3. Communication

3

Communication

Communication is the way people build relationships and create understanding with others. The core competencies in this category address how coaches communicate and the specific practices of active listening, appreciative inquiry, and conflict resolution. This chapter offers tips and strategies to help you communicate effectively, whether you are an internal or external coach.

1. Communication Style CORE COMPETENCY Engages in collaborative communication by being present, attentive, and responsive to both obvious and subtle forms of communication

Human beings communicate both verbally and nonverbally. To communicate emotion and information well takes self-awareness. By fostering this selfawareness, you can increase your effectiveness as a coach.

“The quality of our relationships with others is often dependent upon the quality of our communications.” Seligson & Stahl (2003)

More than words People communicate through more than words. Frequently cited research says that only 7 percent of our message is communicated through spoken words, while 38 percent is communicated by tone of voice and 55 percent by body language (Crane, 2002). Although these percentages have been questioned, nonverbal communication plays a large role.

You can build trust and strong relationships by making sure the words you speak are consistent with your tone of voice and body language.

Check your tone of voice:

• Does your tone convey warmth, understanding, and confidence? • Is your pacing neither too slow nor too fast? • Does your tone communicate sincerity? Is it judgment-free? Check your body language: • Does your posture send the One exciting part about coaching in message that you are fully present and relaxed? If you know you feel stressed, lower your shoulOST is that little eyes and ears are often paying attention. Remember that how program leaders communicate with staff is an opportunity to model ders and consciously shed the respectful communication not only to tension your body is carrying. Try adults, but also to children and youth! to enter the visit or meeting with a fresh and positive mindset. • Is your facial expression pleasant? Does it convey interest? If you, like many people, naturally frown when you are concentrating, try to catch yourself and shift to a neutral facial expression. • Is your eye contact appropriate? Direct eye contact is important, but don’t let it become so intense that it makes the recipient feel uncomfortable.

• Are your gestures purposeful and deliberate? Use motions that support the message you want to send. Gestures that are too expansive or abrupt can distract from the ideas you are trying to share.

FOR REFLECTION How do culture and neurological diversity affect how comfortable people are with eye contact and other forms of nonverbal communication?

Effective communication to enhance relationships and learning Here are some tips to help you communicate effectively with the people you coach.

• Use two-way communication. Two-way communication produces natural discovery (Crane, 2002). Use a conversational tone that is informal, relaxed, warm-hearted, and easy to listen to. If you use a “telling” style of speech, the respondent may feel “talked at” and therefore fall silent. • Individualize how you listen and respond. Be ready to differentiate how you communicate. Some people are talkative right from the start; others take longer to get comfortable. Some people need time to reflect before responding. Be patient in allowing “wait time” for a response. Some people may even want to think about an idea or question until your next meeting or perhaps respond to you in an email. • Use open-ended questions that start with “what” and “how.” What and how questions require people to reflect and respond thoughtfully. Posing positive questions indicates that you are interested in hearing about others’ thoughts, experiences, and values. It helps continue the conversation. A closed-ended question that can be answered “yes” or “no” shuts down the communication and often the thought process. Why questions—for example, “Why did you choose that solution?”—may make the respondent feel defensive (Crane, 2002; see Core Competency 3, Appreciative Inquiry). • Use plain language in both spoken and written communication. Know your audience and tailor your language to its needs. In general: • Be succinct. • Avoid jargon or define specialized words or terms. • Use audiovisual aids when explaining an involved concept or a series of ideas.

In written communication, use these plain-language strategies: • Keep sentences short, without extra clauses.

