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The Princess and the Pea

Cast List

Narrator 1 Narrator 2 The Prince Princess King Queen Guard 1 Guard 2 Servant Priscilla Servant Maxine Roy Al Tee Board of Health Director Cook Queenie 1

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Guard 2

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Queen

Servant Priscilla

Servant Maxine

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Scene 1: Setting:

A Prince In Search of a Princess A royal palace

Narrator 1:

Once upon a time,

Narrator 2:

there was a prince

Narrator 3:

who wanted to find a princess.

Prince:

So that I can marry her.

Narrator 1:

There was just one problem.

Narrator 2:

Every woman in the world wanted to marry the Prince.

Narrator 3:

His mother, the Queen, insisted that he marry a princess.

Queen:

She must be royal. Not just some riff raff!

Prince:

But I’m lonely, Ma. I’m almost 40 and I’ve never had a date. It’s just me and my teddy bear, Chewbacca.

King:

Your mother is right. You must marry a princess. No ordinary girl will do.

Narrator 1:

Hundreds of women presented themselves as princesses

Narrator 2:

when they were not.

Sophia:

Hi, My name’s Sophia. I’m from Billings, Montana. And I’m a princess!

Harper:

Step aside. My name is Harper. I’m from Hoboken, New Jersey. And I’m a princess!

Leah:

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m from Morris Park in the Bronx. My name is Leah.

Palace Guard 1:

Let me guess. You are a princess!

Leah:

Yes, how did you know?

Palace Guard 2:

Should we let these ladies in, your majesty? They say that they are princesses.

Queen:

Absolutely not. None of these girls are real princesses.

Sophia, Harper and Leah:

How can you tell?

Queen:

Because I was once a princess.

King:

It takes one to know one.

Prince:

But what if I never find a real princess?

Queen:

Be patient, son. One day your princess will come. 3

King:

A REAL princess.

Queen:

Accept no substitutes!

Prince:

At this rate, I’ll never get married. (He runs off crying)

Sophia:

Why can’t he just marry a normal girl?

Harper:

Yeah, why does she have to be a princess?

Leah:

Yeah, why aren’t we good enough?

Sophia:

Yeah!

Harper:

Yeah!

Leah:

Yeah!

Harper, Sophia and Leah:

Yeah!

King:

Because there is tradition. And the tradition says that royalty must marry royalty. Riff-raff just aren’t good enough.

Queen:

Be gone, Harper, Leah and Sophia!

Harper, Sophia and Leah:

No fair!

Prince:

(from background, crying): I’m so lonely!

Scene 2:

A Damsel in Distress

Setting:

Outside the Royal Palace on a stormy night

Narrator 1:

One night,

Narrator 2:

One dark and stormy night,

Prince:

One dark, stormy and extremely scary night,

Narrator 3:

when the rain clanged against the windows,

Narrator 1:

and lightning lit up the sky

Prince:

and I was hugging my stuffed bear, Chewbacca

Narrator 2:

there was a knock at the palace gates

Palace Guards:

Who is it?

Princess:

Let me in! It’s pouring! I’m getting soaked to the skin.

Palace Guard 1:

Identify yourself!

Palace Guard 2:

This is a castle. We can’t let in just anyone!

Palace Guard 1:

And speak clearly because this intercom isn’t working very well.

Princess:

Are you kidding me? It’s pouring incessantly. I am royally soaked.

Narrator 3:

But because the intercom wasn’t working well, 5

Narrator 1:

And the rain made it even harder to hear

Narrator 2:

When the girl said…

Princess:

“Are you kidding me?”

Narrator 3:

The Palace Guards heard

Princess:

“The King is kin with me.”

Narrator 1:

And when she said

Princess:

“It’s pouring incessantly.”

Narrator 2:

it sounded like she said

Princess:

“It’s Princess Cecily.”

Narrator 3:

and when she said.

Princess:

“I’m royally soaked.”

Narrator 1:

it sounded like she said

Princess:

“I’m royalty, folks!”

Narrator 2:

The Palace guards buzzed her right in.

Palace Guard 1:

Of course, we let her into the palace. She’s royalty!

Palace Guard 2:

That’s right! She’s royalty, folks!

Preparing a Test

Inside the Palace, late at night Palace Guard 1:

Your majesties, Princess Cecily has just arrived at the palace gates.

King:

Princess Cecily?

Queen:

Never heard of her.

Palace Guard 2:

She is kin with you, your majesty.

King:

She is my kin?

Palace Guard 1:

Yes! She is royalty, folks.

