mazel & mishagoss

Conflict Keeps Relationships Healthy?

Readers ask me, “So…how’s your new marriage going?” Well, things were just fine and dandy until I saw this headline, “Research Shows Couples Who Argue Together Stay Together.” What?? My new husband and I NEVER disagree. Not even about Hamantaschen. We both find poppyseed and prune filling revolting — they fool you into thinking they’re chocolatechip and who needs that kind of evil food trickery? So our marriage is doomed because we’re 100% compatible? Yesterday I came across another article outlining a solution — “4 Fights You Must Have to Strengthen Your Marriage!” What were we waiting for? We had some major catching-up to do. Fight #1 involved children. I called my new husband to launch this controversial topic.

Me: Hi! There’s something important we should discuss. I don’t want any kids.

Him: Um, Ok. What will you do with the six you already have?

Me: I mean we shouldn’t bring a new baby into the world.

Him: I don’t think you have to worry. You’re 58.

Me: (flustered) I am NOT 58!

Him: Are so.

Me: Am not.

Him: Are so! And I can prove it. Goodbye! (It wasn’t exactly the correct argument, but we were off to a fantastic start! There was no time to waste with Fight #2 so I immediately redialed his cellphone.)

Me: Hi! It’s me again. I don’t feel heard.

Him: Shouldn’t you say something first? So then I can hear you?

Me: That’s not how I’m using the word.

Him: Oh! Herd? Where would you like me to herd you? We could go to dinner or a movie with a very large group of people? We could visit a flock of sheep? We could…

Me: (exasperated) I mean you don’t listen to me.

Him: (Silence)

Me: Hello? Are you still there?

Him: Yes. I’m listening to you.

Me: Our communication styles are totally different.

Him: Still listening.

Me: See? You never participate by volunteering your point-of-view. You just sit there silently, focused on listening to me.

Argument #2 was completed in record time! He told me I made zero sense (like the typical female!) and suggested marriage counseling. Yes! That’s what we needed! A therapist to facilitate our last two official arguments. I dove right in to fight #3 as soon as we went inside.

Me: I’m extremely dissatisfied with the frequency we have um…intimate relations.

Him: Wow! Seriously? First time I’m hearing this from her.

Therapist: Stephanie, would you like to have intimate relations more or less frequently than you’re currently having them?

Me: (quickly skimming the article on my phone) Uh, um…well… Give me just a second to figure that out.

Therapist: While she’s thinking it over, are there any other issues you two are having?

Him: None. Prior to today, we’ve had no trouble. Things have been perfect.

Therapist: Interesting. Stephanie, do you agree there’s been no trouble until today?

Me: No. I disagree with that statement. But you’re not the one I’m disagreeing with. I want it on record that I disagree with my husband.

Therapist: Noted. Now how about money? That’s another common fight couples have. Me: Yes! That’s it! Thanks! I was wracking my brain to recall Fight #4. (Odd looks from bo th.)

Therapist: I’m afraid we must continue this argument next week because I need to pick up prunes and poppyseeds for the Hamantaschen I’m baking for Purim.

And in that instant, my new husband and I simultaneously made expressions of mutual revulsion, then linked our arms together and shot daggers with both sets of our very compatible eyes toward our new common enemy. We hurried home to partake in extremely satisfying intimate relations at just the right frequency, because we both agreed that our marriage had just been saved!

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