Growing Seasons Coordinator Guide

Growing Seasons Coordinator’s Guide

By Jean Brunson

Communications should be addressed to: Turning Point Ministries, Inc. P. O. Box 22127 Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127 Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®.

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.

Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.

All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2001 by Turning Point Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved.

All rights are reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the Turning Point Ministries, Inc. ISBN 1-58119-047-6

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About the Author

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Jean Brunson has earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Social Welfare from Arizona State University and a Master of Science degree in Counseling from the University of Memphis. She has served Central Church in Memphis, Tennessee, in the area of pastoral counseling for over ten years. During this span of time, she has coordinated children’s support groups. She developed Growing Seasons, a curriculum for children who have suffered a loss due to death or divorce.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

GROWING SEASONS C

ontents Page

INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

4

WHY GROWING SEASONS? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

6

JUST FOR YOU, COORDINATOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8

Your Role as a Growing Seasons Coordinator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Most Often Asked Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

You Are Now Ready to Start Growing Seasons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Protection Policy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Children’s Ministry Position Application . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Growing Seasons Forms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8 13 16 17 18 19

FACILITATOR PREPARATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

21

Childhood Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Building Self-Esteem through Communication Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Discipline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Inattention and Hyperactivity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Recognizing Depression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Suicide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Child Abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Domestic Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Children of Alcohol/Drug Abusing Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

21 28 32 34 35 36 39 42 44

FACILITATOR TRAINING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

46

Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Needs of the Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Feeling Loved . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Listening Activity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Feeling Accepted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Reflective Listening Exercises . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Role-Play . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Reasons for Misbehavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Nuts and Bolts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Closing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

46 46 46 47 47 48 48 49 50 50 51

PARENT ORIENTATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

52

Introduction to Growing Seasons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Goal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Magical Thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

52 53 54 54

—Continued on next page

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

CONTENTS (continued)

How Do Children Deal with Grief? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What Can a Parent Do to Help? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Guidelines for Parents of Children Who Have Experienced a Loss . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Guidelines That Apply to Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Guidelines That Apply to the Death of a Parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Group Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

55 56 60 62 63 64

GROWING SEASONS CURRICULUM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

65

CURRICULUM AGE GROUP A (4-5 YEAR

..........................

66

Session One—A New Beginning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Two—A Time to Laugh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Three—Changes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Four—Sadness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Five—Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Six—Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Seven—Faith . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Eight—Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Nine—Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Ten—Acceptance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

66 70 73 77 81 85 89 92 96 99

OLDS)

CURRICULUM AGE GROUP B (1 -3 GRADES) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 ST

RD

Session One—A New Beginning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Two—Happy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Three—Changes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Four—Sadness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Five—Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Six—Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Seven—Faith . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Eight—Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Nine—Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Ten—Acceptance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

102 106 109 113 117 121 124 127 131 134

CURRICULUM AGE GROUP C (4 -6 GRADES) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137 TH

TH

Session One—New Beginnings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Two—Happy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Three—Changes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Four—Sadness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Five—Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Six—Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Seven—Faith . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Eight—Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Nine—Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Session Ten—Acceptance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

137 141 144 148 151 155 158 162 166 169

BIBLIOGRAPHY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Introduction Thank you for your willingness to work in a Growing Seasons support group for children who are grieving from a death or divorce in their families. Your concern for children is appreciated.

As you listen and share the love of God with these hurting children, we hope it will deepen your own walk with the Lord. Leading a group of children as they talk about their grief is an awesome responsibility, one for which you have been carefully chosen. We pray the Lord will bless you for your willingness to give of your time and your talent.

Children are not little adults. They think concretely, and the abstract concepts of death and divorce are often beyond their limited understanding. All they know is their life is falling apart around them and they are powerless to stop it.

They usually believe they can avoid the pain by avoiding the subject. Most children are completely incapable of sitting in a little “support group” circle and talking about their grief; but when their hands are busy, their defenses are lowered, and it becomes easier for them to share their stories.

One of the biggest mistakes a facilitator can make is to have expectations that are too high for the children. Do not expect to see major changes in the ten weeks the children are in your group. Unfortunately, the grief process lasts from two to five years. One of the purposes of Growing Seasons is to give the children coping skills to enable them to progress through the grief process in a healthy way. When a child moves from denial into anger or sadness, it may appear that the support group is not helping when, in reality, the child is being given the freedom to experience normal grief. Your job is to facilitate or “make easy” the sharing of their grief.

The material comes in two books, the Coordinator’s Guide and the Parent’s Guide.

The Coordinator’s Guide has two parts. Part one is training and preparation. It includes the following four sections: 1.

2.

3.

4.

Just for You, Coordinator Facilitator Preparation Facilitator Training Curriculum Parent Orientation Curriculum

Part two is the curriculum which comes in three age levels: 1. Level A—ages four and five 2. Level B—grades one, two, and three 3. Level C—grades four, five, and six The Parent Guide includes: 1. Information from the parents’ preparation training meeting.

2. For each of the ten lessons, there will be one parent’s preparation section followed by three activity sheets, one for each age level.

Never force children to talk about their situation. Just provide an environment that feels safe; and when they are ready, they will share. In the meantime, they are being helped by doing the lesson and listening to the other children. Keep in mind that some of the children in your group may be living lives that are so chaotic there is no time for fun. Others are wondering if anyone still loves them. Growing Seasons is rarely a time when children sit and cry about their losses. It is usually a time to have fun with friends and be themselves. Hopefully, it will be a time when they can feel the love of the Lord through you, the facilitator.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

As the community becomes aware of Growing Seasons, you may find children who have never before heard the name of Jesus unless it was in vain. This is an opportunity for your church or organization to reach the little ones in the community for God. It may be an opportunity to prevent children from carrying their anger into adolescence or adulthood and turning to drugs or violence. Whether a loss is due to divorce or death, the grief process is the same; and grieving children need a listening ear and a light that guides them to the true source of light, Jesus.

“When you decide to be a grief companion, to go with a child on a journey of sorrow, you walk into a rich, colorful honest world� (Johnson, 58).

The Lord has called you to this ministry. He will enable you.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Why Growing Seasons?

The answer is simple. We need Growing Seasons because God told us to “look after orphans and widows in their distress” (James 1:27). A look at the local news in recent years reminds us that even the children of the royal family of England are not immune to grief. After enduring their parents’ painful divorce, the young princes had to say goodbye to their mother following the tragic accident that took her life. Children all over the world are suffering from the death of family members and the breakup of the family, yet for the most part, their grief is being ignored by society.

“We want to be patient and gentle advocates as we assist these children to overcome their fear of being crushed forever by intense grief, to open their hearts, and to release the tears that relieve and exhaust their pent up pain” (Trozzi, 80).

As the divorce rate began to rise in our society, friends and families consoled their loved ones by saying that children are resilient, that they would be happy if the parents were happy. Yet in her recent book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Judith Wallerstein states: Children in postdivorce families do not, on the whole, look happier, healthier, or more well-adjusted even if one or both parents are happier.

National studies show that children from divorced and remarried families are more aggressive toward their parents and teachers. They experience more depression, have more learning difficulties, and suffer from more problems with peers than children from intact families. Children from divorced and remarried families are two to three times more likely to be referred for psychological help at school than those from intact families. More of them end up in mental health clinics and hospital settings. There is earlier sexual activity, more children born out of wedlock, less marriage and more divorce (p. xxiii).

It does not stop there. She adds that adolescence begins earlier and lasts longer in divorced homes. Also, drug and alcohol use is higher, and girls tend to have earlier sexual experiences (p. 299). She states, “But it’s in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most” (p. 299). Their lack of role models for relationships leaves them floundering. We can not prevent the pain of divorce for this generation, but we can help these children learn to trust enough to build healthy relationships. As we do that, we may be helping to reduce the divorce rate for the next generation.

Considering the fact that over one million American children suffer the divorce of a parent each year (Fagan, 1), this is a national problem. It is also a problem for the Christian community. For one thing, “Religious worship, which has been linked to health and happiness as well as longer marriages and better family life, is less prevalent in divorced families” (Fagan, 2). Christians have been given a mandate by God Himself to help the orphans and widows.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Children in single-parent homes feel just as lost and alone whether their loss was due to death or divorce. Although seeing the other parent every other weekend would seem to make the divorce easier, that arrangement presents its own set of problems. There is no question that children suffer from divorce. The question is: If the church does not help them, who will?

The death of a loved one is also devastating to a child. In this case, the church family is more likely to step in and help, but that help tends to be aimed at the adults and is often short-lived. Then the surviving family members are left alone in their grief. The adults are busy with their grief work, not to mention cleaning out closets and handling finances, while the children are left trying to figure out how to put the puzzle pieces of their own lives back together.

Children grieve differently in different developmental stages, and they tend to model the way their parents grieve. If parents are open with their grief and moving appropriately through the grief process, the children feel they have permission to grieve. Too often, adults believe that children do not grieve or that they benefit by ignoring the subject of the absent person completely. Children may feel comfortable with this approach because they think they can pretend the loss did not occur and they will be all right. The truth is the grief process can only be ignored for so long. Those buried emotions will come out sooner or later in damaging ways. If not dealt with, the loss of a parent or sibling can cause disruptions even in adult life and in future parenting. Who is helping these children move into adulthood without the baggage of unresolved grief?

Who is helping them understand death from God’s perspective? Sadly, the truth seems to be that not many are helping. That is the answer to the question: “Why Growing Seasons?”

“Children who have been given the keys of knowledge and guided through their grief won’t experience the illnesses and mental breakdowns our parents sometimes suffered because they were expected to act as if nothing happened after a cherished mate or beloved child died” (Johnson, 7).

Growing Seasons provides a safe place for children to talk about their loss and helps them move through the grief process toward healing. The groups are small, usually with only three to five children, because the goal is to allow each of the children a chance to share feelings. It is designed to be led by volunteer facilitators who have been prepared by reading the Coordinator’s Guide and attending a training session. They are not professionals, just Christians who care about children.

Growing Seasons is not counseling; it is peer support. The children are asked to say a confidentiality pledge, agreeing they will not share what the other children in the group say.

Children are free to tell their parent what they say or what their facilitator says (it is best if it is the child’s choice) but not what other children say. It is important to understand the limits of confidentiality. If you suspect a child is being abused or is suicidal, you have a legal obligation to report that.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Just for You, Coordinator Your Role As a Growing Seasons Coordinator We hope you understand that your role as a Growing Seasons coordinator is essential to the success of the program. You have been given the great responsibility of recruiting and training facilitators, organizing the groups, and preparing the parents and guardians. You have also been given the tremendous opportunity to touch the lives of many children for Jesus through your work. Here are the steps you will need to take to successfully coordinate the Growing Seasons program:

1. Meet with your minister and children’s ministry leaders. If your church has a divorce recovery or grief recovery support program for adults, the leaders of these programs should also attend. Show them the materials and share the need to help grieving children. Explain that this will help the children in your own congregation and can, if you choose, also be an outreach to the community. Invite them to attend your first facilitator training and parents’ orientation. Ask your minister or someone on your pastoral staff to supervise your work every step of the way. Stay in close touch with this person.

2. Recruit and schedule a time to train facilitators. It cannot be overemphasized how important it is to be careful in the recruiting of facilitators. We live in an age when child abuse is rampant and abusers can be the ones who seem to have a great rapport with children. If your church has a program in place for screening child care workers, follow it carefully.

If not, we have included a sample of a protection policy and a children’s ministry application as a guide. Since churches face the same legal vulnerabilities using volunteer workers as they do using paid employees, screening procedures should include an employment application, screening form, a personal interview, reference checks, and a criminal records check when it is deemed appropriate. Do not recruit a new member unless they can provide reliable references from previous churches. Even then, it would be best to wait until they have proven themselves trustworthy in other areas of service in your church. Maybe they could even assist you for ten weeks by helping to obtain materials.

If possible, check for criminal or child abuse records with law enforcement officials for any potential facilitators. The best policy is to recruit people you know well or those who have worked with children successfully in your church. In recruiting, be sure to tell candidates that it is not the same as teaching Sunday school. It is not teaching, but listening.

Also, be sure they understand that they are never to be behind closed doors with the children.

8

Growing Seasons is not a substitute for medical or psychological care. We never advise anyone to stop taking medication or cancel their doctor’s care.

We give our time, compassion, and love solely as caring people who want to be channels of Christ’s love to help children. As noncredentialed persons, we promise no professional psychological expertise.

Who would make a good facilitator?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Counselors Teachers Nurses Attorneys Sunday school teachers Grandparents Choir members Scout leaders Coaches Anyone who has had and resolved a loss as a child 11. Anyone who has worked with children long enough to be proven trustworthy

Who would not make a good facilitator?

1. Anyone who has never worked with children 2. Anyone who is new to your church 3. Anyone who abuses any substance 4. Anyone who has had a recent loss 5. Anyone who does not seem psychologically healthy 6. Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Trust the Holy Spirit to guide you.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Once the facilitators are recruited, they are given the Coordinator’s Guide, the one you are now reading. Ask them to read the entire guide, with the exception of this section, before your training session. Before they ever receive their Coordinator’s Guide, they need to know the rule is: Follow the curriculum. Remind them to write down any questions they may have and bring them to the training. The time allotted for training should be a minimum of two hours, and three would be better. If you schedule it the same time and day of the week that you will have your groups, you are less likely to have conflicts. Those who do not come to the training cannot facilitate a group.

3. Get the word out. The size of your program is only limited by the number of facilitators you recruit and the number of rooms you have for groups. The number of children needing Growing Seasons is unlimited. Ask God to bring the numbers of facilitators and children together for you. It is probably better to limit the number of children to 25-30 for the first session. If your church is small, you can have a program with two or three children and one coordinator/facilitator. As people hear about Growing Seasons, they will tell their friends and the numbers will increase. You will find some ideas to get the word out in the shaded column on the right.

Where do I find facilitators?

1. Attend a Sunday school teachers’ training session and introduce the idea.

2. Put a notice in the church newsletter or bulletin.

3. Attend your adult Sunday school classes, choir practices, and other groups to ask for prayer and volunteers.

4. Ask your minister to announce the program on Sunday morning, asking for prayer and volunteers.

5. Go directly to those you feel would be interested and effective and ask them to pray about it.

How do I get the word out?

1. Ask your minister to let you tell about Growing Seasons in the worship service.

2. Set up a table in the church foyer on Sunday morning to register children.

3. Place posters and brochures around the church.

4. Send a flyer to your members or to your entire community.

5. Attend a Sunday school teachers’ training meeting and ask the teachers to recommend the program to the parents of children who have had a loss.

6. Place a small advertisement in a local paper.

7. Ask for time on a local radio station.

8. Write an article for your church bulletin and newsletter.

9. Talk directly to the parents of children you know have experienced a death or divorce.

10. Talk to the adults in any divorce recovery or grief support groups your church or community may have.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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4. Sign up participants. There is a sample registration form in this guide. It is easier if you make your forms in duplicate so the coordinator and the facilitator can both have a copy.

Be sure you have a signed permission slip for each child.

Sometimes the custody issue is complicated. Short of asking to see custody papers, the best you can do is to ensure your permission slips include the statement, “I have custody of this child.” Be sure to advertise the closing date of registration and emphasize that there will be no registration at the door. In order to group the children effectively, the coordinator needs a final count no later than one week prior to the first session.

5. Pray. Your participation in the Growing Seasons ministry has the potential to touch many lives for the Lord. Be sure to cover every step of the way with prayer. Pray for the facilitators, the parents, the children, and for divine guidance for your own part in the program.

6. Prepare. Read and understand this manual thoroughly. It would also be helpful if you could spend some time reading other information on children’s grief and communication skills.

7. Pick a location and set it up. Growing Seasons groups last one hour. The hour is broken down into four segments with suggested times for each segment. This can serve as a guide for each lesson, but it is not intended to take away your flexibility. If you need to have the children for more than one hour, it is recommended that the remaining time be used for play, organized games, or a video. The ideal time for Growing Seasons groups would be at the same time as divorce recovery or grief support groups for adults. This would prevent the family from having to come two nights.

You could have it on Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, or even Saturday mornings. Think about what works best for your church or organization. Groups can also be after school in Christian schools. They can be led by teachers, counselors, or trusted parents.

The ideal place for Growing Seasons is classrooms but be creative in your choice of location if classrooms are not available. The ideal size for groups would be one facilitator and not more than five children. For level A, it would be helpful to have no more than three children or have two facilitators. The building of a relationship is an important element of the program. If there are too many children, relationships suffer. There is one important rule: The door is never closed. As the coordinator, you are responsible to walk by each room several times while the children are in groups to be sure everyone is safe.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Children learn by doing, so the supplies are an important part of the program. Once you have them together, the next ten weeks is much easier. You might want to ask a volunteer to be in charge of supplies, or you might feel more comfortable doing it yourself. Many of the items will probably already be in your Sunday school supply closet. A trip to a discount store or a dollar store may be all you need. Many dollar stores have night lights with Jesus or an angel on them. These are great instead of flashlights. They also have inexpensive mirrors, journals, and birthday bags. Provide a grocery bag for each facilitator. Using a marker, write the leader’s name, age level (A, B, or C), and room number. Fill a plastic bag with pencils, markers, and scissors. Before each session, all you have to do is look at the supply list for each level and put those items in the bags. You can have the facilitators pick up and return the bags to a central location each week.

8. Put the children in groups. Once you have had the facilitator training and the parents’ orientation, it is time to put the children in groups. Take the registration sheets and divide them into two stacks, one for death and one for divorce.

Then divide each stack into the three age levels. Now prayerfully, sort the groups. If possible, do not put children who have had a death with children who have had a divorce.

If some may have had both, use your discretion. Ideally, you would be able to have neat groups of five children and one leader in each level, but the ideal is only that.

“To grieve, then play, then grow: This is the way of children” (Johnson, 86).

In grouping children, use these guidelines as much as possible, but you must be flexible. A large church may have several groups in each grade level, but a small church may have one group of three children of varied ages. Both churches can minister to the children God brings to them.

First, try to separate siblings and then try to have the sexes mixed. It is better not to have one girl or boy alone with only the opposite sex. If you have more than five in an age and enough facilitators, separate the group into two. If you do not have another facilitator, move the one closest to the younger or older age group to a different level. For instance, if in level B you have two first graders, two second graders, and two third graders, you might look at birthdays or maturity levels in making your decision as to which child to move to a younger or older group. Also consider the ages in the other group. If you have mostly kindergartners in level A and mostly sixth graders in level C, move the youngest first grader to level A. Children can attend Growing Seasons over and over again, so you could also move a child who has been in one age level for a long time to the next level. Just make the decisions prayerfully, and let the Lord guide you.

Once you have the children in groups, you can either call or e-mail the list to the facilitators. The facilitators then call the parent of each child in his or her group and introduce themselves. They can answer any questions about the program, give the room number, and discuss the importance of Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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using the parents’ book. This is a good time to ask questions about the child’s personality and living situation. This phone call is an opportunity to minister to the parent and should not be rushed.

9. The first night. You have trained the facilitators, oriented the parents, and grouped the children. Finally, it is time to get started. The best advice for the first night is: Get lots of help. High school students, family members of facilitators, friends from your Sunday school class, or anyone who can give about 45 minutes will be a great asset. We would recommend one extra person for each ten children. If you follow the suggestions you have been given thus far, it should go relatively smoothly; but there will generally be a thousand questions from two thousand people (a slight exaggeration), and you will be able to use all the help you can get. Be sure the facilitators know to be there early.

10. Beyond the first night. Take a deep breath and relax. You deserve it. Now your responsibilities include:

Organizing the first night.

1. Set up the rooms, including the unsigned registration forms, the supply bags, the planting material, and the cupcakes.

2. Have several copies of the list of children with their facilitator’s name and room number. Give one copy to each volunteer so they can help direct the children to their rooms.

3. Assign one or two volunteers to take your copy of the registration forms which the parent has brought from the child’s facilitator, collect money if necessary, and distribute the books to the parents.

They will give one book to each family. If a child has attended Growing Seasons before, the parent may not need a book.

A. Being sure the supplies are ready and in the rooms.

B. Supporting your facilitators.

C. Carefully watching the rooms when the children are present.

D. Handling any problems that occur.

E. Staying in touch with your minister.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Most Often Asked Questions 1. Why does Growing Seasons last 10 weeks instead of 12 like many support groups?

It is easier to fit two 10-week sessions into a school year. You can finish the fall session before Thanksgiving and the spring session before sports and endof-school activities get into full swing.

Attendance tends to drop in late November and May. If you would like to extend the time, have something fun like a movie night or a party at the end.

2. Can a child attend Growing Seasons for more than one 10week session?

Yes, the grief process can last for two to five years, so one 10-week session may not be enough for some children. Also, after a loss, there can be many new adjustments as time goes on such as changes in custody arrangements or a remarriage. Some children attend every time it is offered for several years. They beg to come back.

3. What if a child refuses to come the first night?

The first night is all fun. Have the parent encourage a reluctant child to try it just once. Children almost always want to come back.

4. What age does a child have to be to start Growing Seasons?

Growing Seasons is for ages 4-12.

They can start at any of these ages. The child really needs to have had the fourth birthday or be very close.

Thirteen- and fourteen-year-old siblings have attended and benefitted. Be flexible depending on the situation and maturity of the child.

5. What if the child does not remember the loss or the mother was never married? Can these children attend?

Yes, any child who has lost a parent, whether through death, divorce, or abandonment, can benefit from Growing Seasons. Living in a singleparent home causes grief even if the child does not remember the loss. A child feels the loss of a parent daily. It is the loss of the dream of having both parents. It is the loss of Dad at soccer games or Mom on field trips. These children pine for the other parent but feel even less free to talk about it at home.

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If the sibling of a child has died and the child does not remember the sibling, there may still be some benefit to the child from Growing Seasons. The death of a child has such a profound effect on parents that the surviving sibling may need an opportunity to talk about how it feels to live in a family where the memory of their brother or sister is ever present. Many may even blame themselves for the death.

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6. What about children with a disability?

Children who are able to go to school should be able to attend Growing Seasons. As the coordinator, do whatever you can to make the groups accessible to all children. The disability also causes grief for the children, so they can benefit in more ways than one by learning coping skills and having the opportunity to express deep emotions.

7. Will the parent or facilitator see a change in the children?

There may or may not be any immediate observable changes in the children.

They may seem more confident, less angry, and more able to tell their family members how they feel. These changes are real but sometimes only observable after a longer period of time.

8. What should children be told about Growing Seasons?

Tell them it is a place where children who have suffered a loss come together. Specify death or divorce depending on the situation. Calm their fears by letting them know they can talk about their loss if they want to but they do not have to. They will make new friends and have fun. Be sure they are familiar with the word divorce and know that their parents are getting one before they attend the first session.

9. What is the best group size?

Three to five children is the ideal group size for developing a relationship. Be flexible.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

10. Can children join a group after it has started?

If there is room in the group, a child can be added the second week. After that time, it would be better to wait until the next session. Otherwise, you would be asking them to talk about their difficult issues without building a relationship first.

11. Why does the curriculum practically ignore the loss issues for the first two lessons?

The first two sessions are used to build relationships and introduce the idea of talking about feelings. Children are free to talk about their issues at any time, but most prefer to wait until they feel more comfortable with the others in their group.

12. Why do the lessons include so many activities?

The activities are designed to make the abstract issues of death and divorce more concrete for the children and facilitate communication on a feeling level.

13. How much preparation time is needed for facilitators?

It is recommended that the coordinator be responsible for obtaining supplies.

Facilitators need to read the Coordinator’s Guide (approximately two hours), attend the training session (two hours), and call the parents before the first meeting (two to three hours for the entire group). After that, they need to spend time in prayer for the children in their group and prepare the lesson.

Preparation requires less than thirty minutes for most people. Prayer time is flexible. Many facilitators call each child in their group once a week.

14. How is the Parents’ Guide used?

The Parents’ Guide is designed to educate the parents and give the children a opportunity to talk about what they did in their groups. They include the curriculum for the parent preparation session, a page or two that prepares parents to talk to their child about the issues they discussed in their groups, and a simple activity the parents can do with their children. The parents should be encouraged to read the preparation pages and do the activity with their children each week after the groups meet.

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This provides an opportunity for children to talk to their parents about the things that are bothering them. Remind parents that the activities should be used to open the door for children to talk but never to force them to disclose more than they are ready to disclose, or to probe for information about the other parent in a divorce.

15. What if the lesson is finished and the hour is not over?

It is recommended that each facilitator bring a favorite game or puzzle to do with the children if they have extra time.

Some children behave better if they have something fun to anticipate at the end of the session.

16. What if a facilitator is unable to attend one session?

There are several ways you can handle this. None of them are ideal because part of the benefit of support groups is the building of relationships. There are times it is unavoidable. If you know ahead of time, you can get a trained substitute. If it is last minute, you can put the children with another facilitator who leads the same level or the coordinator can take the group.

You Are Now Ready to Start Growing Seasons Remember two things: 1. Be thoroughly familiar with the entire program before starting to train others.

2. If you have any questions, please call Turning Point at 800879-4770 or log on to the Internet at www.turningpointministries.org. We are here to help you make this a program that will improve the lives of children for years to come.

We pray that your experience as a Growing Seasons coordinator will be rewarding and that the Lord will bless you and your efforts greatly.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Children and Youth Protection Policy Policy and Procedure for Staff and Volunteers To: From: Date: Subject:

All Staff (Paid and Unpaid) Involved in Ministry to Young People _________________________________ Church _________________________________ Sexual Abuse of Young People

_________________________________ Church is a broad-based ministry encompassing people of all ages, early childhood throughout adulthood. The breadth of our ministry also extends to those who are in hurting conditions as well as to those who are involved in situations that are outside of what is acceptable behavior in the eyes of God and within the realm of society.