Queen:

I will be the judge of that. (The Prince runs into the room with his teddy bear)

Prince:

Did someone say that a princess just arrived?

Queen:

Play it cool, son. We must be certain that she is a 100% authentic princess. SERVANTS! (Two servants enter.)

Servant Priscilla and Servant Maxine:

Yes, your majesty?

Queen:

We have a guest staying here overnight. I should like you to prepare the guest room for her.

Servant Maxine:

You got it, Queen!

Queen:

Not so fast! I did not yet tell you HOW I want it prepared. First, go to the kitchen and get a single green pea.

Priscilla:

Yes, madam.

Queen:

Then, take that green pea and place it between the mattress and the bed.

Maxine:

What, on purpose?

Queen:

Yes, on purpose!

Priscilla:

But your majesty, thatâ€™s unhygienic.

Maxine :

I mean food in a bedroom?

Priscilla:

Food in a bed?

Maxine:

This is supposed to be a palace.

Priscilla:

We spend all our lives making sure your bedrooms are perfectly clean.

Maxine:

And now you want us to make them dirty?

Queen:

Insolence! Now, listen and learn. That is not all I want you to do.

Priscilla and Maxine:

There’s more?

Queen:

I want you to take 100 mattresses.

Priscilla:

We don’t even have 100 mattresses.

Queen:

Then, call 1 800 MATTRESS.They deliver! Order 100 mattresses and pile each mattress on top of the other so that they create a tower of mattresses reaching up to the sky.

Maxine:

There’s no way we’ll have enough room for that.

Priscilla:

The mattresses will hit the ceiling!

Queen:

Insolence! Then remove the roof and pile 100 mattresses one on top of the other. Just do it! Do it!

Priscilla and Maxine:

Is that all?

Queen:

Yes and do it lickety split. Be gone! (The servants leave.)

Queen:

Come back!

Priscilla and Maxine:

Yes, Queen?

Queen:

What are you waiting for? Send the girl in. 9

Narrator 1:

The young lady entered the throne room.

Narrator 2:

She curtsied before the king and queen.

King:

Good evening, Princess.

Queen:

How nice to meet you, Princess.

Princess:

Good evening, your highnesses. I was caught in a thunderstorm and when I saw the lights of your castle, wellâ€Ś I came straight here.

Prince:

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Prince Charming.

Princess:

Nice to meet you. You can call me Princess. (The Queen and Princess exit.)

Prince:

All the girls want to marry me. All of them! But I am looking for true love with a REAL princess.

Princess:

Uh-huh.

Queen:

My poor child! You look quite pale! We shall put you to bed at once.

Princess:

In truth, I am quite tired.

King:

But before you go, please tell us: who is your father?

Princess: 10

He is Roy Al Tee. He lives in the next kingdom over.

King:

Royalty, you say?

Princess:

Yes. Roy Al Tee. In the next kingdom over? If youâ€™ll excuse me, I should like to lie down.

Queen:

Of course, right this way. (The Queen and Princess exit.)

King:

(to the Prince) She plays it close to the chest. Did you notice how she declined to give the name of her father?

Prince:

And did you notice how she did not faint the moment she met me? Only a REAL princess would play it so cool. (The Queen returns.)

Queen:

Well, I have placed her on 100 mattresses with a tiny pea at the bottom.

King:

Tell us: what is the meaning of your strange plan?

Queen:

If she is a REAL princess, then she is VERY delicate and sensitive. She will feel the tiny green pea even if it is underneath 100 mattresses. And then we will know for sure if we are dealing with a true princess.

Prince:

(cuddling his teddy bear) Oh, Chewbacca, my stuffed toy and best friend! Letâ€™s hope that my princess has finally come! 11

Scene 5:

A Tower of Mattresses

Setting:

A Guest Bedroom in the Palace, even later that night

Narrator 1:

Meanwhile in Princessâ€™ bedroom,

Narrator 2:

the tired young girl was not happy.

Princess:

This is just great. First, I get stuck in a thunderstorm, and now I have to climb 100 mattresses just to get to my bed. Could this day get any worse? Got to text my dad to pick me up tomorrow first thing.

Scene 6:

The Truth Comes Out

Setting:

The Palace Dining Room, the next morning

Narrator 1:

The next day, the royal family was having breakfast when the young visitor entered the dining room.

Narrator 2:

She was very drowsy.

Queen:

Have some orange juice, my dear.

Prince:

In case you forgot, I am Prince Charming.

Princess:

And I am Princess. Ouch! I have a terrible headache.

King:

A headache? Whatever for?

