Leader's Digest #20 (15 November 2018)

LEADERS ISSUE 20

15 November 2018

DIGEST

LEADING WITH TOUGH CONVERSATIONS

This fortnightly publication is dedicated to advancing civil service leadership and putting it into practice contemporary leadership principles.

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PUBLICATION TEAM EDITORIAL

Editor-in-Chief Segaren Assistant Editor Yvonne Lee Diana Marie Capel Graphic Designer Awang Ismail bin Awang Hambali Abdul Rani Haji Adenan

CONTENTS

ISSUE 20 I 15 NOVEMBER 2018

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COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS – WHY AREN’T WE SAYING WHAT WE NEED OR WANT?

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PEOPLE MANAGEMENT: HOW TO HANDLE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS AT WORK

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5 STEPS TO HANDLE HARD CONVERSATIONS WITH JUST ABOUT ANYONE

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SIX PRINCIPLES FOR THE DISCONNECTED LEADER!

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THE LEADER’S DIGEST IS A FORTNIGHTLY PUBLICATION BY LEADERSHIP INSTITUTE OF SARAWAK CIVIL SERVICE FEATURING ALL THE LATEST SURROUNDING THE TOPIC OF LEADERSHIP. THE PUBLICATION ALSO FEATURES SPECIALLY SELECTED WRITE-UPS RELATED TO EACH THEME OF THE ISSUE, THROUGH ITS CONTENT PARTNERS.

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CHOOSE TO FOCUS YOUR TIME, ENERGY AND CONVERSATION AROUND PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE YOU, SUPPORT YOU AND HELP YOU TO GROW YOU INTO YOUR HAPPIEST, STRONGEST, WISEST SELF. - Karen Salmansohn

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Courageous Conversations -

Why Aren’t We Saying What We Need Or Want?

BY SONIA MCDONALD

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ommunication is the key to resolving conflicts, concerns, or even just to clarify things. It’s the foundation that fosters great relationships, whether it is an intimate relationship with the love of your life, or a stranger on the train.

If you are not adept at communication, you’ve got a big challenge.

CONVERSE WITH COURAGE

Having courageous conversations is essential, for the outcome of the project as well as for the individuals in the team. There are two overarching conversations here: • the one where you ask for what you need.

• the one where you say what needs to be said.

Conversation is what connects us. And in the workplace, it is what binds a team, and moves it towards the best outcome for all involved, in the most productive way possible.

In any project with a team, there are people who are experts or specialists in certain areas. This is why you have a team; to ensure that all elements of the project are tended to by someone who knows what they’re doing.

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

It’s okay that you don’t know everything, or you’re unfamiliar with the way something works. If you need a simpler explanation, or someone to show you how it works, then the conversation is not only worthwhile, it’s vital.

So why is it we’re not saying what it is we need or want?

There could be a number of reasons why we don’t always speak up, or ask for help or support. Since young, we have been determined to be independent, and many of us don’t like to rely on others for things we ‘should’ be able to do ourselves.

An element of this is that we don’t want to appear ignorant, or stupid. We have our reputations to maintain, and believe that if we admit we don’t know or can’t do something, then we’ll be perceived differently. We feel we’re acknowledging we have flaws and faults and exposing them leads us to feeling vulnerable.

The reverse is also true; that we often don’t speak up and address concerns we have in others because we don’t want to upset them or hurt their feelings. We worry they’ll feel silly, or that we think less of them.

The result is we skirt around some conversations and leave a lot unsaid. More often than not, it is what’s not communicated that causes the greatest confusion and biggest hurdles. These are the things that explode in your face when you least expect it – and that’s not fun.

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The most courageous act is still to think for yourself.

Aloud.

‘I’M ONLY HUMAN’

It also shows your team that you’re human, and is another way of acknowledging team members. Remember, vulnerability is a leadership strength!

Where an individual is struggling, complaining, or appearing negative or resentful, this is where the conversations really need to happen. These ones are often more difficult, and open up the doors for some significant conflict.

Going into these conversations requires the ability to set aside any emotion, and judgment. There are always two sides to a story, and everyone will have their own perspective based on an infinite number of factors. Often, it is a case of miscommunication, or misinterpretation, being unclear about roles and responsibilities, or feeling unappreciated.

It can be cleared up with an unbiased, emotion-free discussion that focuses on facts, and sets about creating clarity.

This is important when dealing with a person who’s struggling, or continually fails to understand work or meet deadlines. This conversation must happen, because in many cases, they simply don’t want to ask for help. They don’t want to appear ignorant or stupid, and if no one says anything to them, they think they’re getting away with it.

BRINGING IT TOGETHER

The hardest conversation is when you have to let them go for nonperformance, and they aren’t even aware they’ve been failing.

Be courageous, speak up, and minimise the inevitable hurdles that managing a project and leading a team will throw in your path. You can do it.

Sonia McDonald Sonia is CEO of LeadershipHQ and has vast experience in organisational development, learning and development, facilitating, and leadership development. She is passionate about building long term partnerships with her clients and making sure she achieves the best results for their business and people.

