Have Glue Gun Will Travel: Chapbook

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Copyrighted Š 2019, Simon Doonan All rights reserved. This book or any portion therof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed by The Moth, in the United States of America First printing 2018 The Moth 75 Broad Street, Suite 2601 New York, NY 10004 www.themoth.org

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Window-dresser suffers from a lack of credibility.

In this book he chronicles his journey into retirement where he struggles to find his credibility. An opportunity arises for him to be a judge in a reality TV crafting competition. Will his lack of credibility sabatoage the show or will he once again find his place in the creative community.

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My gravitas is totally missing. I have only myself to blame for this problem. It’s all self-inflicted four decades ago I decided to become a window dresser. Yes, those people that you see scampering around in store windows up ladders with glue guns making like giant poodles out of feather dusters and dressing mannequins in freaky outfits making things out of twigs and macaroni. I became one of those people four decades ago and I threw myself into it and I became a famous window dresser. Dressing the windows at Barney’s and winning Awards. I loved it. And you know, it’s one of the most

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fluffy ephemeral professions. It’s right up there with being a fluffer in the strip club or being a ventriloquist. It’s like a total joke profession.

So, in 2017 I had put down the glue gun. I’d moved away from the glue gun. I had retired.

I was looking down the barrel of 65 my mailbox was jammed with AARP brochures and I could hear this clicking sound in my mind and I thought is that my dentures in a glass or is that a cocktail, you know on a patio in Boca Raton. So,retirement was beckoning.

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and practical jokes. I mean whoopee cushions, everything. We just have a very teasey kind of relationship.

So I went to my first audition and I did my best to appear bubbly and vivacious and lively and youthful and they called me back.

Then there was another call back and another call back and friends and family were anxious to manage my expectations, “you know, it is a network show and they are probably meeting with a lot of people” and even my agent was managing my expectations “we’ll see how this works out.” They didn’t realize that my expectations were already low, low, low, way down because who was going to hire me to be an expert judge with my staggering lack of credibility.

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Over breakfast Johnny made an astonishing announcement. He said, “oh, by the way, I got a call yesterday. They want me to come and audition for the expert judge role on Making It.” Great.

And I realized instantly that Johnny had become the front-runner. He is after all a master craftsman. He makes ceramics and has done so all his life. I on the other hand have spent my life making penguins out of paper-mâché and throwing glitter at them and making giant spiders out of discarded pantyhose. So I was, I was a carnie and he was the one with all the crafting cred. He’s going to get it. In addition to which Johnny had also previously played an expertjudging roll on a competition show called Top Design where he famously dismissed contestants with the phrase, “See you later

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decorator.� So, Johnny was a shoe-in, a shoe-in! So I took on an earnest kind of support role helping him with his audition outfits and helping him workshop some little catch phrases. I became Max the chauffeur to his Norma Desmond. I became like Mamacita to his Joan Crawford just trying to be helpful.

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I found this eerie magnanimity. This magnanimity was kind of sinister. I mean I didn’t trust him I mean was he planning some kind of dreadful revenge I mean like how long before like the toaster accidentally fell in the bath or he’d toss ball bearings on the stairs just as I’m about to descend to greet guests.

So there, then everything kind of went into fast-forward at that moment. We had to sign non-disclosure agreements. It was all very hush-hush and oh yes, in addition to my concerns about revenge. I also started to have real concerns about the show itself.

And suddenly my lack of credibility was going to be unfurled on national television

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and what if my lack of credibility, and I was playing the role of expert judge, was going to undermine the premise of the whole show and Nick Offerman and Amy Poehler would be just furious at me because I’d undermined torpedoed the whole venture. So I had other concerns in addition to the revenge from Jonathan. But everything I say, went into fast-forward, non-disclosure agreements were signed and I flew off to Malibu to do the filming for a month.

The first day contestants were challenged to make a spirit animal of themselves and one young lady made this sort of bulbous fluffy bunny out of mysterious fibers with big googly

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eyes. And another young lady made this unicorn a sort of Glam Rock Ziggy Stardust unicorn glitter and fluorescent paper. And then one young man made a pig, this grotesque looking pig out of felt.

Which had a mullet hair do, a pig with a mullet and I looked at these and thought these are my people.

I’m back amongst my people. It was like being back in the windows at Barney’s and I felt so at home. Not only that, when I started to deliver my critiques I was actually believed. Not only was I believed but, they were hanging on my every word and I realized when it comes to making giant spiders out of pantyhose, no one has more credibility than me.

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and then I realized Jonathan had told everyone that I was in rehab. When, when confronted he was unapologetic. He was like, “meh, Malibu, a month, passages, promises, yea I didn’t know what else to tell them. We weren’t supposed to talk about the show.”

To this day there are people in my orbit who are convinced, who will never not believe that I was not in rehab. But I don’t care because I realized that Making It the show was a reward for all those years, those decades, in the window dressing trenches a reward for the glue gun burns and all those late-night installations. It was like a Congressional Medal of Honor for window dressers.

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And I realized that the god of careers had smiled upon me. Thou shall have fun in thy career for decades, but thou shall not be taken seriously in the wider world and I realized that was a pretty good trade-off.

And haven’t all the most glamorous celebrities been to rehab. Mmhm!

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Credits Article : https://themoth.org/stories/have-glue-gun-will-travel

Photos : Page 7, http://trendnet.is/wp-content/uploads/ rff2013/2013/03/simon-donan.jpg Page 12, http://www.zimbio.com/photos/Simon+Doonan/ Jonathan+Adler/Weekly+25+Most+Stylish+New+Yorkers+2010/ CxatByQsuZ0 Page 21, https://www.nbc.com/making-it/photos/season-1/ meet-your-makers/3085496

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