It is _________________________________ Church’s desire to honor and glorify God in all that we do. It is also our desire to minister effectively and to bring Jesus Christ to bear in a meaningful way on as many lives as possible.

As a part of that ministry, we are very sensitive to the importance of maintaining the welfare of every young person who comes into the ministry of _________________________________ Church. It is our privilege to extend to that child the protection and assurance of being able to be ministered to in an environment free from any harm or the threat of harm. It is also our responsibility to the parents/guardians as well as to the laws of the land to ensure that each child is treated accordingly. Therefore, as the spiritual leadership of_________________________________ Church as well as the directors and officers of ______________ ________________________ Church, we establish the following policy: Anyone involved in an active ministry with the young people of _________________________________ Church, whether paid staff or unpaid staff, will be required to fill out a Ministry Position Application and provide the information therein for the department in which that person will be ministering. That application shall include but not be limited to personal references, information regarding religious background, criminal information, and instructions regarding the handling of any behavior unacceptable to the ministry and/or the laws of the land.

The heads of the departments and different ministries of the church will be responsible for ensuring that the appropriate applications are adequately filled out and researched for each and every worker who is involved with the young people in the ministry of _________________________________ Church. This indeed will be a policy that is burdensome in that it will require time and effort on the part of staff as well as volunteers. However, in today’s world there is no option but for the church to be responsible for implementation for the preceding policy and procedure that will ensure the integrity of the ministry.

I.

The A. B. C. D.

priorities of the ministry of _________________________________ Church and its ministries are: To honor and glorify God. The welfare of the young people.

Its responsibility to the parents/guardians and the laws of the land.

Its responsibility to minister to and help anyone who is involved in sexual abuse, whether victim or perpetrator, and to maintain strict confidentiality regarding such.

E. The integrity and protection of _________________________________ Church and its ministries.

II.

__________________________ Church’s first and foremost responsibility is to honor God by obeying Scripture. The Scriptures are very plain in commanding us to obey the laws of the land. Any occurrence of abuse within the responsibility and authority of ____________________ _________________ Church is to be handled in accordance with the laws of the land as well as the scriptural admonitions of Matthew 18 and Matthew 5 and any other applicable scriptures.

III.

It is vitally important to document all the information pertaining to any abuse incident that is brought to your attention.

Do not hesitate to recommend professional counseling. Document your recommendation. It is important to tell other family members of your recommendation and document that as well. We want to ensure that every step is taken for any victims or perpetrators to receive the professional help that is necessary in such a situation.

IV.

Anyone who receives any information regarding an incident of sexual abuse or suspicions of such abuse should report that information directly to the head of the department and speak to no one else about such incidents or suspicions. It is vitally important that we maintain confidentiality in these matters as well as to respond quickly and appropriately to the situation at hand. The head of the department will then be responsible for advising the pastor and the church’s legal representatives about the incident for the contact with the appropriate legal authorities or the State Attorney General in order to ensure that the objectives of the ministry of __________________________________ Church as enumerated in I. above are effectively fulfilled.

FOR CHURCH OFFICE USE ONLY:

Member Number _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Department _________________________________ Class ___________________ Coordinator___________________________ © Copyright by Central Church, Memphis, TN. Used by permission. Reproducible for Growing Seasons only.

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Children’s Ministry Position Application Please Print Position Applying For ______________________________________________________________________________ First Name _______________________________ M.I. ________ Last Name _________________________________ Preferred Name _____________________________ Spouse’s Name __________________ Birthdate ____________ Address _________________________________ City _____________________ State ________ Zip _____________ Home Phone ________________________________ Work Phone _________________________________________ What is your relationship with __________ Church? _____Member _____Regular Attender ____Other (Please Explain) _________________________________________________________________________________________ Please list three references within the church who are familiar with your involvement in _____________________ Church.

Name ______________________________________ Phone and/or Address ________________________________ Name ______________________________________ Phone and/or Address ________________________________ Name ______________________________________ Phone and/or Address ________________________________ What other churches have you attended regularly in the last 5 years? ______________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ Please share your experience regarding your relationship with Jesus Christ.__________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ Do you have any physical handicaps or conditions that could prevent you from performing certain types of activities relating to children or children’s work? _____No _____Yes If so, please explain.____________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ *In the last five years, have you been convicted of any felony or misdemeanor? ____No ____Yes If so, please explain._________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ *Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor regarding child abuse, sexual molestation, or any other crime against children? ____No ____Yes If so, please explain. ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ * You will not be denied ministry opportunity solely because of a conviction record unless the offense is related to the position for which you have applied.

Please read the following paragraph before signing this application.

I certify that the information contained in this application is correct to the best of my knowledge and understand misstatement or omission of information is grounds for dismissal in accordance with __________________________________ Church’ s policy. I authorize the references included herein to give you any and all information concerning my previous employment, church relationship, or any pertinent information that they may have, personal or otherwise, and release all parties from all liability for any damage that may result from furnishing same to you. I agree to conform to the rules and regulations of __________________________________ Church and understand that I can be terminated at the option of either the church or myself. I understand that any and all information provided herein may be independently verified.

Applicant’s Signature ______________________________________________ Date ________________________ © Copyright by Central Church, Memphis, TN. Used by permission. Reproducible for Growing Seasons only.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Forms Growing Seasons Commitment Form I have read the Coordinator’s Guide and understand the need of grieving children for a listening friend. I realize children need a stable, reliable person to offer them support while they heal from the pain of their loss.

I understand that the key values and structure of Growing Seasons have been carefully designed to minister to the needs of grieving children. I promise to support the core values of Growing Seasons, and I will remain faithful to following the guidelines of this program.

I promise to do my best to be that person for my Growing Seasons group. I promise to pray for each child in my group regularly. I promise, to the best of my ability, to be present and on time each week. If it is not possible for me to be present due to sickness or emergency, I promise, if at all possible, to call each child in my group to tell him or her personally why I will not be present. Most important, I promise to share God’s love with each child in my group.

Signature____________________________________

Date_____________________

© Copyright by Central Church, Memphis, TN. Used by permission. Reproducible for Growing Seasons only.

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Growing Seasons Helping Children Heal from Divorce and Other Losses Registration and Permission Form Child’s Name____________________________________________Sex____________Age_______Grade________ Address_______________________________________City_______________________State_____Zip__________ Parent’s Name__________________________________________________Home Phone____________________ Work Phone___________________________________ May we call you at work?_________________________ Church_________________________________________________________________________________________ Has child attended Growing Seasons before?_________ Leader’s Name_______________________________ What church do you attend?______________________________________________________________________ Briefly describe child’s family situation and living arrangement.

Is there anything we should know about your child?

I have custody of this child and give permission for him/her to attend Growing Seasons. I understand that my child can choose to tell me anything he/she or the leader says in the group, but the things the other children say are confidential. I understand that Growing Seasons is not counseling but a peer support group led by volunteers.

Parent Signature________________________________________________Date____________________________

© Copyright by Central Church, Memphis, TN. Used by permission. Reproducible for Growing Seasons only.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Facilitator Preparation Childhood Grief Grief is a natural process which occurs in response to any loss: death, divorce, health or a part of the body, a pet or treasured possession, or burglary, or the loss of familiar surroundings because of a move. It is not an emotion but a whole array of all types of emotions fighting for attention.

Without love, there is no grief; and like love, grief varies in intensity, affecting the body, mind, spirit, and social relationships.

“Death and grief are a part of our very being. To recognize that is, in a sense, to truly live” (Johnson, 7).

Normal grief is a necessary part of healing from a loss.

Those who are grieving need time and a good listener to help them through the grieving process. Abnormal grief occurs when someone withdraws too long, pushes others away, becomes bitter or depressed, adopts the symptoms of the loved one who died, or becomes involved with detrimental activities such as drugs or alcohol. Grief also affects the immune system. Children, like adults, need to go through the grief process, but they often grieve differently.

The Trauma The loss of a loved one due to divorce or death has a longlasting effect on children. Just as they are learning to trust the world around them, their entire sense of security is shaken. Yet few children make it through childhood without experiencing some type of major grief. Of the children born today, 20 percent will have lost a parent to death by the time they are 18 (Goldman, 3), and half of all children born to married parents in the year 2000 will experience a divorce in their family before the end of high school (Fagan, 1). In the past, adults have avoided talking about the loss, hoping that it would not affect the children because they did not understand. It was the fact that they did not understand that made it even more damaging. Children live in a world of fantasy and magical thinking. They are egocentric and believe everything revolves around them. With no one to explain what really happened, they make up their own explanation. Their imaginations run wild as they try to understand what has happened to their world and what they did to cause it. They think such thoughts as, “Maybe I wasn’t good enough,” or “I got mad at Daddy and he left me.” This produces much guilt that would be too embarrassing for the child to admit. Children need someone to explain the truth about what happened and convince them they did nothing to cause it. Telling them once is not enough; their beliefs are strong and they hold on to them tightly. Even older children who know logically that it was Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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not their fault still feel in their heart that they are responsible for what happened. Adults also revert to this way of thinking at times with “if only I had ...” types of thoughts.

This guilt has a detrimental effect on the child’s self-esteem.

As one precocious second-grade girl expressed, “I know I did not cause the divorce, but I still feel like I did.”

The Loss of Identity Bereaved children also feel a loss of identity and sense of control over their lives after a divorce or death. The identity of children comes from their place in the family; and when the family changes, the child has to search for a new identity. The loss of a sibling forces a child to move into a new place in the family system. If a parent dies and the remaining parent remarries, the child has to adjust to yet another new family identity. One seven-year-old had what she called, “My first father, my second father, my third father, and my fourth father.” She never met her biological father, and there was no one to call “Daddy.” She had many stepfathers but no male with whom she could identify.

Finding their place in this world is difficult for youngsters in this day and age even under the best of circumstances.

Changing the name of the child or the parent can complicate things even more. Grieving children are often unable to control the direction of their lives and may develop a feeling of powerlessness. They may become rebellious to adults or class bullies to children in order to gain a sense of control. They need someone outside of themselves on whom they can depend, and they need to know that when others fail them, God is always there.

“So many of us feel uncomfortable around sadness and mourning that we want people to ‘get better’ so we’ll feel better. We ignore the behaviors and feelings. We push them aside. We pretend they’re not there. But, like the weather, they’re there all right; and once we know they’re normal and an active, often healing part of grief, they aren’t as frightening” (Johnson, 80).

Reactions to Loss at Different Ages Children’s understanding of loss changes as they grow.

Infants and toddlers have no understanding of object permanence. They enjoy the game of “peek-a-boo” because it helps them begin to accept separation and return. They do not understand that some people do not return, so they cannot conceive of the permanence of death or the loss of a parent due to divorce. They may, however, respond to the emotions of those around them. If a child at this age loses the nurturing parent, bonding may be broken. For the future health of children who have had bonding broken, it is essential that they bond with another person in order to learn trust. Children who have not completely bonded might be quite charming, but they have difficulty developing long-term relationships because they have never developed trust. These children need much emotional support and often could benefit from counseling.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Preschool children also do not understand object permanence, and there is much magical thinking at this stage.

Because they feel responsible for the loss, they may feel guilt and shame. It is common for children this age to temporarily revert to more infantile behavior for a while after a loss. In the case of divorce, they hold tightly to the wish and belief that their family will be reunited, believing that if they wish hard enough, it will happen.

Between the ages of six and ten, children begin to understand that death is final and every living thing will eventually die. They still want to see death as a person like the grim reaper or a ghost (Johnson, 24). It is important that euphemisms not be used because children are still concrete and take every word literally.

Children who experience a death or divorce in early elementary school have much sadness, but they feel they must control it. Their misbehavior can be a direct result of trying to avoid feelings. In fact, it seems that often when children misbehave, a heart-to-heart talk will uncover a recent hurt or misunderstanding. It still bothers them, but they do not know how or are afraid to talk about it. Cindy, a second grader, gets silly or leaves the room when anyone gets too close to her source of pain. If she is not encouraged to express her emotions, she may never resolve her grief.

Death can be explained as the time when the body stops moving and breathing and the spirit leaves it. A concrete way to explain this is to use a puppet. When a hand is in a puppet, it moves. When the hand is removed from the puppet, the part that makes it move is gone and the puppet is lifeless.

Tell the children that the body is lifeless when the spirit is removed.

Older children and young adolescents feel sad, but they feel more comfortable expressing their anger. They long to retreat to their childhood just when more responsibility is being expected of them. A 13-year-old girl may bring out the dolls she had long ago put into boxes in the attic.

Young teens may feel guilty about their normal adolescent rebelliousness, or they may regret that they did not spend more time with the person they lost. Linda, a woman in her forties, shed tears of regret when she told of the early morning argument she had years ago with her mother who died suddenly later that day. Despite their feelings of anger and guilt, adolescents will try to find meaning in the loss.

Children of all ages who are grieving may feel sad, lonely, guilty, and very angry. They are often in constant motion,

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and many have difficulty concentrating in school. They need an opportunity to express these strong feelings in an appropriate way. Like adults, children need to grieve a loss; but also like adults, they can resolve the loss if they had a reasonably secure relationship with the parent before the loss, receive prompt and accurate information about the loss, participate in the family grieving rituals, and have a comforting adult to rely upon. There are usually no rituals for a divorce, but a support group gives the child the opportunity to grieve with others in the same way a funeral would.

“All humans feel isolated or alone in their pain because grief is idiosyncratic; that is, every person has his or her own style of grieving” (Trozzi, 34).

After a loss, children of all ages need to be comforted and made to feel secure. They need to be reminded that the loss was not their fault and told what to expect in everything from funeral arrangements to living arrangements as soon as possible. More than anything, they need to know they are not alone.

The Stages of Grief Grief occurs in stages for adults and children. These stages are not necessarily chronological, and a person can go back and forth through the stages many times. It can take from two to five years to go through normal grief. A good listener helps by allowing a grieving friend to tell the stories over and over while accepting the person’s emotions.

Without this help, grief can stay unresolved only to resurface later as addiction, physical problems, or relationship problems.

Although each child will experience grief in their own unique way, there are phases of grief that most will go through on the road to acceptance. In her book, Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, Claudia L. Jewett describes the grief process in three phases. In phase one, children will experience: (1) shock and numbing, (2)alarm, (3) denial and disbelief (23-32). The shock and numbing seem to be God’s way of letting the loss sink in slowly.

Once the realization of the loss or separation has begun, many children begin to go through the motions of the daily life mechanically, like robots. They may seem lifeless, automatically smiling on cue. Underlying this behavior there is usually a good deal of apprehension, and their “flatness” may be broken by outbursts of panic. It is not unusual for children to become very withdrawn, ignoring their normal activities and sitting for long periods gazing into space (2324).

Three Phases of Grief

Phase One 1. Shock and numbing

2. Alarm

When children begin to realize the danger to themselves, they become alarmed. This involves the physical reaction to the stress of separation. These reactions include “increased heart rate and muscular tension, sweating, dryness of 24

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

mouth, and bowel and bladder relaxation. Shortness of breath is common as well as deep sighing and rapid breathing, especially when talking about the lost person” (25).

Insomnia is common at the time of loss and again on holidays. At this time, the child needs reassurance, comfort foods, warm blankets, comforting sounds, and structure.

The caretaker should focus on the day’s activities.

Jewett explains several ways denial can be manifested (2831). The child may seem to forget the loved one is not returning. The loved one may be rejected or the very existence of that person be denied. It may be the emotions that are denied as if to say, “I don’t feel anything, so this isn’t happening.” Denial may also take the form of hyperactivity or excessive talking. An adolescent may turn to drugs or hide behind headphones. The child may have a fear of being alone which can lead to sleeping difficulties. Some children are too busy adjusting to a new situation to grieve.

If denial continues longer than three to six months, professional counseling may be needed.

3. Denial and disbelief

Jewett calls the second phase acute grief (32-48). This phase involves: (1) yearning and pining, (2) searching, (3) strong feelings, (4) disorganization, (5) despair, and (6) reorganization. Yearning and pining (32-35) is a time of conflict between sensitive and insensitive, thinking about the loss and ignoring it, being active and passive. These conflicts are exhausting, so more quiet time may be needed. It is not uncommon to see regression during this time.

The yearning and pining can continue throughout life as the person continues to dream that things could still be the way they were and the lost person could still be there to share special moments. If there was conflict in the relationship or a person was sick for a long time, there can also be a sense of relief.

Phase Two 1. Yearning and pining

In searching (35-38), the child is preoccupied with the lost person and may want to go places where that person would normally be. This is the time the child will bargain to get the person back, possibly by consciously or unconsciously promising to be good. Hyperactivity is normal at this time.

It is as if the child thinks he or she must do something to bring the lost person back.

Grief involves strong feelings, such as sadness, anger, guilt, and shame (39-42); however, grief is a personal thing and many other feelings can be involved. The child must be allowed to feel whatever the feelings are. Adults should drop everything and get close physically when their children are ready to express their feelings. Children model their parents in the way they express grief, so the parent’s ability to openly express emotions gives the child the free-

2. Searching

3. Strong feelings • sadness • anger • guilt • shame

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dom to mourn. Therefore, the children should be included in the mourning time of the family and offered the opportunity to attend funerals. Even in a divorce, it would be helpful to plan some ritual to mark the finality of the marriage. This allows a specific grieving time and a time to move on.

Children in acute grief feel a sense of disorganization (4246). Many children have difficulty concentrating and staying on task which often leads to a decline in learning and grades. “Children who have a set time to talk about their loss with a parent or another helping person are more likely to be able to focus themselves on schoolwork” (44).

Learning self-talk can help children pay attention, and lists can help them follow directions. Physical contact is helpful during the time a child is experiencing disorganization as well as during the time of despair.

Despair is the most difficult time in the grief process (4648), and it is a blessing that it only lasts about two weeks in children and two to three months in teens and adults.

Children feel hopeless and helpless. Some of the difficulties that may appear are physical symptoms, problems with the daily routine, slower speech, or even thoughts of suicide. It is unlikely that the thoughts will be acted upon. Despairing children may show no interest in food or they may use it to try to fill the emptiness. After this difficult time, children begin to reorganize their life and get on with the business of living (48). This is not necessarily a feeling of happiness, but the strong, overpowering feelings are gone. The children become survivors but are still extremely vulnerable to new losses.

Finally, the healing child moves into the third phase: integration of loss and grief (48-49). “The child’s self-esteem will be restored; and she will be able to enjoy life and other people, and to focus on the present and the future instead of the past” (49). Some children may not be able to reach this phase without outside help. They remain angry, depressed, or emotionally flat, often failing to thrive developmentally. Peer support groups such as Growing Seasons may help these children move on through the grief process, but some will need professional counseling.

4. Disorganization

5. Despair

6. Reorganization

Phase Three Integration of loss

Communicating with Grieving Children Little ones may have to go through grief, but they do not have to go through it alone. There are things others can do to help. Communication is important to dispel false information. What they need most is someone to listen, someone to reach out right away and be present, someone with 26

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whom they can cry and be vulnerable. Helpers must examine their own feelings toward death or divorce before talking to the children because children can tell when a person is uncomfortable. However, it is better to reach out feeling uncomfortable than not at all. Just be willing to admit that the subject is not an easy one to discuss. The important thing is to be honest about feelings. Answer questions truthfully and use correct terminology but at a level children can understand. Additional information and details can be added as they mature. Allow children to express emotions honestly and be accepting of whatever feelings they express, even negative comments about family members. Reassure the children that they will be loved, valued, and cared for as much as before and explain that their parents did not want this to happen. Being reminded that they are loved will help children to regain a sense of security in their world.

Misbehavior Children often express their grief through acting out.

There may be temper outbursts, aggression, defiance, rebelliousness, don’t care attitudes, or running away. Acting out can be better understood by considering the reasons behind it. When children feel powerless, misbehavior, fighting, and causing fear in others can give them a sense of control. They may feel abandoned and unloved and may act out to prove their feelings about themselves are correct.

There may be unconscious feelings that they deserve to be punished or thoughts that, if the loss is a parent, that parent will have to come back to inflict punishment. They may be rejecting others to avoid intimacy and thus the feeling of rejection in the future. Acting out may be the only way they know to express their negative feelings. This inappropriate behavior must be handled with understanding in a way that makes them feel cherished. They need to be reminded that they are still loved but their actions cannot be tolerated. Although limits must be set, the feelings need to be identified and accepted.

“Our body grieves. The most obvious sign of physical grief comes through tears. Children, especially young ones who are not yet ‘contaminated’ with social restrictions, show their grief openly with vivid body language” (Johnson, 112).

Grieving children need a caring adult to be there, listen, and love them. By volunteering to be a Growing Seasons facilitator, you are providing a safe place for wounded children to explore their emotions as they benefit from the support of a caring adult and peers who have also experienced a loss. We hope and pray this will be a valuable experience and a blessing for you and your group of children.

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Building Self-Esteem Through Communication Skills Establishment of Self-esteem Self-esteem is established early through life experiences.

Changes in family structure due to death or divorce can be damaging to self-esteem. A child with low self-esteem tends to accept their negative characteristics as inborn qualities and to process new information so it fits the image they already have of themselves. Even if they develop a new skill, they compare themselves to perfection. Of course, they come up short. On the other hand, a child with good self-esteem can accept a lack of skill without a loss of selfesteem. In order to change this, children need positive experiences from life fostered by the people around them and a feeling of acceptance and success for their efforts.

The fact that you are willing to be a facilitator shows that you believe children are valuable because God tells us they are. The goal is to communicate that to the children. Our verbal and nonverbal messages create the picture the children see of themselves (Briggs, 11-14). What you do speaks louder than what you say, so telling the children they are special is not enough if they do not feel special. Self-esteem can be enhanced by achievement, but then children must always achieve to feel good about themselves. No one always succeeds. If they feel loved, they can accept failure without severe damage to self-esteem. Self-esteem built on skills is shaky ground.

“Because every major loss disrupts the development of self-esteem, the smooth progression of life, and the sense that events are predictable and meaningful, recovery from such a loss requires that damaged self-esteem be repaired, continuity be reestablished, and a sense of meaning be restored� (Jewett, 129).

Children have two basic needs: to feel loved and to feel significant. They must feel they have value because of their existence, some control over their environment, and something to offer others (Briggs, 3-4).

Self-esteem is solidly built when children feel loved and worthwhile because they are children of God and they know He loves them unconditionally. They need to know their parents love them unconditionally as well. During the time of loss, they may be unsure of that; and unfortunately, grief and the reorganization of life after loss can make it seem that their parents only care about themselves.

Nevertheless, you can reassure children by reminding them their parents may be having a hard time right now, but even if they are too busy to show it, deep down their parents will always love them. For those children who have been abandoned by one or both parents, help them identify someone God put in their life who loves them unconditionally. Even if the children only feel loved the one hour a week they are in their Growing Seasons group, they are learning how it feels to have someone who cares, and hopefully, they will associate the love they feel from you with love from God.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Nonverbal Communication As facilitators, we want the children to feel loved and worthwhile. Our communication is like a mirror in which they see themselves, so it is important that we use good communications skills in our groups. For children, especially young children, nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication. If your nonverbal communication agrees with your verbal communication, then the children feel they can trust what you say. The setting of your group affects communication. If possible, sit the children in a circle close to you and each other. A table can be used, but children converse more openly if there is nothing between them and others so a blanket on the floor would be best. Be relaxed and keep eye contact with the child who is talking. Try to show interest through your facial expressions and gestures. Give plenty of hugs to the children who want them but never force touch of any kind. Be careful that there is no touching that can be misinterpreted. Keep your voice warm and involved. Of course, this is not a place for yelling. Discipline techniques will be discussed later. Using these communication tools will create an environment where the children feel comfortable enough to talk openly about their family situation.

“We may not always hear our youngsters’ cries, but we must be willing to listen and watch for what they say and don’t say. . . . Tummy aches, thumb sucking, moodiness, angry outbursts, tearful anxiety, and mature behavior can either mask or reveal their psychic pain and other grief feelings” (Trozzi, 11).

Listening for Feelings Learning to listen carefully for feelings will greatly enhance your communication skills and your effectiveness as a facilitator. The children do not always have the words for their feelings, so they may need help in labeling them. With young children, we will concentrate mostly on happy, scared, angry, sad, or uncomfortable. In training we will practice a skill called reflective listening. That involves listening for the feeling in a communication and reflecting that feeling word back to the child. A good way to use this skill would be to listen and then say, “It sounds like you feel_________.” If you are wrong, the children will correct you which makes them have to think about their feelings to answer you. Reflective listening requires sensitive listening to the children’s verbal and nonverbal messages and reflecting back the total message empathetically, without judgment. This kind of communication can be helpful to a child who is having behavior problems because negative feelings always exist before negative acts. Another underlying feeling always accompanies anger. When we respond to the anger by reflective listening, then children lead us to the underlying feeling. This helps the children feel understood which seems to diminish the strong feelings.

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Another communication skill is called “I” messages. An “I” message can be used when the children’s behavior causes a feeling in you. You can model the appropriate expression of feelings by showing your emotions without placing blame. The formula is: “When you do ________, I feel _________ because_________.” For example, “When you say unkind things to Billy, that makes me sad because I care about Billy’s feelings.” This skill helps children to be more open with their feelings as they see you modeling openness, and it can be a nonthreatening way to deal with misbehavior.

You can also prevent misbehavior and increase cooperation by giving good directions. When you are giving the children directions or information, it is important to be sure you have their attention because children are easily distracted in a group. Be specific as you firmly and politely say exactly what you want done. Always check to see if the children understand.

