Localanswer_issue1

ocal L Issue 1 October 2010

Answer

Tel 01642 483304

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Distributed Monthly to over 12,500 Homes

Billingham, Norton, Wolviston & Wynyard Edition

• • • • •

Bulbs - Plant now for Spring Compost & Decorative Gravel Conifers & Shrubs Autumn Pansies • Cyclamen Perennials• Heathers

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Page 2 The Local Answer

October 2010

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The Local Answer

October 2010

Page 3

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Page 4 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

Welcome To The Local Answer elcome to the first Billingham, W Norton, Wolviston & Wynyard edition of ‘The Local Answer’. This

publication is designed to provide you with a host of interesting information, services and goods available in your immediate locality.

We know it is always difficult with a new product to estimate the effect it may have or the potential success it might bring, but with eight years regular distribution across Ingleby Barwick, Stockton, Eaglescliffe, Redcar & East Cleveland already under our belts we know that ‘The Local Answer’ represents a winning formula.

Many, many advertisers enjoy excellent results for what can only be termed a modest outlay. For different reasons they have used ‘Local Answer’ to spread their message to the people of Ingleby Barwick, Stockton, Eaglescliffe, Redcar & East Cleveland and they frequently tell us that results show what a good decision that was!

The reasons, we feel, are simple. ‘The Local Answer’ is convenient, easy to keep and sits unobtrusively in a handy drawer or even next to the telephone without being the eyesore that a crumpled free sheet paper quickly becomes. It also has a long shelf life and one of the most rewarding feedbacks we have enjoyed to date is that advertisers claim they still get response weeks after their adverts appear. And that is the whole point. Not everyone is in a position to respond to an advert the second they see it but because ‘The Local Answer’ is so easy to keep they are still able to refer to it when the appropriate time arrives.

The advertisers within these pages have confidence in the quality of their goods and services. That is why we have begun a partnership with them that we hope will last a long time. So please use ‘The Local Answer’ to its full advantage and let advertisers know this is where you saw them. That way we will be able to maintain a regular and important service to you all.

Happy Reading!

For more information on ‘The Local Answer’ and our other services please visit at www.local-answer.co.uk where you can read all our other publications online FREE. Or to place an advert call us on

01642 483304

Whereas all care is taken to ensure that advertisers adhere to advertising codes of practice and are of good standing, the publisher accepts no responsibility for any statement, error or omission in any advisement or editorial matter. Advertisements have been accepted in good faith but this does not imply that the advertisers have The Local Answers endorsement and no guarantee can be given by The Local Answer. No part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the publisher © The Local Answer. The content and opinions expressed in articles published in The Local Answer are those of the contributor and are not necessarily the view of the publisher.

For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

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Page 6 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

Join the revolution

We are all obviously aware that the biggest industrial revolution since the industrial revolution has been taking place over the past twenty years or so with technology almost doing what George Orwell said it would in his spookily accurate 1949 novel ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four.’ Big Brother is indeed watching us and there isn’t a legitimate resident of this country (or any other for that matter) who doesn’t already appear on innumerable computer lists.

Yet despite terms like ‘computer,’ ‘laptop,’ ‘Email,’ ‘Broadband,’ ‘digital’ and ‘networking’ becoming part of the everyday language there are still many, many people in this country – especially among my generation of sixty somethings – who consider it all just a blur and something way beyond them. And that is actually a real tragedy because if you’re one of those people you really are missing out on an awful lot. I was fortunate that in my working life a computer was an integral part of my equipment and since I am far from being technical I was led into the revolution gradually, assimilating each piece of information at my own pace. I am so glad I was able to do that because like many others the computer has made life so much easier. Items like shopping, booking holidays, getting accurate, up-to-date information on bus and train journeys, keeping in touch with friends and relatives and keeping control of my finances are all aspects of life that can now be undertaken easily and quickly from the comfort of my own home because the digital revolution is primarily an information revolution. There is nothing – apart perhaps for the true meaning of life! – that can’t be discovered at the push of a button.

