Local Answer Stockton issue 22 ISSUU

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Issue 22 January 2012

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EL N FI EC EE EL D D TR S AN EL IC EC I TR A IC N S ?

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Answer

Tel 01642 483304

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www.local-answer.co.uk

Ingleby Barwick, Eaglescliffe & Stockton

The

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Time Served Joiner & Painter A professional & Friendly Service Reliable & Affordable Fast Response Free Quotations Find me on Facebook

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Tel 01642 466694 Mob: 07967 590572 Unit 2, Stapylton Court, Bolckow Ind. Est. Grangetown

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Eaglescliffe Domestic Appliance Repairs Repairs to all makes of Washing Machines, Dish Washers, Tumble Driers, Fridges, Freezers & Electric cookers 30 years experience working for Ariston, Indesit, Zanussi Hotpoint & Creda.

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MONDAY

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New session at 5pm from 3rd January

Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

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New year’s resolutions – there to be broken!

According to a recent nationwide study by ‘City Socialising’ 73% of people will be making at least one resolution this January, with women being the most likely to vow to make changes to their lives. The survey also created a list of the most popular resolutions and it’s the nature of those resolutions that makes them so interesting. That’s because the more obvious things like stopping smoking and drinking less lie much lower on the list than you would think.

At number one on the list was the fairly unspecific desire to “enjoy life more.”

Coming a close second was the inevitable promise to “lose weight or go on a diet.” That’s weird, of course, because considering most people’s attitude to food and drink the second choice would surely doom the first to failure. How can you enjoy life more by eating less?

Even more strangely, one of the most popular male resolutions was found to be “to find true love”, which came only fifth on the list for women. But overall, “finding true love” and “learning something new” beat more mundane plans like “saving money” and “paying off debts.”

resolutions men appear to have more resolve as 20% claimed they kept theirs for a year or more compared to just 15% of women, many of whom (29%) admitted sticking to their resolutions for an average of just 3 months.

Londoners came out top for greatest resolve with 20% stating they usually stuck to resolutions for over a year, compared to 15% of those questioned in Manchester and 13% in both Brighton and Bristol.

The top resolutions were as follows: 1. Enjoy life more (34.4%) 2. Lose weight / go on a diet (24.4%) 3. Get fit / start exercising (22.3%) 4. Learn something new (22.2%) 5. Find true love (21.6%) 6. Get a better job (18.7%) 7. Save money (18%) 8. Pay off my debts (16.2%) 9. Take a trip (13.6%) 10. Reduce stress (10.6%) 11. Spend more time with family (10.5%) 12. Quit smoking (5.6%) 13. Drink less (5.3%) So what is your New Years Resolution for 2012?

Another interesting fact that came out of the survey was that despite more women than men being shown to actually make

Test your general knowledge 1.

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6.

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8.

9.

10.

Who was the first British winner of the Eurovision Song Contest?

Who is the current manager of West Bromwich Albion FC? What colour is Tinky Winky in the Teletubbies ?

Which is Britain’s largest castle?

What is a pangram?

Whose middle names are Charles Lynton?

Who played Harold Steptoe in the iconic ‘Steptoe and Son’ TV series?

What is a water moccasin?

Who was the founder lead singer in Led Zeppelin?

Which is the world’s only venomous mammal?

Answers on page 24

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A

B

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

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How to get your own back on your bank Over the last couple of years banks have taken a real hammering with director’s bonuses, exorbitant charging to the less well-off customers and dreadful customer service all coming under the spotlight.

Much of that criticism has been left to the media but an 86 year old woman in New York sent the following letter to her bank manager as a more personal protest. He obviously had a sense of humour because he was so impressed with the letter he sent it to The New York Times. They subsequently published it. It’s a piece of genius. Enjoy!

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. (I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.)

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways and the following will now apply.

I noticed that whereas I answer your telephone calls and letters personally, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, and at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required and this will be communicated to you at a later date.)

