L'Chaim Magazine 0623

JUNE/JULY 2023

JFEST

30 YEARS CELEBRATING JEWISH ARTS IN SAN DIEGO

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MORE ARTS

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contents

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June/July 2023 • www.lchaimmagazine.com

in this issue...

COVER STORY JFEST @ 30: Lipinsky Family San Diego Jewish Arts Fest is Back! ...........................................

1000 WORDS The Strength of Modesty: Women's Powerlifting in Israel.......................................................

FOOD Grilled Ceasar Salad........................................................................................................................................

FEATURES JNF Acheives Fundraising Milestone.................................................................................................

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WOMAN POWER

10 18

20 22 24 26 28

Drumming in Jewish Circles.......................................................................................................................

GRILLED CEASAR

My Tree in Israel................................................................................................................................................

Michelle Danner................................................................................................................................................

Camarada.............................................................................................................................................................

COLUMNS

06 08

Prayers & Passages........................................

29

Mazel & Mishagoss..................................

Random Rants...................................................

PUBLISHERS Diane Benaroya & Laurie Miller EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Alanna Maya CREATIVE DIRECTOR Laurie Miller CONTRIBUTORS Ariela Alush, Barbara Birenbaum, Franklin Felber, Donald H. Harrison, Stephanie Lewis, Salomon Maya, Jana Mazurkiewicz Meisarosh, Terra Paley, Mimi Pollack, Rachel Stern, Eva Trieger, Deborah Vietor, Chana Jenny Weisberg, Cheri Weiss

ADVERTISING & SALES Diane Benaroya: dianeb@lchaimmagazine.com 4

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

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DRUM CIRCLE

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TORAH l BY RABBI-CANTOR CHERI WEISS

prayers

& passages Yom Yerushalayim

W

e recently celebrated Yom Yerushalayim (“Jerusalem Day”), a holiday little known outside of Israel. It honors the reunification of the city, which occurred in 1967 during the Six Days War. Due to the complicated nature of ArabIsraeli relations throughout Israel’s history, it is a day of mixed emotions. Many rejoice on this holiday, while others are more subdued.

As a young girl attending a Modern Orthodox Hebrew Day School, my education on Jerusalem (and Israel in general) was biblically-based. Jerusalem was the holiest city, and we were taught that someday we would all return there to live by some miraculous event involving the coming of the Messiah. Later, as a teenager who attended public high school and an after-school Judaic Studies program, I was fascinated by what I learned about the modern State of Israel: its people, history, and culture. It was difficult to reconcile my two disparate visions: the land of milk and honey from the Bible and the contemporary society that had been built on the sweat and ingenuity of its pioneers. It was only when I moved to Israel, first on a college program and then by making Aliyah, that I began to weave these threads together.

I lived in Jerusalem during my first year in Israel. A travel guidebook led me on selfguided walking tours of various hidden gems: old neighborhoods where washing hung on apartment balconies and kids played in the streets, pretty gardens tucked away 6

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

in little-known locations. These contrasted with the hustle and bustle of modern life found downtown: busy shops and cafés on Ben Yehuda Street, the Israeli Knesset (“Parliament”), and the modern dorms I lived in as a student at the Hebrew University on Mt. Scopus.

My favorite spot in all of Jerusalem is Ein Karem, a mountain village just minutes from downtown Jerusalem. Its tranquil setting belies a complicated history dating back to at least the Second Temple era, where, as the birthplace of John the Baptist, it became a holy place to Christians. I frequently descended from the crowded neighborhoods that overlooked the valley until I reached the bottom, meandering through the narrow, cobbled streets, and soaking in the quiet surrounding me.

Years later, well after my six years as a resident of Israel, I returned a few times to visit. In earlier years, with a toddler in tow, our agenda revolved mainly around visiting her Dad’s family. Later, however, in between watching my then-teen play water polo matches at the Maccabiah Games (winning the gold medal for the USA!), I again explored this holiest of cities. Sleek modern rail transit had replaced the older buses; and a vast, contemporary shopping mall was now within walking distance of the Old City walls.

The Kotel (Western Wall) was still an exhilarating sight. Now, however, as a

cantorial student, I felt the weight of the religious significance of this holy site on my shoulders more deeply than I had previously.

I edged closer and closer to the Wall and cautiously pulled out my tallit, wrapping it around my shoulders.

“She’s wearing a tallit!” someone exclaimed in English. To the Orthodox, this was the purview of men; and while I did not want to offend anyone, I pressed forward until my hand touched the Wall. Pulling out my small siddur, I began to pray, very much at peace.

There was room for all of us here, I believed, regardless of our spiritual inclination.

On Yom Yerushalayim, I thought about my last visit to Yad Vashem, the World Holocaust Remembrance Center in Jerusalem. There the horrors of the genocide of our people are laid bare; and one cannot leave without feeling enormous gratitude that in our lifetime, a place exists for all Jews to call home should they so choose. For all the challenges faced by Israel throughout its relatively brief existence — in particular those who have lived through Jerusalem’s troubled history — I honor those who fought bravely to enable us to reach this special day.

RABBI-CANTOR CHERI WEISS IS THE SPIRITUAL LEADER OF TEMPLE EMANUEL IN HONOLULU, HAWAII.

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MY COMIC RELIEF l BY SALOMON MAYA

random rants

Life, Death, and the Arts

O

n March 13 of this year, my father was taken from us without warning. The call came at 11:15 p.m., and by 11:37 p.m., a paramedic’s solemn words confirmed that he was gone.

The days that followed were filled with somber rituals, initially dreaded but later recognized as essential for my grieving process.

As I write this, only two months have passed since his death. Emotions and feelings defy adequate expression; they remain elusive, almost impossible to capture in words.

My relationship with my father was a complex tapestry, woven with contradictions.

He was quiet, while I was boisterous. He shunned attention, while I sought it. On paper, we were complete opposites.

A month after his departure, my seven-yearold son and I were in the car, and he posed a profound question, “Is Abuelo (Spanish for grandfather) in heaven happy?” I contemplated the magnitude of his inquiry, and despite my internal turmoil with the question, I realized its weight.

I replied, “Absolutely, buddy, he’s so happy.”

Curiosity got the better of him, and he asked, “How do you know?”

I yearned to swiftly answer his question and to shift our focus to more lighthearted subjects like the demise of the dinosaurs or the next Marvel movie. But he persisted, his unwavering gaze meeting mine in the rearview mirror.

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L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

In that moment, memories flooded my mind — instances when my father and I shared something in common, though few and far between. Amidst the haze of recollection, one common thread emerged — the arts.

Performing in front of others would have tormented my father, longing for the shadows at the back of the room. On the contrary, I thrived under the spotlight. Yet, every time I took the stage, he would beam with pride.