The best aspect for me, however, is being able to keeping in touch with loved ones instantly and very, very easily. My daughter emigrated to Australia four years ago but through the miracle of ‘Skype’ I can sit in front of my monitor with her lovely face beaming back at me and hold an hour long conversation without having to worry about the clock ticking. It’s all part of the Broadband service and there are many, many people who would benefit tremendously from it if they were only given the opportunity.

That opportunity does actually exist, of course, because there are loads of adult education centres only too pleased to take older people in as pupils and teach them the rudiments. Most libraries also have computers available for general use so you can actually discover what you’ve been missing before you make the financial commitment. And even there things have changed dramatically because prices of computers continue to drop and costs are far from prohibitive. Most of us could be up and running with all the power and technology we need for just a few hundred pounds. In a ‘Catch 22’ scenario it could be even cheaper if you bought your equipment through ‘E-bay,’ but of course that sort of thing comes later once you know what you’re doing.

So don’t be frightened. Get out there and try it while you have the chance. It’s really fun, it’s highly therapeutic, it’s extremely enlightening and eventually you’ll wonder how you ever managed without it!

For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

Page 7

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Page 8 The Local Answer

A series too far

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

There is little doubt that ‘My Family’ has been deservedly one of the most successful British sitcoms in the last twenty years. Launched in the early 2000s, audience figures have been consistently high despite a constant change in personnel and after ten years it appeared to be as popular as ever. However, the latest series – the tenth - came to an end recently and with storylines becoming increasingly bizarre and the main characters acting totally out of character with the people we have come to know and grudgingly admire it seems that this is definitely a series too far.

At the beginning ‘My Family’ featured strong stereotypical characters that were easy to identify with in situations that were simultaneously comical, embarrassing, and yet believable. Stars of the show were comedy veteran Robert Lindsay as dentist Ben Harper, the excellent Zoë Wanamaker as his wife Susan and Kris Marshall, Daniela Denby-Ashe and Gabriel Thomson as their children.

The real find was Kris Marshall who played oldest son Nick, a gormless, naive buffoon who worked harder to stay out of work than he did to stay in it.

Testaments to his ability as a comedy actor included the ‘Best Newcomer’ prize at the 2002 British Comedy Awards. Sadly he only lasted four series and left for a wider variety of roles including his current character Adam in the BT adverts.

He was quickly followed by Daniela Denby-Ashe who played sister Janey and it was at that point that the series began to deteriorate. Attempts to replace the two led to a series of unlikely scenarios in which virtually anyone who turned up at the Harper’s front door was allowed to become a lodger. Since then a variety of characters have come and gone and Janey has returned – but all to the detriment of the programme.

Amazingly, Series 11 - as well as two Christmas specials - have already been recorded, and is likely to be broadcast in spring 2011, but it really has already gone further than it should. Zoë Wanamaker, in fact said in 2007 that she was no longer happy with the quality of the writing, and claimed she and Robert Lindsay even refused to film one episode because it was so poor. In May 2009, the two stars revealed they were still unhappy with the writing quality, with Robert Lindsay stating "There's some real dross in the scripts and we're aware of it". He later admitted that the eleventh series might be the last stating "As far as Zoe and I are concerned, we will do a tenth series of 16 episodes, which the BBC will probably split into a tenth and eleventh, then that will be it.’

Let’s hope so!

Test your knowledge.

1.Where do arboreal animals live?

2.Multiply by 9 then divide by 5 and add 32 is the formula for converting what?

3.Which date is the common official birthday of all racehorses?

4.Who was Dick Dastardly’s canine sidekick in Whacky Races?

5.The Taj Mahal is located near to which Indian city?

6.From what are prunes made?

7.Who wrote ‘Lord of the Flies?

8.Annie-May Bullock is better known by which name?

9.What is a misogynist?

10.In which US state is Las Vegas?

Answers on page 14 For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

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October 2010

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Page 10 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

Thumbs down to the new social plague!

At the risk of appearing to be one of those irritating old people who refuse to move with the times I have to admit to believing that mobile phones are quickly becoming the modern equivalent of the plague! It doesn’t matter how hard you try to avoid them it’s an impossibility because it would appear that every human on the planet under fifty has suddenly grown one like an extra appendage. If Darwin was right and evolution is a fact it’s quite clear that any future human development will include a mobile shaped ear and a narrower, stubbier thumb for more accurate texting. Not that accuracy in texting is a particular necessity because the way most texts are composed has very little to do with the English language and absolutely nothing to do with spelling and punctuation.