By using these listening skills, you can help the children talk about their deepest emotions. The skills are not difficult to use, but they do require practice. The training session will provide an opportunity to role-play some of them.

Verbal Listening Skills One of the goals of Growing Seasons is to help children move through the grief process by working through their feelings. When you listen with empathy to the children’s stories, they feel understood. For many children, telling their stories is difficult, so it is important that you put them at ease by using good communication skills.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Some of the skills that would be helpful are:

1. Restatement—Let the children know you are listening by restating what they said in your own words.

2. Confrontation—Point out the discrepancies between the children’s words and actions. For example, “You say you are sad, but you are smiling.” This helps the children see that their behavior is not matching their feelings and their behavior may need to be reevaluated.

3. Reflective listening—Give the children a word for their emotions. “It seems that you are angry.”

4. Minimal encouragers—Show you are listening by adding the “Uh-huhs” and “Yeses” as the children talk.

5. Summarization—Bring together the main points of what has been said.

6. Open-ended questions-—Ask questions that require children to explore their thoughts and feelings by having to give an explicit answer. They usually start with how, what, would, or could.

7. Closed-ended questions—These are used when asking for specific information. Closed-ended questions are necessary sometimes, but they do not encourage communication on a feeling level so try to use them sparingly.

8. Looking for false assumptions—Parents are often reluctant to tell the children all the facts about their loss, so the children’s imaginations run wild. These misconceptions can be carried into adulthood if not discovered and corrected.

Look for misconceptions and try to make sure the children know the truth at a level they can understand. In doing this, be careful not to tell the children facts that their parent may not want them to know. If in doubt, notify the parent of the misconception and allow him or her to help the child to understand the truth.

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Discipline All children need discipline from time to time, and children who attend Growing Seasons are experiencing a difficult time in their lives. Their behavior can reflect their emotions in several ways. Some may be withdrawn. Others are angry.

Some seem hyperactive when the truth is they do not want to talk about their pain. The best discipline is preventative.

Keep the children busy doing things they enjoy. Any idle time is an invitation for trouble so always have an idea for a game in mind if you finish early. There may be a session when the children are particularly active or uncooperative.

Some groups get more out of control toward the end of the ten sessions when they are more comfortable with you and their friends. Perhaps they are tired or something upsetting has happened at home. You cannot make them talk about these things; all you can do is provide an environment that is conducive to open communication and be a good listener.

The rest is up to them.

Facilitating a group of grieving children is not like teaching.

The children will probably be more active. This is often part of their denial. They want to pretend that everything is fine.

If you are patient with them, in time they will begin to move out of the denial. However, if a child continues to disrupt the group, it may be necessary to refer that child for individual counseling. If that happens, it is no reflection on the facilitator. If a child is causing problems for more than two sessions, it would not be fair to the others to continue to ignore the problem. First, talk to your coordinator or minister. Then ask the parent for suggestions. If the child is still causing problems, a referral may be necessary. Remember that some of the children who attend Growing Seasons have experienced multiple losses or severe trauma.

The following are some suggestions for keeping discipline in your group:

1. Rules—Keep the rules simple such as, “We listen when our friends or leader is talking. We keep our hands to ourselves.

We are kind.”

2. Time-out—If a child gets disruptive, he or she must go to timeout in a corner of the room away from the group. The recommended time is three minutes for preschoolers and five minutes for school-age children but be flexible (Fleischman, 114).

3. Grandma’s Law—First we do this so we can do this. For example, “First we finish our lesson so we can go outside.” It helps to find something that excites the children that you can to do at the end of the session if they cooperate (Fleischman, 115).

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4.

Loss of a privilege—A privilege can be lost for any infraction of the rules. For example, a child who hits other children will loose a treat (Fleischman, 116).

5.

Loss of attention—If the child’s misbehavior is for the purpose of getting your attention, turn your attention to the children who are making good choices. If it is the other children’s attention the child is seeking, provide rewards or attention for the children’s cooperation. It can also be helpful to compliment the child who is doing the right thing. “I like the way Allison is sitting” (Fleischman, 115).

6.

Point system—If you are an organized person, it can be helpful to use a point system to encourage cooperation.

The group can be awarded points for behaviors you are trying to encourage and when they have reached a preplanned number of points, they get a special reward such as a special treat or play time.

7.

Natural and logical consequences—This is allowing what would naturally or logically happen if you did not intervene. For instance, if the children keep interrupting when you are telling the Bible story, they may not have time to do a more fun part of the lesson.

It is important to remember that the children in your group may be having a difficult time at home and school.

Even the most skilled facilitator has a hard time with some children and some groups so please do not suffer in silence. Ask your coordinator for help when it is needed.

Remember, some children need more than a support group, and our responsibility to those children would be to make a referral for individual counseling. Any referrals should be made by the coordinator after conferring with the supervising minister. The facilitator should never be responsible for asking a parent to take a child out of the group or making a referral. It is the choice of the parent whether to follow up on that referral.

Growing Seasons is designed to encourage progression through the grief process via the communication of feelings. Your job is to create the environment that enables children to talk. If you force them to talk about uncomfortable feelings before they are ready, you will have more behavior problems. If they are not ready to share, they will do anything to keep from talking.

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Inattention and Hyperactivity A. D. H. D. (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is characterized by inattention, distractibility, impulsivity, and sometimes hyperactivity. It often seems that children in grief recovery support groups have this disorder because they seem to have a particularly difficult time sitting still and paying attention; however, the grief may also be the cause of this behavior. Talking about the grief and feeling the feelings can be quite painful, and children have a way of pretending that nothing is bothering them. Children who can be calm and attentive in most situations may literally climb the walls to keep from talking about the grief. Do not force them to talk but try to keep their hands busy.

Hopefully, in time they will be ready to share. Just hearing the others describe their situation helps children to be more open and to know they are not alone.

It is estimated that from three to ten per cent of children have A. D. H. D., so the active child in your group may truly have the disorder. If you suspect a child has A. D. H. D., discuss it with your coordinator. If it becomes necessary for the coordinator to talk to the parent about the child’s behavior, he or she should describe the behavior but not label the child. That diagnosis should only be made by a team of professionals.

There are some things that can be done to help the child pay attention:

1. Have stretch breaks often and provide opportunities to be active. If a child is extremely active, you could stop for a few minutes and play a short game.

2. If the conversation seems to be too intense, allow the child to leave the group for a few minutes and go to another part of the room.

3. Make the activity more interesting, unusual, and varied.

4. Add visual aids.

5. Place the child close to the facilitator, facing away from other stimuli and separated from the other active children.

6. Be more enthusiastic.

7. Give clear, concise directions using a firm, polite voice.

Get the child’s attention. Say what you want done, when, and how. Give one direction at a time.

8. Be sure your expectations are appropriate for the child.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Recognizing Depression Children and teenagers can become depressed. “The presence of symptoms of depression in children has been well documented. Counselors, as well as the public, are becoming increasingly aware of the stresses that contribute to childhood depression (for example, parents’ divorce, significant family stress, learning problems, and sexual, physical or emotional abuse)” (Sabates, 42). Clinical depression is different from the depression that is the fourth stage of grief. It is important to distinguish between the two because clinical depression should be treated by a professional. The child’s facilitator may be the only one to recognize that the child needs help. The following list of symptoms should help the facilitator know when a child should be referred. If you see several of these symptoms in a child for several weeks, talk to your coordinator about a referral.

1. Sadness that lasts for several weeks.

2. Complaints of physical illness or aches and pains.

3. Decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities.

4. Unable to sleep or sleeping all the time.

5. Increased activity level, seemingly to avoid thinking.

6. Change in eating patterns leading to weight loss or gain.

7. Boredom, listlessness, or poor concentration.

8. Drop in grades or increase in school absences.

9. Wide mood swings.

10. Low self-esteem.

11. Frequent discussions of death or suicide.

12. Use of alcohol or drugs.

13. Aggression, temper tantrums, or antisocial behavior.

14. Excessive or unexplained crying.

15. Withdrawal from others.

16. Strong feelings of guilt.

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Suicide We would like to think of childhood as that happy, carefree time when hopes for the future beckon children to grow up to be like their parents. For many, there seems to be no hope for the future. Their lives seem so miserable that they see only one way out—suicide. Younger and younger children are attempting and committing suicide. The suicide rates for children ages 5 through 14 seems low. “The rate for boys is 1.2, and the rate for girls is .5. Although these rates would not seem to demand attention, They represent a significant increase in self-inflicted deaths in the groups since 1950. In fact, the number of suicide deaths just among ten- to fourteen-year-olds has increased 300 percent” (Zeinert, 27).

As a facilitator of children in crisis, although unlikely, it is possible that you could encounter a suicidal child. Do not be afraid to talk about it and do not be afraid to ask if the child is considering suicide.

Try to assess whether the child has a formal plan for suicide so you can evaluate the imminence of suicide risk. Even an ‘immature’ plan for suicide should be considered a potential risk. Young children may not accurately conceptualize death as irreversible, and may jump in front of a moving car to get the parents’ attention. This could result in accidental suicide (Sabates, 44).

“When would-be suicide attempters are children, they have an additional concern. They feel guilty about even thinking of going to someone other than their parents for help. They believe that talking about their problems with strangers would betray their family and anger their parents. This is especially true if children have been ordered to keep certain events in their home a secret” (Zeinert, 68).

One myth of suicide is that talking about it could give the person the idea of suicide and they would then go ahead and kill themselves. If they are not considering suicide, talking about it will not make them consider it; and if they are, bringing the subject out in the open may be the first step towards preventing a disaster. The following steps will assist in knowing what to do should the situation arise:

1. Find out if the child has a plan. The more specific the plan, the more likely the child is to carry through with it.

2. Try to get the child to promise not to do anything before the next time you are together.

3. Keep the child talking as much as possible.

4. Evaluate the severity of the situation.

5. Find out what brought the child to this point.

6. See what the child thinks the suicide will accomplish.

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There are several reasons children contemplate suicide.

Perhaps they think they and/or the people they think they are hurting will be out of pain. Possibly they want to get revenge on the person or persons who hurt them. Since children see death as reversible, they may believe they will be reunited with a dead family member or that they can watch those who hurt them mourning over their death.

If you at all suspect that a child is suicidal, inform the child that you must tell someone because you care too much to take any chances. As soon as your group time is over, contact your coordinator or minister who should then contact the child’s parent. Just as in the case of child abuse, confidentiality does not apply to suicide. There are some warning signs in children that should alert you to the possibility of suicide:

1. The child seems to be preoccupied with death or suicide or asks questions about weapons, pills, or other methods of dying. Final wishes or funeral plans may be discussed.

The suicide of another person may be a frequent topic of conversation. Remember, a person who talks about suicide is at greater risk of committing suicide.

2. A group member jokes about death or suicide. The real intention is to see the reactions of others.

3. You see or hear about the child giving away treasured possessions, finishing projects, or clearing the schedule.

4. You hear that the child has had a friend, family member, hero, or acquaintance to commit suicide.

5. You perceive the child seems depressed, withdrawn, or has little interest in activities.

6. You are aware the child is having sleeping problems, eating problems, or physical problems that may make life seem not worthwhile.

7. You notice the child is neglecting good grooming and cleanliness.

8. You hear the child is neglecting schoolwork or has significantly declining grades.

9. You notice or hear about a major personality change.

For instance, an active child suddenly becomes withdrawn or vice versa.

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10. You are aware the child has attempted suicide before.

Even if there has been treatment, the child is still at greater risk.

11. You know the child has a parent who is depressed or suicidal. This causes a great risk, especially if it is the mother.

12. You think the child seems listless, fatigued, or expressing feelings of hopelessness.

13. Sometimes a child who has seemed depressed will suddenly seem better for no apparent reason. Be aware that this can be a sign that the child has decided to commit suicide.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Child Abuse Child abuse (physical, sexual, and emotional) and neglect is a serious national problem. “Estimates of physical abuse range from more than 300,000 to almost 1.5 million” (Martin, 26-27). It is estimated that one in four girls and one in seven boys are sexually abused by the age of eighteen. As a facilitator of a group of children, you must be familiar with the signs of possible child abuse. The law states that anyone who suspects a child is being abused or neglected must report that information to the Department of Human Services or the police.

Once children find someone they can trust, they may be willing for the first time to admit they are being abused.

For this reason, you must tell the children ahead of time that you will keep anything they say confidential unless someone is being hurt. The first tendency is to panic when a child admits to being abused, but it is important to remain calm. Say, “I believe you, and I’m glad you told me.

It is not your fault, and we are going to see what we can do about getting it stopped.” Then ask the child if he or she would talk to the coordinator about this. If the answer is yes, have the coordinator take the child to a quiet place to talk. The coordinator also tells the child, “I’m glad you told us, and it’s not your fault.” After gently getting as much information as possible, the coordinator says, “I have to tell someone who can help you.” That sentence may bring a look of panic to the child’s face. Ask the child what he or she is afraid will happen when this is told. Pray with the child before taking him or her back to the room. If the child refuses to talk to the coordinator, then the coordinator will stay with the other children and the facilitator will talk to the child using the same guidelines the coordinator would use.

After your group session or immediately if the child is in danger, consult with your coordinator about reporting it. If your church or organization has an approved policy for reporting, you must follow that policy. If not, the facilitator should discuss it with the coordinator who will contact the minister before making the call. It is not up to anyone connected with Growing Seasons to tell the parent unless the parent is not the perpetrator and needs to know immediately for the safety of the child. Generally, this is not necessary because if the child is in danger, the authorities will come right away. Do not be surprised if the parent takes the side of the abuser. When you call, you will need to know the child’s name, address, birthday, parents’ names and phone numbers, and any information about the perpetrator. Even if you do not have all that information, it must be reported. The authorities are not supposed to tell the abuser or parent who made the call.

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There may be times that you suspect abuse, but the child will not talk about it. Abused children have a difficult time developing trust. You need to know what signs to look for to determine if abuse is suspected. If you are not sure, pray and seek the advice of your coordinator and minister before you decide to report. A false report can be devastating to a family. Children usually do not lie about this, but there are times in a divorce situation when a child may report abuse falsely in order to live with the parent of their choice.

Remember, it is not up to you to investigate, but you need to be familiar with the signs because it is your responsibility to bring any suspicions to the attention of your coordinator.

The following are some characteristics of abused children:

1. The child continuously scans the environment as if to protect herself. You may notice a blank look on the little one’s face, yet you can tell the child knows where everyone is. The child has an incredible memory of what people are doing.

2. The child avoids eye contact.

3. At first, the child may seem dull, but actually all stimuli that is not necessary for survival is tuned out. Most abused children come from a very stimulating environment.

4. The child makes sure the adults are happy and their needs and wishes are met.

5. Role reversal is brought to the group. The child may need help in knowing how to be a child.

6. The child seems hungry, undernourished, improperly clothed, or dirty.

7. You may notice sudden changes with the child becoming withdrawn, crying often, having difficulty concentrating, or becoming aggressive.

8. The child seems to be trying to tell you something.

9. The family is isolated.

10. The child begins to act out sexually or masturbate excessively.

11. You notice physical symptoms such as itching, bleeding, sores, skin rash, or the smell of semen.

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12. Nightmares and sleeping difficulties are reported.

13. The child is clinging to the caretaker, or there is one particular person the child seems to fear or avoid.

14. Older children may show signs of depression, suicidal behavior, substance abuse, runaway behavior, or sexual promiscuity.

15. Toilet training has broken down with a child who was previously trained.

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Domestic Violence Domestic violence has become a widely publicized national problem. “Almost 3,000 women are beaten every day, amounting to over one million a year” (Martin, 28). Because family violence is so common, Growing Seasons groups will often have at least one child who has experienced domestic violence. This can have a profound effect on the child.

Domestic violence can cause death of a parent by homicide or suicide. For the child, it can cause emotional injuries and loss of self-esteem, depression, aggression and delinquency, poor school and social adjustment, learned victim/aggressor roles, early marriage, continuation of violent behavior into adulthood, and expansion of violence into the community such as through gang activity. Usually the man is the perpetrator, but sometimes it is the woman.

There are certain characteristic behaviors in children who experience family violence.

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1.

Older children may experience role reversal. They are forced to take on the household and child care responsibilities, leaving no time for normal childhood activities.

2.

There may be aggression in various situations and violence directed toward parents.

3.

On the other end of the continuum, they may be extremely shy and withdrawn. Withdrawn children are the least likely to get help.

4.

They may skip school, thinking their presence is needed at home to protect the abused parent.

5.

These children may run away to avoid the home situation.

6.

They may use drugs as an escape from the pain.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

If the child is in Growing Seasons because of a divorce, there is a good chance the child has witnessed domestic violence.

It may be that the abused parent, usually the mother, has taken the steps to remove herself and the child from the situation. Too often, though, the woman goes back after the wounds begin to heal. The mother needs support for her decision to escape a dangerous situation, especially when the decision leaves her with limited income.

It seems that the man’s need for power and control is very much a part of the abuse and he does not give up that power easily just because his wife and children no longer live with him. He can find very creative ways of controlling his wife through the children, putting his need for power and control over his love for his children and making his children pawns. This can be very damaging to the child’s emotional development.

Children who witness domestic violence are more likely to live in a violent home as an adult, some as the perpetrator and some as the victim. These children need all the love and understanding we can give them. They can benefit from staying in their Growing Seasons group, but they usually need professional counseling also. If you are aware that a child in your group has witnessed the abuse of a parent, discuss this with your coordinator. A referral may be needed. It is important that the facilitator be aware of the issue of domestic violence and sensitive to the child who may have experienced it.

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Children of Alcohol/Drug Abusing Parents Since alcoholism and drug addiction often lead to death or divorce, it is likely you may have a child in your group who has been living with an addicted parent. Living in a home where a parent is addicted to a substance is usually chaotic.

These children often live with family conflict, abuse and neglect, inconsistent discipline and inadequate structure, disruption of family rituals, and distortion and denial of reality (Wilson and Blocher, 99-100). In order to survive, children tend to take on family roles that assist the family’s denial system by keeping the focus off the addicted person. Even if the family has disbanded, these behavior patterns and roles have probably already been established in the child. Being familiar with the roles children play in addictive families will help the facilitator to better understand the child.

“Children who live with two parents who abuse drugs, or with one parent who abuses drugs and another parent who is codependent, often feel as if they are living in a tornado. Everything is mixed up, confusing, and very frightening” (Clayton, 99).

Some of the most common roles children play in addictive families are:

1. Hero—The family hero is usually successful at something or many things and sacrifices childhood by working hard to focus the family on something other than the addiction.

2. Lost child—The lost child is shy, withdraw, and ignored, taking care to cause no problems.

3. Scapegoat—The scapegoat tries to focus all the attention on himself by doing the wrong thing and getting into trouble. This allows the family to blame its problems on the child and ignore the addiction problems.

4. Mascot—The mascot detracts the family from its problems by being cute and never seeming to grow up.

Mascots have an amazing way of attracting attention wherever they go.

5. Martyr or enabler—The family martyr helps to keep things in the family running “smoothly” by always being the one to sacrifice his or her own needs and wishes.

6. Peacemaker—The peacemaker tries to convince everyone that all is well no matter how bad things are. This child will do almost anything to keep peace in the family.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

The following are some of the personality characteristics that many children may have if they have been living in an addictive family:

1. They do not have appropriate boundaries and let others take advantage of them.

2. It is difficult for them to express feelings.

3. Because addiction is based on falsehood, they may have been taught to lie.

4. They have low self-esteem.

5. They take themselves too seriously.

6. Because they may have been taught to be a rescuer, they look for victims to help.

7. Anger is frightening to them.

8. They do not know what normal is.

These characteristics are commonly called co-dependency, and a child who exhibits several of these characteristics or exhibits any of them excessively may need professional counseling. If you recognize these characteristics in a child in your group, it would helpful to discuss this child with your coordinator. As leaders of grief recovery groups, we may not be equipped to deal adequately with the issues of children from drug and alcohol abusing families; however, we can listen and help with the grief from the loss. The hour spent in the group is a time especially for the child.

Counseling would be beneficial for the family. It would be a good idea to suggest it, but it is left to the family whether or not to seek help.

Remember, you can be there for the child and pray for the family. For training in dealing with addictive behaviors and relationships, we recommend Turning Point’s Living Free video training series.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Facilitator Training Note to Coordinator

Open with Prayer I decided to be a Growing Seasons coordinator because ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

Facilitators must be carefully chosen and trained in order to ensure the safety of the children. After all the facilitators have read the coordinator’s material, schedule two hours for a training session. A facilitator must read the materials and attend the training. Start the training session by having the facilitators sign the commitment form in their Coordinator’s Guide to remind them of their commitment to the children. Training will be divided into two parts; communication and group work on grief.

Tell the group what influenced your decision to be a Growing Seasons coordinator.

Communication Jesus said in Matthew 18:5, “Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.” Jesus loves the children, but if we do not tell them, how will they know?

That is why we are here: to let Jesus love the children through us. Children are people. They have thoughts and feelings. They may not express their feelings as well as adults, but that is all the more reason to learn how to listen and to accept the feelings of children. They are our future.

The Needs of the Children When they are hurt, most children either hold in their feelings or act them out. They do not have the words to express them. They need someone to give them the words, to love them, and to let them know how special they are.

Their parents would do this if they could; but after a loss, the parents are immersed in their own grief and busy trying to put their own lives back together. They just do not have the emotional energy the fragile child needs.

Feeling Loved As a facilitator of a grief support group for children, your most important job is listening and loving. Dr. Ross Campbell in his book, How to Really Love Your Child, says most children are loved, but many do not feel loved. We need to develop the skills that make a child feel loved. Dr. Campbell says that requires “touch, eye contact, focused 46

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

attention and discipline” (38). We need to keep those things in mind when we are listening to the children.

Listening Activity

“Children are people readers. They can tell if you’re not telling the truth” (Johnson, 11).

Now we are going to do an experiment. Each of you please find a partner. The person on the right should write down these numbers: 137, 359, 2098, and 3412. When I say “go,” if you are on the left, tell how you feel about being in the mountains. While that person is talking, the other person adds the numbers together. Let’s see who can give me the right answer first. You have one minute. “Go!” Now I want the person who added the numbers to be the listener. Focus completely on the talker. Look him or her in the eye and nod when it seems appropriate. Do not say a word. Talker, you tell how you feel about going to the beach.

How did you feel each time?

This an example of nonverbal communication. If your nonverbal communication does not agree with your words, children will believe your body language. How does this apply to Growing Seasons? Remember that the activity is a tool to encourage the children to talk about their feelings. Do not get so wrapped up in the activity that you forget to listen attentively to the children.

Process what the group learned about feeling loved.

Feeling Accepted We have talked about how to make the child feel loved. Now let us talk about how to make the children feel accepted.

Acceptance can be defined as a willingness to receive another person into a relationship with no strings attached. We must accept each child with all the feelings and the behavior and the misbehavior that is part of that child. Again, the children must feel accepted. This kind of acceptance requires that we trust the children. We must give them the freedom to solve their own problems and be independent in their thinking and feeling. We are not there to solve the children’s problems. Who are we to know what is best for another person? By listening to the children, we allow them to experiment with different behavior and make more intelligent decisions. James says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (1:19). We must remember that verse when we are leading our group.

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Reflective Listening One good way to really hear and understand what the children have to say is to use reflective listening. We are going to review and practice reflective listening. As facilitators, we are trying to help the children express feelings appropriately. We may try to avoid sad or angry feelings, but there is nothing wrong with these feelings. They just need to be acted upon in a way that does not hurt anyone. By reflecting their feelings, you let the children know you heard and understood. It helps them to correct, clarify, and examine their feelings and begin to see the basis for their behavior. It also helps them continue the discussion and dig for deeper feelings.

Reflective listening involves listening for the feeling and describing to the children how you think they feel. If you are wrong, they will correct you. A good way to use this skill would be to say, “It sounds like you feel. . .” You can then add what you think the reason is for the feeling. For instance, “It sounds like you feel angry because the doctor told you your dad was going to be coming home from the hospital soon.”

Reflective Listening Exercises Now it is time to do some practice exercises.

Give examples of feeling statements and let the group give a reflective response.

Example responses:

1. “I got an F on my paper at school because I had left it at my dad’s and it was turned in late.”

1. It sounds like you feel angry because you did the work and did not get credit for it.

2. “My mom said she would pick me up at 10 o’clock, but she didn’t come until 2.”

2. It sounds like your are disappointed because your mom did not do what you expected.

3. “I couldn’t have a friend spend the night Friday because Sally had her friend stay over again.”

3. It sounds like you are jealous because Sally got to have her friend over and you did not.

4. “All my friends went swimming together, but I wasn’t invited.”

4. It sounds like you feel left out because they went swimming without you.

Role-Play I need some volunteers to role-play some situations. We will need someone to play the role of a parent and another to play the role of a child. The person who plays the parent will admonish, teach, and give advice in the way people typically talk to children.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Allow the group time to process their observations after each role-play. Then ask for volunteers to respond to the same statement using reflective listening techniques. Again let the group discuss their impressions. Be sure everyone in group understands how to do reflective listening before moving to the next subject. If not, demonstrate with the coordinator playing the parent and a volunteer playing the child.

1. The child just came back from the other parent’s house and seems very upset.

Example responses: 1. It looks like you are upset.

2. The child just brought home the report card, and his or her grades have dropped considerably since the loss.

2. It seems you are unhappy because your grades were higher before your daddy left.

3. The child is extremely frightened by a thunderstorm.

3. It seems the thunder scares you.

Reasons for Misbehavior Listening to and accepting the children should take care of most behavior problems; however, talking about the loss can bring out some unacceptable behavior. Stop and think where the children are in their lives. They may be trying to be grown-up because no one else is acting grown-up. They have no one to turn to because the parents are dealing with their own grief. They may feel responsible for making the parent feel better. After all, they probably think they caused the divorce or death.