As his health deteriorated, he couldn’t attend many of my shows. However, there was one theater in Chula Vista that held a special place in his heart. It was a small, intimate venue that catered to his needs. It was there, on that stage, that he witnessed one of my performances for the final time.

That theater is OnStage Playhouse.

As I sat Shiva for my father, I learned that OnStage Playhouse was teetering on the brink of closure due to financial woes. I couldn’t bear to see this happen. Too much loss had already consumed my life. Swiftly, I joined the Board of Directors and rallied with other talented artists to launch a fundraising campaign, striving to preserve this beloved theater that — God willing — will celebrate its 40th season this year.

Back in the car, locking eyes with my son, I uttered, “I know because I’m happy.”

His response caught me off guard when he asked, “You know he’s happy because you’re

happy?”

I nodded and replied, “Yes, that’s the power parents have.”

As he gazed out the window, I couldn’t tell if he truly grasped my words or if his attention had wandered elsewhere. A couple of seconds passed, and I refocused my attention on the road. Then, from the back seat, I heard a whisper.

“I’m happy too.”

In the depths of my darkest hour, the arts brought two opposite minded souls together.

That is the power of the arts. Today, I am worried that if we do not take drastic action now, OnStage Playhouse will suffer the same fate as my father — gone too soon. If you are able, I’m asking you to spare to the only live theater venue in South San Diego. No amount is too small, and you can donate in honor of a loved one if you wish. Together, we can ensure that OnStage Playhouse continues to thrive for another 40 seasons and beyond.

To donate, please visit onstageplayhouse.org/ donate.

SALOMON MAYA IS A LOCAL EMMY-WINNER, ACTOR AND PLAYWRIGHT. FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER @SALOMAYA OR EMAIL HIM AT SALOMONM@LCHAIMMAGAZINE.COM.

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L’CHAIM | BY ELIANA RUDEE | JNS.ORG

Efrat Lev. 10

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

L’CHAIM

1000

WORDS THE STRENGTH OF MODESTY: WOMEN'S POWERLIFTING IN ISRAEL

P

owerlifting competitions (known as “meets”) have been out of reach for many religious women who follow laws of modesty of dress, due to the International Powerlifting Federation requirement of competing in front of coed judges and audiences in a singlet, which exposes the arms and legs. That includes both Jews and Muslims.

But a new initiative from the “Women Who Lift-Israel” community is about to change all that.

According to its founder, Sarah Illouz, a 40-year-old Montrealnative-turned-Israeli, the movement was established during the coronavirus pandemic in Israel with the goal of building an online community (in the absence of the camaraderie that happens at CrossFit gyms), of women who can share their achievements, struggles and questions in all matters related to strength sports. Today, there are nearly 2,000 members in the online community, including talented and passionate religious women who have made strength sports, and particularly powerlifting, a part of their lives.

Powerlifting is the sport of the back squat, bench press and deadlift, in which the competitors aim to lift the maximum amount of weight possible for a single rep. In order to properly analyze competitors’ movements and form, judges must be able to clearly see one’s knees and behind, which, for religious women, are purposefully covered for modesty.

On May 27, the first-ever sanctioned women’s-only powerlifting meet is set to take place at FitnessLand in Rishon Letzion, which will open its studio to women only, enabling religious women to participate without compromising their modesty in front of men.

“We have so many talented women who could compete professionally, hiding behind the curtains without the chance to compete,” said Illouz. “Our competition will give them equal opportunity to compete officially with the International Powerlifting Federation and follow their passion. This competition will make sure no woman is excluded from following her dreams.”

According to Illouz, a Modern Orthodox Jew, powerlifting empowers women by allowing them to uncover their incredible physical and mental strength without sacrificing their religious

observances by uncovering their bodies. This is particularly important for women in very traditional circles.

“It not only makes them stronger physically but stronger mentally, and builds their self-confidence,” said Illouz, whose perspective changed from the negative mentality of diet culture and weight loss to strength training. A software engineer, she noted that the confidence gained from “being able to squat 100 kilos” (220 pounds) spreads to all facets of her life, including her work, as she truly believes she can achieve difficult tasks.

Jewish Orthodox athlete Michal Orlinsky, 34, shared a similar sentiment, saying “sport is a way to impart values and build personal qualities of consistency, perseverance, dedication and coping with difficulty. I love the feeling of self-confidence and sense of ability I achieve through lifting.”

This is most important for religious women, who are often mentally and physically overwhelmed with their duties in and outside the house, she related, and often don’t focus on themselves.

When Illouz brought Orlinsky to watch a powerlifting competition, Illouz recalled “seeing the fire in her eyes” when she couldn’t compete, knowing that “she could crush every woman there.” In fact, she was crying. This inspired Illouz to organize the May 27 meet, in which Orlinsky will be competing and co-organizing.

“Without this opportunity,” Orlinsky said JN, “I wouldn’t even think of competing. For a religious woman, it doesn’t even cross your mind because of the way competitions are structured today.

This allows me to go public with what I love to do most and show the world another side to the religious woman … Orthodox women participate in this kind of sport and the religion is not supposed to limit [participation].”

Iris Schechter, a three-time gold medalist representing Israel in powerlifting internationally, will act as a judge and is on the meet’s organizing committee. Though originally against the idea of separating men and women in sports — and at first rejecting Illouz’s idea — she said that she agreed to join after “witnessing Michal’s training videos and realized how strong she is, how many resources she put into her training and how passionate she is about the sport.”

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L'CHAIM

Michal Orlinsky.

“As a woman who did in her life whatever she wanted, especially in sports, it was hard for me to see women who are restricted from [achieving] their dreams. I deeply appreciate the coaches and [athletes] who encouraged me to run this event and [helped me] understand the constraints religious sportswomen face.”

Strength and CrossFit coach Efrat Lev, co-organizer of the May 27 competition, said she had to compromise her observance of modesty in order to compete. As an Orthodox Jew, the 39-year-old recalled leaving her skirt on a “white plastic chair in the corner. I had left it on until the last possible moment. It was my first time baring my legs in front of so many men, and it was the last time I would feel so selfconscious about it. Because once you cross that bridge, it’s never the same. And while some will say that’s a good thing, those who share my values will understand that there’s an element of sadness and loss in that.”

“It was not an easy decision at all,” she said. “That’s why I am so proud to take part in organizing a sanctioned competition that will allow other women to compete without having to make the same sacrifice that I had to make.”

Lev first began lifting after she had a difficult pregnancy and learned that resistance training with progressive overload is crucial in preventing physical deterioration and diseases such as osteoporosis, a common ailment of her older female clients. “It is never too late to start,” she said. “When I first started lifting, I never imagined that I would be able to lift my own body weight. Today, I am on the road to lifting triple that amount.”

