The Crazy Eyez Vol. 01 Issue 01

*NOT A REAL PUBLICATION*

z a r 2 2 0 C 2 e l 1,

thme 01 volu

z e y E 1 0 e y ssu

i r p A

i

NEWS (3-4)

A&E (6)

SPORTS (15)

WHY THE EAGLE EYE SUX - PAGE 12 WARNING: ALL ARTICLES ARE SPOOFS, PARODIES, OR COMEDIES AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. XX

News

April 1, 2022

2

Upcoming Events Friday, April 1, 2022

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Sunday, March 13, 2022

6:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.

Free Clinton Lanes Bowling Passes sponsored by SAS

11:00 a.m.

Drag Diversity Story Time with Sugar Plum at Stevenson Library

9:30 a.m.

Common Place Campus Ministries Student Lunch

8:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m.

Friday Night Volleyball at the SRC

6:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.

Free Clinton Lanes Bowling Passes sponsored by SAS

6:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

Haven Cupboard Open

Covid-19 Total

What’s Covid lol?

Eagle Eye Staff Managing Editors Cassandra Keller cmk2356@lockhaven. edu Tess English tae7002@lockhaven.edu

Design & Ads Manager Kerri Hoover kah4338@lockhaven.edu

News Editor Kerri Hoover kah4338@lockhaven.edu

Sports Editor Thomas Kaikai tjk2774@lockhaven.edu

A&E Editor Alex Ross amr1884@lockhaven.edu

Online Editor Kassidee Wozniak kbw191@lockhaven.edu

Lifestyles/Copy Editor Kit Taveras mxt9438@lockhaven.edu

Opinions Editor Levi Deitz lwd6497@lockhaven.edu

Advisor Dr. Sharon Stringer sstringe@lockhaven.edu

Staff Writers Nigella Jones njj2920@lockhaven.edu Tristan Klinefelter tmk432@lockhaven.edu Ashley Lawson ael9097@lockhaven.edu Joel Robinson jmr4508@lockhaven.edu

3

April 1, 2022

News

Eagle Eye Staff Superlatives Eagle Eye Staff lockhaveneagleeye@gmail.com

Queen Petty Tess English

King Petty Levi Deitz

Most Likely to Be Late Kerri Hoover

Most Wrong Answers Cassie Keller

Best $wag Ka$$idee Wozniak

Would Haunt the EE Ashley Lawson

News

4

April 1, 2022

Eagle Eye Staff Superlatives Eagle Eye Staff lockhaveneagleeye@gmail.com

Alex Ross

Best At Sports Thomas Kaikai

Most Positive Joel Robinson

Mario Kart Champion Kit Taveras

Worst Attendance Tristan Klinefelter

Practicum MVP Nigella Jones

Most Judgy About Music

5

April 1, 2022

Moment of the Week Chris Rock strikes back after Will Smith suckerpunched him during the Oscars.

Moment provided by: Jada Pinkett Smith

Joke of the Week My life.

Joke provided by: My life experiences

Fun Fact The Communication department chair recommends every college student get a communicationS degree.

Fact provided by: The Eagle Eye Staff If you would like to submit your own moment, joke or fun fact, email Kerri Hoover at kah4338@lockhaven.edu with “Weeklies” in the subject line.

News

Weekly Events

A&E Where’s that one from?

Movie Quote: “Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Daddy, would you like some sausage?”

Last week’s movie: “The Passion of Joan of Arc” (1928)

Apr. 1, 2022

6

Artist Spotlight: Cupcakke Levi Deitz Opinion Section Editor lwd6497@lockhaven.edu

Get ready to add some new hits to your playlist because today, we’re talking about the rapper, Cupcakke. Cupcakke is a 24-year-old rapper from Chicago. She released her debut mixtape in 2016, which ranked on The Rolling Stone’s list of Best Rap Albums in 2016.

Since then, she has released four albums titled “Audacious”, “Queen Elizabitch”, “Ephorize” and “Eden”. From these albums and mixtapes, she has released 32 singles, and has been a featured artist on 25 others.

Some of my favorites songs of hers include “Squidward Nose”, “Lemon Pepper”, and “Cartoons”. These songs are very representative of Cupcakke’s style, and would be my top recommendations to anyone interested in listening.

One of my favorite lyrics comes from “Cartoon”, where she says “I see carats like Bugs Bunny; I’m Batman robbin’ for the money.” These lyrics showcase her expertise in word play.

