5QuestionstoAsk YourAdultSiblings

5 Questions toAsk Your Adult Siblings

A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE YOU BICKERED IN

THE BACK SEAT. UPDATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH

THESE CONVERSATION STARTERS.

By Sarah Robbins

1

What can I do to help us grow closer?

The beauty of having siblings is that they teach us to deal with conflict.We’ve been vying for our parents’ attentionsince we wereborn! There can be tensions or disappointments that create distance, and sometimes someone must take the first step in renewing and enriching an old bond. “What can I do to help us grow closer?” is a profound question, but it doesn’t have to carry the weight of an international summit.There are so many possible answers, from “I thinkwe’re close enough” to “You might help more with Mom” to “You should apologize for hitting mewhen Iwas a kid.” Ifyou feel resistance, then just shut up for awhile and try again later. It’s still an expression of love— an opening of a door.

JANE ISAY IS THE AUTHOR OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: A GUIDE TO NAVIGATING THE JOYS AND CHALLENGES OF BEING A GRANDPARENT TODAY . SHE LIVES IN NEW YORK CITY.

2

What’s the long-term plan for Mom and Dad?

We all go through transitions in life, and at a certain point, it becomes natural to discuss how you andyour siblings might supportyour parents as they age.The ability to help pay for that support may differ; one ofyou mightwork for a nonprofit, for example,while another is an executive.When the conversation is triggered by an event—say, Mom falls and breaks her hip—it can quickly become emotional. It’s far better to be proactive and have a discussion when everyone is still healthy. You should ask, “What dowe know about Mom and Dad’s financial circumstances, andwhat responsibilities mightwe have to bear, as a group, to support them as they age?”

JIM SANDAGER, A CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER, IS SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT AT THE WEALTH ENHANCEMENT GROUP. HE LIVES IN WEST DES MOINES, IOWA . 3

What do our family heirlooms mean toyou?

My brother and I are both in the antiques business, butwhen it comes to our own family’s estate,we think about it theway most people do:We prefer not to think about it! Dealingwith heirlooms can be a charged situation. Ifyour parents are downsizing oryou’re dividing an estate, have everything appraised before anyone walks awaywith anything. Everyone is different: One sibling’s connection to a teddy bear might beworth far more to her than a $1,000 candelabra—butwhat if that candelabra isworth $5,000? Or $50,000? Having the facts about how much something isworth can help lower the risk of bad blood later.

NICHOLASD. LOWRY IS PRESIDENT OF SWANN AUCTION GALLERIES IN NEW YORK CITY AND A REGULAR APPRAISER ON PBS’S ANTIQUES ROADSHOW. 4

How can I best includeyour partner in family meals?

As brothers and sisters grow up, their significant others become an important part of the sibling relationship. Ifyou take the time to learn about them, they can help strengthenyour bond. For me, that has meant asking my brother Eli whathis wifeStephanie’s favorite meal is and making sure I try to bring it to the tablewheneverwe’re together. Stephanie is Filipina, and her mother is an incredible cook. Chicken adobo, a classic dish from the Philippines, often figures into our family meals now;when my brother and Iwereworking on the Project Foodie app, avideo of that recipe became a big part of it.

DANIEL HOLZMAN IS CHEF AND CO-OWNER OF THE MEATBALL SHOP. HE LIVES IN NEW YORK CITY.

5

What doyouwish I knew about younow?

Intenseyet not frequently discussed, sibling relationships can be ignored for long stretches of time, but eventuallywe need to dealwith each other again. Our impressions of one another can get frozen in time:Whatwe know about our siblings—orwhat they know about us—could now be woefully outdated or just plain wrong.Wouldn’t it bewonderful to giveyour sibling the opening to say, “Here’swhat I’d likeyou to understand about me”? Don’t interrupt. It’svery loving to just sit back and absorb the answer.

KELLY CORRIGAN IS THE AUTHOR OF TELL ME MORE: STORIES ABOUT THE 12 HARDEST THINGS I’M LEARNING TO SAY . SHE LIVES OUTSIDE OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA.