LeftLion Magazine - December 2009 - Issue 32

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leftlion.co.uk/issue32

contents

editorial

LeftLion Magazine Issue 32 December 2009 - January 2010

Ducks and youths,

Well. That was a right batchy decade, wan’t it? If someone had told me in 1999 that I’d see planes crashing into skyscrapers live on the telly, Forest in Division Three, Saddam Hussein dangling off a noose, trams back in town, a massive war, the manager of England taking a job at Notts County, the bent election of an American moron, and my dear home town being seen as the most violent, deprived, horrible city in the world, I’d have said; “Yeah, worrever, duck - got any Lottery results, then?’

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07 Contain Notts 04 May The news diary that goes around thinking it’s summat

05 LeftEyeOn A 10p mix of eye-duddoos from our squadron of snappers Lenton Boulevardier 07 The Sat Bains gets the chip pan on for us

Canadian In New Basford 08 ARob’s seasonal decade-long message

Noughty Notts 11 The Your complete-ish guide to the last

decade in the City of Snot, with a cast of thousands

Hunks of Nottingham 15 The Ladies: Christmas comes early with

twelve whole months of prime East Midlands beefcake

Profiles 18 Artist Introducing White Rabbit Studios

Viva Johnny Vegas 20 The Monkey King returns to Notts

Le Donk On It 10 Put Nottingham’s most flammable

lyricist is back

Listings 21 Event

Looking for an excuse to avoid your

minging work Xmas party? Get-out clauses aplenty here

11 Lion 26 Write ‘Nuff book reviews this ish, The

Colour of Blood, Cello & Other Stories, Staple 71: The Art Issue, Aztec Love Song, No Way to Say Goodbye and The Girlfriend Experience

Reviews 27 Music Captain Dangerous, EmceeKilla, Felix,

Red Shoe Diaries, Royal Gala, The Death Notes and more

28 Noshingham Sink your tegs into our brand-new food

page

Trumps 30 Notts Plus The Arthole, LeftLion Abroad and

Rocky Horrorscopes

credits Editor in Chief Jared Wilson (jared@leftlion.co.uk)

Photography Editor Dominic Henry (dom@leftlion.co.uk)

Editor Al Needham (nishlord@leftlion.co.uk)

Theatre Editor Adrian Bhagat (adrian@leftlion.co.uk)

Technical Director Alan Gilby (alan@leftlion.co.uk)

Contributors Andy Afford Rob Cutforth Bod Fonda Duncan Heath Beane Noodler Aly Stoneman Nik Storey Jack Tunnecliff Lauren Walker Bianca Winter

Sub-Editors Alison Emm (ali@leftlion.co.uk) Charlotte Kingsbury (charlotte@leftlion.co.uk) Nathan Miller (njm@leftlion.co.uk) Art Director David Blenkey (reason@leftlion.co.uk) Marketing and Sales Manager Ben Hacking (ben@leftlion.co.uk) Art Editor Frances Ashton (frances@leftlion.co.uk) Literature Editor James Walker (books@leftlion.co.uk) Music Editor Paul Klotschkow (paulk@leftlion.co.uk)

Illustrators Ash Dilks Rikki Marr Rob White Photographers David Baird Geoff Curtis Jonathan Hart Chris J.H. Christine Preedy Lewis Stainer Bob Watt

Want to advertise in our pages? Email sales@leftlion.co.uk or phone Ben on 07984 275453 or visit leftlion.co.uk/advertise

Podcast crew Paul Abbott Timmy Bates Rosa Brough Will Forrest Jon Hall Dan Hardy Christopher Hough Stuart Rogers Oli Ward Jim Wheatley LeftLion.co.uk received over ten million page views during the last year. This magazine has an estimated readership of 40,000 people and is distributed to over 300 venues across the city of Nottingham.

If your venue isn’t one of them, please contact Ben on 07984 275453 or email ben@leftlion.co.uk.

This magazine is printed on paper sourced from sustainable forests. Our printers are ISO 14001 certified by the British Accreditation Bureau for their environmental management system.

Anyway, like every other mag (apart from the nudey ones), we’re devoting a hefty chunk of this issue to take a look back at the noughties - a distinctly Nottular take encrusted with the downright proper artwork of LeftLion fave Rob White. Don’t expect any rammell about global warming or Jade Goody, however – we only bother with the crucial issues of the day, such as Emo-baiting, people being unable to pull their trousers up, and – after years of trying to pin him down - a very special interview with the one and only Slanty N. It’s not all reminiscing, though; there’s summat for everyone in this issue, whether you like your snap (we’ve got a brand-new food section near the back, as well as a natter with Sat Bains), your tunes (courtesy of the indomitable Scorzayzee), or your culture (courtesy of everything else in the mag). Plus, if you’re the kind of person who constantly thinks to yourself ‘Hey, I have endless sexual fantasies about the massive goose on the traffic island and the Gordon Scott Monkey – when is LeftLion going to cater to my needs?’ then stop whittling; the one and only Rikki Marr has done us a special erotic calendar, thick with the masculine musk of Nottingham.

Without going all Xmas-lettery on you (we’ll leave that job to our very own pet Canadian, Rob Cutforth), 2009 has been dead kind to LeftLion. Not only did we pull off a blinding all-dayer across the whole of Canning Circus, but we also won the Writing and Publishing gong at the Nottingham Creative Business awards last month, which has made our Mams right praahd on us. On behalf of everyone here at the ‘Lion, I’d like to thank everyone who has ever put themselves out for our mag, website and events, all the advertisers who have kept us going for six years, and all our readers. And my stylist. And lovely Nottingham God. Word to your Nana.

Al Needham nishlord@leftlion.co.uk

Poddingham

LeftLion’s podcast of plenty Poddingham is a monthly mix of tunes and chat from musicians, artists, writers - everyone creative. It’s hosted

by Paul, who’s dabbled in sculpting, video production and was the in-house DJ at the old Virgin Megastore, as well as a community radio veteran. He’s currently extremely overexcited at the awesome musical and artistic vitality of Notts. leftlion.co.uk/podcasts

Alison Emm

LeftLion’s Guardian Angel If it wasn’t for Ali, you would probably be reading a beer mat instead of Nottingham’s skillest publication right about now. What does she do? Everything – from keeping an eye on the accounts to an endless string of film reviews, helping out on the crappier jobs and creating a massive Slanty N to spitting on a hanky and wiping our chatty faces when necessary. She’s also a dab hand at making things, including a range of charming stuffed elephants that are available for sale in Kathleen and Lily’s on Mansfield Road for a mere fifteen pounds – the perfect Xmas gift for those who like elephants, but don’t have the house room for a proper one. www.leftlion.co.uk/issue31

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The forgotten areas of Nottingham Everybody knows where St Anns, Radford, Meadows, Sherwood and Basford are. But there are some places which don’t seem to be officially recognised. I’ve been compiling a list of these: Whitemoor, Killisick, Lenton Abbey, Balloon Wood.

Stillman

MAY CONTAIN NOTTS with Nottingham’s ‘Mr. Sex’, Al Needham

October 2009 - November 2009

I have only ever been to Silverdale once, and that was only recently. Where the hell has that place been hiding? christmasatthezoo There’s a little row of shops on Mansfield Road and every one has the name of the area it thinks it’s in as part of the name. None of them agree on what the area is, though: Woodthorpe Tandoori, Sherwood Dental Laboratory and Arnold something-or-other. cheque Not forgotten but confusingly defined are Carrington, Mapperley/ Mapperley Park/ Mapperley Top and Forest Fields/Hyson Green.

Nutty Sis The Mapperley thing isn’t confusing at all.

Mapperley Park is all the big houses, trees, speed bumps and vol-au-vents. Mapperley Top is on top of a hill and Mapperley is like God’s own halfpipe.

But hold on... Where the eff is Thorneywood? myhouse-yourhouse Thorneywood is arguably those that don’t want to call themselves St Anns. Basically at the top of Donkey Hill and over between Porchester Road and Carlton Hill - including the Marmian road estate.

Timmy Conservative government?

I seriously cannot hack the idea of seeing Cameron’s smug, privileged face oozing out of every newspaper and TV screen the morning after the victory.

Haych I know people are saying it’s a certainty, but it’s not over ‘til its over.

Samyouwell I think it’s almost certainly going to be a very solid Tory win, through weakness of and indifference to the opposition as much as anything else. transmetropolitan Hey kids don’t worry, nice cuddly Uncle David is going to tell us all how he’s going to mend Broken Britain. That’s after he has thought a bit more about taking people’s benefits off them.

Sparrow It defies belief to me that anyone who lived through the Thatcher and Major years (unless they are extremely rich) could dream of voting Tory.

Rob Sohostrut Yeah, I’m probably gonna emigrate.

Cookpassbabtridge

21 September Libertys, the very cradle of binge-drink Britain you’ll recall, – turns itself into a massive Flaming Lamborghini. Some say it was burned down: I prefer to the use the term ‘purified’.

23 September Sol Campbell plays one game for Notts County before bailing. From now on, the measurement of an hour and a half in Nottingham shall now always be referred to as ‘Sol’s Career at County’. “The train to Loughborough is now delayed by Sol’s Career at County”. “See you in the pub in Sol’s Career at County”.

“I’m not coming in today, boss - I’ve been on the bog for Sol’s Career at County” 24 September And every 90 minutes, the clock in Viccy Centre will spark into life, and the figure of an ex-England player will come out, dragging a suitcase of money behind him.

30 September Goose Fair. Fashionable bit of mank of the year: Kanye West glasses with flashing lights, which makes the wearer experience the sensation of being an epileptic Dalek the morning after a crack binge - yours for £3. Price of peas: up to £1.50.

3 October The inaugural LeftLion Circus Extravaganza festival; bands, writers, artists and zombies danced in the street to Thriller. Yeah, I know you can see the last element in Re-Flex every Saturday night, but with less violence.

15 October The English Defence League: sounds like a load of role-players who lob handfuls of 48-sided dice and say things like “Plus four, with my Cloak of Friendlessness”, don’t they? Actually, they’re the danglings of clag from the very arsehole of humanity who announce plans to defend England in the Old Market Square on 5 December. At the same time as a gathering of people who will be making wanker signs at them, the Forest-Leicester match, a march by some soldiers back from Afghanistan, a German Market, and a bleddy massive outdoor ice rink. All we need now is a herd of rampaging circus animals, and a great day out is assured.

16 October The weigh-in for the Carl Froch vs Andre Dirrell fight occurs in the Market Square, witnessed by sportsmanlike locals who take the opportunity to boo and chelp at Americans. Then a boxer on the undercard from Derby rolls up and is subjected to the kind of abuse Roland Browning took from Gripper Stebson during the imperial phase of Grange Hill. Fact: if the only person who could save us from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse came from Derby, people in Notts would stand on their rooftops and bellow; “KILL ‘IM! RUN ‘IM OVVER WI’ YER OSSES!”

The Big Fist

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The official greeting of the noughties, the Big Fist’s origins lie with black soldiers in Vietnam – but it was quickly adopted by males of all races who were terrified at the thought of actually holding another man’s hand, as if they wanted to have bumhole love with them. A de facto projection of masculinity and strength, the Big Fist slightly let itself down when more then two people were involved; it looked like three coke dealers from St Anns were playing OnePotato Two-Potato Three-Potato Four outside a kebab shop on Mansfield Road.

20 October A 17 year-old mongling from Beeston and his Dad get done for nicking the stereo from the house of the former’s girlfriend, after they had a row. Dad was also caught brandishing an iron bar and a drill bit. What kind of wussery is this? “Dad! Dad! Sharon’s split up wi’ meh! Beat ‘er Dad up and nick us summat, Dad! Pleeeeeeeease!”

21 October Jongleurs, the place where assorted stand-up comedians who want to be doing beer adverts instead say the same thing to different groups of students and people trapped in the nightmare of team-building work dos who couldn’t get booked into the bowling alley for a Hawaiian Night, shuts down.

28 October Game City – the annual event where the Square turns itself into a massive spod’s living room, minus the Star Wars figures (and plus girls) – culminates with the announcement that renowned games designer Keita Takahashi is going to create a huge and possibly quite mental playground in Woodthorpe Park. This will be the first videogames/public architecture project in Nottingham since the mid-70s, when the redevelopment of the Meadows was based exactly on the layout of Pac-Man. 5 November It’s Bonfire Night on the Forest. Negligent mothers with prams.

Assorted screw-faced young offenders. Dickheads who think that being wedged in a massive crowd is the perfect spot to wave sparklers about. All watching our Council Tax money going; “WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!” and “KRRRRRSSSSHHHH!” But bleddy hell fire, Council – did we really need to have another fair on the Forest about five minutes after Goosey? Is there a department in the Council House that looks for opportunities to lob pirate ships onto the Forest? “Caribbean Carnival…put the fair on…Under 12s football match…put the fair on…there’s a bloke walking his dog on Tuesday morning! Quick! PUT THE FAIR ON!” 12 November Viccy Centre has its own Gold-for-Cash stall. It’s mint. You get to see people who spent £750 on rope chains with crucifixes that would make Run-DMC say “Ooh, no actually – bit too gaudy for me” find out that it’s only worth fifty quid. It’s like every classic incident in The Antiques Roadshow, right in front of your face.

20 November Gordon Brown and his cabinet come to Notts – ostensibly for a massive cabinet meeting in Albert Hall, but let’s not be fooled: they were obviously on a big stag do. I have it on good authority that Gordon Brown was seen putting himself about in a French Maid outfit in Yates, Harriet Harman vomited into her pink cowboy hat when she was refused entry to Flares and Jack Straw was spotted staggering up Mansfield Road at 3am asking if anyone had any ciggies ‘for a draw’.

A Steak Bake from the 24hour Greggs

We were promised hoverboots, spangly all-in-one catsuits and three-course meals in a pill this decade, but something even better happened; the opportunity to buy three Steak Bakes and a cake in the shape of a cat’s head at 3am, from a shop protected by bouncers, as if it were the only baker’s shop in Mad Max. Only three cities in the country can deliver this sort of quality dining experience. None of them are Derby or Leicester. Ha!

LeftEyeOn

leftlion.co.uk/lefteyeon

What’s been going off round Notts recently, according to our local camera talent...

Captions - left to right from the top Them and Us 1000 climate protestors descended upon the local coal power station at Ratcliffe-on-Soar between 17-19 October.

Scuffles with police resulted in 56 arrests and numerous injuries as they attempted to force entrance.

(Lewis Stainer / Flickr: lewisphotography86) The Specials The two-tone legends filled Rock City with tear-struck middle-aged rudeys who had waited 30 years to see them in town on 21-22 November, producing the undisputed gigs of the year in Nottingham. (David Baird) Jack Straw The Justice Secretary meets Ste Allan of Dealmaker Records outside the Albert Hall, during the cabinet’s regional awayday on 20 November 20. (Chris J.H.) Critical Beatdown Live zombie percussion outside Shop as part of the LeftLion Circus Extravaganza, held across Canning Circus venues on 3 October. (Dom Henry / Flickr: domhenry) In loving memory of my Dad Nottingham remembers the fallen on Remembrance Sunday at the City War Memorial, down on the Victoria Embankment. (Geoff Curtis / Flickr: n55ffc)

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

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Illustration copyright © Tomi Ungerer and Diogenes Verlag AG Zürich

Christmas at Lakeside Lakeside presents

He may be flat, but he’s a hero!

Stanley Lambchop was a normal healthy boy until a notice board fell on him! Now he’s only half an inch thick...

Join Stanley and his brother on their adventures at Christmas time!

27 NOVEMBER - 3 JANUARY LAKESIDE ARTS CENTRE ALL TICKETS £7 BOX OFFICE 0115 846 7777 INFORMATION WWW.LAKESIDEARTS.ORG.UK

Suitable for ages 3+ and their families Based on the story by Jeff Brown Adapted for the stage by Mike Kenny

The Lenton Boulevardier

Words: Al Needham Photos: Dominic Henry

Sat Bains holds the only Michelin star in Notts and has been described as the most wildly inventive chef to emerge from Britain since Heston Blumenthal. He drags in gourmets from all over the country to a shed in Lenton to sample his extraordinarily British take on Modern French cuisine. He may also be coming to the Lace Market soon…

Nice place you’ve got here, Sat. Tell us about it…

Well, it’s in a very obscure location under a flyover and a pylon.

I love it. Years ago when I was working at Jesse’s restaurant, which used to be the original Jesse Boots in Hockley, I said to the owner that I’d love to be the first Nottingham chef to have a Michelin star restaurant - and I’d like it to be in a shed, so that it would be the food that drove everyone there. I’ve not done half bad, I think. Because it’s an obscure location, it allows me to be a little bit more creative with the food; if I was in the city it would have to be a bit more mainstream.

How long have you lived in Notts?

I’m originally from Derby. Being from the East Midlands is something I’m very proud of. Nottingham’s my home now, my wife is from here. This region is very rich with cuisine, the whole middle of the country is. I’ve worked for a small amount of time in London, a little bit in France - but I was always going to come back.

Why? I never wanted a restaurant in a big city like London. I always wanted a locality that had a bit of heritage and was rich with culture but also where my food will excite people and make them travel. I go to London quite a lot to eat and it’s some of the most boring food in the country because it’s easy - everyone’s on your doorstep, so you haven’t got to try. We have to try here, every single week, to get people to come down that lane.

You’ve done quite a bit of TV work. Is that something you’re keen to do more of?

I did The Great British Menu and gained massive exposure but I never really wanted a TV career. This is what I do (chops goose in half). I’m a chef. The other TV chefs are earning a living and I can’t really knock them - that’s their choice and you’ve got to respect them.

Everyone’s into locally-sourced produce these days. What’s your policy?

