L'CHEIRUT 2023

L’CHEIRUT Volume 1 Issue 1

STORIES OF MY JOURNEY

THROUGH PRISON TO FIND

H-SHEM

Keep Smiling Six years in prison was mamash hell. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It made me the observant Jewish man that I am today. It gave me a lot of strength and a will to fight hard. But it was very challenging. And one of the hardest things about being a young man in his 20s in prison is that there’s no opportunity for a shidduch. Everyone my age is getting married, having kids, and starting their lives, and I’m stuck in prison. And yes, we believe that everything H-shem does is for the best, but it’s hard to be alone and isolated from the world. H-shem created the world that a man should find a wife and be fruitful and multiply, raising his family as servants of H-shem in the halachically correct manner.

This took a heavy toll on me; it was just one of the many things about prison that weighed heavily on me. So, what did I do? I did everything I could to take the weight off my shoulders. I studied, I prayed, I did mitzvot, I worked out, I wrote, and I stayed positive. I did many things to fill my time with purpose and shed light on the darkness.

But there was one thing that helped me. One of my fellow Jews in prison gave me what appeared to be a business card. It wasn’t an actual business card, but it had a beautiful message printed on it. It said in big letters, “Keep Smiling!” This little card, so simple, so light, and so small, gave me unimaginable strength. For the last five years of my prison sentence, I had it pinned to my board so I could always see it. And when I was having a bad day, I often looked at the card and smiled! It was a reminder that no matter how tough your life is, smile!

Baruch H-shem, I was released from prison on February 17, 2022. After so many years of solitude, I told myself that I finally had the opportunity to find a shidduch and start a family. So, I put myself out there. I joined Jewish dating sites, and most of all, I put all my trust in H-shem, that He would send me the right one at the right time.

In May 2022, I met a fantastic girl on one of the Jewish dating sites. The first time we spoke was over the telephone.

I told her I had been incarcerated for six years within the first few minutes. It’s something I felt I couldn’t hide. When she asks what I’ve been doing for the past six years, do I tell her I was on vacation? (Humor is a must!) She was a little reluctant at first, but when I told her my story and how I completely changed my life in prison, she decided to give me a chance.

We spoke over the phone for the next couple of weeks, getting to know each other. And finally, one day, we decided to meet in person, obviously by the halacha.

The first time I met her was at her job. She wanted to show me what she was doing with real estate and how she spent her day at work. It was super interesting to see her drive and determination. We spoke a lot about different subjects.

And the most fascinating part is that we both had a deep love and desire to serve H-shem.

And as we were speaking, I looked at her work board, and in the bottom left corner, I couldn’t believe what I saw. She had pinned right there on her workboard the exact “Keep Smiling” card that I had in prison! I was in utter shock. Seeing that she was wondering where my mind had gone, I quickly explained, “You won’t believe it. Do you see that “Keep Smiling” card that you have? Well, I had that same card in my prison cell for 5 years….”

Now we were both in utter shock. Yes, we just met each other, but it was a vital sign. If it wasn’t meant to be between us, at least we can say that H-shem was telling us both at that moment, “I’m right here!” There’s nothing better than when H-shem shows you He’s right with you.

But it doesn’t stop there! A few months later, we’re dating and getting to know each other. We thought it would be nice to put ourselves out there and connect with the Jewish community here in Las Vegas. So one day, we go on a double date with another orthodox couple. We love telling the keep smiling story to people, so we thought it’d be nice to share it with our new friends. After telling the story, just like everyone else who hears it, they were in shock.

The wife, absolutely amazed, comments, “Wouldn’t it be so cool if we knew who created those cards, and we could tell him the story!” Right next to her, her husband said, “We do know the guy! He goes to our shul. His name is Barry Shore.”

The couple invited us over for Shabbat. And Friday night, we go to shul, and the husband points me out to Barry Shore. I go up to him and tell him the keep smiling story, and I tell him a little bit about my time spent in prison. Barry was so happy to meet me. He gave me a big handshake and big hug. He wasn’t expecting to hear a story like this in a million years. We sat for a few minutes, smiling huge smiles. All we could say is how amazing the hashgacha pratis is and how amazing H-shem is.

When we see a sign from H-shem, we’re not prophets, and we can’t say what’s meant to be. The whole purpose of the sign is H-shem saying to us, I’m watching you, I’m still in control, and you are entirely in My hands. And when we experience H-shem’s hashgacha, it brings us so much joy. May we merit seeing H-shem in every detail of our lives, and most of all, may we Keep Smiling!

Table of Contents

3 6

R Samet

5

Tough As Nails Bitul Torah Emmunah

7 9 13

The Night Before How it all Began Most Prized Possession

Rabbi Samet

If a person is blessed, he’ll meet a man one day, a man who is more than the kippa on his head, more than the tzitzit hanging beside his legs, more than the mitzvot he performs, and more than the Torah that he studies.

A Jew can perform all the mitzvot in the world, and he can do everything by the letter of the law. But if he has no ethics and no light within him, no humility, joy, peace, giving, and happiness, what good is all the mitzvot in the world?

I am that blessed person. Because on my first day in Otisville prison, I met a smiling chassidic man with pe’ot. Little did I know this man would change my life forever. I would never look at the world the same. Ever since H-Shem connected me with Rabbi Samet, I lived life with a new sense of emmunah and bitachon in H-Shem.

Rabbi Samet was serving a 27-year prison sentence. He was already 15 years in when I met him. But looking at the man, you would never think he spent a second in prison! This man embodied what it meant to have emmunah and bitachon in H-Shem. He is a living emmunah who taught me that no matter where you are, you are precisely where H-Shem wants you to be.

One of the most amazing things about Rabbi Samet was that he never stopped believing that he could go home and be set free early.

Not from the judge, lawyer, or advocate, only from H-Shem. And every day he spent more in prison, his conviction became greater in believing that he could be freed.

anyday

I CAN GO HOME

“I can go home any day,” he would tell me. I used to ask him how much time he had left.