• Use headings and sub-headings to organize information. • Make bulleted lists. Start every item with a verb. • Spell out acronyms. • Articulate individual and program strengths. By clearly articulating what individuals or teams have done well, you can help them see what kinds of practices are working. Then they can intentionally repeat the practices or build on those successes (Jablon, Dombro, & Johnsen, 2016; see Chapter 2, Core Competency 3, Strengths-Based Relationships). • Check in about the coaching process itself. After each session, ask,

“What worked well for you during this session?” Take notes about strengths you saw during the session so you can review your notes before the next meeting and continue to build on those strengths. (See Chapter 2, Core

Competency 2, Clear Expectations.) Effective virtual communication Technology offers amazing tools for fast, cost-effective communication and remote collaboration. External coaches—especially if they are in rural areas or have difficulty scheduling meetings—may find virtual coaching sessions valuable. Collaboration tools allow users to share video clips, comments, and resources. If you decide to conduct virtual sessions, get to know the platform you choose so you can take full advantage of it.

Meanwhile, both internal and external coaches often need Try not to text or to communicate by email, text, or instant messaging app. call staff while When you do, follow these tips from “A Guide to Effective programs are in Communication in Today’s Digital World” (2017): session. OST staff need to be primarily • Choose your words carefully. Tone can often be misinter- engaged with preted in writing. Even on the phone, you don’t have the benefit of body language and facial expressions. youth. They also need to answer texts and calls that • Don’t try to read between the lines. Instead of guessing at are immediately someone’s emotion, find out over the phone or in person. relevant—but your • Listen and learn. Listening carefully takes extra work message can wait! when you are not face to face. • Pay attention to etiquette. When emailing, always be conscious of tone. Avoid using ALL CAPS, which can be interpreted as yelling, and be careful to reply only to the correct recipient. When texting, first get the recipient’s permission to text. When you do, be mindful of the time so your message doesn’t disturb the recipient. • In all modes, always stay professional. (“Guide to Effective Communication in

Today’s Digital World,” 2017; see more in Chapter 5, Professionalism)

2. Active Listening CORE COMPETENCY Uses active listening strategies to fully understand ideas, perspectives, and feelings

Listening is an active process through which a coach can fully understand the other person’s perspectives and feelings. Active listening is essential to open and trusting coaching relationships; it also helps to avoid misunderstandings. Active listening can mean being silent and giving nonverbal cues to show understanding. It can mean paraphrasing what the other has said: “It sounds like what you are saying is….” Done in a genuine way, such paraphrases can help avoid miscommunication.

Research (Zenger & Falkner, 2016) shows that coaches who are great listeners:

• Ask questions periodically to promote discovery and insight. • Interact in a way that builds self-esteem by making the other person feel actively supported. • Structure cooperative conversations in which the coach is clearly trying to help. • Create a safe environment where differences can be discussed openly and where the coach is not working to win an argument. (Zenger & Falkner, 2016) Sharpen your listening skills These five tips can help you communicate more fully by listening more carefully.

1. Be fully present and quiet your static. The pace of life today is hectic.

You may arrive at a coaching session with your mind swirling around your growing to-do list or an upsetting interaction earlier in the day. You have to find a way to quiet this static, as it interferes with your ability to be present with the people you are coaching. It gets in the way of authentic connections and hinders your ability to build a strengths-based practice (Jablon,

Dombro, & Johnsen, 2016). Sometimes a few deep breaths is all it takes. (See the next section, on mindfulness.) 2. Practice empathic listening. Prepare for conversations by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Take a learning stance by gathering information about the other person’s experience, views, and perspective. If you “listen” from your own frame of reference, you can, as Steven Covey (2005) points out, slide into such mistakes as: • Evaluating the person’s words or motives—and then judging them. • Asking questions from your perspective, rather than understanding the other person’s thinking. • Giving counsel based on your own experience rather than building on the other person’s ideas and strengths. (Covey, 2005)

3. Pay attention to nonverbal communication. Communicate warmth and support through your tone of voice and body language. Pay close attention to what the speaker’s nonverbal communication is telling you. 4. Paraphrase what the speaker says if you need to If you’ve ever worked be sure you understand. For example, the program leader or a staff member team says, “I am so overwith children and youth, you know the importance of quiet whelmed with my job, I just don’t seem to have time to signals and call-andtackle the CQI work.” You might respond, “It sounds like response in getting you feel swamped.” It is important to wait here for confir- a good start to mation. When you get it, you might ask if it would help to listening. Think about talk about the task list to see if the two of you can find a your own quiet signal creative solution. By contrast, if the person says that the overwhelmed feeling comes rather from the emotional for getting ready to listen. (Just don’t say, “1, 2, 3, eyes on me!” strain of the job, that requires different solutions. aloud accidentally!) 5. Reflect on the person’s most important thoughts and feelings. Make sure that you fully understand what the other person is feeling.