If the loss was a divorce, there are several other issues that affect behavior. Time alone with the noncustodial parent may feel strained. For only children, there is no one with whom to share feelings, and they may feel caught in the middle. If there are brothers and sisters, often each child feels closer to a different parent. The parents’ fighting can cause the children to fight. None of the children has time alone with either parent. They may be testing, being as “bad” as possible to see if they are still loved. They may try to trap the parents into remarriage, a dream that will always be there for most children. The parents may feel guilty, and they discipline less because the children are playing one against the other. Having that much control is frightening.

One parent may be put on a pedestal and the anger taken out on the safe target, the parent that is still with the child.

If there was a death, the child may still be dealing with the shock. The misbehavior is the child’s way of asking for help.

We have no way of knowing what it is like for these children, but we can give them one hour a week when they can feel God’s unconditional love.

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There is a section in your Coordinator’s Guide about discipline. It is important that you read it thoroughly. I do want to emphasize that some children need individual counseling. If that is the case for a child in your group, there is not much we can do for the child except refer him or her for individual counseling. If a child is very disruptive, please consult your coordinator. Do not suffer in silence. There is a reason for the child’s difficulty, and maybe we can do something about it. We do not want to ruin the program for the rest of the children. If you are having a problem of any kind, please ask for help immediately.

Nuts and Bolts There are two important points that need to be made. One is that it is most important that you follow the curriculum.

You are here to listen to the child, not to give advice and certainly not to be on the side of one parent against the other. Remember confidentiality. The other is that we never, ever close the doors when we are in the rooms with the children. This is for your protection. Someone will be walking by the rooms several times during the sessions. That way your reputation is protected. We live in a society where child abuse allegations abound and we do not want anything to be misinterpreted, so we do all we can to protect you and the children. Remember, if you suspect a child is being abused, you have a legal obligation to report it, but to do that responsibly, you must talk to your coordinator before making any reports.

The same is true of suicide threats. You have a legal obligation to report responsibly to a parent if you believe a child is considering suicide. Be sure and carefully read the sections in your manual about child abuse and suicide and remember to always discuss these sensitive issues with your coordinator as soon as possible.

Spend some time explaining the logistics of the program at your facility.

Explain how you will give the leaders their list of children. Explain that they need to contact each parent before the first meeting to get some background information on the child’s situation. Tell them where they will meet and how they will get supplies. It is suggested that the coordinator or a trustworthy volunteer be in charge of supplies. Have a paper bag for each leader with the leader’s name, room number, and age group on the bag. The facilitators can pick up their bag when they arrive and return it when they are ready to leave. It is helpful to have one supervised place for children to come when they arrive if their leader is not there yet. They can color or play simple games.

Grief Your Coordinator’s Guide contains a section on grief. I am sure you read that before you came, but I want to go over the stages of grief now. In your guide, there is a description of the phases of grief as a child might go through them.

Since grief is such a personal issue, there are many phases of grief, so there are many theories about the stages.

Tonight we are going to discuss the stages as they were described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who was a pioneer in the study of grief. Her stages are the ones we will tell the children about because they are easy to understand. I am going to describe them using the words we might use with children.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

1. Denial — We either do not want to believe the loss has occurred, or we do not want to admit how much it hurts (34-43).

2. Anger — We can be angry at anything or everything.

Some children may be angry at their parents, themselves, or even God (44-71).

3. Bargaining — We try to find a way to make things the way they used to be. We might think, “If I could be good enough, maybe the old times will come back,” but you did not do anything to cause this change and you cannot do anything to change it back (72-74).

4. Sadness — We might feel very sad for awhile and not feel like doing anything, but that will got away too (7598). Kubler-Ross calls this stage depression, but children may not understand that word.

“Anger can be frightening, and it’s as natural in grief as the other feelings of sadness, guilt, and anxiety” (Johnson, 14).

5. Acceptance — Finally, we realize that the new life is here to stay and that you can live with it and be okay again (99-121).

We have all had at least a tinge of grief at some time. Even if we have never experienced the death of someone close to us, we have at least lost a pet or a friend. Even the loss of a valued item can cause us to grieve momentarily. Now you can divide into groups of three to five. If you have a close friend here, please go to separate groups. When you get into your groups, choose one person to be the facilitator.

Think about a time in your life when you had a loss. Take yourself back to that time in your mind. Describe to your group what happened, how you felt at the time, and how it affects you now. Please try to use the communication skills we have talked about tonight and think about how you felt at each stage of grief.

“The one thing that usually persists through all these stages is hope” (Kubler-Ross, 122).

Closing Fifteen minutes before time to close, bring the groups back together. Allow them to talk about what they learned from this exercise about themselves and about facilitating a group. Close in prayer for the leaders and the children.

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Parent Orientation Open with prayer

Introduction to Growing Seasons Growing Seasons is a peer support group for children who are grieving because of a divorce or the death of a loved one. Children who live with only one or neither of their biological parents, for whatever reason, grieve over the dream of having both parents in an “Ozzie and Harriet” family. After a divorce and, of course, after death, there are always grief issues. Some of these issues continue for years to come as holidays, graduations, and weddings leave a void where a loved one should be.

Growing Seasons provides children with a safe place to talk about their loss and helps them move through the grief process toward healing. The groups are small, usually with only three to five children, because the goal is to allow each of the children a chance to share feelings. They are led by volunteer facilitators who have been prepared by reading the training manual and attending a training session. They are not professionals, just Christians who care about children. Growing Seasons is not counseling; it is peer support.

The children are asked to say a confidentiality pledge, agreeing they will not share what the other children in the group say. They are free to tell you what they say or what their facilitator says, but please let that be their choice. It is important that you understand the limits of our confidentiality. If we suspect a child is being abused or is suicidal, we have a legal obligation to report that.

We do encourage your children to talk to you about the things they tell us. That is the reason for the activity pages in your workbook. They are simple assignments for you to do with your children to follow up with the theme of the lesson each week. Before each activity page, there is a section on “Parent Preparation.” Read that before doing the activity pages. It will prepare you to talk to your children about the sensitive issues surrounding the changes in your family. Please take the time to do these pages with your children. We know you are busy, but they are designed to take only a few minutes, and that time is valuable to your relationship.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

There are ten lessons. They move from less threatening to more threatening discussions as the weeks progress. We do not even ask the children to talk about the difficult feelings until we start to develop a relationship of trust. The lessons themes are: Session 1.

Session 2.

Session 3.

Session 4.

Session 5.

Session 6.

Session 7.

Session 8.

Session 9.

Session 10.

A New Beginning Happy Changes Sadness Anger Guilt Faith Forgiveness Love Acceptance

Goal The goal of Growing Seasons is to facilitate children’s movement through the grief process toward acceptance of life’s changes and losses, forgiveness of those whom they perceive to have caused the changes and losses, and an understanding that despite the changes and losses, their Heavenly Father remains constant in His presence and His love.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Grief When there is a change in the family such as divorce or the death of a loved one, it is accompanied by grief, the emotional pain that goes along with a sense of loss. Normal grief can last for two to five years. Unresolved grief can lead to such problems as drug abuse, school difficulties, bodily symptoms, promiscuity, depression, and difficulties in developing relationships.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a pioneer in the study of grief, was the first to recognize that grief comes in stages. I will explain the stages of grief as we describe them to children:

1. Denial — We either do not want to believe the loss has occurred, or we do not want to admit how much it hurts (34-43).

2. Anger — We can be angry at anything or everything.

Some children may be angry at their parents, themselves, or even God (44-71).

3. Bargaining — We try to find a way to make things the way they used to be. We might think, “If I could be good enough, maybe the old times will come back,” but you did not do anything to cause this change and you can not do anything to change it back (72-74).

4. Sadness — We might feel very sad for awhile and not feel like doing anything, but that will got away too (7598). Kubler-Ross calls this stage depression, but children may not understand that word.

5. Acceptance — Finally, we realize that the new life is here to stay and that you can live with it and be okay again (99-121).

Magical Thinking Children believe the world revolves around them. That may sound wonderful until you realize the responsibility that puts on little ones. They believe they are the cause of whatever happens in their lives. That is wonderful in the fantasyland of childhood, but in reality, childhood is full of losses. Even the loss of a favorite toy can be devastating.

Any change in the family can be perceived as a major loss to children. They feel extreme guilt because they believe they caused the loss, either by a negative wish or thought or by a wrong choice. Sometimes they know exactly what

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

they thought or did that they believe caused the loss. Other times, they only know they did something and wish they knew what it was so they would be sure not to do it again.

You may be thinking this sounds childish, but adults are prone to magical thinking too, especially after a loss. They feel that if they had done something differently, the loss would not have occurred. How many times have you heard an adult say, “I’m going to wash my car; then I know it will rain.” This is an example of magical thinking. If you can be aware of your own magical thinking, it will help you to better understand what your child is experiencing.

How Do Children Deal With Grief?

Ages and stages

1.

Infants — Babies believe a thing only exists when it is their field of vision. Grief for an infant is caused by the breaking of a bond. If bonding is broken in the first two years of life, it is important that babies quickly bond with someone else. This is essential if they are to establish trust in their world. Infants and toddlers also respond to the emotions of those around them.

2.

Preschoolers — Little children still do not fully understand object permanence. They think death is reversible, like it is on cartoons. This is an age of much magical thinking. They think they did something to cause the loss.

3.

Six to ten — Early elementary age children are still very concrete, so it is important not to use euphemisms in explaining death. They understand that death is final but think of it as a ghost they can outsmart. After a death or divorce, they feel much sadness but think they must control it. They need to be encouraged to express it. Boys are more prone to expressing their emotions by anger and acting out while girls seem to show more sorrow.

4.

Eleven to teenage — Preteens act angry because it seems more acceptable than sadness. They may long to retreat into childhood and will look for meaning in the loss. Any normal adolescent rebellion that occurred before the loss can cause feelings of guilt. Children this age may have difficulty concentrating in school.

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What Can a Parent Do to Help?

Most important, love your child. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1Corinthians 13: 4-8a).

Dr. Ross Campbell in his book, How to Really Love Your Children, says children who are loved often do not feel loved. The four elements that show love to a child are eye contact, touch, focused attention, and discipline (38).

Communication Activity We are going to do a quick activity. Everyone find a partner. The person on the right can write down these numbers: 137, 359, 2098, 3412. Now for one minute, I want the person on the left to tell how you feel about going to the beach. At the same time, I want the person on the right to add the numbers.

Allow group to process activity.

Now I want the person on the left to tell how you feel about going to the mountains. The person on the right should listen, intently focused on the speaker for one minute. How did that feel?

This is an example of nonverbal listening. Children read nonverbal communication better than verbal. If nonverbal and verbal do not agree, they will believe the nonverbal, but it will be confusing to them. Many parents try to hide their grief, tears, and anger from their children, but how can the children be expected to be honest with their feelings if it is not modeled for them?

Verbal communication—“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

Reflective listening—Reflective listening is one way of listening for the feelings. It helps the children to express and understand their own feelings. Under anger is always another emotion, usually fear or sadness. True healing begins when the child is able to understand and express the underlying feeling and feel that someone understands.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Reflective listening involves listening for the feeling and reflecting back to the children how you think they feel. A good way to do this is to say, “It sounds like you feel...” It is even more helpful if you add “because...”

For example, the child says, “My teacher gave me a D on my paper!”

Your response would be, “It sounds like you are angry because you got a bad grade.”

Practice sentences for the group:

Example responses:

1. “Mom, you said you would pick me up at 10 o’clock, but you didn’t come until 2.”

1. It sounds like you are angry because I was late.

2. “You said I couldn’t have a friend spend the night, but now you are letting Sally have her friend over.”

2. It sounds like you are jealous that Sally has a friend over.

3. “I don’t want to spend another boring weekend with Daddy.”

3. It sounds like you want to stay here where your friends are.

We will need volunteers to role-play some sentences.

One person can be the child and the other can be the parent. First, the person who plays the parent responds like a typical parent, teaching and admonishing. Then the parent uses reflective listening.

Example responses:

1. The child just came back from the other parent’s house and seems very upset.

1. It looks as though you are upset.

2. The child just brought home the report card, and the grades have dropped considerably since the death or divorce.

2. It seems you are disappointed that your grades have dropped since the divorce.

3. The child is extremely frightened by a thunderstorm.

3. It seems the thunder scares you.

Asking Questions—A question can open or close communication depending on the way it is asked. Yes or no questions tend to close communication because they can be answered with one word and require no emotional investment. Why questions may be difficult for children to answer because they may not know why. Questions that put the child on the defensive close communication.

Open-ended questions facilitate communication. They often start with how, what, where, when, would, or could. Sometimes statements tear down communication walls better than questions. For example, “Tell me about that.” The important thing is to listen to your child’s feelings without judgment.

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Discipline—Children who have recently experienced a loss need loving discipline in order to feel secure. The adults in their lives often give in too easily because of guilt or pity, and the children can learn to use this in order to get their way. This pattern can be difficult to stop once it has started, and children can became adept at playing one parent against the other.

There are other reasons grieving children misbehave. They may be angry and not know how to express their rage or depressed and feel there is no reason to do the right thing because life is hopeless. They may afraid to come out of denial, so they become extremely active to keep from thinking about the loss. They may misbehave to get attention or to see if they are still loved even if they are “bad.”

They may simply be misbehaving because they are children and all children misbehave at times. Whatever the reason for the misbehavior, it should be addressed.

M. J. Fleischman, A. M. Horne, and J. Arthur in their book, Troubled Families, A Treatment Program (114-116) give several suggestions for disciplining children:

1. Rules—Children need to know what is expected. Rules should be stated simply so the child understands.

2. Time-out-—A time-out place can be established in your home. It should be safe and away from toys. A long timeout is not necessary. A good rule would be one minute for each year of the child’s age. A kitchen timer can be used to mark the time.

3. Grandma’s Law—First we do this so we can do this. For example, first we eat our vegetables so we can have dessert, or first we pick up the toys so we can go to the park. It works better when stated positively.

4. Loss of privileges—A privilege can be lost for breaking a rule or refusing to go to time-out. Examples of privileges that can be restricted are TV, dessert, playtime, allowance.

5. Loss of attention—If the child’s misbehavior is for the purpose of getting your attention, ignore the behavior.

When it stops, give the child attention.

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6. Allowance or point system—Children love to work towards a reward, and it increases self-esteem when they can feel like they have earned something.

7. Natural and logical consequences—Natural consequences occur when you allow the consequences of misbehavior or irresponsibility to occur without rescuing children, such as not bringing them their lunch if they leave it at home.

Logical consequences occur when you put into place the logical consequence of a misbehavior or irresponsibility. For example, the children are fighting in the car on the way to the movie, so you pull over and stop the car until they are quiet.

Discipline is important, but so is sensitivity. During the time of acute grief, children need special attention.

• • • • •

•

Allow for more rest than usual.

Allow for periods of regression.

Allow for any feelings. Do not criticize honestly expressed feelings or be shocked by them.

Understand that the child may temporarily have difficulty paying attention.

Talk to the child about the outcome of the behavior. For example, “Your friends will not want to play with you if you do not share.”

Remember your children will be more vulnerable to new losses: moving, new school or grade, mother going back to work, or even a new blanket or pacifier. If possible, use rituals to help with these losses such as a goingaway party or a special breakfast on the first day of school.

Sometimes we have a child in Growing Seasons who is acting out in our groups so much that the group cannot function.

This kind of behavior is often used as a way to keep from talking about the difficult subject of loss. These children are often stuck in denial. If this happens, I may call you and recommend individual counseling for your child. This just means that the group may not be the best format for your child to deal with the loss.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Guidelines for Parents of Children Who Have Experienced a Loss

Go over Guidelines for Parents of Children Who Have Experienced a Loss.

Avoid role-reversal. Your child needs to be a child and you need to be a parent. It is not healthy for children to attempt to take the place of their absent parent. Watch for signs of overresponsibility and encourage your little one to take time to play.

Apply proper discipline. When you, as a parent, are grieving a loss because of the death of a family member or divorce, it is often difficult to apply the appropriate discipline. You may not want to risk alienating your child, you may feel sorry for your child, or you may lack the emotional energy required to apply discipline. Remember that especially at this vulnerable time, your child needs loving discipline in order to feel secure.

Avoid involving the child in money problems. Money problems are adult problems. Your child can understand that you cannot afford a certain desired item without knowing all the details. When you attempt to buy the love of children, it tends to make them feel that their own value comes from the amount of money spent on them. When child support issues are discussed in front of your child, it can cause anger, fear, and confusion.

Be sure to deal with your child’s guilt feelings. Children believe their thoughts somehow control their environment and the world revolves around them. They need to be assured over and over again that they did nothing to cause their loss. It is not necessary to place blame on anyone.

Allow your child to express anger. Anger is a natural emotion, and children need to be taught appropriate ways to express it. They can be taught to use their words. Other ways a child can express anger are through art, writing, and physical activity. If you are the parent who has custody, you may bear the brunt of your child’s anger. It may help to know that your child sees you as a “safe target.”

Listen to your child. Children have a difficult time talking about their feelings. They tend to be ready to talk at the most inopportune moments. When children are ready to talk, parents need to drop everything and listen because they may not ever be ready to talk about those particular feelings again. Almost nothing is more important at that moment.

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Explain to your child what is happening. Children feel more secure when a parent takes the time to explain what is happening and why at a level they can understand. They have vivid imaginations and limited experience. When they put these two factors together, they think of some amazing reasons for what is happening. Without an explanation, this incorrect thinking can be carried into adulthood. The best way to combat these false assumptions is to ask children what they think. You will probably be surprised at the answer.

Be reliable. The loss itself causes children to feel insecure.

After all, the world they trusted has let them down. You can begin to rebuild your child’s trust and security by always being where your child expects you to be when you are expected to be there. If you are unavoidably delayed, be sure to call.

Spend time alone with your child. Your child needs time alone with only you. As often as possible, plan together time without siblings, grandparents, friends, or your date. You do not have to do anything. Just “hang out.” One-on-one time helps children feel special and allows them a chance to be open about feelings.

Provide your child with an opportunity to build a relationship with another adult you can trust. Especially during the time of grief, children need to have an adult outside the immediate family in whom to confide. This person, possibly a Sunday school teacher, scout leader, favorite aunt, or Growing Seasons leader, can listen objectively.

Be sure your child feels loved. Most children are loved, but many do not feel loved. During a time of grief when children have lost the familiar family routine, they need an extra dose of love. Dr. Ross Campbell in his book, How to Really Love Your Child, says the things that make a child feel loved are eye contact, touch, focused attention, and discipline (38).

Forgive. True emotional health can only come through forgiveness. Bitterness and resentment are energy zappers and can even cause physical problems. Remember that your actions may hurt the object of your anger, but your angry feelings only hurt you. The best thing you can do for you and your child is to work prayerfully towards forgiveness.

Allow grief. Parents who allow themselves to grieve are also giving their children permission to grieve. Grief requires a tremendous amount of time and energy, but unresolved grief can resurface at any time in life and cause physical and/or emotional pain.

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Teach your child to lean on God. Divorce or the death of a loved one changes almost everything in children’s lives. It appears the whole world is crumbling. You can help your child cope with all these changes by explaining that God is unchanging. You will help yourself and your child by making prayer, Bible reading, and regular church attendance a part of your life.

Make your child comfortable. This is a time for comfort foods (chicken soup, ice cream, popcorn, etc.), warm blankets, and comforting sounds. Each family has a unique way of accomplishing this. Use family traditions and be creative!

Focus on the day’s activities. Try to find something positive to do each day. Something as simple as a five-minute walk, a romp with the dog, or a favorite movie on the VCR can give the child something positive to anticipate each day.

Understand denial. Realize that denial is normal but should not last for more that three to six months without interruption. Denial is the first stage of grief. If children stay in denial, then they are not grieving. Unresolved grief can lead to difficulties in forming relationships or a feeling of emptiness. A child who is still in denial after six months may need professional counseling.

Do not bring a date home until you are engaged. Children bond easily and are vulnerable to new losses. If they bond to your new “friend” and that relationship ends, they will begin the grief process all over again.

Guidelines That Apply to Divorce Do not allow your child to be the message carrier.

Communication with your former spouse can be done directly, by mail, e-mail, or through your attorney. Never ask your child to deliver the message and do not allow your former spouse to ask either. That is not fair to your child!

Do not allow your child to be put in the middle. Your child loves both parents and should never be put in the position of feeling emotionally pulled between the two of you. This causes a feeling of confusion and disloyalty.

Do not say negative things about your child’s other parent. No matter how you feel about your former spouse, he or she is still your child’s parent. Your child’s own identity depends on being able to think positive thoughts about both parents.

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Keep fights and arguments between you and your former spouse private. Witnessing fights between parents can be frightening to children. They do hear fights when they are supposed to be asleep. If you must fight, call a truce for the sake of your child until you can get a sitter or get out of the house.

Avoid being the weekend circus parent. Special occasions are fine, but what children need with the noncustodial parent is normal day-to-day activities. This is a lifelong relationship, not a twice-a-month party.

Try to be consistent in discipline. Consistent discipline gives children a sense of security. If both parents can put aside their differences long enough to establish a plan of discipline to be used in both homes, children can be greatly benefitted.

Avoid using your child to get revenge on your former spouse.

Divorced parents can find ingenious ways to hurt their former spouse through their own sons and daughters. To children, this is probably the most harmful part of the divorce.

When you and your former spouse have a disagreement involving your child, take a soul searching look at your motives.

Guidelines That Apply to the Death of a Parent Allow your child to participate in family rituals such as funerals.

Children may not understand everything that is happening, but they will feel included and allowed to see normal grief.

Encourage your child to remember and talk about the person who died. Children often do not know if it permissible to talk about the parent they are missing unless it is encouraged by the family. It will be difficult at times, but it is healing.

Avoid the use of euphemisms. Children are very literal. If you say a person is lost, for instance, they will wonder why no one is looking for him. If you use the word asleep to describe death, the child may fear going to sleep. A child can be told that the spirit, the part that makes us move and talk, left the body and went to heaven.

Reassure your child that he or she is not going to die soon. This is difficult because we all die eventually and we do not know when that will happen, but a child needs to be told that most people do not die until they are very old.

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Group Time Now it is time for you to focus on yourselves for a few minutes. If your child has experienced a loss, then you must have also. Please divide into groups of three to five. Take a few minutes to share with the group how the loss has affected you. We do realize that for some of you the loss may have been devastating and for some of you it was a relief.

That is okay. Just tell as much of your story as you feel comfortable sharing with your group.

After 15 minutes, please meet back as a class.

What did you learn from being in the group?

Personal response.

How did it feel to share your story with others?

Personal response.

It is not easy for many adults to share feelings with others and it can be even more difficult for children, so please do not get frustrated with your child.

We can be comforted in knowing that God is the “God of all comfort.” In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 we read, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” I want to thank each person for coming.

For the parents’ information, provide the date and time for upcoming Growing Season classes.

Conclude with prayer.

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Growing Seasons Curriculum

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1 A New Beginning 4-5 year olds

Session

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ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. White construction paper—one piece for each child 2. Scissors 3. Safety pins 4. Writing pen 5. Cupcakes—one each 6. Disposable cups—one each 7. Flower seeds—fast growing 8. Potting soil 9. Small mirror—wrapped like a gift if desired or placed in a birthday goodie bag

Father, thank you for each child here. You made them and you love them. Help them to know how special they are.

Bible Verse “Your hands made me” (Psalm 119:73).

Greet the children as they enter and let them make a snowflake to be used as a name tag.

Warm-up

Look at the beautiful snowflakes you all have made. Each one is different, but they are all so pretty. Did you know that every snowflake God makes is different too? Look at your friends. God made each of us different also. He loves us enough to give each of us a special face with a special smile. He made every family different, but God loves every family and each family is special to Him.

S

elf-Awareness

Take white construction paper and fold it several times and make cuts into the folded paper with blunt scissors. When the paper is opened, it has a design that looks like a snowflake.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

Just like your hands made a snowflake, God’s hands made you. If God’s hands made you, don’t you think He must love you and care for you? Don’t you think He made you just right, just the way He wanted you to be?

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

1. If you like ice cream, touch your nose.

Use the following questions to help the group become comfortable. Allow discussion after each question.

2. If you like spinach, touch your ear.

3. If you like to watch TV, touch the floor.

4. If you like to take a bath, touch your knee.

5. If you have a pet, touch your elbow.

6. If you have a brother, touch your elbow to your knee.

7. If you have a sister, stand up.

8. If you live with only one parent, stand up and turn around.

9. If you live with a stepparent, jump three times.

10. Now when I clap my hands, everyone whisper your name.

S

piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes Ask a child to quickly turn the light off and back on (Be sure it does not frighten a child by being off long).

In the beginning, it was very dark. There were no animals, no people, no sun, no moon, not even a place to stand. God was the only person or thing anywhere. “And God said,‘Let there be light,’ and there was light” (Genesis 1:3). God said this was “good” (Genesis 1:4). God said to let there be a sky to separate the water from the water. And there was sky.

Tell the Bible story. (In preparation, read Genesis 1.)

God said to let the water be gathered together and let dry land appear. On the land, let there be flowers and trees and plants that are for food. And there was land filled with beautiful gardens of flowers and trees and plants that are for food. God said it was good (Genesis 1:9-12).

God said to let there be lights in the sky to make day and night and summer and winter. God said it was good! And what do you think happened? There was a sun and moon.

And God said it was good (Genesis 1:14-16).

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God said to let there be fish in the seas—little bitty shrimp and great big whales—and to let there be birds in the sky to sing.