But that was his only answer. The time he had done and the time he had left was entirely up to H-Shem.

WHAT CAME OUT WITH YOU

When Rabbi Samet and I used to study, he would always stress to me that when we were released, the yetzer hara wouldn’t go away. Actually, the yetzer hara would only grow more complicated and cunning. It would be a more vigorous battle to live in the free world.

So when I said my goodbyes to Rabbi Samet after we prayed as free men in his shul and on the way to the airport to fly to Las Vegas, he asked me a crucial question.

“What came out with you from prison?”

“The yetzer hara,” I answered.

He nodded his head in approvement. And before we said our goodbyes, he reiterated the importance of understanding that we are on a battlefield. This is a war against the yetzer hara and to do the right thing by H-Shem. We said our goodbyes, but we would always be connected.

SANDWICHES

&TORAH

I had the merit to study Gemara with Rabbi Samet every day for a year straight!

But one thing about Rabbi Samet was that he loved to give, mainly to provide food. Every day we studied Torah, he would come with a brown paper bag stuffed with one of his famous tuna sandwiches, with pickles and mayo.

Not only did he care about my spiritual health, but it was a must that he would physically make sure that I was alright. I’ll never forget Rabbi Samet’s Torah sandwiches.

THESE DAYS WILL BE HAPPY DAYS, HAVE EMMUNAH

Rabbi Samet wasn’t only my Torah teacher. He was my spiritual guide and a father figure to me. In a place like prison, where men aren’t men, Rabbi Samet was the man I needed in my life. I don’t know how I could’ve grown if it weren’t for him.

I would tell him everything. Anything that I was struggling with, my spiritual and religious questions, my anxiety, my issues. I would even complain to him about being such a young man in prison and how hard it is.

But he always told me the truth.

“You’re lacking emmunah,” he would tell me.

That’s all he would say. But the question begs, how could I pour my heart out to him, and all he tells me is to have more emmunah? He’s smart, he’s soft, he’s caring. Again, how can all he say to me is to have more emmunah?

But I want everyone to know that this comes from a man who went through 19 and a half years of prison, a challenge from H-Shem that most couldn’t face. So to me, this was not a man to be questioned. This was a man to be understood.

And on those days when he would tell me that I lacked emmunah, he answered every question I had or would ever have. It’s the fact that the essence of a Jewish man is to have a simple and complete emmunah.

Whatever you are going through, depression, anxiety, or suffering, you must have the emmunah to say that whatever I am going through is straight from H-shem. And not only from Him but for our ultimate good.

A person can go back and forth all day about his problems. But when he simply says, “thank you, H-shem. I believe that what’s happening is from You,” that person is complete. He fulfilled his mission on this earth.

So when Rabbi Samet would tell me to have more faith, it was the best answer I could ever receive. Simple and beautiful, and authentic.

SEPARATION, RELEASE, AND REUNIFICATION

When Covid-19 hit, Rabbi Samet and I were sadly separated. We were housed in different housing units, which was the most significant blow to my soul. Here I was, getting one-onone spiritual guidance and Torah study, and just like that, it was gone.

In all honesty, I didn’t care about getting infected with Covid. I was more concerned and depressed that I wasn’t learning from Rabbi Samet.

He would send me sandwiches still through the cafeteria workers. He was housed with the cafeteria workers. So when it was our turn for our housing unit to eat, the cafeteria worker would hand me off the brown bag with Rabbi Samet’s famous Torah sandwiches.

But eventually, baruch H-Shem, he was released early from prison, just like he knew would happen every day. He did 18 years of his 27-year sentence. And what better day to be released than Erev Rosh Hashana! This story reminds me of when he told me with a big smile, “H-Shem is here in Otisville.” Yes, He was.

I was ecstatic for him. And once again, my emmunah increased. I witnessed this man proclaim that he would be freed early every day.

People thought he was crazy, but Rabbi Samet wasn’t crazy. We learn from him that emmunah isn’t emmunah if it doesn’t look crazy!!

And eventually, 2 years later, it was my turn for release. The first place I went was to Rabbi Samet’s shul! We davened in a minyan, said the blessing of hagomel upon being released from prison, and I soaked up my reunification with Rabbi Samet. Blessed to be able to pray next to him as two free men!

TOUGH AS NAILS Bitul Torah 77 days into being locked down, 24 hours a day, in our cells due to Covid-19, here in Otisville, we had great hopes of the lockdown being lifted on July 1. The Covid rate was decreasing, and nobody in prison was sick from Covid. It finally looked like it was time for us to get more freedom.

Unfortunately, today, suddenly, screams of “lockdown!” were shouted by a few officers as we were out of our cells for our scheduled phone and email use for 45 minutes a day. At the time, I was speaking on the phone to my mom. But like many times before, I told her that I had to go because we were getting locked down...

The familiar sick feeling of the unknown bubbled in my stomach and my heart sank as we all walked back to our cells.

Dinner was soon. “I’m not hungry,” I thought.

A couple of hours later, our bad feelings were reinforced. We received a note from the warden stating that an inmate tested positive for Covid-19. Further testing and meetings would need to be held over the next few days to figure out what the procedure will be from now on.

“Can’t be good,” I thought.

Baruch H-shem, after a few minutes of sitting and contemplating, my heart returned to its place. I reminded myself that everything is in the hands of H-shem. This situation further proves that there is nothing we can do or plan without the confirmation of H-shem. I opened my Gemara, and as I studied, I realized the only thing we can do is learn and do mitzvot and fear H-shem, none of which needs the confirmation of H-shem. This is for us to do.

A Jew must always be aware to never engage in bitul Torah. But what exactly is bitul Torah? Isn’t it not engaging in Torah study every second of the day? May H-shem give us the merit to be able to study Torah every second of the day, but sometimes it’s not practical. You might have to take care of your kids, work a job, clean the house, clean yourself, or eat. And sometimes, we aren’t on the level of the tzaddikim of before, so it might be hard for us to focus every second of the day on Torah study. We might feel burnt out, chas v’shalom. There are so many things that, unfortunately, take our yearning eyes away from the light of the Torah.