With the overwhelmed staff member, you might say, “I know you are swamped.

Can you explain how that makes you feel?” If you just get a shoulder shrug, you can prompt the person with choices: “Do you feel discouraged? Disrespected?” Use mindfulness to improve your ability to be present Mindfulness is defined as a moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment (Davis & Hayes, 2012). Mindfulness practices—not only meditation but also physical practices such as yoga, tai chi, or qigong—can help you learn to be fully present in the moment.

Research (Davis & Hayes, 2012; Flaxman & Flood, 2012) shows that professionals who use mindfulness can improve their ability to empathize with those they serve. Studies of mindfulness practice have shown that helping professionals can develop:

• Increased compassion • Reduced stress • Decreased tendency to be emotionally reactive or to take on others’ negative emotions • Ability to focus attention and suppress distracting information (Davis & Hayes, 2012; Flaxman & Flood, 2012)

FOR REFLECTION What are some ways you can include mindfulness in your coaching practice? What classes or resources can you explore?

3. Appreciative Inquiry CORE COMPETENCY Understands and effectively uses appreciative inquiry, a strengths-based approach to organizational change

“We sow the seeds of change with the very first questions we ask.” Orem, Binkert, & Clancy (2007)

Appreciative inquiry provides a concrete way to deliver strengths-based practice. It mobilizes inquiry by asking an “unconditional positive question,” that is, one that is open-ended and does not have a wrong answer (Orem, Binkert, & Clancy, 2007).

Coaching using appreciative inquiry starts with what leaders and teams do well. It helps people move from deficit-based thinking to asset-based thinking.

APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY HELPS TEAMS MOVE FROM...

THIS STATE

What they don’t want What is not working What is problematic What is holding them back What they stand to lose

TO THIS STATE

What they want What is working well and what they can do more of What is possible What is propelling them forward What they stand to gain

Source: Orem, Binkert, & Clancy (2007)

The table below gives examples of problem-solving questions and appreciative questions. Think about how the answers to the appreciative questions are more likely to generate energy and excitement.

PROBLEM-SOLVING QUESTIONS

What isn’t working?

How are you going to fix this? What is your solution? What are you worried about? What do you think caused this to happen? What are you going to do about this situation?

What’s your plan?

APPRECIATIVE QUESTIONS

What is working well now? What do you want more of? What has been your experience with that?

What do you value most about yourself? What gives you energy? How will you know when you are successful and have reached best practice? When and where is best practice happening? How can you bring that best practice to other times or activities?

What are your wishes for the future for yourself and for the organization?

Orem, Binkert, and Clancy (2007) offer the following tips for using appreciative inquiry in coaching:

• Use questions that express curiosity, not judgment. • Use questions that get people thinking more deeply. Questions should invite multiple good answers rather than one “right” answer. • Encourage divergent thinking—that is, generate creative ideas by exploring many possible solutions. • Use language such as brainstorm, collaborate, and co-create—words that underscore the idea of being a learning partner. (Orem, Binkert, & Clancy, 2007) If you’d like to go deeper, read about the four core processes of appreciative inquiry in Appendix C.