What do you think God said? He said it was good (Genesis 1:20-22).

God said to let there be animals. Who can name some animals God made? Playful puppies, furry kittens, horses for riding, and cows for giving milk—every kind of animal (Genesis 1:24-25).

Something was missing. What do you think it was? God said, “Let us make man and woman, and let them be made in our image.” That means God made people very much like Him. The first people He made were Adam and Eve (Genesis 1:27). God said, “This is very good” (Genesis 1:31).

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

“This is Mr. Microphone.” When you talk into Mr. Microphone, everyone can hear you because it makes your voice very loud, like this (demonstrate—“Testing 1-2-3”).

Hold up a pen for a microphone.

I’m going to ask you some questions. Raise your hand if you want to talk on Mr. Microphone.

1. Name something God made.

Personal response.

2. Tell me what God said when He made something.

This is good.

3. What is your favorite thing that God made?

Personal response.

4. Who made you?

God.

5. What did God say when He made people?

This is very good.

God was happy when He made people because He loves us.

You may not feel so happy since the death (divorce). It may be hard to talk about the way you feel with the grownups in your family because you do not want to hurt their feelings.

In your Growing Seasons group, you can talk about the death (divorce) because we will not tell anyone what you say in here. Only if someone is being hurt, then your teacher will need to tell someone who can stop it.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Confidentiality Pledge

Have children say the pledge.

I promise not to tell anyone what my friends say in my Growing Seasons group. It’s okay for me to tell what my leader says or what I say.

Birthday Celebration This is the beginning of the time when you will start feeling better. It is like a birthday, so we are going to have a birthday party to celebrate your new beginning.

There is something very special inside this package. It is a wonderful gift that God made with His own hands. That something is you.

Serve cupcakes and sing Happy Birthday. Give each child a gift, a package with a small mirror in it.

Repeat the Bible verse: “Your hands made me” (Psalm 119:73).

Activity Have a Styrofoam cup, some potting soil, and a fast growing flower seed for each child. With your help, let children plant the seeds.

Who made you?

God.

Who made flowers?

God.

If you put these flower seeds in a sunny window and keep them watered, God will make them grow.

In Growing Seasons, God is going to help you grow stronger inside.

Tell the children they can bring their favorite music tape next week.

Closing Prayer Ask for prayer requests and pray, thanking God for each child and the new beginning.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving my new friends.

Please help them grow stronger inside. Amen.

Hug each child if they want it.

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2 A Time to Laugh 4-5 year olds

Session

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ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. Bubble blowing soap 2. Writing pen 3. White sheet (optional) 4. Cassette player (optional)

Opening Prayer Father, please help us to become better friends as we laugh and have fun together. Amen.

Bible Verse “The joy of the LORD is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).

Warm-up Look at the pretty bubbles as they float around the room. It makes me feel happy to watch them. It is fun to try to catch them.

S

elf-Awareness Confidentiality Pledge

As children arrive, blow bubbles and let the children chase and pop them.

Allow 15–20 Sit children in a circle and say the confidentiality pledge.

I promise not to tell anyone what my friends say in my Growing Seasons group. It is okay for me to tell what my leader says or what I say.

I am pretending to give you a present. Pretend to open it and use it. The rest of us will try to guess what it is.

Why do you like this present?

What about this present makes you feel happy?

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Personal responses.

Use Mr. Microphone and have children name things that make them happy.

Eventually presents or birthdays or Christmas will be mentioned.

Pantomime giving each child a present. Let the children pretend to open it and use it. Let the other children guess what it is. Children tell why that present makes them happy.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes Introduce the story by telling the children they are going to hear a story about God’s greatest gift to us which He gave because He loves us so much. (In preparation, read Luke 1:26-33; 2:8-20; Matthew 1:20-21.)

This is a story about God’s greatest gift to us.

An angel came to Mary at night. Mary was afraid. “But the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid.’ ” “God is going to give you a special baby. Name your baby Jesus; He is God’s son.”

Mary was happy (Luke 1:30-31).

An angel came to Joseph at night. Joseph was afraid. “Do not be afraid,” said the angel. “God is going to give you a special baby. Name your baby Jesus. He is God’s son.”

Joseph was happy (Matthew 1:20-21).

An angel came to the shepherds at night. The shepherds were afraid. “Don't be afraid,” said the angel. “God’s son is born tonight” (Luke 2:9-10). The shepherds were happy.

They went to see Jesus. The angels were so happy they sang happy songs all night.

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

The people in the story were afraid at first, but then God helped them feel happy again.

When the children have uncomfortable feelings, they need to know that they will not always feel that way.

Remember the Bible verse, “The joy of the LORD is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10)? Leaning on God will make us stronger and we will begin to feel joy again. God has given us a good way to help the uncomfortable feelings go away.

That is to talk about them. That is not always easy, but it is the best way to take those uncomfortable feelings and “shoo them away!”

Use hand motion.

Next week we will have a chance to talk about the uncomfortable feelings, but this week we are talking about happy feelings.

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Activity Everyone close your eyes and think of a happy memory.

Now open your eyes and tell us what you remembered. One at a time we can listen to your memory and pretend we are there again.

As the children tell about a happy memory, they can pretend it together, such as going to the beach. Each child can play a part.

You can also bring fast music and let the children dance. If you have a white sheet, they can dance on a cloud.

Closing Prayer Use Mr. Microphone and ask for prayer requests. Pray, thanking God for the happy times.

Heavenly Father, thank you for happy times and for my new Growing Seasons friends.

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Tell the children to bring a baby picture next week.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

3

4-5 year olds

Session

Changes

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ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us start to accept the changes in our lives.

Amen.

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. White net for veil—if desired 2. Family pictures 3. Instant pudding 4. Milk 5. Bowl 6. Plastic spoons 7. Small cups or bowls for pudding 8. Dress-up clothes

Bible Verse “There is a time for everything” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

Warm-up

It is fun to pretend to be other people.

Bring assorted dress-up clothes. As the children arrive, let them choose clothes to “change” into. A large piece of net can be used as a wedding veil. It can be attached using pipe cleaners by threading the pipe cleaners through the holes in the net and making a circle out of the pipe cleaners to fit on a child’s head. Allow children to play freely with clothes and listen as they play family scenes.

Who are you now?

What are some things the daddy does in a family?

What are some things the mommy does?

S

elf-Awareness Confidentiality Pledge

Allow 15-20 Minutes Sit the children in a circle and say confidentiality pledge.

I promise not to tell anyone what my friends say in my Growing Seasons group. It is okay for me to tell what my leader says or what I say.

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Even though we are in different clothes, we are the same.

Families change through birth, death, and divorce. Tell us about changes in your families.

Talk about changes.

Here are some pictures of my family in different stages. Look at how the people have changed.

As a facilitator, bring pictures of your family showing different stages.

Look at the pictures the children brought and discuss.

God has planned the earth so that we have seasons each year and that is good. Our lives are that way too. We have times when we are happy and times when we are sad. One thing is for sure. However we feel now, our feelings will change many times. That is part of God’s plan. Whatever feelings we have right now are also part of His plan, but He does not want us to keep feeling sad or angry forever. He wants us to talk about our feelings. That is how we “shoo away” our hurtful feelings.

S

piritual-Awareness I want to tell you a story about a man who really changed.

His name was Saul, and he lived a long time ago. Angry Saul did not believe that Jesus was God’s son. He even put Christians in jail. Christians are people who love Jesus and believe that He is God’s son. They are members of God’s family. One day Saul was on the road with some friends when suddenly a bright light shone in the sky. Saul fell to the ground and heard a thunderous voice. It was Jesus telling Saul not to put Christians in jail. When Saul opened his eyes, he could not see. He was blind. Saul was frightened by the light and sad that he had been unkind to Christians.

After this, Saul knew that God’s son, Jesus, loved him and had forgiven him for putting Christians in jail. Saul became a Christian too. Then he was in God’s family. He was so happy that he started telling everyone that Jesus loved them and forgave them for the things they did wrong, their sins.

God healed his eyes so he could see again. Saul changed so much, his name was even changed to Paul.

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Session 3

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Acts 9:1-19.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

Paul had many different feelings in the story.

Who can name a feeling that Paul had?

Accept whatever feelings children name and discuss.

What happened to that feeling?

It changed.

All of you are here because you had a change in your family.

What kind of changes did you have?

Prompt, if necessary, but do not put any child on the spot. Allow children as much time as necessary to tell their story. If they all want to talk, use Mr. Microphone. Depending on the children, you may get very little response or they all may want to talk at once.

Defining Terms Divorce — Divorce is what happens when two adults who are married decide that it is best for their family if they are not married any more. They go to a judge who stops the marriage and helps them decide what to do with the things they have. The judge decides who should take care of the children. Parents cannot divorce their children, and they can never stop being their parents.

As children talk, help them to label their feelings. Also help them to understand words they have heard.

Choose words to define according to the situations of the children in the group.

Custody — There is one parent who is in charge of the children most of the time. That is called custody. Sometimes both parents are still in charge of the children after a divorce.

That is called joint custody.

Lawyer — A lawyer is a person who helps the parent in court.

He or she has been to school to learn how to help people who want to get a divorce.

Court — This is the place the parents go to tell the judge about their family, and the judge decides who gets custody.

Judge — This is the person who listens to both parents and decides which parent should be in charge of the children.

Visitation — After a divorce, many children have a certain time they spend with the parent who does not have custody.

Child support — The judge may decide that one parent needs to give money to the other parent to help take care of the children.

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If this is a group of children who have had a death, include the following: Death — When a person is sick or hurt in a way that the body does not work anymore, the spirit, the part that makes the body move, leaves the body. Most people do not die until they are very old. Death is the natural ending of life.

Funeral — After a person dies, there is a time and place where the family gets together to think about the person who died and often everyone cries and grieves because they miss that person.

Cemetery — This is a place where the body is buried, put in the ground in a big metal box. There will be some type of marker to help everyone know the person is buried there.

Some people like to go there to remember the person who died, but the person is not there.

Casket — This is what we call the box the body is put in before it is buried.

Cremation — Some people choose to burn the body instead of burying it. This does not hurt the person who died because the spirit is already gone.

Activity

Look! The milk is wet and the pudding mix is a dry powder.

What happens when we mix them together? Wow! It changes into something delicious to eat. Some changes can seem lumpy at first but end up being good.

Take out a box of instant pudding, a bowl, and some milk. Pour the ingredients into the bowl. Let the children stir until it thickens. Serve it to the children and point out that not all changes are hurtful. Some seem hard at first, but turn out better in the end.

Closing Prayer Ask for prayer requests. Pray.

Heavenly Father, please help these children learn to look to you for help as they face the many changes in their lives.

Amen.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

4 Sadness 4-5 year olds

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ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us know that this is a safe place to talk about our feelings. Amen.

Bible Verse “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35).

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. White socks—one for each child 2. Small pompoms—one each, (no larger than a quarter) 3. Small piece of red felt, cut in the shape of a mouth with a slight cut in the center 4. Two buttons each 5. Needle and thread (threaded) 6. Small brad—three each 7. Orange 8. Plastic serrated knife

Warm-up It makes our puppet sad when it gets stuck with a needle, but when we get through sewing on the eyes, it will be able to see.

S

elf-Awareness I will be your lost puppy. Let your puppet try to find me.

How does your puppet feel when it cannot find me?

Help children make a puppet out of a sock. Use a pompom nose, a felt mouth, and button eyes. For simpler construction, have the mouth cut ahead of time. Put a small hole in the mouth and the children can use a brad to put on the nose and the mouth. The brad will fit through the hole in the mouth and through the fibers of the sock. A brad can be used to attach the nose by putting the brad through the fibers of the pompon.

Help them to sew on the eyes at the very top of the socks, so they can easily sew through the whole sock and still be able to put their hand in the puppet. (If you sew the button lower on the sock, the children could not get their hands into the sock because of the thread.)

Allow 15–20 Minutes Ask the children to do a puppet show about a sad story. If they cannot think of something sad, tell them to do it about a puppet that lost its pet. If they do not have the maturity to do this alone, enter as a puppet to keep the story going. Always keep the puppets personified as a member of your group.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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1. What is your puppet’s name?

Personal responses.

2. If your puppet could have three wishes, what would they be?

3. How does your puppet feel?

4. What makes your puppet happy?

5. What is the best thing that ever happened to your puppet?

6. What makes your puppet sad?

7. What is the worst thing that ever happened to your puppet?

8. Who made it happen?

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piritual-Awareness That must have made your puppet very sad. I know someone else who felt sad one time. It was Jesus. Jesus heard that his friend, Lazarus, was very, very sick, so He had to travel a long way to see Lazarus. When He got there, Lazarus had already died. Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha, and all their friends were crying. Jesus cried, too. That is our Bible verse for today. “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). If it was all right for Jesus to cry, do you think it would be all right for you to cry?

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read John 11:1-44.

All the people said, “See how he loved him!”(John 11:36).

Some of them wondered why Jesus had not kept Lazarus from dying since they had seen Jesus heal many sick people.

Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40). Then Jesus thanked God for hearing Him and said, “Lazarus, come out!” (John 11:43). Lazarus walked out and he was alive! The people were not sad anymore; they were happy.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Allow 15 Minutes

pplication

God does not always do exactly what we want like a magic genie, but He is always there to listen to our hurts and do what is best for us. When we get sad, He always listens if we want to tell Him about it. Let’s pray right now and tell God what makes us sad.

Say a sentence prayer, letting children name things that make them sad.

Explanation of Grief When we have a change in our lives like a divorce or death, we have something called grief. When we grieve, we have lots of uncomfortable feelings. It’s not a fun time, but it happens to everyone who has a change in their family. Grief does not last forever. When we grieve, we go from one feeling to another. In fact, we may have more than one feeling at a time. For example, we may feel sad that our dad does not live with us anymore but happy that our parents do not fight now.

The stages of grief are: 1. Denial — You want to pretend it did not happen or it does not bother you.

2. Anger — You are angry about the change, and the person with whom you are angry may not have even been the one who made it happen.

3. Bargaining — You think there is something you can do to make things the way they used to be. (There isn’t.)

4. Depression or sadness — You feel very sad inside for awhile.

5. Acceptance — You learn that things are not going to be the way they were before, but that is okay now.

What are some ways people in your family show their grief?

Some might cry, others might be angry, and some may not show their grief at all. All those ways are okay.

Ask the children to brainstorm ways people show grief. Explain that some people do not have strong feelings at all and that is okay too. (Children can feel guilty for not feeling sad like they think they are “supposed to.”)

Personal responses

What about the change makes you the saddest?

What can you do when you feel sad?

1.

2.

3.

4.

Talk about it.

Pray about it.

Play what makes you sad.

Cry. Remind them of the Bible verse, “Jesus wept.”

5. Get a hug.

6. Tell your pet, doll, or stuffed animal.

7. Tell your parent, friend, or caring adult (call leader—This is a good time to give children leader’s phone number to call if they need someone to talk to).

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Activity If we tell God about our sad feelings, soon happy feelings start to come back. It is like this orange. Let’s poke it and see what happens. It cries. But taste it. The juice tastes good.

Give each child a slice of orange. As they eat it, ask about any good things that have come from the change.

Closing Prayer

Heavenly Father, I know you know what it feels like to be sad. Thank you for understanding our sad feelings. Amen.

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In your prayer, emphasize that Jesus understands their feelings (see Hebrews 4:14-16).

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

5 Anger 4-5 year olds

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ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to learn what we can do when we feel angry. Amen.

Bible Verse “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).

Warm-up Tonight we are going to talk about anger. The pud feels funny to your hands. You can play with it quietly while we talk.

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elf-Awareness Who knows what anger is?

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. Cornstarch 2. Water 3. Small bowls or pie plates 4. Plates 5. Pipe cleaners Optional: 1. Poster board and beanbags 2. Warm soapy water 3. Book—Where the Wild Things Are 4. Blocks or soft ball

As children enter, help each child make a little bowl of pud by adding about one half cup water to about one cup cornstarch in a small bowl or pie plate until it is a pasty consistency the child can manipulate. Cover table and floor with paper or plastic. When all the children arrive, tell them you are going to talk about anger. Children play in the pud while you talk.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Allow for discussion.

Is it okay to be angry?

Let’s listen to a Bible story about anger and see if it is okay to be angry.

Tell the Bible story (In preparation read Numbers 20:1-13).

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness There were many, many people traveling to the new home that God was going to give them. They did not have cars.

They did not have bicycles. They did not have planes to ride on. They had to walk. It was very hot, and they were tired and thirsty; but there was no water anywhere around. There were not even any coke machines. The people began to grumble to their leader, Moses. “Why did you bring us here to die? We did not like it where we were in Egypt, but at least we had water to drink” (Numbers 20:4-5).

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Numbers 20:113.

Moses was angry at the people. He prayed to God, and God told him to get all the people together by a big rock and talk to the rock. Then water would come out of the rock. Moses got all the people together by the rock just like God had said.

But instead of talking to the rock like God had told him to do, he was so angry at the people for complaining that he hit the rock with a stick. God loved Moses and the people so much that He still gave them water, but God was angry at Moses. God was not angry because Moses felt angry. He was angry because Moses did not obey Him.

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pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

What do you think? Is it okay to be angry? The Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin.”

If needed, help children role-play respectful ways to talk to their family members about their feelings.

God knows we will be angry sometimes, but He does not want us to hurt others. The Bible says in Matthew 18:15 that we should tell someone if we are angry. It says if someone hurts you, go to him alone and tell him. Someone in your family may have hurt you without meaning to. It is important that you tell that person when you are being hurt. It may hurt your feelings if one person in your family says unkind things about another person in your family. It is okay for you to tell that person you do not like that.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Activity Use pipe cleaners to make anger antennas. (Attach two pipe cleaners together on both ends to make a circle large enough to put around a child’s head. Cut another pipe cleaner in half and use the two halves to make antennas. Wrap one end of the half around the circle securely and bend the other end slightly like an insect antenna.) Tell the children to use these to help them know when they are angry.

What happens to your body when you get angry?

Muscles get tense, face gets red, voice rises, heart beats faster, mouth gets dry, body trembles.

Here are some things you can do when you begin to feel angry: 1. Use anger antennas and think about how you really feel. Admit to yourself that you are angry.

2. Breathe in. Take an easy breath and let the air come in very slowly.

3. Breathe out. Let your body go limp and pretend the air goes down through your body and out your toes.

4. Stay calm. Say to yourself, “My body is relaxed.”

Let’s try that now.

Allow for discussion. Use open-ended questions.

What makes you angry?

What about the change makes you the most angry?

How do you feel about the change?

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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One way to help yourself know when you are angry is with pennies. Someday when you are wearing clothes with pockets, put ten pennies in one pocket. Each time you feel angry, move one to the other pocket. See how many you have moved by the end of the day.

What can you do when you are angry? God wants us to forgive. We will talk more about that soon. There are some things you can do to help make the tenseness in your body go away.

Ideas for venting anger appropriately: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Tell someone about it.

Pray about it.

Ride a bike.

Hit a pillow.

Run and jump.

Draw a picture.

Play hard.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, there are so many things that make us angry. Help us learn how to control our anger by talking about it. Amen.

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If you have extra time, you can let the children make a target out of poster board and throw beanbags at it. They name something that makes them angry and write that on each circle of the target. They can play in warm soapy water, play with blocks, act out Where the Wild Things Are, play with a soft ball, or play outside. At the end, bring them back together. Ask the children what in their life makes them angry so you can pray about. Pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

6 Guilt

4-5 year olds

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ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, help us to see the difference between the things that are not our fault and the things that are. Amen.

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. Drawing paper 2. Pencils or crayons 3. Widemouthed container 4. Pennies (three for each child)

Bible Verse “For all have sinned” (Romans 3:23).

Warm-up Pretend this is a wishing well. It is a special wishing well where you can get three wishes but only if you say them out loud. Of course, we are just pretending.

How would things be different if your wish were granted?

Sit children in a circle with a widemouthed container in the middle. Give each child three pennies. Tell them to make a wish out loud and toss their pennies in the well. Allow discussion of wishes.

Personal responses.

What feeling do you think you would have if that happened?

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elf-Awareness Draw a picture of a time when someone was hurt or sad and you think you made it happen.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Ask children to explain the pictures and use them to encourage more conversation about guilt (without pointing out at this time the false guilt.)

Tell me about your picture.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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What did you do that you think made this happen?

Personal responses.

What did others do that may have caused it to happen?

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piritual-Awareness There was a man named Peter in the Bible. He did something he wished he had not done. Let me tell you about it.

Peter was one of Jesus’ very best friends. He loved Jesus very much. One night at dinner Jesus told Peter that before the rooster crowed the next morning, Peter was going to tell three people that he did not know Jesus. Peter loudly said he would never do that. He loved Jesus so much he would die for him. Later that night some people who did not know Jesus was God’s son took Jesus to jail. Peter followed Him and stayed outside the jail. Three different times, someone asked Peter if he was Jesus’ friend. All three times, Peter got scared and said he did not know Jesus. Right after the third time, the rooster crowed, Cock-a-doodle-do! Peter felt so guilty that he cried and cried.

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Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 26:3135 and Mark 14:66-72.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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pplication

I said Peter felt guilty. What do you think that means? .

Allow 15 Minutes Let children guess.

Read Bunny Story.

Billy and Belinda Bunny were twins. They lived in a cave with their mommy and daddy bunnies. Mommy and Daddy yelled at each other every night. One night the yelling got very loud and scary. Belinda lay in her bed feeling sad and wishing it would stop. Billy felt angry about the yelling. He got a marker and scribbled on the wall.

The next day Mommy and Daddy told the bunnies that Daddy was leaving to move to a new house. Both the bunnies felt guilty. Belinda thought she made Daddy leave because she wished the yelling would stop. Billy thought he made Daddy leave because he wrote on the wall.

Who do you think made Daddy leave?

We all do things that are not what God would want us to do.

That is called sin. The Bible says everyone sins sometimes.

Our Bible verse for today says, “For all have sinned.” That means everyone does something at times that does not please God. Peter sinned by saying he didn’t know Jesus. If you do not obey your parents or say something that is not true, that is sin. God forgives you for that if you ask, but He wants you to know that you did not do anything that caused your parents’ divorce (or the death in your family).

Discuss their feelings until you are sure they understand the loss was not their fault.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Activity Let’s do some pretending.

Choose children to role-play each situation. After each role-play, discuss guilt.

1. Mother and child. Mommy tells child not to jump on bed.

Child disobeys and falls off bed and breaks arm.

2. Two children. Friend calls and asks child to come play.

Child says, “No, my dad won’t let me.” Really child was eating ice cream and did not want to share.

3. Mom, Dad, and children. Child just got a new bike. Mom and Dad fight over money, then decide to get a divorce.

4. Mom, Dad, child, and puppy. Mom accidently broke the gate. Dad forgot to fix it. Child forgot to latch it. Puppy ran away.

5. Mother and child. Mother tells child that grandmother living in another city has died. Last time the family went to see grandmother, the child did not go because of a tball game.

Be sure children understand that they did not cause the loss.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, help us to know that sometimes things happen in our families that we do not like, but we did not make those things happen. Amen.

Pray, asking forgiveness for things the group may have done wrong and asking God to help the children forgive themselves for the things they feel guilty about.

Remind the children that you love them and God loves them. Tell`them to think about a trick they can do for next week.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

7 Faith

4-5 year olds

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ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to learn not to be afraid but to trust you. Amen.

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. Two small paper bags 2. Several small rocks 3. Candy for each child

Bible Verse “Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Luke 12:7).

Warm-up Can you show me any acrobatic tricks you know such as cartwheels, backbends, etc.

Let’s learn a new trick.

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elf-Awareness

Allow children to show off until all have arrived. If there is a child who is having trouble with physical activities, look for other talents such as singing or drawing. Tell them they can do wonderful things, but you and God love them because they are themselves, not because of what they can do.

Teach each child how to do a wheelbarrow. (Have them get in a crawling position, hold their feet up and let them walk on their hands with you guiding them as you would guide a wheelbarrow.)

Allow 15–20 Minutes

Look at this paper bag. It rattles when I shake it. What do you think is inside? It could be candy or it could be rocks.

What if I told you it was candy? Would you trust me?

Show group a paper bag with rocks in it.

Look, it is rocks. I fooled you. I only did this to show you about faith and trust. It looked like you were disappointed when you thought I only had rocks. There may be a time when a family member will disappoint you, but it does not mean that person does not love you. It just means they make mistakes sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes that can cause others to be hurt. Can you think of a time when you made a mistake or choice you were sorry for? All people make mistakes, but God never does and you can always trust Him.

Be suspenseful. After a few minutes, open the bag and show the rocks.

Then give each child a piece of candy.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Exodus 2:1-10.

I want to tell you a story about someone who had faith and trust in God, and God took care of him. Remember the story of Moses who got water from the rock? This is a story about Moses when he was a baby. The mean king had told the soldiers to kill all the baby boys, but Moses’ mother loved Moses and did not want him to be killed. God loved Moses too, and He had a plan for him. Moses’ mother hid him until he was too big to hide. Then she made a little basket and put baby Moses in the river in the basket. She prayed that God would take care of baby Moses. God heard her prayer.

The person who found the baby was the king’s own daughter. She loved the baby and let him grow up in her beautiful palace. She even gave Moses’ mother the job of feeding and caring for baby Moses. Moses grew up to be a man who loved God and he became the leader of his people. Moses’

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

Our Bible verse says, “Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Who do you think we are worth that much to? (God) We can always trust God to do what is best for us even if it does not seem best at the time.

How have you been feeling about God since the death/divorce?

Be sure to reflect the feelings in children’s answers.