Queen:

Didn’t you sleep well?

Princess:

As a matter of fact, I did not sleep well at all. First of all, sleeping on top of 100 mattresses is kind of scary. You never know if you’re going to roll over and fall 100 feet to your doom. Secondly, there was this weird little bump in the mattress. I kept getting bumped by it. I tossed and turned all night. And that’s really scary when you’re a mile above ground!

Queen:

She is real! She is real!

Princess:

What? Of course I’m real.

King:

Welcome to the family, my dear!

Princess:

Welcome to the what?

Prince:

Will you marry me?

Princess:

No, I will not marry you. First of all, we only just met. And second of all, you’re a grown man with a teddy bear. Pass the pancakes, please.

Narrator 2: Palace Guard 1:

Just then a guard entered the dining hall. Your majesties, may I present Roy Al tee? (A humbly-dressed man enters the room. He hugs Princess.)

Princess:

Dad! You found me!

Roy:

After your rough night in the storm, I figured I’d pick you up sooner than later.

Princess:

Good idea, Dad! Let’s get out of here!

King:

Wait! This man is your father, Princess?

Princess:

He sure is.

Queen:

No offense, but you don’t look like royalty.

Roy:

Well, I can assure you, ma’am, that I am Roy Al Tee. Have been since the day I was born.

King:

You don’t dress like royalty!

Roy:

Well, since I am Roy Al Tee, I reckon I’m the best judge of how Roy Al Tee should dress.

Queen:

You don’t speak like royalty.

Roy:

What in tarnation do you mean, ma’am? This here is how Roy Al Tee speaks.

Prince:

Sir, you forget yourself. Just because you are royalty does not mean that we are not royalty, too.

Roy:

You’re Roy Al Tee? All three of you? Even the Queen?!

Queen:

Especially the Queen! This man is insolent! Insolent!

King:

And how do we know that you are truly royalty? Prove it.

Roy:

I’d be happy to. (he takes out his driver’s license and hands it to them). That there’s my driver’s license. You can see it as clear as day. The name’s Roy Al Tee.

King:

Wait! Your name is Roy Al Tee!

Prince:

Do you mean to say that your first name is Roy?

Queen:

And your middle name is Al?

King:

And your last name is Tee?

Roy:

You got it. Put it together and I’m

ALL:

Roy Al Tee

King:

And you are just a humble tradesman?

Queen:

With no superior connections? 15

Prince:

No royal blood at all?

Roy:

Now you got the picture. Now come on, Princess, let’s get you home. It sounds like you had a rough night—what with that scary bed and that weird uncomfortable thing at the bottom of the mattress. Your Mom and I can fix you up a breakfast that’s a lot tastier than the grub they are serving here.

Cook (enters):

Insolence!

Queen:

Not so fast. You and your daughter are going nowhere. Your daughter is being sent to the dungeon.

King:

And I have a good mind to send you there along with her, Roy! (The guards, Princess and Roy all gasp)

Princess:

But why, Queen? Why?

King:

You pretended to be a princess. You even made us call you that.

Princess:

Of course I did! It’s my name! Look at my driver’s license. (She shows her driver’s license.)

Prince:

Again with the driver’s license!

Queen:

Do you mean to say that your first name is Princess?

King:

And your last name is Tee?

Prince:

She’s just a girl named Princess. She’s not a real princess at all.

Roy:

Watch it, son! She’s a real princess to me!

Servant Maxine:

Wait a minute, your highness. You said that only a real princess could feel the pea underneath 100 mattresses.

Queen:

Correct!

Servant Priscilla:

But this girl felt the pea under 100 mattresses. If she felt the pea…

King:

Then she must be a real Princess!

Prince:

Will you marry me, Princess?

Princess:

Um, no. First of all, I’m not marrying a man with a teddy bear. Second of all, I like it better at my home. At home, I sleep in a cozy bed that I can get into without having to climb more than 100 feet!

Queen:

What I don’t understand is that if you didn’t want to marry into this family, why did you claim to be a princess? Why did you try to trick us into thinking you were a real princess? 17

Princess:

I never tried to trick anyone.

Queen:

Guards, what did this girl say to you when she arrived at the palace gates?

Guard 1:

Well the intercom was sort of fuzzy…

Guard 2:

It was kind of hard to determine…

Princess:

I said. “Let me in! It’s pouring incessantly.”

Guard 1:

And we heard:

Guard 2:

“Let me in! It’s Princess Cecily.”

Princess:

Then, I said. “I’m royally soaked!”