4. Conflict Resolution CORE COMPETENCY Assesses and manages group dynamics to ensure that issues or concerns are addressed

As a coach, your goal is to work with the program leader or staff team to build a cohesive CQI team with a shared vision. In long-term professional relationships, differences of opinion naturally arise. Divergent viewpoints can be healthy and contribute to organizational learning. However, coaches must be prepared to address any deeper conflicts that emerge. Change can bring interpersonal tensions. When these tensions begin to get in the way of team cohesion or stop progress toward goals, you need to be ready to deal with them.

Various conflict resolution frameworks (e.g., Senge, The Heart of Transformation; Boston de Sylvia, 2003; Covey, 2005) offer strategies for handling inevitable conflicts. They agree on many basic strategies, including the following:

1. Stay calm and centered. 2. Before you approach the conflict, consider what you know about the people involved and what approaches might work. 3. Listen to both the words and the body language of the parties involved. 4. Use a “learning conversation” approach (see box page 31) to understand all parties’ perspectives, feelings, and unmet needs. Conflict resolution goes hand in hand with listening skills. Put on your “listening ears,”

5. Once you have heard all perspectives, work together and help the people you’re coaching to do the same.

to identify possible win-win solutions. It may help to state a positive goal before you engage the parties in brainstorming solutions. 6. Have the parties select one solution they can all agree to. 7. Clarify who has what responsibility in carrying out the solution. 8. Check in later to make sure the solution worked.

How To Facilitate A Learning Conversation

To facilitate a learning conversation, help the people you’re coaching to move away from establishing blame and toward understanding—both of what happened and of how people feel about it (Stone, Patton, & Heen). Encourage the parties involved to try the following shifts in attitude or action:

• Instead of delivering your own message or using persuasion, ask questions to try to understand others. • Instead of trying to let others know how they were wrong, find out what effect you are having on them. • Instead of avoiding a conversation about feelings, share your own feelings and acknowledge the feelings of others. • Instead of protecting your identity, work toward understanding what identity issues are on the line for others.

FOR REFLECTION Think of five words or short phrases to describe your communication style and habits. Do these words align with the characteristics of an effective communicator? If not, what changes can you make to improve your practice?

Have you ever knowingly or unknowingly used appreciative inquiry? What were the results?

How comfortable are you with conflict, especially in a coaching relationship? If you aren’t comfortable with conflict, choose one or two strategies from this chapter to try the next time conflict arises.

Communication References

Boston de Sylvia, S. (2003). Aiming the Mind: Strategies and Skills for Changing Culture through Conscious Communication. Conscious Communication Institute. Crane, T. G. (2002). The heart of coaching: Using transformational coaching to create a highperformance culture. San Diego, CA: FTA. Covey, S. (2005). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. Simon and Schuster. Davis, D.M., Ph.D., & Hayes, J.A. Ph.D. (July/August 2012). What Are the Benefits of Mindfulness?

Monitor on Psychology, 43(7). http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx Jablon, J., Dombro, A. L., & Johnsen, S. (2016). Coaching with powerful interactions: A guide for partnering with early childhood teachers. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children. Flaxman, G., & Flood, L. (2012). Brief Summary of Mindfulness Research. Mindfulness Awareness

Research Center: UCLA. http://marc.ucla.edu/workfiles/pdfs/marc-mindfulness-researchsummary.pdf A guide to effective communication in today’s digital world [Blog post]. (2017, July 27). https://blog. wps.com/a-guide-to-effective-communication-in-todays-digital-world Orem, S., Binkert, J., & Clancy, Ann (2007). Appreciative coaching: A positive process for change. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Seligson, M., & Stahl, P. (2003). Bringing yourself to work: A guide to successful staff development in after-school programs. New York, NY: Teachers College Press. Senge, Peter. The Heart of Transformation, from video on Listening and Inquiry as Intentional Innovation Methods. http://globalleadership.tv/video/peter-senge-the-heart-of-transformation/ listening-inquiry-intentional-innovation-methods/ Stone, D., Patton, B., and Heen, S. (2010). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books. Zenger, J., & Falkman, J. (July 14, 2016). What Great Listeners Actually Do. Harvard Business

Review. https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do