You may wonder sometimes if you can trust other people.

Who are some people you feel you can trust?

Who are some people you do not feel you can trust?

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Some of you may have stepparents or a parent who is dating. Do you feel you can trust that new person?

Tell us about a time when someone you trusted hurt your feelings.

You may trust your parents most of the time, but you may feel they have broken a promise to you at some time.

How did you feel when that happened?

Activity Let’s play a game. Think of an animal but do not tell anyone what animal you are thinking of. On the count of three, all of you pretend to be that animal. One, two, three—What kind of animal are you?

Can you trust a puppy?

If it seems appropriate, explain that there are times that parents make a promise that they really meant to keep, but someone or something the parent did not expect kept them from keeping the promise. Remind them that their parent still loves them.

Children will probably choose a variety of animals, some tame and some wild.

Ask questions about the animals that will help the children come to their own conclusions about which animals can be trusted and why.

Can you trust a big dog you do not know?

Can you trust a kitten?

Can a kitten trust a lion?

How can you tell what animals you can trust?

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, sometimes the people we love disappoint us and sometimes we disappoint them. Thank you that we can always trust you. You never disappoint us. Amen.

Close with prayer thanking God that we can always have faith in Him.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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8 Forgiveness 4 and 5 year olds

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ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies: 1. Balloons, one for each child plus several already inflated 2. Treat for each child, such as candy or a cookie

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to forgive like you forgive. Amen.

Bible Verse “Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors” Warm-up Let’s see how long we can keep these balloons in the air.

Now let’s see who can pop a balloon by sitting on it.

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elf-Awareness

Have several balloons inflated before children arrive. Play the game of hitting the balloons in the air and trying to keep them from touching the floor.

Have a relay to see who can pop balloons by sitting on them. Allow children a few minutes of free play with balloons. Take up balloons.

Allow 20–25 Minutes

Let’s talk about some times you have been angry, sad, or scared.

Sit in circle, and give a balloon to each child to hold.

Tell me about a time you felt angry. Now blow in your balloon and do not let the air out. Hold tight!

Help children blow air in the balloon and hold it until all are inflated.

We all have uncomfortable feelings sometimes, but we have a choice of what to do with them. We can sit and hold on to these feelings; but if we do, we can not do anything else, because we are so busy holding tightly to our uncomfortable feelings; or we can let these feelings go and just fly away.

That is called forgiveness. Your feelings do not hurt other people. They only hurt you. Would you rather sit here and hold on to your uncomfortable feelings, or would you rather let them go so you can enjoy life?

Ask the children to let balloons go and fly around the room.

When you forgive, it is like you let the balloon go and fly away. You do not have to hold on to it anymore. You can feel comfortable again with the person who you think 92

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 20–25 Minutes In preparation, read Genesis 37:1236; 42-45.

Joseph lived with his father, Jacob, and eleven brothers. The Bible says that Jacob gave Joseph a beautiful coat. His brothers were angry, because they did not get a coat, too. They thought, “That is not fair!” Joseph’s brothers were shepherds, that means they took care of sheep. One day Jacob said to Joseph, “Go and see if all is well with your brothers and with the sheep, and bring word back to me.” There were no telephones at that time, so Joseph had to travel to check on his brothers.

Tell the children you are going to read a Bible story about a man named Joseph. If they sit perfectly still and listen without moving or making a noise, you have a treat for them at the end of the story.

When the brothers saw Joseph coming, wearing his special coat, they thought about killing him because they were so angry. Instead they decided to sell him as a slave to a group of people going to Egypt. (A long time ago, people could be sold to other people, but not anymore.) The brothers told Jacob that Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Jacob was very sad. He cried for a long time.

Many, many years later in Egypt, the king had a dream that frightened him. Joseph told him what it meant. He said that for seven years there would be lots of food in Egypt, but then there would be no rain for seven years and the farmers could not grow food. He told the king that he should save food from the first seven years so they would have food for the next seven years. The king was so happy to know this that he put Joseph in charge of saving the food. That was a very important job.

Jacob’s family did not live in Egypt, so they did not know to save food. After the first seven years, when the rain stopped coming and the crops stopped growing, they began to run out of food. Jacob told his sons to go to Egypt to see if they could buy some food. When Joseph saw all his brothers together, he started crying loudly, and eventually he told his brothers who he was. They were very frightened, because they thought Joseph would kill them for what they had done to him. Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but they did not know it. He was crying because he was so happy to see his brothers whom he loved. Joseph asked his brothers to get Jacob, his father, and move to Egypt, so they would have plenty of food. Jacob was so happy to see his son, Joseph, Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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pplication

Allow 20 Minutes Since this has been such a long story, the chances are that the children have wiggled and possibly misbehaved.

Take out the treat and say, “I’m sorry. You all wiggled during the story so you do not get a treat.”

Let them complain about not getting a treat.

God has given us rules to live by, but He knows we are not perfect and we cannot always obey every rule God has.

When we do not obey God’s rules, that is sin. God loves us so much that He sent His son, Jesus, to take punishment for our sins by dying on the cross.

Even though we sin, God gives us grace. Grace is getting something we do not deserve. We do not deserve to be God’s children because we sin; but if we ask, God forgives us and makes us His children. He wants us to forgive other people who hurt us. I am going to forgive you for not following my rules about sitting perfectly still for the story. I am going to give you grace, like God does.

God does not like it when we hurt others like Joseph’s brothers hurt him. What did Joseph do for his brothers?

Hand the children a treat.

Forgave them.

Our Bible verse for today is, “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Activity What does God want us to do for people who hurt us?

Forgive

Can you think of a person who hurt you? It could be that they hurt your body, or it could be that they hurt your feelings. Maybe it seems to you that they caused the change in your life. It could be that you angry at yourself, because you think you were the one who caused the change, or maybe you are mad at God because you think He could have stopped it from happening.

Who has hurt you and made you angry? Think about it for a minute. Who would like to tell about a person they have chosen to forgive?

If no one wants to talk, do not force them.

Close your eyes and think about that person. Now draw a picture of the person.

They do not have to tell anyone who the person is in the picture.

If you would like to forgive, roll your paper into a ball and throw it as far as you can.

They do not have to throw the paper—only if they want to forgive.

Think about your angry feelings flying away like a balloon.

In your mind, ask God to help you forgive.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving us when we make bad choices and for helping us forgive others. Amen.

Thank God for forgiving us and helping us to forgive others.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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9 Love

4 and 5 year olds

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ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to understand how wide and how high and how deep your love is. Amen.

Bible Verse

Supplies: 1. drawing paper 2. crayons or markers 3. bowl, 4. large spoon 5. flour 6. salt 7. alum 8. red food coloring 9. water 10. cooking oil 11. measuring cup and spoons

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son” (John 3:16).

Warm-up Today we are going to talk about love. Who can tell me what love is?

Personal responses

Now let’s draw a picture that shows something about love.

Can you tell me about your picture?

Personal responses

How does that show love?

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elf-Awareness

Allow 20–25 Minutes

When we really love someone, it hurts very much when we are not around that person because of some kind of change, like divorce or death. That is called grief. Remember several weeks ago we talked about grief. It comes from loving someone very much. It is ok to grieve, and it is ok to cry if you feel like it. It is also ok not to cry if you don't feel like it.

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Session 8

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness Do you think God ever grieves?

Allow 20–25 Minutes Let the children answer.

I'm going to tell you a story about a time God grieved. He sent His son, Jesus, to earth from heaven to be a man and show us how He wanted us to live. Do you remember last week, we talked about Jesus dying on the cross as a punishment for our sins. The soldiers beat Jesus with a whip and hung Him on a cross to die. That must have made God grieve to see His Son die. But He did it because He loved us so much.

Our Bible verse for today is John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave his only son.” After three days, Jesus rose and He wasn’t dead anymore. He stayed on earth for awhile. Then He went to be with God in heaven. Because He did that, we can go to be with God in heaven when we die just like Jesus did. We can be a member of God's family.

Would anyone like to know more about how to be a member of God’s family?

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pplication

Allow 20 Minutes

Remember, God loves us very much, so much that He forgives us for all the times we do things that are against His rules. All we have to do is ask. He wants us to believe that He died for us and that He wants us to be His children. If you would like to be a member of God's family, pray and tell God that you are sorry for all the wrong things you have done and that you believe that Jesus died so you could be forgiven. If you want to pray that prayer, I will help you know what to say.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 9

97

Activity Sometimes when we think of love, we think of a red heart, like a valentine. Love does not really have a color, but we are going to make some red playdough, because red does remind us of love. Watch the ingredients change as we mix them together. Who can think of some ingredients that you could mix together to make love. I will start—understanding.

What can you think of that is part of love?

You can make something with your playdough that makes you think of love.

Let children help make red playdough, using non-cook recipe on this page. Divide the play-dough among the children and tell them to create something that makes them think of love. While children play, encourage them to talk about their grief feelings.

This should be a time of open conversation about issues in the children's lives or about becoming a member of God's family. Let the children set the tone.

It seems to me that you love the people in your family. Who do you love in your family that you wish you could see again (or more often)? You really miss that person.

Do you know who really, really loves you?

God

You can take your playdough home with you to remind you of someone you love.

Non-Cooked Play Dough Recipe 1 cup flour 2 tablespoon vegetable oil 1/2 cup salt 1 Tablespoon alum food coloring water (not more than 1 cup) Combine first four ingredients. Add food color to water. Add water to mixture slowly until consistency of bread dough.

What is something you do that you are good at?

Can you be ready to show us how well you do that next week?

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for loving us and help us to love others. Amen.

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Session 9

Close with a prayer thanking God for His love.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

4 and 5 year olds

10

Session

Acceptance

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us learn to make good choices. Amen.

Allow 5 Minutes Supplies: 1. Treats—two kinds (cookies, candy, etc).

2. Paper with I Can Choose written on it 3. Markers or crayons 4. “Happy-Gram”

Bible Verse “Give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the LORD is good and His love endures forever” (Psalm 100: 4-5).

Warm-up

Remember, I asked you to show us something you can do well? Who is ready?

As children enter, ask them to show you something they can do. It can be singing, drawing, poems, tricks, anything. Let them be creative. Instead of praising the act, praise the effort and the way they feel when they are doing something they do well.

That must have taken lots of practice! God gave you a special gift and you have been working hard to learn how to do it better and better.

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elf-Awareness

You are all very special and God has given you special talents. God has also given you the chance to make choices.

You have probably had some strong feelings since the divorce (death). You can choose to let go of the feelings and go on with your life, or you can choose to keep hurting. You can also choose if you want to ask God to forgive you for your sins and become part of His family. There are lots of choices you can make.

Allow 10 Minutes

Have available two kinds of treats for the children. Let each child choose one of the treats.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 9

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 20–25 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 7:2427.

Tell the story that Jesus told about the two men building a house.

The wise man listened to God and tried to obey His rules.

He was like a man who built his house on a rock. The rains came, but the house did not fall. The man had made a wise choice. The foolish man did not try to listen and obey God. He was like a man who built his house on the sand. When the rain and storms came, his house fell down. He did not make a wise choice.

A

pplication

Allow 20 Minutes

There will be rain and storms in your life.

What has happended to you that felt really hurtful or scarey like a storm?

If you ask God, He will help ou through these hard times.

Let’s thank God for being there for us.

Let the children talk about hard times.

They will probably tell you about literal storms, but steer the conversation to our hard times.

Pray

Thank you, God, for being with us when times are hard.

Amen.

100 Session 10

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Activity Give the children a paper with "I Can Choose" written on it.

Draw a picture or write about something you would like to choose. (Anything they want to choose.)

Our Bible verse for today tells us to be thankful to God for He is good. I am thankful to God for giving me choices and for being there for me.

What are some things for which you are thankful?

Give the children a HAPPY GRAM. Ask them to think of a person for whom they are thankful. Ask if they can think of something they could do to make that person happy. They can draw a picture or write about a promise of something they would like to do for that person to make him or her happy (wash dishes, feed pet, clean room, etc.).

What did you like best about your Growing Seasons group?

Let’s take turns saying something nice to each of our friends.

I will start.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for each child (name them).

Please bless them and help them to make good choices.

Thank you for the time we have had together. Amen.

Pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 10 101

1 A New Beginning 1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes

Opening Prayer Father, thank you for each child here. You made them and you love them. Help them to know how special they are.

Supplies 1. Construction paper person 2. Crayons or markers 3. Safety pins 4. Cupcakes—one for each child 5. Ink pad 6. Small flashlights or night-lights— wrapped as a gift or in colored lunch bag 7. Cutting from plant—such as philodendron 8. Plastic cups—one each, water

Bible Verse “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me” (Matthew 18:5).

Warm-up I am so glad you are here. We have some new friends so we are going to make a name tag to help us get to know each other. Color it to look just like you.

As children arrive, greet them and give them a construction paper person to color to look just like them. This will be used as a name tag. As they work, encourage them to talk about themselves. Try to make each child feel that he or she has something in common with at least one other child.

What are some things you like to do? Does anyone else like to do that? Who has a pet? Tell us about it.

Look, each name tag is different just like each of you is different. Let’s do a fingerprint on the back of our name tag to see if anyone has the same fingerprint. No, God made each of us different, but we are all special. Each family is different, but everyone’s family is special too.

I want to welcome all of you to our Growing Seasons group.

We will be talking about Jesus here. He welcomes you too.

In the Bible, He says, “And whoever welcomes a little child in my name welcomes me.”

102 Session 1

As they finish, use an almost dry inkpad. Help them to put their fingerprint on the back of their name tag.

Talk about how God made each one of us different. Each child is special in his or her own way. Each family is different and special too.

Tell them you welcome them to your Growing Seasons group, and you are glad they are there. Tell them Jesus loves them and wants others to welcome them in His name. Share the Bible verse for the day.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

S

elf-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes Have children stand in a line for a game. As you ask the following questions, those who answer yes jump to the right. Those who answer no, jump to the left. Allow fun and discussion.

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1

Do you like chocolate?

2.

Do you like softball?

3.

Do you like liver?

4.

Do you like to watch cartoons?

5.

Do you like to go to bed?

6.

Do you like to take a bath?

7.

Do you like to go swimming?

8.

Do you have a pet?

9.

Do you have a brother?

10.

Do you have a sister?

11.

Do you live with only one parent?

12

Do you live with a stepparent?

13.

Now all at once, whisper your name!

14.

Now all at once, yell your name!

piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes Ask the children to sit in a circle.

Who in this room is special?

No, you are all just children. You cannot even vote. . .or drive

Wait for response—be sure they understand you are teasing.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 1 103

In preparation, read Matthew 19:1315 and Matthew 18:4-5.

Jesus tells us in the Bible that children are special. He encouraged the little children to come to him even though His disciples thought they did not deserve this attention.

How do you know you are special?

A

pplication

Because God made you and He loves you.

Allow 15 Minutes

You are all from single-parent or stepparent families. Most of you have had a change such as the death of a family member or a divorce. You might have needed to talk about your feelings but have been afraid to talk to your parents because you do not want to hurt their feelings or make them angry. In this group you have a chance to talk about these things because we are going to keep the things we say a secret. I will keep things a secret too unless I find out someone is being hurt or in danger. Then I will have to tell someone who can help.

Have children say the pledge.

I would like for each one to say this pledge.

Confidentiality Pledge I promise not to tell anyone what my friends say in my Growing Seasons group. I can only tell what I say and what my leader says.

104 Session 1

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Activity This is the beginning of the time you will start to feel better about the change. It is like a birthday, so you are going to have a birthday party to celebrate the new beginning.

Sing “Happy Birthday” and serve each child a cupcake.

Give each child a wrapped present with a small flashlight or night-light in it and have them open it.

This gift is to remind you that Jesus is the light of the world; and because He is the light of the world, He will shine in your heart also.

See John 8:12; 2 Corinthians 4:6; and Matthew 5:14.

In our Growing Seasons group, we are going to work on giving you strong roots so God can make you grow.

Give each child a plastic cup, some water, and a cutting of a plant that roots easily.

Next week bring an item that reminds you of a happy memory.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for loving my new friends. Please help them grow stronger inside. Amen.

Ask for prayer requests. Pray, thanking God for each child and the new beginning.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 1 105

2 Happy 1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Joke book

Opening Prayer Father, please help us to become better friends as we laugh and have fun together. Amen.

Bible Verse “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy” (John Warm-up When I am laughing, I feel happy. Who knows a funny joke you can tell us?

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elf-Awareness

As children arrive, start reading jokes out of a joke book. Allow the children to tell their own jokes also.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

Jokes make us laugh and feel happy.

Name some other things that make us feel happy.

When presents are mentioned, give each one an imaginary present. Each child pretends to open the present and pretends to use it. Others try to guess what it is. Each one should tell who gave them the present.

We can pretend we are happy even when we are not. That can make the sad feelings go away for awhile, but the best way to make them go away is to talk about them.

What is something that could happen that would make you feel happy?

Some of you like to write a story and others like to draw a picture. Write a story or draw a picture of something that would put a big smile on your face.

Give children paper, pencils and crayons.

Let them tell you about their story or picture.

106 Session 2

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness Jesus told a story about a man who had one hundred sheep.

He loved all of them very much, just like God loves us. One day one of his sheep got lost. The shepherd was very sad.

What do you think he did? That is right; he went to look for it. He looked everywhere until he found it. He lovingly picked up the little sheep, put it on his shoulders, and carefully carried it back to the other sheep. How do you think he felt then? He was so happy that he called his friends and had a party.

A

pplication

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Luke 15:3-7.

Allow 15 Minutes

The shepherd’s sad feelings went away when he found his lamb. After the loss, you may have sad, angry, or scared feelings. Just like the shepherd’s feelings changed, so will yours.

You will not always feel this way. After some time passes, you will feel better.

Our Bible verse for today says, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy” (John 16:22).

Grief is a word for the combination of feelings we have when we have lost something—maybe a person dies or maybe a family changes because of divorce. We may even feel a little grief if we lose a favorite toy.

A minute ago I told you a way to help make the uncomfortable feelings go away faster. Who can remember what I said?

Talk about them.

That is right, talking about them helps. That “shoos them away.”

You may not want to talk to your parents because you do not want to hurt their feelings. You may be embarrassed to talk to your friends. We are here if you want to talk. We know it is not easy because the feelings are painful and talking about them makes you think about them, but I promise it helps.

Personal response.

Next week we are going to talk about feeling sad. Is there anyone who has something they would like to tell us about their uncomfortable feelings now?

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 2 107

Activity

Who brought something that reminds you of a happy memory? Close your eyes and think about a happy memory. Who would like to tell us about your memory?

Let’s pretend we are back there in that memory. This is your memory, so you can be the director. You are also the main character. Tell us which character to be and what to do.

Those who do not have a part can watch. Then we will do their memory next.

If children brought a memory item, let them share about it now. If not, ask them to close their eyes and think about a happy memory. Give each child a chance to tell about their memory. Then let them act out the memory as a group. For instance, if the memory was a trip to the beach, let the group pretend to get in a car, drive to the beach, play in the water, etc. Let the child who is sharing the memory direct the action and give the other children the role to play.

Next week try to bring a picture of yourself when you were little and a picture or two of your family.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for happy times and for my new Growing Seasons friends.

108 Session 2

Ask for prayer requests. Pray for each request and also thank God for happy memories.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

3 Changes 1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us start to accept the changes in our lives.

Amen.

Bible Verse “He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs” (Psalm 107:35).

Warm-up

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Pictures of your own family in different stages 2. Pan 3. Large spoon 4. Hot plate 5. Measuring utensils 6. Flour 7. Salt 8. Cream of tarter 9. Bright colored Kool-Aid, unsweetened 10. Cooking oil 11. Red construction paper 12. Scissors

I used to be smaller like you are now, but look how I have changed.

Allow students to share the pictures they brought and show pictures of yourself as a baby and of your family.

Talk about changes such as births, deaths, remarriage, and divorce.

What are some of the changes in you and in your family?

Let them share about the changes in their families.

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elf-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes

Look at all these ingredients. Flour, water, oil, Kool-Aid®.

Watch how they change when we mix them together and heat them.

Make Play-Doh®, letting the children help (recipe on page 165). Talk about how the ingredients change to make the Play-Doh. Let them play quietly with the Play-Doh while you tell the story.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 3 109

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piritual-Awareness I want to tell you a Bible story about two brothers and how they changed. One of the brothers, Jacob, did a very bad thing to his brother, Esau. Their father was blind. One day Jacob pretended he was Esau and stole his father’s blessing.

Esau was so angry with his brother that he wanted to kill him, so Jacob had to leave his home and family quickly and move far away.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Genesis 32 and 33.

After twenty years, Jacob wanted to go home to see his brother, but he was afraid. He packed all his family and servants and his sheep, cows, and goats and started toward home. He sent servants ahead with presents for his brother for he had become very rich. The servants came back and said Esau was coming with an army of four hundred men.

Then Jacob was really afraid. He divided everything into two groups so that the army could not destroy everything he owned. He kept going, but he sent more gifts before him to try to keep his brother from being mad. He prayed and asked God to keep him safe.

Finally, the time came when Jacob saw Esau. His heart was probably pounding. He was probably sweating and breathing very hard because he was so afraid of what his brother would do. Esau came closer and closer.

Personal response.

What do you think Jacob was thinking?

The two brothers were face-to-face. Jacob probably took a big gulp of air, not knowing if his brother was about to kill him. What do you think happened? Esau hugged his brother, and they both started crying tears of joy. Esau had really changed.

110 Session 3

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

You have all had a change in your family at some time. It may have been a death, a divorce, or a remarriage.

What changes can you think of that have happened to you and the people who are close to you?

Personal response.

How did you feel about the changes?

What was good about them?

What was not so good about them?

Can you think of some things we can do to make these changes easier for ourselves or others?

Sometimes God lets us go through difficult changes that helps us to grow. Just like the little seed has to push itself through the hard ground before it blooms, we have to push ourselves past the hurting to grow to be the person God has planned for us to be. But if God helps the little flower to grow through the hard ground, don’t you think He will help you grow through the hard changes? You will not always feel the way you do now.

Our Bible verse for today is, “He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs.”

If He can do that with the earth, what kind of changes do you think He can make in you?

Personal response.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 3 111

Activity This is just a piece of paper. It does not have feelings, but if it did, it would hurt when I cut it.

Take a piece of red construction paper and fold it in half.

Make a heart. Unfold the paper and show the children that something beautiful can come out of the pain.

Next week try to remember to bring your favorite stuffed animal.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, please help these children learn to look to you for help as they face the many changes in their lives.

Amen.

112 Session 3

In your prayer, emphasize God’s personal acquaintance with each child.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

4 Sadness 1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us know that this is a safe place to talk about our feelings. Amen.

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Assorted stuffed animals brought by children or leader 2. Finger paint 3. Finger paint paper 4. Instrumental music—the instrumental track of “Les Miserables” works well

Bible Verse “He will wipe every tear from their eyes” (Revelation 21:4).

Warm-up Let’s pretend that one of our stuffed animals is a pet we love very much. Somehow, our pet is lost.

S

elf-Awareness

Using the stuffed animals (if none are available, just pretend), make up a story with the children about a pet that was lost. Let the children act out the story using the animals as the characters.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

How did you feel when you could not find your pet?

How did you feel after you found it?

After this, ask questions of the animals (children in character of the animals) about how they felt before the animal was found and after. End with a statement about feeling sad.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 4 113

Sadness is a feeling we all experience sometimes. It is good to know that Jesus loves us and that we have friends who care.

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piritual-Awareness I am going to tell you a story about some people who were sad. The story is about a man named Paul. After Jesus died and went back to heaven, Paul was one of the people who told others about Jesus and how much He loved them. Paul wanted everyone to know how to be a member of God’s family, so he traveled around the countryside telling people about Jesus.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Acts 27:13-44.

Some of the leaders did not like Paul telling people about Jesus because they wanted to be in charge. They decided to put Paul on a ship and send him to the city of Rome, hoping the government officials there would put him in jail.

He was on a ship in the sea when a huge storm came up. For days the wind blew and the rain poured. God had told Paul that no one would die, but they would lose the ship.

The sailors on the ship were not Christians, so at first they did not believe Paul. They tried desperately to save the ship, but it broke up on the rocks of an island. Just like Paul had said, every person on the ship was able to swim to the beach, but the ship was lost. All the sailors were very sad that they had lost their ship. Now they did not have a ship and they did not have a job. They were also very, very happy that they were still alive. When they thought about losing the ship, they felt heartbroken; but when they thought about still being alive after the big storm, they felt great joy.

114 Session 4

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

A

pplication

God knows we get sad sometimes, and He is always there to listen if we want to talk to Him about it. He lets sad things happen and does not always fix them for reasons we do not understand, but He is always there to listen and help us grow through the sad times. Let’s pray right now and tell God what makes us sad.

Allow 15 Minutes

Let the children pray or pray for them if they are too shy.

Activity

Grief is a feeling we have when we have lost something or someone. If we lose a special toy, we might feel grief for a few minutes; but if we lose a person through death or divorce or something about the way we live changes, we might feel grief for a while. The feelings of grief change, but the main feelings usually come in this order.

Explain the word grief and tell the stages of grief.

1. Denial—We either do not want to believe the change has occurred, or we do not want to admit how much it hurts.

2. Anger—We can be angry at anything or everything. Some children may be angry at their parents, themselves, or even God. That is normal.

3. Bargaining—We try to find a way to make things the way they used to be. We might think, “If I could be good enough, maybe the old times will come back.” You did not do anything to cause this change, and you cannot do anything to change it back.

4. Sadness—We might feel very sad for awhile and not feel like doing anything, but that will go away too.

5. Acceptance—Finally, we realize that the new life is here to stay and that we can live with it and be okay again.

What are some ways children show grief?

