Jobs Checklist For July

Prune shrubs that have flowered and feed them Take cuttings from many shrubs and alpines Water containers every day in hot weather Water borders if necessary, then mulch Clear excess pondweed Plant leeks and winter brassicas Prune trained fruit trees Spray roses and feed Dead-head perennials and annuals unless you want to save seed

Lawns

 Hopefully, all that hard work you did in the spring will have paid off, and your lawn will be looking green and velvety. If not, there’s still time to use any of the wide range of weedkillers, mosskillers and feeds. You should continue to feeds your lawn, and try to mow it twice a week if you can, though once a week will be OK. Don’t add the clippings to the compost heap for the first few weeks after applying weedkillers.

Green House

 Never let your grow-in bags go short of water as you may find it hard to rewet them thoroughly  Plants in pots may need watering every day, and should be fed once a fortnight with a liquid feed  If whitefly and red spider mite are proving a problem, it is now possible to obtain biological controls, which can be used this month.  Tomatoes should start fruiting this month. Keep the plants well supported and remove side shoots regularly. Use Liquid Tomato Feed every week to ensure a bumper crop.

Vegetable Garden

 Carry on sowing salad crops outside. French beans can also be sown at the beginning of the month for a late crop.  Onions will need a lot of water at this time of year or the yield will be greatly reduced.  Weeds will compete for every drop of water, so keep on hoeing around your vegetables to keep weeds at bay  Complete planting out young leeks

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Flower Garden

 Carry on pruning shrubs that flowered in spring and early summer, and then feed them with an all-purpose plant food. It’s worth watering well and mulching them even at this stage in the year.  Cut down the stems of bearded iris now that the blooms have faded. If the clumps are very congested dig them up and divide, cutting the rhizomes at a joint. Trim back the leaves to 15 cm (6 inches). Replant in ordinary garden soil with a bit of horticultural grit added, and water in. Continue to water until established.  Pinch out chrysanthemum shoot tips to encourage them to branch and produce more flowering stems.  Remove seeds heads of annuals to encourage the plant to produce more flowers  If your dahlias aren’t growing very strongly, give them a boost with Tomato Plant food every 10-14 days.  Some early-flowering perennials, particularly lupins and delphiniums, can be encouraged to produce a second, smaller, flush of flowers if you cut the stems right down and apply a liquid feed.  Take cuttings of non-flowering shoots from many shrubs, putting them round the edge of small pots of compost. Water them in and keep warm but out of direct sun. Cuttings can also be taken of pinks.  This is the best month to trim hawthorn hedges. If you cut them earlier they need another trim, but if you leave it any later the growth will be very tough and hard to cut.

Containers

 Water containers every day in hot weather. Hanging baskets can be watered twice a day if you’ve got them time and energy. Feed all containers once a week with either liquid tomato feed or all-purpose plant feed.

Fruit Garden

 Trained fruit trees, such as cordons, fans, dwarf pyramids and espaliers should be trimmed of any unwanted shoots this month  Harvest blackcurrants as soon as they ripen. Growth being made now will produce next year’s crop so keep bushes watered in dry weather and give them a handful of all-purpose plant food Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | July 2012

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A few things the movies have taught us.

As an avid cinema-goer, my friend was discussing some of the more important lessons he had learned from watching films all his life. As we talked it became apparent that they were lessons we had all subconsciously learned and that perhaps we should list them. See how many you agree with.

In the movies.....

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red readouts to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4. Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilisation.

5. Every single person in a martial arts film has a black belt in karate.

6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7. 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10. The entire British population lives in London.

11. It doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12. In musicals’ everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13. When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

14. The best way to get shooting practice in a western is to circle your wagons, hide behind them and then shoot at the Indians who will ride round and round without actually attacking you.

8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

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DOMESTIC OVEN CLEANING

As a member of The Association Of Approved Oven Cleaners we will deep clean your oven following the association cleaning & saftey guidlines Member of The Assocation of Approved Oven Cleaners. www.ovencleaning.net

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• We call post clean to ensure satisfaction

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Tel 01642 466694 Mob: 07967 590572 Unit 2, Stapylton Court, Bolckow Ind. Est. Grangetown

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Watson’s EXECUTIVE TRAVEL

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BUDDY HOLLY – a Legend Reborn Star of stage and screen, Sixties icon Jess Conrad OBE is coming to our region as special guest in the forthcoming Buddy Holly – a Legend Reborn show at Darlington Civic Theatre on Thursday 13th September.

