Cast List Narrator Casper, a kid spy Alexia, a kid spy Mrs. Hepworth, teacher India, a new girl Encyclopedia Hahchooni Coughalot Snoozana Tishoe Bathroom Breke Attensha
Chatsworth Chitterchatter Gymnastia Neversit PencilSharpener Mrs. Tired Loud Speaker Officer Smart Officer Stern Police Commissioner Jones Principal Beetrot Waiter Bonnie Clyde King of Barbadia Queen of Barbadia
Scene 1:
A New Day, A New Adventure
Setting:
The home of twins Casper and Alexia in New York City
Narrator:
It’s bright and early on Monday morning at Casper and Alexia’s house.
Casper:
Get up, sis.
Alexia:
Is it really 7am?
Casper:
Time to go to school.
Alexia:
I know, I know.
Casper
But first we better check in with the Commissioner.
Narrator:
Commissioner Jones:
Even though Casper and Alexia were only in the 5th grade, they were spies for the New York City police force. They used their Apple Smart Watch to contact the Commissioner. Good morning, Casper! Good morning, Alexia.
Alexia:
Good morning, Commish!
Casper:
What’s shaking?
Commissioner:
A massive diamond has been stolen overnight from the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Alexia:
That’s terrible! 4
Casper: Commissioner:
How can we help? Well, first things first. Go to school. Work hard. And then as soon as school is done, check in with me. I’ll need you to help me solve the case.
Alexia:
You got it, Commish!
Casper:
Over and out!
Narrator:
Just then the school bus beeped twice. Casper and Alexia boarded it to school.
Scene 2 Setting:
A classroom. Students are sitting behind their desks.
Mrs Hepworth:
Good morning, class. I hope everyone had a lovely weekend.
Students:
Yes, Mrs Hepworth.
Bathroom Breke:
Gotta go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Already? We’ve just started class.
Bathroom Breke:
Gotta go.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Be sure to sign out, BB.
Bathroom Breke:
Gotta go. Gotta go.
Mrs. Hepworth
As I was saying, class--5
Bathroom Breke:
‘Scuse me.
Mrs. Hepworth:
What is it now, Bathroom Breke?
Bathroom Breke:
Where do I sign out?
Mrs. Hepworth:
In the notebook by the door. Now, as I was saying…
Bathroom Breke:
First and last name? Or just first name? Or just initials?
Mrs. Hepworth:
First and last name, Bathroom Breke. Now, as I was saying---
Bathroom Breke:
‘Scuse me.
Mrs. Hepworth:
What is it now?
Bathroom Breke:
What’s the time?
Mrs. Hepworth:
Look at the clock, BB.
Bathroom Breke:
Oh right. It’s right in front of me. My bad.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Now, as I was saying…
Bathroom Breke:
Teach? I mean, Mrs Hepworth?
Mrs Hepworth:
Oh Bathroom Breke, will you please just go to the bathroom already?
Bathroom Breke:
I just want to say that I value your instructional powers. 6
And I cherish every moment in your class. And I intend to make this bathroom break as short as possible. Mrs. Hepworth:
I appreciate that.
Bathroom Breke:
Miss you already!
(Bathroom Breke leaves.) Mrs Hepworth:
Now, before we begin our work on fractions, I want to go over a few (HACHOONI SNEEZES) of our (COUGHALOT COUGHS) ground rules. Hahchooni and Coughalot?
Hahchooni:(sneezes)
Aaaaachoo! Yes, Mrs Hepworth?
Coughalot (coughs a lot) Mrs Hepworth:
Yes, Mrs Hepworth?
You both know how much I treasure you. However, I do not treasure your germs. Please, for the love of Dunkin Donuts, cover your cough and cover your sneeze!
Hahchooni: (sneezes) Aaaachoo! Yes, Mrs. Hepworth. Coughalot: (coughs a lot)
Yes, Mrs. Hepworth.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Now, moving right along. Tishoe! Where are you going Tishoe?
Tishoe:
I am going to get a tissue, Mrs Hepworth.
Mrs Hepworth:
But that’s just it, Tishoe. You are always 7
going to get a tissue. Tishoe:
Mrs. Hepworth: Tishoe: Mrs. Hepworth:
I just got the tissue. Now I’m blowing my nose by the garbage can. Like my pediatrician instructed. And now go back to your desk. Like I instructed. Yes, Mrs. Hepworth. But now you’re up again, Tishoe. Where are you going now?
Tishoe: Mrs. Hepworth:
Tishoe: Mrs. Hepworth:
To get a tissue. But that’s just it, Tishoe! You are constantly going to get a tissue. No sooner have you gotten a tissue and sat down, than you are up again to get another tissue. Do you want a tissue, Mrs. Hepworth? I certainly don’t want a tissue, Tishoe. What I want is for you to sit down!
Hahchooni:
I’ll take a tissue, Tishoe.
Tishoe:
OK.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Where are you going, Tishoe?
Tishoe:
To get a tissue for Hahchooni.
(Principal Beetrot enters.) 8
Mrs. Hepworth:
Tishoe! Sit down! You may not get a tissue. Not for yourself or anyone else.
Principal:
What, may I ask, is going on here?
Tishoe:
Mrs. Hepworth is angry because I tried to get a tissue.
Principal: (gasps)
Mrs. Hepworth, is this true?
Hahchooni:
Achoo! It is all my fault, Principal Beetrot. Achoo! Tishoe was getting it for me because--Achoo--- I am sneezing. Achoo. She was trying to be nice.
Tishoe (sadly):
Mrs Hepworth just didn’t understand.
Principal:
By all means, Tishoe should get you a tissue, Hachooni. Mrs. Hepworth, you know our school’s policy on tissues. They are a basic human right. We shall speak about this later.
(Principal Beetrot leaves. Mrs. Hepworth sighs). Chatsworth: (to Chitterchatter) chit, chat, chit, chat, chit, chat NOODLES, chit, chat chit, chat, chit, chat ZAYN MALIK, chit, chat, chit, chat, Mrs. Hepworth: Chitterchatter: (to Chatsworth)
Mrs. Hepworth:
Chatsworth! Stop talking! chit, chat, chit chat chit,chat I KNOW, chit chat chit chat HOVERBOARD chit chat chit chat ALEX and ANI bracelet Chitterchatter! Chatsworth! 9
Chitterchatter: (annoyed) Chatsworth (really annoyed)
What? You made us lose track of our conversation.
Mrs. Hepworth:
That is just my point. You should not be having a conversation because class has just begun. A point that Snoozana also seems to be missing because he is fast asleep. Please wake him.
Chitterchatter:
Snoozana! Snoozana!
Chatsworth:
Time to rise and shine, dude!
Snoozana:
Who? What? Where?
Mrs. Hepworth:
Who? It is I, Mrs Hepworth, your teacher. What? I am trying to teach you. Where? At your school. I believe that brings you up to speed, Snoozana.
Snoozana:
OK, thanks for the 411. I’ll just get back to sleep.
Mrs. Hepworth:
No, you will not, Snoozana. You will stay awake just like Attensha and Encyclopedia always do.
Encyclopedia:
Did you know that kids our age need 10 to 11 hours of sleep? I’m guessing you got, like 6 maximum?
Snoozana:
Sounds about right. I was gaming all night. That’s why I’ve got to catch up on all my zzzzs here.
10
Attensha:
No, what you need to do, Snoozana, is pay attention to our teacher.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Thank you, Attensha.
Attensha:
You’re welcome, Mrs. Hepworth. Best teacher in the world. Facts only!
Mrs. Hepworth:
Oh Attensha, you’re making me blush.
Encyclopedia:
Factually speaking, we have no way of knowing whether Mrs. Hepworth is in fact the best teacher in the world. No studies exist that would allow us to make that determination.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Thank you, Encyclopedia. On another note, we have a new student today. A delightful girl named India.
India:
Hello.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Perhaps you’d like to tell the class a bit about yourself.
India:
Sure thing. First of all, don’t fall in love with me or anything because I don’t expect to be at this school for long.I mean, yesterday I was in school in Manhattan and then last night my parents were like, “we’ve got to move! Stat!” So here I am today. But pretty soon, we’re going to be really rich and we’re going to need to leave the country in a rush so I don’t think I’ll be here much longer 11
than a week. By next Monday, I’ll probably be on an island in the Caribbean enjoying the sun. Mrs. Hepworth:
Wow, that is a lot of information.
Casper (to Alexia):
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Alexia (to Casper):
Yeah, let’s sit next to her at lunch. I could use a friend in the Caribbean!
Casper (to Alexia):
That’s not what I meant! Think about it. Isn’t it curious? Her family is rich overnight?
Alexia:
the same night that the diamond disappears?
Casper:
And they have to leave Manhattan stat?
Alexia:
And Manhattan is where the diamond was stolen?
Casper:
And soon they’ll have to leave the country!
Alexia:
because they totally s tole the diamond.
Casper:
I can’t wait to tell the Commish!
Alexia:
We solved the case of the century during homeroom!
Mrs. Hepworth:
Alexia! Casper! Stop chatting! You’re as bad as Chatsworth and Chitterchatter. Neversit, stop leaning on the back of your chair!
12
Neversit:
What? I’m balancing just fine. See? I can go way, way back like this. That’s how I know that I am cool.
Mrs. Hepworth:
That is not the point, Neversit. Chairs are supposed to have all four legs on the floor. They are not supposed to rear up on their hind legs like a wild and angry horse.
Neversit: (leaning back)
You mean like this?
Mrs. Hepworth:
Stop that at once! Suppose you lost your balance!
Neversit:
Impossible. I’ve got crazy good balance. I got it under control and….AAAAGH! AAAAAGH!
Narrator:
The ambulance took Neversit away two hours later.
Neversit:
Why didn’t you tell me not to sit like that?
Principal:
Yes, Mrs Hepworth! Why didn’t you tell Neversit not to sit like that? If you spent less time micromanaging the kleenex tissues and more time attending to your students, this tragedy would never have occurred.
Narrator:
The students and class returned to the room and began class again.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Now as I was saying, we are about to begin class. Gymnastia, what are you doing? 13
Gymnastia:
What? I’m not doing anything.
Mrs. Hepworth:
You are doing a backbend in the middle of my lesson. And now you are attempting a no-handed cartwheel!
Gymnastia:
Well, now that Neversit is gone, I’m using the free space made available by his empty desk to practice my skills.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Stop that this instant!
Gymnastia:
Don’t you care that I want to go to the Olympics some day?
(Principal Beetrot enters.) Mrs. Hepworth:
No, I do not! I do not care about your Olympic dreams at all!
Principal:
Oh, Mrs Hepworth! You don’t care that one of your pupils has Olympic ambitions? I am disappointed! We will discuss this later in my office!
