MODERN MANNERS

REAL SIMPLE’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT, CATHERINE NEWMAN, OFFERS HER BESTADVICE ON YOUR SOCIALQUANDARIES.

My mother is turning 50 this year, and Iwant to throw her a surprise party. Unfortunately I am a broke college student who can’t really afford the dream party she deserves. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her friends to send money to fund the party in lieu of gifts? Or should I ask my grandmother to help? Or should I simplify the party so that fewer costs accumulate? P.S. Is a cash bar always tacky?

A.S.

Think about it from your mother’s perspective for one second: Her lovely daughter wants to throw her a dream party! Can you imagine how happy she’ll be? Just the fact of your wanting this—to say nothing of the party itself. So treat the details as the icing on the cake, because that’s what they are. The only thing to avoid is anything that would add stress, rather than fun, to your mother’s experience. Asking her friends for money might trouble her if she finds out about it, so skip that. Likewise, if a cash bar would make her cringe, skip that, too. If your grandmother has the resources to help easily, perfect: Your mother’s own mother and daughter in celebratory cahoots sounds like the best of all possible worlds. But if it would be financially hard on your grandmother? Then don’t ask, and, yes, simplify. See if someone can volunteer her home; ask guests to bring wine or a dish to share; and

About Catherine

The author of Catastrophic Happiness (out in April) and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts. know that your mom is going to be thrilled to have such a thoughtful child and a loving group of friends. That’s what she’ll remember about turning 50.

A friend of mine was holding my eight-month-old baby and letting her play with a necklace that she was wearing. Not surprisingly, the string of beads broke. I apologized and offered to repair or replace it. She said that she would get back to me with an estimate. Honestly, I offered to be nice—but I feel like she’s the one who let my infant play with the necklace in the first place, and it’s not really my responsibility to repair it. What should I do?

A.B.

It’s possible that something more than a necklace has been broken in this interaction. Because of her response to your offer, you have information about your friend that you didn’t want, and this might turn out to be a moment when you see that your priorities are diverging.That said,you did the right thing in offeringtoreplace the necklace. Your friend should have said, “Please don’t worry! It’s just a necklace. Besides, I’m the one who was letting the baby play with it.” But she didn’t. So if she follows up, you will need to make good on your offer. (Mental note: Rhetorical offers can be taken literally, and doing the right thing can result in the wrong outcome.) Not to be a weird jewelry detective, but if the beads were something valuable,

such as pearls, they would have been knotted, so it’s unlikely that a dozen rolled into an air vent, requiring you to drain the baby’s college fund to replace them. But don’t pursue the matter unless your friend does. Ideally she will reconsider and conclude that people are more valuable than things and that she should let the issue drop.

I have an acquaintance who goes on Facebook to “friend” the girlfriends I introduce her to over brunch. She has even reached out to one independently of me, to receive a favor—which I felt was overstepping. Am I being too sensitive?

J.B.

On the one hand, I completely understand your sensitivity here. Friends becoming friends with one another can trigger jealousy or insecurity, and if this acquaintance is the kind of person who seems to want to be living your exact life, you might feel encroached upon and claustrophobic. On the other hand,other people’s actions and relationships aren’t yours to control. Worst-case scenario: Your friends feel harassed by this interloping acquaintance. But that’s a situation that they can handle as they see fit; you do not need to intervene. Best-case scenario: Your friends are creating meaningful relationships with one another, thanks to you. Muster your most generous expansiveness and see yourself as the helpful hinge that you are.

I have a good friend whom I meet for lunch once a week. I very much enjoy having her as a friend. My husband and I occasionally go out with her and her husband, but lately they’ve been asking us to do something with them almost every week. We don’t want to be more than occasional couple friends. We are not very social and enjoy being at home. We are now telling little white lies to get out of doing things with them, but we don’t like being dishonest. How do we tell them that we would rather not be as social as they want to be without hurting their feelings?

S.M.

It’s tempting to keep declining the invitations with little white lies and assume that they’ll eventually get the message. I’ll admit that might be my first inclination. But as you say, this is dishonest, and lying often creates more problems than itsolves. So in the interest of truthfulness, say something to your friend, since yours is the primary relationship here. “I’m sorry it’snot working out for thefour of us to get together often,” you might say. “I love meeting you for lunch, but my husband and I are homebodies. We just don’t like to go out that much.” (Happily, the truth is not an incrimination of their company;it only points out that the problem is the frequency.) I’ve been through something similar. A dear oldfriend of mine and I tried to integrate our husbands and children, only to discover that what was most precious to us was, really, our dear old friendship. If my situation is a good predictor, you might have a brief awkward patch, but the friendship will regain its equilibrium.

My mom has a good job and disposable income. I am 28, have little disposable income (plus student loans), and live in a tiny apartment with my boyfriend. But my mother expects to sleep at my apartment whenever she visits. It makes both my boyfriend and me quite uncomfortable; we end up stressed and miss sleep. She doesn’t seem to care too much about our work schedules and cannot understand why we would feel put upon. Am I wrong to think she should book a hotel room?

C.M.