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While any of these may, on occasions, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. It is with regret that – having once again followed your example - I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

From now on, I - like you, therefore choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. As a consequence my mortgage and loan repayments will, from now, no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly Contract which I require your chosen less prosperous New Year? employee to complete. I am sorry it runs Your Humble Client Page 6

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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Professional Electrical, Plumbing & Heating Contractors Since 1978

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07970 946912 / 01642 535543 Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

Tel 01642 722666 www.hobsnobs.co.uk OAP DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE Page 7

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We wouldn’t like to play Scrabble with this bloke!

Every now and then we get something sent to us that makes us wonder just how much spare time people have on their hands. This is a typical example.

It’s a series of absolutely fantastic anagrams that are so appropriate it makes you check twice to make sure all the letters have been correctly used. Mind you, we wouldn’t like to play Scrabble with the bloke who wrote it!

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

ELECTION RESULTS : When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS NO MORE Z'S

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Sudoku There is really only one rule to Sudoku: Fill in the game board so that the numbers 1 through 9 occur exactly once in each row, column, and 3x3 box. The numbers can appear in any order and diagonals are not considered. Your initial game board will consist of several numbers that are already placed. Those numbers cannot be changed.

Your goal is to fill in the empty squares following the simple rule above.

Answers on page 24 Page 8

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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Window Wizard N.E UPVC windows, doors & conservatories All UPVC windows and doors repaired Fascias, Soffits and gutters D/G units replaced

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We know our onions when it comes to FRENCH vehicles

S

needs the web ad changing to

far more crammed and type bound et ad - please remove "open daily......" te a bit more space (I think people are likely to be open as we are only ffice hours anyway) - it needs breakmehow - the Martinet 1 looks more tioned with the use of different type at do you think - can this be improved

tinet ad - Hella logo is fuzzy n the F in Fuel is in etalics - looks f word and line thereafter isn't ?

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

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Great facts to take into the new year.

Sad as it sounds, one of the most interesting things about my personal Christmas this year was discovering a really informative piece that managed to answer a load of the sort of questions that have probably never actually been asked, but probably would have been had anyone thought about it!

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: £10,120.00

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David : Hearts - Charlemagne : Clubs -Alexander, the Great : Diamonds - Julius Caesar

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Coca-Cola was invented and marketed as a medical elixir and was originally green.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

They were all invented by women 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter was Mark Twain’s ‘Tom Sawyer.’

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes The only food that doesn't spoil is honey In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale was originally ordered by pints and quarts.... So in old England when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's' At the same time pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

And finally, at least 75% of people who read this will by now have tried to lick their elbow! Are you one of them?

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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Carpet Showing You Up? In need of a deep down clean?

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How to send and receive emails Touch up digital photos to print or email Create and use a document or spreadsheet Use Skype to talk with your loved ones via your computer Maintain speed and security of your computer We also install and upgrade computer software and hardware.

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

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101 – A new number with a 999 ring to it…

Across the whole of England & Wales a new police communication service is being established which will allow people to make non-urgent calls to their local police force 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The new service (set to be available across the entire country by the end of January 2012) will see the introduction of a brand new police telephone number.

When making non-urgent calls to the police (such as reporting non lifethreatening crimes) 101 will be the number to call. When connected, you will be automatically be transferred through to your local police force who will be on hand to deal with any

New year humour

It’s a well-known fact that January is the most depressing month of the year, not only because all the Christmas festivities have now gone but also because it tends to be the coldest and darkest month of the year. We thought we would therefore cheer you all up with this little group of gems. If you can’t break out into a smile with some of these there really is no hope for you!

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the children up, one by one, holding them to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was Page 12

problems you may have.

All 101 calls will be charged at a flat rate of 15p regardless of the length of the phone call and a translator will be available for anybody who may require one.

The local council will continue to handle issues such as vandalism, fly tipping & noise distraction as usual however the new 101 number has been added for people to report non-urgent crimes such as theft, minor traffic incidents, drug use & dealing & property damage.