Cupcakke’s music is known for its strong lyrics, and in 2020, Teen Vogue praised Cupcakke for including themes such as LGBT rights, female empowerment, and autism awareness in her lyrics. Re-

cently, she even hosted an LGBT reality tv show called Hot Haus on the streaming platform OUTtv with Tiffany ‘New York’ Pollard.

A new trend with Cupcakke’s music is that her fans will add her lyrics to other songs and remix them. These remixes have gained hundreds of thousands of views on platforms such as YouTube and TikTok. After these remixes gained popularity, Cupcakke herself began promoting her music on TikTok. The Cupcakke remixes are actually why I wanted to spotlight her music. Her music may not be for everyone, but I believe that she acts as a role model for young adults.

To me, she represents being able to have fun and be free, without the constraints of society holding you back. I don’t believe older generation would understand the appeal of her music, as it is quite vulgar, but the reason her fans like her is her openness.

I think everyone should live by her words, “I’m not going to hold my tongue because society wouldn’t want me to say something.”

7

Apr. 1, 2022

“Bad Music”: An objecitvely bad playlist

Alex Ross A&E Section Editor amr1884@lockhaven.edu

We all have that one person in our lives that listens to bad music. When I say bad music, I mean horrendous music. The kind of stuff you hear and think “who in their right mind would have the mental capacity to stand listening to this once, let alone every single day?” This playlist is for that wonderful person, and if you aren’t them, then this will be your personal hell.

1. “Trapped in the Drive-Thru” by “Weird” Al Yankovic – What gives Al the right to be called “weird”? There’s nothing odd about the guy besides the fact that he is popular. I can’t sit through two minutes of this guy singing, let alone 11 minutes of complaining and wailing over being stuck in a fast-food drive thru.

pop? And in such poor taste too?

Being fat is not something to joke about.

4. “Bad” by Michael Jackson – What kind of person would steal from “Weird Al” Yankovic, the king of parody? And in such poor taste too? Being bad is not something to joke about.

5. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys – “Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?” No, no it wouldn’t, Brian Wilson. I want to stay young forever, and so does everyone else. If we were all old, our backs would hurt, and our hips would need to be replaced.

But “Wouldn’t it be nice if we had our hips replaced” doesn’t exactly have a ring to it, does it?

6. “Mr. Frump in the Iron 2. “Stairway to Heaven” by Lung” by “Weird Al” Yankovic – Led Zeppelin – A stairway to I have a friend in an iron lung, heaven?!? Come on, it’s the 21st and he thinks this is hilarious. century, have an escalator or eleNot me however, I think it is very vator. What about people in wheel- offensive to people living with an chairs? They have a right to get iron lung. My friend should be ofinto heaven (or do they?) fended, because I am!

3. “Fat” by “Weird Al” Yankovic – What kind of person would steal from Michael Jackson, the king of

A&E Did you know that?

The best movie in the world, “Freddy Got Fingered” (2001) was nominated for zero Oscars, which was considered a war crime back in 2002 by an international court.

Source: Your mom.

A&E

8

Apr. 1, 2022 Crazy Eyez’s Hot Top 10 for the week of April 1st 2022

1. My Bologna “Weird Al” Yankovic

4. Like A Surgeon “Weird Al” Yankovic

8. Amish Paradise “Weird Al” Yankovic

2. Another One Rides the Bus “Weird Al” Yankovic

5. Fat “Weird Al” Yankovic

3. I Lost on Jeopardy “Weird Al” Yankovic

6. Smells Like Nirvana “Weird Al” Yankovic

9. Pretty Fly (For A Rabbi) “Weird Al” Yankovic

7. Bedrock Anthem “Weird Al” Yankovic

10. White and Nerdy “Weird Al” Yankovic

9

Apr. 1, 2022

Lifestyles

How to become infamous on the college scene Cassandra Keller Managing Editor cmk2356@lockhaven.edu

Everyone wants to be remembered for something. Here is your quick guide to help make a name for yourself at your university in five simple steps.

Step 1- Buy sunglasses and wear them all the time.

With every big life change comes fear, but being scared will get you remembered for all the wrong things. Thus, wearing sunglasses anywhere and everywhere will hide any fear or hesitation in your eyes. The bigger and flashier the sunglasses are the better.