He went on tour the world with the biggest rock’n’roll stars of the day – Gene Vincent, Brenda Lee, Johnny Kidd, Eden Kane, Billy Fury, Marty Wilde and Joe Brown to name but a few.

Jess, discovered on legendary early Sixties TV show Oh Boy! and a chart topper of that time with his singles Mystery Girl, Cherry Pie and This Pullover, went on to forge a successful career on the silver screen and the West End stage.

During the Seventies Jess made the transition from pop star to stage star, playing Jesus in Godspell and Joseph in the original Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

“In 1960, I won the original X-Factor, TV’s legendary Oh Boy!,” says Jess. “Produced

by Jack Good, the Simon Cowell of the time, viewers wrote in to choose their favourites.”

A distinguished list of world-famous recording artists came second best to the irrepressible Jess on the show including: Billy Fury, Marty Wilde, Joe Brown, Adam Faith and Gene Vincent and Eddie Cochran.

“I was fortunate enough to be regarded as a teen idol, an incredible time I’ll remember forever” says Jess. A particularly proud moment came in 1961. “I was voted the Most Popular Male Singer in the New Musical Express’ annual poll and went on the play the most prestigious venues of the time – the London Palladium, Royal Albert Hall and Wembley Pool.”

Page 20

A regular face on national TV over the years, Jess has also enjoyed a successful career as a movie star, appearing in no less than 25 feature films.

“I have to say the strangest experience of my career came when appearing in the box office hit Telstar in 2008,” says Jess.

“Appearing as artist agent Larry Parnes I found myself playing opposite Nigel Harman, himself portraying a young Jess Conrad!”

Today, Jess tours the world with his own concert show and has agreed to appear on a select number of dates with the famous Buddy Holly – a Legend Reborn stage production.

Show producer: Michael Taylor says: “We’re thrilled an original rock’n’roll legend will be joining us for the forthcoming production.

“Buddy Holly – a Legend Reborn stars the UK’s number one Buddy, Marc Robinson, backed by a band reminiscent of the Crickets in their Fifties’ heyday.

Buddy Holly Stars in their eyes winner – Marc Robinson performs classic hits such as Peggy Sue, That’ll Be The Day, Oh Boy and more!

Michael advises music fans to book early. “It’s an authentic slice of rock ’n’ roll nostalgia that ensures Buddy’s incredible legacy of unforgettable hit songs lives on. Purchase your tickets now, that’ll be a very special day, guaranteed!”

To buy tickets contact: DARLINGTON CIVIC THEATRE Thursday 13th September 2012- 7.30pm Parkgate, Darlington, Durham, DL1 1RR ~ Tickets: £21.50 Concs: £19.50 Box office: 01325 486 555 www.darlingtonarts.co.uk www.easytheatres.com

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Win Tickets to BUDDY HOLLY – a Legend Reborn We have teamed up with the promoters of the spectacular live concert show Buddy Holly – a Legend Reborn to give one lucky reader the chance of winning a pair of tickets to see the spectacular production at Darlington Civic Theatre on Thursday 13th September.

The famous Buddy Holly – A Legend Reborn show comes to Darlington fresh from sell-out shows throughout the UK. .

Buddy Holly – A Legend Reborn is an authentic slice of rock ’n’ roll nostalgia that ensures Buddy’s incredible legacy of unforgettable hit songs lives on, bringing to life classic muchloved songs such as Peggy Sue, That’ll be the Day and Oh Boy. Buddy Holly – A Legend Reborn features Marc Robinson, clutching a Fender Stratocaster, sporting a pair of heavyrimmed glasses, and sounding exactly like Buddy in his heyday.

Win tickets to see the show. Answer this simple question: Buddy Holly – a Legend Reborn features a special guest appearance by which original Sixties icon?

Send your answer on a postcard with your name, address, email address and daytime phone number to: Local Answer, Buddy Holly – a Legend Reborn Competition, Unit 205, The Innovation Centre, Kirkleatham Business Park, Redcar. TS10 5SH. Closing date: 21st July.

Prize will go to the first correct entry drawn on (22nd July). There is no cash alternative. Terms & Conditions apply. Editor's decision is final. Tickets are non-transferable.

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• House Extensions

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Great Food Ideas For Olympic Parties!

Why not make the most of this spectacular Olympic summer by throwing a party and cooking something different for your guests. Try these great ideas for both BBQ and oven. Your guests will love them!