All urgent crimes should still be reported using the 999 number as usual.

unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in Year Four.’ “No, love” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15” Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Middlesbrough couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The auto mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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UNIQUE

Landscaping

LANDSCAPING, BUILDING & MAINTENANCE Block Paved Drive Specialists

Here at Unique we have over 30 years of landscaping/ horticultural expertise in both domestic and commercial environments .

Our enthusiastic approach and customer interaction enable us to transform your garden ideas, images and needs into reality, traditional or modern .

Supplying solutions in every aspect of garden design & construction .

• Patios, Paths, Driveways • Walls, Fencing • Timber Decks, Gazebos, Arches • Ponds, Rockeries • Drainage Systems / Soakaways • Automatic Irrigation • Planting Schemes • General Maintenance • Design/Advice Service • Tree Surgery/Pruning Quality of work and working practices, not forgetting creativity, affordability and customer satisfaction are all key elements within our work environment .

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Please Call: Paul Stamp 07590 617368 Martin Greenidge: 07855 817221 Office: 01642 750479 2 Porchester Close, Ingleby Barwick Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

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It’s not really fair when you’re a blonde That statement about blondes having all the fun may well be true but unfortunately for them they are also subject to numerous jokes that suggest that having blonde hair indicates a low level of intelligence.

While not wishing to take advantage of that perception we have discovered some lovely little stories attributed to fair haired people and we thought we’d share them with you.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland and while driving on the Interstate they saw the sign that said Disneyland Left.

They started crying and turned around and went home.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one said to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooo, can you see Florida ?'

A blonde drives her BMW into a garage and tells the mechanic it’s not working properly. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly and he says ‘No problem, just crap in the carburetor.'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

An attractive young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor, 'show me.'

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The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed. She then pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, ‘you have a broken finger.’

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what?

We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs' January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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Page 15

Ple a s e m e n t i o n ‘T h e L o c al Answer ’ when calling advertisers

Nissan Qashqai – Funky Styling, Great Safet And Competitively Priced.

For our car review this month the Nissan Qashqai was selected because despite its funky 4x4 styling it is competitively priced, resale values are strong and some impressive refinements and exceptional comfort add considerably to its appeal.

The self-styled motor industry watchdog ‘What Car,’ in fact, claims that the Qashqai makes a brilliant family car because ‘it is roomy, comfortable, refined and affordable to run. The king-of-theroad driving position is another plus point, and standard equipment is good.’

Performance-wise the entry-level 1.6-litre petrol engine develops 115bhp and the 1.5-litre diesel 104bhp. The stronger 128bhp 1.6 diesel is better, and if you want more punch, there's a 138bhp 2.0 petrol or a 148bhp 2.0 diesel that's only available with an automatic gearbox. In all there are 25 different versions available so there is bound to be something that suits all your requirements.

Performance-wise the Qashqai’s chunky tyres and supple suspension means it floats

Page 16

serenely over poor surfaces at any speed, though there’s a bit of a body lean through bends.

The lean, however, is progressive and the steering weighty and direct.

The Qashqai is in the Ford Focus price bracket and offers practicality more familiar with an MPV. The boot’s standard capacity is 410 litres, compared to the Ford Focus (385 litres) and Volkswagen Golf Plus (395 litres). It expands to 860 litres at window level and, with the rear seat down, a huge 1,513 litres. There is also a cooled glove box, which has enough room for 15 normal-sized cans of soft drinks. Space isn’t a problem for the taller passenger thanks to the high roofline and large amounts of leg-room. All-round visibility is good, while steering is light for tight parking.

The diesel versions are obviously the cheapest to run in the range with the 1.5and 2-litre range averaging 52.3mpg and 40mpg respectively. The 2-litre model emits 184g/ km of carbon dioxide meaning an annual tax bill of £165. The 2-litre petrol emits between 199 and 204g/km of carbon dioxide putting in tax band F resulting in a £205 contribution to the Government.