But what does H-shem tell us? He says that even when you aren’t engaging in Torah study, don’t engage in bitul Torah. When you eat, say a bracha! Every bite should be infused with the knowledge that you are eating to sustain yourself to better study Torah. When you are working long hours to put food on the table, feeling stressed out that you have no time to study, remember that this is where H-shem wants you to be now. And when you have free time to study, learn with everything you have!

When you go through a hardship, don’t forget to thank H-shem for His righteous plan and judgment for our ultimate good! Don’t be a bitul Jew. Know who you are. Know your situation.

At that moment, I began learning my Gemara when an argument arose We are soldiers of H-shem. Some soldiers are between Rav and Shmuel. I realized I am fulfilling my exact purpose in on the front line, some are reserves, some are life, bringing honor and joy to H-shem. chefs, some are lieutenants, and some are handicapped. But every soldier has a specific I also benefitted my soul by adding holiness to it. And it isn’t that I want task that he must accomplish, and it all goes to study for personal benefit, but the truth is, if I left this earth right now, towards one mission: The protection and what better way would there be to leave than to have words of Torah on success of the country. The same goes for your lips? Therefore, in Pirkei Avot (2:10), it says, “v’shuv yom echad every Jew. No matter his role in life, he must lifney mitatach” “Do teshuvah one day before your death” But how do believe with all his might that this is the task you know when your death is? That is precisely the point. We don’t that H-shem has appointed him today. It’s up to know when we’ll die, so we must do teshuva daily. him to do the best he can with it, to infuse the But we mustn’t get lured into the destructive thoughts of the yetzer most emmunah and bitachon that he can into hara. It tells us that since we are going through a challenging situation it, and to rejoice in the fact that he is taking part that seems to get worse by the day, we are exempt from studying Torah in what H-shem has created him to do. He is a part of the fulfillment of the Torah, and he is not and being productive Jews. engaging in bitul Torah.

We must deflect all these thoughts and realize that the Jewish people must be tough as nails. Whether the nail is skinny, thick, wide, or small, Refrain from letting the yetzer hara fool you into its use is still needed. We are all unique, and every Jew has a special thinking that you aren’t good enough. Realize in the moments that have passed that H-shem mission and purpose in serving H-shem. handed you a mission and a goal to complete.

Look up to the sky and realize your purpose. We were created for the Life is a test, and we are unique. Believe it, and wood, we are hammered in, in this place, in this day, at this moment. if you endure and succeed in the trial, H-shem will bless you more than the eye can see.

Combatant of H-shem The Ramchal says in his Sefer Mesillat Yesharim about a man that “shehu b’emet b’toch hamilchama hachazaka” “In truth, he is in a strong war.” We must realize that we are in the army of H-shem.

Later, he says that one should conduct himself “c’derech yotzey hatzavah b’ma’archotehem” “in the manner of soldiers in their battle stations.” Ramchal shows us that it isn’t sufficient to just be a soldier of H-shem, but instead, a combatant on the battlefield ready for war.

When we realize the truth that we are in a spiritual battle, we will be prepared at any moment to perform and guard ourselves. Just as a ducking soldier takes cover from gunfire, even more so, we must duck sinning. And just as soldiers take offense, striking their enemy first, we must also strive to do mitzvot. A soldier goes out with all his equipment, follows the general’s orders even if he doesn’t understand why, and is prepared with the utmost preparation for war.

We, the beloved of H-shem should even more so dress as a Jew is commanded and follow all the commands of our General. Even if we don’t understand why, we must be prepared with the utmost preparation through the constant and in-depth study of the Torah and its laws.

Through contemplation that this world is full of futilities, one moment we can be rich, another moment we can be poor, and with all the riches, we can be sad. Through poverty, we can find joy. We will realize the only essential, and truthful thing in this world is to attach ourselves to H-shem and His Torah and to go in His ways, like a soldier running headlong into war for his country and his general here on this earth.

Emmunah

In Chapter 2 of Faith and trust, The Chazon Ish opens with a groundbreaking statement. “There is an old misconception rooted in the hearts of many when it comes to the concept of trust in H-shem [known as bitachon (trust)].

This term, used by the righteous to name a celebrated and central character trait, has undergone a change and has mistakenly become a term to describe the obligation to believe in a situation a person finds himself in where he faces an uncertain future with two obvious ways – one good and the other not – that indeed the good outcome will be the one to occur; if one is doubtful and fears the possibility of the opposite of good occurring, he is lacking in trust in H-shem. This understanding of trust is incorrect.

If the future has not been revealed through prophecy, the future is not decided, for who knows H-shem’s judgments and rewards? No – trusting in H-shem is not that, but rather the belief that nothing happens by chance and that everything that occurs under the sun results from a decree of the Almighty.

The Chazon Ish is teaching us a straightforward concept in his book: Trusting in H-shem is to believe that nothing occurs by chance. And everything that happens under the sun results from a decree of the Almighty. We understand that H-shem is in control of everything, and we always say it with our mouths. So why teach such a simple concept?

Why go through the trouble of putting this down in a book? The Chazon Ish had many other matters to attend to. Again, why teach something so simple?

It is because we are so accustomed to saying with our mouths alone that we trust and have faith in H-shem, that when we are faced with a situation to actually apply our faith and trust in H-shem, we don’t pass the test.

Take a businessman, for example. He’s orthodox, he prays, studies, he’s shomer Shabbat. He does everything by the halacha to the best of his ability. But when he goes out to do his business and puts his faith in H-shem for his sustenance, does he hold this trust in H-shem every

second of the day? And as the weeks, months, and years go by, does he constantly trust that his sustenance still comes from H-shem?