Guard 1:

And we thought she said,

Guard 2:

“I’m royalty, folks!”

Guard 1:

We sure are sorry about that.

Queen:

Why are you still standing here?

Guard 1:

Your majesties, there is someone here to see you.

King:

Who is it now?

Guard 2:

He is from the Board of Health. (The Director of the Board of Health enters.)

Director of Board of Health:

Your majesties, I am here to follow up on a tip that the conditions in this palace are not hygienic. That means that they are not clean.

Queen:

Insolence! Of course our palace is clean.

King:

And of course, we know what the word hygienic means!

King, Queen, Prince:

We are royalty!

Prince:

Our servants, Priscilla and Maxine, clean it top to bottom each and every day.

Maxine:

But yesterday, you told me to put food in one of the beds.

Priscilla:

We protested.

Maxine :

We warned you that food in between

Priscilla:

but you insisted, your highness!

Director of Board of Health:

Food does not belong in a bedroom. And it certainly does not belong in a bed! King, did you know that this was going on?

King:

I did, but it was part of the Queenâ€™s plan to find out if this girl was a true princess.

mattresses is unhygienicâ€Ś.

Couldn’t you have just asked for her birth certificate? Well, I guess that I didn’t really think it through… I see. Prince, did you know that your mother was instructing the servants to put food in the bed? It was just one pea! I’ll take that as a “yes.” Suddenly the palace cook entered. (The Cook enters.) Forgive me, your majesties. I had to do it! I had to call the Board of Health. Cook, you reported us to the authorities? I thought we were the authorities! I love food far too much to see it placed between mattresses. Your majesties, you have another visitor. Who is it now?

King:

Tell them we’re not at home.

Palace Guard 2:

It’s a salesman from 1 800 MATTRESS.

Mattress Salesman:

Your majesties, I am here about a bill. Yesterday, you ordered 100 mattresses. My company delivered them, but we have not yet received payment.

Director of Board of Health:

You ordered 100 mattresses? Whatever for?

Maxine:

She made the girl sleep on top of 100 mattresses.

Princess:

I was afraid for my life!

Priscilla:

And she made us put a pea at the bottom of the mattress.

Maxine:

To check if the girl could feel the pea.

Mattress Salesman:

That is both unhygienic and very dangerous!

Director of Board of Health:

I’m afraid that there are multiple offenses here. Prince, King and Queen, I’m placing you all under arrest for violations of the health code. We’ll be taking you all down to the dungeon.

Prince:

Can I bring my teddy bear, Chewbacca? 21

Director of Board of Health:

As for the rest of you, you’ll have to leave the premises. This palace is closed until further notice.

Roy Al Tee:

C’mon sweetheart, let’s get a move on home.

Maxine:

(to the Director) You mean, we all have to leave here?

Priscilla:

None of us can stay?

Cook:

Not even the cook?

Director of Board of Health:

Unless you’re royalty or a prince or princess, you’ve got no right to be here.

Princess:

Hey, wait a minute. My Dad’s Roy Al Tee.

Roy:

And this here is Princess.

Director of Board of Health:

Well, then you’re more than welcome to stay. After all, you’re royalty, but you’ll have to get the intercom fixed, remove the pea from underneath the 100 mattresses and pay the 1800 MATTRESS man.

Princess:

We can do that! First of all, mattress man, you can take back all those mattresses. We don’t need ’em.

Mattress Salesman:

Great! Just great! This day just gets better and better.

Princess:

And while you’re at it, please remove the green pea!

Mattress Salesman:

Sure. I live to serve.

Princess:

Dad, you know how to fix the intercom, don’t you?

Roy:

Sure do, Princess. But wait a second, I thought you wanted to go home since home is where the heart is.

Princess:

I do, but if we bring all the family here then this place will be home. And, you know, it is a palace, after all….

Narrator 1:

And so it was that for the rest of their lives, Princess and her father

Roy:

and my wife---

Queenie:

My name’s Queenie. Hi, y’all!

Princess:

and my brothers, Duke and Nobili Tee.

Narrator 2:

lived happily ever after in the castle.

Roy:

I reckon we fit in here just fine!

Narrator 2:

Meanwhile the Prince, King and Queen lived in the dungeon 23

Prince:

without my teddy bear Chewbacca. WAAAA!

King:

Would it have been so terrible to let our son marry an ordinary girl?

Queen:

Yes!

Prince:

It’s almost like you haven’t learned your lesson, Mom.

Queen:

Don’t call me “Mom”! Call me “Queen”!

Narrators 1 and 2:

THE END.