Sybylla Melvyn is a character created by which Australian author?

We all make mistakes sometimes...

I’d like to have a flight attendant as part of my life. Just to clarify, this is not for reasons of me being a man and liking attractive women with immaculately styled hair and precisely applied makeup. I just looked up flight attendant rules and discovered they also can’t be too short, aren’t allowed to be overweight, should only wear one pair of earrings, have no visible tattoos, must be non-smokers, can’t have acne, must have natural coloured hair, among many other ridiculous archaic demands, but again these are not the reasons I want a flight attendant as part of my life.

So why do I want a flight attendant in my life, you’re wondering. At the start of the flight, the flight attendant delivers the pre-flight safety demonstration. In it they will explain how to fasten your seatbelt, where the exits are if the plane happens to make an emergency landing, how to get oxygen, and generally what to do if the pilot makes a mistake and crashes.

The flight attendant’s job is to prepare you for the fact the pilot may well stuff up. The flight attendant doesn’t express any judgement about the fact that their colleague may kill everyone on board and destroy a multimillion dollar piece of machinery. They don’t roll their eyes as they explain that you should put your head in your lap. In fact they explain it in such a fashion that you end up feeling that if the pilot crashes it will be completely understandable, it won’t really be his or her fault, but it will all be okay.

Imagine if you had a person in your life who spoke to people who may be potentially impacted by mistakes as you performed any of your daily tasks. “Please understand that Michelle may get your change wrong when you pay for your new outift despite the fact it says very clearly on her cash register how much she is supposed to give you. In the event that she does get it wrong, please smile politely at her and exit the store following a quick look at the receipt and little shrug.”

And let’s be honest, the implications of a pilot making a mistake in their job are more significant than if you forget to pass on a phone message to return a call to a customer. But we still finish listening to the flight attendant thinking, “We understand. We all make mistakes sometimes.”

I’d love to have a flight attendant introducing my article to you each week. “Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that Robbie has tried his best to write an article which is entertaining and interesting in some way. Please be understanding of the fact he’s not as funny as he thinks he is, and quite an ignorant individual in general. Remember you’re getting Lifestyle1 for free each week.” You might actually get some satisfaction reading this rubbish each week if a helpful flight attendant had lowered your expectations.

Because that’s what the flight attendant achieves really, isn’t it? They lower our expectations. So anything other than crashing feels like a good outcome. When the pilot brings the plane in for landing, I often think, “He sure showed you lady! You were all doom and gloom and preparing us for his imminent failure, but he didn’t let your negativity get to him. Stick that in your tightly rolled bun.”

What about a flight attendant to prepare my children Shaquille and Lebron for my poor parenting? “Shaquille and Lebron, your father was raised in an environment where both of his parents were in and out of prison. Please be understanding when he insists that there’s nothing wrong with feeding you Coco Pops for tea.”

Someone who could really do with a flight attendant at the moment is Gladys Berealphabet, premier of New South Wales. It’s nice that they give her a signer to translate her speech into sign language for hearing impaired members of the community. But what Gladys really needs is a flight attendant. “Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that Gladys is very tired. It’s been a long eighteen months. She’s constantly having to go to meetings. Half of them really should be emails but she just has to go with the flow sometimes. Anyway it’s possible she might totally bugger up her government’s response to this impending disaster, but if we get to a point where there are over a hundred new cases a day, please put your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye.”

In some ways I sympathise with her. When we first starting hearing about the Corona virus, probably in about February last year, one of my friends explained to me the percentage of people who were likely to get the virus, and the percentage of people who it was fatal for, based on what had happened in China at that point. He then explained to me that would likely mean that five hundred people in Mount Gambier would die. I then explained to him phone numbers he could call to receive guidance with his mental health issues. I thought what he was saying was completely ridiculous. Touch wood, he has been proved wrong. But if I was the premier, there would be a lot of dead people.

But then I think “We’ve been going through this for eighteen months you buffoon! What did you think was going to happen! Did you forget to put your contact lenses in before flying the plane? Of course it crashed. You forgot to take the handbrake on!”

If you know any good flight attendants, email me at robbietansel@gmail.com