We learn from the Chazon Ish that in the blink of an eye, this level of trust can, G-d forbid, go down the drain. We are in immense danger of losing grip of trusting in H-shem. All it takes is one second for the businessman to think in his heart that it’s solely through his efforts that he’s making money. Indeed, H-shem will test the businessman, and he will allow him to make money thinking that it was through his actions that he became rich. Little by little, he loses complete trust in H-shem. In his heart, trusting only in himself while walking around saying, “Baruch H-shem” for his newfound sustenance.

I beg you to put to your hearts today the importance of serving H-shem in your hearts. It Is such a beautiful thing how we are so careful with the most minor details of every mitzvah. We make sure we have kosher tefillin, we make sure we eat kosher, and we make sure we keep Shabbat.

We do so with the most remarkable detail. This separates a Jewish soul from the rest of the world. And we must aspire to be more observant and to be more careful.

But we must also serve H-shem wholeheartedly through true emmunah and bitachon. The fight to serve H-shem is not only through the details of the mitzvot but also through emmunah and bitachon that we have in H-shem.

We must be willing to show how far we will go as servants of H-shem. We don’t ask for challenges and obstacles, but we must be ready to show our loyalty to our G-d. As a soldier shows his loyalty to his general, even more so, 100 times more, should we be ready and hungry to show our loyalty to H-shem. As we learn in the Torah when H-shem promised Avraham that his offspring shall be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Avraham trusted fully in H-shem. As the Torah says, “ve-he-emin ba H-shem vayachsheva lo tzedaka” “And he trusted in H-shem, and He reckoned it as a righteousness.”

The Night Before

I barely slept that night. Emotions of anxiety, happiness, euphoria, and excitement flowed through my body like a tornado as my release from six years in prison was imminent. It was finally today.

I thought about the day I came to prison. Worry and fear of what will happen to the 21-year-old kid from Las Vegas was almost too much to bear. I was a sheep entering a jungle. A jungle filled with lions, tigers, and snakes. If a sheep entered a wilderness, is it possible to escape alive? Is it possible for it to come out unharmed?

I was filled with so much gratitude from H-shem, knowing that not a hair on my head was harmed. I entered the jungle, and H-shem led me through it. There was violence, hatred, and many things that could have happened to a Jewish kid in this dark place that he should never have been in. But without any protection, except for the shield of H-shem, I was coming out of prison 26 years old, wiser, humbler, healthier, and religious. Most of all, my soul was infused with a true emmunah and bitachon.

I saw mamash nissim, miracles, with the sudden release of many Jews who were, lo alenu, serving the rest of their lives in prison. I saw the hand of H-shem in this dark place. I’ll never forget the day Rabbi Mordechai Samet told me sternly, “H-shem is here in Otisville.”

I woke up from my daydream from a knock at my cell door.

“Balva! You ready?” The officer asked as it was time for my release. But the ready that he was referring to was entirely different than what was on my mind. He was prepared to release me from prison. But I knew those words were from H-shem, meant to penetrate my soul entirely differently. It was H-shem asking me, I know you’re ready to physically leave, but are you prepared to deal with the yetzer hara in the free world? Can you still serve Me wholeheartedly in a world where the yetzer hara exists on every street corner?

And my answer was the only answer I saw fit. You bet I was ready, and I had no other choice. After everything I’d been through, there was no way I would let the opportunity of having a second chance at life and freedom slip out of my hand. Two things could have happened to me while I was on the street, engaging in criminal activity and doing drugs. In my mother’s words, “You are going to die or end up in prison.” And from the ultimate loving-kindness from H-shem, through prison, I was given that second chance at life. And not only a second chance, but I was blessed to have so many doors open.

I was blessed to have the spark to go after H-shem. I was sent to a New York prison with 15 orthodox Jews. I learned with Rabbi Rubashkin, Rabbi Goldstein, and Rabbi Samet, who taught me the halachot, the proper way to be, and

showed me what it is to be a true man. They taught me how to wake up in the morning despite the suffering and pain, despite knowing that their days ahead look grim. Despite all this, they had the emmunah and bitachon to see that we are precisely where H-shem wants us to be. They realized we should study, be happy, and follow the ways of H-shem no matter what.

As the doors to the prison were opened, my heart almost left my chest, but Baruch H-shem, I caught it as I walked towards my family for the long-awaited embrace. We have waited for this moment for the past six years, and my family and close friends spent this time with me. Every day that we woke up, we were in prison. We were all inside Otisville, and it was finally over. We were all finally free.

We got in the car, and my mom handed me this strange device. An iPhone. She also gave me some strange-looking green paper. Money. And a few other odd things that I was so happy to receive.

I spoke to maybe 20 people on the phone, and they all were so happy to hear that I was released. I went to a shul, prayed Shacharit for the first time as a free man, and said birchat Hagomel. I felt so light like I was flying. I wasn’t hungry or thirsty or wanting anything. I was on such a high of life. There are no words to explain what the transition from darkness to light in the blink of an eye is like. It makes you think how much joy and happiness will come during the times of Mashiach.

After praying Shacharit, I was blessed to hear words from a person I hold very dear to me. Words that always came short but direct and always gave me emmunah and bitachon. It was from Rabbi Samet.

“You know what came out with you from prison, right,” he asked.

I knew exactly what he was talking about, so I answered, “The yetzer hara.”

He nodded and went on to explain to me what it was like for himself to be a free man after spending almost 20 years in prison. And that, as a solider of H-shem, there are challenges and spiritual wars everywhere. Whether we are in prison or the free world, we must be aware of that. I take his words with me everywhere I go.

Months went by, and I cannot express how grateful I am to H-shem for releasing me from physical prison and breaking my spiritual shackles. He allows me to be inspired to live a life of Judaism every day. I go three times a day to a minyan, I have study partners, I work, and I am in the process of trying to edit and publish a book that I wrote while in prison. It’s beautiful to wake up every day and smell the fresh air. Through the challenging and painful prison times, H-shem gifted me with genuine happiness, positivity, and a love for life.