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STEPS TO HANDLE HARD CONVERSATIONS WITH JUST ABOUT ANYONE

BY ANDREW GRIFFITHS

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Most of us are terrible at handling tough conversations, so having a process to follow really helps.

If you are constantly feeling stressed out and angry because other people are letting you down, it’s time to do something about it.

Most of us are terrible at handling tough conversations.

I think it’s time to suck it up and get tough.

How good are you at having those hard conversations?

Will you let a situation continue, regardless of how much it is costing you financially and emotionally because you are afraid of confrontation?

Rest assured, you are not alone.

What I tended to do was wait until I was completely frustrated and then I would have a hissy fit and upset everyone, with nothing ever changing.

I hated having hard conversations, so denial became my go-to strategy and I would drive everyone crazy by whining about the person or the situation.

5 STEPS TO HANDLE A TOUGH CONVERSATION I got sick and tired of this habit and I realised I needed a better way to deal with things.

So, I developed a simple, five-step approach to handling any difficult conversation.

1. I commit to addressing an issue before I get angry and frustrated about it.

2. I always stop and think about it from the other person’s perspective – why are they acting in a certain way and how have I contributed to this?

3. I get very clear about what I want them to do.

4. I let the person know I would like to have a discussion about something – so I don’t broadside them and put them on the defensive.

5. I have the discussion, making sure I let the other person explain their position and I never, ever lose my cool.

This is a simple approach that really works.

I’ve used this with suppliers who are not delivering on their promise, customers who are overstepping their mark or being rude and overly demanding, with staff who are not performing, with landlords who have stopped honouring a lease arrangement, and many other difficult situations.

And I’ve become much better at talking about money, often the most difficult of conversations.

THE RESULTS What has the end result been? There have been many positive ones. Firstly, I feel much more confident in handling any situation.

If I have lost a relationship as a result of having a hard conversation, I quickly realised that it was a relationship that had run its course and needed to come to an end.

Also, I have a lot less stress in my life because I nip issues in the bud before I get seriously stressed and frustrated.

If you struggle with having difficult conversations, you really do need to toughen up.

This doesn’t mean you become a monster; it means you are able to have difficult conversations that most people tend to avoid.

Master this skill and a lot will change in your business and in your life.

Andrew Griffiths is a Cairns, Australia-based serial entrepreneur and the author of 12 books on starting, managing, and growing small companies. He is a founding mentor in the global entrepreneurial programme, Key Person of Influence, and presents around the world on small businesses, consumer trends, entrepreneurship, and publishing.

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PEOPLE MANAGEMENT:

How To Handle Tough Conversations At Work

BY ALISON HILL

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o you work with people? Okay, that sounds like a crazy question because I’m sure the answer is, yes. Your role is undoubtedly reliant on your ability to connect with and influence others.

‘traits’ that could mean different things to different people.

For instance, ‘courtesy’ could mean greeting with a smile and a nod to one party, but it could incite visions of firm handshakes to another.

It’s therefore inevitable that there may be times you will have to have tough conversations at work. The workplace dynamics dictates that, on occasion, there will be differences in opinions, behaviours that come out of left field, and heightened emotions – all of which require conversations that aren’t easy but necessary, to take place.

Behavioural change – which is so often the aim of tough conversations – relies on a shared understanding of what specifically needs to be changed. Both parties need clarity on what new behaviours are required moving ahead.

For leaders and organisations looking to build strong workplace cultures, it is necessary to invest in improving the skill of achieving results from these inevitably tough conversations.

Workplaces of the future will be seeking, now more than ever, individuals who have the skills to carry out these tough conversations. So, how do you handle tough conversations?

IDENTIFY WHAT ‘TOUGH’ MEANS TO YOU Firstly, it’s important to know which conversations are considered tough for you. The style of conversation that is deemed as ‘tough’ is different for everyone.

For some, the tough conversation is having to address poor performance at work. For others, they find that addressing poor performance is okay, but they’re challenged by how to deal with someone who’s crying in the office. Being clear on what conversations are tough for you will help to hone your skills.

GO PREPARED Having a successful tough conversation starts before you even enter the room. Walking into a situation filled with heightened emotions, unprepared, is dangerous.

Alternatively, turning up to a conversation feeling centred, aware of why the conversation is important, and with enough time to talk through issues gives a stronger platform for the conversation to go well.

USE A VISUAL MEDIUM Where you direct the conversation has an impact on how personally the other party takes the information.

The old adage, “tell ‘em to their face,” will result in defensiveness very quickly, especially if it’s a heated issue. Instead direct the conversation to a visual medium.

It could be a whiteboard or a report – using a visual medium allows you to depersonalise the conversation. Even having a walkand-talk meeting allows you to direct the conversation to the path in front of you.

FINALLY, BE COURAGEOUS In the HR world ‘tough conversations’ might be business-as-usual, but the fact remains that having these difficult conversations takes courage.

Tackling the tough stuff is an act of bravery based on deliberate decisions that require careful planning.

Remember to give yourself a break, and not to beat yourself up even if the conversation did not go as well as you’d hoped.

Instead, take a moment to reflect and think about how you can better prepare for next time.