Illouz, Orlinsky, Lev and Schechter found a sponsor for the event: 12

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

Israel’s sporting goods distributor Salsport. Owners Irena and Kobi David-Pour have donated Eleiko brand weightlifting equipment for the competition. “When we heard about the first powerlifting competition in Israel for women, we were very excited,” Irena said.

“We believe that the time has come for more women in Israel to be exposed to powerlifting and take part in it.”

Indeed, women from all over Israel are set to participate, and religious Jews are not the only ones competing.

Hana Halabi, 47, a Druze fitness instructor and owner of a health club in her village of Daliyat el-Karmel, said that the women-only competition is an opportunity and an inspiration for women of all backgrounds to “know their strength without the fear or worries of men being around judging them.”

As a religious fitness professional, she noted “there is nothing religiously or socially forbidden or unacceptable in weight training.”

And while many women might be concerned that weightlifting “will make them look masculine,” Halabi remembered “feeling like a queen conquering a new world with a smile and insane energy” when she began lifting. Bringing the field of sports to the village, she said, has “upgraded the lives of women and men in the village” and caused a revolution of mindset.

“I love powerlifting and the power, motivation and readiness [it brings] to achieve goal after goal,” she said.

Schechter, though originally against the idea of a women’s only meet, has not only had a change of heart but called on “every woman, spectator or competitor of any level to come celebrate with us.”

ARTIST SHOSH ERNST Shosh Ernst works in a variety of media, including oils, acrylics, woodcuts, charcoals, pastels, silk and more. She is inspired by woman centered strength.

“I document events, ideas and recurrent universal feelings. I do so directly, in an open and even blunt manner, for these things are too important to me to be hidden. What I am after is not subtle, but rather an emotional expression to be communicated and experienced.”

Having recently relocated from Boston to North County, Shosh has exhibited all over the world, including Spain, Israel, Germany and throughout the USA. Her work is currently hanging in Adore at the Forum in Carlsbad. She also arranges private showings.

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13

COVER STORY | BY EVA TRIEGER

JFEST: 30 YEARS OF JEWISH ARTS CELEBRATING A MILESTONE WITH FAR-REACHING FESTIVAL 14

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

COVER STORY

I

t’s mind-boggling to think I covered my first Lipinsky Family San Diego Jewish Arts Festival (JFEST) in 2012 when I was introduced to Women of Valor. I feel like I experienced the festival’s adolescence and now it has become a full-fledged adult! And just as with people, with those rights come responsibilities.

The 30th JFEST is taking its role seriously and delivering a far-reaching Jewish festival replete with speakers, new music, award-winning theater and so much more. Every facet of this extravaganza has exceeded expectations and shows no sign of slowing down.

I spoke with Artistic Director Todd Salovey about this milestone year. He concurred that the festival has grown like the amorphous Blob of the sci-fi film we watched in the ‘60s — only in a good way! Salovey told me that JFEST began as a single Sunday festival at the Lyceum Theatre.

“Two years later we grew it to one week in one location,” he said.

Today, the festival runs from June 1 through July 16 in more than eight venues. Aligned with Salovey’s vision of making the next step easy, the festival is held in many spaces throughout San Diego’s abundant and diverse communities. I assumed that the pandemic had put a kink in operations, but was told that “because everything was digital, it enabled us to work with amazing artists like Tova Feldshuh, Joel Gray, the cast of Fiddler on the Roof and to collaborate with artists nationally, forming relationships.” Salovey told mem that the goal wasn’t necessarily to make the festival bigger, but it expanded organically as programs grew and were developed to a greater extent.

“When something comes our way and is important, it’s hard to refuse,” he said.

The disparate nature of the programs draws audiences from a host of places. When the Union Tribune announced that Witnesses had won two San Diego Critics Circle awards for Best Musical and Best Directing, tickets sold immediately.

This musical treatment was inspired by diaries of five teenagers who perished in the Holocaust. Through social media, emails, brochures, and word of mouth, San Diegans are discovering programs and bringing friends.

JFEST is unique in that its focus is on developing original programs, rather than restaging previously performed works.

There are stalwart partners with whom the artists work closely.

The festival is an “originator and nurturer, incubating many new projects.” The undercurrent is to present proudly Jewish work that also invites non-Jews to take part. For instance, the band SoulFarm plays Grateful Dead, thus appealing to Jewish music lovers as well as Deadheads.

Is there an untapped audience Salovey wishes JFEST could attract? Young family audiences have been the focus this year.

The festival is an “originator and nurturer, incubating many new projects.”

The undercurrent is to present proudly Jewish work that also invites non-Jews to take part.

With Becca Myers producing The Whole Megillah New Jewish Play Festival, they are making serious inroads, attracting high schoolers and families. More on this in just a moment. Just as the festival is extending a hand to younger audiences, the cowriters and assistants of prior years are being handed the baton and a great deal more responsibility. I congratulated Salovey on the nachas he must reap from Ali Viterbi, Becca Myers, Leah Salovey and so many more, who’ve taken the leap into ownership and leadership of the festival.

“Nothing is more gratifying as a mentor than to see your mentees doing work which exceeds your own,” he said. “These people are such bright lights in the arts communities and in their Jewish communities.”

Sheila Lipinsky, daughter-in-law of Bernard and Dorris, original naming underwriters, spoke with me via the telephone and shared her gratitude and excitement for the continued growth and success of JFEST. As an educational therapist and an advocate for children and adults with learning differences, Sheila learned, early on, the mitzvah of giving back. Her parents and grandmother, Rose Smith, shaped her views on tzedakah and Yiddishkeit. This led to a lifetime of volunteering and philanthropy.

“With the help of our wonderful community, we have been able to continue the legacy,” she said.

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COVER STORY

What aspect of JFEST most excites Lipinsky? Is it the music of Leonard Cohen in House of Cohen, the 22nd Klezmer Summit with Yale Strom and Elizabeth Schwartz and Hot Pstromi?

Could it be reaping the wisdom of Rabbi Dr. Meir Soloveichik?

Or perhaps it’s the Matisyahu concert, Yale Strom’s film, or The Merchant of Venice Annotated? Well, yes, to all of the above and more importantly, “sharing the culture of our small Jewish population with the rest of San Diego. So many cultures create a richness here, and this is a beautiful opportunity to share and learn about each other.” Lipinsky appreciates the new creative team and credits Salovey, whose vision it was to bring this event about 30 years ago. She sees him as the heart and creative director of this program.