‘A recent study’ (another irritating modern expression that alleviates the need for hard evidence) has found that texting from a mobile has become the most popular means of communicating ahead of both telephone calls and social networking sites. (I could have told them that without any expense whatsoever!)

A further, quite astonishing find was that HALF of all kids aged five to nine own a mobile - despite Government guidelines warning no one under 16 should use them. For youngsters aged seven to fifteen the figure goes up to 75 per cent.

Now while even I accept that pen and paper is virtually obsolete and there are huge advantages in being able to electronically send someone a message so easily, the tendency among the young is to use texts instead of speech so they can no longer communicate in the traditional fashion. There is therefore a danger that this comparatively recent phenomenon will ultimately render conversation redundant and consign properly written English to the dustbin.

It has to be a worry that despite the odd Government innuendo about the health dangers caused by overuse of mobiles the real threat is to the whole future of the English language.

Sudoku There is really only one rule to Sudoku: Fill in the game board so that the numbers 1 through 9 occur exactly once in each row, column, and 3x3 box. The numbers can appear in any order and diagonals are not considered. Your initial game board will consist of several numbers that are already placed. Those numbers cannot be changed.

Your goal is to fill in the empty squares following the simple rule above.

Answers on page 14 For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

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Page 12 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

The philosophy of a multi billionaire

Whatever your feelings about a man who has made billions from the computer revolution you have to look up to him if that same man recognises that the modern trend towards feel-good, politically correct teaching could have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and therefore set up to fail in the real world. At a recent High School speech day Microsoft founder Bill Gates outlined his rules for life - vitally important lessons that children would certainly not learn in the modern classroom. They were: Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make ÂŁ60,000 a year right out of high school and you won't be a vice-president of a big company until you actually deserve both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Serving burgers in somewhere like McDonalds should not be beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different expression for it: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.

They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are. So, before you go off to save the rain forests from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the cupboards in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and stopped having winners and losers on sports day. They'll also give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into holidays. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that in your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

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Page 13

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Page 14 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

Proof reading is a dying art Is it our imagination or is headline writing – and obviously proof reading - becoming something of a dying art. The classic of all time had to be the one placed in the Scottish Daily Record following mighty Celtic’s Scottish F A Cup defeat to the then minnows Caledonian Thistle. ‘SUPER CALLY GO BALISTIC – CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS.’ really does show a great sense of humour and a terrific use of a popular expression. It’s pretty certain it had editors all over the country wishing they’d said it first.

In the following examples plucked from actual newspaper headlines, however, it would appear that both the proof reader and the editor have failed to realise that their words have embarrassingly different connotations to those intended. We couldn’t resist adding our comments!

MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER … We called the editor for his comment and it took two or three readings before he realized it was impossible!

He put in a correction next day!

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH SAYS EXPERT ...He must be a clever bloke!

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS ...That’s taking things a bit far!

PANDA MATING FAILS – VET TAKES OVER ...What a man!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH ...Lazy devils!

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT ...See if that works any better than a fair trial!

WAR DIMS HOPES FOR PEACE. ….We can see where it might have that effect!

IF STRIKE NOT SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST A WHILE ...Do you really think so?

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES ... Who’d have thought it?

ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN, POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE ... They may be on to something!

RED TAPE HOLDS UP BRIDGES … What, you mean there’s something stronger than Selotape?

NEW OBESITY STUDY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP. …

Weren’t they fat enough?

KIDS MAKE NUTRICIOUS SNACKS … Do they taste like chicken?

AND THE WINNER IS ……

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY – HUNDREDS DEAD ... Did we read that properly?

Solutions Brain Teasers Answers

1. In trees 2. Celcius to Fahrenheit. 3. The first of January.

4. Mutley 5. Agra 6. Plums 7. William Golding 8. Tina Turner 9. A woman hater 10. Nevada For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

Page 15

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Page 16 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

The Origins of the great hits The piece on page 24 in this edition that lists the top ten selling British singles of all time got us all thinking about those truly iconic hits that never actually made it to number one, but influenced not only the popular music of the day but society as well.

