Journey

JoURNEY A chronicle of grief and loss in art and poetry Art and poetry

by Susan Arthur Fuller

JoURNEY

Copyright 2017 by Susan Arthur Fuller All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without my express written permission except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in United States of America First printing 2017

DEDICATED IN LOVING MEMORY Donald Francis Fuller October 13, 1923 – July 18, 2008

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand’ring bark, Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle’s compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov’d, I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.

Sonnet 116 William Shakespeare

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS In the years after Don died I had so many lessons to learn.

So much sadness and so many practical things to master and accomplish. I owe an enormous debt to my family. Their love kept me going.

I want to thank my many friends who supported and nourished me. In good times and bad they listened to my stories, gave me sound advice, sat with me while I cried and made me laugh. They are my family too.

I want to give special thanks to my art teacher Robert K. Semans. He has encouraged and challenged me and I have progressed thanks to his tutelage. He is gracious to share his talent with all his students. —Susan Fuller

ABOUT DON D

on Fuller was born in San Francisco, California. His father was an Army officer and the family lived in many places all over the world. He served in Army intelligence units during World War II. He then attended the University of California, Berkeley where his love of history was nourished. He received a BA in History and then went on to get a Masters in Library Science.

Don worked in public libraries for many years. Under his direction the Santa Clara Public Library offered outstanding collections and programs setting a standard for service among the best in the state. He was a professional mentor to many.

Don had an extraordinary memory. To the delight of his friends and family he could recite unending amounts of often hilarious poetry and song. He could remember with ease the succession of the royalty of Europe from the earliest times to the present. He was always the one with the answer no matter the subject. He loved books and music. He read richly and well. In the last months of his life he systematically reread all his many favorites and listened to wonderful music.

He loved to laugh and his laugh was totally infectious. His laugh is often the thing people talk about when they are remembering him.

Don had two extraordinary children, a cherished son and daughter in law and four talented and amazing grandchildren. His love and counsel supported, amused and comforted each of them. Their lives are rich in memories of him. Since Don died, three grandchildren have married and there are wonderful new partners and two great granddaughters. He would have treasured them.

Don was married to his wife Susan for more than 40 years. It was a partnership that brought love, joy and adventure to both.

JoURNEY A chronicle of grief and loss in art and poetry Art and poetry

by Susan Arthur Fuller

DECEPTION Two years ago You knew.

But I could still pretend.

There was time To remember, To promise, To curl up beside you.

Wishes are illusion And magic Ends In silence.

July 7, 2010

One room Our far-flung life in one room.

Machines whir and chirp.

Chatter and query ebb and flow.

Your eyes ask for a map.

One Room.

ONE ROOM July 7, 2017

ENDINGS Now the room is silent.

Cords unplugged, Discarded yogurt boxes Flung in a corner.

Only the detritus of you, A wisp of memories and promises.

Somehow I like to believe You hear me When I let you go.

June 28, 2017

PRESENCE You are in the garden this afternoon.

Sun floods winter corners Banishing gray dampness.

I remember you never liked the night.

Sweetpeas half way up the trellis Recall bunches by your bed last spring.

This year They will only be smelled In dreams.

January 30, 2009

THE GYM

Steve’s blue balance line still marks the floor.

I see it as I stretch Elliptically challenged legs.

You walk with determination.

I know you are practicing, Just Beyond my sight.

February 6, 2009

IMPERMANENCE Workout sweaty the news Jolts me.

One friend gone to a distant Job. Another, cancer stricken, Invisible behind unanswered calls.

My rock pile of touchstones Shifts.

I am the only constant In an unstable Landscape.

February 12, 2009

REALITY Crying over oatmeal.

Unexpected realizations Interrupt routine.

Dishes are washed.

People entertained.

The house as I like it.

Smiles all around.

As if it Mattered.

February 19, 2009

MIRRORS There is a mirror behind the table.

Eating asparagus, I review the reflection.

Nothing quite remembered.

The expected has fled Into soft shadows of time And grief.

February 7, 2009

Flying East over A crumpled blanket of hills, Undulating shadows mark our path.

Despite spring’s advent Snow lies lightly on Green promise.

No doubt there are flowers Just out of sight.

JOURNEY March 23, 2009

ENROUTE TO GRIEF Pleated mountains Mark a dark path.

Red veins of earth Spidering Under Snow.

Mist casts uncertainty on the journey Obscuring the way ahead Where the destination Lies In darkness.

December 19, 2009

CHANGLING Even though First Class eludes us We have our favorite spot.

Aisle and window, Close to the front.

Turning to talk I see You have been Stolen.

Your smile Replaced with lankiness and a faint smell of garlic.

He is a reader.