Sticky Chicken Drumsticks. Ingredients: 8 chicken drumsticks: 2 tablespoons of soy sauce: 1 tablespoon of honey: 1 tablespoon of olive oil: 1 tablespoon of tomato puree: 1 tablespoon of Dijon Mustard. Make 3 slashes on each of the drumsticks. Mix together the soy, honey, oil, tomato purée and mustard and pour over the chicken, coating thoroughly. Leave to marinate for 30 minutes at room temperature or overnight in the fridge. Heat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Tip the chicken into a shallow roasting tray and cook for 35 minutes, turning occasionally, until the chicken is tender and glistening with the marinade. This marinade is also delicious with pork. Try marinating spare ribs and slow-roasting them until the meat is sticky and falling off the bone.

Pork Sausages with Marmalade. Ingredients: Pork sausages and marmalade.

Oven cook or barbecue the sausages. Take them off the heat, brush liberally with marmalade and return to the heat for about 2 minutes until the glaze is hot. A really different but delicious way to serve the humble sausage!

Barbecued Mackerel with Fennel and Orange Salad. Ingredients: 4 ultra-fresh mackerel, scaled, gutted and heads removed: 2 fennel, trimmed and thinly sliced: 6 oranges, peeled and segmented: 3tbsp olive oil: juice 1 lemon. Try and get fresh mackerel fillets if you can. Put the fish skin side up on a chopping board, flatten it with the back of your hand then turn it over. Brush lightly with oil, season and barbecue for a few minutes each side or until cooked through. Mix together the fennel and orange segments with the olive oil, lemon juice and some seasoning. Serve with the fish. An ideal barbecue recipe because cooked indoors the smell of the fish tends to linger! It’s delicious, all the same.

Spicy Prawns. Ingredients: 18-24 tiger prawns: Wedges of Lemon: For the marinade:3 tbsp vegetable oil: Juice and zest of ½ a lemon: 3 cloves of garlic, roughly chopped: ¼ tsp chilli flakes: a pinch of curry powder: salt and freshly ground black pepper. Whisk together all the ingredients for the marinade, add salt and pepper to taste. Add the whole prawns, shell-on, cover and marinate in the fridge for 30 minutes. Carefully thread the prawns on to pre-soaked bamboo skewers, three or four to a skewer. Grill over medium-hot coals for no longer than three minutes per side, until the prawns are just pink and opaque. Serve immediately, with wedges of lemon. Gorgeous!

To Advertise in The Local answer call: 01642 777707 Deadline for the next edition 20th July Page 22

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Page 24

July 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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If you have any signs or symptoms then contact you local GP. For more information visit

www.nhs.uk

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Page 25

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Great Golfing Stories With the British Open Golf Championship fast approaching we were delighted to receive a selection of excellent golfing stories in a recent postbag. We thought you might like them!

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for minute, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular and your name is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.

The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father.

How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."

Page 26

Police were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?" The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

July 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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It Might Be A Long, Hard Winter But We Still Have A Lot To Look Forward To!

We all look forward to the release of the new season’s fixtures and to be fair, a start at Barnsley looks quite promising. But when you start looking at the next few on the list it really does make you realize that this Championship is going to be harder than ever. The three that have come down are all going to be tough. Blackburn are previous Premiership Champions, Wolves have a habit of bouncing straight back and Bolton have been Premiership stalwarts for years. Add to that the fact that Blackpool still play great football, Cardiff are as strong as ever, Sheffield Wednesday and Leeds are very competitive Yorkshire rivals and Leicester are improving all the time under Nigel Pierson and you can see we can take absolutely nothing for granted in the forthcoming months.

So far, though it looks as though Tony Mowbray is addressing some of the problems we had last season. The signing of Grant Leadbitter from Ipswich is an obvious replacement for the strength of last year’s player of the year Barry Robson, but with Argentinian Emmanuel Ledesma hopefully about to become his second signing of the summer he is obviously trying to bring some creativity to midfield. There’s a long way to go yet, though and it will be interesting to see how many of last year’s squad are still there at the start of the season.

In the meantime there’s the small matter of the British Olympic Squad and hopefully the two most famous names in football – Brazil and David Beckham - to look forward to. Brazil has been the country that over the years has been the consistent shining light in world football and whatever level the team is playing in they are always great to watch. The size of crowd and the enthusiasm generated in the recent under England 21 game at the Riverside was obviously a factor in ensuring ‘Boro got this prestigious friendly and I for one will be chuffed if David Beckham is indeed part of the team that night. In my opinion he deserves this final accolade for the loyalty and devotion to the England cause he has shown throughout his career and it would be truly wonderful if he could make a telling contribution to a gold medal winning campaign.

So much to look forward to even before the season begins!