It was therefore decided to begin a series that traces the origins of such music and where better to start than with “The Who’s’ absolute classic ‘My Generation.’

In 1965 guitarist and songwriter Pete Townsend has purchased a car with a bit of a difference – it was a Packard hearse which he parked outside his house in London’s Chesham Place immediately adjacent to Buckingham Palace. The funeral of her husband King George VI had used a similar vehicle and it brought back unhappy memories for the Queen Mother who could see the car from her window.

With an imperious wave of the Royal Hand she arranged to have the car immediately towed away, much to Townsend’s disgust. A short while afterwards he was driving a different car and had another run-in with a similarly upper class lady who made a disparaging comment about his class and his origins.

These two incidents inspired him to put pen to paper to create a composition that outlined the frustration of being young and working class in grey, drizzly, rigidly hierarchal

1960s Britain. That each verse was dominated with the line ‘Hope I die before I get old’ was a hard hitting comment on the way most kids felt in that era.

The song actually started as a slow blues number but Townsend’s colleagues John Entwhistle (bass) and Keith Moon (drums) created a relentless, charging, repetitive rhythm that was wholly sympathetic with the snarling, protesting lyrics.

Singer Roger Daltry introduced a stutter to the words to demonstrate not only that the younger generation were not as confident as their elders perceived but also to emulate the effect of the mod era’s preferred drug ‘the Purple `Heart.’ In view of the song’s undoubted influence it was amazing that it didn’t go to Number One but on this particular record “The Who’ became the mouthpiece for millions.

For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

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Page 17

Page 18 The Local Answer

October 2010

Lists CAN be interesting!

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

Creating lists of things and then turning them into TV programmes seems to be the latest ploy to create cheap broadcasting. ‘100 best TV endings,’ ‘100 best family film moments,’ ‘100 scariest scenes’ have all been created over the last couple of years and I suppose if it’s a subject that interests you it could be a fascinating watch. My personal favourites are always the music lists and with the pop industry changing completely over the past ten years to accommodate the huge switch from buying to downloading it’s more than likely that the list of the UK’s top selling single and albums of all time in the UK lists will now remain unchanged. So, unless something extraordinary happens in the future these will probably remain the top selling records in the country forever! Can’t believe Robson & Jerome feature and Elvis doesn’t!

UK Top selling singles of all time.

1.

Candle in the Wind Elton John 2.

Do they know it’s Christmas Band Aid 3.

Bohemian Rhapsody Queen 4.

Mull of Kintyre Wings 5.

Rivers of Babylon Boney M 6.

You’re the one that I want John Travolta 7.

Relax Frankie goes to Hollywood 8.

She Loves You The Beatles 9.

Unchained Melody Robson & Jerome 10.

Mary’s Boy Child Boney M

1997 1984 1975/1991 1977 1978 1978 1984 1963 1995 1978

UK Top selling albums of all time.

1.

Greatest Hits Queen 1981 2.

Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts ClubThe Beatles 1967 3.

What’s the story, morning gloryOasis 1995 4.

Brothers in Arms Dire Straits 1985 5.

Abba Gold Greatest Hits Abba 1990 6.

The Dark Side of the Moon Pink Floyd 1973 7.

Greatest Hits II Queen 1991 8.

Thriller Michael Jackson1982 9.

Bad Michael Jackson1987 10.

The Immaculate Collection Madonna 1990

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October 2010

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Page 20 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

How would the modern family cope with

rationing?

As we approach the time of year when memorials and tributes are paid to the gallant people who lost their lives in the great wars it is also pertinent that we remember the people who didn’t actually go to war themselves but stayed back in Britain to also endure a great deal of hardship. One of the German strategies was to restrict the entry of food and luxuries into Britain and because of that the Second World War saw the disappearance from the shops of all but the basic necessities.

Rationing of food and clothing was extensive. Issued in October 1939, the Ration Book became familiar to every citizen during the war. The start of rationing was postponed - owing it was said to a Stop Rationing campaign by the The Daily Express - from November 1939 until 8th January 1940 when rationing began in earnest.