As I look back to everything I’ve been through and where I’m at now, I beg anyone reading this to take my story as a lesson that we must do everything we can to do the right thing in life. It’s never worth it to get in trouble. Before you decide to do something, think to yourself, am I doing something that brings honor to H-shem, my family, and myself?

And am I doing something that could land me in trouble? Because if I am, I need to run the other way. From firsthand experience, it’s not worth it.

May we all merit seeing our salvation and the salvation of Mashiach. May our salvation come only through our logic to go after H-shem and chas v’shalom, not through suffering and pain. And if chas v’shalom, suffering, and despair come upon us, may we have the strength to understand that it is all for our good from our Father in Heaven, who loves us and only wants the best for us. And that suffering is an atonement on our precious souls and a wakeup call to unburden ourselves of the material world and the world of sheker. And to only go after H-shem with our whole essence is our purpose here on earth.

I would like to conclude on what I perceive to be a positive note. My grandmother, zichrona livracha, just passed away two nights ago at a ripe old age, 91, and without pain. A big fear of mine while I was in prison, was that I wouldn’t get to look my grandmother in the eyes, tell her I love her and hug her. But Baruch H-shem, my prayers were answered, and I could do all these things. I got to experience the twinkle in her eyes as she enjoyed seeing her grandson sober and healthy.

I’ll never forget the day I was released, I went to see her, and she was in utter shock. She said over and over, “Shawn, it’s really you? I can’t believe it’s you!” And two nights ago, right before her passing, she was confused about her situation. She wasn’t with it at all. She was heavily medicated, and her organs were failing. I came to her bed, smiling, as I was sad but happy for her that her soul would ascend to a much better place. Her confused eyes caught mine for a second, and she said, “Shawn is that you?” I nodded. “I love you,” she said. And a few hours later, she passed.

Baruch Dayan Ha-emet. All I could think is H-shem is entirely good. Only good. May we never forget. ^

How it All Began Growing up, my family wasn’t religious. “G-d” was rarely mentioned. We ate like everyone else; we lived like everyone else but rarely mentioned G-d. I knew that I was a Jew, and I’m sad to say that I wasn’t proud of it. Still, something inside of me always told me that I was different. This “different “was the candle inside, the Jewish soul, trapped, waiting to ignite.

It all started with my dad. My dad, Israeli-born, was always very spiritual and firmly believed in H-shem. He pounded in my head over and over that I was a Jew and that I must marry a Jewish girl. When he would talk about a future event, or he would tell me something he was going to do, he always said, “b’zrat H-shem.” “With the help of G-d.”

When I turned 13 years old, the time of Bar Mitzvah, having one wasn’t something that crossed my mind. I grew up playing sports, which was how my life would be. Anything Jewish didn’t matter to me, and I was turned off by it. I saw how other Jewish kids dressed and acted, and with my distorted/selfish/childish mind, I didn’t want any part of them.

Although I remember my dad arguing with my mom that it was vital for me to have a Bar Mitzvah. This was a big thing; he did such a big mitzvah to ensure I would get Bar Mitzvah’d. My mom agreed, I prepared begrudgingly with a Chabad rabbi, Rabbi Oz, and one morning before school, I quickly had a Bar Mitzvah.

After my Bar Mitzvah, I returned to my “normal” life. We didn’t eat kosher, we didn’t do Shabbat, we didn’t do anything Jewish, but still, I knew who I was.

I eventually became very good at football. We lived in Las Vegas then, and many coaches told me I could make football a profession. At 14 years old, the next step was to choose a high school that would give me the best chance to reach this goal. That school would be Bishop Gorman High School, a Catholic private school. My dad was enraged and argued heavily with my mom not to send me to this school. My Chabad rabbi asked my mom, “What place does a Jewish boy have in a Catholic school?” But I wanted to go there because of the opportunity it presented to get me into a professional football league, so my mom agreed.

In my freshman year at Bishop Gorman, I was required, like everyone else, to wear a uniform with the cross of the Christians. I was also required to go to Catholic services and a Catholic class once a week. Amazingly, these teachings never penetrated my soul. This is a prime example of H-shem being a “magen” or “a shield.” I still felt “different,” that I was different from all the other kids and that caused me to feel anguish. In hindsight, this was the cause of my making decisions to lead me down a path of destruction. A course of destruction orchestrated by H-shem to lead me to my true purpose; to be a Jew. During the next three years in high school, I attended Faith Lutheran High School, a Christian High School. Bishop Gorman didn’t work out, and the only other high school that would give me a chance to go pro was a Christian school.

But football was all that mattered, so that’s where I decided to go to school. At Faith Lutheran, I was also required to wear a uniform with a cross, go to services, and take a class on Christianity, constantly feeling “different.”

In my junior year of high school, things were seemingly going great. I was doing great in football, making friends, and life was good. But one night, everything would change. After a game, I went out with a friend to a party and drank alcohol for the first time. I fell in love with the party scene. Slowly, throughout my high school career, I became a fulltime drug addict. Every day, every hour, every second, all I wanted to do was do drugs and drink alcohol. It consumed my life. And worst of all, it worried my parents, especially my mom, who witnessed my detonation.

I got suspended for the first two games of my Senior year for getting caught drinking at a party. So, when that suspension was up, a thought came to mind, to pray to G-d. I said, “G-d, please let me have a good season, and I will stay away from drugs.”

For three weeks, I stayed away from drugs and had unbelievable games. My stats were through the roof. If I kept this up throughout the year, I would have a real chance to go pro. But one night, Thursday, as the evil inclination does, a thought came into my head to smoke weed. I did, and the next day, unbelievably, I was randomly drug-tested and kicked off the football team. I knew it was from G-d. But I continued in my druggy ways, getting worse and worse, and forgot all about G-d.

My mom started attending Friday night Shabbat services, lighting Shabbat candles, and making a meal with challah to find peace. Many times, she would invite me to participate. But I always told her that I was busy. If I ever did

come, I would ask her to hurry up so I could go out with my friends. Her worry increased, but her reliance on H-shem increased as well.