As promised, back to Becca Myers, actor, producer, writer, Esther and Girl Wonder. Becca began acting with J*Company when she was just 12. Since the age of 15 she has been co-writing Women of Valor. She credits Todd Salovey, her amazing mentor, with encouraging her and helping her identify and achieve her goals. She stated that “he took a chance on us and mentored us every step of the way so we’d be successful.” Currently a producer at the Old Globe, Becca told me that she wouldn’t have even considered this career path had Salovey not brought her in.

I wanted to know how the subjects are selected for Women of Valor and learned about the process of researching our seemingly interminable wealth of incredible Jewish women, right under our noses! Each interviewee is represented by an actor who has 16

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

some connection to the honoree, making it more authentic and touching. I also asked about The Whole Megillah Festival.

Myers produced plays that “haven’t yet had a life” with the hopes of getting them workshopped and gaining exposure.

The submissions, which came from national and international theatres, had to be full-length plays that were unapologetically Jewish. Myers was specifically interested in stories that dealt with Sephardic Jewry, a less oft-represented side. Hereville is a tale of an Orthodox Jewish teenager, dealing with death, trauma, and family making it a universally relatable story. “Red Beads” is a story of unrequited love with an unexpected ending. Finally, Chagall, a play that has been in process, is filled with music, movement, and unique relationships.

Another new and dynamic feature, and a don’t-blink-or-you’llmiss-it addition of the 30th JFEST is the Eco-Jewish Play Fest — 7 plays. 24 hours to create, 1 night to enjoy! which is held at Coastal Roots Farm at Leichtag Commons. This ambitious program combines the pillars of the farm with Jewish tenets.

Seven writers, 21 actors, and just 24 hours will produce short plays inspired by our uniquely Jewish values and concerns.

From the Mishnah, we learn that 30 is the age of strength.

JFEST 30 proves this!

FOR MORE INFORMATION AND TICKETS TO ANY JFEST PERFORMANCES, VISIT SDJFEST.ORG

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TEST YOUR JEWISH IQTM 1. What is the numerical value of the Hebrew word for “life,” a number which is widely thought

by Jews to bring luck and good fortune? ____ a. 10 ____ b. 18 ____ c. 36 ____ d. 40 2. According to the Talmud, which are all the methods, and the only methods, by which a beit din (Jewish court of law) is authorized to execute a person convicted of a capital crime? ____ a. Stoning and burning ____ b. Stoning, poisoning, and burning ____ c. Stoning, burning, beheading, and strangling ____ d. Stoning, poisoning, burning, beheading, and strangling 3. In which of these countries did Rabbi Moses ben Maimon, known by the acronym Rambam and more commonly known as Maimonides, not live? ____ a. Spain ____ b. Morocco ____ c. Egypt ____ d. Palestine 4. What was the first commandment given to the Jews upon leaving Egypt in the exodus? ____ a. Observe Rosh Chodesh (literally, head of the month) ____ b. Be fruitful and multiply ____ c. Do not bear a grudge ____ d. Observe Passover every year by eating matzos, etc.

5. The Trump administration mediated the Abraham Accords, in which Israel normalized relations with the UAE and Bahrain and which other nations? ____ a. Oman and Morocco ____ b. Tunisia and Sudan ____ c. Qatar and Saudi Arabia

____ d. Sudan and Morocco 6. Hillel II, without the aid of telescopes in 359 C.E., introduced a method of calculating dates of new moons and holidays that was accurate about how far into the future? ____ a. 5 months ____ b. 5 years ____ c. 50 years ____ d. 500 years 7. All males who have the kohen gene today are known to be descended from which biblical figure? ____ a. Abraham ____ b. Aaron ____ c. Moses ____ d. David 8. The great tzadik (righteous person, saint) and Talmudic scholar, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, known worldwide as the Chofetz Chaim (“one who desires life”), died in what year? ____ a. 433 C.E. ____ b. 1133 ____ c. 1533 ____ d. 1933 9. Orthodox Jews believe that, according to the Talmud, the world is sustained and saved from destruction at all times in the merit of at least how many hidden tzadikim? ____ a. 10 ____ b. 18 ____ c. 36 ____ d. 100 10. What is Israel’s rank in the world for cloud tech startups per capita? ____ a. Number 1 ____ b. Number 2 ____ c. Number 3 ____ d. Number 4 Answers on page 21. ©2023 Felber, Starmark, Inc., all rights reserved.

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L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

FOOD

GRILLED CAESAR SALAD

BY TAMAR ROTHENBERG, MS, RDN

T

his summer, fire up the grill and toss on a... romaine heart! With this lemony-nut dressing atop grilled romaine lettuce, you can improve your plant-forward meal game.

GRILLED CEASAR SALAD

Improve your plant-forward meal game with this unexpected side dish.

Total Time: 20 mins Serves 6 Ingredients 12 romaine hearts, halved 6 lemons (1 cup lemon juice) 4 Tbs capers, drained 4 Tbs white miso paste 4 Tbs tahini paste (if there is an allergy concern, replace with Vegenaise) 1 1/3 cups water 2 Tbs Worcestershire sauce, gluten free if necessary 4 Tbs macadamia nuts, raw Olive oil spray salt, to taste Directions 1. Preheat grill to high.

2. Lightly spray both sides of romaine hearts and place cut side down on grill.

3. Grill for about 1-2 minutes until grill marks appear on lettuce. Flip and grill for an

additional minute. The goal here is to sear the lettuce quickly, not to cook it.

4. Remove hearts to platter, cut sides up.

For dressing, place all ingredients — ­ lemon juice through macadamias — in a high-speed blender and process until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. Just before serving, drizzle hearts with dressing. Pass extra dressing at table.

TAMAR ROTHENBERG, MS, RDN, IS A REGISTERED DIETITIAN WHO SPECIALIZES IN RECOVERY AFTER BREAST CANCER IN HER PRIVATE PRACTICE IN LOS ANGELES. SHE HAS A CERTIFICATE OF TRAINING IN VEGETARIAN NUTRITION; AND COLED THE CLINICAL STUDY, COPING WITH CANCER IN THE KITCHEN, PUBLISHED IN NUTRIENTS. TAMAR LENDS HER EXPERTISE TO SHARSHERET THRIVERS THROUGH NUTRITION COACHING. CHECK OUT TAMAR’S OTHER RECIPES IN HER

BOOK, CANCER DIET FOR THE NEWLY DIAGNOSED: AN INTEGRATIVE GUIDE AND COOKBOOK FOR TREATMENT AND RECOVERY. VISIT TAMAR’S WEBSITE AT WWW.TAMARROTHENBERGRD.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION. THIS RECIPE WAS SUBMITTED BY THE NONPROFIT ORGANIZATION, SHARSHERET, THE JEWISH BREAST CANCER AND OVARIAN CANCER COMMUNITY. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS BEEN IMPACTED BY BREAST OR OVARIAN CANCER OR HAS ELEVATED GENETIC RISK, CONTACT SHARSHERET FOR FREE SUPPORT AND RESOURCES. FOR MORE INFORMATION, VISIT SHARSHERET. ORG OR CALL (866) 474-2774.