(Principal Beetrot leaves. Mrs Hepworth sighs. ) Narrator:
Finally, it was lunchtime. The students went down to the cafeteria where Principal Beetrot supervised the students. Suddenly Snoozana’s mother appeared. She looked flustered and frazzled. 14
Snoozana’s Mom:
Hi Principal Beetrot.
Principal:
Good afternoon, Mrs.Tired.Why are you here so early? School does not let out for two more hours.
Snoozana’s Mom:
I just have to see Snoozana for a moment. It’s urgent.
Principal:
Certainly, Mrs. Tired. I am afraid you will find him fast asleep, face down over his lunch.
Mrs. Tired:
Snoozana, wake up! Wake up!
Narrator:
While Snoozana’s Mom tried to wake up Snoozana, Alexia and Casper tried to get to know India better.
Casper:
So why did your family have to leave Manhattan so suddenly?
India: (shrugs)
Search me!
Alexia:
And why is your family going to be like so rich over night?
India:
I didn’t say “over night.” I said “next week.”
Casper:
It’s still not a lot of time for such a big change.
India (shrugs):
Whatever. Oooh! Do you hear that? They’ve got the radio on in the lunchroom kitchen. It’s my favorite song 15
(The sounds of the chorus of Rihanna’s DIAMONDS are heard. India gets up to dance and sing along)
hine bright like a diamond S Shine bright like a diamond Shining bright like a diamond We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky
India:
Casper (to Alexia):
OMG, she totally did it!
Alexia: (to India)
But how can we prove it?
India: (sitting back down)
I love that song. It’s like my theme song.
Alexia:
So you must REALLY like diamonds?
India (shrugs):
I guess.
Casper:
And where were you last night around midnight?
India:
Duh. I was asleep. Cause it was midnight and I am like 10.
Alexia:
Just because someone is 10 does not mean that you are asleep at midnight. Just look at Snoozana.
Narrator:
They all looked at Snoozana who was searching his backpack for something.
Snoozana’s Mom:
Where is it? You have to find it!
Snoozana:
I don’t know. I put it in here and now I can’t find it.
16
Snoozana’s Mom:
Could it have rolled out? Did you zip the pockets of your backpack?
Casper:
Can I help, Snoozy Snooz? Sounds like you lost something?
Snoozana’s Mom:
It’s just his bus pass.
Casper:
I’m great at searching through bags. Sometimes all you need is a fresh set of eyes. Do you want me to help you look?
Snoozana:
NO! I mean, thanks, dude. But NO! I lost a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in there last week---plus a piece of fruit and a boiled egg. They’re all just floating around inside my backpack.They’re not even in ziploc bags in there. If you reach in there, you’re going to get your hands all sticky from moldy peanut butter, and gooey half-eaten fruit and a gross old egg. And who knows what else your hands might find in there. I couldn’t do that to you, bro.
Casper:
Appreciate that, Snooze. Friends for life?
Snoozana:
You got it.
Narrator:
Casper rejoined his sister at the lunch table.
Alexia:
That was kind of weird how Snoozana didn’t want you to go through his stuff.
17
Casper:
He said there was some old food just floating around in his bag. He didn’t want me to deal with that. That makes him a true friend.
Alexia:
And yet, did you hear his mom ask him if something could have rolled out of his backpack? When’s the last time you heard of a bus pass rolling out of anything?
Casper:
I hear what you’re saying. But just seconds ago we were sure India and her folks stole the diamond. Now we’re sure that Snoozana s tole it. It isn’t very likely that anyone at this school had anything to do with the missing diamond.
Alexia: (sighs)
You’re right. Let’s check in with the Commish. (dials in on her Smartwatch)
Casper Commissioner:
Alexia: Commissioner:
Commish, any more intel on the missing diamond? Hi guys. Yes---we have now established that the diamond that was stolen is roughly the shape and size of a pear. A pear-shaped diamond. Got it. Listen closely. Not just the shape of a pear, but also the size of a pear.
Casper:
Got it. We’re looking for a diamond the size and the shape of a pear.
Alexia:
That’s one big diamond. 18
Commissioner:
You’ve got that right. It’s worth three hundred million dollars.
Casper:
Woah!
Commissioner:
We have also ascertained that a member of the cleaning service is the culprit. We just don’t know their name and we didn’t get a good look at his or her face.
Alexia:
What is the name of the cleaning service?
Commissioner:
Apex Office Cleaning Services based out of Morris Park in the Bronx.
Casper:
That’s near our school!
Commissioner:
Well, just remember: school comes first. So do your school work and then focus on solving the mystery after school. Yes, this diamond is worth 300 million dollars, but an education is truly priceless.
Alexia:
Okay, Commissioner. I just hope that the thief won’t disappear while we’re in Math class.
Commissioner:
I mean it kids. Be cool. Stay in school. Cause if you snooze, you’re gonna lose. Education is the most important station. So stay in school, don’t take a vacation.
Casper:
Thanks for those fly rhymes. Over and out.
Alexia:
Hey, Mrs Tired. My uncle was thinking of applying for a cleaning job. Can I ask what company you work for? 19
Mrs Tired:
Sure, honey. Apex Office Cleaning Services.
(Sound effects: dun, dun, dun, DUHHHH) Casper:
Did you hear that?
Alexia:
Of course I heard that. I’m the one who asked her the question.
Casper:
You know what this means, right?
Alexia:
Yeah. Mrs Tired stole the diamond and it’s in Snoozana’s backpack. And you know what that means, right?
Casper:
Yes, It means I’m going in….to where no boy has gone before. I’m going into Snoozana’s gigantic, stuffed backpack. But when? And how? How can I break into Snoozy Snooz’s backpack without him noticing it?
Alexia:
That’s as easy as pie. He’s always asleep. Look! He’s falling asleep right now!
Mrs. Tired:
Snoozana, wake up!
Snoozana:
Who? What? Where?
Mrs. Tired:
Who? I’m your Mom. What? I’m trying to find something important. Where? In YOUR BACKPACK!
Snoozana:
Thanks for the 411. Now, I can catch some zzzz’s. 20
Mrs Tired:
No, you cannot catch some zzzz’s! You have to help me find it!
Principal:
Mrs. Tired, the students have to go back to class. Their studies are very important. And nothing can interrupt them.
Mrs. Tired:
Thank you, Principal Beetrot. (sighs) Snoozana---this is very important. Oh what will I do? (she leaves)
Mrs. Hepworth:
Now as I was saying----
Bathroom Breke:
I’m back.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Back from where?
Bathroom Breke:
Back from my bathroom break.
Mrs. Hepworth:
But you went to the bathroom before lunch.
Attensha:
That was two hours ago, Bathroom Breke.
Bathroom Breke:
Thanks for reminding me. Gotta go, gotta go.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Gotta go where?
Bathroom:
To the bathroom!
Attensha:
Again?
21
Bathroom Breke:
What are you complaining about? You said it yourself. The last time I took a bathroom break was 2 hours ago. I’m due for another trip.
Mrs. Hepworth:
But you just came back f rom the bathroom! And you were there all morning long!
Bathroom Breke:
It’s an emergency.
Mrs. Hepworth:
BB, this is outrageous. You’ve been in the bathroom for two hours.
Bathroom Breke:
Please Mrs. Hepworth. It’s an emergency. Unless you want a cleanup on aisle 9, I gotta go. And I gotta now.
Mrs. Hepworth (sighs):
Be sure to sign out.
Bathroom Breke:
You got it.
Mrs. Hepworth:
As I was saying---
Bathroom Breke:
‘Scuse me.
Mrs. Hepworth:
What is it, Bathroom Breke?
Bathroom Breke:
I can’t sign out.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Of course you can sign out. You did it this morning.
Bathroom Breke:
No, I mean, I know how to sign out, but I can’t sign out because I never signed back in.
22
Attensha:
That’s because you never came back from your bathroom break, Bathroom Breke!
Bathroom Breke:
Yeah but I’m back now.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Yes, but you’re already leaving.
Bathroom Breke:
Gotta go, gotta go. What do I do?
Mrs. Hepworth:
Sign yourself back in. And then sign yourself out.
Bathroom Breke:
You got it.
Mrs. Hepworth:
As I was saying---
Bathroom Breke:
‘Scuse me.
Mrs. Hepworth:
What is it now, Bathroom Breke?
Bathroom Breke:
Do I sign first name and last name or just first name? Or just initials?
Mrs. Hepworth:
First and last name. I believe I answered this question for you this morning.
Bathroom Breke:
Yeah, but that was so long ago I forgot.
Mrs. Hepworth:
As I was saying---
Bathroom Breke:
‘Scuse me?
Mrs. Hepworth:
Yes, BB? 23
Bathroom Breke:
What time is it?
Mrs. Hepworth:
The clock is right in front of your face.
Bathroom Breke:
Oh, yeah. My bad.
Mrs. Hepworth:
To continue what we were trying to do this morning---
(BetterLateThanNever enters) Better Late Than Never:
Sorry I’m late.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Have I seen you before? I don’t recognize you.
BetterLate Than Never:
I’m your student. BetterLate ThanNever.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Do you have a reason for arriving at school after lunch?
BetterLate ThanNever:
I missed lunch!? No fair!
Mrs. Hepworth:
School starts promptly at 8:20am. And you stroll in at 1pm! Unacceptable.
Attensha:
Mrs. Hepworth is right. Why should the rest of us have to be at school for 5 more hours than you? You are missing out on Mrs. Hepworth’s great instruction.
Encyclopedia:
Factually speaking, your brain is not growing at the same rate as the rest of us because you are not accessing an education that is available to you and that people all over the world are fighting hard to give to their children. 24
BetterLate ThanNever:
Mrs. Hepworth:
I agree. It is totally unacceptable that I missed lunch. How am I going to concentrate without a decent meal in my stomach? That is not the point, Better Late!
(Principal Beetrot enters.) Mrs. Hepworth:
Nobody cares that you missed lunch!
Principal Beetrot (gasps): That is not true! Every student deserves to have lunch! My dear Better Late, I shall personally escort you to my favorite bistro so that you may partake of a nutritious and delicious meal. BetterLate:
That’s more like it!
Mrs. Hepworth:
But Principal Beetrot, I must insist----
Principal Beetrot:
And I must insist on every child’s right to three healthy meals. A right that I am very sorry to hear that you don’t believe in as deeply as I do.
(Principal Beetrot and NeverLate exit. Mrs Hepworth sighs. ) Bathroom Breke:
‘Scuse me.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Bathroom Breke! What is it now?
Bathroom Breke:
What do I do after I sign my name and write down the time? 25
EVERYONE:
You go to the bathroom!
Bathroom Breke:
Right! Thanks for the tip.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Alexia (to Casper):
Now if we’re done talking about Bathroom Breke’s bathroom break and BetterLate’s lunch---Speaking of food, remember how the Commish said that the diamond was the size and shape of a pear?
