F REE CO PY — F O R REA LS (NO HI DDEN ANYT HI N G!)
QUA CON LITY T INSI ENT DE See
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November 2019
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Life on Cloud 9 With Visible’s $40/mo phone service, you’ll be flying high on unlimited data. Page 16
Visible now has uncapped data speeds so fast they’ll whip your hair back! Page 34
INSIDE: 20 REASONS WHY A WI-FI HOTSPOT IS BETTER THAN A BOYFRIEND
This’ll be the ad that makes you switch to $40/mo phone ser vice.
Sponsored #content
PHONE TODDY
Because your smartphone deserves a break, too. This dual-purpose phone stand functions as a miniature bean bag for your beloved phone, giving it a cozy home to rest while you bingewatch another serial killer crime documentary.
MADE WITH REAL BEANS!*
We can just feel it.
*NOT ACTUALLY MADE WITH REAL BEANS
Phonetopia Exclusives Adorable pop-up swag. What else could you need?
TOUCHSCREEEN GLOVES
Keep your appendages toasty with a pair of our trusty texting gloves. These durable gloves come with smartphonefriendly textured fingertips, so you can text, scroll, and swipe even in subzero temps.
FLIP PHONE PIN
“My backpack was looking totally lame. Like, it looked the same as everyone else’s, and I was literally dying because I am a unique individual. But thankfully, Visible gave me one of these totally retro enamel pins. Its meta flip phone design was the touch of irony my ensemble was missing. I get so many compliments now, I love it!” -Anonymous Millennial
LISTEN UP, IT’S TIME TO PARTY!
If your dream is blasting pirate metal while camping, it can now be a reality with this portable Bluetooth speaker. It connects wirelessly to smartphones, so don’t be afraid to hit repeat for the 803th time, whenever and wherever you are.
DENVER BACKPACK
It’s a backpack. With Visible branding. It’s functional. It’s stylish. It brings out your eye color. So, basically, you *need* this.
Oops! Running away from a hockey-masked killer again?
BOX O’ SNAKES
First, there were snakes on a plane. Now, here’s a box of snakes—a delightful cardboard concoction of totally non-venomous snakes for your recreational and professional pleasure. All snakes are 100% organic, humanelysourced from Mother Nature. Cardboard boxes are 100% recyclable.
Cobras
560002A.......................................$89.99
Pythons
560002B...........................................$89.99
“My child loved the box of live snakes, it was such a surprise!”
Have no fear—our LED tactical fanlight is designed especially for those blood-curdling moments when death by a murderer is not only imminent, but so is death by humidity. Equipped with four modes (High/Medium/ Low/Strobe), this multi-purpose fanlight is your ultimate (read: only) ticket to survival.
FANLIGHT $19.99
-Britney F. ART DIRECTOR
He rejects project proposals. He gives nonsensical creative feedback. He spews artistically pretentious phrases like “Needs more legs.” Most likely sports a man bun, vegan, unhealthy obsession with bowties, and hornrimmed glasses. He’s an… art director. Hire this artisanally-crafted individual for your next freelance project. Gratuity not included. Results may vary. 100289C.......$350/hr.
FANCY ANCIENT VASE
REJECTS PROPOSALS!
It’s culture, ever heard of it? With this totally authentic ancient vase in your home, nobody will ever doubt your taste in expensive wine or worldly cultural knowledge. This one-ofa-kind, exquisite masterpiece is crafted from porcelain and is a legendary artifact* from 69 BC. 56000A..........................$699.99
Ugh! INEXPLICABLY LOOSE EARBUDS
With today’s tiny minimalist earbud designs, nobody even knows if you’ve spent a lot of money on buying a pair. That’s where Ugh Earbuds comes in. These beauts are non-ergonomically designed to fit the day-to-day life with style. A patented ill-fitting design allows you to pretend to be “surprised and annoyed,” publicly—but privately, you’re excited to show off them off with every fumble (which is every 5 minutes!).
Earbuds That Just Fall Out
82762A...................................$379.99
A TALE OF LOVE, LUST, AND MONTHLY HOME VISITS...