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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ty Features

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Page 17

Ple a s e m e n t i o n ‘T h e L o c al Answer ’ when calling advertisers

Turn your dream dress into reality!

The launch of Eliza Jean in December was a great success. One month on from the opening,proprietor Jackie Rugg is delighted with the response and encouragement she has had. It fulfils her passion for dressmaking and is a welcome addition to her established clothing,bridal and evening gown alteration business.

At Eliza-Jean Jackie can make your garment either from a pattern, drawing, picture or idea provided by you. You can supply your own fabric or Jackie and the team can source it for you. Your garment will be fitted specifically for

you. The making process will require two or more fittings which will be by appointment to ensure you get their undivided attention.

raising gala in aid of the Raising Ghana charity at the Sacred Heart school,Mersey road Redcar on the Evening of February 2nd.

There are samples of the teams workmanship in the shop for you to see before you commit to commissioning a garment.

As the business grows Eliza-Jean aim to stock a number of ‘off the peg’ garments for that last minute party.

First prize in the raffle will be dress designed by Eliza Jean.

Further details about the fashion show,raffle and prize can be obtained from the shop.

‘Fund-raising Fashion Show’

As valued customers, your input would be greatly appreciated into what type of garments you would like to see Eliza-Jean stock.

Jackie is holding a fashion show as part of a fund

Please feel free to pop in and have a look around.

THE CLOTHING ALTERATION COMPANY High Quality, High Speed Clothing Alterations & Repairs.

We Shorten, Lengthen, Re-Style, Replace Zips & Much More!

Quite simply, we make things fit!

SPECIALISTS IN BRIDAL & EVENING WEAR Open: Monday-Friday: 9am - 5pm | Saturday: 9am - 2pm

17 Station Road, Redcar

(01642) 774444

www.clothingalts.co.uk

Page 18

Where your dream dress becomes reality

ELIZA-JEAN Exclusive clothing

Occasionwear Prom Dresses Bridemaids Dresses Christening Gowns Evening Wear Stage Costumes Dance Costumes Goth & Steampunk Basic Daywear & Much More!

We can make your garment either from pattern, drawing, picture or idea provided by yourself. You can bring your own fabric or we can source it for you. Your garment will be fitted specifically for you.

01642 774444

17 Station Road, Redcar January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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TR NSFORM HOME IMPROVEMENTS

                      

 

      

 

Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012



uPVC Windows & Doors Garden High Security Doors Rooms All uPVC Repair Work Kitchens Porches Conservatories Orangeries Double Glazing Facias & Soffits Joinery Garage Conversions Plastering Composite Doors

Tel: 01642 956632 Mob: 07507 108402

Page 19

Ple a s e m e n t i o n ‘T h e L o c al Answer ’ when calling advertisers

New year humour (continued) The doctor said to Joe after examining him, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for but felt he had no choice but to go under the knife because the pain was driving him slowly mad.

When he left the hospital after the operation he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he still felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, though, he realized he was now a different person who could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 - long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, but how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, but how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...Size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - 200 pounds. New shirt - 36 pounds. New underwear - 6 pounds.

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

A man writes his wife a letter:

“To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset - I shall be home before midnight .”

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: “My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college and would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Mathematics, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: “18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Page 20

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

Please mention ‘The Local Answer ’ when calling advertisers

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

Page 21

Ple a s e m e n t i o n ‘T h e L o c al Answer ’ when calling advertisers

Survival guide to driving in Newcastle We are pretty sure the Highway code is just as appropriate in Newcastle as anywhere else but some recent experiences show that ‘Geordie’ drivers seem to have invented their own rules.

Here are just a few examples.

1.

Either forget about indicators altogether or simply leave them flashing all the time. For more dramatic effect, use the opposite indicator to the direction in which you are actually about to turn.

And when someone is waiting to come out of a side street that you are turning left into, on no account should you use your indicator. This really irritates even the most patient person.

2.