After high school, I was doing nothing; my drug use increased, I started to steal, get tattoos, and I stopped playing football. I turned into a full-time criminal. I was arrested for DUI, which didn’t give me a wake-up call to stop what I was doing. I was ultimately out of control, using all different types of drugs.

At the peak of my detonation, my family worried about me, but nothing stopped me. The drugs made me cold. Like Pharoah, the drugs “hardened” my heart. There was no amount of crying or begging to stop me on my destructive tracks. I was leading a life towards prison or death. My mom told me, “If you continue, you will end up dead or in prison.”

At this destructive peak, H-shem had mercy on my family and me and took things into His own hands. Out of the blue, I started to have a strange feeling. It isn’t something that I can explain in any way. But I began to feel that “something” was telling me to stop what I was doing, or something terrible would happen. Now, whenever I was going to engage in criminal activity or do drugs, I felt that “something.” But I pushed it off and continued in my ways.

Life’s pressure of having a job and having to sign up for college while balancing a drug-infested criminal lifestyle was getting to me. I felt like I was going to pop.

On August 25, 2015, I was arrested for armed robbery. I was taken to the Las Vegas County jail, booked, and processed. I was devastated, but my family was even more so. The jail was horrible, dirty, and filled with actual criminals. I didn’t feel like I belonged. And when I was finally detoxed from all the drugs a few days later, I felt that “different” again and remembered that I was a Jew. I even started to pray to H-shem to take me out of this nightmare.

When my mom and dad visited me, it took so much to hold back my tears. I even remember my mom telling me, “Whatever it will be, I picture you living a beautiful Jewish life when this is all over.” It sounded good, but all I could think of was having to spend time in prison. My mom and dad also suggested that I get on the kosher diet they offered at the jail. A rabbi who worked at the prison came to my unit and asked me questions to verify that I was Jewish. The next day I would start to eat kosher. Everybody else’s food tray was brown, and mine was red. At first, I was nervous about being different than everyone else. Still, eventually, I realized that if you be yourself with confidence and don’t overstep anybody’s path, you are given respect. Around the unit, guys would call me “kosher” because of my red kosher tray.

Two weeks into jail, it had been a very spiritual experience. I was suffering, but I felt G-d. I had the opportunity to get on house arrest bail to await sentencing. At night before the judge’s decision, a random person that knew nothing about me came up to me and said, “I can see that you are going through a tough time, but you’re going to go home soon.”

The next day, the judge agreed to let me out on bail, something unusual for an armed robbery charge. The next day, while I was being released on bail, I walked past a tough-looking Latino individual with tattoos all over his face and body. He asked me, “You goin home?” I told him I was. He said, “G-d bless you.” I left that day with a newfound belief in H-shem. I didn’t understand, but the candle was lit, but not on my own.

Out on bail, I completed a rehabilitation program, but that and jail still didn’t teach me a lesson. For the nine months that I was out on bail, I picked alcohol and drugs back up, even though I was drug tested by my house arrest officer.

After a while, my mom was fed up with my behavior and told me that I needed to turn myself into jail before I got into trouble and made things worse. My lawyer already informed me that I was going to do prison time, so it was better to start my time now.

I spent five months in a federal jail in Las Vegas. During these five months, my soul started to inquire more about Judaism. I still wasn’t eating kosher or observing Shabbat, but I wanted to know a little bit more about what it meant to be a Jew. The first thing I started to do was to participate in the fast days. I jokingly told my mom, “Maybe I’ll be a rabbi one day.”

Many times, H-shem gives us a wake-up call that makes a deep impression on us, and one of those wake-ups happened to me after the fast of Yom Kippur. I prepared a non-kosher dish with pork and cheese as the fast was ending. I’ll never forget a white guy with a swastika tattooed on the back of his head coming up to me and saying, “I don’t understand you Jews. You fast and pray, and then eat non-kosher. You’re a hypocrite.” What he said opened my eyes to the truth. That I was a Jew and that I had a purpose. I still wasn’t 100% ready to change, but the change was imminent.

I was sentenced to eight years and one day in prison. At 21 years old, I would go to Victorville Prison in California, a very tough and dangerous prison. No place for a Jew. Arriving at Victorville, I was nervous but ready for whatever was ahead.

As I said, if you be yourself and are sincere, you will get respect for that. Some guys at the prison told me that I should hide my Judaism, but I let it be known, and respect was given. After getting settled in, I was called into the chapel for Shabbat services on my first Saturday morning.

I showed up at the chapel and was walked to a small room where the Jewish services were being held. As I walked into the room, I was greeted by an African American man wearing a tallit, who introduced himself as, Adir. Adir in Hebrew means mighty. He even had it tattooed under his eye, which I later found out was to cover up a gang tattoo.

He explained to me that at 18 years old, he was given a 56-year sentence; he was now 40 years old. For the past 14 years in prison, he practiced Judaism, even though he wasn’t halachically Jewish. In prison, it’s nearly impossible to have a kosher conversion, and he truly wanted one.

Adir explained that since I was Jewish, I should start eating kosher, observing Shabbat, and putting on tefillin, and that’s precisely what I did. I began to eat kosher and do the Shabbat to the best of my knowledge. Until my tefillin would arrive in the mail, Adir would let me borrow his every morning. It’s incredible how H-shem put Adir into my life.

I looked up to Adir because he was cool, so he made Judaism cool to me. My distorted perception growing up was that being Jewish, eating kosher, and doing Shabbat wasn’t cool. But now that Adir showed me that it was, I wanted more and more to learn what it meant to be an observant Jew. In Victorville, we celebrated the holidays, and I started attending Friday and Saturday Shabbat services every week.