I’ve got about 175 suppliers for this restaurant and probably about 160 of them are British. We use things that are very much in season - like our asparagus, which only has a six-week season in this country, rather than getting it from Peru or wherever.

There’s nothing worse than seeing strawberries in supermarkets in winter, when we all know that English strawberries are fantastic and incomparable to any in the rest of the world.

What’s your favourite ingredient?

I’ll be honest, I haven’t really got one. I love everything. It could be a pilchard or it could be a lobster or a truffle or it could be

macaroni cheese. If it’s done well, it’s incredible. That’s what I love about food; it doesn’t matter what level it’s cooked at, whether it’s Michelin star or no Michelin star - if it’s cooked well then it’s delicious.

You’re one of the pricier restaurants in Notts. What makes your place better than, say, somewhere that charges twenty quid a head?

Ingredients. We buy some of the most expensive ingredients in Britain; we pay top dollar. Our venison will cost anything from £20 per kilo, because it’s the best. Our fish will cost anything from £16 per kilo, because it’s the best. Hopefully the customer will appreciate that. They’re also paying for skilled man-hours.

We are giving you something elevated - there’s nothing wrong with simple food that’s done really well, but the skill level elsewhere is lower. I’ve got seven chefs in here producing some of the finest food in Britain.

“I never wanted a restaurant in a big city like London. I always wanted a locality that had a bit of heritage and was rich with culture but also where my food will excite people and make them travel” We’ve seen a lot of very good restaurants in Notts go to the wall this year. Do you worry about the recession?

Oh, you’ve got to worry. It’s the only recession I’ve ever had a business in, so I’m obviously concerned – but it makes you a little bit more aggressive in your business model. I think the key to survival is offering a bit more of yourself to your guests; you raise your customer service skills because they want to remember the experience even more.

Do you think Nottingham has too many restaurants?

No. There’s a good diverse range in town and with a lot of choice. I don’t like seeing restaurants close, put it that way - it depresses me, because you want Nottingham to be a vibrant city and sustain itself. Even though there’s a recession on, people in Nottingham are still supporting their restaurants

One of the general perceptions about chefs is that they’re horrible bastards to their staff. Is that a cliché?

Ask ‘em, they’re all here…

Is he a bastard to you, mate?

Chef: No, he isn’t.

Sat: Ha! You’re after more money, you are! I’m not paying you any more! Nah, it’s a cliché - if you were, you wouldn’t have any staff.

What role does your wife play in the running of the business?

She’s the gaffer, I’d be stupid not to say that. She looks after the whole thing; she’s the GM, she’s the director, she looks after the whole of the front of house staff. She oversees everything front of house, I oversee everything back of house. She allows me to keep the eye on the ball and focus on what I’m best at.

Future plans?

Well, we’re looking at a site in town to do something really, really exciting. It’s going to be nice and relaxed and accessible to a lot of people. The food in here is very high-end and special occasion, and we want to take that to a larger audience. Because I love food, I don’t think there should have to be a hierarchy. You should cook with a bit of love, a bit of skill and technique - on a par with the best things you’ve ever tasted. I like the Lace Market, it’s a nice area with a lot of footfall. We’d fit in well there.

If you could make punters change one thing to improve the quality of the food they eat, what would it be?

Source your ingredients better. The less food miles ingredients have done, the fresher it is; you will actually taste the difference.

You don’t have to go to great lengths, the Farmer’s Market is in the Square every two weeks and it’s a great way to get some really good butter, meat and fish that you wouldn’t get in the supermarkets - proper old school shopping.

You’re on Death Row, and can request a last meal. What is it?

I love my Mum’s samosas. A dozen samosas and a pint of milk.

Brilliant.

Restaurant Sat Bains with rooms is on Lenton Lane. restaurantsatbains.com Check out our new food reviews section on page 26

What are your favourite nosheries in town?

I love Cumin on Maid Marian Way and Wagamamas - I went for a quick bowl of soup there the other week and felt absolutely invigorated. Takeaways? It depends... it could be Pizza Express or Midhuna, a really good Punjabi curry. I love MemSaab, I miss my Mum’s cooking and it’s the closest I can get to it. www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

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Our Rob looks back upon the entire decade with a special personal letter to everyone who reads LeftLion. And if he doesn’t get a card off you, Baby Jesus will cry...

Dearest Reader, If there is anything better than receiving those yearly family Christmas letters, then I don’t know what it is. Why, who doesn’t want to hear about how Aunt Sally’s dog came through ass surgery, or how Uncle Frank’s kidney stone issues have sorted themselves out, or especially how cousin Jimmy just got a new job making twenty grand a year more than you do, even though he was born the same year you finished Uni? Christmas letters are great. Aunt Sally certainly isn’t writing to you to remind you how crappy your life is - she’s just keeping you up to date on her family’s exciting and fruitful lives! I’ve certainly had an exciting and fruitful life, so I thought I would write you a decade’s worth of Christmas letters, all in one. Aren’t I just the most thoughtful person in the world?

Boy, what a decade it’s been! I married myself a nice English girl, quit smoking, bought my first house and I finally completed the two college diplomas I’d been working on for years. And that was just 2000! After a few years of living in Canada, my wife and I didn’t think our lives were thrilling enough, so we decided to move to England. We were young, we didn’t have kids, England doesn’t get cold winters and, gee whiz, won’t my friends think I am so cool and worldly when I come back with an English accent? Pip pip, Guv’nor! Chim chim cheroo!

We sold the house in Calgary and moved across the pond. Sure, there was a housing boom just after we sold, and Canadian money was worth as much as Aunt Sally’s dog’s ass-bandages than actual money - but hey ho, a little problem like that wasn’t going to stop two dynamos like us. We moved over anyway and bought a house with money borrowed from the in-laws. Fortunately since then, there’s been a mortgage crisis and the price of our house has dropped to the point where we are in negative equity. So really, it’s like they never gave us any money at all!

Being a homeowner may be a big responsibility, but this is an English semidetached home. It’s made of brick and concrete! Not that flimsy vinyl, chipboard and fibreglass my condo back home was made of. English houses are the ones the third Little Pig would’ve built. He’d be

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sitting in front of his fire smoking his pipe while the Big Bad Wolf disemboweled his foolish colonial brothers in their houses of sticks and straw. In the four years we’ve owned the house, we’ve only had a few small problems. The fence blew down, a pipe burst and flooded the front room, the boiler crapped out, the sewage pipe broke and backed up, the roof’s caving in and the walls are as damp as Bruce Forsyth’s underpants.

Luckily, English contractors are so reliable and skilled! We only had serious problems with just over half of the ones we had to deal with. You would’ve thought that the house issues would’ve been spotted by our surveyor wouldn’t you? I’m sure he did his best though, I mean, he only charged us a grand for a whole afternoon’s work. Peanuts, really. We should be happy he showed up at all.

The latter part of the decade was even better than the beginning. There were a few years there when we were too stable. Our jobs were secure, we ate out, we went to the pub and we made pension contributions. It bored us to tears. Thankfully in 2008, we were both relieved of our mundane nine-to-fives thanks to that silly old Credit Crunch. Even better for my wife, marketing was the last thing any company wanted to pay for when they were laying people off, so she didn’t work for months. Not having any money meant she could spend her ‘career break’ at home watching daytime TV and eating as many bon-bons as she wanted. She wasn’t burdened by the problems most women experience, like having to decide what shoes to buy or where she should go for drinks on a Friday night. She couldn’t afford to do anything. Her life was completely simplified and stress-free. She totally didn’t feel like a stir-crazed loser - in fact, she was an absolute delight to be around.

I didn’t view my being made redundant as a setback either; it was an opportunity in disguise! I picked myself up, created my own business, did a couple of contracts, shut the business down, accepted more money from the in-laws and took on a part-time job. All the extra spare time allowed me to write a number of sitcoms and send them off to producers. None of the scripts were picked up, of course; in fact no-one got back to me at all, but it was a fun exercise nonetheless.

If there is one thing my wife and I are not, it’s traditionalists; so, it was with this in mind that last Christmas we suggested to her family that we forego the grossly capitalist Christmas tradition of exchanging gifts. The festive season should be about family, not frivolous and boringly bourgeois conventions forced upon us by society. Together we will stick it to The Man, yeah!

It was totally not because we were a couple of broke-asses.

They, being freethinking non-conformists themselves, were only too happy to agree. And we totally didn’t feel like a couple of dicks when we were the only ones to show up giftless.

The best thing about the Noughties was probably the fact that I developed the three nerdiest health conditions a person could possibly acquire: Astigmatism, Carpal Tunnel syndrome and Plantar Fasciitis, which means I have to wear glasses, a wrist strap and special shoes. All I need now is some orthodontic headgear and eczema and I’ll have the full set. It’s good though, it’s like being back in high school again, which as any regular reader of my column will tell you, was totally not a difficult time for me.

My wife eventually got another job and between us we started making enough money to do silly things like invest in the stock market. I thought to myself, hey, this is the perfect time to invest while all the stocks

are low. Buy low, sell high, right? Everyone knows that. With that in mind, I bought stock in Lloyds TSB and RBS, ready to cash in when they pull themselves out of trouble.

The government owns them now, and surely they won’t do anything to screw me over. Of course, I’ve only just found out today that both banks are going to be broken up and sold off in pieces, so I can probably kiss that money goodbye, but that’s OK; it’s another valuable life lesson learned.

Here’s hoping the Terrific Tens are just as exciting.

Merry Christmas.

Rob xoxo Read more from Rob at canuckistani.com

Put Le Donk On It

words: Jared Wilson photos: Dominic Henry

Until a couple of months ago it seemed Scor-zay-zee - a fiery rapper with buckets of distain for the establishment - was destined to remain one of the bestkept musical secrets in Nottingham, with a swathe of tunes that instantly became UK underground hip-hop classics. But then he decided to quit rapping for four years - until Shane Meadows went and released a DVD featuring Scorz and Paddy Considine mucking around at an Arctic Monkeys gig. Now the whole world knows his name, he’s writing tunes again and he’s back to reclaim his spot as Nottingham’s primo rapper...

Becoming a film star isn’t exactly the standard route musicians take to get noticed….

No it isn’t. When I first got the part I didn’t think it would help me musically in any way. But soon after we started filming my role was made bigger, and they bought elements of my music into it. It sparked off a load of ideas for new tunes and gave me a push. At the end of it I was rapping in front of 50,000 people at Old Trafford.

So how did you originally get the part?

The director of the first main feature film I did (Big Things

by Mark Devenport) rang me up and told me that Shane was auditioning. So I went along and did an audition with Paddy, and they really liked it. I then ended up rapping to them as well and they rang me back the next day and asked me if I wanted to go to Manchester to film the week after. At first I was just cast as a roommate for Le Donk, but because I could rap they thought it was a good idea to take me to the Arctic Monkeys gig and see what would happen.

How long ago was Le Donk and Scor-zay-zee actually filmed?

It was about two and a half years ago and was shot over just five days. We did four days in Manchester and then one day’s extra filming. It was part of Shane’s five-day feature ethos, where he wanted to go back to his old guerrilla filmmaking days and do something almost totally improvised on a tiny budget. I think he just enjoys making films off the cuff and throwing himself into it.

Two and a half years is a long time. Bet you were gagging for it to come out…

Yeah. To be honest though, I forgot about it for a while and I only thought of it again when the press for it started about six months ago, with Shane and Paddy doing Jonathan Ross and me doing Radio One. It was then I realised that the film was going to be bigger than first expected.

How much of it was scripted?

There was no script at all. There was a plot outline from Shane, because we were playing characters in his film, but he didn’t give us any written dialogue. Paddy just improvised and I bounced off him. So when I went up to the Arctic Monkeys and asked them if I could plug my keyboard in on stage, I really didn’t know who they were – I’d heard their music, but I’d never actually seen a picture of them. The whole film is like a set of destined accidents really.

Tell us about the acting you’d done before this film…

Well, I started out making films with Sarmad Masud, a friend who’d made some music videos for me back in the day and we did a short film called The Night We Killed A Fox. Then I did another couple of shorts with him and I was cast in Big Things.

It was from there I got the chance to audition for Shane. So yeah, I need to big up Sam and Mark for giving me the opportunity to kick it all off.

So, when can we expect your debut album to finally be released?

Hopefully around Christmas or New Year. It’s called Peace To The Puzzle and we’re just tweaking a few bits here and there. It’s nearly finished, but we keep mucking around with bits of it. I’m also still writing tunes which could make it on there if they’re better than the ones we’ve already recorded.

Do you have a first single lined up?

There’s a song on there called Love Me, which is about where I disappeared to for five years when I stopped rapping. It’s a hip-hop tune with a jazz feel to it. We sent it to some big radio stations and they liked what they heard and said they’d playlist it, so we’re just waiting on the mastered version to come back.

Telling other kids you’re related to Colin Gunn

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www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

Back in the day, the ultimate bully deterrent at school was to make up an imaginary brother who was in the army and was so rock that he was the only white man to be accepted into the Gurkhas. This decade, the youths of North Notts claimed familial affiliation with a certain local businessman. At a rough estimate, if half these claims were actually true, Mr Gunn would have had approximately 9,364 siblings, all of which would have produced thirteen offspring each.

Are any older songs like Heroes Die or Great Britain going to be on there?

Probably not, I want to put out something completely new. But you might hear some of those old tunes again still - I’m redoing Great Britain with a band for a live session at Maida Vale for Radio One. Who’s been working on the album with you?

Nick Stez has produced every track and there aren’t any guests scheduled on there at all at the moment. I think I’d like to keep it that way and save the guest appearances for the second album and keep this one tight. I’m thinking about the follow-up already as I have lots of ideas.

When we last interviewed you five years ago you’d decided to give up rapping. What’s changed since then?

I think I just needed time to recuperate. You know when you do something day-in day-out you just get sick of it? But then one day, four and a half years later I was sitting in my bedroom and I got the pen out and wrote a rap. I never stopped listening to hip-hop music, I always have it on the radio at home, but I just needed time to become inspired again.

What are your plans for acting in future?

Well, I’m going to try and get an agent as it would be nice to have someone looking out there for me. I’d love to be in the next The Sopranos or The Wire or something. That might sound far-fetched, but so did the idea of doing a Shane Meadows film when I first started.

Le Donk and Scor-zay-zee is out on DVD in shops now. You can also watch some of Scorz’s earlier films at leftlion.co.uk/video.

Peace To The Puzzle will be released in early 2010. myspace.com/scorzayzee

A bag of industrial-strength weed Once upon a time, marijuana made you a bit giggly and up for doing mad stuff. Nowadays, thanks to the industrious work of people in attics with easy access to lampposts, its now green heroin for people who are interested in finding out what a brain haemorrhage feels like and sitting there like an orangutan that’s been licking lead paint all day. Guess which city produces the strongest weed in the UK, with a THC over twice the strength of normal skunk?

The oughty

otts

Huge terrorist attacks in America. The biggest global recession since 1929. War in Afghanistan and Iraq. North Korea getting a mard-on. The downfall of Saddam Hussein. The return of Russia as a global power. The golden age of the Internet. The death of Michael Jackson. The bent US election.

Right, that’s all the rammell out of the way - now for a serious look at the last decade...

MAY CONTAIN NOUGHTS The top ten mentalist local stories of the decade, compiled by Nottingham’s ‘Mr Sex’ 10. People in the Grosvenor swim about in their own wee and bob

We’ve had absolutely minging summers this decade, so when the Grosvenor flooded out and the car park was filled with three feet of water in July of 2009, what else could the punters do but throw caution to the wind and throw an impromptu pool party, like they were in The Sims or summat?

What a shame that the fire brigade had to show up and spoil the fun by pointing out the flood was actually caused by blocked drains and they were swimming about in three feet of diluted effluent. What they were doing was effectively the equivalent of drinking Bulwell Lido before licking the floor of Rock City circa 1983. Boo!

9. Mansfield Town consider a name change

The noughties were a rotten decade for the Stags, with relegation out of the League, dwindling finances and a series of supporter protests. One of these involved only one man, who locked himself in the toilets at half-time for a cry. Then there was the time where the chairman got panned by a supporter in his own boardroom.

The real ribbing occurred in 2008, however, when John Batchelor (who had changed his name in the past to John Top-Gear and John B&Q) announced plans to call the club ‘Harchester United’ after the protagonists in Dream Team (a Sky TV show that was watched by about twelve people, eleven of whom were expecting The Simpsons and couldn’t be arsed to switch over).

Mansfield sorts responded by making up a few new names for him, mainly related to lady-bits.

8. The Broxtowe Kitchen-nicker

Who says romance is dead? Not in Broxtowe in April 2007 it wasn’t, when an enterprising besotted mouth-breather finally gave his ex that kitchen she always wanted – the one belonging to the house across the road, which he dismantled, nicked, and reassembled in her house.

Unfortunately, her extremely convincing story – that she was upstairs giving the kids a bath while he was putting it together and came down to see it magically installed by the Kitchen Fairies – was knocked back by Babylon, and they both got sent down.

7. The Kegworth Catapult Man

Nottingham had a bit of a reputation for crime this decade, with, oh, about fifty million news stories about how we regularly go to the graves of our own grandparents, rip out their gold fillings, and then dob them in at Ca$h Converter so we can buy some crack to keep our kiddies awake so they can climb through windows at 3am.

Fortunately, some of us still valiantly fight crime - and none more so than Joe Weston-Webb, a former stuntman who created the

UK’s biggest anti-burglar device; a 30ft Roman catapult that fired chicken droppings onto unsuspecting crims. Sadly, police stopped him from using a cannon that would fire rubber-tipped railway sleepers, which he used to fire his wife across the River Avon.

6. Forest get battered in town

Forest were awful for most of the decade, but they never sunk as low as this: The team celebrated a 5-0 beating by Oldham in December 2006 by going into town and getting absolutely battered again.