Rationing decreed that each person was allowed a specific amount of basic foods.

Typical examples of the amounts allowed to each person a week were: Meat - between 1s. (5p) and 2s. (10p) Bacon - 4 oz. (113 gm) to 8 oz. (227 gm) Tea - 2 oz. (57 gm) to 4 oz. (113 gm) Cheese - 1 oz. (28 gm) to 8 oz. (227 gm) Sugar - 8 oz. (227 gm) a week.

In July 1940 a complete ban was put on the making or selling of iced cakes, and in September the manufacture of ‘candied peel’ or ‘crystallised cherries’ meant the death knell for the traditional wedding cake.

On 1st December 1941 the Ministry of Food introduced the points rationing scheme for items such as canned meat, fish and vegetables, and later items such as rice, canned fruit, condensed milk, breakfast cereals, biscuits and cornflakes were added. Everyone was

given 16 points a month, later raised to twenty, to spend as wished at any shop that had the items wanted. It’s interesting to note that while at that time all these items became considered to be a luxury rather than a necessity, very few of today’s children would thank you for any of it!

A 12-oz. (340 gm) packet of soap powder was half a month’s ration; you could get one egg every two months and powdered egg could be bought on points. Fruit like bananas vanished altogether.

Clothes rationing on points began in June 1941 and a new kind of clothing— utility clothing—was introduced, using cheap materials and the minimum amount of cloth.

There were even points for furniture, although you were given these only if you were newly married, or had been bombed out, or were having a baby.

Petrol was rationed so people stopped buying cars.

The things still rationed in 1948, three years after the war, were: Bacon and Ham, butter/margarine; cooking fat; meat; sugar; tea; chocolates & sweets; eggs; liquid milk; preserves Bread, soap, bananas, and potatoes were also rationed during this period.

In 1951 people could still buy only 10d.

(4p) worth of meat each week.

Two new commodities were rationed after the war. Bread was rationed from 1946 to 1948 and potatoes for a year from 1947. The points system ended in 1950.

Rationing continued in this country for 14 years until 1954, when meat was finally de-rationed. It really does make you wonder how the modern family would cope!

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The Local Answer

October 2010

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Page 22 The Local Answer

October 2010

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The world according to Cliff Claven Frequently repeated on the Sky entertainment channels, Cheers remains one of the most popular American soaps thanks in no small part to Cliff Claven - the verbose know-itall postal worker who was one of the regulars at the bar. Played by John Ratzenberger, Cliff hung out with his friend Norm at the tavern in Boston where he often spouted awkward bits of knowledge to his fellow drinkers. Here are some of his gems!

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks"..

Asked for an explanation of how someone can drink ice cold beer in freezing weather Cliff tells them.

‘When the British ruled the Punjab,’ he said, ’they drank steaming hot pots of tea on the hottest days of the year to balance out their inside and outside temperatures. See, conversely drinking an ice cold drink on a cold day actually results in a more comfortable body temperature.’

‘In that case,’ Diane asks, "Why do you drink ice cold beer on a hot day?" and Cliff comes back with "What else are you going to do with it?"

Asked about the animal kingdom Cliff says ‘Here's a little known fact. The smartest animal is the pig.’

Norm interrupts: "They look pretty stupid.”

No, I'm telling you, your average oinker, yeah, yeah, yeah, scientists say; if a pig had thumbs and a language it could be trained to do simple manual labour.

Norm then asks "You mean they'd be part of the workforce?"

Cliff answers: "Yeah, yeah, they'd give you 20, 30 years of loyal service, then at the retirement dinner you could eat them.’

Norm is talking about buying a new house with a bathroom big enough that you could fall down without hitting your head on anything. Cliff thinks that it's a smart idea. ‘That's smart, that's smart,’ he said ‘because it's a little known fact that 42% of all deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.’

"So were you!" uttered Carla.

‘They did a study comparing postal workers to chimpanzees’ says Cliff, ‘and proved that while chimps were 32% slower they were better with public relations.’

‘A Freudian slip is saying one thing and meaning a mother.’