All you need for a steamy night in: a bubble bath, red wine, a cowboy hat, and this pageturner about a charming yet conflicted cowboy who sparks a forbidden romance with his parole officer (but her unofficial title is smoldering temptress). We won’t spoil the big twist for you here, but know this: you’ll need a cold shower after.
The Billionaire Cowboy’s Seductive Parole Officer (First Edition) 06901C..............$44.95
KAYAK-PAK
Who needs a backpack when you have a kayak pak? This future-forward technology lets you take your favorite outdoor sport with you wherever you go. Sure, the likelihood of a surprise torrential downpour in Denver is pretty low, but who doesn’t want to be that person who saves the day.
A Backpack That is Also a Kayak 86728W....................$599.99
POTTYFRIDGE
Say the name once and you’ll never forget it. Our Pottyfridge meets two basic needs at once and all in one stylish design. But don’t let us tell you. Hear if from one of our satisfied star customers. “As a new dad, you rarely get a moment away. That’s why I love Pottyfridge. My family thinks I’m just having indigestion, when in reality, I’m snacking, I’m hanging out, I’m catching up on my favorite shows, I’m having a great time. Thanks Pottyfridge, for turning my bathroom into my mancave.” - B. Dixon. 000002A..........................................$4,999.99
“Thanks Pottyfridge, for turning my bathroom into my mancave.” -B. Dixon
*DISCLAIMER: IT’S NOT.
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BLAM-O PROFESSIONAL SLIP’N’SLIDE
MIDNIGHT MUNCHIES
In case of emergencies, crack open a 35 oz jar of good ‘ol American cheese puffs—all engineered with super real cheddar “cheese”. This is the quintessential savory snack no matter the occasion, whether it’s for *actual* munchies or those late Saturday nights when you stumble home intoxicated ready to savagely devour processed food. Gluten-free. 45500A...................................$19.99
“*Screech* Nothing beats finding a half empty bucket of these scattered on the docks on a foggy Sunday morning! They go down like fresh worms! *Screech*”
Want to burn calories while en route… to anywhere? Meet the Slip’n’Slide—a heart-pumping, dynamic mode I wanna of transportation GO FAST! that gets you from point A to B in the fastest way possible. Not only will you feel as if you’re vacationing at a children’s water park, but you’ll also be training towards the Olympic gold medal for professional slipping and sliding (coming soon, we’re sure). Swimsuit not included.
Including Handrails
-The Gull
278600A........................................$3,599.99
Varsity Edition
278600B........................................$2,149.99
FUNNY SALAD BOWL
Eating your veggies used to be an extremely emotional and unpleasant experience. But getting your green fix just got way more fun. This state-of-the-art salad bowl tells you jokes as you snack. That’s right, our patented chlorophyll sensor picks up on the general healthiness of the vegetables, and the greener the veggie, the funnier the jokes will be. Bon appétit!
Joke Bowl
10002A....................................$36.95
LIFE-SIZE COCOON
SAY GOODBYE TO THROWING THE BONE!
We’ve all heard about the magic of metamorphosis. A caterpillar enters its cocoon and after a few weeks, it emerges as a beautiful butterfly. The phenomenon has intrigued scientists for decades, and now we’re pleased to announce that we created our own version with the world’s first human cocoon. This monthly kit comes with gorgeous iridescent fabric for you to create your own cocoon, Simply start at your feet and wrap this stretchy, breathable fabric all the way up until you’re completely encased.
With Go Fetch! Multifunctional Phone Holder, a more exciting game of fetch is CALLING. Instead of tossing one of those boring basic rubber balls for your furry friend, we’ve developed a state-of-the-art device that launches any smartphone up to 360 feet (the length of one football field!) Your furry pall will love chasing after the device you spend most of your time on. Comes with a crowd pleasing guarantee. Compatible with most devices.
Go Fetch! Multifunctional Phone holder
1 Month Plan
908197A......................................................................$49.99
19992A.................................................................$199.99
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1-800-CloudMall (1-800-wyetmv,mg)
visiblemobile
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No more painfully baggy jeans.