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FEATURE STORY

TRAVEL

"THANK YOU, SAN DIEGO WE DID IT!"

J

ewish National Fund-USA’s leadership have thanked San Diego’s philanthropic community for their generosity and support in enabling the organization to achieve its $1 billion fundraising goal. Powered by its partners (donors) and ambassadors (lay leaders), the fundraising achievement is fueling the philanthropy’s investments that build a strong, vibrant future for the land and people of Israel through bold initiatives and Zionist education.

“Our One Billion Dollar Roadmap for the Next Decade initiative has enabled us to positively change the entire trajectory of Israel’s Negev and Galilee,” said Jewish National Fund-USA National President, Dr. Sol Lizerbram. “Behind every dollar raised is a life changed, a child given hope, and an entire community uplifted through high quality-of-life opportunities that allow them to thrive.”

Driven by a 122-year-old mission, Jewish National Fund-USA connects San Diego’s next generation to Israel, creates infrastructure and programs that support ecology, people with disabilities, Research & Development, and heritage site preservation while operating a fully accredited study abroad experience at its Alexander Muss High School in Israel.

Jewish National Fund-USA San Diego President, Jacqui Schneider, added, “Our goals are bold and our vision is clear. Through the construction of fortified schools, medical centers, parks, playgrounds, 20

L’CHAIM SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE • JUNE/JULY 2023

and R&D centers, we are attracting a new generation of pioneers to Israel’s frontier regions in the Negev and Galilee. And we do all this while supporting over 60,000 Israelis with disabilities in addition to creating resilience centers and therapy facilities for Israeli communities dealing with the stresses of living in the Gaza Envelope.”

Driven by the momentum of its latest fundraising achievement, thousands of philanthropists in San Diego and across the U.S. plan to attend the organization’s Global Conference for Israel (November 30-December 3) in Denver, Co. where they will celebrate the organization’s achievements, meet with the Israelis they support, while learning about the philanthropy’s next big campaign to be unveiled during the historic extravaganza. Register today at jnf.org/global.

OPERA NEWS

TRAVEL

Left to Right: Diana Lombrozo, Eliezer Lombrozo, Peggy Preuss, Peter Preuss

ANSWERS TO TEST YOUR JEWISH IQTM 1. b. The Hebrew word for life is chai, comprising two letters, chet (=8) and yud (=10). L’chaim means “to life.”

2. c. Stoning, burning, beheading, and strangling are known in the Talmud as the arba misos (four death penalties). With the exception of Reb Shimon, the Talmudic rabbis agreed that this is the order of severity of physical punishment, from most severe to most lenient.

3. d. Born in Córdoba in present-day Spain, Maimonides worked as a rabbi, physician and philosopher in Morocco and Egypt. After he died in Egypt in 1204, his body was carried to Tiberias in the lower Galilee, where his tomb can be visited today.

4. a. A reason given why sanctifying the new moon was the first commandment given to the Jews upon the exodus (Ex. 12:2) is because tracking the months accurately is vital for observing the holidays, like Passover, and for performing other commandments.

5. d. Morocco signed in December 2020, and Sudan signed in January 2021. Oman backed out at the start of the Biden administration, and no other countries have signed in the two years since.

SAN DIEGO OPERA

OPEN 1/2

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n Saturday, April 22, 2023, hundreds of opera lovers gathered to celebrate the transformative power of the human voice at the San Diego Opera Ball for All, When in Rome. The evening was co-chaired by Veronica and Miguel Leff, and Diana and Eliezer Lombrozo and honored the giving legacy of Peter and Peggy Preuss, longtime champions of the arts and education. The black-tie event was held at the Hyatt Regency La Jolla at Aventine and began with a spirited cocktail hour followed by an Italian-themed dinner and dancing to the rousing beat of Jacqueline Foster Showdance.

Celebrated mezzo-soprano Guadalupe Paz, who recently created the role of Frida Kahlo for the world premiere opera El Último Sueño de Frida y Diego, serenaded guests with a program of crowd-pleasing Italian arias and songs. The evening was a huge success as guests generously supported the Opera’s programs with an exciting paddle raise that raised more than $600,000 to help ensure the future of San Diego Opera.

6. d. 500 years. Religious persecution in the 4th Century jeopardized the traditional method of determining new moons by witnesses in Jerusalem each month. So Hillel II, who is regarded as the creator of the modern fixed Jewish calendar, calculated the new moons and holidays with a calendar that was not adjusted to its final form until 922 to 924 C.E. 7. b. The kohen gene, Cohen Modal Haplotype (CMH), has been passed from Aaron, the first Kohen Gadol (chief priest), father to son, for more than 100 generations. Date calculation based on the variation of the mutations among kohanim today suggests the ancestral founder of this genetic line lived some 3,300 years ago, the approximate time of the exodus from Egypt. The genetic similarity of today’s kohanim has the highest “paternity-certainty” rate ever recorded in population genetics studies.

8. d. Although the Chofetz Chaim never revealed his age, his obituary in The New York Times reported that he died at the age of 105 on September 15, 1933, after living a life of poverty and legendary piety in Radin, Poland. He was spared witnessing the rise of Nazism.

9. c. In the Talmud (Succah 45b), Abaye said, “There are no less than thirty-six righteous people in the world who receive the countenance of the Divine Presence each day. As it is stated: praiseworthy are all who await Him. ‘Him’ has the numerical value of thirty-six.” The Chofetz Chaim was widely thought to be one of the 36.

10. a. As of October 2022, at 8.4 cloud startups per million people, Israel leads the world, helping Israel earn the name, “Startup Nation.” By comparison, the U.S. has 2.5 per million. Israelis are natural entrepreneurs.

Most of Israel’s highly-technical workforce learns technology, leadership, and communications skills in the military. _________________________________________ 0–2 Talmid/Talmida (Student) 3–5 Melamed/Melamedet (Teacher) 6–8 Talmid Chacham/Talmidat Chacham (Scholar) 9 – 10 Gaon/Gaona (Genius) _________________________________________ 2023 Felber, Starmark, Inc., all rights reserved.

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FEATURE STORY

Drumming in Jewish Cirles

BY MIMI (MIRIAM) POLLACK

I

n the book “Miriam’s Tambourine: Jewish Folktales from Around the World” (1988), edited by Prof. Howard Schwartz, Miriam’s drum had magical abilities. Taken from a 19th-century Eastern European folktale, Schwartz writes that the music from Miriam’s drum drove off serpents and kept Miriam herself in eternal life.