Casper: (to Alexia)
Yeah.
Alexia: (to Casper)
Well, look!
Narrator:
Alexia nodded toward Snoozana’s backpack. At the very bottom of the backpack, a solid object that looked exactly the shape and size of a pear stuck out of the vinyl material.
Casper (to Alexia):
The diamond!
Alexia:
And you can see that it has that rough texture that a diamond would---not smooth like a pear skin---but multi-faceted and angular like a diamond.
Casper:
Now I just have to get the diamond out of the backpack. But how?
Hahchooni:
Achoo! Achoo!
Coughalot:
Cough! Cough!
26
Chitterchatter:
chitchatchitchatchitchat PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION chitchatchitchat H &M chitchatchitchat INSTAGRAM
Chatsworth:
I know, right? chitchatchitchatchitchat LADYBUGS chitchatchitchatchitchat NAIL POLISH chitchat chit chat chitchat TUNAFISH SANDWICH
Tishoe:
Can I get a tissue?
Mrs Hepworth:
Stop sneezing, Hachooni! Stop coughing, Cough alot! And stop chitchatting, Chatsworth and Chitterchatter! Get a tissue, Tishoe!
Casper (to Alexia):
I’ll sneak behind Snooz’s desk and start rifling through his backpack.
Narrator:
Casper unzipped Snoozana’s backpack. Instantly, fumes of rotten food pervaded the room.
Alexia:
Gross! Who let the dogs out?
Hahchooni:
My allergies have been triggered. ACHOO! ACHOO!
Coughalot:
My allergies are off the charts. COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!
Attensha:
I’m going to throw up.
Encyclopedia:
Factually speaking, you are going to vomit. Indeed, we all are going to vomit if that smell does not dissipate in time. That is because the disgusting fumes are triggering our gag reflex. 27
Tishoe:
Anyone need a tissue?
India:
My old school never smelled like this!
(The Fire Alarm goes off) Encyclopedia:
The toxic fumes set off the fire alarm! Do not be afraid, fellow classmates!
Loud Speaker:
This is the school office. That was a false alarm. There is no fire. I repeat, there is no fire. The fire alarm was triggered by an extremely nasty smell. We are investigating the situation. But you can continue your lessons.
Snoozana (sleep-talking) :
terrible smell….
Alexia:
Quick! No one can tolerate this smell. You’ve got t o get to the bottom of Snoozana’s back pack and find the diamond BEFORE they realize that the source of the smell is IN the backpack.
Loud Speaker:
Attention, please, attention. This is the main office. We have determined the source of the smell. At first, we thought the smell must be geological because it was so bad. However, using advanced scientific equipment, we have deduced that the smell is coming from inside the building. I repeat, the smell is coming from inside the building!
Alexia:
Hurry! We have no time to lose. 28
Encyclopedia:
Everyone, as wave after wave of nausea overtakes you, just know that vomiting is a totally natural response to toxins. In fact, in Ancient Rome, they used to have a room dedicated to vomiting. It was called the Vomitorium. Facts only.
Attensha:
If that smell doesn’t go away soon, this room is going to become the Vomitorium!
Alexia:
Casper, Quick!
Narrator:
Casper stuck his hand into Snoozana’s backpack.
Casper:
Pray for me.
Narrator:
His hand clasped around something.
Casper:
It feels squishy and moist-- like a giant eyeball.
Narrator:
He pulled it out of the bag.
Alexia:
It’s green. And it stinks.
India:
AURGH! The smell just got even more intense!
Mrs. Hepworth:
Girls and boys, what we are smelling is not a smell. And it is certainly not a scent. What we are smelling is a STENCH. A stench is an extremely powerful, extremely terrible smell that overwhelms you with feelings of disgust and awfulness.
EVERYONE:
Make it stop, Mrs. Hepworth! 29
Mrs. Hepworth:
If only I knew how!
Alexia:
You’ve got to get rid of that thing. It’s definitely NOT the diamond. It looks like a GIANT eyeball. And it stinks like a rotten egg.
Casper:
I think it is a rotten egg. It’s turned green from the mold. How gross is that?
Alexia:
That’s vomitorious. But you gotta keep looking for the diamond.
Casper:
I can’t. I’m too scared.
Alexia:
Casper, we are professionals. We owe it to the city of New York to find the diamond. Keep digging!
Narrator:
Casper reached in and felt something hard and crispy with a glue like center that stuck to his fingers.
Casper:
I think I found the old peanut butter sandwich. Gross!
Narrator:
He pulled it out. It was not a peanut butter sandwich. Rather, it was...
Casper:
A piece of apple pie from last Thanksgiving. And it wasn’t even in a box. It was just floating around inside his backpack. And Thanksgiving was nearly a year ago!
Alexia:
You know what that means, don’t you?
Casper:
That I’m about to be sick? 30
Alexia:
Yes---AND the old peanut butter and jelly sandwich is still in there. You gotta keep digging.
Casper:
I can’t do it. I’ve hit the wall. I don’t have the strength.
Alexia:
Step aside.
Narrator:
Alexia thrust her hand into the backpack.
Casper:
Anything? Anything?
Alexia:
I feel something sharp and hard. And heavy.
Casper:
Is it the diamond?
Alexia:
Well, it’s not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That much I know.
Narrator:
With great difficulty, Alexia pulled it out of Snoozana’s backpack.
Alexia:
It’s a…..it’s an Oscar Award!
Casper:
What is Snoozana doing with an Academy award in his backpack?
Alexia:
I don’t know. What ELSE are we going to find in there?
Casper:
Keep digging, Alexia. There’s no time to lose!
Narrator:
Alexia took a deep breath and bravely thrust her hand inside the backpack. 31
Alexia:
I’ve found something heavy...
Casper:
That’s good!
Alexia:
And big...
Casper:
That’s good!
Alexia:
And round!
Casper:
That’s bad!
Narrator:
With tremendous strength, Alexia pulled out a ...
Casper:
KETTLE BELL!? Who carries a kettle bell in their backpack?
Alexia:
No wonder he has so much trouble going up the stairs. Casper, I’m tuckered out. I need a breather. You take over.
Narrator:
Casper straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath and plunged his hand into Snoozana’s backpack.
Casper:
I am feeling something hard.
Alexia:
That’s good!
Casper:
And pretty big.
Alexia:
That’s good!
Casper:
And rectangular. 32
Alexia:
That’s bad!
Narrator:
Casper pulled out a silver frame and looked at it.
Casper:
It’s a framed love letter to Snoozana from…. Taylor Swift.
Snoozana (asleep):
Taylor ! Tay-tay!
Alexia:
Shhhh! You’ll wake him. I didn’t know Snoozana was going out with Taylor Swift. We’re only in the 5th grade!
Casper:
That’s pretty cool, or pretty weird. But it’s not the diamond. I’m going back in.
Alexia:
Find the diamond, Casper! You can do it.
Casper:
OK I think I’ve got it. Only its really big--
Alexia:
Is it pear-shaped?
Casper:
I can’t even tell cause it’s so big. And it has water in it. Lots of water.
Alexia:
So it’s ….a big water bottle?
Casper:
Help me pull it out! It’s so heavy.
Alexia:
It’s massive. How did this even fit into his backpack?
Casper:
I can’t even tell what it is. Except that it’s huge and it contains tons of water. 33
Alexia:
One, two, three, PULL!
Narrator:
The twins pulled out of Snoozana’s backpack...
Alexia and Casper:
A swimming pool?!
Mrs. Hepworth:
What is a swimming pool doing in the middle of my classroom? I want answers! And I want them now!
Principal Beetrot:
What is going on here ? What is a swimming pool doing inside a 5th grade classroom? Installing a swimming pool in the middle of your classroom is against school policy. I shall deal with this later.
Casper:
I’m going in again. I think I’ve got something.
Alexia:
Is it hard?
Casper:
Yes
Alexia:
Is it the size of a pear?
Casper:
Yes. It is exactly the size of a pear.
Alexia:
And is it the shape of a pear?
Casper:
Definitely. It is the perfect pear shape.
Alexia:
This is it! You’ve found the pear-shaped diamond! Finally!
Narrator:
Casper pulled the pear-shaped object out. 34
Casper:
It’s a….it’s a….it’s a…..
Alexia:
It’s a pear.
Casper:
Not a pear-shaped diamond.
Alexia:
Just, you know...a pear.
Casper:
A half-eaten pear.
Alexia:
A moldy pear.
Casper:
A three-month old pear.
Snoozana (awake) :
A delicious pear. (he eats it) . Ahhh, a perfect snack. Hey, why are you guys going through my stuff.? Oh never mind (he sleeps)
Alexia:
I can’t even believe this. What do we do now? We’ll never find the diamond.
Snoozana (sleep-taking) : Casper:
Diamond. Shoulda caught the diamond.
Wait! What? What did you say Snoozana?
Snoozana (sleep-talking) : Mom threw me diamond.(yawn) But I didn’t catch it. Alexia :
Where did the diamond go, Snoozana? WHERE DID IT GO?
Snoozana (sleep-singing) : Shine bright like a diamond! Shine bright like a diamond! 35
Casper:
Snoozana, I know you’re asleep, but focus! Where is the diamond?
Snoozana (sleep-talking) : pear?
Rihanna’s so pretty. (yawn) Where’s my moldy
Alexia:
Snoozana, your Mom threw the diamond to you.
Casper:
You missed it.
Alexia:
What happened NEXT?
Snoozana (sleep-talking) :
It flew in one window of my bedroom and out the other.
Alexia:
And it probably landed on the street.
Casper:
Where anyone could have taken it.
Snoozana (sleeptalking):
And now bad guys are coming.
Alexia:
What?
Casper:
Snoozana! Wake up. What do you mean? Bad guys are coming!?
Snoozana (sleeptalking):
I am officially in REM sleep. There is no point in trying to reach me.
Encyclopedia:
He’s right. When a person is in REM sleep...
Snoozana (sleeptalking):
...like I am now. 36
Encyclopedia:
like he is now...he is in the deepest level of sleep. He can neither hear you nor respond.
Snoozana (sleeptalking): See? I told you. I’m in REM sleep. I can neither see you nor hear you. Now leave me alone. Alexia: (to CASPER):
We gotta tell the Commish.
(Casper takes out his phone) Casper:
That Snoozana’s asleep?
Alexia:
No that the diamond is lost! And that bad guys are coming cause they think Snoozy Snooz has the diamond.
Casper:
I’m dialing the Commish now. Just make sure Mrs Hepworth doesn’t see.
Attensha:
Mrs. Hepworth! Casper has a smartwatch at school. And now he’s dialing someone’s number on it.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Unacceptable! Bring me that smartwatch at once.
Casper:
But it’s an emergency!
Mrs. Hepworth:
Nonsense!
