7 minute read
CORE CHALLENGES IN A LIFETIME
CORE CHALLENGES
IN A LIFETIME
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By Jenny Riddle, with insight from Lynn Beckett
For those involved in adoption, challenges and loss are a familiar story. All parties involved experience loss. As a result, hard days come. Those hard days are not limited to the first days or years in a home. There will be events or circumstances that will cycle through various issues stemming from loss. Adoption and caring for vulnerable families is simultaneously beautiful, joyful, and full of loss. It is a tapestry woven by years of both celebrating and grieving as life brings various threads to the story. Dealing with the issues of loss will help strengthen the threads and give room for the Weaver to redeem. In an article for the National Council For Adoption by Nancy Randall, Psy.D. and Kim Shepardson Watson, LCSW, the authors note several core issues that arise throughout a child’s story of adoption or foster care. These issues affect all persons in the adoption or foster care relationship: child, birth family, and adoptive or foster family. For this article, the focus will be on the child’s loss and how that may be revealed in various life stages.
LOSS & GRIEF
No matter when or in what circumstances a child comes to live with his new family, losing his birth family is a traumatic loss. These losses are what necessitate adoption and foster care in the first place; although both are redemptive, both exist because of loss. No matter how good a new family is, a child has lost his family of origin, and this trauma cannot be understated or overlooked in the home. By allowing children to verbalize, acknowledge, and experience their loss, parents can help them work through challenges that hinder their healthy development. They may even want to initiate conversations with their child to signal that it’s okay to talk about these feelings. However, loss is not an issue that is simply “dealt with” or goes away. Issues of loss will occur at various points in a child’s life and as he grows into adulthood and beyond. Sometimes this loss will be most prevalent in events that are typically seen as the most celebratory: birthdays, school milestones, weddings, birth of children, Mother’s and Father’s Day, and other holidays. As families gather for these events, a child may have a strong sense of loss for the family that isn’t there, even though they love the family that is present. Parents can take steps, with the child’s permission, to acknowledge a birth family at an event, such as with an empty chair, a bouquet of flowers, consistent prayers, a special ornament, or a special food. Children who experience loss will grieve these losses. Parents and other close adults can mistakenly attempt to gloss over expressions of grief in an attempt to force or salvage happiness for children. Yet, dismissing grief places an unnecessary burden on children or adults, as they pretend to show happiness without acknowledging their grief. If grief is left unacknowledged, as children age, they may act out in unhealthy ways. Acting out could start as misbehavior, depression, and later move to other destructive forms like drug or alcohol abuse, rebellion, self-harm, busyness, or even addicted to “good” things. Parents must allow children the room and space to express grief in a healthy way and ask for outside help to process it if needed. Parents can continue to acknowledge this grief as they approach new life stages and events and be present for their children to process and work through their emotions.
REJECTION & INTIMACY
As children learn the story of their lives, they may experience feelings of rejection associated with their birth families. They may think something was wrong with them or that they were unworthy of love. No matter what explanation exists to their need for a permanent or temporary family, they may wrestle with thoughts that they were simply rejected because of who they were. These emotions may linger in the background of their minds as they age, and surface with friendship struggles, in competitive endeavors, family relationships, dating relationships, applying for college or
jobs, inside their vocation, and in relationships in general. Additionally, feeling rejected once or many times, children who were adopted or in care may be afraid of being rejected again. Children from hard places may consider intimacy with others a risk too great to take. Without developing the ability to connect in closeness with others as a child, they may see further challenges as an adult in areas such as marriage, family, parenting, and friendships. Parents can look for signs that children are struggling with feelings of rejection or closeness. In addition to being age-appropriately truthful about their story, consistently pouring the Word of God into their lives is vital to their understanding of who they truly are in light of who their Creator is. Parents can help children know that their worth is found in Christ, who understands rejection, and came to overcome and redeem it. Counseling or a mentorship may also be an effective way to help children (or anyone) process their feelings and struggles in a healthy way so they can develop healthy relationships in life.
GUILT OR SHAME
Children who are no longer with their birth families, for whatever reason, may feel guilt that they caused the separation or shame because their circumstances and family is different than others around them. Difficult feelings may surface with school projects that ask about family life, at life milestones, and as they may move from home to home. Teens and adults may also have trouble articulating their emotions as they age and friends or co-workers ask about their past. They may wonder what they could have done differently to change their family history. Children may also feel guilt or shame because they do not know the truth about their story. As children enter the teenage and young-adult years, especially, they will likely become more curious about their history. Parents should not attempt to avoid discussions about adoption. By talking openly about adoption from the beginning, parents communicate the truth that adoption is not shameful. On an age-appropriate level, parents can help quell fears or misplaced emotions by truthfully engaging their children with their story. It’s important to admit the difficult parts and saturate and encourage them in the truth of God’s Word as you go.
IDENTITY
Each person reaches points in his life when identity becomes a question of: “Who am I?” Beginning in the teenage years, young adults will begin to put together a picture of who they are based on their history and who they want to be. For children who have been adopted or are in care, they experience the typical identity formation but are also faced with extra emotional challenges related to their loss. They may or may not know anything about their birth family. They may not have baby pictures. They may or may not know anything about their birth family, cultural, or racial heritage into which they were born. In the younger years, family tree projects at school can be an impetus for identity struggles. In the teenage years, their own search for who they are can cause grief. As they build families or seek to form their own family traditions, identity issues may arise. In all of these seasons, parents can remain truthful with the information they know in age-appropriate ways. They can also talk with teachers about special projects at school, help celebrate their birth culture at holidays and special occasions, and continually point them to their unchanging identity in Christ.
CONTROL
Development in the teen and young adult years is typically characterized by a desire for more personal control. Children who have come into a family through adoption or foster care have had significant life-long decisions made for them. They experienced a complete lack of control in leaving their birth family and culture and joining a new family. As a result, even young children strive to retain control over some parts of their lives. Teens and young adults may struggle for control in areas like education, sports, vocation, relationships, and daily choices. Acknowledging a child’s need for some sense of control will help give them back the ability to make choices over their own lives. As families journey on the road of adoption or foster care, parents can recognize triggers for loss and the needs behind behaviors and struggles. Allowing your children to express their feelings without guilt or shame is a strong part of healing. No matter how parents and children address losses and struggles, children may always feel loss. Many families find that therapy or counseling is vital in helping children express, process, and work through their feelings and losses. Lifeline’s Education and Counseling Team is equipped and available to walk with families, no matter how long they have been on the journey.