At one point a Christmas tree got set alight and it culminated in rest of the team watching one player squat on the floor of the bogs and crimp one out - this in one of the better bars in town. Question: why is it always Forest players who do this sort of thing? Do the County squad stop at home and have piano lessons, or take part in drama groups?

5. The Arnold Hill School Stripper

How did you spend the day of your sixteenth birthday, dear reader? I was busy failing a Maths GCSE and discovering to my dismay that nobody wanted any off me even though I was now ‘legal’. If only my Mam was as cool as the one who decided to treat her lad to a Gorillagram during a drama lesson, only for the booking to get mixed up.

A stripper arrived, attaching a dog collar to the youth’s neck and striping his arse with a whip sixteen times, getting her kit off to Britney Spears, and allowing him to rub whipped cream into her arse before the teacher could pick her jaw up off the floor and put a stop to it. And talking of birthday treats…

4. Bulwell Dad tries to help fourteen year-old son lose cherry on Forest Road

Picture the scene: a father is quite possibly worried that his lad was nearly fifteen and still hadn’t got one of the fair maidens of Bulwell up the stick or on Jeremy Kyle yet. So he decides to show him that sexual intercourse is a simple, yet sacred, exchange of tenderness between man who can’t be arsed to get his trousers completely off and pock-marked crack addict with the names of her kids tattooed on her jubblies. In a graveyard!

Unfortunately, Dad ends up asking a plain clothes officer if she wants ‘business’, and is immediately hauled off to the nick and slapped upon the Sex Offenders Register. Never mind, it’s Christmas soon. Maybe Santa will bring a smackheaded Albanian.

3. Eastwood banjo-twangers liven up a Saturday night in town by playing Human Conkers

The noughties were a vintage year for mouth-breathery aficionados, as demonstrated by this charming story about two cousins from Eastwood who decided to come to Nottingham

(known as ‘That There Big City With The Electricity’) for a night out. Seeing as one of them owed an undisclosed sum to a local dealer (quite possibly a cow), they decided to take a couple of pool balls in socks with them, as you do.

By the time they got to – sigh – Yates, they were so kaylide and bored that they decided to have a (defendant’s words) ‘play fight’ and started re-enacting scenes from Scum (but not the one in the greenhouse, thankfully), ending in one of them lying in a pool of blood.

2. Cinderhill man gets massive homosexual tattoo on his back Quoth The Sun; ‘Proud Paul Croft got a tattoo of Harry Potter wizard Albus Dumbledore on his back – but is now being teased by pals after he was outed as gay.’ Note the use of the word ‘proud’ - that’s shorthand for “if you met him in the street and pointed out that he had a mystical homosexual tattooed on his back, he would pull your entire digestive system out of your mouth and strangle you with it’.

The poor sod ended up getting a massive shaming off fellow factory workers, who previously seemed to think that spending £500 on a tattoo containing someone from a kiddies’ book was acceptable behaviour. ‘It’s been terrible,’ said Paul, as he presumably prepared to get a massive tat of something a bit more macho on his chest, like the Village People. ‘I’ve always liked Dumbledore – just not in that way.’

1. The Filipino Mail Order Bride Phone-Wank Scam

Andrew Vandarahe wins our award for creative businessman of the decade – not only for running a pound-a-minute Filipino mailorder bride service in 2004 where clients could actually speak to the ladies over the phone (whilst glopping away like bored zoo monkeys), but for calling his company Jabba Communications, which was probably a great description of the people using his services. But it all came crashing down in 2004, when a trading standards investigation discovered that the women in question were not crated-up Filipino fiancées, but mams from Sherwood putting on oriental accents and offering ‘Soo-keh Foo-keh twenteh paahnd’. They even had crib sheets about the Philippines stuck to their desks, just in case punters stopped mid-joff and shouted, ‘Hey! What’s the average yearly rainfall in the Zamboanga peninsula?’

Mr Vandarahe got taxed £1,625 and went back to his old job of being a taxi driver, whilst phone-wankers across the county tried to rebuild their shattered lives. ‘You thought you were talking to a Filipino girl and some had the accent just right,’ said one. ‘But when you heard the girl say ‘Ayup’ and ‘Cheers, me duck’ you knew it was a con.’

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

Exposed arse crack

What was this all about? For the five percent of women that looked decent in thongs, it was a saucy bit of a fashion thing. For everyone else, it looked wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and resulted in us seeing more man-arse in a half-hour queue at the main Post Office in town than Freddie Mercury did over the course of his entire lifetime.

Next decade, expect to see the youth of Nottingham gingerly John-Wayneing down the streets of Hockley with one ball hanging out of their flies.

The Forest ‘We’re Serious About Promotion – Are You?’ letter

In 2060, when the world’s natural resources have fully depleted and the last few hunks of coal are in museums, the nation’s homes will be powered by elderly Forest fans.

They will be hooked up to the National Grid and will exude mega-ergs of embarrassed heat by being forced to look at the 2004-05 season ticket letter which promised promotion to the Premiership, and delivered relegation to League One. And during power surges, they’ll be made to watch a video of the Yeovil playoff game.

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Sky Mirror, 2000 Cost: £900,000

Made in Finland from polished stainless steel, six metres wide, weighing ten tons and reflecting the Playhouse’s surroundings in a pool of inverted light and shade. Anish Kapoor’s Sky Mirror became such an instant hit (despite the fear that it might fry pigeons with intense beams of light) that New York nicked the idea for themselves...

‘I have always loved the Playhouse building for its own take on Brutalist architecture that rivals The Barbican photo: Christine Preedy Centre or the Hayward Gallery in London. Kapoor’s giant contact lens of a sculpture creates a complimentary backdrop to the circular motifs in the Playhouse roof and the adjacent Wellington Circus and has always been a favourite of mine. It’s good to see contemporary art still in East Circus Street, a place where the Midland Group used to have its gallery in the 60s and 70s and where a young Anish had one of his first solo shows.’

Jennie Syson, Independent Curator, Hinterland ‘It’s quite different and very modern. It draws people here - they say they love the sculpture. It makes a difference between here and the other theatre. I like it.’

Jay Waterfield, Waiter, Cast ‘An exciting public artwork connecting us with sky and earth. Playful and engaging, the Sky Mirror draws viewers in to its illusion and transformative sphere.’

Irene Rogan, Sculptor and Public Artist ‘It’s not bad, but it cost a million pounds! And it’s dangerous for the birds - it catches the sun and they get caught in their flight. They should have got that local lad to do something instead, the artist chap who puts lights into sheds (Raphael Daden). He’d have done a better job. He shops in here, you know.’

The Thompson Brothers, Greengrocers

Emo’s World Be middle-class If you’re going to do it properly, come from a pit of austerity and unremitting despair, like West Bridgford.

Get the slap on Whether it be purloined from your Mam’s bag or from the tester section in Boots, you need make-up. Primarily eye-liner and Twilighty glitter... trowel-fulls of it. Practice a trout-pout for hours in the mirror. Spend even more hours taking thousands of photos of yourself from directly above for MySpace.

www.leftlion.

Cost: £5,700,000

A huge redevelopment job which transformed Nottingham’s nattiest arthouse cinema into one of the best in the country.

The interior design of the two new cinemas was influenced by Paul Smith and one bears his signature chocolate brown stripes.

Add a brand new façade which uplifts the space with light, particularly and you have a glittering jewel in the crown of Hockley.

‘Sometimes a new piece of artwork in a building or a facelift (as in the case of Broadway) can inspire a change in what happens within that building. After its transformation in 2006, Broadway became a regional centre for cinema and media with a regular digital art programme. Sometimes a new look can mean a new start and attract new audiences – the beautiful glazed front and sun terrace help this as well.’

Frances Ashton, Art Editor, LeftLion ‘I think it’s great. I really like the glass screens on the first floor. I like it as a place to go, anyone can go there. It doesn’t put the general public off and attracts a wide range of people.’

Chie Hoska, Lee Rosy’s Tea Shop and Artnot ‘It’s a bit poncy, isn’t it? They’ve got some good films and nice people, but really it’s for the serious cinema goer. We saw The Ladykillers in there. The only surviving cast member left was Herbert Lom, and he did a talk. They’re good at things like that, but he’s an old man now and the film is so old that he couldn’t remember anything when asked questions.’

The Thompson Brothers, Greengrocers

Hang around Ice Nine Or Blue Banana. Buy long and predominantly black bondage overcoats with accented stripes or racing checks – making you look like a grumpy pirate child or a sullen Nigel Mansell.

Add skinny trews that will make you sterile. Girls either exactly the same as the boys or an Alice band, Minnie Mouse shoes and an Empire Line dress.

Harness the power of technology Everyone knows it’s no fun being alone and tortured unless there’s someone else there to whinge at. Now, thanks to the internet, there is! Spend all your life on Twitter –social networking for the unsociable.

Clog up the Market Square on Saturdays and school holidays, being inscrutable Know this; the casual bystander will never be able to pierce the dark cloud of despair that dwells within the Emo; a state of mind where even sitting in the Square with your mates can be your own personal ‘Nam. This effect can easily be attained by putting your black hood with skulls on it over your head.

Listen to the right music If it sounds like a third-division version of My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy, it’ll do. Or investigate entire sub-genres like Screamo - which is about as good as it sounds written down.

words and images: Duncan Heath

Calling inanimate objects ‘gay’

12

The Broadway Media Centre, 2006

Make no mistake, during the Noughties the steps on the Market Square were under the rule of the Emo. If you’re planning on getting maximum respect from your New Year’s Eve fancy dress do, you’d better read this guide pretty sharpish…

Be miserable ‘Emo’, as we all should know by now, is short for ‘Emotional’.

Therefore, you’ll have to run the full gamut of human emotion, from ‘self-pity’, through to ‘cob-on’ all the way to ‘abject misery’

Sort that hair out Thanks to a range of ‘styling’ products that are geared towards shagging up your hair as opposed to sorting it out, you can now spend a fortune to get the same effect as if you just slept on it.

words: Frances Ashton

We were content to assign emotions to artefacts of rubbishness in the nineties (e.g. ‘I’m not going to Broado, it’s sad’). But this decade some of us took it a step further – we wouldn’t be seen dead in Broado because it was ‘gay.’

How? Why? Had said shopping centre been seen on NG1 with its shirt off?

Was it in a civil partnership with the Bus Station? If only said establishment were homosexual; then it would be tasteful, stylish, and wouldn’t stink of pound shop.

A fake NUS card This was the decade where the city centre finally became a whopping great campus, as certain establishments that should have known better spent nine months of the year yanking apart their arse cheeks for Tristran and Arabella, and the remaining three months in the summer moaning that locals wouldn’t support them.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em – courtesy of a mate of a mate who had access to a laminator at work.

The Market Square, 2007 Cost: £7,000,000

The transformation of the Square by Gustafson Porter resulted in a modern, flat space with stunning terrace features, fit for staging major events and celebrations. Boasting granite flagstones, flowerbeds, seating terraces and water terraces, the Square has already hosted an outdoor ice rink, a beach, numerous concerts, and every Emo in town.

The Brian Clough statue, 2008 Cost: £70,000

Created by sculptor Les Johnson, the nine-foot high figure bronze figure of the King of Forest in his sweatshirted managerial pomp was paid for by public donations and fundraising by Forest supporters. We think it perfectly compliments the statue of the younger Clough in a Sunderland park.

‘It’s the heart of the city. It’s been done brilliantly and when it was out of action in re-design it was sorely missed. It’s a breeding space for so many different activities and we are fortunate to have a space such as this in the city. I think we do re-generation really well in Nottingham.’

John Newling, Artist and Professor of Installation Sculpture, Nottingham Trent

‘I expected to dislike this as much as the hideous embracing couple at St. Pancras Station - monumental statues just aren’t my thing. Many pieces of public contemporary art make great statements about participation and community, but rarely are they taken to the bosom of local people as loved landmarks. The Left Lion itself is a good exception to this rule.

I’m pleased to eat my cynical hat and delighted to see the Cloughie piece is something genuinely revered by Nottingham photo: Bob Watt people. Most times when I pass by there is a lad and his dad posing for a photograph. It gets people talking – sometimes to a complete stranger.’

Jennie Syson, Independent Curator, Hinterland ‘It’s a good idea, but they should have used a different material to make it more modern. And it should have been at the City Ground so it wouldn’t get vandalised.’

Daniel Frost, Ice Cream Man, Market Square ‘It should be a statue more meaningful for Nottingham in the position it is. Tourists don’t know who he is. It’s the wrong thing to promote the city of Nottingham.’

B Skelhom, Florist, Andersons of Nottingham ‘To be fair, we didn’t notice it where it is. It should be outside the City Ground or in the centre of the Square. Why haven’t they got one of Jimmy Sirrel? What he did for Notts County was just as good as anything Cloughie did, except winning European Cups.’

The Thompson Brothers, Greengrocers

‘It’s crap because what they spent on marble and stone could have been spent on cleaning the Council House up. The water fountains are wicked, but I wished they’d kept the trees in.’

Martin Thompson, vendor, Nottingham Evening Post ‘I think it’s brilliant because it helps to get the kids out and about. When the beach was here in the summer - that was a great idea. The attractions bring money and people to Notts.’

Melvin Highton, vendor, Nottingham Evening Post

Aspire, 2008

Nottingham City Council

proud to present

Christmas Crafts & Gifts Market Long Row, Old Market Square 18 November – 23 December, 10am ‘til late

Come along and shop for exquisite Christmas crafts & gifts from around the World for your friends and family - what better time to shop for those gems?

For more information contact Nottingham Tourism Centre on 08444 77 5678 or visit www.nottinghamcity.gov.uk/whatson

photo: Jonathan Hart

Cost: £800,000

Paid for by an anonymous benefactor, Aspire is 196 feet tall, making it the UK’s tallest freestanding sculpture, three times higher than The Angel of the North. It stands on the Jubilee Campus and was designed by Make, the architectural practice founded in 2004 by Ken Shuttleworth.

‘Designed by an architect rather than an artist, paid for by an anonymous donor and situated in the grounds of a university? There is nothing very public about this artwork!’

Frances Ashton, Art Editor, LeftLion ‘It seems strange that its there. But that’s what I like about it - that it doesn’t really fit in.’

Adam Sawyer, student ‘It’s an impressive piece of contemporary artwork and fits well with the University’s Jubilee campus where the whole site has a contemporary theme.’

Jonny Duffy, Student

11043 Crocus Left Lion 127x177 8/9/09 12:42 Page 1

Nottingham

photo: Dom Henry

Having a mingy Millennium

So, you spend an entire year being asked what you’re doing for New Years Eve 1999. You get offered chances to go to London, Paris, America and Edinburgh, but you tell everyone that you want to spend it at home, tenderly sharing a special moment with your family. Only to find that they’re all going to a house party in Rise Park.

So you spend the last seconds of the 20th Century with your kaylide Mam shouting ‘Cheer up, you miserable get! It’s the bleddy Millemiun!’ at you while she dances to Do Do Do, C’mon And Do The Conga by Black Lace.

The Story of

A chunk of the wire that surrounded the Square Berlin had their Wall, and Japan had its Tenko, or whatever it was called. And for three years, Nottingham had its own barricaded-up monument when the Square turned itself into a massive building site, meaning that three opportunities to get your hand up a Sharon’s skirt against a Lion on New Years’ Eve was denied to us. But it was all worth it in 2007, as the fences were torn down and skateboarding Nu-Metallers who had got trapped inside were tearfully reunited with their mates (who were now Emos, and scared of them).

N

In a decade full of villains, no-one - no-one - was hated more than The Slanty N, who was chosen to represent Nottinghamshire in 2005 and met with an alarming torrent of abuse. Everyone has had their say on the matter - now it’s time for the letter itself to break its silence and talk exclusively to the Lion…

Slanty, you’ve had a very strange decade, haven’t you?

Well, let me stop you right there; I’m not, quote, ‘slanty’. If you’d bothered to do any research, you’d know that I actually rotate anti-clockwise at about five degrees. It’s bad enough having the general public going (affects brain-dead expression) ‘Orrgh! It’s Slan-teh! Run away! He wants to eat us babehs! Let’s bon ‘im on the fire’, but journalists like you should know better.

We’re really sorry. Shall we call you the Rotated Anti-Clockwise N? No, I’m used to it - I’ve been in Nottingham long enough. Next question.

OK, so tell us a bit about your background…

Well, I had a great career before all this. My big break was a guest appearance on Sesame Street back in the day, with the letter T and the number 7. I was called back time and again.

Great bunch of lads – I’d go out on the mash with Oscar the Grouch and Grover and raise hell. I came back to the UK to do a bit of work for Countdown and Wheel of Fortune, but ultimately I wanted something more...artistic.

So what brought you to Nottingham?

My agent told me that they were auditioning for a new logo and that I’d be perfect - and I’d heard that there were five vowels for every consonant, if you get me. I knew I’d walk it when I got to the Council House – I was up against a big chip cob on legs, Su Pollard’s massive head radiating sun-rays, and a panda with fangs and ‘Kill Derby’ written across its forehead in marker pen.

Total amateurs. Walked up to the panel, said ‘Now see here - I’m a massive letter N and I’m not here to fart-arse about’. Then I did an impression of Brian Clough singing Nottingham Is Full Of Fun whilst dancing the Flashdance routine. It slayed them. Slayed them. I was offered the job on the spot.

Your salary – £120,000 – caused quite a bit of consternation…

Look, I don’t want to bite the hand that fed me, but there’s some right jealous mingebags in this town. Don’t hate the player, bruv – hate the game. The game of Nottingham, er, logoing. I remember some bell-end in Geisha having a pop, reckoning that I was ‘gooin’ raahnd thinking I wor summat’, or whatever these people say. I said; ‘Mate, I just heard that the society of mongs in Primark shirts who still live with their Mam are looking for a new logo – you should apply’. Then he started banging on that he was paying for that champagne I’d just bought out of his Council Tax. So I said; ‘Well, have some of it back, you twat,’ and I gobbed in his face. Luckily, they kept that one out of the papers.