Alexia:
Please, Mrs Hepworth. You’ve got to believe him.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Insolence! First, you bring a smartwatch into this place of learning. 37
PencilSharpener:Mrs. Hepworth? Mrs Hepworth:
And then you dare to argue with a teacher!
Casper and Alexia:
But Mrs Hepworth!
Mrs. Hepworth:
You are both in a time out. Go down to the principal’s office. And wait there till Principal Beetrot returns from lunch at that fancy bistro. India and Encyclopedia will escort you down.
PencilSharpener:Mrs Hepworth? Mrs. Hepworth:
Yes, PencilSharpener, you may sharpen your pencil.
PencilSharpener:How did you know that’s what I’d ask for? Mrs. Hepworth:
Because it’s what you always ask for. Sharpening your pencil is your passion.
PencilSharpener:You understand me. You really understand me. . Chatsworth: chit chat chit chat chit chat chit chat YO YO chit chat chit chat chit chat THE NED SHOW chit chat chit chat PIZZA Mrs. Hepworth: Chitterchatter:
Chatsworth, stop talking this instant! chit chat chit chat chit chat VIDEO GAMES chit chat chit chat ICE CREAM SUNDAE chit chat chit chat chit chat SWEDISH FISH 38
Mrs. Hepworth:
That does it! Chitter Chatter and Chatsworth you are ALSO in a time out. You must go down immediately to the principal’s office. Tishoe and Coughalot will escort you downstairs.
Coughalot:
(cough) ok (cough) Mrs Hepworth
Tishoe:
(hachoo!) I’ll just grab a tissue on my way out.
Mrs Hepworth:
And swing by the nurse’s office on your way back. This much sneezing and coughing is not normal.
Hachooni:
Can I go too? I’m the one who (sneezes) really (sneezes) sneezes a lot.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Yes, you may. All of you, go at once!
PencilSharpener:Mrs Hepworth? Mrs. Hepworth:
What is it, PencilSharpener?
PencilSharpener:Can I sharpen my pencil? Mrs. Hepworth:
But you only JUST sharpened it.
PencilSharpener:
I know. And it was all pointed and perfect. It was the kind of pencil point that just glides across the page like a butterfly. And then I started writing with it and the nib just plain fell off. So I’m back where I started. In fact, I’m worse off than ever. Before my pencil point was just too dull and now it’s not there at all. How can I be expected to learn all the wonderful things you have to teach me if I don’t have a pencil that works? 39
Mrs. Hepworth:
Tishoe:
Go ahead and sharpen your pencil. Tishoe, what are you still doing here? I told you explicitly to go to the principal’s office. But before that, I had to take a tissue. Then, I had to blow my nose. And now I am throwing the tissue in the garbage can. Just as my pediatrician has instructed.
Mrs. Hepworth:
And now go to the principal’s office, just as your teacher has instructed!
Tishoe:
Can I take one more tissue for the road?
Mrs. Hepworth:
Leave!
Narrator:
Coughing and sneezing and chitchatting all the way, Alexia and Casper, Chitterchatter and Chatsworth escorted by Hachooni, Tishoe, Coughalot, India and Encyclopedia, walked down the stairs.
Alexia:
Principal Beetrot is having lunch at a bistro, but where?
Encyclopedia:
There’s only one bistro within a mile’s radius of the school.
Casper:
What’s it called?
India:
Ricky’s Bistro. I’ve only lived here for one day and even I know that.
40
Alexia:
We have to go there. If we can’t get through to the Commish, we have to tell Principal Beetrot that Snoozana is in grave danger.
Coughalot:
(cough, cough, cough) We are supposed to go to the Principal’s office.
Casper:
This is an emergency. We have to go to the bistro and tell Principal Beetrot of the danger that faces Snoozana.
Alexia:
Quick! Let’s make a run for it before anyone knows we’re gone.
Tishoe:
Are there tissues at Ricky’s Bistro? Cause I need to blow my nose again.
Hachooni:
(sneezes) I need a (sneezes) tissue (sneezes) , too.
Coughalot:
(cough) Do they serve cough syrup at Ricky’s bistro? (cough)
Casper:
Don’t worry about that now. There are two bad guys that we’ve got to catch before they catch Snoozana.
Alexia:
Plus we’ve got to figure out who caught the diamond BEFORE the bad guys figure that out.
Casper:
Alexia’s right. Let’s go.
Encyclopedia:
By my calculations, the bistro is exactly three blocks away. If we run each block in 30 seconds, we’ll be there in exactly a minute and a half. That’s just 90 seconds. 41
Hachooni:
(sneeze) Lead (sneeze) the (sneeze) way! HACHOO.
Narrator:
While the 5th graders were racing toward Ricky’s Bistro, Principal Beetrot was daintily eating a steak and BetterLate was devouring a tunafish sandwich and washing it down with a lukewarm glass of Sunny Delight. Unfortunately for Principal Beetrot, BetterLate ate with his mouth open.
Waiter:
(with snobby French accent) Is everything to your satisfaction, madame et monsieur?
Principal Beetrot:
The steak is delicious. My compliments to the chef.
Better Late:
I could use another Sunny D.
Waiter:
Right away, monsieur.
Principal Beetrot:
Oh, my poor, dear BetterLate! You are like a modern-day Oliver Twist. Look at you gobbling down that tuna fish sandwich. You’re clearly starving. You’re not even taking the time to chew.
Better Late:
That’s why I need so much Sunny Delight. I gotta wash the tuna fish down my throat so that it hits my stomach with a splash!
Principal Beetrot:
Better Late:
From now on, I will see to it that you will never go without lunch. As this steak is my witness, you will always have lunch Monday through Friday. I will make sure of it. But what if I’m not at school at lunchtime? 42
Principal Beetrot:
Don’t be ridiculous, BetterLate. Why wouldn’t you be at school at lunch time?
Better Late:
Because I’m usually at home playing video games. I only swing by school around 12:30 when lunch is over.
Principal Beetrot:
Do you mean to tell me that you never attend school in the mornings?
BetterLate:
Never. I need the time for my video gaming. A man’s got to make choices.
Principal Beetrot (icily):
I see. And yet, you manage to grace us with your presence at 1pm. And, why, pray tell is that? Why bother coming in at all?
BetterLate:
Because at 1pm, we have recess. I get some good exercise in. And it’s good for me to make an appearance at school each day. Just to see what everyone is wearing and to keep up with the latest trends.
Principal Beetrot:
Do you mean to tell me that I have cruelly chastized a fellow educator for allowing a student to go without lunch when that student wasn’t even on the school premises at the time that lunch was served?
BetterLate:
Basically.
Principal Beetrot:
What have I done? Have I rewarded this wayward child with an expensive three-course lunch at my favorite bistro during SCHOOL HOURS? 43
Better Late:
Basically.
Waiter:
Basically. Oui.
Principal Beetrot:
I am about to faint with horror. I AM ABOUT TO FAINT with horror.
BetterLate:
Basically.
Waiter:
Madame! You look ill. May I be of service?
Principal Beetrot: (as she faints)
Tell….Mrs Hepworth...I am sorry.
(Principal Beetrot faints as the kids from 5th grade enter. ) Casper: Waiter:
BetterLate: Waiter:
Principal Beetrot! Wake up! Wake up! The poor madame has had a shock. She was forced to watch tunafish being eaten in an open mouth with Sunny Delight swirling around and around it like a washing machine. It was too much for the poor lady. She passed out from the horror. That reminds me. Can I have another SunnyD? Have you no shame, monsieur? Have you not caused enough damage with your unending thirst for an artificial orange drink? And instead do you not yearn for more and more and more? When will you have enough, I ask you? When? When?
44
BetterLate:
I can never have too much Sunny D. Now get me some more. And make it snappy.
Waiter:
I’m cutting you off, Monsieur. You’ve already drank 20 bottles of it. You’ve reached your limit.
BetterLate:
Waiter:
Impossible! Sunny D is part of a healthy lunch. All the commercials say so. It’s both delicious and nutritious. No, it is not delicious and it is not nutritious either. Just because the label says that it is nutritious, does not make it true. Don’t they teach you that at school?
Alexia:
We covered that yesterday, BetterLate.
BetterLate:
I was playing video games. Missed it.
Waiter:
BetterLate:
Waiter:
And another thing they teach at school is that when you have too much acid in your stomach, it gives you a stomachache---- especially , when you combine gallons and gallons of SunnyD together with a heaping plate of tunafish. That is a recipe for a gastronomical disaster of epic proportions. Is that why I feel like my stomach is turning itself inside out? Voila! The SunnyD-tunafish stomach ache has begun. Be prepared: It’s the worst stomach ache of all.
BetterLate:
Here it comes!
Waiter:
The men’s room is straight ahead. Run! 45
Casper:
I’m sorry for BetterLate and all, but we have an emergency. We have to get Principal Beetrot to wake up and fast.
Encyclopedia:
We need smelling salts. They contain ammonium carbonate—a colorless-to-white, crystalline solid . They release a gas---
BetterLate: (from the bathroom) Encyclopedia:
India:
NO MORE GAS!
The gas from the smelling salts triggers an inhalation reflex by irritating the mucous membranes of the nose and lungs. Additionally, the irritant elevates the heart rate, blood pressure, and brain activity by activating the sympathetic nervous system. In short, they wake a person who has fainted. It’s what we need!
Waiter:
Alas, we have no smelling salts in the bistro. You will have to find them at a local CVS.
India
I spotted one three blocks away. Let’s go.
Tishoe:
Can we buy kleenex there, too?
Hachooni:
(sneezes) And hand sanitizer? Hachoo!
Coughalot:
(cough) And cough syrup? (cough)
BetterLate:
And Sunny D? 46
Casper:
Look, we can’t all go to CVS. I’ll go. You all stay here and keep an eye on Principal Beetrot. But stay out of sight. Otherwise the waiter will send you all back to school.
BetterLate:
Or worse, he’ll make you eat his disgusting food.
Waiter:
It was the Sunny D that is disgusting, not the food at this bistro! Ungrateful child! In fact, I want all of you ungrateful children out of my bistro at once. Allez-y!
Alexia:
You got it. (whispering to the other kids) Hey guys---Let’s all hide behind that bunch of plants over by the table where those two burly diners are eating their lunch.
India:
They don’t look like the kind of people to be eating at a fancy bistro like this one.
Encyclopedia:
Increasingly in our modern world, it is no longer possible to distinguish who is rich and who is not from the clothes they wear.
Alexia:
Everyone just shush and hide while we wait for Casper to return.
Narrator:
The kids hid behind the plants just in front of the table where two burly diners named Bonnie and Clyde were picking at their food.
Clyde:
I told ya. I can’t eat this food. It’s too fancy.
47
Encyclopedia:
That’s because it’s French cuisine----a fancy type of food that hails from the region of Europe known as La France.