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The Local Answer

October 2010

Page 23

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Page 24 The Local Answer

October 2010

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The Local Answer

October 2010

Page 25

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Page 26 The Local Answer

October 2010

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A bit of light relief from the cricket world Sport seems to be going through a few crises at the moment and after the disappointment of the Pakistan match fixing allegations we decided to delve into the more humorous side of cricket to provide a bit of light relief. We hope you enjoy the stories!

The ball had been knocked out of the ground into the lane and everybody was out looking for it. One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade.

'Excuse me' said the cricketer, 'but have you seen a cricket ball?' 'No, I haven't,' replied the tramp. 'But I've brought one from home I could sell you!'

Visitor (to cricketer): 'Why are you hitting that little boy?'

Cricketer: 'We lost the game.'

Visitor: 'Well, what's that got to do with him?'

Cricketer: 'He's our mascot.'

Fred Truman became famous during his career for the acidic comments he may or may not have made but that were attributed to him anyway. On one occasion Fred clean-bowled a young opening batsman with his first ball and as the youngster was leaving the pitch he said to Fred, ‘Mr Truman, that was a fantastic ball.’ ‘Aye,’ replied Fred, ‘but it were wasted on thee lad.’

The batsman was having a bad time.

He played and missed at every ball and was becoming hotter and more flustered by the minute. As the bowler was walking back; the batsman turned to the wicket-keeper. 'Phew,' he said 'what couldn't I do with a bottle of beer.' The wicket-keeper thought for a moment and said 'Hit it with the bat?'

During the game, a batsman noticed that the splice was coming out of his bat. In his small village, he was at a loss where to take it to be repaired. Finally, he decided that the blacksmith might do the job and went along to ask. 'Splice coming loose,

eh?' said the blacksmith. 'I get a lot of you chaps in here. I'll have it fixed in a minute.' He put the bat on the anvil, took an enormous hammer and gave it a mighty smash. The bat was as good as new.

'Marvellous!' enthused the batsman, ‘how much do I owe you?'' Let's say a fiver, eh?' said the blacksmith. 'A fiver,’ yelled the batsman, ‘but all you did was hit it with a hammer.’ ‘In that case I'll make you out a bill,' said the blacksmith. He scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it over. The batsman read: ‘To hitting bat with hammer 10 pence. For knowing where to hit £4.90.’

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an English cricket shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Australian cricket shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semiconscious Pommie fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between Australian and English cricket fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied.

"He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing..........Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

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Page 28 The Local Answer

October 2010

Website www.local-answer.co.uk

Have we turned the corner?

At the time of writing Gordon Strachan’s job is a hundred per cent safer than it was five days ago because for the first time for as long as I can remember ‘Boro have taken six points from the last two games. The bizarre fixture lists conjured up by the Championship computers may have had something to do with that because for the foreseeable future ‘Boro have two home games followed by two away games followed by two home games followed by two away games etc.

What happened to alternate home and away fixtures for goodness sake?

The big disadvantage is that it may well give us football fans a false sense of optimism because the two winnable home games against Burnley and Reading were duly won and the six points took us well away from the drop zone. Could it be that by the time you read this we’ve lost the next two away games and are back where we were? I sincerely hope not.

Tarmo Kink’s heroics against Burnley meant he started the Reading game but sadly he missed a couple of easier chances than the two he had taken on the Tuesday night and was eventually replaced by Halliday - a reversal of the previous game’s substitutions. And despite once again getting into some excellent positions Scott McDonald also missed a couple of decent chances

(just as he did against Burnley). That we are making those chances, however, is definitely a turn for the better and eventually we would hope they start to go in. It is, as they say, all a matter of confidence. Most of the fifteen thousand die-hards who attended both games will at least have the satisfaction of knowing that the second performance of the two was infinitely better than the first and was probably the best performance of the season so far.

That our next opponents Watford despatched the previously unbeaten-athome Millwall by six goals does not auger particularly well for our chances but if we have truly turned the corner then this is a game we would hope to get something

from. We ‘Boro’ fans have always suffered from inconsistency but now is surely the time to start putting a run together and there’s no better way of showing we can actually do it than by bringing something home from both Watford and Derby.

Here’s hoping!

For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk

The Local Answer

October 2010

Page 29

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October 2010

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