Today’s drumming circles may not ward off snakes, but they certainly can help you release stress while you listen, drum along, and share the experience with others. Recently, this Miriam discovered two drumming circles at Temple Emanu-El and at the Lawrence Family Jewish Community Center. No experience is needed for either one.

Once a month, on Tuesday afternoons, Temple Emanu-El offers an informal drumming circle where everyone is welcome. Led by Leanne Pearl and organized by Bonnie Baron, this drum circle began approximately four years ago. Most who attend are members of Emanu-El, but the circle is open to all. Baron came up with the idea to form a drum circle at the temple, and asked Pearl if she would lead it, after seeing her drum impressively at several high holy services.

Baron recruited people to the circle by writing in the Shabbat Announcements in the synagogue’s monthly bulletin and by word of mouth. She also emails reminders to everyone.

When asked what the drum circle meant to them, Kathy Beitscher mentioned that she always leaves feeling better after drumming and she likes learning something new and musical. Ira Moskowitz said that he thinks that rhythmic drumming is a unique and effortless way to express non-verbal polite communication. He recommends 22

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it to those who want to find an outlet for expression and relaxation.

Finally, Suzanne Moss- High related that drumming for her has been a wonderful break from the pulls and demands of life where one can feel a different sort of rhythm and develop another upbeat story.

They all feel that working in collaboration with no judgement can be rewarding.

The group started with four drummers and has grown to 8+ drummers. Their goal is to enlarge the circle and invite other community members to attend. Attendees do not have to bring a drum as one will be provided unless they are inspired to bring their own. This drum circle is usually held on the last Tuesday of each month at 3 p.m. in the courtyard of the temple. Participants are asked to donate $10. Baron’s email is bonniebaron@gmail.com At the Lawrence Family Jewish Community Center, the drumming circle is a two-class event, held several times a year, under a canopy near the tennis courts. These classes are held on two consecutive Fridays from 11 a.m. to noon. The next events are scheduled for September 1 and September 8, but check the JCC website as most likely, there will also be classes in July. Although listed in the senior section, the class is open to all.

Led by the charismatic, expressive arts therapist and certified drum instructor, Galit Shezifi, this drumming circle seems a little more interactive. Participants can choose an instrument from a table that is set up behind, and then join into drumming the various beats, including Middle Eastern among others. On the day I went, one of the beats was Egyptian. Shezifi who was born and raised in Israel of Jewish Moroccan parents says that Moroccan drumming is also very expressive. She says that for Moroccan Jews, every life cycle event is frequently celebrated with a drumbeat.

Several of the participants mentioned how drumming can connect people organically and noted that the workshop helped them open the rigid side of the brain with a new learning, reducing stress and gaining confidence. Char Katz said that what she liked about the drumming circle at the JCC was that it was more “feeling based” as opposed to “teaching based,” which seemed to appeal greatly to the group. She believes that playing drums is something that has no limits, especially with a facilitator like Shezifi.

Finally, Shezifi herself is passionate about bringing the health benefits and joy of recreational drumming to the community through the public workshops and team-building events she facilitates. Her website is www.galitgigi.com.

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Todd S. Frank, CLU

4660 La Jolla Village Drive, Suite 300 • San Diego 92122 (858)202-2366 • Cell: (858) 922-1415 tfrank@financialguide.com

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FEATURE

My Tree in Israel T

here is a terrific organization in Israel called My Tree in Israel. It lets people support Israel by sponsoring an Israeli farmer and then getting something very special in return.

Kobi Assaf, CEO and founder of the company describes how in 2019, he founded My Tree in Israel with two primary goals.

First, to promote the local Israeli farmers.

And second, to connect Israel supporters from around the world to the land of Israel in a unique and personalized way.

“We do so because we believe that a rooted and value-based connection, to the land, agriculture, and the local farmers creates a deep connection over the years. Therefore, people from all over the world, especially in North America, see My Tree as the robust bridge between them and the land of Israel and the people of Israel,” says Assaf.

“The way My Tree connects people to the land and people of Israel is through the Israeli farmers, our pioneers. The people who sparked the first flame of success which Israel now shares. Through My Tree in Israel, people can invest in the Israeli farmers by what we call ‘adopting’ an olive tree, and now a grapevine in the land of Israel.”

This adoption yields you the fruits that are harvested in the form of a private brand which is shipped directly to your doorstep: Six bottles of olive oil from your olive tree and six bottles of wine from your grapevine.

The olives and grapes, which are one of the seven species known to the land of Israel,

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FEATURE

“The idea that people can support Israel, not in the form of a donation, but rather by investing in an Israeli farmer who produces a beautiful product in return, all while preserving the meaningful feeling of support for Israel is the game changer." represent Israel and its traditions. The olive oil you receive from your tree symbolizes the traditions, values, and history, from its use in temples and religious ceremonies to the olive branch that symbolizes peace. The peace which we strive to achieve for ourselves and for a better world. And the wine from your grapevine in Israel represents Israel’s success and ability to create quality and luxurious produce from the land.

Both the olive oil and wine tell the story of Israel. A land of tradition and values, success and aspirations.

People adopt trees for themselves and their families because they enjoy Israeli olive oil; they love Israeli wine. Some adopt a tree or grapevine as beautiful gifts for dear friends since they see it as an affordable and unique way to give something wonderful to a special person who has a connection to Israel and supports Israel. Some also adopt in memory of a loved one.

“A couple of years ago, we had someone

adopt a tree in memory of his wife, who passed away from cancer and never visited Israel.

For him, it was a way of commemorating her name in the land of Israel and keeping a part of her in the Holy Land,” says Yishai Gelb.

Many communities and organizations such as temples, synagogues, congregations, JCCs, and Jewish Federation are partnered with My Tree under the partnership program. They see in the program a unique and meaningful way to connect their members to Israel while enjoying a fundraiser opportunity since my Tree donated a portion of the proceeds back to the community.

Some communities, with the help of sponsors, use My Tree’s platform and create their private brand of olive oil or wine which they give to their community members or donors as a token of gratitude, or simply to give a beautiful product from Israel.

“Kobi and I are deeply touched time and time again when people come and visit us in Israel. When we greet them with a VIP

tour of our farmers, their trees, and their investment in Israel, they tell us how proud they are of their roots in Israel. How excited they are to receive their olive oil from their tree, how thankful they are for their support and connection to the Israeli farmers who created such a thriving industry in Israel.

Kobi and I couldn’t have imagined how deeply people see the importance of what we do and how connected this program makes them feel to the land.”