SEXY KAREN FROM MARKETING COSTUME
Your seasonal work party will come to a standstill when you arrive dressed like Karen, that temptress who always serves marketing goddess realness. With this uber trendy sneakers-black pantscollared shirt combo, you can capture Karen’s essence and make it your own. 99022A...................$149.99
SKINNY JEAN MAKER
Welcome back—it’s the year 2007 and skinny jeans are sexy again. This innovative vacuum transforms lifeless oversized denim into seductive, leg-hugging jeans that beautifully defines everything from the vastus lateralis to the Achilles tendon. The unique triple-seal turbo valve extract airs to ensure the most compact skinny jean experience and custom molds to every body type. So form-fitting you’ll never be able to take them off. Ever.
66719A
Slim Fitter
70-007A................................................$149.99 66719B
Skinny Fitter
SPIRITUAL ELDER UNIFORM How does one achieve enlightenment and a group of devoted followers? Charms? An understanding of human psychology and knowing how to exploit it? An approachable monochrome outfit? It’s probably a mix of all three. But today we’re focusing on the latter: how to look part of a spiritual leader. Simply adorn this enlightened elderinspired tunic and pants set and your followers are sure to follow!
70-007B................................................$159.99
Uncomfortably Tight Fitter
70-007C................................................$169.99
CELERY BOTTOM HEELS
Get a look at those stems! In this case, we’re referring to both your gorgeous gams in this 3-inch kitten heel and the freshly cut celery stems inside. Celery bottom heels, or as we lovingly refer to them, CBH, are a must-have for any hangry fashionista in your life. These babies come fully stocked with fresh, locally sourced celery sticks, protected in our patented refrigerated heel. Each heel is removable and see-through, giving onlookers a chance to see what a healthy lifestyle you must live. 092223A.................................$120.00
Full Set
66719A-B...................................$84.99
FASHION FORWARD TURTLEFACE SWEATER
Baby, it’s cold outside and sometimes a turtleneck sweater just won’t cut it. Because let’s face it (pun intended): necks are great and all, but you actually lose more body heat through your head. So we took the concept of a turtleneck and took it to the next (neck) level. Enter the turtleface sweater. Each turtleface is designed to keep you both cozy and incognito. 209890A........................................$39.99
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REPLACEMENT BROWS
Are you one of the millions of Americans who suffered from the 1990’s uber thin eyebrow trend? Our moms warned us about how long eyebrows take to grow back, and yet we still over-plucked. Thankfully, the scientists over at browz4daze formulated a solution. Simply stick a replacement eyebrow over your existing one and say “hello” to Power Brows™. 21298A........................$12.99 ea.
1-800-CloudMall (1-800-wyetmv,mg)
A BOTTLE OF WATER
Forget vampire blood facials and 24 carat gold face masks. The cult-favorite beauty secret beloved by the world’s 1% is here and it’s a bottle of pure H20. Now, you can drink your way to a glowing complexion! Water comes freshly sourced from the kitchen tap. Packaged in high-density polyethylene plastic. Not gluten-free. H222O...........................$1.99
visiblemobile
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Ciao!
#EuroTrip
Lose yourself in these genuine European treasures and feel like a true member of the European Union!
“I Don’t Understand” in 500 LANGUAGES
Say goodbye to translation apps and hello to THE ultimate pocket-sized language book. Instead of frantically conjugating verbs and butchering simple phrases, you can now speak English to locals, whether they like it or not—it’s 100% for YOUR comfort and convenience! After all, who has time to “learn a new foreign language” and “experience the culture” when you’re sipping pinot grigio in a vineyard and swapping trade secrets about sexy Karen from marketing?”
