BEING A LESBIAN IN HIGH SCHOOL

I have always known there is something different about me. The realization first struck me in fifth grade on my way back from a field trip; my friends were making a list of the cutest guys in our grade, and I realized that I just did not get it.

In middle school, I knew I liked girls but had no clue what to do with that information. Unfortunately, I was not educated enough to know there were different sexualities besides gay and straight. Later, I found out what bisexuality was, and thought that label fit at the time, but it still did not fully feel right.

I came to the conclusion that I was lesbian when I realized that no guy could ever make me feel the way a girl could.

Once I became comfortable with my label, I started coming out to people. I was and am extremely lucky to have been raised by a mom I knew would always accept me, who gave me the space and comfort to be able to tell her about myself a bit later in my life. This support also encouraged me to gain the confidence to tell my friends. Sadly I felt that some of my closest friends would not take it very well, and I was right. My closest friend, however, did take it well. She was the first person I came out to when I was 11-years-old.

One of the biggest challenges I face with being a lesbian is questioning how close I can be with a girl friend. I look up to the typical highschool best friend duos where the girls are super close, have sleepovers, hug and cuddle all day — but it is completely platonic. Being a lesbian makes me feel like I cannot have these friendships or that people are scared to have them with me in fear of me crushing on them. The feeling of having to be extremely careful to not make a girl uncomfortable causes me to feel uncomfortable most of the time. My romantic relationship is also impacted by this, because if I am ever close with a girl in a platonic way, people automatically assume or even tell me I am doing something wrong.

On a similar note, being part of a sports team where I did not have any friends at the beginning and having to change in the locker room with everybody was one of the worst experiences I have gone through. I recall going all the way in the back and staring at the wall in fear of making anyone uncomfortable, despite how uncomfortable I was myself. As the season went on, I made friends and became more comfortable around everyone. I realized that I was overthinking things too much and barely anyone cared about me being there — in the best way possible.

Friendships with guys can also be tricky; it can either go perfectly, or be a complete failure. Half of the time a guy will love the fact that I am a lesbian, we will even have our own version of a ‘girl talk’ and will bond over similar interests. The other half of the time it feels awkward because they do not know what to do with someone who presents themselves the way I do but is not a boy, and they can make me feel like I am out of place.

People have the tendency to assume I want to be a boy simply because I do not occasionally fall into the feminine girl stereotype. It is awkward when people treat me like a guy simply because of the way I dress and express myself. I love being a girl, I love the whole traditional aesthetic behind it. I love receiving flowers, getting taken on dates, getting treated like a princess, all of it. The beauty of being a lesbian is the fact that I get to date another girl. There is nothing more beautiful than the romantic love that two girls can share.

Being in high school while being openly gay has taught me numerous lessons about life. I am thankful to attend Miami Palmetto Senior High, where there are teachers who support me and are there to listen if there are any issues at school and certain students who helped me create a safe space for myself and others with their love and kindness. I would not change a thing about what I have gone through, because overall, the good and the bad have shaped me into who I am today. I am proud to be a lesbian, and I am glad to have learned that it is okay to be different as long as you are you.

Paula Ortiz Design Editor p.ortiz.thepanther@gmail.com