Step 2- Remind all your professors about the test they forgot.

You have to start small when trying to get a reputation. Simply being mindful of all tests and exams to make sure the professors keep to the letter of their syllabus. Bonus points for saying that the test questions should be more challenging next time. Your peers will thank you.

Step 3- Become the main character.

You are obviously the most important person in every situation, so you should be the topic of every conversation. Do whatever it takes to revert the conversation back to you and your life experiences. Even if you need to interrupt others and talk over them, you need to show them how impressive you are. This way no one will forget.

Step 4- Loudly arrive to everything late.

It’s called making an entrance for a reason. Whenever you arrive anywhere in a large crowd or quietly slip into the room? They

wouldn’t, so you need to show up to classes, club meetings, and any campus events halfway through it and announce your presence immediately. The party doesn’t start til you walk in anyway so they will be thrilled to see you.

Step 5- Etch your name into everything.

Leaving your name everywhere you go will help people to remember your name. Your name should be carved into every tree, lamppost, and parked cars. The property damage fines will be well worth the cost when everyone knows how to properly spell your name for all the party invites you’ll definitely get.

Lifestyles

Apr. 1, 2022

10

Horoscopes Aries. Apparently you’re a jerk, but sometimes you’re nice. You need to work on your relationships or else they’ll fall apart—by which we mean right now. Seriously. The stars have aligned and said you need to stop reading this nonsense and go outside.

Taurus. You’re a hardworker. Just kidding, you’re actually the laziest person on the planet. The only thing larger than your extreme lack of work ethic is your inability to find a reason for your meager existence. Text someone today, or don’t. It doesn’t mean anything anyway.

Gemini. Congratulations! You’ve been selected for a job opportunity and should look forward to getting a phone call today. Unless you don’t, in which case you should go sieze the opportunity for yourself instead of relying on a horoscope to make you feel better about yourself.

Cancer. You are a natural-born leader. You are so good at being a leader, in fact, that everyone in your group has left you to form their own without you.

You’ve successfully inspired others to stay as far away from you as possible.

Leo. You are surprisingly average. There’s nothing great about you, but nothing particularly awful either. People tolerate being around you and you’ll probably wind up making minimum wage at a supermarket somehwere in your local neighborhood. Don’t expect to make any significant contributions to society.

Virgo. Today is a bright, opportunistic day! You may find a particularly shiny penny on the sidewalk, or the DoorDash you ordered may hit different as you sit in your dark room and contemplate the meaning of life. Regardless of what happens, it won’t save you from your crushing self-doubt.

Libra. Keep your head held high, Libra. Though you’re the most dislikable of your birthday-having peers, there still must be something that makes you unqiue, right? You’re really good at eating McDonald’s for the fourth time this week, for instance.

Scorpio. I’ll be honest right off the bat and say there’s no hope left for you. You have no friends, you’re failing at least three of your classes, and you just found out your ex-girlfriend is with that one guy you knew you had a bad feeling about. Sorry! There’s no point in trying anymore, so put that excess energy into doing something unproductive instead, like scrolling Netflix catalogues for hours and wishing things could be different.

Sagittarius. You’re annoying. The voices in your head were right. There’s a reason you never get invited out with your friends, and why not even your own mother bothered to text you on your birthday.

If anyone in your life has to hear a single word from you their eyes will roll so far into the backs of their heads they’ll see heaven itself.

Capricorn. Don’t get out of bed, Capricorn, because today is gonna be another mentally-exhausting day.

You’ll be forced to make eye contact with someone while you’re out, and your parents will probably call you asking for more money. Life’s tough, so take the loss now and don’t even bother trying.

Aquarius. Who are you again?

Pisces. You’re not like other girls—or guys, or other. You try your hardest to make sure you don’t fit in and, in the process of doing so, have embarrassed your friends and family to the point they don’t want to be seen in public with you anymore. Trust me, no one cares about how “special” you are.

11

Apr. 1, 2022

Lifestyles

How to end a relationship Tess English Managing Editor tae7002@lockhaven.edu

Be yourself. Let’s face it, you’re no prize either. The way you dress, drive, and cook are quite frankly all appalling. You’ve been holding back your worst qualities to impress your partner. Now is the time to really let your freak flag fly. Indulge in worst habits like your harmonica playing or bragging about your Wordle win streak.

