Strange Tales

Strange Tales by anton Valdemart

Food, Glorious Food

Bertrand loved his food and Christmas was the time he relished most of all - in more ways than one. As the seasons came and went, he drooled over nature’s bounty from woodcocks and partridges to oysters and anchovies. Bert - as he was universally known - wanted to share his gourmet tastes with others. He was a big man weighing 20 stone. “I need a lot of food to keep going,” he declared. The family restaurant was always packed, with menus designed to suit all pockets. Bertrand’s Chop House was patronised by royalty, usually incognito: one of Queen Victoria’s sons dined wearing a false beard. He had to retreat hastily behind a screen when his fake facial hair fell into the soup. Bert took everything in his stride, directing his chef and assistants and often adding his own flourishes in the kitchen. He was generous with the leftovers, discreetly passing them to the Salvation Army for distribution: there was not much left after his wife Mabel and their 10 children had first choice. They lived over the restaurant in cramped rooms forever filled with the smell of cooking. Mabel and the children benefitted from not having to cook themselves - except at Christmas. “Roxanne is 15 now and I think she should do the turkey this year,” said Mabel. “Yes and Cedric can help her,” Bert replied. Roxanne and Cedric were twins, the oldest of the brood. So it was settled: the children had to do all the organising from sourcing a huge turkey to cooking and serving it. Younger siblings were drafted to prepare the vegetables. Mother would still do the Christmas pudding - the children could tackle that next time if they were successful this year. Roxanne and Cedric chose the turkey as it ran around the farmyard. The farmer, a family friend, kindly prepared it for the oven. Bert also enjoyed Christmas because it allowed him some time to relax and be himself. It was Christmas Eve and preparations were in full swing for the turkey feast. Without telling anyone, Bert decided to sort out the old wine cellars that stretched some distance from the restaurant basement. He moved crates and bottles before his curiosity was sparked by a room hidden away behind a heavy rusty iron door. Bert squeezed inside but then, with a loud clang, the door closed behind him. It would not budge despite his frantic efforts: his calls evaporated in the vast catacombs. Everything was so busy upstairs no one missed father. They assumed he was visiting cronies, grateful for the free time. Christmas dinner was finished when reality kicked in. “Where’s daddy?” asked Emily, the youngest. They searched for three days and nights - family, police, friends, customers - until they found Bert, slumped in the hidden room.

“He will be fine,” said Dr Matthewson. “After he’s had a good meal.” “The turkey’s all gone, “ said Emily.

read my next Strange Tale in The LINK: Agatha and the Bear

Puzzle & Quiz Answers

Crossword Sudoko Quizzes

GeNerAL KNoWLeDGe

1. Balthazar 2. Myrrh 3. The Nutcracker Suite 4. Holly 5. Advent 6. Epiphany 7. New Year’s Eve 8. A partridge in a pear tree 9. Italy 10. Spanish

MUSIc qUIZ

1. 1973 2. Mud 3. Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) 4. David Bowie &

Bing Crosby 5. Pet Shop Boys 6. Dolly Parton 7. All I Want for

Christmas is You 8. Too Much 9. Donnie Darko 10. Al Martino