FEELS LIKE TWEEN SPIRIT

Being on the receiving end of attitude from a moody tween can be tough. Here’s how to help make this emotional time less stressful for you and your child.

BY YUKI HAYASHI

ONE MOMENT your tween wants to cuddle with you on the couch and watch TV; the next, she’s giving you the hairy eyeball for asking who she’s texting. Who is this changeling that has replaced your sweet child?! Blame biology (in part, anyway).

BRAIN CHANGES

As kids reach puberty, they experience a number of physiological changes. Besides the obvious physical developments, things are brewing on a hormonal level and their brains are still maturing. Production of the sex hormones, both male (androgens) and female (estrogens), increases during adolescence, triggering changes in the brain systems, including those associated with cognitive processing and emotion, says Cecilia Flores, associate professor in the department of psychiatry at McGill University in Montreal.

“The prefrontal cortex is unique because it continues to develop until early adulthood and it undergoes dramatic changes in the organization of neural connectivity during adolescence,” says Flores. She adds that, when you combine a developing brain with fluctuating hormone levels, short- and long-term behavioural effects, such as changes in mood and emotion, are likely outcomes.

But hormones are only a piece of the puzzle. “There’s so much happening in the early adolescent years; we can’t give it an assignment like ‘This is 20 percent hormones and 80 percent cultural,’ ” says Alyson Schafer, parenting expert, author and psychotherapist in Toronto. What is certain is that the combination of hormonal shifts, neurological development, physical maturation and evolving social dynamics packs a wallop.

“Early adolescence is a stressful time,” says Schafer, who notes that many children in this life stage are still developing the skills to recognize, manage and express their emotions. The result is often a surly or teary tween (and sometimes both in the span of a few minutes).

SUNNY TO SULLEN

“I was expecting moodiness from my son, but what surprised me was the age at which it started,” says Samantha*, Toronto mom to a daughter, 17, and sons aged six and 14. At 11, her oldest son began lashing out and mouthing off at Samantha and her husband, the stepfather he’d always been close with.

The transition from a well-behaved, happy boy to a sullen teen was upsetting, she says. She even had her son visit their family doctor to ensure that depression or another issue wasn’t at play. “We knew the teen years would involve our son becoming more independent-minded and peerfocused, and that he wouldn’t want to spend as much time with us, but we didn’t expect him to be so mean. He said some really cruel things. Even today, everything I do is ‘stupid,’ and his stepdad can’t do anything right, either. He thinks we know nothing, and he argues every little point.”

NOT COOL

Samantha suspects social expectations are part of the issue. “There’s such a big break between being a ‘little boy’ and a ‘big boy,’ ” she says. “My six-year-old sees his friend and runs to give him a big hug, but my older son can’t do that with his friends because that would not be cool.”

Many children in this life stage are still developing the skills to recognize, manage and express their emotions. The result is often a surly or teary tween.

Samantha has a number of friends who are struggling with similar issues at home: sons who shrug away from hugs or are no longer interested in playing street hockey or shooting hoops with Dad. Family relationships can be strained by the rejection parents feel.

Kim Rossos, another Toronto mom of three, uses the word “grumpy” to describe her two daughters, aged 13 and 15, at this stage. “They often put in their earbuds or hide away in their rooms or the basement to avoid us, or for privacy,” she says. “I try not to take it personally.”

Schafer’s advice for parents of children who have hit adolescence? Establish some ground rules, then cut your tweens an appropriate level of slack. Remind them that bad moods are legitimate, but rudeness is not. “It’s OK to say, ‘Take time to be angry, but come back when you can be more respectful of others,’ ” says Schafer. “You don’t have to tolerate being treated disrespectfully.”

FROM TWEEN TO TEEN

These tween years are a rite of passage for kids and parents alike and good prep for your child’s next stage. “Your relationship is going to change,” says Schafer. “When your kids are young, your main job is to be a disciplinarian, but as they enter their teen years, you become ‘sage counsel.’ If the relationship is healthy, they’ll continue to take your influence.” *Name has been changed.

PHOTOGRAPHY, KEVIN WONG WHEN IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING MORE Although tween

moodiness is normal, be alert to signs of a deeper issue. If your child avoids friends, complains of stomachaches, misses school, oversleeps or battles insomnia, or neglects appearance to the point of unkemptness, he or she may be experiencing depression. If in doubt, see your family doctor. Start the conversation with the truth: “You deserve to feel better than you’ve been feeling, and I would like us to talk to a professional about it.”

How to Help Your Kid Through This Challenging Time

• Offer hugs. And try not to be offended if they’re occasionally shrugged off. • Listen without fixing. “Giving advice shuts down the conversation,” says Alyson Schafer, Toronto author and psychotherapist. Empathize instead: “Sounds like nothing went your way today!” or “Oh, no. That’s embarrassing” are good responses. “Here’s what you should do next time” isn’t. • Ask for a do-over if you

tried the wrong tack the

first time. If your kid is freezing you out because listening isn’t your forte, apologize and say you’re ready to lend an impartial ear. Don’t force a face-toface talk if your tween prefers another mode of communication; some tweens would rather text about a sticky situation. (Schafer once texted with her daughter for 20 minutes before being invited to talk in person.) • Provide options for

a cooling-off period.

It could be walking the dog to get fresh air or soaking in a warm tub to help relieve stress. • Accept that a relative

or friend may be the preferred confidante.

Have you had ‘‘the talk?’’

Guide your daughter through her puberty journey, N visit today!

Preparing for “the talk” can be a daunting task. Here are a few simple tips and products to get the conversation started and to help your daughter navigate her way through puberty with confi dence. The quickest way to get a teen to tune you out is to lecture; keep your talks natural and have them often, so the lines of communication stay open as she ages.

Dealing With Body Odour

Once she hits puberty, your sweet daughter might not smell as sweet anymore. At the age of nine, let her know that unwanted body odour aff ects everyone (even you!), and think about giving her deodorant to use as part of her morning routine. This will help her avoid any issues with unwanted odour or wetness. Choose a deodorant with lasting protection, like Secret Scent Expressions in Ooh-La-La Lavender, which also leaves a lovely, light scent, so your not-so-little girl has one less thing to worry about.

Straight Talk

Schools start puberty education in Grade 5, so make sure you prepare her in advance. Guide her through this time to reduce any awkwardness she might feel in class. Start by giving her the right pads. Certain types are designed with a teen in mind, such as Always Radiant Teen Pads. These pads provide long-lasting protection to take her from homeroom to the fi nal bell, and also have fun patterns to delight your design-savvy daughter.

Beginner Shaving Tips

Your daughter might start to feel self-conscious about the hair on her legs as early as age 10. Spend some time with her in the bathroom, showing her how to shave using vertical strokes up to her knee and how to place a washcloth on the edge of the tub underneath her foot to help her maintain her balance. Avoiding nicks and cuts is important for a teen, so use a razor like Venus Embrace, which has fi ve blades surrounded by a ribbon of moisture to ensure smooth legs with fewer nicks and cuts* - even for

shaving newbies. *(vs. Gillette Daisy)

Healthy Oral Care Habits

Since your tween is constantly whispering secrets to her BFF, clean teeth and fresh breath are becoming some of her top priorities. Whether she has braces or not, teach her that fl ossing regularly and using a power brush will help keep her mouth clean and healthy. Brushing after every meal, or at least twice a day, is very important. Make sure she brushes for at least two minutes. A power brush designed for smaller mouths, like the Oral-B Pro-Health For Me Rechargeable toothbrush, is ideal for removing gunk.

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