Act suspiciously. Start doing creepy things like carrying around clipboards jotting down random things at times when your partner is around. Tsk at the lack of progress subject #7 is in the experiment. Start buying suspicious things like large amounts of duct tape, gallons So you’re in the honeymoon phase and realof gasoline, and rope. Now leave those receipts ize that your significant other actually annoys around for your partner to see. Make parayou. The way they load the dishes, chew, and noid comments about how the allusive “they” fold clothes are all grating you to the core, but is out to get you. When your partner asks you you’re too much of a coward to break it off. who “they” are, just respond by saying “you Here are a few ways on how to lose a guy/gal wouldn’t get it.” in 10 days or less.

Be a communication major. Start telling your Passive aggressive comments. Start shadsoon-to-be ex that they’re not using enough ing your partner through passive comments. hand gestures, eye contact, and proper gramTell them how you appreciate how they can mar. Tell them they’re clearly not throwing the “just wear whatever” in public spaces or “wow imaginary rope and pulling in their intended you’re really eating a lot today. That’s impresaudiences whenever they talk to you. Say their sive.” exigency isn’t clearly marked. Tell them when Cease hygienic practices. Make your partner they’re using filler words and phrases like: miss your awful morning breath by having late “um,” “so,” “really,” and “do you know what I stage tooth decay breath. Besides this scenario mean?” Tell them they are going over the alcomes with the added perk of saving time on lotted time or word count when they complain showering and doing laundry. about your relationship. Brag about how you go Have a mustache. Real or fake mustaches are to the 7th floor of Robinson. traditionally bad looks. This will no doubt give Ghost them. Go out for a pack of smokes or a your partner second thoughts. Twirl it constant- gallon of milk. They’ll eventually figure out that ly to triple the cringe effect. you’re not coming back.

Opinions

Apr. 1, 2022

12

Don’t join the Eagle Eye Alex Ross A&E Editor amr1884@lockhaven.edu

As a journalist, I like to avoid drama. There’s nothing good that comes out of drama ever. If you feel the same way, then don’t bother with the Eagle Eye. This opinion piece isn’t meant to be a takedown of Eagle Eye as a whole. Rather, I am trying to cancel every single person in this club. Twitter, take some notes.

First off, there is no fan or AC in the Eagle Eye room. It becomes its own hot and fiery hell, and that’s not just because of the heat in there. With the number of devious imps and feisty demons crawling around, it sure feels like the fifth circle of hell.

Everyone there will not hold back on their wrath; if you make a minute mistake, you will get poked by pitchforks from every direction with cutthroat insults.

Never mind the true devils of the club, the managing editors. Are you familiar with the term “Big Brother?” Well, that pales in comparison with how they do business.

Cameras are planted everywhere in the office so that no angle goes unseen (it’s called the Eagle Eye for a reason). The managing editors will judge you for every muscle you move, every word you say, and every letter you type.

The office itself is an ugly mess. Papers plastered everywhere, horribly cheap Christmas lights hung up on the walls, trash litters every square inch of the floor, and we’re just talking about the computer room.

Don’t bother walking into the back rooms because if you do, you may just end up lost in the stacks upon dusty stacks of old Eagle Eye issues.

Perhaps if you are unlucky enough, a stack will fall and crush you to death (rest in peace Jimmy. You will not be forgotten).

The worst part of it all is that bothersome and worthless A&E section editor. Have you seen any of his articles by chance? Well, don’t. He lies through his teeth in every single article, even in his opinion pieces! What kind of person can’t be bothered to be honest every once in a while?

The Eagle Eye is a bottom-of-the-barrel club with absolutely no upside whatsoever. They are almost as unappealing as the radio club.

13

Apr. 1, 2022

Opinions

An obsession gone too far Kassidee Wozniak Online Editor kbw191@lockhaven.edu

Dr. McKringe has an extreme obsession with the parody legend “Weird Al” Yankovic.

He is the type of person that if you mention the celebrity’s name once, prepare yourself for Dr.McKringe’s rant explaining the biography of Yankovic. It is confirmed by the Dr.McKeague fan club that Dr.McKringe’s license plate tag is “Weird Al”, talk about obsessive?

I had the opportunity of a one question interview with Dr.McKringe and he stated that his obsession with Yankovic is credited to this specific moment “In the sixth grade when a couple of students were giving a presentation on Amish people, they played the song “Amish Paradise” and talked about this singer named “Weird Al” Yankovic, and I had to hear more.