On roundabouts, cut across the front of the other cars behind you.

This denies them any possibility of overtaking you and really upsets drivers.

Another excellent ploy is to approach the roundabout in the left lane if you are turning right and the right lane if you are turning left. Always remember, the road was built purely for you and no one else.

irritating, obnoxious and arrogant copy Jeremy Clarkson’s ploy and buy a horn which produces a high pitched sound that even penetrates the best possible double glazing.

6.

If you meet someone on a narrow road or country lane make sure you speed up so they are nearest their exit.

That means they have to reverse to accommodate your passage. And let’s be honest, that’s only right because it’s your bloody road, not theirs!

7.

Disregard pedestrians. If they can’t afford a car they are beneath you and worthy only of contempt. You can really emphasize this contempt on zebra crossings when you force them to run for safety. The same thing applies to cyclists. Anyone who wants to ride something you have to propel yourself is really, really beneath contempt!

8.

Do not, whatever happens, slow down as you approach a roundabout, especially if your view is hidden by bushes and trees. No one else should be on your roundabout, anyway!

3.

If someone in front of you on a roundabout forgets about rule 2 and gives you space to their right then overtake them and cut abruptly in front of them at the exit.. If possible, time this action so they simply run out of road.

Wear ear muffs, though, because you’ll experience lots of horn blowing on this one.

9.

And finally, remember your own basic rule that the roads were built purely for you. If you pull out in front of someone else or cut them up on a roundabout and they get angry and blow their horn at you, you, in turn, are entitled to shout, scream, wave your arms and make signals at them with an extended finger.

4.

Talking of horns, use yours as much as you can. This is particularly effective in the more rural parts of the city. People in small villages just love the sound of horns late at night or very early in the morning.

10.

Engine revving and wheel spinning is acceptable here too. They will not understand that they, who have just been cut up, are completely in the wrong because it is, after all, your road – not theirs! You must educate them by using rule ten as often as possible. It’s your road, not theirs.

5.

Amongst narrow village streets, of course, you must never slow down for anything, especially blind corners.

Just blow your horn and keep going at the same speed. If you really want to be Page 22

We suggest you don’t follow the example of the ‘Geordies’!

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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A YOUNG

Deadline For The Next Edition is:

Friday 20th January 2012 For Alterations / Cancellations

COURIER SERVICE

We Deliver Or Pick Up All Over The UK, Scotland, Wales & Ireland Phone for the best price with The Post Codes To and From

07746 647265

Anthony Young

THE EYE 228819

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www.theeyemagazine.co.uk www.theeyemagazine.co.uk/classifieds Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

•CENTRAL HEATING INSTALLATIONS •CONVENTIONAL TO COMBI REPLACEMENTS •POWER FLUSHING •COMBI BOILER SPECIALIST ALL GAS WORK UNDERTAKEN NO JOB TOO SMALL FREE ESTIMATES

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Beef And Vegetable Broth – Warm and satisfying.

Throughout January last year we were all arriving home from work frozen stiff and looking for something to warm us up. So just in case this year throws up the same sort of weather we thought we’d introduce you to this great way to welcome your family home. It’s a great combination of seasonal vegetables, beefy goodness and satisfying warmth.

They’ll love you for it.

Ingredients • 2 ozs butter • 1lb ground beef • 3 small onions • 16 ounces of chopped tomato • Salt and pepper • 3 medium sized carrots • 6 cups of water • 3 medium sized potatoes • 3 sticks of celery • Half a cup of small shell pasta • 2 Tablespoons of soy sauce Method • Melt the butter in a pan, add the beef and cook gently, stirring with a fork.

• Add the onions, tomatoes, salt, pepper and water.

• Bring to the boil then transfer to a slow cooker for an hour.

• Add the vegetables and allow to cook for at least a further two hours.

• When the family is due home transfer to a normal pan, stir in the pasta

shells and soy sauce and cook on a medium heat for a further 15 minutes.