“But quite frankly, it’s not even about the olive oil or the wine” says Gelb. “people see the adoption of their tree and grapevine in Israel as a direct connection to Israel and Israeli farmers. My Tree as a policy pays its farmers above market value to prompt their business. One of the farmers is a thirdgeneration farmer continuing the family business and tradition of working the land.

Today he has one of the most modern presshouse in the country. Another farmer is an American citizen who moved to Israel as a teenager, an entrepreneur who took his skills to the wine business and now produces an amazing wine. My Tree also partnered with a winery that employs 45 people with special needs, a wonderful and emotional story in itself!”

“The idea that people can support Israel, not in the form of a donation, but rather by investing in an Israeli farmer who produces a beautiful product in return, all while preserving the meaningful feeling of support for Israel is the game changer,” says Assaf.

TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MY TREE AND HOW YOU CAN SUPPORT ISRAELI FARMERS VISIT MYTREE.ORG.IL.

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FEATURE STORY

Michelle Danner Dynamic, Accomplished, Superb

BY EVA TRIEGER

W

hat would you call a four-year who stole the show by tap dancing on a coffee table, doing impressions of Alfred Hitchcock, Ed Sullivan and Judy Garland at her parents’ party? You can only call her Michelle Danner, a supremely accomplished actor, director, writer, coach and mom.

I had a delightfully inspired telephone interview with Danner where I learned about her exciting, if atypical, childhood, her varied education and subsequent career choices. Tracking this woman, one can see that she lives by the very credo she teaches her acting students: 26

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“In order to be passionate, you have to keep expanding, you have to keep growing, you have to keep pushing yourself.” This mantra explains why Danner never rests on her laurels, but keeps moving towards the next project that will stir her passion and resonate with her raison d’etre.

Growing up in a show business family certainly imprinted on Danner, and when her father opened the William Morris Agency in Paris, the family hosted dinners and parties that included actors and musicians. A favorite memory that left a lasting impression on

FEATURE STORY

this young girl was the evening a Brazilian singer came to the home.

She made paella, played piano, told stories and laughed a lot. Danner knew she had to have parties like these when she grew up.

In school, Danner read extensively and was especially enamored of Greek mythology. She also took acting classes at the Conservatory of Paris at Versailles. During this period, Danner cast her classmates, and the aspiring thespians put on the play Antigone. As high school students, they rented a theatre and advertised their production. 500 people attended and made donations. After the show closed, Danner told me they returned to her house to divvy up the proceeds. The troupe went on to create a lot of productions. These experiences taught Danner that this craft required dedication and hard work, which she witnessed first-hand by visiting the backstage of every venue. Meeting talented stars “from Julio Iglesias to Count Basie Orchestra to the Harlem Globetrotters” revealed the dedication and commitment great performers require. The behind-the-scenes experience is a tradition that Danner has carried on with her own two sons.

Danner credits her skills to excellent teachers and her fascinating life experiences. As a teenager in New York, the evolving actress studied with Stella Adler, Uta Hagen, Herbert Bergdorf, William Esper to name but a few. From each of these greats, she gobbled up their pearls of wisdom and then made a synergistic blend all her own.

Her eclectic approach is an unique and effective toolbox that not only provides the technical acting tips, but blends in life lessons to round out this progressive education.

In 2000 Danner moved to Los Angeles. While walking on the beach contemplating her next step, an organic shift occurred and Danner was fielding requests to coach actors and direct films. Danner has witnessed how her “Golden Box” has enhanced the actors’ craft and led many to great success! Those who’ve benefited from Danner’s ingenuity include Christian Slater, Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, Chris Rock and James Franco. With this new chapter she turned down seven acting auditions and pursued her next starring role as acting teacher, coach and director.

Drawn to socially relevant and topical stories, Danner’s films take aim at these actual events. Her last film The Runner was triggered by a news story of a high schooler who went undercover to assist police in breaking into a drug ring. Hello Herman was in response to a school shooting. Danner has also directed comedies and documentaries.

Danner’s current film is Miranda’s Victim and stars Abigail Breslin,

Luke Wilson, Ryan Phillippe, Emily VanCamp, Mireille Enos, Enrique Muriciano, Brent Sexton, Josh Bowman, Sebastian Quinn, Taryn Manning, Nolan Gould, Dan Lauria, Kyle MacLachlan, Andy Garcia and Donald Sutherland. The film relates the horrific true life kidnapping and raping of Trish Weir at the hands of Ernesto Miranda.

This case led to the creation of the Miranda Rights and opened the Santa Barbara Film Festival. Danner’s older son is following in her filmmaking footsteps and has won awards for his short movies.

Danner’s younger son, an athlete, helped her do the research for this one! Danner told me that she gathers everyone she loves around her and puts them to work!

I asked Danner if film festivals had a function. “I’ve just returned from WorldFest in Houston. They had a Directors panel where they were incredibly supportive, generous and exuded great energy.

Festivals create a community and offer a forum to directors. It is the biggest classroom in the world.” This director especially loves the way the film festival connects people. Another feather in her cap: Danner’s feature just won the Grand Remi award at Houston World Fest!

With her multinational background, and her ability to speak several languages Danner is never at a loss for words or stories. After watching Schindler’s List, she learned a few more stories that she’d not been told previously. It turned out that both her maternal and paternal grandfathers were Jewish and perished in concentration camps, along with her uncle. Like so many who experience survivors’ guilt her father did not talk much about this, but impacted by this film, Danner called him and learned that she is 70 percednt Jewish.

This dynamic woman is a wonder to behold. Between teaching at Michelle Danner Acting Studio and the Los Angeles Acting Company, Danner keeps her creativity streaming through acting, coaching and “mommying.” She believes that she will always teach because it is essential to give back and she is eager to share the wealth of her lifetime of rich experiences.

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FEATURE STORY

Camarada

Bringing Audiences Heart-to-Heart in its 29th Season

C

amarada’s mission for 29 years has been to create connections between its San Diego audiences, its artists, and the music.

Now Camarada brings that mission to the forefront of its 2023-2024 season, Heart-to-Heart, with a calendar featuring a variety of heart-wrenching musical masterpieces, cozy jazz standards, passionate tango performances, and more, including multiple world premiere performances.

Fall 2023 kicks off with Music Beneath the Trees, performed both at the Mingei International Museum and Barrio Logan’s Bread & Salt galleries, giving audiences multiple ways to experience a “musical picnic” of pieces by Anton Diabelli, Claude Bolling, and more, as well as a world premiere by Camarada’s Composer-in-Residence Andrés Martín. The fall also sees the return of Music SHE Wrote, a concert dedicated to celebrating the oft-overlooked music of female composers, with thrilling compositions by Valerie Colman, Libby Larsen, Amy Beach, and Gabriela Lena Frank, featuring San Diego favorite, soprano Tasha Koontz.