So, I went home and demanded that my mom take me to a store, and she got me his CD Bad Hair Day”. I’m sure this is one of Dr.McKringe’s mother biggest regrets enabling her son’s obsession.

During the interview he tried to defend his odd fascination by saying “Al doesn’t rely on easy comedy targets like fart, sex, or drug jokes and he’s quite clever.

He’s meticulous in his planning process for even the silliest song, writing down a variety of joke options and writing far more lyrics than the songs call for so that he can pair them down.”

For this article, I had to summarize and shorten the tangent of him explaining how quirky he is for being “Weird Al” Yankovic’s number one fan.

Students of Social Science Seminar: Comedy in the Media are victims to Dr.McKringe’s tangents about “Weird Al” Yankovic. We suffered for two virtual lectures learning about the comedic elements included in Yankovic’s music. The 606 cult speculate that the whole motive behind Dr.McKringe creating this seminar was to somehow incorporate Yankovic into his teaching.

Weird Al Yankovic From: https://twitter.com/alyankovic/media

Sports

April 01, 2022

Top five ESPN Ocho sports Ashley Larson Staff Writer ael9097@lockhaven.edu Football is for chumps. Same with basketball. And baseball. And every other “normal” sport. The real athletes of the world compete in sports that don’t get the spotlight.

Trust me. ESPN: The “Ocho” deserved more. Here are the top five Ocho sports.

1. Dodgeball - Gym class classic. Most people didn’t excel at this because they simply didn’t care. Little did they know that if the cared, they could’ve been a professional athlete.

Shame that they missed out.

2. Acrobatic Pizza Tossing - The United States Pizza Team uses this event to “Promote Pizza Through Sportsmanship.” Unfortunately, if you worked at a pizza chain like Pizza Hut or Domino’s, you may not have the best odds for qualifying for the team, but you can try. You’re probably better off leaving Domino’s for a local pizza place or Italian restaurant if you want to get better training to qualify.

3. Marble Runs - Forming a team of marbles is hard, just like the marbles themselves. They have better endurance, though, than a human track and field athlete, though!

They’re elite athletes— maybe even more elite than Usain Bolt.

4. Cow Chip Throwing - If you have upper arm strength and can throw a frisbee, this might just be the sport for you!

It’s comparable to any sort of track and field distance throwing, but the object you’re throwing? Dried cow feces.

5. Air Guitar - Sure, everyone in the world sits in their car from time to time, jamming out to their favorite songs.

Not everyone, though, has the skills to compete for being the Air Guitar Champion. If you have a love for music, but no actual music talent, this may just be the sport for you.

14

15

April 01, 2022

Sports

New fall sport coming to LHU Joel Robinson Staff Writer jmr4508@lockhaven.edu Lock Haven University will be introducing a new sport this fall semester. The international and widely popular athletic sport known as ‘Cheese rolling’ will be available for both men’s and women’s LHU athletics.

Cheese rolling has a long and glorious tradition. The first known account of cheese rolling recorded in a writing to the Gloucester town crier in 1826. Since its founding it has been a staple for true sportsmanship, hard work and dedication.

The sport is played by taking a round block of cheese and rolling it down a hill which typically is 200 yards long. Competitors race down the hill after the cheese and try to grab it to be the winner. This sport takes grit and determination as well as balance.

The most popular cheese rolling event takes place each year in Gloucester England which features men and women competing against each other for the prize. This is the type of competition which will be coming to Lock Haven.

With this news, students from around LHU are expressing their excitement to watch this high action sport. one sophomore student said, “I think it brings a huge element of culture to our school’s athletics” An anonymous Junior at LHU said “I have never watched cheese rolling before but the concept intrigues me” Another said “Cheese! Cheese! Cheeseeeeee!” Fall semester is sure to be a great win for Lock Haven athletics.

From a personal standpoint, I have never been prouder of my school then in the moment I first heard of the announcement. As you roll into the next school year be sure to go out and support your lock haven eagles cheese rolling team!

Sports

April 01, 2022

Happy April Fool’s Day!

“The crazy eyes”

“BYEEEEEEEEEE,”- The Crazy Eyez staff

This is not a serious publication. All these articles are spoofs, parodies, or comedies and should NOT be taken seriously.

16