We said Kiddush on grape juice and said “hamotzi” on bread. I stopped making phone calls, emailing, and watching TV on Shabbat. In an Artscroll siddur, I copied down all the blessings on food and always kept it in my pocket. When it was time to say a blessing, I covered my head with my hand (which I now know is not halachically acceptable, but I was trying) and quietly said the blessing. I found out that you are not allowed to pray in the same room as an open toilet, and since our rooms have a toilet in them, I covered the toilet with a towel. I started to pray Shacharit, Mincha, and Maariv.

I would call my mom and dad and ask them to look up specific questions on Jewish law on Google. A rabbi from Chabad visited us once a month, and I would ask him questions. I’ll never forget one of the questions I asked that rabbi. At the time, I had in mind to play football professionally when I got out, but I knew it would conflict with my observance as a Jew. I told him that if I played football, I would have to break the Shabbat at some point. I asked him what to do. He told me that I knew the answer. I know the answer now, and as Jews, H-shem must come first over anything.

I was now asking my parents to get me in touch with a rabbi I could speak to at any time because my soul now thirsted to learn TORAH, but I had no idea how. My thirst to be a Jew came out of nowhere, and I wanted more and more.

Anything that I found out I wasn’t doing right or not doing at all, I immediately corrected myself to be in sync with the law. I loved it, and still, I wanted more.

One day, my mom came to visit me. She told me that if I wanted to study more about Judaism, I should ask to be transferred to Otisville, New York. Otisville had a full-time rabbi as the head chaplain, about 20 Jews, and a minyan daily. She also told me there’s this person there, Rabbi Rubashkin. He would take you under his wing and teach you how to be a proper Jew.” I was reluctant because of the distance from home and the cold weather in New York. I told my mom that I didn’t want to go and that I was ok where I was.

Eventually, because Victorville was a dangerous prison, I felt uncomfortable. I told my mom we should try transferring me to Otisville. I prayed Shacharit, Mincha, and Maariv, with great kavanah(concentration), to H-shem. I prayed that he should send me to Otisville so that I may learn to walk in the ways of the Torah. My intent was pure, and he answered my prayers. A few weeks later, I was designated to Otisville with the help of H-shem, my mom, and the Aleph Institute.

On my way to Otisville, taking two plane rides and a month in transit, I didn’t miss a day of putting on tefillin and eating kosher. Even at both stops in Oklahoma City and Brooklyn, I was greeted by other Orthodox Jews. In Brooklyn, it was my first encounter with Chassidic Jews walking with a smile, saying, “Shalom Aleichem!” H-shem was genuinely making things happen.

When I finally arrived in Otisville, I was amazed to see grass and friendly officers. In Victorville, there was no grass, and all the officers were very disrespectful. I was taken to the unit where I would be housed. I was greeted by a guy wearing a kippa and tzitzit. He said, “I would like to introduce you to Rabbi Rubashkin. He lives in this unit.” I was thrilled to hear that the rabbi, my mom had told me about, when I was in Victorville would be living in the same unit as I. It was unbelievable.

When I met Rabbi Rubashkin, I was star-struck. He had an aura of light around him that made you forget you were in prison when you were around him. He had a fantastic smile that made you feel good. He brought me to his room, and I put on tefillin and said Shema. Later that day, I would go to my first-ever minyan. When I arrived at the minyan, I was greeted by warm smiles and handshakes. I was on a cloud. Even in the darkest of darks, prison, the Jewish people come together to make a dwelling for H-shem.

I started to wear kippa and tzitzit all the time. Little by little, my service to H-shem became fine-tuned. My kosher consumption, Shabbat observance, and prayer service became in sync with the law since I was surrounded by rabbis and ex-yeshiva students. It was like I was in yeshiva!

But what I really wanted, which my Jewish soul was thirsting for, was to learn The Holy Torah, H-shem’s Torah. Rabbi Rubashkin suggested that since we lived in the same unit, we should learn Chumash with Rashi and Rambam daily.

And that’s precisely what we did for the next three months before his presidential commute from prison; he taught me how to learn Torah. I learned so much, not only from what we learned in the Torah, but from how to conduct myself as a proper Jew. He taught me great lessons, and when he left, I was sad but happy that he was reunited with his family.

I’ll never forget how he would say all the time that we could be freed from prison at any moment, and that’s precisely what happened. He was released on the last day of Chanukah 2017.

After Rabbi Rubashkin left, I felt a void. I now knew how to study on my own, and I was more potent in my observance, but my soul was upset from the disappearance of the treatment it just went through. I needed a teacher.

A few months later, my prayers were answered. I started learning Gemara with Rabbi Goldstein, another rabbi incarcerated in prison. His knowledge and patience were incredible. We would study for the next five months every day until he would eventually be transferred to the Otisville camp. Through this time, I became much more familiar with the Gemara, as he was very patient with me, and spending time with a rabbi every day significantly impacted me.

Rabbi Goldstein taught me what it meant to be humble.

But when he left, I felt a void again. I prayed to H-shem to send me a teacher, and once again, He answered my prayer. A few days before Pesach 2019, Rabbi Samet, who left Otisville 18 months earlier, had come back. I asked him if he would teach me Gemara, and he happily agreed.

Until the covid 19 lockdown, when we were unfortunately separated, we learned every day for a year Gemara, Shulchan Aruch, and Mesillat Yesharim by the Ramchal. Words cannot explain how proud I am to call myself a student of Rabbi Samet. Every day we learned, he made me understand more and more what it means to be a Jew in this challenging world. He showed me that we will always have problems, challenges, and struggles in life, but it is incumbent on us to use these struggles to increase our emmunah (faith) in H-shem. He has shown me that as a Jew, all we can do is be sincere in serving H-shem. The rest is in the hands of H-shem. It was indeed a blessing to learn from Rabbi Samet.

As I look at where I used to be, as opposed to where I am now, I can only be humble. I see myself as a fully observant Jew, still with many flaws. I am humbled and thankful to H-shem for what He has taken me out of. H-shem saved me from underneath a mountain engulfed in water. The challenges, the Catholic and Christian schools, the drugs, prison, disappointments, discomforts, and confusions, and today I understand that the Torah is our life. I still need to learn how to perfect this service, but at least I know the goal.