Translation Guide
1761710D..........$4.99
THE BAYEUX TAPESTRY
Once upon a time, the legendary Bayeux Tapestry was merely a historic artifact. Today, it’s a sartorial musthave. Crafted from 70 meters of intricate embroidery, this fleece wearable blanket depicts the tale of William the Conqueror’s epic medieval quest to invade and occupy England in the year 1066. 873594A......................................................Market Price
AUTHENTIC BASKET OF COOKED PASTA
Pasta? From a box? No thanks. Now, you can host an Italian dinner party with an authentic wicker basket of cooked angel hair pasta. Our angel hair pasta is locally sourced from cage-free angels—perfect for any heavento-table feast! Simply toss with Satan’s Olive Oil (freshly imported from the Ninth Circle of Hell), serve, and enjoy. 12786C.................................................................$29.99
MACHINE WASH
Uncle Norm’s CONSPIRACY MAP FOR KIDS
The real location of the Holy Grail? The catacombs under the catacombs of Paris? The mystery burial site of Joan of Arc? Imagine frolicking the streets of your favorite European city child-free as you send your kids on a scavenger hunt for the secret artifacts of European lore. Each Uncle Norm’s Euro Conspiracy Map comes complete with Uncle Norm’s Junior Detective Kit to keep your little ones busy for hours. Relive your honeymoon without the burden of parenthood on your next trip! 109388A..................................................................$59.99
Now with Esperanto! NAPOLEON BONAPARTE CUSTOM SIGNED PORTRAIT
COLD WATER ONLY
In collaboration with an anonymous and extremely legal top secret science division, we’ve resurrected Napoleon Bonaparte from his grave for a limited edition batch of custom signed portraits. Each portrait is handsigned by Napoleon and comes fully certified with a Certificate of Authenticity and tamper-evident hologram.
DO NOT TUMBLE DRY
FAKE PASSPORT
Nothing says “I’m cultured” like a passport filled to the brim with stamps. But if your passport is looking a little –ahem– bare, we’ve got the perfect solution. This Instagram-ready, prestamped passport is the ideal finishing touch to your fake “travel blogger” online persona. 99101A...................................$39.99
Glass Framed Portrait 8” x 10”...................$149.99 7” x 12”...................$299.99 11” x 18”...................$599.99 20’4” x 32’0”............Priceless
ENTIRE ITALIAN VILLAGE One day this will all be yours!
Due to recent austerity measures, Italy has been forced to sell off substantial portions of its national land. And now, you can snag a luxury, state-ofthe-art Italian villa of your very own. Electricity and plumbing not included.
Visilia, Tuscany
99101A......................€19.95
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No more “Dead Zones”!
Turn heads and wag tails. PupStunt SNEAKERS FOR FASHIONABLE DOGS
Your Instagram pet account won’t reach 10,000 followers without these sweet pup sneaks. Poodle heads will turn as your four-legged hypebeast strolls down the sidewalk in these hip kicks. The dog park will become a runway when you show up, but you better remember your wet wipes to keep these shoes shining. Designed only for the most fashionable dog breeds (trendy mixes are so hot right now) these athleisure-meets-streetwear sneakers are what every fuzzy IG diva needs.
Time to break up with your neighborhood phone thief.
213895A..........................................$89.99
Theftproof PRE-CRACKED PHONE CASE
WI-FI IN A CAN Now in a crisp floral scent, Wi-Fi in a can is your ticket to a connected world. Brought to you exclusively by Visible phone service, it may create a temporary hotspot wherever you spray it. Also repels bugs. 99101A......$39.99/mo
CONNECT ANYWHERE NOW!
PupStunt™ Thicc Shoes
With our exclusive Theftproof pre-cracked phone case, your phone instantly will repel thieves. It replicates the look of a smartphone that’s seen a fair share of abuse, turning even the newest model into a total eyesore. And, because this product is 100% authentic, you’ll find bits of real broken glass on the cover.
They may be hollow, but whatever they are, they are full of fun!
Cracked Case
45009A.......$69.95
FUZZY YELLOW SPHERES
ONLY
49
$
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Who says dogs get to have all the fun? Experience for yourself the immense pleasure that is running and bouncing this fuzzy yellow ball of awesomeness. Country of origin unknown.
99/mo REFILLABLE BOTTLE
1-800-CloudMall (1-800-wyetmv,mg)
400921A.............................Market Price
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This is an ad for a phone ser vice pop-up about phones called #Phonetopia. (So basically, you’re inside a phone ad. Reading a phone ad.)
Phonetopia.com 11/7 — 11/24