• Correct the seasoning to taste, test the pasta to make sure it’s tender and

serve hot with crusty bread.

Gorgeous!

Solutions

1. Sandie Shaw – Puppet on a string 2. Roy Hodgson 3. Purple 4. Windsor 5. A sentence containing all the letters of the

alphabet 6.Tony Blair 7. Harry H Corbett 8. A snake 9. Robert Plant 10. Duck billed platypus

How well did you do? Tell us on facebook Page 24

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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SELF-DEFENCE & MARTIAL ART TUITION JIYU-JUTSU IN EAGLESCLIFFE Aiki-jiyu-jutsu was used by the Samurai as their unarmed combat art for more than a thousand years and is still the finest self-defence system in the world today.

As ed featur C& on BB TTTV

As featured on BBC1’s Look North & Tyne Tees North East tonight LITTLE SAMURAI (Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu for kids) Start them off early with this non aggressive style of Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu. They will learn: respect for others, self discipline and the ability to defend themselves. This class is for children between the ages of 5 & 12.

Mark Paterson is an 8th Dan Instructor in Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu as well as holding black belts in many other Martial Arts and was a finalist in the Champions of the North Best Teacher Awards 2008.

Classes in Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu Thursday’s 8pm - 9:30pm Little Samurai classes Sunday 4pm - 5pm at Eaglescliffe Village Hall, Yarm Road Private tuition in Aiki-jiyu-jutsu & self-defence is also available.

For more information call Mark Paterson on:

01287 280860 or 07795 460889 www.zanshinmartialarts.co.uk or Email:mark.paterson900@ntlworld.com Zanshin Martial Arts & Self-defence

Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

Page 25

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Services Ltd

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IMPROVE! • RENOVATIONS • KITCHENS • BEDROOMS • TILING • PLASTERING • RE-SKIMMING WALLS • UPVC REPLACEMENT WINDOWS & DOORS • LAMINATE & WOOD FLOORING • COMMERCIAL MAINTENANCE ALL CERTIFIED TRADESMEN

YARM JOINERY & BUILDING HOME IMPROVEMENT SPECIALIST 10TH YEAR IN BUSINESS

TEL: 01642 351645 MOB: 07970 636080

Satellite

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Call Martin on: 01642 296276 or FREE on 0800 955 6276 www .mwcservices .co .uk

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Commercial & Domestic Interior & Exterior Painting Wallpaper Hanging 31 Years Coving Artexing Experience FREE Estimates INSURANCE WORK UNDERTAKEN (Possible Excess Paid) Contracts Welcome: Pubs, Clubs, Shops

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WHY

ADVERTISE?

Reason 1: Advertise to Make More Sales.

Advertising works! Businesses that succeed are usually strong, steady advertisers.

Look around, you’ll find the most aggressive and consistent advertisers are the most successful in our area and nationally.

Keeping an advertisement fresh in the minds of the customers will undoubtedly increase sales chances.

To discuss how we can help call: 01642 483304 Local Answer, 48 Cranbourne Drive, Redcar, TS10 2SP www.local-answer.co.uk Page 26

ocal L The

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THE BEST WAY TO ATTRACT LOCAL CUSTOMERS

January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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Steve’s Joinery & Building Services

HAIR & BEA

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All aspects of joinery and Building work undertaken All internal and external joinery work • patio and decking • fencing • tiling • loft space • roofing

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This Edition Is Delivered To

20,000

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Ingleby Barwick

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

Page 27

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New Year Resolution Suggestions For ‘Boro Fans

With the print industry rightly demanding time off over Christmas there was an extremely early deadline for this month’s edition. It was therefore almost impossible to comment on ‘Boro’s current situation as they’ve played several matches since we went to print. Hopefully, however, we will still be within touching distance of the automatic promotion places. Instead, we have decided to appeal to you ‘Boro fans to make the kind of New Year resolutions that will hopefully benefit both the club and yourselves. Here are the five we hope you take up!