Alexia:
Encyclopedia SHUSH! We’re supposed to be hiding.
Encyclopedia:
My bad.
Bonnie: (to Clyde)
Who was that kid?
Clyde:
I dunno. He was here and then he was gone. Kinda like my dreams of a better life.
Bonnie:
Listen up, Clyde. You better get used to this fancy food. Once we sell that diamond, it’s gonna be fancy bistros like this for the rest of our lives.
(All the kids gasp) India:
the diamond!
Bonnie:
Is there an echo? Yes, the diamond.
Alexia: (whispers)
These are the thieves. Be quiet everyone.
Chittterchatter:
You’re the one who’s talking.
Alexia:
I was only talking to tell everyone ELSE to STOP talking.
Chatsworth:
But that still counts as talking.
Encyclopedia:
Technically, they have a point. 48
India:
Silencio!
Clyde:
Eating fancy food like this every day of my life? That sounds terrible. If I’d known stealing the diamond would produce that result, I never woulda turned to a life of crime.
Bonnie:
Clyde, you’re gonna eat fancy food and you’re gonna like it. It’s gonna be just you and me on Easy Street. Picture it: Each morning, we’ll play video games
Encyclopedia:
Which can be very addictive.
Alexia:
Encyclopedia, SHUSH!
Bonnie:
then we’ll have lunch at this bistro every single day. For the rest of our lives.
Clyde:
What about my mom?
Bonnie:
What about her? Did she help steal the diamond?
Clyde:
She couldn’t. She wanted to watch Dancing with the Stars. And can you blame her? It’s must-see TV.
Bonnie:
Let’s get this straight, Clyde. If your Mom didn’t help steal the diamond, then she’s not going to reap all the benefits from stealing the diamond. Example A: She’s not gonna get this fancy French food. See? That’s how this works.
49
Clyde:
So she got lucky twice. First, she got to watch Dancing with the Stars. And second, she doesn’t have to eat this yucky food.
Bonnie:
Clyde, FOCUS! We’re moving up in the world and we’re never looking back.
Clyde:
If only we could!
Hachooni:
I’m going to sneeze. I’m going to sneeze!
Alexia:
Hold it in, Hachooni. You’re going to give us away!
Tishoe:
I need a tissue. I can’t take it anymore. My nose is running.
Alexia:
Shhh!
Coughalot:
I feel a cough coming. There’s this tickle on my throat.
Chitterchatter:
chit chat chit chat chit chat SUNNY DELIGHT chit chat chit chat Chit chat TUNAFISH SALAD chit chat chit chat ACID REFLUX
Bonnie:
Are you talking? I’m hearing lots of words, but I can’t see your lips move.
Clyde:
I’m not talking. Are you talking?
Chatsworth:
chit chat chit chat chit chat MILEY CYRUS chit chat chit chat PINE CONE chit chat chit chat FIRE EXTINGUISHER 50
Bonnie:
Of course I’m not talking. I just asked if you were talking. Why would I ask if you were talking if I was talking?
Clyde:
Well, you were talking a second ago when you were asking if I was talking. You had to be talking to ask if I was talking. So you were definitely talking.
Bonnie:
But the only reason I w as talking was to ask if YOU were talking.
Clyde:
The fact remains that you were still talking.
Bonnie:
I give up. Were you or were you not talking?
Clyde:
When?
Bonnie:
Just then.
Clyde:
(thinks) I’m not sure. I guess so. I’m not the best judge of when I’m talking. I can’t make that determination.
Tishoe:
I see a white cloth napkin on their table. If I can just get it, I can use it to wipe my nose.
Alexia:
Tishoe, don’t! You’ll give us away.
Tishoe:
Chitterchatter:
But my nose is running. It’s the worst feeling in the world! chitchatchitchat Alexia’s bossy chit chat chit chat chit chat skittles 51
Alexia:
Be quiet, all of you! We have to find out what happened to the diamond.
Clyde:
All’s I’m saying is it’s pretty easy to tell if someone was talking or not. For example, I am talking right now. I am talking right now. I am talking right now. See? You can easily tell that I am talking.
Bonnie:
Clyde, focus on the diamond. That’s what’s really important. We gotta sell the diamond and make our fortune.
Clyde:
Don’t forget we can’t sell the diamond until we have it back in our greedy little hands.
Bonnie:
I can’t believe you let the diamond out of our evil clutches, Clyde. What kind of thief steals a diamond and then loses it? You really need to brush up on your organizational skills.
Clyde:
I told ya. It wasn’t my fault.
Bonnie:
It is entirely your fault, Clyde. We’d almost made a clean getaway. I could be shopping at Target right now with all the money from that diamond. I could be getting a double mocha latte at Starbucks right now with the money from that diamond. I could be at Zales getting myself a diamond right now with all the money from that diamond. But nooooooooooo---you had to give that nice lady a ride home and LOSE the diamond.
Clyde:
I’m sorry. I was just trying to help that nice lady. 52
Bonnie:
Note to self. When you’re pulling off the biggest diamond heist in history, it’s maybe not the best moment to be a good samaritan. I mean, look at how far we got before you messed it all up. First, we infiltrated the Apex Cleaning Company.
Clyde:
They hired us as one of their cleaners. I guess we impressed them.
Bonnie:
We wore their Apex Cleaning Company uniforms and everything. Nobody suspected a thing.
Clyde:
I felt good in that uniform. It was a flattering fit. Next, we made sure we got assigned to the cleaning job at the museum
Bonnie:
Where the giant diamond was located.
Clyde:
Right.
Bonnie:
Do you see how everything was going according to plan?
Clyde:
And then we cleaned the museum from top to bottom. I did such a good job. Those windows were tricky, but I finally got the hang of it. It’s the up and down motion with just the right pressure that gets the job done. You see people on tv cleaning windows by wiping in circles. That’s not how you do it. You gotta go up and down with just the right pressure. It’s something you learn over time if you care enough about doing a good job. You know, there’s something about dusting and cleaning that is very soothing to my soul. I got into a 53
real zen place just cleaning and polishing for hours and hours until that entire museum shone, well, like a diamond. India:
How poetic. Like a diamond Get it? Like the diamond….the diamond that they stole.
Encyclopedia:
You may be wondering just what makes diamonds so valuable. A brief introduction to the topic may prove instructive. Diamond is renowned as a material with superlative physical qualities, most of which originate from the strong covalent bonding between its atoms. In particular, diamond has the highest hardness and thermal conductivity of any bulk material.
Bonnie:
Are you doing that thing again?
Clyde:
What thing?
Bonnie:
That thing where you’re talking but your lips aren’t moving?
Clyde:
When?
Bonnie:
A few seconds ago.
Clyde:
I was talking a few seconds ago.
Bonnie:
But your lips weren’t moving.
Clyde:
I don’t know if my lips were moving or if they weren’t moving. I don’t look at a mirror when I speak. Someone else has to make that determination. 54
Hachooni:
I’m gonna sneeze!
Tishoe:
I’ve almost grabbed the cloth napkin!
India:
Tishoe! Don’t!
Coughalot:
I want to cough so badly!
Alexia:
SHUSH. All of you. NOW.
Clyde:
Do you hear whispering? Cause I think I hear whispering.
Bonnie:
Clyde, FOCUS. If we retrace where you went wrong, maybe we’ll figure out how to get the diamond back. Your first mistake was that we weren’t really at the museum to clean.
Clyde:
We weren’t?
Bonnie (sighs)
No, Clyde. That was just our cover. We were there to STEAL the diamond. You were just supposed to PRETEND to clean while we STOLE the diamond.
Clyde:
What can I say? Apex Cleaning Services hired me to do a job and I did that job with pride and with a spring in my step. I cleaned that museum to the best of my ability. And I believe I gave good value for the money I was paid.
Bonnie:
Clyde, you need to FOCUS UP. You weren’t there to clean. You were there to rip off the museum! To steal! 55
They’re really not going to care what a great job you did cleaning the museum when they notice that you also stole a diamond that’s worth THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. Clyde:
Would they hire me back if I say sorry?
Bonnie:
Of course they won’t hire you again. And anyway, all that you’ve achieved is that now the museum doesn’t have the diamond and neither do you.
Clyde:
Well, at least I haven’t PROFITED from my crime.
Bonnie:
Clyde, FOCUS on where you went wrong.
Clyde:
Ok. I guess I went wrong when I met you.
Bonnie:
No, that is not where you went wrong. You went wrong when you offered one of our colleagues a ride home during the biggest diamond heist in history.
Clyde
What can I say? I’m nice.
Bonnie:
You didn’t even TRY to hide the diamond from her. You just held it in your hand.
Clyde:
Yeah, maybe holding the diamond in one hand, while driving the truck with my other hand was not the best idea.
Bonnie:
And then she confronted us.
56
Mrs Tired:
Como tu puedes? Pero como tu puedes? Estais las ladrones! Policia! Policia! A dios mio!
Bonnie:
And then she grabbed the diamond and ran.
Mrs Tired:
Voy a devolver el diamante al museo inmediatamente. Esos chicos son malos.
Clyde:
And then I chased after her, but I was pretty slow. I really need to hit the gym.
Bonnie:
And then she threw the diamond.
Clyde:
She threw it into a 6 story building.
Bonnie:
She called someone’s name as she threw it:
Mrs Tired:
Snoozana! Atrapalo! Aqui esta una diamante muy grande! Atrapalo!
Bonnie:
But the kid was wearing headphones. He didn’t hear her.
Clyde:
He was playing video games. And he really should have been in bed. That’s unacceptable.
Encyclopedia:
That’s right. A child that age should have strict limits on his video game usage and on his bedtime. Both are critical for brain development.
Alexia:
Encyclopedia, SHUSH!
Bonnie:
Who was that kid? 57
Clyde:
I dunno. He was here and gone, like my appetite when I started eating this yucky food.
Bonnie:
Clyde, FOCUS. Stop caring about the food and start caring about the diamond.
Clyde:
Okay, okay.
Bonnie:
So the woman threw the diamond to a kid and….
Clyde:
The kid didn’t catch the diamond, Bonnie. He was watching video games.
Encyclopedia:
His hand-eye coordination wasn’t strong enough on account of his playing so many video games.
ALL:
Encyclopedia, SHUSH!
Bonnie:
Who was that kid?
Clyde:
I dunno. He was here and then gone, like my sense of right and wrong.
ALL:
Clyde, FOCUS.
Bonnie:
The diamond seemed to go in one window and OUT another window on the other side of the street. What happened next?
Clyde:
The kid got up and looked out the window. And he called to someone he knew on the street. 58
Bonnie:
Who would be walking down the street so late at night? Did he call that person by name?
Clyde:
Yes, but I can’t remember the name. It was Mrs. Something.