Brainstorm ways children show grief.

What about the change makes you the saddest?

Let the children know that it is okay if they do not have strong feelings.

It is okay if you do not feel sad. Whatever feelings you have are fine. It helps to talk about the feelings of grief.

Some children feel guilty for not feeling sad.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 4 115

Let’s fingerpaint a sad picture.

Put on some music and let group finger paint a sad picture.

Remember, you will not always feel sad. In fact, you can make yourself feel a little happier by just thinking about good things. That is called “counting your blessings.”

Can you name some things you are happy about right now?

Personal response.

End with a happy song and tell each child that you and God love them.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, I know you know what it feels like to be sad. Thank you for understanding our sad feelings. Amen.

116 Session 4

Ask for prayer requests and pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

5 Anger 1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Hammer and nails 2. Pieces of scrap wood from a construction site 3. Blocks, beanbags, or beach ball 4. Safety goggles

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to learn what we can do when we feel angry. Amen.

Bible Verse “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

Warm-up

Today we are going to talk about anger. Sometimes we might get so angry that we want to hit something. Hitting a nail into a piece of scrap wood is okay because no one will be hurt.

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Have hammer, nails, and wood available for children to experiment with as they arrive (each child will need to wear safety goggles as they do this exercise). While they work, explain that you are going to talk about anger.

elf-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes

Who knows what anger is?

Personal responses.

Is it okay to be angry?

Let’s listen to a Bible story and see if we can decide if it is okay to be angry.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 5 117

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piritual-Awareness Jesus had just arrived in the city of Jerusalem. The people had spread their clothes on the road and put down palm branches for Jesus and sang, “Hosanna, . . . blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord” (Matthew 21:9)! Jesus went into the temple, the place built especially for people to worship God. When He got there, He became very angry because He saw many people selling things in the temple.

God’s temple is not a store like Wal-Mart or Kroger. Jesus was so angry that He turned over the tables of the sellers to make sure no one else brought things to sell into the temple.

He reminded them that the Bible said, “My house will be called a house of prayer” (Matthew 21:13).

A

pplication

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 21:1-17.

Allow 15 Minutes

What do you think? Is it okay to be angry?

Personal response.

The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15).

Even though it may be hard, it is important to politely tell people when they make you angry. If you do not, how will they know? One thing that may happen in your family is one person may say unkind things about another. It is okay to tell that person that it makes you angry to hear unkind things about someone you love.

If you have a stepparent, he or she may make you angry.

You need to respect stepparents, but you can also tell them what you like and do not like. You may be used to the way things were done before the marriage, but your new stepparent does not know the way things were done in your old home. You might want to just stay angry about it; but if you talk to your family about the way you feel, they can work towards making things better. Just remember, no one knows how you feel unless you tell them.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

God does not want us to get angry about every little thing.

Our Bible verse for today is “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

What do you think this verse tells us about anger?

Activity Brainstorm what happens to our bodies when we get angry.

Brainstorm things you can do when you feel angry.

What in your life has made you the most angry?

When we are angry, it helps to be active. Let’s do something that uses our muscles. That seems to help us with our anger.

That we should listen to find out all the facts and stop and think about how the other person feels before we become angry.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Get red in the face Heart beats faster Breathe harder Voice gets louder and more shrill Feel energy

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Any type of exercise Tell someone Forgive Write about it Do art work Tell a pet or friend Pray

Personal responses.

After talking about it, the children need a chance to work it off. If foam or cardboard blocks are available, let them stack the blocks and with each block say something that makes them angry. Then everyone steps back and lets one child kick over the blocks.

Other options are throwing beanbags or a beach ball.

Make sure the children understand that it is not okay to hurt people or their property.

Let the children have some paper and pencils to make a cartoon about something that makes them angry and what they plan to do about it.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, there are so many things that make us angry. Help us learn how to control our anger by talking about it. Amen.

120 Session 5

Ask for prayer requests. Pray, asking God to help them express their anger appropriately and to learn to forgive.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

6 Guilt

1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Pipe cleaners 2. Clay 3. Shaving cream

Lord, help us to see the difference between the things that are not our fault and the things that are. Amen.

Bible Verse “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

Warm-up Think about a time when someone in your family was hurt or sad and you think you made it happen. Use these pipe cleaners to make a body with arms and legs. The clay can be used to make feet and a head.

Do a scene of a time when you think you caused a problem in your family.

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elf-Awareness

Give children pipe cleaners and clay and ask them to use these to create a scene of a time when someone was hurt or sad in their family and they think they made it happen. Allow the children to explain the scenes, encouraging more conversation about guilt without pointing out at this time false guilt about the death or divorce. Just listen.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

What do you think caused the loss in your family?

Accept answers.

Do you remember what you thought when you found out about the death/divorce?

Personal response.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes

I’m going to tell you a story about two people who were guilty. Some of you probably know that when God first made the world, He put the first two people, Adam and Eve, in a beautiful garden. He gave them everything they wanted and needed because He loved them. He told them they could eat anything in the garden. There may have been apples and oranges and bananas and watermelon. We do not know; but if God grew the fruit, I am sure it was delicious. God only gave them one rule.

In preparation, read Genesis 1-3.

Who knows what that is?

Do not eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden. If you do, you will die (Genesis 2:16-17).

How would you like it if you only had one rule?

Personal responses.

Do you think you could obey only one rule?

One day Satan disguised himself as a snake and asked Eve what God had said about the tree. When she told him, he lied and said it would make her like God. That sounded good to Eve, being like God, so she ate the fruit and gave some to Adam. He ate it too! Adam and Eve sinned because they did not obey. They felt guilty. They did not die right away because God provided a substitute for them.

Who knows what a substitute is?

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pplication

A substitute teacher is one who is there in place of the real teacher. For Adam and Eve, a lamb died as a substitute for their death. In other words, the lamb died for their sins.

That is why Jesus is called the Lamb of God because He died as a substitute for our sins. He never sinned, but He took the punishment we deserved for the things we have done that displeased God.

Allow 15 Minutes

Our Bible verse for today says, “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

What does the word all mean?

Everyone.

The word sin means to break God’s rules. God’s rules are so strict that the only person who ever lived that never broke any of them was Jesus. Even if we try very, very hard, none of us are perfect.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

God says to always obey your parents. Think about it. Have you always obeyed everything your parents told you to do?

Every time? No one has. That may make us feel guilty. Who knows what that means? That is when we feel bad because we believe we have done something wrong. There is a boy who feels guilty because he thinks he caused his parents’ divorce. He kept asking for money to play the videos. He heard his parents fighting late at night about not having enough money. He thinks that his parents would still be together if it were not for him.

What do you think?

Personal response.

There is a girl who feels guilty because her mother died.

Her mother was in a car accident on her way home from taking the girl to her friend’s house.

What do you think?

Personal response.

We may feel guilty because we have done something wrong, but God and our parents will forgive us and God wants us to forgive ourselves. But there is nothing you have done or could have done to cause the change in your family. That change was caused by grown-up problems.

Activity What do you think caused the loss in your family?

Write or draw a picture of it in shaving cream on the table. (This may be a sensitive subject but try to get the children to talk about it. When they have finished, have them wipe it off.)

What have you done that was a sin? That may be private, so just draw it or write initials on the table.

Now wipe it off because God forgives you if you just ask.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, help us to know that sometimes things happen in our families that we do not like, but we did not make those things happen. Amen

Ask for prayer requests. Pray, thanking God for forgiveness.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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7 Faith

1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Blindfold for each child

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to learn not to be afraid but to trust you. Amen.

Bible Verse “I will put my trust in him” (Hebrews 2:13).

Warm-up Let’s play a game called Trust Tag. We have to cooperate and trust our friends to play this game.

S

elf-Awareness What do you think the words faith and trust mean?

Tell the children you are going to play Trust Tag. One partner must wear a blindfold while the other partner guides him by keeping his hands on the blindfolded partner’s waist and shouting directions. The object is for the blindfolded “IT” to tag another player. Point out how this game demonstrates the need to trust the other partner. If needed, combine with another group for this activity. If weather permits, play it outside.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Find out what the children think the words mean.

Faith means that you believe what a person tells you and that the person wants to do what is best for you. If you have faith in that chair, you believe it will hold you if you sit in it. If you have faith in your parent, you believe what your parent tells you and think that your parent will do

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

his/her best to take care of you. If you have faith in God, you believe that He is real and that He loves you and will care for you.

Trust means that you act on your faith. If you trust the chair, you will be willing to sit in it. If you trust your parent, you will listen and try to obey him or her. If you have trust in God, you will take your problems to Him and try to live the way He wants you to.

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piritual-Awareness

Discuss the similarities and differences in the two words as they pertain to God and as they pertain to people they are supposed to trust.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Mark 5:21-43.

I am going to tell you a story about a man who really trusted God. His name was Jairus, and he was a leader in the temple-church. While Jesus was in a crowd of people, Jairus came to him and knelt down and begged Jesus to come with him to heal his daughter. She was very sick. Jesus started to go with him. Before He could make it through the crowds of people, someone came from Jairus’ house and said, “Your daughter is dead. . . . Why bother the teacher any more?”

(Mark 5:35).

But Jesus answered and said, “Don’t be afraid; just believe” (Mark 5:36). When He got to the house, all the girl’s friends and family were crying.

Jesus said, “The child is not dead but asleep” (Mark 5:39).

Their crying turned to laughing at Jesus because they knew she was dead. He made them all leave except His good friends, Peter, James, and John, and the girl’s parents. He took the girl’s hand and said, “Little girl, I say to you, get up!” (Mark 5:41). Her spirit came back and she was alive.

Jesus told them to give her some food. Everyone was amazed at the miracle they had just seen. Jairus, the little girl’s father, had faith that Jesus could heal his daughter.

The other people did not have that faith, and Jesus made

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

God loves us, and He wants us to have faith in Him. Our Bible verse for today is, “I will put my trust in him.” God does not take orders from us, but He does answer our prayers. Sometimes the answer is no. You may have prayed that your parents would not get a divorce or that a certain person would not die.

What did you think about God when that happened?

You may wonder sometimes if you can trust other people.

Who are some people you feel you can trust?

Allow for discussion. Make the point that God sees the whole picture of our life, and we can trust that He will always do what is best for us.

Personal responses.

What has happened when someone you trusted hurt you?

What are you most afraid of happening?

Make a list.

Activity Let’s role-play some scary situations. We will use some from our list.

Have the children role-play situations they fear.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, sometimes the people we love disappoint us and sometimes we disappoint them. Thank you that we can always trust you. You never disappoint. Amen.

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Prayer requests. Pray, thanking God for always being trustworthy.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

8 Forgiveness 1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Blocks 2. Grocery bag (one for each child) 3. Treat such as candy or cookie for each child

Lord, please help us to forgive like you forgive. Amen.

Bible Verse “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Warm-up Who can tell me about a time you felt sad, scared, or angry?

Each time someone tells us about an uncomfortable feeling, put a block into your bag.

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elf-Awareness

Now we are going to play “Simon Says.” I will be Simon, you all have to hold on to your bags. (If you can go outside, a game of tag would be even better.)

We all have uncomfortable feelings sometimes. We have a choice. We can sit and hold on to these feelings, but we can not really do anything else because we are so busy holding tightly to our uncomfortable feelings, or we can let those feelings go and not think about them. That is called forgiveness. Your feelings do not hurt other people. They only hurt you. Would you like to sit here and hold on to your uncomfortable feelings, or would you rather let them go so you can enjoy life?

Let children build with blocks. After they have had free play for awhile, sit them in a circle around the blocks.

Give each child a grocery bag. Ask the children to tell you about times they have had sad, scared, or angry feelings. As each child names a time, they all put a block in their bag.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

Play until the children begin to complain about the weight of the bags.

Give each child a corner of the room so they can safely dump out their blocks.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Luke 15:11-32.

I am going to read you a story from the Bible about a father and his two sons. This is going to be quite long, but it is very important, so I want you to sit perfectly still without moving a muscle. If you do, I have a treat for you.

A

pplication

Read Luke 15:11-32 to the children.

Allow 15 Minutes

How do you think the son who left felt at the end of the story?

Personal responses.

How do you think the father felt at the end of the story?

How do you think the other son felt at the end of the story?

Which of these feelings would you rather have?

God does not want us to hurt other people like the prodigal son hurt his father.

Forgave him.

What did the father do for the son?

That is what God wants us to do. Our Bible verse says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Can you think of a person who hurt you?

Would you like to forgive that person? If so, I want you to close your eyes and pray and ask God to help you forgive.

Now think about the angry feelings being poured out of your body like the blocks were poured out of the bag.

Lead the prayer and allow children to pray silently or aloud.

I told you I had a treat for you if you sat perfectly still. I saw every one of you move. I am sorry. (They will probably complain.)

God has rules He wants us to live by that are written in the Bible. He knows that we are human and not perfect, just like I knew you could not sit perfectly still for so long. God gives us grace. That means He loves us so much He gives things to us we do not deserve, like the father killed the calf and had the party for his son when he did not deserve it. You did not earn the treat, but I am going to give you grace and let you have the treat anyway.

If God can forgive us, what can we do when we are angry?

Forgive others.

Can you think of someone you would like to forgive?

Remember, when we forgive, it is like pouring out the bag of blocks. We feel free to enjoy our lives. Your anger does not hurt anyone but you.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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Activity

What are some of the problems that divorce (death) can cause a child?

Let’s make a list. Pretend like you are the person who writes an advice column in the newspaper. Write a letter to someone who has one of these problems.

Have the children brainstorm some of the problems that the death of a loved one or divorce might cause a child.

Let the children take turns being “Dear Abby.” One child will choose a problem and ask “Abby” for a solution.

After each solution given by “Abby,” allow discussion of the problem by the group.

Closing Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving us when we make wrong choices and for helping us to forgive others. Amen.

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Ask children to think of one prayer request for themselves and one for someone else. Let them share requests as they desire. Pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

9 Love

1st-3rd Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Pencils and paper 2. Poster board

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to understand how wide and how high and how deep your love is. Amen.

Bible Verse “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

Warm-up The subject today will be love. Let’s talk about some things you like—food, toys, TV shows, etc.

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elf-Awareness

Do this until all have arrived.

Let the children as a group write a poem together. Put it on the poster board and let them illustrate.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

When we really love someone, it hurts very much when that person is not around because of divorce or death. Those hurtful feelings are called grief. We talked about that a few weeks ago. Remember, grief is not a feeling, but a group of feelings.

As you think about the feelings you have had and still have, can you name some feelings you think a person might have when they are grieving?

Have children name feelings.

Remember that grief comes from love. It happens to everyone at some time when they lose someone they love or have a change in the way they live, like a divorce.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 9 131

Even if your parents are no longer married and one of them gets married to someone else, that changes the way you live again. If you have been living in a single-parent family, you may feel grief over losing that time when you had that parent all to yourself. The stepparent will probably take some of the attention you are accustomed to getting from your parent.

It may take some time before you feel comfortable with a new stepparent. It will take even more time to learn to love him or her, but if you will just be willing to open your heart, it will probably happen. Some children are so angry about their parent getting married that they refuse to open their hearts to the new stepparent. It is a good idea to treat that person with respect. Remember, your stepparent may never take the place of your birth parent. However, he or she can be a special person in your life but only if you let it happen.

Allow time for discussion.

If you live in a stepparent family, would you like to tell us what it is like?

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes

I want to tell you about the greatest love of all. A long time ago, God sent His only son to earth to be a man. God’s son, Jesus, was perfect; He never sinned. He came to earth as a baby. Then he grew up and traveled around on foot healing the sick and telling everyone He met that God loved them.

Most of the leaders of that time did not understand that He was God’s son. They were afraid because so many people were following Jesus. They arrested Him and decided to kill Him.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

Jesus could have stopped this from happening, but He did not. He wanted to die for us because He was the substitute lamb for all of us. It must have made God grieve to see His Son hanging on a cross in severe pain, but He allowed it to happen out of His great love. He provided a way for all of us to be forgiven of our sins because He wants us to be a member of His family, a family that will never separate because of death or divorce. If you would like to be a member of God’s family, let me know and I will tell you how.

Our Bible verse for today is, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

What do you think God means when He says, “Love each other as I have loved you”?

Talk about choosing to live in a loving way and, if appropriate, apply the idea to stepparents.

Activity Let’s brainstorm words you think of when you think of love.

Then we can make a crossword puzzle using these words.

Encouraging the use of words that pertain to grief, make a crossword puzzle using the children’s words and definitions.

Tell the children that next week they are going to have fun with a talent show. They can sing, dance, show an art project, share a story they have written, anything they do well.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for loving us and help us to love others. Amen.

Ask for prayer requests. Pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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1st-3rd Grades

10

Session

Acceptance

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Tape player 2. Clay

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us learn to make good choices. Amen.

Bible Verse “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Warm-up Each of us has something we can do well. One person can sing, another can draw, another may be a good listener.

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elf-Awareness

Give each child an opportunity to display a talent or something they do well.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

You are all very special to God, and He has given each of you special abilities or talents. He has also given you the chance to make choices. One choice you can make is what to do with your talents.

Who would like to tell about a time you have used your talent for Jesus?

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Personal response.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

S

piritual-Awareness Jesus told a story about talents. In this story, talent meant money, but it can also mean things you can do well. The king was going on a long trip. He called his workers together and gave them his money to keep for him while he was gone. He gave one of them five talents, one two talents, and to one he gave one talent. The one with five talents used the money to make five more talents. The one with two talents used the money to make two more. The worker with one talent buried the talent in the ground.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 25:1430.

What do you think the king did when he came back? He called his workers together to collect his money. The first two workers gladly showed him that they had doubled the money. The king said to them, “Well done, good and faithful servant! you have been faithful over a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”

The last servant told the king he was afraid, so he went and hid his talent in the ground. The king was angry because the worker had not used his talent for his king. He took the one talent from him and gave it to the one with ten talents.

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pplication

Which of the workers made a good choice?

Allow 15 Minutes The one with five talents and the one with two talents.

You also can choose how you use your talents. You can use them to reach out to others, or you can hide them because reaching out can be scary.

Remember, God is always with you. Our Bible verse for today is, “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” (Jeremiah 29:11).

God has good plans for you. He wants the best for you, and He wants you to make responsible choices. You have many choices you must make. You need to decide whether to accept the changes in your life and make the best of them or whether to go on feeling miserable. One more choice we all must make is whether we want to become a member of God’s family. If you have not made that decision, please let me know and we will talk privately. God will always forgive you. Will you be willing to forgive the people who have hurt you?

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 10 135

Activity Take this clay and make something that shows a choice you have decided upon.

Tell us about your choice.

Give each child a lump of clay and ask them to make something that shows a choice they have decided to make. Discuss the children’s creations and what they represent. If you have time, allow the children to brainstorm a fun activity they would like to do together. Let them choose an appropriate activity and do it.

Examples: Ball—play fair Cross—pray Bible—read Baby—help with little brother or sister

Closing Prayer I am thankful to God for giving me choices. Let’s brainstorm some other things for which we are thankful.

Make a list and pray, letting each child name something from the list.

Close with prayer requests and prayer for the children’s future.

Heavenly Father, thank you for each child (name them).

Please bless them and help them to make good choices.

Thank you for the time we have had together. Amen.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

1 New Beginnings 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer Father, thank you for each child here. You made them and you love them. Help them to know how special they are.

Bible Verse

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Paper 2. Markers 3. Pencils 4. Questionnaire (page 140) —one each (can be copied) 5. Cupcakes—one each 6. Clear plastic cups—one each 7. Avocado seeds—one each (can get from a Mexican restaurant) 8. Toothpicks 9. Small paper hearts—one each 10. Notepads—one each—put in colored lunch bag or birthday bag.

On the note pad write, “God loves you just the way you are.”

“The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

Warm-up We are going to get to know each other better by drawing a dream. It can be a nighttime dream you remember, or it can be a dream you have for yourself. We are not looking at how well you draw, just have fun with it.

Who would like to tell us about your dream?

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elf-Awareness

Let’s all get to know each other even better by answering these questions. I am going to do one too.

As the children enter, greet them and give them paper and markers. Ask them to draw a picture of a dream. It can be a nighttime dream or a dream for the future. Leave the choice to them. After they have finished, ask them to share about what they have drawn.

Look for the feeling that is predominant in the picture.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Give everyone a copy of the questionnaire to complete. Explain that it is to help everyone get better acquainted.

Finish one yourself.

As everyone shares their answers, find areas of common interests.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

As we listen to the answers to these questions, we start to get to know each other and develop friendships. We might think, “I would like to be friends with him or her because we have something in common, or maybe he looks like he would be a good person to be friends with.” Let’s see what God sees when He looks at us as we hear a story from 1

A

pplication

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read 1 Samuel 16:413.

Tell the story or have the students read to the group from 1 Samuel 16:4-13. Emphasize verse 7.

Allow 15 Minutes

When you did that for someone else, you probably did it out of love. God looks at you, and He does not pay attention to the freckles He may have sprinkled on your nose or the color eyes and hair He gave you or even how tall or short He made you.

Give each child a paper heart and ask them to write on it about a time they helped someone.

Today’s Bible verse says, “The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

He looks at your heart and sees how much love you have.

You may think, “Oh, no! I do not have enough love in my heart.” That is okay. No one does; but if you ask God, He will make the love you have grow.

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Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Activity

Put this cup in a sunny window and keep it watered, and it will grow roots.

Give each child an avocado seed, a plastic cup, and three toothpicks. Show them how to root the seed in water by sticking toothpicks in the sides of the avocado seed to hold just the end of the seed in the water in the cup.

In your Growing Seasons group, you are going to grow roots also. Coming to the group is like planting a seed for a new life because you are starting to heal from the death or divorce.

Because this support group is a new beginning, we are going to have a birthday party.

Serve the children cupcakes and sing “Happy Birthday.” Give each child a wrapped gift and tell them it is a book where they can write their private thoughts and feelings.

Next week we are going to have a talent show. You can show us a real talent, like singing, dancing, or telling a joke; or you can do something silly. You do not have to do it, but it will be fun.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for loving my new friends.

Please help them grow stronger inside. Amen.

Take prayer requests and pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 1 139

Getting to Know You 1.

Name

2.

What do you want to be called?

3.

School

4.

If you could have one wish, what would it be?

5.

If you could change to any animal, which one would you like to be and why?

6.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Grade

Birthday

7. What would you do if you found $10,000?

8.

What do you do best?

9.

What do you wish you could do better?

10.

Who lives in the house with you?

11.

Who in your family lives somewhere else?

12.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

13.

What would you like to have happen in this group?

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140 Session 1

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

2 Happy 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Paint 2. Paint brushes 3. Paper

Opening Prayer Father, please help us to become better friends as we laugh and have fun together. Amen.

Bible Verse “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

(Philippians 4:4).

Warm-up Today we are going to talk about feeling happy. Close your eyes and think of a happy memory. Now you can paint a picture of that memory.

S

elf-Awareness Confidentiality Pledge I promise not to tell anyone what my friends say in my Growing Seasons group. It is okay for me to tell what my leader says or what I say.

As children arrive, provide paint and paper. Ask them to close their eyes and picture a happy memory and then paint it.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Explain about keeping confidential what is said in the group. Say the confidentiality pledge together. Be sure children understand that you will have to tell someone if you find that a child is being hurt.

You are all here because your parents got divorced or someone in your family has died, and this is a special time for you to help each other.

I will be calling this time change, but I realize not everyone remembers the change. Some of you may have been too young. For some, the most recent change may be the remarriage of your parent. We are here to encourage and support each other during this time of change.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 2 141

We are going to talk about feelings often in our group. This week we are going to think about being happy. There is a story in the Bible about some people who became happy.

Who has seen the movie, The Ten Commandments?

S

piritual-Awareness A long time ago, even before Jesus was born, God’s people, the Israelites, lived in Egypt. They were slaves of the Egyptian people, and the Pharaoh had been very cruel to them. He even had their babies killed.

Personal response.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Exodus 13-14.

The people had been waiting a long, long time for a leader to help them get away from Egypt and to lead them to the promised land. Finally, God sent Moses to lead them out of Egypt. It took a while because even though God sent many plagues including bugs, sores, and blood in their water supplies, Pharaoh hated to lose his slaves.

Finally, when God sent death to the Egyptian children and even the Pharaoh’s own son died, he told Moses the people could leave. Thousands of people quickly grabbed everything they could carry, including their children and the sick and handicapped, and left for the promised land.

They were feeling happy until they looked behind them and saw Pharaoh’s army chasing them. He had changed his mind about letting them leave. The powerful Egyptian army was coming up quickly behind them with horses and chariots and swords while in front of them was the Red Sea. There were no bridges, and they had no boats. How do you think they felt then? Who do you think was in control of their lives?

That is right, God! The people watched in amazement as the waters of the sea separated and dry land appeared. They hurried across on foot, and of course, Pharaoh’s army followed. As soon as the people got to the other side, the water came back down on Pharaoh’s army. As you can see, the people were very happy and sang songs to the Lord, The Bible verse for today says, “Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say rejoice.”

When do you think we should rejoice?

142 Session 2

Talk about rejoicing even when life seems not to be going their way.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

A

pplication

What makes you happy?

Allow 15 Minutes Personal response.

(If your group does not talk easily, bring a soft ball and throw it to each one and let them name something that makes them happy.)

Activity Now we are going to do a talent show.

Who is ready to do an act—silly or serious?

As a fun activity after the lesson, tell the children it is time for the talent show. Each child gets a chance to do at least one act, silly or serious. Make a positive comment for each child.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank you for happy times and my new Growing Seasons friends. Amen.