But still...£120,000? (sighs) Look...what people don’t understand is that I had to lean. All the time. And change colour about 32 times. Say you’re behind the till at Greggs, or whatever you do for a proper job, and your boss kept going; ‘Now sell them pasties at five degrees to the perpendicular! Go on! Lean! Now change colour! Blue!

Now orange! No! That’s tangerine!’ and so on. Wouldn’t you demand a proper whack? And remember, I had to represent Nottingham at all times. They made me sign a contract that said I wouldn’t get drunk, seriously assault people, take class As, or get any women pregnant.

And did you?

Sign it? Yes, I did. With a pen. A blue one. (pause) Next question.

Could you believe the reaction you got?

It still hurts. The way that people went on, it was like I was selling crack outside Scotholme Infant School and making the kids put the money down me kecks. There was one dickhead in the Post that said because I was leaning, I was promoting binge drinking! I remember reading that and thinking; ‘there’s kids shooting each other with bazookas in shopping precincts, others breaking into folk’s houses and laughing at their Artex ceilings and ornaments, and whole areas fighting for a post code...yet they’re having a go at Slanty?’

The main thrust of the argument was that you were replacing Robin Hood.

Oh, don’t start me off. ‘Ooh, everyone’s going on about Nottingham being full of violent crime, what shall we do? I know – let’s have an armed robber as our mascot’ Do you ever see posters of the Yorkshire Ripper with ‘Come to Bradford - its ace!’ underneath? No, you don’t. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but where would Nottingham be without me? I’ll tell you, mate – Ottigham.

But everyone knows about him and his links to Nottingham.

Yeah, but you could say the same about Harold Shipman. Why not put him on the bleeding Council House, then?

We’re not feeling too much love for the Hooded Man. Robin Hood? Robin My Bleeding Livelihood, more like. And I’m not the only one, either - the best thing that came out all of this was that I got to know Sherwood Bear. He was Forest’s mascot for years, until some div reckoned he was scaring the children and they nobbed him off. And who do they get to replace him?

Exactly. An oversized bogey pointing a bow and arrow at the kids. Again.

Wanting it to be the eighties again

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According to our misguided youth, the eighties was a magical time where everybody pretended to be robots who dressed up like pirates and 17th-century fops. In actual fact, half the youths wanted it to be the sixties again, the other half wanted it to be this decade, and we were all under the reign of a mad old bitch who either put you on the dole or made you do a YTS for £25 a week. Go to Reflex, and watch two middle-aged men with mullets punch each other in the face whilst Club Tropicana is played, over and over again. That’s exactly what the eighties was like.

We wondered what happened to him…

He took it badly. Yes, there was that incident when he got caught in Snape Woods with his Forest shorts around his ankles, but he’s a bear - it’s to be expected. He’s been my rock; I remember one night when we were getting battered in the Old Dog and Partridge, he put his hand on me shoulder and said; ‘Slanty… you’ll never win in this town. Half of ‘em can’t spell anyway. The only letter they take any notice of is their court summons. You’ll get no respect in Notts until you put on some green tights and hit someone in the arse with an arrow. Bollocks to it. Bollocks to it all.’

So what are you up to these days?

Well, I don’t want to jinx anything, but my agent’s heard that Zimbabwe’s looking for an image rebrand. All I’ve got to do is fall on me side and it’s Milky Bars all round. People go on about Robert Mugabe’s human rights record - he’s just had some bad PR, really. I know how he feels.

Finally, is there anything you’d like to say to the people of Nottingham?

Yes, mate. A big, massive letter ‘V’. To all of you.

Slanty’s autobiography, A Capital Letter In A Provincial Town, is out in the new year.

A tape recording of Paul Nicholls’ appalling Notts accent on A Thing Called Love Billy Ivory’s 2004 BBC drama series was a veritable love letter to the City of Snot.

Unfortunately, us locals were too busy; a) pointing at the screen and shouting; “Ooh! The 42! I’ve been on that bus!”; b) looking in the background for any of their mates slinking by, and; c) sputtering with outrage at the mardy one in EastEnders going “Eckers peckers, me dooook, tha’s a reight tastuh bit uh croompit, ‘appen ahv foll in looov with yoh”

Having your dump in a bar interrupted by someone who thinks you’ve got coke

The smell of The Bomb The Bomb on Bridlesmith Gate was – by far – the most shocking loss to the local clubbing scene this decade, but Christ on a crisp packet, did it funk.

Imagine a combination of fricasseed armpit, fermented alcopop and the stench of Bernard Manning’s urine-soaked trousers that have been left on a radiator all day.

The venue is now the location of a ponce bar of the type that Fourth Division footballers frequent and has a Facebook-branded computer inside, in case you want to update your status in the pub.

No names, no pack-drill, but if you actually curled one off in certain bars in town, a bell would go off and the entire staff would applaud as you left the bog.

And then give you a certificate. Notts was awash with wanker powder in the Noughties; great news for men who could go into the same cubicle without aspersions being cast in their direction, but bad news if you just wanted a bob without someone’s head popping over the door. ‘Soz mate, I thought you were having a nose-up.’ ‘Er, you wouldn’t want your nose up this, duck.’

The Penny Dropped Drop In The Ocean: Nottingham’s finest 48 hours It’s Saturday night on 29 January 2005, and I’m wedged in a car circling town with a group of people that, a month ago, I wouldn’t have known from a hole in my arse. We are all in different phases of panic, from mild and cautious concern to full-on brown trouserism and we’re people-watching. Actually, strike that; we’re lack-of-people watching. We’re on the eve of launching a huge festival across town. It’s the first Saturday of the year after payday. It’s quiet. The signs are good. The fear remains; What happens if you throw a festival and nobody comes?

It all started on Boxing Day 2004, when the second largest earthquake in recorded history set off a tsunami that killed nearly 230,000 people across eleven countries. Two people – Ste Allan of Dealmaker Records and acoustic guitarist Steve Pinnock – saw it on the news, and decided to put on a couple of benefit gigs. So far, so normal; probably every place in the country did likewise. They didn’t do it like Nottingham did, however; almost as soon as the benefits were announced, hundreds of bands and singers volunteered their services. The next thing you knew, there was talk of 200 bands spread across twenty venues.

Volunteering for Drop meant that, in exchange for running yourself into the ground for the best part of a month, you got

words: Al Needham

linked up to the very best people in Notts. There was Ash and Charlotte, who organised like wanno. There was Ste, who spent the entire month with a mobile glued to one hand and a mouse welded to the other, corralling the vast majority of the Notts music scene into various venues. There was Steve and Heather, who respectively got the entire non-rock and dance elements on board and shook down every major business in town for donations. There were promoters, venue owners, bands.

Loads of bands.

By a mixture of chance and design, we’d all stumbled across a brilliant idea - bands got exposure to thousands of people, bars were rammed on a miserable Sunday in winter, punters were having a blinding post-Xmas tear-up, and it was all for charity (and not a big charity, either – we linked up with a set-up who were committed to spending our money to our exact requirements. And they did).

Drop was a huge deal for the Notts music scene. You’d run your eye down the massive A3 flyer/line-up, and you couldn’t believe how many bands there were in such a small part of the world.

The actual day was a rush. I remember being in Muse for the organisers’ after-party. It was heaving with people from right across the city, looking at each other in disbelief at how well it

had gone off. It was obvious that we had to do it again. And we did, the very next year. We raised less money but it was an even bigger achievement. Not only had we jacked the numbers up to 300 acts in 30 venues, but there wasn’t a major disaster to prick people’s consciences with. It was obvious that to do it properly on a regular basis would have killed us all, however, and we wound it down.

You can still see the legacy of Drop today; Oxfam obviously noticed, with their Oxjam events and the Hockley Hustle, which is the true and worthy heir of the Drop ethos. More importantly: £84,200 raised. An orphanage in South India. A shelter for underaged victims of sex tourism in Cambodia. Thousands of pounds for the Pakistan Earthquake Fund. When you look back at what happened in Nottingham this decade, be it good or bad, Drop In The Ocean is what you put on the top.

We may not come home stinking like laboratory beagles any more, and we don’t have to worry about our best shirt having a burn-hole in it, but we lost many wonderful things when the smoking ban kicked in on July 1 2007…

It’s harder to chat people up …for those of us whose top five chat-up lines were ‘Can I ponce a fag off you?’, ‘Have you got a Rizla?’, ‘Do you have a spare filter tip?’, ‘Can I nick some baccy off you?’ and ‘Have you got a light, duck?’ in any case.

You can’t sit out in the beer garden on your own in winter after a row, looking dignified yet righteous You’re in the pub. Your partner, mate or work colleague is talking absolute wank, as usual. What do you do to express your displeasure when you don’t want to actually leave the pub? That’s right – you sit out in the beer garden on your own, in winter, looking dignified yet righteous. Whilst keeping an eye out to make sure they haven’t legged it to the next pub, obviously. Nowadays, you fail to find a seat in the beer garden with a load of other nicotine addicts where those massive gas burners aren’t blocking your view, while your mates go on to the next pub and talk about what a mard-arse you are.

You can’t nick pub ashtrays any more Have you ever bought an ashtray in their life? Course not; you liberated them from pubs, The sleek, rounded-off square ones from Muse; the earthenware plant-pot holders at the Fleece; the branded Fosters ones at your local or the cut-glass potential murder weapons at the old-man’s pubs. This is a shame, because every pub ashtray has a story to tell - mainly the one about how it ended up in your girlfriend’s handbag and she went almshouse when she found out.

You can’t wazz a nub-end from one end of the urinal to the other The mind-set of the average bloke in a pub bogs used to go like this: Oh my God, I was really dying for a slash back then, now all these other blokes have walked in, I can’t go, they’ll think I’m only in here to look at cocks, I’m going to – WAHEY! THERE’S A NUB-END! KILL IT! KILL IT NOW! Nowadays, the City Hospital have to deal with at least fifty rupture cases every Friday night, due to men trying to do the same thing with a urinal cake.

You can’t lairily stub your fag out in someone else’s ashtray Is there a better way of showing disrespect to someone whose face you don’t like? When you wandered up to someone else’s table and ground your fag into his ashtray, you were basically saying; ‘Look, bitch – I’d stub this out on your face, if I could be arsed.’ Fact: the Vietnam War actually started when Ho Chi Minh stubbed out a Park Drive in JFK’s ashtray in the Thurland in 1962, whilst having a long and obvious stare at Jackie O’s tits.

You can’t get away with a massive trump any more. Or have a crafty one-skinner when the pub’s packed out Remember the euphoria of having a spliff in a rammed-out bar, watching everyone else sniff the air like hunting dogs as you pass it under the table to your mate, luxuriating in the fact that for a brief moment - you’ve got one over the entire population of the world? Well, it’s not happening ever again. And neither is ripping one off in the queue for the bar.

Moving into a ponce-box and then moaning about the noise At some point in the previous decade, someone decided it would be a great idea if Nottingham had some executive flats, where people could read The Observer in a warehouse whilst drinking poncey coffee.

Unfortunately, no-one realised that there are only three executives in Nottingham and they all live in The Park. Consequently, they were occupied by bell-ends who expected everyone to take their shoes off and tiptoe about when they piled out of the Market Bar at 2am. Oh dear.

Brian Harvey’s scalp Removed from said Tesco Value boyband lad’s head in 2000 by local machete-wielding scamps after a guest appearance at The Works, an appalling alco-creche that was populated by the sort of people who feel that the Jeremy Kyle show is something you do, not watch.

Its current location is unknown, but according to rumour, the Lord Mayor is required by law to don it and perform Deep naked at Freemason karaoke parties.

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

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Hunks of Nottingham 201o

Mr January: Sven Goran Eriksson Mon

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A throbbing twelve months of dishy Notts beefcake, sure to turn your heart into a broad, marshy centre...

Mr May: Brian Clough

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Mr July: The Gordon Scott Monkey Mon

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Mr August: The Jolly Fisherman Mon

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Proper Notts at LeftLion.co.uk

A special gift from Rikki Marr and Nottingham’s ‘Mr Sex’

If you are a Nottingham-based artist and would like to be profiled in this section, please email frances@leftlion.co.uk

White Rabbit Studios is a recently formed collective, based in a small but inspiring house in Sherwood with five rooms and a shed, where the artists hold exhibitions, community events and drink lots of tea. Follow them on their blog at whiterabbitstudio.wordpress.com

Rebecca Gove-Humphries

Amanda Going

What kind of art do you make?

I make work out of everyday materials like tape and string, to represent periods of time or ways of measuring. This will usually be made in the form of sculpture, video or amateur photography. I like art that makes you laugh. It’s always great when a piece of art is made with an audience in mind and they understand it.

What kind of art do you make?

I make art connected to outdoor environments and the life you can find there. Very often I will use photography as a means of documentation as well as for producing images. I draw and paint from that documentation using mixed media and experimental approaches. I have recently begun to create from observation and memory, to try to combat viewing life only through a lens.

Tell us about a recent project…

I’ve been taking photographs of discarded furniture that I am making into a collection of prints. I am then offering people ideas about how they could re-use them for things like paper aeroplanes or book marks. I am interested in why certain objects are considered redundant. It makes me so happy when I see a piece of furniture on the side of the road, waiting for someone to notice it.

Got any future plans?

Hopefully, a warmer studio space, we have always wanted to make a homely, comfortable space and warmth is a crucial part of that.

VERT

What’s it like to be an artist in Nottingham?

I think it can be quite a challenge. It’s difficult to reach a wider audience but events like Sherwood Arts Week enable many different types of artists to get their work seen by a larger range of people.

Favourite Nottingham public art piece?

Behind the Co-Op in Carrington there is a mosaic piece which just cheers up what could be quite a scary walk through. There are bits of objects stuck into the wall and it promotes putting your rubbish in the bin. An all-round good thing I think. gove-humphries.co.uk

Katrine Brosnan What’s your favourite kind of art?

I like art that is humorous, fun and sometimes political; I really enjoy the work of Bill Drummond and Richard Dedomenici who have both managed to make me think and smile.

What inspires and drives you?

Working in a charity shop inspires me as I rarely go home without adopting ‘unrecyclable’ treasures. I think you can find inspiration everyday in the most unlikely places.

What’s the best thing about being an artist?

Having the freedom to be creative and communicate ideas in a variety of ways and not needing to buy birthday or Christmas cards!

Tell us about a recent project…

I’ve just saved an old photocopier from a dust-ridden end and I am planning to use it to start up a small publishing press with Adam Goodge.

What’s your favourite thing about Nottingham?

Sherwood, it’s such a friendly place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.

What is your favourite animal and why?

A cat, because they are so clever and I like it when their mannerisms make them look like mini lions. I also have a soft spot for pigeons; I will just have to make sure I never get my two favourite animals in a room together.

Favourite Nottingham public art piece?

Not the Brian Clough statue! Probably the mosaic and mural next to the Co-Op in Carrington, I think it was created by local school children and it makes every trip to the studio a very cheery one. katrinebrosnan.wordpress.com

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What inspires and drives you?

I enjoy learning about natural history - just lately I have been reading Roger Deakin’s book Wildwood in which he travels amongst all kinds of woodland near and far. I’m really interested in human relationships with nature; how they are formed and sometimes lived out.

I then go on to make my own connections and attempt to represent them through the art I make. Fellow artists and friends or family often inspire me and spur me on.

Got any future plans?

I really enjoy being part of White Rabbit Studios and am looking forward very much to developing our space and making the most of any opportunities that we can create. I want to continue making art and I would also like to use my skills to help others create. I’ve also started sharing a stall with another friend at Hockley Arts Market, so am excited to see how that develops too.

What’s it like to be an artist in Nottingham?

I think I’ve been really lucky in meeting the people I have through growing up, being educated and working here in this city. They are the reasons I have enjoyed and still love being an artist in Nottingham. The local environments I visit inspire me too and I can’t see myself creating anywhere else at present.

Favourite Nottingham public art piece?

Some small bronze castings set into the pavement near Hucknall marketplace, which celebrate many different things about the local area. amandagoing.wordpress.com

Adam Goodge What kind of art do you make?

The kind of art you couldn’t really hang on a wall. I make art that is generally interactive and looks to engage with a wider audience than the white walls and stale halls of traditional art institutions. It’s sometimes performative, often photographic, occasionally video-based, frequently collaborative, with a bit of text and a few presentations.

What inspires and drives you?

Bizarrely, perhaps to some, the work and early lyrics of Cliff Richard - there’s a lot to be said for finding inspiration in the most unlikely places.

Tell us about a recent project…

Recently I began a snooker world tour; I plan to play everyone at a game of snooker in various venues on a portable snooker table.

I used to play as a child and was talking in a pub about how snooker is a bit like life - you get all these chances to progress and meet all these people as you try to figure out how to play and succeed. Some of it’s luck, some of it’s chance, there may even be a bit of skill involved - but in the end you always need to remember that it’s only a game.

What is your favourite animal and why?

Frogs. The main reason is Rupert and the Frog Chorus. ‘Win or lose, sink or swim, one thing is certain we’ll never give in, arm in arm, hand in hand, We all stand together.’ It may not be how a frog actually thinks, but even so frogs are underrated and I like them.