Lakes Limousines Introducing The Pink Lady Available For All Occasions Day Or Night 8 Seat Limousine

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Visit our new website at www.lakes-limos.co.uk Page 28

July 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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FIRST IMPRESSIONS BLOCK PAVING

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Prices are based on leaflets printed on 150gsm silk coated paper. All leaflets are lithoprinted. Price includes delivery to one UK address. Folded leaflets, business cards, business stationary and other paper weights available. Price with design does not include the price of any photographs which require purchasing. VAT May be applicable. Prices correct as of April 2012

Media Solutions NE Ltd - Telephone: 01642 777707 Follow us on facebook for special offers and promotions www.facebook.com/Local.Answer

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Page 29

INDEX OF ADVERTISERS Aerials (TV) ADI Digital Aerials . . . . . . . . . Page 28 Digital Media Solutions . . . . . Page 27 MWC Services . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Alarms & CCTV 1st Fix Electrical . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Appliance Repair Eaglescliffe Domestic . . . . . . Page 17 Architect Merlin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 21 Artificial Grass STM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Bathrooms Rubberduck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 23 Beauty Supplies HairOrder . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Bedrooms Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . . . Page 9 Block Paving First Impressions . . . . . . . . . . Page 29 Builders Christopher Micheal . . . . . . . Page 19 Steves Joinery . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Unique Builders . . . . . . . . . . . Page 32 Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . . . Page 9 Car Bodyshop Revive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Caravan Parks Lythe Caravan . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Carpet & Upholstery Cleaning Rise & Shine . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Computer Training Compupal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Conservatories Discount Windows . . . . . . . . Page 18 Decking Craig Pitt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Creative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Front Pg Decorating Service Christopher Micheal . . . . . . . Page 19 Mark Woodward . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Double Glazing NU Vision Windows . . . . . . . Page 19 Swift Repairs . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Window Wizard . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Driveways First Impressions . . . . . . . . . . Page 29 Gibson Landscapes . . . . . . . Page 13

Driveway Cleaning Sealrite . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Driving School GMH School Of Motoring . . Page 2 Electrical Services 1st Fix Electrical . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Fascias & Soffits New Plas Rooflines . . . . . . . Page 32 Fencing Craig Pitt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Garage Doors Cleveland Up Over . . . . . . . . Page 3 Garden Maintenance Christopher Micheal . . . . . . . Page 19 Creative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Front Pg First Class Garden . . . . . . . . Page 31 Gibson Landscapes . . . . . . . Page 13 STM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Garden Nursery Sir Plants Alot . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Handyman Craig Pitt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Steves Removals . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Heating Steve Husband . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Home Maintenance Craig Pitt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Hypnotherapy Quit Smoking . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Weight Loss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Joinery Mark Woodward . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Steves Joinery . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . . . Page 9 Kitchens Dream Doors . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Space Master . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18 Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . . . Page 9 Landscaping Gibson Landscapes . . . . . . . Page 13 Unique Landscaping . . . . . . Page 32 Leaflet Printing Media Solutions . . . . . . . . . . Page 29 Mobility Aids Essential Lift Services . . . . . Page 27 Oven Cleaning Hobsnobs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18 Painting & Decor Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27

Patios Creative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Front Pg Gibson Landscapes . . . . . . . Page 13 Paving First Impressions . . . . . . . . . . Page 29 Plumbers Steve Husband . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Swift Repairs . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Property Agent We Buy Homes . . . . . . . . . . Page 31 Public Houses Myton House Farm . . . . . . . Page 3 Removals Steves Removals . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Roofing Services A Cook Roofing . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 New Plas Rooflines . . . . . . . Back Pg Satellite TV Installation MWC Services . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Security Alarms & CCTV 1st Fix Electrical . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Stair Lifts Essential Lift Services . . . . . Page 27 Travel Services Lakes Limos . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 28 Watson’s Executive . . . . . . . Page 19 TV Aerials MWC Services . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Upholstery Cleaning Rise & Shine . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Wardrobes Space Master . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18 Window Cleaning Rise and Shine . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Window Repairs NU Vision Windows . . . . . . . Page 19 Swift Repairs . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Window Wizard . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Deadline for the next edition Friday 20th July for Bookings/Alterations/Cancellations -------------------------------Follow us on Facebook www.facebook.com/local.answer For special offers and information.

--------------------------------

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U N I Q U E Landscaping LANDSCAPING, BUILDING & MAINTENANCE

Here at Unique we have over 30 years of landscaping/horticultural expertise in both domestic and commercial environments.

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The Local Answer is produced by Media Solutions NE Ltd and Printed by Acorn Web Offset (01924) 220633 The Local Answer | www.local-answer.co.uk | 01642 777707