I look at all the suffering I, my family, and many others have been through. It is only so that we learn to love and revere H-shem. As it says in Tehillim, “Tov li ci unety lmaan elmad chukecha” “It is for my good that I was afflicted so that I may learn your statutes.” Through my suffering, I’ve realized that salvation only comes from H-shem, and He does everything good and evil so that we may know He is H-shem. I also now understand the Rashi in B’Shelach (15:17), where Rashi explains that H-shem will have supreme sovereignty in the future. It’s not that H-shem doesn’t always have the authority, but now that I am aware of and believe this, this is the true ultimate sovereignty.

As I look at where I am, as opposed to where I’ve been, my intellect shows me that I can only be humble. I am a solid tree. My leaves are green, and my fruits are ripening. My flowers are colorful, and my branches are strong. My trunk is firm, ready to withstand the world. I look around at all the other trees. Some are more beautiful than me, which I adore, some without leaves that I abhor. As I gaze into the distance, I see one of the beautiful trees being tended by a familiar face. It’s the same face that has watched me. I’m instantly humbled because I now know it was meant to be.

As I look at where I am, as opposed to where I’ve been, it can only be the fool inside of me to say it was me.

Be patient and humble and give to receive. Be kind and compassionate, and you will feel free. Let go of the worry, and let G-d in your life because he’s already there like a little boy kicking and screaming, not wanting to be dressed, and his mother tells him,” Are you done yet so that I can proceed?”

Most Prized Possession As the Jewish people, we must understand that our most prized possession on this earth is the ability to serve H-shem and to study Torah.

It isn’t about all the money, clothes, or cars in the world. It’s simply about serving H-shem wherever we may be and wherever we are.

During the six years I spent in federal prison, I witnessed and felt first-hand what it is to go through unimaginable pain and suffering. Prison is the most inhumane place that a human can be placed in. Who in their right mind would put another human being in an 8 x 11-foot cell for 24 hours a day, with no fresh air, no sunlight, and no one to communicate with? No punishment is justified by prison.

But that is neither here nor there.

This is the world that we live in. And unfortunately, there are many Jews who have made mistakes, committed crimes, and are now spending 5, 10, 20 plus years in prison.

And through my experience in prison, I realized that prison is no place for a Jewish soul, but a Jewish soul is precisely where it is supposed to be. In such a hopeless place, I had to internalize that the only way to survive this painful physical situation was to serve H-shem with my entire essence. It didn’t matter that I was in prison because that is precisely where H-shem wanted me to be.

We believe that H-shem does everything for good, and He is actively in control of the world. I had to understand that if H-shem is in control of the world, He commanded us in his Torah to embrace and guard it with all our strength. Even though I was in such a dark and dangerous place, I was not exempt from following the Torah. And not only was I not exempt but I was still commanded to be the best Jew I could be to H-shem, just like any other Jew. Their is a beautiful story I must tell about a fellow Jew of mine who learned in prison what a truly prized possession is. For the sake of anonymity, we will

call his name Jacob. Unfortunately, Jacob was sentenced to 25 years in prison, and he already did 10 years.

This took a toll on him and continues to weigh heavily on him every day. And because of this stress and suffering he endured, Jacob would often find himself in trouble. He would do drugs and break the rules in prison.

that he cared for all the inmates while secretly making the Jews his priority.

The guard called the rabbi down to the shu.

“This guy’s asking for something called tefillin,” he told the rabbi carelessly.

The rabbi immediately came down to the shu with tefillin. As he handed the One day, Jacob was caught breaking a tefillin to Jacob, the guard rudely put his prison rule, and they placed him in what hand in the way to stop the transaction. we call the “shu,” short for the “special housing unit.” In the shu, an inmate “What is this crap,” the guard said. can spend anywhere from two weeks to one year in solitary confinement, 24 And with a beam of the fire of the hours a day. Baruch H-shem, I have service of H-shem in his eyes, the rabbi never been, but I hear it’s a terrible exclaimed to the guard, “This right here, experience. this is a Jew’s most prized possession!”

And he handed Jacob the tefillin, eyed But one thing about Jacob, even though the guard down, and walked away. The he struggled with an intense internal rabbi didn’t care that he was a staff battle, falling prey to the yetzer hara member of the federal prison. At that many times, he served H-shem with moment, he was also in prison with his everything he had. He got back up and fellow Jew, no longer the chaplain. punched the yetzer hara in the mouth.

I’ve never witnessed someone who This moment gave Jacob great joy. He made so many mistakes while at the knew the importance of the mitzvot, same time sincerely serving H-shem and he knew he needed to pray and with so much love. Jacob’s heart was study. But he was reminded that with so attached and longing for H-shem. It those little leather phylacteries costing reminded me of David Hamelech, who a mere few hundred dollars, a Jew can made mistakes but loved H-shem on go to unimaginable heights. He can such a high level. connect to H-shem on such a deep level, something this guard could never So as Jacob was in the shu, he didn’t and never will understand. dwell on his bad behavior or how he fell again to the yetzer hara. No, what did May we only seek out the true he do? He remembered that a Jew gets prize, the prize of the Torah and back up on his feet, and he immediately the service of H-shem. Others will asked the guard for his tefillin because spend their lifetime chasing futilities, he hadn’t prayed yet today. The guard honor, money, and wealth. Still, we, gave him a bit of a hard time, but Jacob the Jewish people, chase after the made a lot of noise. “It’s my religious treasures for our eternal souls. And rights!” he yelled. we serve H-shem with all our might, in pain and suffering, the same that we And in prison, no matter what the case, would do in wealth and peace. we must be allowed to practice our religion. The guard didn’t want to get in trouble, so he called the head chaplain of religious services, who happened to be an orthodox Jewish rabbi from Chabad. He worked at the prison 4 days a week to ensure that all the inmates’ religious services were met. And as a Jew, we were truly blessed to have him.

He did his job in such a beautiful way