1. Go to More Matches and rejoin the ‘Red Army.’ This is obviously aimed at the fans that would rather spend their Saturday afternoons enjoying a few pints in almost any Middlesbrough pub while watching the match on Norwegian channels. We know finances are tight and we know that sometimes the entertainment level dips a bit but if you are a true ‘Boro fan the only way to fight your corner against the rest of the world is to be able to say ‘I was there.’ It really counts! Football is much better viewed in a big crowd and only you can affect that at the Riverside.

2. Stop Blaming Referees. 2011 was a year dominated by controversial refereeing decisions, but the fact is referees are not biased. There is no conspiracy. There is no cheating. They are simply men doing a very tough job. It’s all very well for three men sitting in a television studio to replay an incident five times, with different camera angles, and for everyone at home to see this. But a referee doesn’t have that luxury. They have to make onthe-spot decisions using only their eyes, and those of their assistants. If and when FIFA allow technology to be used to assist officials, then you can criticize a referee for getting a decision wrong because he’ll have ignored the tools at his disposal. But until that happens a referee wrongly awarding a decision is no different from a player missing a penalty. They aren’t cheats, they just made a mistake.

Page 28

3. Join a Fantasty Football League and see how difficult the job really is! Computer games are now socially acceptable and give fans the opportunity to see how easy – or difficult – it is to run a successful football team. Let’s be honest, you have the entire Premiership at your disposal and the great thing is that – unlike real football situations - everyone has exactly the same amount of money to spend. If you fail you only have yourself to blame. That means you are your only critic. Try the same scenario with millions watching and then understand what Tony Mowbray lives with twenty four seven. Not easy, is it?

4. Stop Caring about Footballers’ Private Lives. Who cares that high earning footballers manage to attract exceptionally good looking women just because they have loads of money? What most of those women are doing is still classed as the oldest profession. Are you listening Abbey Clancey?

5. Stop believing you “Could do Better Than That” One of the most irritating comments you overhear at a football match is the fat guy with his over stretched football shirt claiming that he ‘could have scored this one or saved that one.’ No, he couldn’t. He would have been lucky to get within twenty yards of it! If you’re a football fan it probably means you’ve played the game at some level yourself and if you look back on those freezing cold, wind battered, rain sodden Sunday mornings when all you wanted was to hear the final whistle and get to the pub you must surely realize the hard work, dedication and natural skill that sets the professional aside. So no, fat boy, there is no way in the world you would have saved ‘that one’ and even less chance you would have scored ‘that one.’ So do us all a favour and resolve that in 2012 you’ll keep your big mouth shut unless it’s to actually cheer on your team. It’s the only worthwhile contribution you can make and will be appreciated far more than your ridiculous rants.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL! January 2012 | The Local Answer Magazine

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

Page 29

INDEX OF ADVERTISERS Aerials (TV) MWC Services . . . . . . . . . Page 26 Sophie’s Aerials . . . . . . . . Page 2 Alarms & CCTV 1st Fix Electrical . . . . . . . . Page 2 Appliance Repair Eaglescliffe Domestic . . . Page 3 Architectural Drawings/Plans AB Building Design . . . . . Page 5 Bathrooms Rubberduckbathrooms . . Page 29 Beauty Mermaid Holistics . . . . . . . Page 3 Beauty Supplies Hair Order . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Bedrooms Spacemaster . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . Page 26 Blinds Beautiful Blinds . . . . . . . . . Front Page Builders Steves Joinery . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Unique Builders . . . . . . . . Page 13 Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . Page 26 Building Plans AB Building Design . . . . . Page 5 Car Body Repairs Sprayworx . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Car Servicing & Repairs Citromatic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Martinet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17 Merc-Spec . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 32 Carpet & Upholstery Cleaning Rise & Shine . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Catering Services Thornberry Catering . . . . . Page 15 Clothing Alterations Clothing Alts . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18 Clubs Offroad North East . . . . . . Page 17 Computer Training Compupal . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Conservatories Discount Windows . . . . . . Page 2 Transform Home Imp . . . . Page 19 Courier Services A Young Courier Service . Page 23 Decorating Service Mark Woodward . . . . . . . . Page 2 Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . . . Page 26 Dentists, Dentures & Dental Care Egan Dental . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5