Ask for prayer requests and pray thanking God for happy times.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 2 143

3 Changes 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us start to accept the changes in our lives.

Amen.

Supplies 1. Popcorn 2. Air Popper 3. Salt 4. Margarine 5. Large bowl 6. Containers for popcorn 7. Pipe cleaners 8. Clay

Bible Verse “ ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ says the Lord God, ‘who is and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty’ ” (Revelation 1:8).

Warm-up Today we are going to talk about changes. One thing that changes is popcorn. These kernels are not very good to eat.

In fact, they might even break your teeth; but after they get hot, they are delicious..

I have changed in many ways in my life. Let me show you some pictures of me and my family through the years.

What are some ways you and your family have changed?

When someone dies or moves away, that is a change that can hurt. That hurt is called grief. Grief is lots of different feelings. Let’s talk about some of them.

144 Session 3

Using a hot air popper, make popcorn.

While eating, talk about changes in their families. Start with birth. (You can bring pictures of your own family at different stages if desired.) Introduce the word grief. Tell them grief is not a feeling but a group of feelings we go through when we have a loss. It can be a loss of a person through death or divorce or the loss of a familiar lifestyle. Even losing a favorite possession can cause some grief. It is very normal.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

S

elf-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes Explain the stages of grief.

1. Denial — You may want to pretend that it did not happen or that it does not bother you. For a while, you can even fool yourself.

2. Anger — You may be angry at yourself, your parents, God, or anyone else you blame for the change.

3. Bargaining — You may think you can change the situation back to the way it was by doing something such as keeping your room clean or working hard on your grades. It is good to do these things because that is what a responsible person does, but it will not make things the way they were.

4. Sadness or depression — You may feel very sad for a while and may not have much energy. Those feelings probably will not last long.

5. Acceptance — You finally realize that life is not ever going to be the way it was but it can still be good.

Personal response.

Do you know which stage you are in?

Emphasize that grief comes from love.

You can be in one stage for a while and then go back to a previous stage temporarily. That is okay. You will not always feel this way. If you did not love the person, you would not feel so badly that he or she is gone or no longer living with you.

S

piritual-Awareness Families and people change. Nothing stays the same, except God. That is part of God’s plan. Let’s read about a man who really changed when he became a friend of Jesus. Let’s look at Matthew 4:18-22; 14:22-33; and 16:13-19.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 4:18-22; 14:22-33; and 16:13-19.

Tell the story or have the children read aloud Matthew 4:18-22; 14:22-33; and 16:13-19.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 3 145

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

What was Peter doing in the beginning of the story?

Personal responses.

What happened?

What about his life was the same?

What was different?

How do you think he felt about it?

Does anyone know what happened to Peter the night Jesus was arrested?

He denied Jesus three times.

Jesus still loved Peter even after that. Peter’s name meant rock. A rock is a symbol of something that does not change, and what Peter said about Jesus will always be true. Jesus will always be the Son of the living God. People will change and families will change, but God will always be there for you.

Today’s Bible verse says, “ ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ says the Lord God, ‘who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty’ ” (Revelation 1:8).

Alpha means A and omega means Z, and this verse shows that God will always be there, from the beginning to the end.

How have you changed since the change in your life?

Personal responses.

How have your feelings changed?

How can the Lord help you adjust to these changes?

146 Session 3

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Activity Use these pipe cleaners and clay to make a scene of your family the way it used to be and the way it is now. The clay can be used as feet to help the people stand and for heads and faces.

Give the children pipe cleaners and clay. Ask them to make their family the way it used to be and the way it is now.

Closing Prayer

Heavenly Father, please help these children learn to look to you for help as they face the many changes in their lives.

Amen.

Take prayer requests and pray, asking God to help the children talk about how they have changed and how their feelings have changed even though it may be hard at times. Also, ask the Lord to help them adjust to the changes in their lives.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 3 147

4 Sadness 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Bucket or plastic bowl 2. Five pennies for each child 3. Poster board 4. Markers

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us know that this is a safe place to talk about our feelings. Amen.

Bible Verse “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy” (John 16:22).

Warm-up Have you ever seen graffiti on the side of a building or on a bridge? It can be words or pictures. You can use these markers to make some sad graffiti on this poster board.

Write or draw a picture of some things that make you sad.

S

elf-Awareness We are going to write a story about a family that had something sad happen.

148 Session 4

Prepare a poster board with the words SAD GRAFFITI. When children arrive, ask them to put some graffiti on the poster board. It can be something that makes them sad. Tell them to be creative in what they write or draw, like the graffiti seen in a big city. Read the graffiti together.

Allow 15–20 Minutes There should be a role for each child. For instance, if you have two boys and two girls, there can be a father, mother, sister, and brother. If you have only one sex in your group, the story should be about a family of all girls or boys. For example, it could be a mother and sisters after the father left. After the group has written the story, role-play what they have written.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

S

piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 26:3650.

It is okay to feel sad. Even Jesus felt sad while He was here on earth. Let’s learn more about that from Matthew 26:3650.

A

pplication

Tell the story or have students read aloud from Matthew 26:36-50.

Allow 15 Minutes

Jesus felt very sad, but He knew that the painful things that were about to happen to Him were all part of God’s plan to bring good to the whole world.

Sometimes we get sad about things that happen in our lives, but we are afraid to talk about these things. Maybe we think no one wants to listen, or maybe we think we will hurt someone else’s feelings, or maybe we think we can pretend we are not sad because talking about it hurts. Believe it or not, the best way to make our sad feelings not so strong is to talk about them. That releases them.

Remember last week we talked about grief. Grief is not just one feeling. It is a group of feelings. Sadness is one of those feelings. Remember we grieve because we love the person we do not see anymore or see less often. You will not always feel so sad. God says in His word, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy” (John 16:22). So when you are feeling really sad, remember you will not always feel this way.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 4 149

Who would like to tell us how grief has affected you?

Personal responses.

What happened to you when the change occurred?

How did you find out about the change?

Do you remember how you felt at the time?

What is happening now?

What do you want to happen?

Activity Put a small bucket or container in the center of the group. Give each child five pennies. Let them take turns making a wish for their family out loud and throwing the pennies into the wishing well.

Your wishes may or may not come true, but we can certainly pray about them. Sometimes we ask God for things and the answer is “no.” It is hard for us to understand that, but we need to remember that God sees our whole life from beginning to end like a mural on the wall, and He knows what is best for us. We can trust Him to listen to our problems and take care of us during the difficult times.

Closing Prayer

Heavenly Father, I know you know what it feels like to be sad. Thank you for understanding our sad feelings. Amen.

150 Session 4

Ask each child to tell the wish he or she would most like you to pray about. Pray.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

5 Anger 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Balloons 2. Newspaper 3. Funnel 4. Flour 5. Poster board

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us learn what we can do when we feel angry. Amen.

Bible Verse “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

Warm-up Have you ever seen a stress ball? We are going to make one.

Cover the end of the funnel with the opening of the balloon.

Then use your pencil eraser to push flour into the balloon.

When the balloon is full, tie it tightly and you will have a ball you can squeeze when you feel stressed or angry.

S

elf-Awareness

Put newspaper on a table and let children use a funnel (larger funnel works best) to fill balloons with flour and tie to make a stress ball.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

We are going to be talking about anger, and one thing you can do when you feel angry is to squeeze your stress ball.

Make a list of things about the divorce or death that make you angry.

Keep the list for use later in the lesson.

Do you think it is okay to feel angry?

Personal response.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 5 151

S

piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Deuteronomy 29:18-28.

Let’s learn what the Bible tells us about anger in Deuteronomy 29:18-28.

Tell the story or have the students read these verses aloud.

Also, let’s look at Ephesians 4:26. This verse says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

Emphasize that bottled up anger can be hurtful.

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

When people disobey God and especially when they worship other gods, that makes God very angry.

If God gets angry, then do you think it is a sin to get angry?

Getting angry is not a sin, but hurting someone because we are angry is.

Our Bible verse today says, “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

152 Session 5

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

What do you think that means?

Personal response.

It does not mean we should never get angry, but we should think carefully about the situation and what caused the person to do the thing that made us angry. Then we should control what we do about our anger.

There are things we can do when we are angry. One thing we can do is forgive like God forgives those who ask. We will talk more about forgiveness in Lesson 8.

Another thing we need to do when we are angry is talk to the person with whom we are angry.

That also applies to family members. They may not know that they have hurt you. If you go to them calmly and tell them how you feel, it will help them understand you. That is much better than holding in the anger about big things and exploding about little things or holding in the anger for a long time. Be sure to talk to them with respect and tell them how you feel, not what they should do. They are the adults, and they know things about the situation that you may not know. It might be a good idea to write down what you want to say and practice saying it in your room before you talk to your parent. Do not expect it to change anything, but it should help you and your parent to understand

Activity Let’s brainstorm and list some other things we can do when we feel angry.

Read Matthew 18:15—“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

Use the list of things that make you angry from the self-awareness section that the children wrote and role-play talking to parents.

Even if it was not listed, if they are dealing with divorce, ask them to roleplay the following: 1. Telling a parent how they feel when one parent says unkind things about the other parent.

2. Telling the parent they do not want to be a message carrier.

3. Telling a parent how they feel about having a stepparent.

Personal response.

Some ideas are: 1. Hit a pillow 2. Talk to a friend 3. Pray 4. Talk to a pet 5. Write about it 6. Throw a ball 7. Play a musical instrument 8. Draw or paint 9. Ride a bike or anything physical

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 5 153

Take out a piece of poster board with large circles drawn on it like a target.

Ask the group to name things that make them angry. Write what they name on the circles of the target. Tape the target to the wall and let the children throw beanbags at the target of things that make them angry.

Can you name some ways your body reacts to anger?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Face turns red Palms get sweaty Blood pressure rises Heart beats faster Voice gets louder

When this happens, we need to relax.

One way to relax is to close your eyes and get comfortable.

Then breathe very slowly and let the air fill your lungs from the bottom up and clear your lungs from the top down.

Then count slowly to ten and think, “I am relaxed.” Then slowly open your eyes.

Ask the group to go through these actions as you tell them about how to relax.

You can go through this relaxing exercise several times a day if anger is a problem for you.

Remember, God forgives when He gets angry. I hope you will learn to forgive too, but it helps to talk about the anger that is part of grief.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, there are many things that make us angry.

Help us learn how to control anger by talking about it.

Amen.

154 Session 5

Take prayer requests and pray, asking God to help the group to learn to handle their anger in the right way.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

6 Guilt

4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Pencils 2. Paper 3. Flashlight

Lord, help us to see the difference between the things that are not our fault and the things that are. Amen.

Bible Verse “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all” (Isaiah 53:6).

Warm-up Make a cartoon about a real situation when someone in your family was hurt or sad and you think it was your fault.

Allow group to share the cartoons.

Who knows what the word guilty means? Guilty is the feeling we have when we think we have done something wrong. Sometimes people do something wrong, and they do not feel guilty. Other times people feel guilty when they have not done anything wrong.

S

elf-Awareness I am going to give you a piece of paper. On it, you can write who you think caused your loss. You can disguise your handwriting if you want because we are going to read the papers out loud. Then we are going to have a mock trial to see who we think is guilty.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Give each child a piece of paper.

Read the papers out loud and each child chooses a role to play of the people listed, probably mother, father, or child, possibly others. If these people are not listed, you can suggest that some children might think that these people caused the change. Tell them that when they are not on the witness stand, they will be the lawyer, jury, and

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 6 155

the judge. Each child takes a turn being on the witness stand and the others ask that child, who is playing a role of a family member, questions about the death or divorce trying to decide who is guilty. After everyone has had a turn, the jury deliberates to decide who the guilty person is.

Having a mock trial was fun. I hope you learned something.

One thing I want you to remember from this is that it is not our job to judge who is guilty. There are often many things about the death or divorce we do not understand.

The Bible says in James 4:12, “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

S

piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Genesis 2:17 and 3:1-13.

You did not do anything that caused the change. I do not know what others did, but it does not matter because it is not up to us to judge. However, all people except Jesus have sinned at some time.

Let’s look at Genesis 2:17 and 3:1-13.

156 Session 6

Tell the story or have the children read these verses aloud.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

Adam and Eve were the first to sin, and all mankind have been sinners since then. None of you caused the divorce or death, but all of us have disobeyed God’s laws at some time, even if we only disobey our parents once in a while or only say unkind things about other people occasionally. Our Bible verse for today is, “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way: and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all” (Isaiah 53:6). We do not know who caused the change in your life, but we do know that the sin that is in the world caused it. Remember that God loves us very much. He loves us so much He sent a substitute to die for us. A substitute is someone who takes another’s place, like a substitute teacher. Jesus was the substitute perfect sacrificial lamb. Who knows that that means?

Before Jesus came to earth, God’s people would kill perfect animals as a gift to God for their sins. Jesus was the perfect gift to God because He is God. Because He died for us, we no longer have to kill animals for our sins.

Explain the idea of sacrifice. It is giving up something we would like to keep.

Activity Now we are going to have a chance to talk about anything you want. We are going to turn off the light and use a flashlight as a spotlight. Only the person in the spotlight can talk.

We can take turns.

Turn off light and use a flashlight as a spotlight. Whoever the spotlight is shining on has a chance to talk.

Allow group to talk about whatever is on their minds.

Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, help us to know that sometimes things happen in our families that we do not like, but we did not make those things happen. Thank you for sending you Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. Amen.

Take prayer requests and pray thanking God for loving us so much that He sent his Son.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 6 157

7 Faith

4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Cookies

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to learn not to be afraid but to trust you. Amen.

Bible Verse “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’ ’’ (Hebrews 13:5b).

Warm-up Let’s do an experiment. Sit on your hands. Continue to sit on them until I say otherwise.

Bring out a cookie for each child. Of course, you will have to feed them.

S

elf-Awareness You must have developed faith in me. You sat on your hands and allowed me to feed you the cookie. You had faith I would not do anything to embarrass or harm you. That is the kind of faith God wants you to have in Him. He created you and He will take care of you. When you have a problem, God wants you to talk to Him about it. Our Bible verse for the day is, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

158 Session 7

Allow 15–20 Minutes

.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Daniel 3:12-30.

We can trust Him completely. Let’s learn about some people who trusted God.

A

pplication

What happened when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego trusted God?

Tell the story from Daniel 3:12-30 or have the students read the verses aloud.

Allow 15 Minutes Personal responses.

Do you think they were afraid?

Do you think we can trust God as much today as these men did?

We can always put our faith in God, but what about other people?

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 7 159

Who in your family do you feel you can trust?

Personal responses.

Who in your family has let you down?

Do you think they meant to do that?

What has happened to your ability to feel safe since the change?

What are you most afraid of happening in your family now?

What can you do to help bring back the trust you used to have in your family?

Activity

Who would like to show me some acrobatic or gymnastic tricks?

160 Session 7

Either make some space on the floor or go outside for the children to do acrobatic tricks. Encourage the kind of tricks that require two people, such as doing a handstand and having one child hold the other’s feet. Have the children sit on the floor back to back, lock elbows, and try to get up together. Use these activities to demonstrate the need for trust in order to work together.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Hopefully, we have begun to trust our friends in our group.

What can we do to show others in our group that we trust them?

Be open with our feelings.

Being open with your feelings also helps you to rebuild the trust you have in your family.

Closing Prayer Let’s show our friends here how much we trust each other by praying together. I’m going to open the prayer, and you can take turns praying about anything that is on your mind.

I know it can be scary to pray out loud, but we are with friends who can be trusted not to laugh.

Heavenly Father, sometimes the people we love disappoint us and sometimes we disappoint them. Thank you that we can always trust you. You never disappoint. Amen.

Close with this prayer.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Session 7 161

8 Forgiveness 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Allow 10 Minutes

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to forgive like you forgive. Amen.

Bible Verse

Supplies 1. Beach ball 2. Treats— such as candy 3. Hot plate 4. Pan 5. Large spoon 6. Flour 7. Salt 8. Cream of tartar 9. Unsweetened Kool-Aid drink mix, any flavor 10. Cooking oil 11. Measuring cup and spoons

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John Warm-up

Have a soft ball, such as a beach ball, available to play with as children arrive and allow them to get somewhat rowdy.

The ball was fun, but now let’s sit in a circle.

Sit them in a circle without removing the ball. You are setting up for misbehavior in order to demonstrate grace.

S

elf-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes

We will be talking about forgiveness today. That is such an important subject. It is so important that if you sit perfectly still without moving while I read from the Bible I will give you a special treat.

162 Session 8

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

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piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 18:2135.

I will read Matthew 18:21-35.

21Then

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’

27The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. 29“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, “Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ 30“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

Read Matthew 18:21-35 slowly in a monotone voice. This will cause the students to grow restless which can be used as an example of grace in the Application section.

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A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

What do these verses say about forgiveness?

Personal responses.

How many times do you think God wants us to forgive?

Is it easy to forgive?

Is it easy to ask for forgiveness?

Should we forgive only those people who deserve it?

Do you remember that I said I would give you a treat if you sat perfectly still? I am sorry, but I saw all of you wiggle some. You do not deserve a treat.

Wait for sounds of disappointment.

I am going to give you a treat anyway because I am going to give you grace. That is what God does. He gives us blessings and eternal life even though we do not deserve it. God gave us laws to live by, but He knew we would never be able to always keep His laws because we are sinners. That is why he had to send His Son to take the punishment for the sins we commit, like the perfect lamb that was sacrificed for the forgiveness of sin. If we have faith in God and ask Him to forgive us of our sins, He will make us part of His family and we can live forever with Him in heaven when we die. Then we grow as a member of God’s family and that family never changes.

We know that God forgives us, but what about our anger?

What do you think God wants us to do about it?

Do you think it hurts others for you to be angry at them?

They do not even know how you feel unless you tell them.

Remember what happens to your body when you get angry.

Who does that hurt?

God wants you to forgive for your own benefit.

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Activity

Make something that symbolizes someone with whom you are angry or a thing about which you are angry. After you complete it, picture yourself letting go of the anger you have, just like letting go of a ball you are throwing. Then if you choose to forgive, you can smash your Play-Doh creation to symbolize your forgiveness.

Make Play-Doh with children using recipe below. Give each child a small amount.

Forgiveness is a choice you make.

Cooked Play-Doh Recipe 1 cup flour 1 cup water 1/2 cup salt

1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1 tablespoon cream of tartar 1 package Kool-Aid unsweetened drink mix

Mix all ingredients. Cook over medium heat, stirring until it forms a ball (about 5 minutes). Cool slightly and knead on counter top. Store tightly closed in refrigerator.

Noncooked Play-Doh Recipe 1 cup flour 2 tablespoon vegetable oil 1/2 cup salt 1 tablespoon alum food coloring water (not more than 1 cup) Combine first four ingredients. Add food color to water. Add water to mixture slowly until consistency of bread dough.

Closing Prayer Take prayer requests and pray, thanking God for forgiving us.

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving us when we make wrong choices and for helping us forgive others. Amen.

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9 Love

4th-6th Grades

Session

I

Allow 10 Minutes

ntroduction

Supplies 1. Pencils 2. Index cards

Opening Prayer Lord, please help us to understand how wide and how high and how deep your love is. Amen.

Bible Verse “The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 1:14).

Give each child three index cards and a pencil.

Warm-up We are going to play a game about love.

Go to a separate corner of the room and write something or someone you love on each card you have been given.

S

elf-Awareness

After they have completed the cards, take them up. Bring the children together to play a game where they guess who wrote each card. The one who gets the most right wins.

Allow 15–20 Minutes

We hear so much about how wonderful love is, but sometimes it can cause us lots of hurt. If we did not love our family, we would not grieve when our family changed.

However, we do love; and sometimes it hurts, but that is a part of life. In fact, love is a very special part of life, and it is worth the pain. It is like sunshine. Sometimes it gets too hot and even burns us; but without it, we would not grow.

Now we are going to work together as a group and write a definition of love.

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Let them define their idea of love.

Coordinator’s Guide: Growing Seasons, Turning Point, P. O. Box 22127, Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

S

piritual-Awareness

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Matthew 27:32-54.

Do you think God grieves?

Personal response.

Tell the story in Matthew 27:32-54 to the group or have the students take turns reading to the group.

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

If God grieves, then it must be a natural thing to happen.

God loved His Son very much, but He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us. Our Bible verse for the day is, “The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 1:14). God poured His grace, faith, and love on us abundantly by sending His Son to die for us. Still, that must have caused much grief for God. How has grief affected you?

Personal responses.

What changes has it made in you?

How would you be different now if your family had not changed?

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Activity Let’s write a letter to an imaginary friend, telling him or her what you have learned since the change, how you have felt, and what advice you would give. Now that you have been through it, you can help others. That is part of love.

Let the group compose a letter together.

Closing Prayer Ask for prayer requests and pray, thanking God for loving us.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving us and please help us to love others.

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10 Acceptance 4th-6th Grades

Session

I

ntroduction

Opening Prayer

Allow 10 Minutes Supplies 1. Large piece of butcher paper 2. Wooden heart 3. Markers 4. Strips of magnetic tape—found at craft stores

Lord, please help us learn to make good choices. Amen.

Bible Verse “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).

Warm-up Work together to decorate this paper using the theme, I Am Thankful.

S

elf-Awareness Please tell the the group the thing for which you are most thankful at the moment.

Prepare a large piece of butcher paper by writing I AM THANKFUL on it. Give the group time to decorate the butcher paper with pictures of things for which they are thankful.

Allow 15–20 Minutes Personal responses.

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piritual-Awareness God has done many wonderful things for us. He has given us life. He has given us His Son and the Holy Spirit. He has given us a home and food to eat. Yet sometimes we get down because there is something we would like to have that we do not have. Let’s see what the Bible has to say about that.

Allow 15–20 Minutes In preparation, read Luke 17:11-19.

Tell the story in Luke 17:11-19 to the group or have the students take turns reading to the group.

A

pplication

Allow 15 Minutes

What did nine of the lepers do?

They did not return to thank Jesus.

What did the tenth do?

He praised God.

Which leper do you think was happier?

The one who praised God.

Think about which of the lepers you are most like.

Which of the lepers would you rather be like?

Personal response.

God has given us choices. We can choose to be thankful, we can choose to follow Jesus, we can choose to forgive, we can choose to help others, or we can choose the opposite of these things. I believe that choosing God’s way is the way to joy.

This is our last time together, and I hope you have learned to make good choices and depend upon the Lord in the tough times. I want to share a few more verses that can help when you get sad or afraid.

Let’s look at how these verses can help.

Read Philippians 4:4-8.

What is the first thing the verses say to do?

Rejoice.

Where is the Lord?

Near.

What should we do when we start to feel anxious?

Pray, telling God what we need and thank Him for all He has done.

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What should we think about?

Good things.

What about these verses can help you?

Personal response.

You can choose whether to think about good things or dwell on unhappy things. As I said, God wants us to follow Him because it is our choice. He never forces Himself on us.

Activity Give each child a flat piece of heartshaped wood. Provide markers in several colors. Ask the children to decorate the wood or write a thank you message as a gift for someone special in their lives. Cut a small strip of magnetic tape to put on the back of the heart to make a refrigerator magnet.

Since this is the last meeting, spend some time asking how things are going in their family. Let them share about their feelings now.

What did you like about your Growing Seasons group?

You will have some easy times and some hard times in your lives, but God will always be there with you. Here is a verse to remember. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).

Personal responses.

If time permits, ask the group to write this verse on a piece of paper and illustrate it to hang in their room as a reminder that they are not alone.

Closing Prayer Close with a prayer of thanksgiving, letting each child mention something for which they are thankful.

Close with this prayer.

Heavenly Father, thank you for (name each child). Please bless them and help them to make good choices. Thank you for the time we have had together. Amen.

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Bibliography Briggs, Dorothy Corkille. Your Child’s Self-Esteem. Garden City, NY: Dolphin Books, 1975.

Campbell, Ross. How to Really Love Your Child. Wheaton, IL: Victor Press, 1977.

Clayton, Lawrence. Coping With a Drug Abusing Parent. New York, NY: The Rosen Publishing Company, 1991.

Fagan, Patrick F. and Robert Rector. The Effects of Divorce on America. Washington, D.C.: The Heritage Foundation, 2000.

Fleischman, M. J., A. M. Horne, and J. Arthur. Troubled Families, A Treatment Program.

Champaign, IL: Research Press, 1983.

Goldman, Linda. Life and Loss, A Guide to Help Grieving Children. Bristol, PA: Accelerated Development, 1994.

Hart, Archiblad. Helping Children Survive Divorce. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1996.

Jewett, C. L. Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss. Harvard, MA: Harvard Common Press, 1982.

Johnson, Joy. Keys to Helping Children Deal with Death and Grief. Hauppauge, New York: Barrons’s Educational Series, 1999.

Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying. New York, NY: MacMillan Publishing Company, 1974.

Martin, Grant J. Children in Pain. “Christian Counseling Today.” Buffalo Grove, IL: American Association of Christian Counselors, Summer 1995.

Sabates, Angela. Rain, Rain, Go Away, Depression in Children. “Christian Counseling Today.” Buffalo Grove, IL: American Association of Christian Counselors, Fall 1995.

Trozzi, Maria. Talking with Children About Loss. New York, NY: The Berkley Publishing Group, 1999.

Wallerstein, Judith, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. New York, NY: Hyperion, 2000.

Wilson, Jean and Linda Blocher. The Counselor’s Role in Assessing Children of Alcoholics. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, Vol. 25, No. 2. Alexandria, VA: American School Counselor Association, 1990.

Zeinert, Karen. Suicide, Tragic Choice. Berkeley, NJ: Enslow Publishers, 1999.

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