Bonnie:
Mrs. What? Mrs What? Mrs Field’s cookies?
Clyde:
I don’t remember!
Bonnie:
Was it Mrs Butterworth?
Clyde:
I don’t think so.
Bonnie:
Think! Was it Mrs Difficult?
Clyde:
No.
Tishoe:
Almost got the cloth napkin.
Alexia:
Tishoe, don’t! She’ll see you !
Bonnie:
Was it Mrs. Obama?
Clyde:
No.
Tishoe:
Almost got it. The flood that is flowing from my nose is about to be dried at last.
Bonnie:
Was it Mrs. DiBlasio?
Clyde:
No. 59
Encyclopedia:
Was it Mrs Hepworth?
India:
Encyclopedia! SHUSH!
Clyde:
Yes, it was Mrs. Hepworth! Thank you whoever you are.
Bonnie:
Who was that kid?
Clyde:
I don’t know. He was here and then he was gone. Like my excitement about our relationship.
Bonnie:
Wait a second. Are you pulling my cloth napkin off the table?
Clyde:
Me? No. Why?
Bonnie:
Because someone is pulling my----
Coughalot:
I can’t hold it any more---cough cough cough
Hachooni
Sneezing is an involuntary reflex. HACHOO I can’t stop sneezing if I wanted to ---and I don’t want to! (sneeze sneeze sneeze)
Clyde:
Who’s sneezing? Is the plant sneezing? Can a plant sneeze? Is that what is happening?
Hachooni:
HACHOOOOO it’s so satisfying hachoo hachoo it feels great! hachoo! If sneezing is wrong I don’t wanna be right.
60
Bonnie:
The plant isn’t sneezing. Someone BEHIND the plant is sneezing.
Chatsworth:
chit chat chit chat STOP TALKING chit chat chit chat EVERYONE STOP TALKING OR ELSE BONNIE AND CLYDE WILL SEE US chit chat chit chat chit chat I’m serious. They’re bad guys and they’re totally going to see us. Chit chat chit chat chit chat.
Chitterchatter:
chitchat chitchat chitchat chit chat OH NO chit chat chit chat She’s pulling back the plants chit chat chit chat the bad guys are looking straight at us
Bonnie:
We do see you. All of you. What are you doing there?
Clyde:
Yeah, shouldn’t you all be at school getting a good education?
Bonnie:
Clyde, FOCUS. The problem is NOT that they’re not at school. The problem is that they’re right here listening in on our evil schemes.
Clyde:
Don’t be mad at them, Bonnie. They’re just cute kids. They probably didn’t hear anything anyway.
Alexia:
Yeah, we didn’t hear anything. We were just examining the plants, you know for school.
Encyclopedia:
We’re studying botany, you know, how a seed becomes a plant? These plants are perfect examples of the plant known as the fern. Fascinating!
India:
We’re just, you know, watering these plants 61
Alexia:
pulling out the weeds
Encyclopedia:
pruning the leaves and planting new seeds.
Bonnie:
Oh, really? Here’s the problem. These plants are plastic.
India:
They are? That’s an outrage.
Bonnie:
What did you little scoundrels hear? Huh? WHAT?
Chitterchatter:
Don’t worry. We didn’t hear anything. It was just like at school. We’re too busy talking amongst ourselves to hear anything adults are saying.
Chatsworth:
We didn’t hear anything about how you stole the diamond from the museum.
India:
be quiet Chatsworth!
Chitterchatter:
And we definitely didn’t hear anything about how you lost the diamond.
Alexia:
Silencio, Chitterchatter!
Hahchooni:
Encyclopedia:
And (sneeze) we definitely didn’t hear about how the lady you worked with who is presumably the mother of our classmate Snoozana
62
Hahchooni:
about how she threw the diamond (sneeze) up to Snoozana
Tishoe:
Or --excuse me let me just wipe my nose on your cloth napkin ----ah that’s better--- we definitely did not hear about how Snoozana failed to catch the diamond.
Alexia:
Guys, Shush!
Coughalot:
Or how (cough) Mrs, Hepworth (cough) caught the diamond.
Clyde:
See, Bonnie? These kids didn’t hear anything. They didn’t hear anything at all. Let’s just let them get on with their science project taking care of plastic plants.
Bonnie:
Clyde, focus. By telling us they didn’t hear about how we stole and lost the diamond, they told us that they really did hear how we stole and lost the diamond And that suits me just fine. Cause here’s what happens next. You’re going to take us to your school. And you’re going to introduce us to this very troublesome creature, Snoozana.
Casper:
There’s really no point in doing that, ma’m. Snoozana’s probably fast asleep.
Bonnie: Alexia:
Then we’re gonna WAKE him up. Our teacher tries to do that all the time, but it’s a lot harder than it sounds.
63
Bonnie:
Guess what? We’re gonna succeed at it. We’ll use smelling salts if we need to.
Encyclopedia:
You can buy them at CVS.
Bonnie:
Thanks for the tip. Let’s get a move on, all y’all. Forward, March!
India:
Waiter, help us!
Waiter:
Why should I? I am a restaurant professional not a babysitter.
Encyclopedia:
These are hardened criminals! You cannot entrust us to their care.
Waiter:
Nonsense! I told you annoying brats to get back to school 15 minutes ago. Now, leave at once.
Clyde:
Let’s get a move on!
(Exit Clyde, Bonnie and all the kids except BetterLate and Casper (who is off stage. ) Waiter:
Wait! They never paid their bill!
(Casper enters.) Casper:
I’ve got the smelling salts! Alexia, hey everyone. You can come out of hiding now.
Waiter:
There is no use looking for your little friends. I have sent them all back to school. 64
Casper:
What?
Waiter:
The two burly diners were only too happy to escort them back to school.
BetterLate:
(comes from the bathroom) It sounded like they had stolen some diamond or something.
Casper:
What?
Waiter: (mimicking)
What? What? What? Here’s what. Revive your principal and then leave my bistro! Tout de suite!
Casper:
If those two diners were the thieves and they are taking Alexia and the others back to school, they must mean harm to Snoozana. We’ve got to get back to school….and fast.
BetterLate:
Especially since they said Mrs Hepworth has the diamond.
Casper:
What? Oh boy, we better get back to school on the double.
(He takes the smelling salts and puts them under Principal Beetrot’s nose. Principal Beetrot wakes up with a shock. ) Principal Beetrot:
Who? What? Where? Why?
Casper:
We’ve got to get back to school at once. Two thieves are about to enter the school. 65
Principal Beetrot:
Let’s leave at once.
BetterLate:
Thanks for lunch, Principal B!
Principal Beetrot:
That means you, too, BetterLate.
(They leave.) Waiter:
Wait, you must pay your bill! Oh la la! The Sunny D bill alone will make me file for bankruptcy. I will call the police. And they will solve this catastrophe.
Narrator:
Meanwhile back at school…
Attensha:
Mrs Hepworth, don’t you think Alexia, Casper and the others have been in the Principal’s office for a very long time?
Mrs Hepworth:
You’re right. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
(Mrs. Hepworth picks up the phone. ) Mrs. Hepworth:
Please send the children in Principal Beetrot’s office back to my classroom.
(Bonnie appears in the classroom doorway---with Clyde and the kids) Bonnie:
I got’em right here Mrs. Hepworth.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Who are you?
Encyclopedia:
Her name’s Bonnie. She’s the one who stole the diamond. 66
Clyde:
Hey, what about me? I helped out. Hi, Mrs. Hepworth, my name is Clyde. Wait, you got a swimming pool in a classroom? School sure has changed since I went to school.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Bonnie and Clyde, release my students from your evil clutches and leave my classroom immediately!
Bonnie:
No can do, Mrs. Hepworth. See, this is how this is gonna work. We’ll release your students once you give us something.
Mrs. Hepworth:
What?
Clyde:
Empty out your bag on the desk. Nice and slow.
Mrs. Hepworth:
I will not!
Bonnie:
You will if you want us to release your students.
Mrs. Hepworth:
This is an outrage.
Casper:
Just do what they ask, Mrs. Hepworth.
Alexia:
You might discover that there is something in your bag that surprises you.
Mrs. Hepworth:
I very much doubt that, Alexia. But very well…
(She begins to empty her bag on the desk)
67
My wallet, my lesson plan book, my granola bar, a huge diamond (all gasp) Mrs. Hepworth:
A huge diamond! What is that doing in here?
Snoozana:
It fell in your bag by mistake, Mrs. Hepworth.
Mrs. Hepworth:
I felt something heavy drop into my bag last night as I walked home from school but I was too tired to think anything of it. No wonder my bag was so heavy.
Clyde:
And now, if you’ll just hand that over, we’ll be on our way. And you can continue with your swimming class or whatever you do with this swimming pool here.
Mrs. Hepworth:
And you’ll leave my students with me? You must promise to leave them here. I won’t hand over the diamond unless you do.
Bonnie:
Mrs. Hepworth, we will be DELIGHTED to leave your students behind. They are annoying, chit-chatting, sneezing and coughing and snooping pests!
Kids:
Hey!
Mrs. Hepworth (handing over the diamond) : Bonnie: (holding the diamond)
Very well. Take the diamond. Now, leave!
See, I told ya, Clyde. We’ve got the diamond back in our evil clutches. 68
Clyde:
Can we go to Starbucks and Target now?
Alexia:
Mrs. Hepworth, we can’t let them get away!
Mrs. Hepworth:
But what can we do?
Bonnie:
Let’s get out of here. There’s a double mocha latte out there with my name on it.
(Two officers appear in the doorway.) Officer Smart: Bonnie: Officer Stern:
Clyde:
Not so fast. Who are you? Can’t you tell from our uniforms? Use your context clues. We’re the cops! Who called the cops? Who? Who?
(The Waiter appears. ) Waiter:
It was moi. You failed to pay your bill. So I called the police and I gave chase.
Officer Stern:
We’re here on the matter of an unpaid bill at Ricky’s Bistro.
Waiter:
Two unpaid bills!
69
Officer Smart:
One of the bills is particularly large because someone consumed an astonishingly large quantity of Sunny D.
Officer Stern:
But before we deal with the unpaid bills, what is a swimming pool doing in the middle of a classroom?
Officer Smart:
I’m not sure the pool is up to code.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Officer, that is a long story but there is something else---
Officer Stern:
We might have to write you up for a violation of school code #342.
Alexia:
Officer Stern:
Officers, my name is Alexia. And I work with Commissioner Jones on major crimes. That’s cute, honey. Keep dreaming.
Casper:
It’s true. Officer! I’m Alexia’s twin, Casper. Together we’ve solved the major diamond heist that happened in Manhattan last evening.
Officer Smart:
This is beginning to sound like a Disney movie. I’m entertained and everything, but we’re here on important police business. So why don’t you sit in the corner and do simple addition and subtraction problems while the grown ups talk.