Favourite public art piece in Nottingham…

I like the tiles in Broadmarsh toilets. I’ve been there twice when I’ve been caught short, and my shopping experience was improved greatly by my visit. The tiles have been decorated with images made by schoolkids and they brighten up an otherwise reluctant visit to Broadmarsh public lavatories. adamgoodge.wordpress.com

MORE ART REVIEWS AND INTERVIEWS AT LEFTLION.CO.UK/ART 18

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

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01159 609 209

NORDMAN FIRS

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Write Lion

We’re running six reviews this issue, so that you can put your book orders in early with Santa and ensure you receive something other than socks, deodorant and a Homer Simpson shaving set. Before then, we will be collaborating with the Beatnik Guild and hosting a regular hour slot at The Arts Organisation on the first Friday of each month. And if that’s not enough our third literary podcast is online now! Big thanks to Alistair Catterall from the forum for helping select these poems.

Hot Stuff

by Marion Bell

Masturbation

by J C Milo

Ode to a Missing Pen

by Bucket

Come frost and snow, come sleet and rain you share my happiness and pain and warm me up on winter nights, there’s never any arguments or fights.

I’m sitting here in a vicious pool of my own malice Trying to flick off viscous strings of hate My world is stained, smothered in my revulsion, Everything leads back to me.

It’s got my stink all over it.

Shine it up with my snotty sleeve, Just spreading it around Spreading it thin so the glory stands out...

Greasy, Waxy, Alcoholic.

This is how people go mad, Trying to wash the self off themselves But like a mould it crawls back ground.

Ingrained.

In the space between the spaces.

Given time, it flowers - hideously Until its will takes over And it no longer lives on you, It lives because you do.

I loaned it to him, oh why did I loan it to him, he never gives pens back.

Leaving: A poem in 17 words

by MulletProofPoet

I’m sure I gave it to him, but if I ask, would he even remember?

You’re not that sexy in the nude but when you’re really in the mood you’re very easy to turn on and in the morning you’re not gone.

My blues can quickly turn to red you really are hot stuff in bed, my dear electric blanket.

Tiny Short Stories

by Harry Wilding Sam loved Jo. But – with The Beatles on the radio – he looked down at his freshly unwrapped socks sadly, knowing love was not all he needed.

It was my good one, the one with the squishy grip, the one that seems to not run out of ink, oh my missing pen, how I wish to find you, to be returned to you, to be reunited with you in my hand, to scribble or draw, to etch or write, to conjure a verse from your nib. but sorrow, as my pen is lost,

“Wait” called the unicorn, as the ark sailed out of the bay. It started to rain again.

The Colour of Blood Peter Youds

Cello & Other Stories Frances Thimann

Staple 71: The Art Issue Ed Wayne Burrows

Following in the footsteps of Bernard Cornwell’s Sharpe novels, The Colour of Blood follows the exploits of two Nottingham-born brothers as they march with the army of Sir Arthur Wellesley (later the Duke of Wellington) through Portugal and Spain. One an engineer and the other assigned as liaison to their temperamental Spanish ally, Youds has them at the centre of the action as Wellesley’s army fights off the French at Talavera.

Old age is a subject often dismissed as dull and uncomfortable, while the elderly themselves are perceived as a nuisance rather than an inspiration. This collection sets out to challenge standard caricatures and stereotypes attached to older people and in doing so, the author – a graduate from the NTU Creative Writing MA - has created eight beautifully written short stories that are observant, reflective and poetic, if somewhat melancholy in tone. Those who are now slow on their feet, ill and alone were once bright, vibrant and young and have the experiences and knowledge of a lifetime to share. Old age comes to us all (if we’re lucky), which is why this kind of writing serves as an uncomfortable reminder of our own mortality. As Abraham Lincoln famously advised, ‘It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.’

Aly Stoneman pewter-rose-press.com

To mark the opening of Nottingham Contemporary, Staple has dedicated their 71st issue to art and the relationship between word and image, writer and artist. As always it is the sheer breadth and range of subject matter that is so impressive, taking us from the Book of Kells to Mike Godley’s exploration of war and history in Silesia and stopping off to discover how Noam Chomsky and Albert Einstein have influenced Cornelia Parker. But it is Mel Fawcett’s hilarious The Gift which held my attention. In this, a carpenter turned painter develops a style that seems to ‘deliberately ignore the whole history of modern art.’

Unsurprisingly he is a massive success, which is a shock to his wife as he will only paint breasts. A very clever yet simple satire, it is the best homage to Bukowski I have ever read, yet always retains the author’s unique voice.

James Walker

Bicorn, £7.99

Based solidly on the real events and battles of the Peninsular War, Youds’ novel mixes action with well-researched historical detail and a real feel for the character of the times, and his likable heroes make a fair fist of buckling every swash in sight.

This novel is the second in a projected series that will take the brothers up to a final confrontation with Napoleon’s armies at Waterloo.

Robin Lewis bicorn.co.uk

Aztec Love Song Marty Ross

Weathervane Press, £7.99 Aztec Love Song is the second of three releases this year from local publisher Weathervane Press, and it is bold, rude and full of action. Newton Mearns, a Glasgow suburb, doesn’t know what’s hit it when an exotic stranger arrives to lay bare murderous secrets in a fit of vengeance. Melinda Carido, fresh from Mexico, is not the stranger she makes out: her history is tightly woven around the wealthy Hutchers, a resident family. Using all her sexual guile to insinuate herself into the lives of those closest to the family, Carido begins to plot her retribution, calling for pain, suffering and, ultimately, blood.

Ross paints a disturbing picture of the dark heart of suburbia, but the ill-defined characters betray the emotional potential of the story, and pitch the avenger against all too familiar foes. If you’re looking for merciless revenge and sexual adventure, this book is for you.

Bianca Winter www.weathervanepress.co.uk

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www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

Pewter Rose, £7

Staple, £10

staplemagazine.wordpress.com

No Way to Say Goodbye Rod Madocks No Way jacket .2:corrected version (17.2mm spine)

26/8/09

08:06

Page 1

Five Leaves, £9.99

“We are all waiting for someone to come back from the past bringing a lost happiness.”

In writing his debut novel, Rod Madocks has sacrificed a lot.

Firstly, he sold his house to finance writing it and secondly, he has taken the maximum security asylum as his setting, thereby risking alienation from his former work colleagues for exposing the hidden truths of the profession he worked in for fifteen years. Thank goodness he did.

Five steps lead up to the hidden world of the maximum security asylum. Jack Keyse is looking for the truth about what happened to his vanished lover. He uses his professional contacts to get close to those who might be responsible. At the same time he seeks forgetfulness in the chaos of his dissolute life. He comes to discover and take vengeance but when at last he finds out the truth the challenge is to live with that knowledge.

A haunting and sinister first novel that explores love, loss and the pursuit of an obsession.

Rod Madocks has worked in mental health for two decades, including forensic medicine and secure hospitals. He lives in Nottingham.

UK £8.99 www.fiveleaves.co.uk

Cover by Darius Hinks

Set over three parts, the novel follows the fortunes of Jack Keyse as he comes to terms with personal loss and seeks vengeance upon the person who has taken her from him, yet this is easier said than done. Consequently Keyse develops some complex relationships with characters which a less sensitive author would simply have demonised and constructed into a simplistic binary narrative of good versus evil. You may not necessarily be able to forgive someone for what they have done but understanding why is part of the healing process. A notable moral indeed.

James Walker fiveleaves.co.uk

The Girlfriend Experience Rebecca Dakin John Blake Publishing, £11.99

Books about escorts are either unremittingly grim or ludicrously varnished. This book, however, is written by a Notts girl who has come out the other side pretty much unscathed, and is probably nearer to the truth than most. Yes, there’s loads of sex in there, and you can’t read the book without either despising or feeling sorry for most of the punters, but the really shocking element is Dakin’s tone of voice – she comes across as a nice, decent, selfemployed woman writing a business memoir, only to rise up and slap you in the face with stories about being offered cash for sex with monkeys (which she turns down) and the hygiene problems of certain clients. Highly recommended for those interested in a less sensationalised depiction of sex work, and anyone who craves a contemporary female read devoid of ChickLit cliché-mongering. Expect an interview with the lady herself next issue...

Al Needham thegirlfriendexperience-bea.blogspot.com

Time, once again, to review all the latest and greatest Notts music we’ve been sent, If you have anything you want us to give the once-over, please visit: www.leftlion.co.uk/sendusmusic Captain Dangerous I Miss You Cos It’s Monday/Shoot Deserters Single (Danqua Records) Formed by former flatmates Adam Clarkson and Miles Clark, with Mark Houlgate and newest member Ben Farnsworth, Captain Dangerous have had an incredible ascendency.

Accompanying Dirty Pretty Things and The Holloways on the road and currently collecting endless confirmation of their talent and praise from musical peers both far and wide for their playful indie tunes, which they deliver with quirky panache. From this single, you can clearly see why their folkindie stylings have been praised for exuding light-hearted and affable charm.

This single follows up their well-received album, May’s The House That Jack Hayter Built, and is a superb dose of entertainment, with a curious distorted vocal and what could be called a jolly melody on the title track, which will easily have you singing along before the end of even your first listen.

Flipside Shoot Deserters gives exposure to a well-layered vocal and more than a hint of strings. Their assault on the UK gig scene has won them national acclaim, and with dates still in the Nottingham gig diary, it’s definitely worth catching them on the basis of this EP alone before they fly the Notts nest possibly for good. Nik Storey Available from iTunes and 7 Digital, with physical copies available to order through the band’s website. captaindangerous.com EmceeKilla Mind of a Tehranist LP (Dealmaker Records) While this decade saw commercial US hip-hop finally buckle under the weight of a massive diamondencrusted crucifix made of testosterone, retail addiction and creative bankruptcy, the British scene ripped the baton from the originators and ran headlong into unchartered waters. This is the last great Notts-Hop release from a decade that’s been rammed with them, from a former member of local collective Lost Project with an Iranian mother and an MI5 whistle-blowing father. Subsequently, the lyrical content is a bit deeper than encouraging the womenfolk of the area to shake their arses, and the sonic feel is - to lift a word from a previous era - dark. The standout tracks are obviously the familiar ones – the Clash-sampling Guns of Britain and the Zammo-tastic More British – but the newer material is a deeply unsettling suite of Gothic beats and spat-out sheets of crabbed, undiluted anger at the state of play in the 51st State.

Killa was always one of the top MCs in his adopted city; now he’s one of the strongest voices in the UK. As the man says; “Remember: this is merely art, do your own research.”

Al Needham Available from dealmakerrecords.com, Amazon, and Napster. myspace.com/mckilla05,

Marc Reeves Shadows Album (Self-released) Marc Reeves is an 18 year-old singersongwriter and frontman of local 60s-tinged alt-pop sorts Dax, and – as displayed in this more acoustic solo debut - his lyrics, music and voice ooze a rare musical maturity that defy his age. The opening – and title – track has a very simple and slow drum beat that continues throughout much of the album, giving off an extremely chilled yet accomplished vibe with the focus firmly on the songwriting.

Reeves likes to keep things uncomplicated and straight to the point, and there are moments on Shadows that work brilliantly.

Games shows us what he’s capable of vocally, while Where You Belong introduces a multitude of layers and sounds. Morning In Winter adds extra texture to the collection with a dark, haunting sound, that shows that there is an artist lurking here wishing to push himself and try out new sounds. This is clearly a man with great song-writing ability, and this is a solid offering from a promising musician. Do yourself a favour and check him out immediately. Jack Tunnecliff Available at gigs and from marcreevesmusic.1freecart.com myspace.com/mjronline

The Death Notes The Death Notes EP (Self-released)

Gareth Peter Dicks Bluebird Album (Escape Records)

Since Seattle’s grunge heyday, many alt-rock bands have been searching for that winning formula that allows the blending of quiet, haunting melodies with a loud, punching chorus, to mixed success. One band who seems to have nailed it are The Death Notes, who have found that fine balance between raw intensity and polished production. Their feedback-heavy yet slick guitars hit the mark perfectly, whilst the vocals have the sound of a live show but still remain impressive enough for a record.

Gareth Peter Dicks has previously composed five musicals. Bluebird, set against the backdrop of WWII, is certainly his most ambitious to date. As is often the case with warbased dramas, love is the defining narrative, and in over 24 songs spanning five years we are taken on an emotional rollercoaster that only the insane conditions of war could produce.

The standout track on this five-song offering is Seismic, a battle-cry that builds slowly until exploding into a glorious riot of guitars, drums and feedback. The band have been compared to Sonic Youth - and the influence is evident in their dissonant yet melodic sound, creating that well-worn familiar feeling that comes when you hear great music. If they can create more moments like Seismic and the chilling but pretty EP Closer Cold Dawn, they could be well on their way to being one of the best bands that Nottingham has to offer. Lauren Walker Available from Amazon, I-tunes, LaLa.com, Nokia Store, Napster and LimeWire Store thedeathnotes.com Felix You Are The One I Pick Album (Kranky) This debut from Lucinda Chua and Chris Summerlin is awash with haunting, yet chillingly beautiful, chamber pop. The focus is on Lucinda’s gentle and warm piano, that weaves it way throughout the album, grounding the songs in its earthy tones. Then the songs are framed with guitar that gently shimmers and shines, adding just the right amount of flavour without ever taking focus away from the singing and piano, making the record ebb and flow naturally without being drowned in layers of instruments. Occasionally, such as on What I Learned From TV, violins float in and over the music adding another dimension to the already thoughtful and delicate music.

The lyrics have a melancholic, haunting charm and there is a kind of child-like whimsy present in their delivery. Not to suggest that they are naïve or simple; quite the opposite.

They are wrapped up in playful wordplay or expound romantic storytelling, as showcased in the roaming trickiness of Marlboro Man. The delicate nature of Lucinda’s voice lures you in to a false-sense of innocence. This is mature and beautiful music.

Both Lucinda and Chris clearly have a lot of respect for each other, and it’s rare that a collaboration between two talents is as fulfilling as this is. This is an album that on first listen seems simple and straightforward, but repeated listening brings multiple pleasures as hidden depths slowly reveal themselves.

Paul Klotschkow Available from iTunes and kranky.net myspace.com/mybeautifulfelix

Royal Gala Royal Gala EP (Self-Released) Royal Gala are a nine-piece Notts collective who boast guitar, synth, flute, percussion and a brass section.

The band throw in ska and latin inflections, plus break-beats and samples to what is already a fullyblown soulful tropical gangster-type sound mix. The horns are great: brassy and memorable. The vocals superb: passionate and varied. The playing throughout is inspired. It sounds ‘live’.

It sounds lively. It sounds like a band. Opening track Boom Stakka blazes away, driven by raspy horns. Boss adds a bit of Bossa Nova. Can’t Stand Me throws up echoes of two-tone.

And in Constantinople comes the funk. Overall, it’s great stuff.

Genuine pop-soul territory, in fact.

So forget sticking a donk, deep bass or woof on it. Add a proper bit of four-string sorcery and have done with it. Get ‘em up on the good foot. And keep ‘em there. This is a band that will keep you up on the dance floor dancing in to the small hours until your feet are numb and your clothes are soaked through with sheer joy and abandonment. Andy Afford Available through the band’s website and at gigs. myspace.com/royalgalaband

Obviously, listening to a musical is very different to watching the cast perform on stage, and so there is arguably a greater need for an emotive connection. This comes through dramatic crescendos and trumpeting fanfares with vocals from West End stars such as Ramin Karimloo. However on occasion there is a tendency to over-sentimentalise, such as with Family Man, but this might be a limitation of the genre than a failing on the part of the composer. The important thing is that you connect with the narrative and are transported back to an era of sacrifice and solidarity, when people had pride in both themselves and ‘Blighty’ and most importantly of all, hope was enough to get you through hard times. To hear an interview with Peter, download the third WriteLion podcast from leftlion.co.uk/ podcasts. James Walker Available from dresscircle.co.uk, soundofmusic.de and footlight.com garethpeterdicks.co.uk Red Shoe Diaries Red Shoe Diaries EP (Self Released) I first saw Red Shoe Diaries at the Chameleon not long after I’d moved to town, and remember being impressed by their slightly shambolic but catchy surf guitars and kitsch boy-girl vocals. They are evidently on the up, as their recorded experience doesn’t disappoint, exuding warm overtones and exhibiting the charm of a battered Belle and Sebastian EP rotating under a slightly fluffy record needle. Track one Introduction starts with simple chords and soft harmonies building and eases into Fireflies with catchy piano chords, surf-guitar solos and trumpetlike strains, echoing some Ennio Morricone soundtrack to a Spaghetti Western. The music is gentle, but the lyrics are witty, self-aware and occasionally very poignant. This comes though best, perhaps, in Infinity+1 - full marks for excellent use of the word ‘trite’ in a pop-song that might otherwise be described as twee! Underage Disco makes you long for a new series of Channel 4’s Teachers just so it can go on the soundtrack, while Jesus Don’t Care exhibits a true Beach Boys vibe.

Overall, the sensation is rather like poking your head out from the warm security of the duvet on the Sunday morning after a break-up to find the sun streaming through a gap in the curtains; nostalgic, bittersweet but with the promise of beautiful new things to come. Bod Fonda Available through request from their MySpace and at gigs myspace.com/redshoediariesmusic Timothy J Simpson Our Glorious Hero Battles The Man Album (Concentration City Records) Acoustic singer-songwriter types are more common than an Amy Winehouse trip to the hospital,so it takes a little spark of inspiration to stand out from the crowd. With Our Glorious Hero Battles The Man, Timothy J Simpson not only is he leaping above his peers, it’s like he’s strapped a jetpack to his back.

He sets out his stall immediately with Wolves, a song barely a minute long that’s lovingly draped in feedback. This is a man willing to take risks and to tell his listeners “If you like this, then come in for more. If you don’t, leave immediately - we don’t want your sort here anyway.” Those that stay are treated to a talent with a droll sense of humour and a way of spinning stories out of the mundane trivia of everyday life.