Your mother should book a hotel room. It sounds as though you’ve spoken directly with her about this, since you mention her awareness of how uncomfortable you are. So you’re going to have to be even more direct, and that will be difficulttodo withouthurting her feelings. I would frame it—because this is true—as an issue about maintaining your closeness, which matters a great deal to you. “Mom, I love you, but it’s not working to have you stay with us. It’s too cramped, we end up losing sleep, and it’s awkward. I’d rather you stayed in a hotel than risk straining our relationship.” If she is feeling lonely in her stage of life right now, this might be even harder. Offer to meet her for breakfast or walk her back to the hotel after dinner so she doesn’t feel as if she’s missing out on time with you. And try asking her about her first serious relationship, to jog her memory about young love. The thing is, even if this boyfriend is not “the one,” you are practicing putting your adult, homemade family first—ahead of your family of origin. You are setting limits, establishing priorities, and flexing the muscle of your independence. This is an inevitable part of growing up, and it isn’t easy, but it is vitally important.

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at REALSIMPLE.COM/ MODERNMANNERS. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month.

EXPERTISE

5ways to make mornings more bearable

Apps thatwakeyou up at an ideal time? Heated floors? Yawn. According to these experts, including a baker and a morningnews anchor, it’s the simple thingsthat are truly eye-opening. 1

KELLY GLAZER BARON Do something fun, first thing.

Badmornings aren’t necessarily from unrefreshing sleep; theyexistbecause wedread startingour day—dealing with ourcommute,going towork. Formany of mypatients,doing something pleasantat theoutsethelps alot. Youneed transition timebetween sleep andgetting out the door.There’sa name forit: sleep inertia. Yourbrainisliterally bootingup. Soget up earlier, havea cupof coffee—it’s a stimulant; ithelps—and watch 30minutesofyour favorite show.Listen toapodcastor paint yournails.Dosomethingyoureallylike. Anddon’thitsnooze! Itdoesn’tmakeyou feelbetter, because thosesnippetsof sleep areinterrupted. You’rebetteroffjust sleeping alittlelonger ifyouneed it.

Written by Rebecca Webber Illustration by Ben Wiseman

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GERALD MATTHES Mimic the Quakers.

They haveawonderful phrasecalled“centeringdown.”It’s about being silent and reflectingonlife.They doitwhenthey first gatherinameeting house. Itry tostart mydaywith 10to20 minutesofquiet time, where Iread somethingfromtheBible orDesmondTutu oranotherwriterI admire andpray for theneeds of family, friends, orbakery customers.Inthelast fewminutes,I think about whatchallenges I mightface thatday: personnelconflicts orbusinessrelationships I need to address. When I don’thave that morningquiet timeand Ijustgulp downthe daywith nopreparation,things alwaysseem to be discombobulated.

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ARIANE ARAMBURO Do everything the night before. I have to be atwork at 3A.M. Preparation the night before saves me. Evenwhen I’m dead tired—and I have a new baby, so I usually am— I shower, lay out my clothes and jewelry, and even put bags in the car that I know I need for work.When my alarm goes off at 2:30A.M., all I have to do is brush my teeth, put my hair in a ponytail, put on my dress and some boots, and I’m out the door. If I’m organized, I’m less stressed.

THE EXPERTS

KELLY GLAZER

BARON, PH.D., is a specialist in behavioral sleep medicine, a clinical psychologist in the sleep program, and an assistant professor of neurology at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. She lives in Chicago.

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ASHA DORNFEST Set timers.

Kids (and some adults) needtolearnhow togetthroughtheir morning routinesin a certain amount of time. Ifyourkidstake 30minutestoeattheir breakfast,everything’s thrownoff. Set alarms onyour phone, or useakitchen timer to alerteveryonewhen tomoveontothe nexttask.Forforgetful kids, stickaPost-it note nexttothetimer tellingthemwhatto dowhenthe alarm goesoff:Gobrush your teeth! For older kids, use abiganalog clock.Withmy family,Iwouldput thePost-itwherethe handswouldbe—at 7:10, anoteto brush teeth.Itreallyhelped them grasp the passage oftimeand got us outthedoor much fasterinthemorning.

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SHANNON ALGIERE Pamper yourself.

Flowerharvesting onthefarmneedsto happenveryearly, soIget up at 5A.M. ButI think ofitas a sacred timeofselfcare. FirstIwrite downany dreams I canremember in my journal. Idrink apple cidervinegarin warm watertohydrate. I drink coffeeandread orsometimes even look at family photo albums.Irinsemy face andapply Dr Haushka’sMelissa Day Cream. Melissa islemon balm,and thesmellhas avery upliftingquality.At thefarm,wealways invitevisitorsto put theirnoses intothe lemon-balm plants andtake adeep breath. Herbalistssayitcan helprelieve depressionand tension.

GERALD MATTHES

is the founder of the Give Thanks Bakery & Cafe, in Rochester, Michigan. He lives in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.

ARIANE ARAMBURO

is the morning anchor and the executive producer of The Morning Edition, at KTUU, the NBC affiliate in Anchorage. ASHA DORNFEST is the author of Parent Hacks. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

SHANNON ALGIERE

is the flower and herb manager at Stone Barns Center for Food and Agriculture, in Pocantico Hills, New York.