Dear Kiki

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Dear Kiki,

I’m a relatively happily-married 36-year-old artist, and my partner is also an artist and 38. We’ve been together for 10 years this spring, and we’re about as normal as two artists can be. Two years ago, both of us were prescribed medication that really helped our depression and anxiety. Seriously, these drugs have changed our lives for the much-better, and at this time, we can’t imagine life without them. Unfortunately, as with most drugs of their kind, what we’re taking has killed our libidos. We thought it would just be temporary, so we’ve stuck it out, but we’re two years in, and still nothing. Both of us are willing to try almost anything to “get the spark back.” I think we just need someone else to tell us what to do, so I thought I would ask you before we see a therapist (flattered?). Thanks for your awesomeness.

––Happy Dry Limp

Dear Happy Dry Limp,

Congratulations on seeking and finding

be more fun (I like to think so!) but therapy shouldn’t be a last resort. That said, there’s always barriers. Not all therapies are covered by insurance; not all people who seek therapy have insurance. And aside from money, therapy takes time that not all schedules can accommodate. So I’ll give my advice column answer, with the caveat that if you are able, you should use it in conjunction with therapy. My take? Do it anyway. Not feeling that massive rush of adrenaline that makes you want to tear each other’s clothes off? That’s cool. That’s kid stuff anyway. When you’re 90—maybe even when you’re 50—you find what you thought of as a spark is more like an ember that has to be coaxed into flame. While it’s disappointing to lose that instant fire at such a young age (and yep, you guessed it: therapy can help you process the emotions surrounding that loss), the fact is it was never going to last forever anyway. So you have an opportunity to start early getting to know each other and each other’s bodies in new ways that will remain useful to you. MY TAKE? DO IT ANYWAY. NOT FEElING Plan your physical intimacy together. I know, right? How THAT MASSIVE rUSH OF ADrENAlINE boring! Except that’s what THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO TEAr people with kids do. And that’s EACH OTHEr’S ClOTHES OFF? THAT’S what fancy jet-setting movie star couples who only get to see each COOl. THAT’S KID STUFF ANYWAY. other fleetingly between projects do. Pick a time and place and successful treatment for your depression and forget about the spark: Coax the embers. You anxiety! That’s huge, Happy, and I’m so proud can find a new sensuality, a new intimacy that of you both for taking that step to improve your maybe wasn’t available to you before. Go slow. lives and selves. And, as I’m sure you both Re-learn each other. And don’t be afraid of have realized, treating yourselves with care and toys, props, lotions, etc. Experiment. Explore. kindness is the best thing you can do for your Discover what you like. Doing so together with relationship with each other, as well. someone you love and trust is a wonderful gift.

That diminished libido is one hell of a kick- Revel in it! er, though, isn’t it? Many SSRIs (selective xoxo, Kiki serotonin reuptake inhibitors, a common form of antidepressant) have that side effect, so the KIKI good news is that you’re in well explored territory. Although I’m mos def flattered that you would seek out my advice, my first piece of WANTS QUESTIONS! advice is going to be that yes, talking with a sex or couples therapist is a great next step for you.

I’m going to beat once again my drum of Questions about love and sex in the iowa normalcy: Therapy isn’t necessarily to fix City-Cedar rapids area can be submitted what’s broken. You (and I, and all of us, as a so- to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or ciety) should think of it more as a gym for your anonymously at littlevillagemag.com/ self-awareness than a hospital. It’s a wisdom dearkiki. Questions may be edited for workout. There’s never a bad reason for going, clarity and length, and may appear either and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. in print or online at littlevillagemag.com. Alternative magazine advice columnists might