The Centurion is delivered as a stream of consciousness by a narrator who speaks of a sister who is a moron and a mum on medication. Best of all is The Beast That Lived Behind The Bank, a mix between Pavement’s slacker-rock and some antifolk scamp in ripped up converse and an ill-fitting t-shirt, but without the hipster knob cheese. Paul Klotschkow Available via Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, Napster and CD Baby www.timothyjsimpson.com leftlion.co.uk/issue32

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LEFTLION LISTINGS DECEMBER-JANUARY 2010

TICKETS ON-LION Buying tickets for events in Notts? From the latest DJs at Stealth to the latest bands at venues like Seven and The Rescue Rooms, you can get them all through our website, at no extra cost. Even better, thanks to our partnership with gigantic. co.uk, every time you buy one through us some of the funds will go towards LeftLion and a bit more goes to those nice folks at Oxfam. leftlion.co.uk/tickets

It’s The Final Countdown

New Years Eve in Notts: it’s gonna be messy...

Yes, it’s that time again where you start planning what you’re going to do to say goodbye to the last year and hello to a new one. Since 2005, LeftLion have helped to make the choice easy for many of you by putting on big shindigs ourselves, but this year we’ve decided to have a year off and instead wander round Forest Fields clutching a bottle of Aldi vodka, with an ear cocked for the sound of a random party and an insistence that ‘Dave’ said it was alright to come over. That’s us well and truly sorted - but we have no intention of leaving you in the lurch...

Detonate are offering up the massive Countdown 2009 event, with the likes of Andy C, Beardyman, Fabio, High Contrast, The Scratch Perverts and dozens more at Rock City, Stealth and The Rescue Rooms. Tickets start at £26. More information on page X. Meanwhile, Dogma residents Tony Global and Tom Freeman will be up for the occasion, with the venue offering free drinks to people who turn up in fancy dress - check page X for the full SP. If you’re entering the new decade in a parlous financial state, Basement Boogaloo are running a Dole Disco at The Maze. At the bargain price of just £1 all night with residents Nick Shaw and Beane on the decks and a Funktion One soundsystem in the house, this probably ranks as the one of the best deals of the night. If you fancy a laugh, on the other hand, Just The Tonic are offering up their usual NYE comical fare at the Approach, with Ivan Brackenbury (self proclaimed saviour of North Derbyshire Hospital Radio), Henning Wehn (Germany’s Comedy Ambassador) and Seann Walsh (who has been compared to Dylan Moran) on the mic – alongside club owner and compere Darrell Martin.

The Ropewalk in Canning Circus are about to confirm a couple of well-respected local DJs, with free entry and a late licence - or if you fancy a bit of Mod action then park your Scooter up against the Lidl on Mansfield Road as Ronnie London’s are taking over The Grosvenor for the evening – tickets are £10. If you’re out Trent Bridge way and fancy something a bit more formal, then The Southbank Bar are doing a black tie ball with music from the likes of the Joe Strange Band and Richie Muir – entry is £15 and includes an all you can eat barbecue. And The Robin Hood in Sherwood have live music from covers band Urban Legends – entry is £5 and includes food and a glass of champagne.

As usual, there’ll be loads of other cool stuff going across Nottingham on the night, and other venues will be confirming their activities very soon - best check leftlion.co.uk/listings for the full lowdown.

However, if you want to experience the proper Notts New Year, then go round a load of pubs in town in the evening, and gather in the Market Square for about 11.45pm. As the bells signal the start of another twelve months, grab a granny or granddad (depending on your preference) and snog the face off someone who you wouldn’t even look at on a normal night. Feels good doesn’t it?

For even more listings, check our regularly updated online section at leftlion.co.uk/listings.

If you want to get your event in this magazine and on our website, aim your browser at leftlion.co.uk/add.

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www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32

featured listing

Viva Johnny Vegas

Words: Jared Wilson

Johnny Vegas is one of the most famous comic actors on the UK circuit. He’s hung around with a monkey, starred alongside Johnny Depp in The Libertine, played weed fiend Moz in BBC’s Ideal and become a regular face on UK TV panel shows. Luckily for us, when he fancies a quick foray back into stand-up he pays a trip to Nottingham - and Just The Tonic in particular. He’s back again this December, compering their Christmas show at the Royal Centre...

So, tell us about this Christmas gig…

There’ll be all kinds of craziness like making decorations and other things. I like being able to play around a bit as well - at a Christmas show you want the comics to come and let their hair down along with the audience. Two days before I’ll be saying why “oh why have I put myself up for this?” but I’ll always do them, as I really like both the club and Darrell (JTT owner) as a promoter he likes to see you having fun and doesn’t have too set an idea of what a comic should be doing.

How many times have you been to Nottingham?

Probably forty or fifty times? I dunno… I did a lot of compering and stand up at Just the Tonic six or seven years ago. When I was coming down regularly we got really into that film The Big Lebowski, so we’d all go down to the AMF bowling alley quite a lot, to the point that we became regulars and the staff got to know us. I’ve not got the ankles for ice skating, you see, so I could never have a proper go on your international ice rink.

Some of your previous gigs here have been pretty bizarre…

Yes, lots of my favourite stories are from gigs that have happened in Nottingham. Once I arrived really late and they had to close the venue, so we all went into the car park at the back instead and I ended up auctioning off everything from my bag – my toiletries and all that. Another time we had a bonfire where people actually burnt themselves. Oops! Then there was a night where I was singing in a wheelie bin, being passed around the tables like pass the parcel. When i’d stop, the table would win a round of drinks.

I think it’s a sign of a really good comedy club when you don’t have to do your greatest hits, but can go and play about instead.

When you’ve got people who go to comedy gigs regularly in the audience, they can appreciate something different.

I hear you’ve recently got engaged again? Congratulations…

Yeah… thank you, you’re the first person in the press to ask me directly. I have got engaged, there’s no denying it, but I’m quite pleased that we’ve kept it below the radar for as long as we have, so I don’t want to talk about it at length if that’s okay.

No worries. But last time you got hitched you sold your wedding photos to Viz for £1. I take it that whole Hello Magazine culture irritates you too then?

My take on it was always that if you’re well known enough that people actually want to pay for the pictures, then you’ve probably already got enough money to cover your own wedding. I find those occasions very odd.

There was talk of you being cast in a Shane Meadows production a while back. Is that a non-starter now?

It looks that way. We did a three-day workshop for a project for the BBC. He was editing Dead Man’s Shoes at the time and the way it ended was incredibly frustrating. Anyone who’s worked with Shane knows he never works with a finished script, but the BBC were dead set on having that in front of them and so it didn’t work. I’ve been in touch with him since and if he ever – it always sounds needy this, doesn’t it? – if he ever cast us, it’d be great.

But there are no immediate plans that I know of.

What’s the last thing that made you laugh?

A repeat of Shooting Stars on TV last night, and it just happened to be the episode where Matt Lucas sang the baked potato song.

It still makes me laugh now.

Have you seen the new series? Would you go back onto it?

I caught one of them, but it’s hard to watch really as you just want to be there yourself. Yeah, I would have gone back on it in a flash if they’d asked me - filming it was just too much fun to ever call work. But I respect Vic and Bob’s choices and if they want to move on and try something different then so be it.

Johnny Vegas plays the Just The Tonic Christmas party at the Royal Centre on Monday 21 December. You can hear an extended audio version of this interview on LeftLion’s Poddingham podcast on leftlion.co.uk/podcasts justthetonic.com

Love Blazing Tunes, Hate Racist Buffoons Keen on harmonies and polyrhythms? Not massively impressed with racial prejudice? Have we got an event for you...

The English Defence League - a shower of pinch-faced racist bell-ends and middle-aged football casuals who are too thick to spell ‘BNP’ - are coming to the Square on Saturday 5 December to warn us that all Muslims want to eat our babies and blow themselves up in Viccy Centre. Let’s not mess about, here - these people are outright vermin. Previous EDL events around the country have ended with Nazi salutes, racial attacks, and the sort of mouth-breathery we’ve come to accept from the sort of people who can’t accept that Hitler got his arse kicked in 1945.

Obviously, all right-minded Notts folk are well dischuffed about tossers like these coming over here and inconveniencing our Emos, so something is to be done about it; a counter-demonstration, which has been organised on Facebook by normal people of all races who can’t be doing with such twattery. Your attendance is fully expected.

Before that happens, however, there’s a gig afoot aimed at raising awareness about the EDL on Thursday 3 December, under the banner of Love Music Hate Racism: an organisation devoted to celebrating a multi-cultural society via impressive music events. This multigenre night brings together hip-hop lyricist Emcee Killer with a firing reggae set from DJ collective Rigbee Deep and the reggae ska sounds of Jimmy The Squirrel. There will also be poetry on the night and a many more talented artists stepping up to support the cause.

The bucket will be rattled for the cause of LMHR and any proceeds will go towards funding further projects and events.

Love Music Hate Racism, Muse, Thursday December 3rd. 7pm - 2am. £3 after 7pm. lovemusichateracism.com

nottingham event listings...

Tuesday 01/12

Thursday 03/12

Many Things Untold Seven

Wire and Wool The Alley Cafe Free, 8.30pm - 1am

First Tuesdays The Approach Free, 8pm

Mark Lockheart Quintet Bonington Theatre £5 / £8 / £10, 8pm

The Answer Rock City £13, 7.30pm

DIVE vs Curriculum The Market Bar £3, 9pm

Shadows Fall The Rescue Rooms £10, 6.30pm

Love Music Hate Racism Muse 7pm - 2am

Wednesday 02/12

Sonic Syndicate Rock City £7, 7pm

Thomas Dybdahl The Bodega £6.50, 8pm

Breadchasers The Central £3, 8pm - late

Richie Muir The Approach Free, 8pm

Gurf Morlix The Maze £10, 7.30pm

Gary Numan Rock City £19.50, 7.30pm The Pleasure Principle Tour

The Horrors The Rescue Rooms £10, 6.30pm

Notts in a Nutshell The Maze £3, 8pm The Myways, The Kingship, Scrapbook Heroes, King Elle Ian Broudie and James Walsh The Rescue Rooms £16.50, 7.30pm

Thursday 03/12 Songs by Canadians The Golden Fleece Free, 8pm Marya Roxx Seven 8pm Plus Voodoo Johnson, Union X and Liberty Slaves.

Urban Intro Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Allegri String Quartet Lakeside Arts Centre £9 / £12, 7.30pm - 9.20pm

WOOF!

for more: leftlion.co.uk/listings

Gagging to be let off the leash on Wednesday nights?

Have a sniff round Dogma…

Dogma’s reputation for quality music events (after all, it won the Nottingham Bar Awards’ Best Music Venue gong a while back) is set to be solidified with a brand new midweek event: Doggy Styles. It’s the brainchild of resident DJs Tony Global and Tom Freeman, who have joined forces to create DogmaDJs.com.

Tony’s been down with Dogma since day one, and has forged a reputation as a veteran DJ with the broadest musical palette with residences at Heavenly Social, Breakdown at The Bomb and Ministry Of Sound. Tom, on the other hand, has put in serious work for the renowned Spectrum as a breakbeat specialist.

The fruits of their labour - a fusion of turntables, laptops and video projectors, quality music, stunning visuals - will be in full effect at Dogma.

‘Doggy Styles is a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun for Nottingham’s midweek crowd. You can chill out with cocktails, soak up some visuals and - if you’re up for it - get your dance on,’ says Tom. ‘Playing alongside Tony brings out a new creative edge to my DJ sets. For the visuals expect Soul Train to Family Guy and everything in between.’

And if you daren’t risk narking off your boss on Thursday morning, fear not; DogmaDJs.com will be controlling the venue on New Years Eve. Expect a hectic night spread over three floors, quality vibes, cutting-edge music, free drinks for anyone in fancy dress, complimentary flavoured vodka shots all night long, and two projectors displaying the countdown on big screens so you don’t miss out on the snogging.

Doggy Styles, every Wednesday, Dogma, 9 Byard Lane, NG1 2JG. Tel: 0115 9886830 dogmabars.com

Friday 04/12

Friday 04/12

Friday 04/12

Sunday 06/12

Filthy Smith The Robin Hood Free, 9pm

Garrison and The Hum Deux 8pm

The Crave Rock City £6, 7pm

Alice in Chains Rock City £22.50, 7pm

The Big Dig with Holmes The Golden Fleece Free, 8pm

Dino Baptiste The Approach Free, 8pm

Saturday 05/12

Har Mar Superstar The Bodega £8.50, 7pm

Bluesdog The Lion Inn Free, 7pm

Swallow The Sun Seven £8 adv, 8pm Swallow The Sun, Insomnium, Ominium Gatherum, Threnody and Pathosis.

The Joe Strange Band Southbank Bar Free, 7pm

Cult: Utah Jazz / Furney Brownes £4 after 11pm, 8pm - late

New Swing All Stars Shaws Restaurant and Cafe Bar Free, 8.30pm - 11pm

Alice Cooper Royal Centre £32.50, 7pm

The Music of Queen Trent FM Arena Nottingham £27.50 - £35, 8pm

Pendulum ( DJ set) and MC Verse Stealth £10, 10pm

Back To Basics If you’ve lived in Nottingham for more than a couple of months and haven’t solely limited your nights out to Oceana then you will have heard of Nottingham’s established DJ collective, Rigbee Deep. A committed crew consisting of Jah Bundy (reggae/ska), Minister Hill (funk/soul), Nowhere Common (hip-hop) and I-Dread (reggae dub), they are all about positive vibes, unity, having a good time and getting folk to cut some rug as often as possible.

With previous residencies at Wax, The Loft, The Golden Fleece, Blueprint and Pure Filth they are currently at the Alley Café and bringing you lucky people Back to Basics: a monthly sound system night at the Maze. The night is all about Jamaican-inspired, music from the ska shuffle era, through rocksteady and roots reggae to early dancehall combined with a laid-back ethos and skills behind the decks.

Back to Basics is also hoping - culinary skills permitting - to serve tea and Jamaican cuisine from December and after borrowing bits of equipment from the mighty Highness Sound System back in the early days of Rigbee Deep, they’re now making maximum use of a 3.5k rig (i.e. a bleddy massive sound system that will shake you from your toes to the tips of your hair).

Jah Bundy and I-Dread are the resident DJs, with each month showcasing a guest selector or two and Highness emcees Raffiki, Doktah and Baron D providing vocal accompaniment. Not hard to see why they have already been picks of the week in The Guardian’s Guide listings on two occasions already.

December guests include Dubheart, a Bournemouth-based roots reggae band who are club and festival favourites. Shine up your dancing shoes and be prepared to shake it.

Back To Basics, Saturday 5 December, The Maze, 257 Mansfield Road, 9pm - 3am, £5 themazerocks.com

Smokin Hogs The Robin Hood Free, 9pm Wildside Clubnight Seven 8pm The Soul Ska Shakedown The Golden Fleece Free, 8pm Jason Hart Band Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Allegri String Quartet with Graham Oppenheimer Lakeside Arts Centre £12 / £15, 7.30pm - 9.10pm Rigbee Deep: Back to Basics The Maze £5, 9pm - 3am Dubheart ft MC Tenja, Jah Bundy and I-dread, The Highness MCs I’m Not From London The Malt Cross Free, 8pm-1am Spaceships are Cool, We Show Up On Radar, Red Shoe Diaries, Owain The Joe Strange Band The Approach Free, 8pm Wednesday 13’s Gunfire 76 The Rescue Rooms £12, 6.30pm plus very special guests Bullets and Octane DJ Chef and Kutz The Bodega £6, 10pm with Senate, Yoshi and Sik Note Modfathers The Lion Inn Free, 7pm Monster Magnet Rock City £15, 6.30pm Plus Karma To Burn and Lions Naive New Beaters Stealth £5, 10.15pm

Fab 4 Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Paul Barrere & Fred Tackett The Maze £15, 7.30pm Lowline The Bodega £6, 8pm Gregg Cave and The Village Hall Band The Robin Hood Free, 8pm

Monday 07/12 Liars Club Presents The Bodega £8, 9pm With Ariel Pink.

Tuesday 08/12 Dead Confederate The Bodega £6, 8pm Propagandhi Rock City £13, 7.30pm Plus Protest the Hero and Strike Anywhere.

Richie Muir The Approach Free, 8pm Natalie Imbruglia The Rescue Rooms £12.50, 7pm

Wednesday 09/12 Tenek The Bodega 7pm Plus Louis Gordon, Lost Controllers, DJ set from N.S.J. Richie Muir The Approach Free, 8pm Symphony Cult and Moscow The Maze £5, 8pm www.leftlion.co.uk/issue32 leftlion.co.uk/issue32

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event listings...

Wednesday 09/12

Friday 11/12

Dreadzone The Rescue Rooms £12.50, 7.30pm

Zoey Van Goey The Bodega £7.50, 8pm With support from Jim Lockey and the Setting Sun.

Shed Seven Rock City £16.50, 7pm

Thursday 10/12 The Cinematics The Bodega £5, 8pm You-V-Me Seven 8pm Plus The Souvenirs and Sirty Tux. Free Control The Golden Fleece Free, 8pm Lily Allen Trent FM Arena Nottingham £23, 7pm Jazz Club The Alley Cafe Free, 8.30pm - 1am Joglaresa - ‘Four Thousand Winters’ Lakeside Arts Centre £9 / £12, 7.30pm Led Bib Bonington Theatre £5 / £8 / £10, 8pm Dive Does The Big One! The Market Bar £3, 9pm Set Your Goals The Rescue Rooms £10, 6.30pm Alestorm Rock City £11, 7pm Plus The Rotted & Edens Curse

Wholesome Fish The Robin Hood Free, 9pm The Legendary Dolly Disco Moog Free, 8pm - 2am Sould Deux £tbc, 8pm Roy De Wired The Approach Free, 8pm Hackenbush The Lion Inn Free, 7pm Rigbee Deep The Alley Cafe Free, 8:30pm - 1am With Minister Hill, Nowhere Common and Jah Bunndy.