Alexia:
You need to believe us. Bonnie and Clyde stole the massive diamond from the museum in Manhattan. And they’re standing right here. 70
Waiter:
And even worse, they dined and dashed at my bistro. And so did Principal Beetrot and her appalling friend, Better Late! Arrest them all!
Officer Smart:
That’s just what we’re going to do.
Casper:
Officer, If you’d just call Commissioner Jones---
Officer Stern:
Right. Like I’ve got him on speed dial on my phone. Commissioner Jones is the most important police officer in the city. We’ve never even met him!
Casper:
But!
Officer Smart:
Quit interfering with a criminal investigation. Why don’t you sit and learn your ABCs in the corner?
Alexia:
News flash! I already know my ABCs. Cause I’m in 5th grade.
Bonnie:
Hey, kids. Keep quiet while the grown ups talk. Look here, officers. How much did you say our tab was at Ricky’s Bistro?
Waiter:
35.75 plus tip.
Bonnie:
Here’s 40 dollars. Does this make us fair and square?
Waiter:
I suppose.
Officer Stern:
Great. So the only ones we’ve got to arrest now are Principal Beetrot and Better Late! 71
Principal Beetrot:
What?
Officer Smart:
We’re taking you and BetterLate in for questioning.
Better Late:
They’ll never take me alive!
(Better Late races out of the room.) Principal Beetrot:
Can’t I just pay my bill, too?
Officer Smart:
Oh, yeah, I guess that would work. Sure.
(Principal Beetrot hands over a wad of cash. The waiter counts it and nods. ) Waiter:
My work here is done. I must return to the bistro. I am expecting a large delivery of Sunny Delight because someone used up my entire supply earlier in the day. Also I am expecting a large vat of tunafish salad to be delivered because someone cleared out my supply of that, too.
Better Late (popping his head in the doorway): You’re welcome! Bonnie:
So, officers, what do you say? No harm, no foul, right? We paid our bills so what do you say you two just skedaddle and leave the rest of us here alone?
Principal Beetrot:
Please don’t leave us officers! These two are hardened criminals. If you’d just let us explain---
Officer Stern:
Ma’m, we’re busy professionals. We came here on a complaint raised by the owner of Ricky’s Bistro. 72
Waiter:
the finest bistro in Morris Park!
Officer Smart:
And now that that complaint has been resolved, we’ll be on our way to find the missing diamond.
Mrs Hepworth:
But, officers, you must understand----
Officer Stern:
No, you must understand, Mrs Hepworth. The biggest diamond heist in history took place last night.
Officer Smart:
The entire police force is working overtime to find it.
Officer Stern:
So we don’t have time to be standing around chatting with you about your cute little problems.
Principal Beetrot:
But you don’t understand-
Officer Smart:
Oh we do understand, Principal Beetrot. We understand perfectly well. The question is do you understand?
Officer Stern: Officer Smart: Officer Stern: Officer Smart: Officer Stern: Officer Smart:
That diamond is worth 300 million dollars. Who ever finds that diamond and catches the thief who took it will be a hero. It’s way more important than whatever is going on here. And it’s not like the diamond is the only matter we have to attend to. 73
Officer Stern:
That’s right. This neighborhood is experiencing an extreme shortage of Sunny Delight.
Officer Smart:
There was a sudden spike in consumption of the orange liquid today.
Officer Stern:
It depleted the entire community’s supply.
Officer Smart:
And if THAT wasn’t bad enough, there is also an alarming shortage of tunafish salad.
Officer Stern
Massive deliveries of BOTH Sunny Delight and tuna salad will be arriving at any moment.
Officer Smart:
So we don’t have time for any more baby stuff here in Grade 5.
Officer Stern:
No offense.
STUDENTS:
Offense taken.
Officer Smart:
Our work here is done, Officer Stern.
Officer Stern:
Let’s go look for the thieves. I think they’ll be at Target.
Bonnie:
He’s got taste.
Officer Smart:
And if I’d stolen a diamond, I’d swing by Starbucks and pick myself up a double mocha latte---
Clyde:
order me one too, please.
74
Officer Stern:
And if I’d just stolen a diamond, I’d go to Zales and buy a diamond with the money I got from my diamond.
Encyclopedia:
Why would you buy a diamond when you already HAVE a diamond?
India:
Officers, the thieves are right here. You gotta
Officer Stern:
Kid, I don’t gotta do anything.
Officer Smart:
And I don’t gotta do anything either.
Officer Stern:
Except say good bye to Bonnie and Clyde. That’s just good manners. (The officers shake hands with Bonnie and Clyde.)It was nice to meet you.
Bonnie:
Thank you, officers! This has been great.
Officer Smart:
And may I compliment you on that brilliantly clear sparkling object in your hand, Clyde? It’s stunning.
Clyde:
Er...thanks?
Officer Stern:
Yes, it’s almost blinding. It’s so sparkling. Good day, Mrs. Hepworth. Students---good luck learning your ABCs.
(Just as the officers begin to walk out the door, Commissioner Jones enters. The officers stand back in surprise.) Commissioner Jones: Good day, Officers. Officers:
Commissioner Jones! 75
Commissioner Jones: Officer Smart: Officer Stern:
Thought I’d stop by to see my two best detectives. I’m doing fine, Commissioner Jones. Thanks for asking. I’m feeling pretty good too, Commissioner. My sinuses are acting up. Other than that, I got no complaints. No complaints.
Commissioner Jones: With respect, officers, neither of you hold the rank of detective. I was referring just now to my two favorite detectives on the NYPD: Junior Grade Detective Alexia and Junior Grade Detective Casper. (All gasp) Bonnie:
Those two pipsqueaks work for the cops! I can’t believe it.
Clyde.
It’s incredible. They got on a career track so young. That’s admirable.
Bonnie:
Clyde, FOCUS. It’s not good news that they’re detectives. It’s bad news, very, very bad news.
Commissioner Jones: And why would that be? Casper:
Cause they stole the diamond.
Alexia:
It was them, Commissioner! Their names are Bonnie and Clyde.
Officer Smart:
Impossible. 76
Officer Stern:
They’re so friendly.
Casper:
Look at the context clues: Clyde is holding the diamond in his hand.
(Mrs Tired runs into the room.) Mrs. Tired:
Esta verdad, senor. Yo trabajo por Apex Cleaning Servicios. Bonnie y Clyde robaron el diamante de la museo. Arrestarlos!
(Gymnastia does a cartwheel and grabs the diamond out of Clyde’s hands.) Gymnastia:
I’ll take the diamond, thank you!
Clyde:
Great gymnastics skills!
(Gymnastia hands the diamond to Mrs Hepworth .) Commissioner Jones: Officers, arrest Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie:
Aww, c’mon Commish. We did no harm. You got the diamond back. It’s safe and sound. How about you let us off the hook just this once?
Commissioner Jones: No can do, Bonnie. You’re going away for a very long time. Bonnie:
But----
(Neversit enters in a wheelchair with many helium balloons attached to it.) (Neversit enters in a wheelchair with lots of “get well soon” balloons. ) 77
Neversit:
Make way, make way! They gave me all these cool balloons at the hospital. There are so many of them, I nearly floated away!
Bonnie:
Hey that gives me an idea. I’ll take those balloons, kid.
(BONNIE grabs the balloons.) Bonnie:
These balloons have helium, see? And with my thin and tiny frame, the balloons will carry me through the skies like a hot air balloon. All’s I got to do is steer toward the Bahamas. Then I’m home free!
(She holds onto the balloons and stands by the window. ) Commissioner:
Officers, stop her!
Officer Smart:
There’s a swimming pool in the way.
Officer Stern:
It’s very hard to maneuver around it.
Bonnie:
Bye, Clyde. Sorry it didn’t work out between us. Remember. We’ll always have Ricky’s Bistro.
(She escapes out the window holding on to helium balloons. All run to the window to watch her float away. ) Waiter: (offstage)
the finest bistro in Morris Park!
Encyclopedia:
Amazingly, she really is floating away. The helium in the balloons is holding her up! 78
Pencil Sharpener:
Step aside.
Attensha:
What are you doing? Mrs. Hepworth! PencilSharpener is throwing pencils out the window. That’s a waste of school materials, Mrs Hepworth!
Mrs. Hepworth:
Stop that at once, Pencil Sharpener!
Pencil Sharpener:
You all complain about me sharpening pencils. Just watch them come in handy.
Encyclopedia:
He’s throwing the sharpened pencils like darts!
Coughalot:
And he’s aiming for the helium balloons! (cough)
Neversit:
And the sharp pencil points are popping the balloons!
Encyclopedia:
As more and more balloons are popped, gravity is slowly pulling Bonnie down toward the Earth.
Attensha:
Now, she’s descending along Bronxdale Avenue.
Bonnie: (from off-stage)
Save me, Clyde! We’re in this together, remember?
Clyde:
I got you, Bonnie. Flap your wings or something. Try to stay airbound until I catch up.
Officer Smart:
You’re not going anywhere, Clyde. We’re here to arrest you.
Clyde:
That’s what you think. I’m gonna use my creative problem solving skills. See? I got a kettle bell, a 79
swimming pool, a moldy pear, a framed love letter from Taylor Swift and an Oscar Award. Watch me use all of them to make my clean get away. Officer Stern:
It’s no use, Clyde. We’ve got you surrounded.
Clyde:
Do you like Taylor Swift?
Officer Smart:
Sure.
Officer Stern:
Who doesn’t?
Clyde:
Well, while you like Taylor Swift….Taylor Swift likes a kid in this class. She likes Snoozana.
Snoozana:
What can I say?
Officer Smart:
No way! He’s just in 5th grade.
Officer Stern:
It’s a trick. He’s making this up to distract us.
Clyde:
Don’t believe me? Just check out this framed letter signed by Tay-Tay herself.
(Clyde hands the officers the framed letter). (The officers look hard at the framed letter while Clyde sneaks to the window, pulling the kettle bell with him.) Officer Stern:
Taylor wrote to you, Snoozana?
Officer Smart: (looking at the photo)
How did you meet her? 80
(The officers get in deep conversation with Snoozana) Commissioner:
Officers, focus up! You’ve got to arrest Clyde!
(Clyde pulls the swimming pool toward the window.) Clyde:
It’s no use trying to get their attention, Commish. You can’t fight the power of Tay-tay.
Encyclopedia:
I’m afraid that’s scientifically accurate. Nobody can fight the power of Tay-tay.
Commissioner:
You might be able to distract them, Clyde, but you can’t distract me. I’m the Commish.
Clyde:
Oh yeah? Listen and learn.
(Clyde grabs the Oscar Award and impersonates a person at the ceremony. ) Clyde:
And the Oscar Award for best dramatic entrance at a 5th Grade mystery goes to ….drum roll please…
(ALL create a drum roll while CLYDE pretends to open an envelope.) Clyde:
(as if reading the winner) Commissioner Jones! For his cool and stylish entrance into this room five minutes ago.