Maybe it is you Transformed By witches, fate or life.

March 23, 2009

Walking the loop I see our footprints.

Shadows Carving time from Family visits.

Stopping on the steep hill in summer Puzzling over red berries in winter.

Watching verdant New England landscape Through dry accustomed California eyes.

WALKING REFLECTIONS Memories weight my feet On my singular journey.

March 27, 2009

PROGRESSION Light creeps toward the precipice of day.

Gathered up I tumble into Morning.

Obligations mark the way.

Routine, responsibility, kindness And even Delight Mask uncertainty Which comes softly In the free fall of Dawn And the silence Of night.

April 24, 2009

Lined up and relentlessly present, Those dishes on the Sink.

DISHES

We had a contract.

I cooked.

You dispatched Dishes.

Now they look at me Balefully.

Detritus of a solitary Dinner.

Resolutely, I pick up the SOS And scrub.

March 10, 2009

REMOVAL The house has empty corners Where I have removed you.

Bags to the Salvation Army Left spaces Trying to be something New. Despite my best efforts You linger And the house Waits For your return.

May 28, 2009

THE GARDEN The gardeners came today.

True plantsmen, they boldly revised the landscape.

Nothing is discarded, they said, only rearranged.

My life is different.

Upended touchstones lie askew.

I stumble among them, Anchored only by the solidity of your uncreased pillow And a beautiful garden.

January 26, 2009

POSSUM HUBRIS Light pools and picks out Silver cage wires.

Beyond, the garden lies In shadow.

Inside the cage A possum Dances.

Emboldened by prior path finding He seeks the same magic.

Consequences of desire Masked By the black lure Of peanut butter.

June 3, 2009

Memories lie in drifts Stirred into dusty Eddies As I pass.

Recollections shimmer And shift, Blurring the trajectory Of the path ahead.

MEMORY DUST June 12, 2009

REALITIES A perfect Swan Lake.

At your favorite parts I restrain my hands Lest I startle My neighbor Trying to take yours.

I am in your Landscape.

There you are Crossing the plaza, Walking under the plane trees, Shrugging against the wind.

I am transparent Against your Reality.

February 27, 2009

JENNY LAKE

A lake necklace Lies On the rock throat Of sheer peaks.

Bull elks throw Sound nets around Meandering harems, Urgent whistles floating Over dark meadows Blanketed by stars.

Immutable mountains changed Imperceptibly By the absence Of you.

September 26, 2009

BEACH WALK Morning light Glistens on gray sea.

Sanderling ribbons Trace receding sea foam.

Pelican flotillas Break Into mist.

Sand tracks Conjure night visitors Who recede into memory Blurred by drifting water And time.

August 23, 2010

In mist and undulating grass The house floats, Flung open, Inviting memories.

On the dust laden Road Rabbits stand Alert.

A tiny vole Scuttles To safety.

Heat nibbles at the morning And I walk on.

WALKING ON THE SQUAM ROAD

July 7, 2010

HIGH ROAD AT DUSK Stopping on the high road, There is no Human sound.

Fading light wrings Green From rock encrusted hills Which rise just beyond the stretch Of gorse and river.

A swallow traces lines Of shadows.

And we drive on.

June 30, 2009

ONE YEAR LATER —EXACTLY Remains of champagne toasts Lanquish In dirty glasses.

Garlic lingers Not quite vanquished with tinfoil.

Wisps of funny stories Warm the room.

Until, By chance The clock rests at Ten to six And memory of you Slams Into me.

All else forgotten.

July 23, 2009

Sometimes, Cleaning up after breakfast I miss you the most.

You are almost here, Sweeping floors, Organizing cupboards, Putting things to order.

Every task makes you Nearly visible And lays down A legacy of Regret.

MORNINGS August 4 2009

The Honda has A new timing belt.

Without it the car would Be history.

TRAVEL Plum blossoms, Dust, Almost morning shadows

New tires are next.

Slowly Everything you touched Is changing.

The house settles, Waiting To be empty.

The world looks the same But the lens has turned And you

Last dishes washed By hand.

Are absent.

ABSENCE

Locks checked.

Passport, credit cards And Anxieties Secreted.

Ahead Anticipation, uncertainty And adventure.

October 2009

February 13, 2011

PRELUDE In some mind corner You Are sitting beside me.

Delighting in champagne, Accepting luxuries, Adjusting pillows, Spreading quilts, Settling into privilege.

I am stepping beyond you Now. Moving cautiously into Dark Places.

Determined to find Satisfaction If not joy.

April 12, 2009

CORNWALL COAST Light spins on undulating Water.

Power leashed, A kestrel drifts On thermals.

Wind wraps rock In green mist.

And joy rises.

June 14, 2009