A Funeral Party 2 The Central Luxury Stranger, The Amber Herd, In Isolation Flux Sessions Muse £5, 8pm Phaelah, Hyetal, Swarms, The Elementz, Coltrane Soul and Saulya.

Rubber Room The Maze £3, 10pm Rock City in the 90s club night Rock City £3, 10pm

Saturday 12/12 The Herb Birds The Robin Hood Free, 9pm

for more: leftlion.co.uk/listings

To Die For Fanboys and girls of Nottingham: rejoice!

Having serviced many a fans’ need for horror, sci-fi and fantasy TV and movie memorabilia over the last five years through mail order, The Monster Store have opened a shop on Derby Road for all to peruse at leisure. The shop has a never-ending, ever-changing line of stock that mere comic shops alone cannot bring to this fair city. It also seems that these might be the guys to go to if you have any burning questions about films that Google can’t answer.

The Monster Store’s passion for all things horror/sci-fi/fantasy is apparent by the huge range of screen-used movie props, replica props, toys, kits, t-shirts, posters and pretty much anything else movie-related you can think of. Ever fancied owning a manhole cover from Gotham City that Christian Bale may have trodden on during filming? A feathered quill used on the set of Harry Potter? Or maybe you’re the generous type and would like to gift a loved one with a Wonka Bar from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or a replica Fight Club bar of soap? Yep, pick a film and there’s a good chance they’ll have (or be able to get their hands on) something from that film for you.

The shop was opened in October in true style by none other than the heavy-breather himself, Dave Prowse, a.k.a.

Darth Vader - oh, and a few Stormtroopers and Imperial Officers for good measure. In the shop’s short lifespan it has also had guests in the shapes of Pinhead, Butterball and Chatterer from the Hellraiser films for the Halloween weekend. Clearly they’re not messing about - and it’ll be worth keeping your eyes peeled to see who they’ll be bringing to Nottingham in the future.

The Monster Store, 110 Derby Road, Nottingham, NG1 5FB. Tel: 0115 950 50 55 themonsterstore.co.uk

Saturday 12/12

Saturday 12/12

Monday 14/12

Glenn Tilbrook The Rescue Rooms £15, 7pm

The Joe Strange Band The Approach Free, 8pm

The Magic Numbers The Bodega £10, 8pm

Reprogression launch night!

The Loft Free, 10pm - late

Tuesday 15/12

Wild Wood Southbank Bar Free, 7pm

B and J Presents The Old Angel £4, 8pm - late Taken By The Tide, Sleaford Mods, Tusken Coalition, Lotus, Johnny Crump (DJ), Kworyl, Hosted By Duke01 (Papa La Bas)

Abba - The Show Trent FM Arena Nottingham £35, 7pm

Airborne The Lion Inn Free, 7pm

Becky Syson Deux 8pm

Hit The Roof The Loft: it’s back.

The new team behind this impressive wooden beamed space are none other than the chaps behind Blueprint (the recently closed club of legendary underground status) and with fifteen years of experience in events organisation, hospitality and the arts they’re planning on keeping the doors open for a long time.

The opening weekend was rammed to the rafters with live art, circus performers, magicians, VJs and, of course, some of Nottingham’s most popular DJs and bands.

Missed it? Not to worry, this wasn’t a one-off event - The Loft will be actively supporting and showcasing Nottingham’s culture and arts scene by regularly making space available for artists, producers, VJs and DJs.

As the owner hails from South Africa, The Loft will also be bringing a little slice of Bok-town to Nottingham in the form of the food that’s available. The menu will include a traditional English Sunday roast, as well as a weekly menu that will have traditional British fare and South African soul food on offer. With the promise of seasonal, and predominantly organic, locally sourced ingredients and fair trade products, the food sounds like it will be more than tasty and morally conscious to boot.

For all you apple lovers out there, the bar not only stocks your usual ales, lagers, spirits and wines but will primarily be a cider bar with a choice of five well known traditional and draught ciders as well as local guest ciders and organic, fair trade and vegan wines. Oh, and for the more refined drinker, a selection of tasty cocktails.

So, if you fancy a drink, a dance, a bite to eat and like to be cultured at the same time without much effort, pop up and check it out. And if you want to get involved, get in touch with Chilly@theloftbar.net for music, performance and entertainment or kat@theloftbar.net for art and sculpture. They’re ready to facilitate, develop and display...

The Loft, 217 Mansfield Road NG1 3FS theloftbar.net

24

leftlion.co.uk/issue32

An Audience with Carl Froch The Approach £10, 7pm Beak Stealth £11, 7.30pm

Wednesday 16/12

Cold light of Dat The Johnson Arms Free, 8pm

Richie Muir The Approach Free, 8pm

All In The Same Gang - Xmas Blow Out The Old Angel 7pm - 1am

Bad Manners The Rescue Rooms £15, 7.30pm Plus Max Sploge and The Rude Girls

Ghoul Garden The Maze £3.50, 9pm Bizarre Festival 2009 Seven 7.30pm The Death Notes, Trioxin Cherry, Satnam Tash, Zadkiel, The Double Entendres, Company Contrary Skin Rock City £15, 7pm

Sunday 13/12 The Establishment Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Deeper Reaper The Robin Hood Free, 8.30pm The Find / Hubris / Zadkiel The Golden Fleece Free, 8pm The Franchise The Central £4, 7.30pm The Franchise, The Kingship and Spitfish.

Folkus Presents The Maze £3, 8pm Drag The River Rock City £10, 7.30pm Plus Chris Wollard and The Ship Thieves

UB40 Trent FM Arena Nottingham £32.50, 7pm Plus Eddy Grant.

Thursday 17/12 Jumpers for Goalposts The Alley Cafe Free, 8.30 - 1am Chain Reaction - A Celebration of The Crusaders Bonington Theatre £5 - £10, 8pm Rod Mason (saxes), Kevin Holborough (trombone), Andy Chollerton (keyboards), Jez Platt (guitar), Ben Crosland (bass) and Mark Fletcher (drums).

The Return of Tom Warner The Market Bar £3, 9pm Soulsavers feat Mark Lanegan The Rescue Rooms £12.50, 7.30pm Jungle Bells The Maze £3, 9pm Deaf Havana Rock City £6, 7pm Plus The Scarlet Desire Marilyn Manson Trent FM Arena Nottingham £26, 6.30pm

nottingham event listings...

Friday 18/12

Saturday 19/12

The Dizzy Club The Robin Hood Free, 9pm

Your Demise Rock City £8, 6.30pm Plus The Eyes of a Traitor, This is Colour and Brutality will Prevail.

I’m Not From Brooklyn Speak Easy £5, 7pm - 2am Roy De Wired The Approach Free, 8pm Buzzard and The Stumble Bros The Lion Inn Free, 7pm Hardcore Rapture’s First Christmas Snug £8, 10pm - 6am Revolution Sounds The Maze £5 for charity, 8pm Babar Luck, Squab, Jonny One Lung, Liam O’Kane, Gecko, Perkie and Joe Slater.

Saturday 19/12 Goldie Lookin’ Chain The Rescue Rooms £12, 7pm Shades of Blue The Robin Hood Free, 9.30pm Steve McGill Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Christmas In Notts Muse £3, 9 pm - Late Charlee Brown, Afro Blue, Lethargy and Hurst, Solitare, Still Motion and Supreme.

Spacehopper The Lion Inn Free, 7pm Smokescreen The Maze £5, 9pm

North Atlantic Oscillation Stealth £5, 10.15pm

Sunday 20/12 Babyshambles Rock City £22, 7.30pm The Modfathers Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Status Quo Trent FM Arena Nottingham £31.50, 7.30pm Martha Rose The Robin Hood Free, 8pm Doledrum Xmas Party The Maze £4, 8pm

Monday 21/12 Acoustickle The Maze £3, 8pm

Wednesday 23/12 Notts in a Nutshell The Maze £3, 8pm

Thursday 24/12 Richie Muir Southbank Bar Free, 7pm Arboretum Records Christmas Extravaganza The Alley Cafe Free, 8.30pm - 12.30am

for more: leftlion.co.uk/listings

Detonate

Pondering over the myriad options on how to see out the decade with a bang this year? Unsure that what’s currently on offer will satisfy your cravings for a multi-genre sonic assault? Stop dithering about, soft lad (or lass) - the mighty Detonate are pulling out all the stops once again for a post-solstice mash-down.

As was the case at last years sell-out event, Countdown 2009 will be taking over The Rescue Rooms, Stealth and Rock City. And once again they’re coming team-handed - with an array of established promoters who will be filling every room, every nook and every cranny with the heady tang of Partay. Need names? Try Hospitality, Dollop, Wigflex, Basslaced, Tomb Crew and Rubberdub, for starters, all representing their respective grooves of choice.

Drum and bass-wise, the king of the upfront scene Andy C and new-skooler Breakage will be representing, whilst High Contrast, Logistics and Cyantific will all be selecting for the Hospital records camp. Radio One will be in the house in the shape of Annie Mac and Fabio, while dubstep aficianados will not be disappointed with the presence of Caspa and Shackleton (whose ever intricate deep basslines are the signature of the impressive output of his Skull Disco label).

Award-winning beatboxer Beardyman, The Scratch Perverts (prizes for guessing how many decks they choose to display their skills on) and Ramadanman will be in the area, and - as per usual with a Detonate shindig - the list of talented artists at the top of their game is way too long to list here, and it goes without saying that the Funktion One sound systems will be blasting Christmas cards off shelves as far afield as the Meadows. Miss and get dissed, as we used to say back in the day..

Detonate, Countdown 2009 takes place at Stealth, Rescue Rooms and Rock City on 31 December, 8.30pm - 6am.

Limited tickets at £26 are now available. detonate1.co.uk

Saturday 26/12

Thursday 31/12

Thursday 31/12

Boxing Day Live Open Mic The Lion Inn Free, 7pm

NYE Black Tie Ball Southbank Bar £15, 7pm

Basement Boogaloo NYE The Maze £1, 8pm - late

Thursday 31/12

Count Down Rock City £20, 8pm New Year’s Eve Party

Saturday 02/01

New Year @ The Robin Hood The Robin Hood £5, 9pm Ronnie Londons Groove Lounge Grosvenor £10, 8pm - 2am Percussion NYE Party The Golden Fleece £3, 9pm - 3.30am

NYE The Bodega £4, 8pm The Pop Confessional vs Liars Club New Years Eve The Johnson Arms 8pm

The Soul Ska Shakedown The Golden Fleece Free, 8pm

Thursday 07/01 UDO The Rescue Rooms £15, 7pm

leftlion.co.uk/issue32

25

event listings...

Thursday 07/01

Sunday 17/01

Kevin Montgomery The Maze £12, 7.30pm Plus Kaci Bolls.

Twenty Twenty Rock City £5.50, 7.30pm

Boo Hewerdine Nottingham Playhouse £10, 8pm Kevin Montgomery The Maze £14adv, 7.30pm

Saturday 09/01 Souled Up The Robin Hood Free, 9pm City of Fire Rock City £10, 7pm

Friday 15/01 Treebeard The Robin Hood Free, 9pm Ghoul Garden The Maze £3, 10pm Rubber Room The Maze £3, 10pm

Saturday 16/01

Tuesday 19/01 Jamie T Rock City £15, 7.30pm with Cold Ones

Thursday 21/01 Anais Mitchell and Erin McKeown The Maze £10, 7.30pm Jumpers for Goalposts The Alley Cafe Free, 8.30pm - 1am Future of the Left The Bodega £9, 7pm Evile Rock City £10, 7pm

Friday 22/01 Pressure Drop The Robin Hood Free, 9pm

Saturday 23/01

Beggars Belief The Robin Hood Free, 9pm

Matthew Wadsworth and Carolyn Sampson Lakeside Arts Centre £9 / £12, 7.30pm

Keep It Cash The Maze £10adv, 8pm

for more: leftlion.co.uk/listings

KiosKiosk

LeftLion – and the cream of the NottsLit scene – wedge themselves into a booth this December KiosKiosk is the brainchild of Wayne and Gerardine Hemingway and was created to help out creative businesses struggling to find affordable retail space in prominent locations. As the creative industries sector is now worth £62 billion and is the UK’s second most valuable industry, it’s good to see that a fashion designer with quirky glasses has more practical solutions for leading us out of the recession than ‘quantitative easing’. Although opposite the Thurland may not quite be the ‘prominent location’ Hemingway envisaged, local entrepreneurs have redeemed themselves by coming up with more inventive uses for the kiosk than selling ripped off footy shirts and dodgy DVDs. Publish NG is one such collaboration which will see a band of local publishers (including us at the mighty Lion) running the kiosk for three days. So if you can’t figure out what to buy your girlfriend for Christmas or simply want to shelter from the wind, pop in and say hello. You are not obliged to buy anything but they request that you post one sentence into their ‘fiction tombola’ which they will then piece together to create a multi-authored story.

Tuesday 8 December AM - Nottingham Writers Studio - Support and networking for published and aspiring local writers. Meet coordinator Aly Stoneman and published members from the Studio.

PM - Weathervane Press - Meet publisher Ian Collinson from 1pm. Recently published local authors Marty Ross (Aztec Love Song) and Steven Wilcoxson (Make Less Strangers) will be there from 2pm to discuss their work and sign copies of their books.

Wednesday 9 December AM - Candlestick Press - Meet the brains behind the innovative Instead of a Card series, Jenny Swann, and stock up on Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy’s selection The Twelve Poems of Christmas.

PM - LeftLion – Pop into our literary confessional and bring the worst books you’ve read, or tell Nottingham’s ‘Mr Sex’ why you thought it was appropriate to sleep with your best mate’s sister last time you got hammered at Yates.

Thursday 10 December: AM - Staple Magazine – Meet Editor Wayne Burrows and learn more about this Literature and Arts magazine produced in Sneinton, now receiving national acclaim.

PM - Pewter Rose Press – Meet short stories publisher Anne McDonnell and various authors throughout the afternoon kioskiosk.co.uk

Thursday 28/01

Friday 29/01

Saturday 30/01

Wednesday 27/01

Farmyard Records The Alley Cafe Free, 6pm - 1am

Iglu and Hartly The Bodega £8, 7pm

Xufei Yang and Natalie Clein Lakeside Arts Centre £9 / £12, 7.30pm - 9pm

Hardcore Superstar Rock City £12, 7pm

Friday 29/01

Twin Atlantic Rock City £6, 7pm

Emilie Autumn Rock City £12.50, 7pm

The Rides The Robin Hood Free, 9pm

new year’s eve 2009! early bird tickets £5 // on the door £10 // Fancy dress £5 on door + Free drink taking you into 2010 - Weekend resident dJs tom Freeman & tony global tussle it out on 4 decks // 2 laptops // visuals including 12 0’clock countdoWn

Dogma, 9 byard lane, The Lace Market, Nottingham. NG1 2GJ For more info: 0115 988 6830 // nottingham@dogmabars.com // dogma nottingham facebook

F F sh lav ree o o ro ts g ure u o d ni nd a ing gh l t! l

nottingham event listings...

Theatre Tuesday 01/12

Exhibitions Tuesday 01/12

Jack and The Beanstalk Royal Centre £4 - £21, Various Runs until: 17/01

Pork Knocker Dreams recent work by Donald Locke New Art Exchange Free, All day Runs until: 20/12

Cinderella Nottingham Arts Theatre £10 / £12, 7.30pm plus mats Runs until: 13/12

No Visible Means of Escape Nottingham Castle Runs until: 10/01

Monday 07/12

Home Come The Girls Royal Centre £25 - £40, 7.45pm

Tuesday 15/12 The Burma Play, A Comedy of Terror Nottingham Arts Theatre Free, 7pm - 9pm

Monday 18/01 The Accrington Pals Lace Market Theatre £6 - £9, Various Runs until: 23/01

Monday 25/01 Moscow City Ballet Royal Centre £11 - £31, various times Runs until: 30/01

Theatre-wise you can see (sometimes all in the same week) classical drama, stand-up comedy, experimental performance, cutting-edge dance and the kind of children’s shows which have more imagination in a single scene than a lot of grown-up theatres manage in a whole season. Musically the venue is known amongst aficionados for putting on the best classical, jazz and world music concerts in a very wide radius.

InSPIREtion21 D.H. Lawrence Heritage Free, 10am - 4pm Runs until: 20/12

Tuesday 08/12

The Little Mermaid Nottingham Playhouse £4.50 - £7, various times Runs until: 02/01

For those who get their cultural kicks solely within an NG1 postcode it may seem a bit of a trek, but anyone braving the fifteen minute bus ride out of town will find it’s well worth the trip - Lakeside’s strength is the huge spread of artistic treats to be found there. The three different galleries show everything from up-and-coming local artists to massively famous international ones, and there’s a whole section dedicated to showing off the contents of the the University’s seriously impressive archives.

Pardhan Gond New Art Exchange Free, all day Runs until: 19/12

Little Red Riding Hood Lace Market Theatre £6 - £9, various times Runs until: 12/12

Wednesday 16/12

In an issue dedicated to what’s happened in Nottingham during the noughties, it would be remiss of us not to mention Lakeside Arts Centre, one of the big cultural successes of the last decade. Lakeside came into being in 2001, when the University of Nottingham took its already existing art gallery and recital hall, spruced them up, built a brand new performance venue over the road and tied all three together under one banner. The centre’s been steadily raising the bar in both quality and output ever since, creating a series of annual events like the International Children’s Theatre and photo: Martine Hamilton Knight Dance Festival, high-end contemporary craft market Lustre and the Chinese New Year firework spectacular over the lake.