Because, even if it wasn’t your first conversation…it’s very unlikely to be your last.

As you step into the conversation, recognise that you may not feel completely comfortable or confident. Know that it’s okay.

These conversations are tough because you care about the person and about the outcome, but you can centre emotions to be able to talk through the issues.

USE BEHAVIOUR-BASED LANGUAGE As you begin the conversation, repeat this maxim to yourself: there are no difficult people, there are only difficult behaviours that can be changed.

During the conversation, focus on specific behaviours rather than generalisations. The conversational waters are often muddied by

Alison Hill is a psychologist, and co-founder and CEO of AFR Fast 100 company, Pragmatic Thinking—a behaviour and motivation strategy company that works with organisations to build cultures they can rave about. She is the best-selling co-author of “Dealing with the Tough Stuff” and “Stand Out: A real world guide to get clear, find purpose and become the boss of busy.” She’s also the host/producer of the podcast series, Stand Out Life.

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Principles for The Disconnected

Leader!

BY PETER J. WEBB

ARE YOU A DISCONNECTED LEADER?

In 2016, McKinsey & Company conducted a study of more than 52,000 managers, where 86% rated themselves as inspiring and good role models. In the same year, a Gallup engagement survey found that 82% of their employees see their leaders as fundamentally uninspiring.

What’s wrong with this picture?

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There is a stark disconnect between how leaders see themselves and how others see them. You could put this down to attribution bias – we attribute only good explanations for our own behaviour.

But the disconnect is bigger than that. When it affects tens of thousands of managers across thousands of companies, it becomes systemic. And it results in the following dysfunctions: • Managers don’t listen to feedback and so they don’t change their behaviour.

• Employees feel trapped with managers who are not leading or guiding them.

• Managers don’t accept contrary views or ideas which disrupt their view of themselves.

• Employees don’t speak up for fear of being shut down.

• Creativity and innovation suffer.

• Organisational culture becomes rule-bound at best, and toxic at worst.

• To close the gap between self-perception and others’ perceptions, leaders will need to embrace these six principles: 1. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS While much has been written about the benefits of mindfulness training, at the very least it can help better focus energy and develop resilience. Paradoxically, mindfulness training can lead to a deeper and more accurate level of self-awareness, and a detachment from external determinants of self-identity. Leaders who practice mindfulness report feeling more in tune with their inner world and more aware of others. They also feel released from the need to please others as a measure of their performance.

Instead they make better judgements based on their own values and purpose.

2. PRACTICE KINDNESS AND COMPASSION Kindness is one of the simplest acts of support we can show others, but corporate life breeds it out of us. We are told self-criticism is what keeps us accountable and improves our performance. We become our own harshest critics and then take out our frustrations on others. But studies over the past decade show the multiple benefits from being kind to oneself include resilience after failure, lower levels of depression and anxiety, and a better overall quality of life.

Compassion is allowing yourself to be moved by someone else’s suffering and experiencing the motivation to do something to alleviate it. Compassion is also about understanding people at an emotional level, and genuinely caring abut their well-being. In fact, it’s hard to think of a way in which compassion is not relevant to leadership, success and well-being. Leaders with high empathy and compassion, who can connect with others succeed, and their bottom line is better.

3. PRACTICE TOLERANCE FOR DIVERGENT VALUES Acceptance of diversity of views means you may have strong feelings about something, but also understand why someone else might have different feelings about it. It doesn’t mean that you give up on your values, but you can also understand why someone else may feel or think differently. Leaders who readily acknowledge diversity of views, ideas, beliefs, and values are more prepared to change their mind if new information presents itself.

And they are better placed to foster creativity and innovation in their organisations.

4. PRACTICE EMOTION REGULATION Control over your emotions is not an absence of emotions, but having control over the magnitude and the variation of them.

All too often we see leaders who “go ballistic”, thump the table, scream, shout, or cry. These are not the hallmarks of a fully self-aware, people-centred leader. Emotion regulation is about reducing the severity of both depression and excitement. At the same time, it’s somewhat on the positive side and associated with well-being and happiness.

5. PRACTICE INTELLECTUAL HUMILITY You cannot be right all the time. There are limits to your own knowledge, and the current era of open source and digital disruption presents a high degree of ambiguity and uncertainty.

Self-awareness comes through being humble about oneself and acknowledging that no outcome can be certain. Leaders must assess the information available but not spend a lot of time thinking abut the pros and cons of everything. At some point a decision has to be made.

6. FOSTER PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY Speaking up at work can be difficult. People worry that their boss or colleagues will criticize them. As a result, people hold back on everything from good ideas to great questions. But by fostering psychological safety, leaders can encourage a free flow of ideas and robust debate. The key tenants of psychological safety are: • Civility – Attending to what others contribute and responding with consideration.

• Fight fair – Debating contrasting ideas or other’s viewpoints yet respectfully disagreeing.

• Be Supportive – Using supportive language and not resorting to sarcasm or put-downs.

Practicing these six principles will help the disconnected leader to close the self-other perception gap and lead a more innovative organisation into the Fourth Industrial Revolution!

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