DIY Supplies Rubberduck Bathrooms . Page 21 Rubberduck Bathrooms . Page 29 Double Glazing Andy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Transform Home Imp . . . . Page19 Window Wizard . . . . . . . . Page 9 Dress Making Eliza Jean . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18 Driving Schools Mark Storey . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Electrical Services 1st Fix Electrical . . . . . . . . Page 2 AEP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 AMP Fields Electrics . . . . Page 5 Eye Ware (Glasses & Sunglasses) Blink . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 Fitted Wardrobes Spacemaster . . . . . . . . . . Page 9 Garage Doors Cleveland Up Over . . . . . Page 31 Guttering Andy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Bryan Vickers . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Transform Home Imp . . . . Page 19 Heating ABC Plumbing . . . . . . . . . Page 15 Gas Gas Gas . . . . . . . . . . Page 23 GTS Plumbing . . . . . . . . . Front Page North East Plumbing . . . . Page 9 Rubberduck Bathrooms . Page 21 Health & Beauty Mermaid Holistics . . . . . . . Page 3 Slimming World . . . . . . . . Page 3 Holistic Therapy Mermaid Holistics . . . . . . . Page 3 Home Maintenance Window Wizard . . . . . . . . Page 9 Joinery Mark Woodward . . . . . . . . Page 2 Steves Joinery . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . Page 26 Kitchens Yarm Joinery & Build . . . . Page 26 Landscaping Unique Landscaping . . . . Page 13 Leaflet Printing Media Solutions . . . . . . . . Page 23 Locksmiths Dial 4 Locks . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Man With A Van A Young Courier Service . Page 23

Martial Arts Zanshin Self Defence . . . Page 25 Mobile Phone Store FoneShop . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Oven Cleaning Hobsnobs . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Painting & Decor Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . . . Page 26 Phone Store FoneShop . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Plumbers ABC Plumbing . . . . . . . . . Page 15 Gas Gas Gas . . . . . . . . . . Page 23 GTS Plumbing . . . . . . . . . Front Page M Williams Plumbing . . . . Page 7 North East Plumb . . . . . . . Page 9 PSP Plumbing . . . . . . . . . Page 19 Roofing Services A Cook Roofing . . . . . . . . Page 9 Bryan Vickers . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Satellite TV Installation MWC Services . . . . . . . . . Page 26 Seating Covers First Class Covers . . . . . . Page 32 Security Alarms & CCTV 1st Fix Electrical . . . . . . . . Page 2 Spectacles Blink . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 Telephone Store FoneShop . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 TV Aerials MWC Services . . . . . . . . . Page 26 Upholstery Cleaning Rise & Shine . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Vehicle Locksmith Dial 4 Locks . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Wedding Seating Covers First Class Covers . . . . . . Page 32 Weight Loss Slimming World . . . . . . . . Page 3 Window Cleaning Rise and Shine . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Window Repairs Andy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 NU Vision Windows . . . . . Page 31 Transform Home Imp . . . . Page 19 Window Wizard . . . . . . . . Page 9 Deadline for the next edition Friday 20th January for Bookings/Alterations/ Cancellations

Friendly note to our customers: The index is a free service and the publishers cannot accept responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions. Multiple insertions depend on available space.

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Visit: www.local-answer.co.uk | January 2012

Page 31

Save over 50% on all Servicing & Repairs.

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FCC_A5Landscape_Layout 1 06/06/2011 11:25 Page 1

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T: 01642 750752 M: 07790 906316 The Local Answer is produced by Media Solutions NE Ltd and Printed by Acorn Web Offset (01924) 220633 The Local Answer | www.local-answer.co.uk | 01642 483304