Geoff Diego Litherland Nottingham Castle Runs until: 10/01

Oliver Samuels in CommonLaw! Royal Centre £25, 7.30pm

Lakeside

Pond life has never been so cultured

Emigration New Art Exchange Free, All day Runs until: 05/12

Sunday 06/12

for more: leftlion.co.uk/listings

You’d be hard pressed to find an arts centre with a prettier view, either. Set in the middle of Highfields Park (bequeathed to the citizenry by drugstore cowboy Jesse Boot) and, as the name suggests, sat just at the side of a boating lake, it’s the kind of place where you can see a couple of exhibitions, take a stroll round the park, grab a bite to eat, see a show and be back in civilisation in time for last orders. In other words, perfect day-out material.

Sam Dargan - More Work For The Undertaker The Wasp Room Free, Thu - Sun, 1pm - 6pm Runs until: 06/12 Bar Vug Gum Moot Free, Thurs - Sat 12pm - 6pm / Sun 12pm - 4pm Runs until: 13/12 David Hockney Nottingham Contemporary Free, All day / closed Mondays Runs until: 24/01

Saturday 05/12

Saturday 16/01

Tuesday 15/12

Postcard Show 2009 Surface Gallery Free Runs until: 18/12

New Photography: Pavillion Commissions Lakeside Arts Centre Free, 11am-5pm Runs until: 28/02

Russell Howard Trent FM Arena Nottingham £20, 8pm

Friday 11/12

Frances Stark Nottingham Contemporary Free, All day / closed Mondays Runs until: 24/01

Gladstone - The Grand Old Man In Nottinghamshire Lakeside Arts Centre Free, 11am - 4pm Runs until: 21/03

De Profundis Surface Gallery Runs until: 07/12

Saturday 12/12

15 Years of Philip Watts Design Nottingham Trent University Runs until: 09/12

Tuesday 26/01

Quiet Revolution Lakeside Arts Centre Free Entry, 11am - 5pm Runs until: 17/01

Strictly Come Dancing Live Trent FM Arena Nottingham £35 - £55, 7.30pm Runs until: 28/01

Xeno5 - Debut Show Shop Free, 7pm Runs until: 14/12

lakesidearts.org.uk

Lakeside Arts Centre, University Park, NG7 2RD. 0115 846777

Transition Market Launch Sneinton Market Free, 11am - 1pm

Sunday 13/12 TV Puppet Making Workshop Rufford Country Park 10am - 4pm

Saturday 09/01 Hui-Chen (Annie) Lin Lakeside Arts Centre Free, all day Runs until: 21/02

Never Mind The Bolanos The Castle gets all Latino Geoff Diego Litherland, a Mexican-born artist based in Nottingham, has exhibiting his work on both our fair isle and international soil, to much acclaim. His latest offering, Conjuntos, is being displayed at Nottingham Castle until Sunday 10 January.

Meaning of Style New Art Exchange Free, All day Runs until: 04/04

Saturday 23/01 Open Exhibition Nottingham Castle Runs until: 07/03

Comedy Tuesday 01/12 Jimmy Carr Royal Centre £22.50, 8pm

Wednesday 02/12 Comix Seven £3 / £4, 8.30pm - 10.30pm Isy Suttie and Joe Lycett

Sunday 06/12 Just The Tonic Approach £12, 7.15pm Pat Monahan and Darrell Martin plus more tbc.

Monday 07/12 Just The Tonic Approach £tbc, 7.15pm Big Value Auditions.

To date, he has been selected for the John Moores 25 Painting prize at the Walker Gallery in Liverpool and won the 2008 Nottingham Castle Open, an open exhibition held annually to give recognition to local artists. His works are heavily inspired by his Latin American homelands and the labyrinthine fiction his culture produces.

Sunday 13/12 Just The Tonic Approach £8.50, 7.15pm Phil Kay, Zoe Lyons and Darrell Martin.

The rough translation of ‘conjuntos’ is ‘sets’ and the inspiration behind the layout of the exhibition is the structure and forms of Latin American literature. Roberto Bolano’s, in particular - a Chilean novelist whose often fragmented writing ideas refused to follow convention.

Conjuntos is a thoughtful, interesting, and fractured display that brings life to the Castle staircase. It’s also worth keeping an eye out for the cool little bowls filled with paint.

(Mr Pink, oil on canvas, 43cm x 43cm, 2009)

Funhouse Comedy Maze £5, 8pm

Wednesday 16/12 Speak Easy Alley Cafe Free, 8.30pm - 12.30am

Sunday 20/12 Just The Tonic Approach £6.50 / £8.50, 7.15pm Jim Tavare, Somin Bligh and Darrel Martin.

Monday 21/12 Just The Tonic - Jonny Vegas Royal Centre £20, 7.30pm

Wednesday 30/12 Ken Dodd Royal Centre £15.50 - £18.50, 7pm

Thursday 31/12 Just The Tonic NYE Approach £23.50, 7.15pm Ivan Brackenbury, Henning When, Seann Walsh and Darrell Martin.

Wednesday 20/01 Speak Easy Alley Cafe Free, 8.30pm - 12.30am

Friday 29/01 Tim Vine Nottingham Playhouse £16, 8pm

Monday 14/12

Saturday 30/01

Just The Tonic Approach £tbc, 7.15pm Big Value Auditions

Richard Herring ’Hitler Moustache’ Nottingham Playhouse £12.50, 8pm

Conjuntos, Nottingham Castle, Saturday, 31 October 2009 - Sunday, 10 January 2010 GeoffLitherland.info leftlion.co.uk/issue32

27

We love a good bit of snap here at LeftLion. So, as a brand new regular feature, we’ve decided to give you a run down of some of our favourite local eateries.

words: Jared Wilson, Beane and Alison Emm

Chez Coors

The Golden Fleece

Scruffy’s

Sometimes you might really fancy going out for a steak, or a curry or maybe even a posh pizza. But it’s rare (for me at least) to think to myself ‘Ooh, I really fancy some jerk chicken and salt fish with rice and peas.’

Frankly this is a pity, because it’s by visiting places like Chez Coors on Mansfield road that you can really open up your taste-buds to a whole new world of flavours.

The Fleece has a well established reputation for providing great nosh, as shown by them scooping the Best Bar Food category at the Nottingham Bar Awards for the last three years running.

But what is it that makes their menu stand head and shoulders above other pubs in town? Well, the fact that they have two full-time experienced chefs using a wide range of freshly and locally sourced ingredients is an obvious place to start - you certainly won’t find anything in the way of microwave dishes here.

It was a sad day in Notts when longstanding restaurant, Scruffy’s shut down earlier this year.

Thankfully, new owners have swept in and brought it back to life.

The Derby Road venue is now open and there are imminent plans for the The Lace Market restaurant to re-open too.

Jamaican culinary treats

For starters we tried the soup of the day (£2), which was a mutton and red peas combo served with festival dumplings (£1) and fried plantain (£1). It was creamy and warming – but though a second helping was offered, we decided to give it a miss for fear of filling our stomachs prematurely.

For mains we tried a range of dishes tapas-style, including; the tangy escovietch fish seved with pickled vegetables, ackee and salt fish sautéed in onion and peppers, curry mutton marinated in a range of spices, brown stewed chicken pan-seared with vegetables in a light brown sauce and jerk hhicken bathed in Chez’s own seasoning. All of these were absolutely delicious (we were particularly partial to the salt fish) and available at £4.50 each. Four or five plates between two of you guarantees a good feed and by adding a little bit of the Jamaican hot sauce (provided on every table) you can turn up the heat according to taste – though unless you’re Superman go easy as the scotch bonnet peppers can be fiery as a comet.

If you’d rather try a bit of absolutely everything then get involved in their buffet menu which is £16 in the evenings and £8.99 at lunch (£9.99 on Sundays) – there’s even a special Christmas one for December. They don’t sell alcohol, but you can bring your own from the plethora of corner shops nearby - a can or two of Red Stripe is the obvious choice! Or, if you’re driving then you can choose from a range of Jamaican soft drinks and homemade punches.

The whole place is a visual feast too and from the yellow décor, to the friendly staff and the colourful layouts of the dishes, you get a real sense of dining in a bright, happy family run environment.

If you get sick of turkey and stuffing this Christmas then this is a great place to check out. It’s light on your pocket, filling on your stomach and quite a lot of fun. Yeahman!

Pub food done brilliantly

For our main course we had the breast of chicken stuffed with chorizo and goats cheese (£7.95) and the 1/2lb lamb burger (£6.95). The chicken was delicious, arriving on our plate on a bed of spinach mash with red wine gravy, which complimented the existing flavours, without overpowering them. The lamb burger came with a bowl of homemade wedges and salad and tasted way better than the usual chain pub fodder.

Their dessert menu might look fairly sparse, with only two options, but the dishes themselves are rich in flavour. We tried a bit of both Steve’s scrumptious sticky toffee pudding (£3.50) and Mike’s marvellous cheesecake (£3.50) - a specialist dessert from each chef. Both were extremely moreish, but the cheesecake just edged it, being perfectly light with just the right amount of Baileys to showcase the flavour, without it taking over.

But as far as their whole menu goes, this is just the tip of the iceberg. They do three all-day breakfast dishes, seven lightlunch bites, a range of sandwiches and posh burgers and six mains – as well as daily specials. Their Sunday Roasts are the stuff of legend and usually sell out way before the end of service, so if you want in, get there early.

There’s also a brand new Christmas menu, with two courses for £14.50 and three for £16.50.

Basically, this is restaurant-quality food served in a friendly pub setting. It might not be the best place to choose for the missus for that romantic anniversary meal as most of the time you will be aware of other customers around you. But if you and some mates want top quality food and a pint this Christmas, then you won’t get fleeced by eating here.

Back and dressed down as ever

We began by filling our faces with starters of lemon and ginger chicken skewers in tomato sauce (£4) and the cured meat platter of pastrami, salami and serrano ham (£4). The chicken was tender but the marinade’s flavour wasn’t as obvious as you might expect. Don’t be fooled by our selection though, the range of starters available is, refreshingly, vegetarian orientated with five of the seven dishes being meat-free.

Onto the mains: a risotto of wild mushrooms and spring onion with parmesan shavings (£8.50) and sirloin steak with sauté potatoes, green beans and creamy pepper sauce (£11.50). The risotto was perfectly moist and they didn’t scrimp on the best bit, the mushrooms. The medium-rare sirloin steak was done perfectly - not too rare and not too medium - a true art we are asured.

Unfortunately, for those that remember the old Scruffy’s, the dessert menu was lacking the daddy of all puddings – the Dime bar cheesecake. Never mind; on with the new, which for us was gooey chocolate tart and baked vanilla cheesecake…

Mmmm. We got our spoon well and truly stuck into both deserts and just couldn’t help ourselves. The chocolate tart was rich and thick, without being overly sweet and capable of melting away any bad mood. The baked cheesecake was light and creamy and tinged with just the right amount of vanilla.

The menu is seasonally picked and, although perhaps not as extensive as before, it has a wide enough choice for most palettes and it is still early days. They have the essential Sunday menu that includes a roast and a full English served until 3pm - perfect for those prone to sleeping in after a heady Saturday night. With reasonable prices and ultra-friendly staff, Scruffy’s is not only catering to the younger Nottingham clientele but anyone who enjoys a relaxed evening out.

Price range: £15-20 per head, depending on your appetite.

Serving times: Lunch: Tue-Fri 12-3pm, Early bird menu: Tue-Fri 3.30-6.30pm, Sunday buffet: 12-6pm, Evenings: Tues-Sat 6.3010pm.

Price range: Two courses and drinks for around £15 per person. Serving times: Mon-Sat 12-8pm and 12-5pm on Sunday.

Price range: Two courses and drinks for around £16 per person. Serving times: Mon - Fri 5pm - late and 12pm - late on Sat and Sun.

105 Mansfield Road, NG1 3FN, 0115 947 2843

198 Derby Road, NG7 1NQ, 0115 947 0471

127 Mansfield Road, NG1 3FN, 0115 979 9090

Read the full menu online at leftlion.co.uk/the-golden-fleece

Read the full menu online at chezcoors.com.

Beane Noodler of MyHouse-YourHouse begins his quest to eat at every takeaway in Nottingham…

Lace Market Fish Shop

Antalya Takeaway

While Notts has enough kebab houses to fill Noah’s Ark twice over, there’s a distinct lack of chippies. That’s why we need to cherish The Lacey. For one, it actually looks like a chippy, rather than some dirty doner house; white-tiled walls, the smell of vinegar, wooden forks all over the floor and a massive counter filled with fried battered gear. The menu doesn’t muck about either – there’s even those dirty long pink pork things called saveloys, so you know it’s proper.

The middle of town may not be a pretty sight come sunset, but there are certain places of refuge. Don’t get confused with the restaurant next door under the same name – we’re strictly concentrating on the dirty stuff here. Few restaurants have the kahunas to open up a kebab house under the same name, and we have a chicken-and-egg situation here as I’m not sure what came first.

The most impressive thing, though, is the size of the fish. Where they get them from must be a closely guarded secret, as I’ve yet to see aquatic battered creatures this huge - many have defeated even me, and have had to be set free into the nearest bin, partially eaten. Nottingham needs its late night Omega 3, and this may well be the nearest some of us will ever get to a coastline.

3 Stoney Street, NG1 2EQ

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Genuine authenticity coupled with utter filth in spades, Antalya is renowned for its infamous ‘Turkish Pizza’ - a pitta smeared in unknown meat spread, coupled with salad and rolled up like a cigar.

With thousands of calories in difference to its older brother, the doner, it’s practically Blumenthalian in its creativity and something the size-zero skinny jeans crew can handle. Are there better kebab shops about? Yes. Can you be bothered to walk to them? No. Load up, take a stool at the window, and witness the delights of Upper Parliament Street at kicking-out time.

54 Upper Parliament Street, NG1 2AG

14 track CD album in stores now “The system that meets the wants of the few by denying the needs of the majority is in its twilight years� www.dealmakerrecords.com

Capricorn (December 23 - January 19) Merry Christmash to all of our readers! But before you begin to celebrate too hard, remember that Santa is in fact an anagram of Satan. So while you’re fooling the kids with glasses of brandy and carrots for the reindeer, Beelzebub himself may be coming down your chimney to burn your soul.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19) A tip for all you Aquarian drum and bass emcees out there: you can avoid having to constantly ask ‘know what I’m sayin?’ and ‘do you hear me now?’ in your lyrics, by turning down the noisy music behind you and speaking to your listeners more clearly in the first place.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20) Is your dog’s urine burning the lawn? Yellow spots on grass are normally caused by canines passing fluids. Nitrogen waste products are the result of protein breakdown through normal bodily processes, therefore the nitrogen in the urine causes the lawn spots. There’s a simple solution to this though: kill the dog.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) You are connected to other people in far more ways than you can comprehend in everyday reality.

Your friends are your conscience and they are part of you, but even people you haven’t met yet showcase aspects of your life on their shoulders. We are all one.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this month in the field of psilocybin and psilocin, which could change the consciousness of our nation forever. Unfortunately, researchers will be laughing and partying way too hard to officially announce them.

Gemini (May 22 - June 22) A traveller about to set out on a journey asks his dog sharply: “Why do you stand there gaping?

Everything is ready except for you, so come with me instantly.” The Dog, wagging his tail, replied: “Oh, master! I am quite ready; it is you for whom I am waiting.” Dogs are dicks.

LEFTLION ABROAD Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York City, USA.

Coney Island is a peninsula in southernmost Brooklyn, New York, which has penetrated popular culture more heavily than most places of it’s size. It was the setting for Hubert Selby Junior’s novel Requiem for a Dream and Sol Yurick’s The Warriors, both of which were later turned into cult movies. More recently scenes from Seinfeld, The Sopranos, Cloverfield and He Got Game were shot there. Probably most impressive of all, however, is that the likes of Lou Reed, Aerosmith, Tom Waits, Mercury Rev, Velvet Underground, Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Death Cab For Cutie and Curtis Eller have all named songs or albums after the place. Countless other musicians, artists, writers and creative types have been inspired there too!

Photo sent in by Rob and Kirsty Bradshaw. If you can get a photo of a LeftLion sticker or magazine somewhere exotic email us on info@leftlion.co.uk.

Cancer (June 23 - July 23) You’re prepared to go to any length to get your innocence back. This is honourable and understandable, but you will be surprised to find this month that what remains of it will actually require you to go to any depth with a big spade. Keep digging until you hit rock.

Leo (July 24 - August 23) According to Confucious, to be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness. Don’t bother practicing the trumpet any more though.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23) You’ve managed to overcome a lot in order to get to where you are in your career, not least all of your hopes, aspirations and dreams. Just beware, however, that doing well at work is only going to get you so far in this life. Deep down chicks don’t really dig accounts managers. You can always use prostitutes, though.

Libra (September 24 - October 23) Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle is sweet and understandable.

You’ve always been one to follow tradition, but beware that it may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going to the supermarket.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) With a bit of cunning and guile you can save a fortune on expensive washing machines and laundry bills. Just give all your dirty shirts to your local Oxfam shop. They will wash and iron them and then you can buy them all back for fifty pence each.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22) Keep all prescription and over-the-counter drugs out of reach of your cats. Painkillers, cold medicines, anti-cancer drugs, antidepressants and anti-aircraft pills are common examples of human medication that could be potentially lethal to them even in small doses. Beware the droogmoggies – it’s a bad look this Christmas.

The Forties

The Noughties

The next LeftLion Magazine will be out in Nottingham venues at the end of January 2010 ready for the start of Spring...

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zis At war with: The Na Air raids Blackouts caused by: Powder of choice: Egg (one ration stamp) The likes of us Things people died for:

At war with: Not too sure, really Blackouts caused by: Sambuca, Ketamine, etc Powder of choice: Vim & Talc (£40 a gram) Things people died for: A £600 handbag

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