Students:
HURRAY (they clap)
Principal Beetrot (wiping her eyes) :
It’s so deserved! 81
Mrs. Hepworth:
You earned it! You earned it!
Commissioner:
Who? Me?
(He accepts the Oscar award. As he talks, Clyde begins to make his escape outside the window.) Commissioner:
This is a shock. This is unbelievable! I can’t believe this, you guys! I am totally unprepared. I didn’t write a speech or anything.
Principal:
Just speak from your heart, Commissioner. Speak from your heart!
Commissioner:
Okay, well, I’m going to have to wing it.
Clyde:
And while he’s winging it, I’ll be winging it too---winging it away from here.
Commissioner:
I’d like to thank my parents….
Clyde:
First, I’m going to take this swimming pool
Commissioner:
who showed me how to enter a room
Clyde:
I’ve always wanted a swimming pool
Commissioner:
and showed me how to walk out of a room.
All:
Aw!!!!
Clyde:
And I’m gonna take this kettle bell because I really need to start working out. 82
Bonnie:
Clyde hurry! I’m about to crash!
Commissioner:
And I want to thank my wife ...
Clyde:
And I’m gonna take this moldy pear in case I need a snack.
Commissioner:
...for walking into and out of many rooms with me for the past 20 years.
All:
Aw!!!!
Clyde:
Now, I’ve got all the fixings for a sailboat. I’ve got a pool filled with water. And I just got to fashion a sail with tissues.
Commissioner:
As a kid growing up in the Bronx, I always knew that in order to be IN a room, you had to first enter it.
Attensha:
That’s so profound!
Clyde:
Except there are no tissues. I guess I’ll just use the used ones in the garbage can. Like I said, I’m a creative problem solver.
Commissioner:
So I got really good at walking into rooms.
All:
Uh-huh?
Clyde:
Now I’ve got a sticky sail made up of used tissues. All’s I got to do now is push the swimming pool out the window and hope for a breeze to carry me forward. 83
Commissioner:
And I got even better at walking through rooms.
All:
Wow!
Commissioner:
So that I could walk into the next room.
All:
Oh!
Mrs Hepworth:
This is so moving. (starts sobbing)
Coughalot:
(starts to cough)
Principal Beetrot:
Silence your cough. You’re ruining the speech.
Hachooni:
HACHOO! HACHOO!
Mrs Hepworth:
We can’t hear the Commissioner above your coughing and sneezing.
Tishoe:
Hachoo! Hachoo!
Principal Beetrot:
Coughalot, Hachooni and Tishoe---stand by the window and cough and sneeze out of it. At least that way, you won’t disturb this brilliant speech.
Clyde:
Well I wish I could stay for the whole speech but it’s time for me to make my getaway. Adios amigos!
(HACHOONI and TISHOE sneeze over and over again out the window, COUGHALOT coughs out the window over and over again). Clyde:
Thanks for the breeze! 84
Encyclopedia:
Clyde’s getting away!
Commissioner:
What?
Alexia:
He made a sailboat out of the swimming pool and a sail made of used tissues.
Neversit:
That’s both gross AND effective.
Casper:
Gravity should have made him fall straight down but he’s soaring through the sky. How is that possible?
Encyclopedia:
It’s the force of Hachooni and Tishoe’s sneezes combined with Coughalot’s cough. By repeatedly sneezing and coughing out the window, they have created a wind current that is carrying Clyde through the air towards Bronxdale Avenue. He is literally sailing on the wind created by their coughs and sneezes!
Alexia:
He’s headed toward Bonnie who’s stalled at the intersection of Morris Park Avenue.
Gymnastia:
He is beginning to descend.
Encyclopedia:
As he moves further and further away from the source of the sneezes and coughs
Coughalot, Hachooni and Tishoe: That’s us! (cough, sneeze, cough) Encyclopedia:
He will slowly descend until he lands on -----
85
Casper:
Look out! There’s a giant Sunny Delight truck headed his way.
Alexia:
And there’s a giant tunafish salad truck headed in the opposite direction
Gymnastia:
They’re gonna crash!
(sound effect of two trucks crashing) Attensha: India:
Bonnie (off-stage):
Now all the tunafish salad has spilled onto the street. And the Sunny D is pouring into the street together. It’s a tsunami of SunnyD Gross!
Gymnastia:
It’s creating a river of sunny delight flowing down Morris Park Avenue.
Clyde (off-stage) :
Save us!
Casper:
And Bonnie and Clyde are in the swimming pool floating away on an endless stream of Sunny Delight.
Bonnie and Clyde: (from off stage)
Mixed with tunafish salad.
Clyde: (from off-stage) Please arrest us and end this nightmare. Commissioner:
Officers, follow Bonnie and Clyde on that river of Sunny D
Officers:
and tuna salad 86
Commissioner:
Until you catch up to them. Then arrest them and take them in for questioning.
Officers:
Do we have to?
Commissioner:
Yes, that’s an order.
Officers:
But Commish, it’s tuna salad.
Officer Stern:
It smells!
Commissioner:
Go! Right now!
Officer Smart:
Can we take the letter from Taylor Swift with us?
Officer Stern:
It will give us strength for what lies ahead.
Snoozana:
Are you kidding? Of course not!
Commissioner:
Leave!
Officers: (reluctantly)
Yes, Commissioner
(The officers leave. ) Loud Speaker:
Attention, everyone. Attention, everyone. This is the main office. There is a disgusting smell pervading the neighborhood. The smell is coming from outside of the building. I repeat, the smell is coming from outside the building.
87
Encyclopedia:
As the citric juices break down the enzymes in the tunafish, they release an odor worse even than a rotten egg! And ten times as powerful.
Loud Speaker:
Keep your windows closed, I repeat. keep your windows closed!
Commissioner:
Well, our work here is done. We’ve recovered the diamond.
(Mrs Hepworth hands it to Commissioner.) Commissioner:
And with any luck, our officers are about to apprehend Bonnie and Clyde. Casper and Alexia, you’ve done a magnificent job yet again.
Casper:
Thanks Commissioner, but we had a lot of help.
Alexia:
That’s right. Everyone in our class helped solve the mystery.
Mrs. Hepworth:
And maybe now, we can finally get back to our lesson?
Principal Beetrot:
That sounds good to me.
Mrs. Hepworth:
Students, take out your reading notebooks.
(Suddenly the sound of a helicopter descending on the roof can be heard.) Commissioner:
Wait-Is that a helicopter?
Principal Beetrot:
It sounds like it’s landing on the roof! 88
Mrs Hepworth:
Are more bad guys coming?
Mrs Tired:
Malos chicos?
India: (embarassed)
Ummmm, it’s probably just. ..
(A king and queen with crowns on their heads enter the room.) King and Queen: (to India)
Hello, darling!
India:
My parents.
King:
India, darling, we’ve come to pick you up from school.
India:
This is so embarrassing.
Alexia:
You told us you were about to be rich.
Casper:
You never told us that you were royalty.
Queen:
It all happened so suddenly.
King:
My uncle, the King of Barbadia
Queen:
a small island kingdom between Jamaica
India:
and Barbados
King:
My uncle suddenly decided to step down as King
India:
and he gave my Dad the throne. 89
Queen:
One day we’re a normal family in Manhattan
King:
and the next we are the royal family of Barbadia.
Casper:
But why did you have to move to the Bronx?
King:
Until our security was established, we were in danger in Manhattan.
Queen:
So we had to hide out here for a week for our own safety.
Alexia:
But you’ve only been in the Bronx for one day.
King:
Due to the terrible stench of tunafish and Sunny D emanating from the crash of the two trucks, our security arrangements have been accelerated.
Queen:
And we are free to leave at once. Off we go to our island kingdom!
India:
Mom and Dad, I don’t want to leave so soon. When I arrived here this morning, I told my class not to fall in love with me. But the truth is I’ve kind of fallen in love with all of them.
ALL:
Aw!!!
India:
Do we really have to leave so soon?
King:
I am afraid so---but our helicopter has room for thirty people. If your principal and teacher are willing, we could take everyone on a two week vacation to 90
Barbadia. You would stay as guests in the royal palace and have the run of the royal kingdom from the sugar sandy beaches to the crystal clear waters, Queen:
to the lovely peach tree groves
India:
to the glorious palm trees.
Coughalot:
That would be great for my cough.
Hachooni and Tishoe: And for our stuffed noses. Gymnastia:
I could practice gymnastics on the sand.
NeverSit:
I would never have to sit and could move around all I want.
Encyclopedia:
I could become an expert on Barbadia
Attensha:
And I could get all the attention that I crave
Alexia and Casper:
We could take a break from solving mysteries.
Snoozana:
And I could get a good night’s sleep.
PencilSharpener:
I could sharpen pencils on the beach!
BetterLate:
And I could break my video game addiction.
Principal Beetrot:
Ordinarily, it would be out of the question, but after all the excitement of today, I believe that a few weeks in Barbadia would just be the thing for the students and for Mrs. Hepworth. Of course I would insist on 91
accompanying you all to paradise ….so that I could supervise. Queen:
Of course. We would love to have you in our island kingdom, Principal Beetrot.
Commissioner:
And I would insist on coming to paradise as well… just to ensure the security of the children and these fine educators.
Mrs Tired:
Yo puedo venir tambien? Trabajo mucho. Estoy cansado.
Queen:
Claro que si. Of course you may both come.
Loud Speaker:
Excuse the interruption. Excuse the interruption. King and Queen of Barbadia, this is the lady in the main office. Can I come on the trip too? The tunafish-Sunny D stench is really hard to take and it promises to linger for a long time. I sure could use a trip to paradise right about now.
King:
You are most welcome, Lady in the Main Office. And now all that remains is for us to board the helicopter and depart for the kingdom of Barbadia!
Students:
Hurray!
(All exit in high spirits, giving each other high fives. The room is empty. After a few moments, Bathroom Breke enters the classroom). Bathroom Breke:
I’m back from my bathroom break, Mrs Hepworth. 92
(He looks around. ) Bathroom Breke:
I wonder where everyone went. (pause) They probably went to the science lab. (pause). Gee, I have it good. You have to hand it to me. While the others are working hard, I’m on an endless bathroom break. They’re probably toiling away in science, conducting difficult experiments and here I am just taking it easy…..They probably have had the most boring day ever, and I’ve had all the excitement of hanging out in the bathroom for hours at a time. I really know how to live. Well, I guess I’ll just take another bathroom break.
(Bathroom Breke goes to the sign out book.) Bathroom Breke:
But how do I sign out if I never signed back in? How do I sign out if I never signed back in?
(He looks off in the distance, confused. CURTAIN. END OF PLAY)
93
94