I Made Them Run Away / MARTINA ZANIN

I MADE THEM RUN AWAY

Martina Zanin

‘It was summer and as many children I spent my days in a summer camp.

One night I came home very excited and after having dinner with my grandmother I went upstairs, where my mother and I lived, with the intention of going to sleep.

As I entered I saw my mother and a man sitting on the couch watching television. My mother asked me how my day was and I couldn’t stop myself to show both of them what I had learned. I started dancing and singing in front of the television for about 10 minutes, until the man interrupted my performance by saying “It’s late, I’d better go.”, followed by my mother’s withering gaze towards me. Once greeted the man, my mother came back in the house yelling at me: “How could you possibly make them all run away?”.’

Martina Zanin

ROME, YEAR 2003 letter n. 1 Giulia

I want to tell you a lot of things... sweet love...

I am full of sensations that cross the brain and penetrate into the soul!

ROME, YEAR 2003 letter n. 4 Giulia

I still wish to run aimlessly, driven only by the feeling of love that hovers in my heart... I just wish I could get dragged back, as a child, by this feeling, with no questions about how or where it will start and where, how or if it will end...

ROME, YEAR 2003 letter n. 4 Giulia

I’ve learned that when you feel inside a tangle of sensations...the stomach writhes, the heart beat violently, words that cling to the throat and do not want to go out... when you feel inside that strange feeling of pleasure mixed with pain... well, of course all this is love!

ROME, YEAR 2004 letter n. 6 Giulia

Don’t believe I feel unlucky... I am aware that after all I do not live terrible situations or uncurable illnesses...but my heart and my soul are so shredded that the wind, whistling through, turns into daggers that always stick in same places!

Where are you in this life plan, which I don’t recognize?

I feel this great absence that weakens me and creates unbridgeable chasms...

ROME, YEAR 2003 letter n. 7 Giulia

I’m here huddled like a fetus…but without that feeling of security that gives the mother’s womb... and the tears fall endlessly, echoing in solitude. I’d like to tell you a lot of things, but I’m afraid you’ll disappear like a soap bubble...I love you and that scares me...in fact, it literally terrifies me!

Don’t ask me why I feel this feeling for you...I wouldn’t know how to answer!

Love is a feeling devoid of logic…I’m afraid to suffer so I often flee, get silent and pretend not to get too involved...then I realize on these nights that I would like someone who would love me sincerely and hold me tight, kissing my hair tenderly, making me feel safe!

ROME, YEAR 2004 letter n. 8 Giulia

See, you have short- and long-term projects...I don’t!

I live to the day, to the second, without expecting anything, hoping (here is the term I use the most) that along the way I can meet something or someone positive, who can keep me company...always hoping that he stays as long as possible with me or maybe for life... Without deceiving myself, knowing that maybe sooner or later it will change way!

You know, there are times like these when I remember why I had decided not to tie myself to anyone anymore...It hurts!

ROME, YEAR 2004 letter n. 9 Giulia

My love, today, every breath of wind tells me about you...of us!

Closing my eyes I imagine colorful butterfly wings popping out of my bare shoulder, to overcome now-snowy mountains and fly over the chromed shades of the sea ...finally be able to come to you and hold you tight.... as strong as ever close to my heart!

Wherever you are, just know that I love you!

Pure love, free love, sincere love....

Have a nice day

ROME, YEAR 2005 letter n. 10 Giulia

Maybe you don’t exist! I waited for you for a long time, I believed to meet you several times but in the end it was all like in the desert, a mirage and as soon as I opened my eyes disappeared!

So I resigned myself to no longer chase the dream to experience the thrill of loving and above all to be loved! Feel the strong feeling of a person who not only takes you into his world but in his heart to never let you go; the sensation of feeling safe, of not being afraid anymore!

ROME, YEAR 2005 letter n. 10 Giulia

To love a man who does not love you is: Having him close knowing you can never have him, because his heart is closed to you.

Giving the best of yourself, without thinking of receiving.

Wanting to be with him often, but without being moved by the need to alleviate one’s loneliness, because that cannot disappear if there is no true love.

Being afraid of losing him, swallowing bitter morsels of jealousy and stitching up the wounds caused by the fact that he has a life of his own.

Needing him, but without depending, because sooner or later he will leave.

Helping him for the pleasure of seeing him happy.

Being attached to him, keeping distance from his heart.

Being one with him, at the same time being yourself, because changing wouldn’t bring him closer to your feelings.

Dear Diary, After so much wandering of my heart, I still find myself here, alone, among your pages, often wetted by my tears, shed because of that man who, still after so many years, is not here!

Wrong men, disguised as perfect, have walked with soccer shoes on my heart, often causing it to bleed.

Then the anger rose to cover the pain that then, as the days went by, mounted up to tighten the soul in a vise that caused the breath to be lacking.

Just like in a virtual bottle thrown into the sea, I decided to entrust to you the letters of what my beloved is...not yet found...

Giulia

I Made Them Run Away Martina Zanin Martina Zanin for the images Martina Zanin and Giulia Maria Giardini for the texts printed in Italy Acknowledgements and thanks ***