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Coming back as well from a sold-out run at the Conrad Prebys Performing Arts Center is Charlie Brown Jingles & JAZZ. Now offering two nights of performances to accommodate demand, Charlie Brown Jingles & JAZZ lights up the holidays with Peter Sprague’s toe-tapping arrangements of A Charlie Brown Christmas, featuring dazzling vocals by Allison Adams Tucker.

The start of the new year brings a world premiere for Camarada, In Search of Time, written by composer Stefan Cwik and inspired by the art of Tatiana Ortiz-Rubio as part of Camarada’s 2024 Composers Circle commission. This artistic melding of minds will be performed in UC San Diego’s Park & Market venue, celebrating Camarada’s return to the innovative downtown space. Camarada then returns to its tango roots with Tango Buenos Aires, inspired in part by its Summer 2023 Tango Tour in Buenos Aires. The Tango Camarada quartet will be joined onstage by thrilling tango dance and will be premiere Camarada’s second 2024 commission, a fiery piece by Andrés Martín.

In the spring of 2024, Camarada dives into the music of two disparate composers — ­ Antônio Carlos Jobim and Antonio Vivaldi.

Part of Camarada’s Music of the Americas series, Estrada do Sol takes audiences to Jobim’s Brazil, with works arranged by Peter Sprague. Back at the Conrad, Camarada uncovers long-lost musical treasures in Vivaldi’s Magic, a concert featuring the music of Vivaldi accompanied by music of his era by composers such as Santiago de Murcia, as well as contemporary works by Manuel Ponce and living Mexican composer José Enrique González-Medina.

Rounding out the season, Flutology immerses audiences in a “triple flute jazz jam” at the Mingei International Museum, featuring flutists Holly Hofmann and Tripp Sprague alongside Camarada Artistic Director Beth Ross Buckley. Finally, Soundtrax brings the screen to the stage, with inventive arrangements of movie, television, and video game scores by John Williams, Nino Rota, and visiting composer Gilad Cohen.

TICKETS CAN BE BOUGHT IN SERIES PACKAGES OR FOR INDIVIDUAL CONCERTS. SERIES TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOW, WITH INDIVIDUAL TICKETS GOING ON SALE JUNE 15. LEARN MORE AT CAMARADA.ORG.

HUMOR | BY STEPHANIE D. LEWIS

mazel

& mishagoss Those Sneaky Sly Swimsuit Season Swindlers!

W

eight Watchers: I hereby call our official annual summer conference, “Confusing the Public About Weight Loss and Health” to order. We have lots of business. Who’s up first?

Jenny Craig: Me! I’d like to promote three prepackaged meals a day plus one snack in a vacuum-sealed bag as a nutritious, convenient, healthy lifestyle for weight loss.

Atkins: C’mon Jen! Nobody’s swallowing that nonsense anymore, no pun intended. They got the memo about the dangers of processed food. Big slabs of meat are what’s cool right now!

South Beach Diet: Don’t forget many of them read labels and eschew stuff they can’t pronounce.

NutriSystems: Eschew?? My, aren’t we fancy!

No worries. We’ll just rename our chemicals and preservatives using simple words. And the first three syllables of every ingredient will be “dark leafy green.” That’ll fool ‘em!

Paleo: Don’t kid yourself. Today’s folks wanna eat like their ancestors did in the olden days--stuff they find in nature, like nuts, berries, roots, and squirrels.

Keto: Oh shut up, Caveman. You think you’re such a big macher. Literally copied my entire food plan and called it “Paleo.”

Weight Watchers: Folks, let’s table this argument, (no pun intended) while we shift from public wariness to public scariness.

Now what’s up with yolks? People don’t panic over cholesterol anymore. They’re gettin’ too cocky. It’s time to make ‘em scramble for egg

substitutes again! Plus a War on Watercress?

Teriyaki Terrorists? I know! How does Fear of Fiber sound?

Pritikin: Soluble or insoluble? Whatever!

Just quit making gluten the enemy. That ruined me!

SlimFast Shakes: Liquids, people. Liquids!

Weight Watchers: Whatever we decide for our new doomsday food, let’s get Oprah onboard, shall we? Pulling her wagon of fat wearing those tight blue jeans. Speaking of… time to rotate avocados from a good fat to a bad fat. Salmon too! All in favor, raise hands. Let’s also mess with their dark chocolate. Imagine they actually believe something that tastes good is also good for them!

Atkins: I say turn the entire food pyramid totally upside-down!

Eat According to Your Blood Type: Not so fast there, my Good Man. O+ and AB need the pyramid turned sideways.

Intermittent Fasting: Oh, please…just give me a break! About 16 hours, to be precise.

Mediterranean Diet: 16-hour breaks without food? What can we sell if nobody’s eating? I’ve got expensive olive oil to push.

Jared Fogle from Subway: Yeah! And she better be a virgin. Make that extra virgin. Cuz Olive Oil is promiscuous. Even Popeye knew that.

Weight Watchers: (Does a doubletake) Who let this mashuganah into our meeting?

America’s never gonna buy a steady diet of your footlong turkey sandwiches. (Glances at watch.) Five more minutes until Dr. Oz speaks

about the importance of health food in politics.

Atkins: Who died and left him in charge?

Pritikin: Uh you did, Dr. Atkins. In 2003 to be exact. From your extremely clogged arteries.

The Zone Diet: Ketosis isn’t for sissies!

SugarBusters: (raises a diet Coke bottle) I’ll drink to that!

Dr. Oz: Before I speak, I want to issue a warning about tomatoes and eggplants being nightshades.

SlimFast: Nobody sleeps wearing a nightshade anymore. I think that went out with Marilyn Monroe.

Keto: I’d like to nominate Chia Seeds and Bone Broth as the best new weirdest healthy fad!

Weight Watchers: Nice work, Keto! Ch-ChChia — those cute 1970’s little critters with the stupid jingle. And Bone Broth — sounds like something served in a witch’s cauldron for Halloween. Now get out there and confuse the public to the best of your ability! Because next meeting we’re being shut down by an esteemed guest speaker. Sadly, the jig is up.

Paleo: Who? The FDA? Weight Watchers: Nope. Someone touting the virtues of matzo, hamantaschen, latkes, challah, and of course apples and honey. And it’s all gotta be Kosher. He calls himself…wait for it…GOD. STEPHANIE D. LEWIS WILL INJECT HUMOR INTO ANYTHING YOU HIRE HER TO WRITE. EMAIL HER AT THEQUOTEGAL@YAHOO.COM. WWW.LCHAIMMAGAZINE.COM

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