5 minute read
● Self-Image: by Vie Seraph…Pg
SELF-IMAGE
Written by Vie Seraph
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Have you ever said something like this to another person? “I’ve always wanted to talk to you, but I’ve been too intimidated. You look so pretty!” Feel free to replace “pretty” with smart/funny/confident/popular/etc.
I recently said that to a trans-sister and it’s on my list of Things I Would Fix If I Could Time-Travel. Sure, maybe it’s not at the top of the list, but it’s in the top fifty. Don’t say that to people! Why not? Read on!
We all view ourselves much more harshly than others do. It’s a kind of survival technique many of us had to adapt very early on to avoid cognitive dissonance. That’s a twenty-dollar word to say “what we think or feel is not aligned with reality and it sucks”. As people not fitting neatly into the 2 gender boxes society has set up for us we have had to quiet the part of our mind that tells us “your gender feelings and expression do not line up with the reality that everyone else tells us”. Many of us had gotten VERY GOOD at quieting that part of our minds. We’ve had to train ourselves to think that we know is wrong, and what others know is the objective truth. To put it in a very modern way, we’ve had to hide our Truth. To survive many of us have had to internalize and do our very best to believe that we are wrong and maybe even bad. It is no wonder depression and terrible self-image are so common amongst Transgender people (and the wider LGBTQIA+ community)! We have not been able to think we are right and good. If we had thought positive things about ourselves, then we’d have the confidence to say “Hey! My gender is wrong!”. If we had been able to say that, we’d have the ability to inform the authorities around us “gender isn’t what you think it is. You are incorrect, let me tell you why”. If we were able to do that, society would have to reckon with ages ago! But that’s not how children work. Children need authority figures to teach them about the world. We aren’t born with perfect knowledge or ability to communicate. Any crying baby on a plane should make that clear!
So we learn WRONG. When people raised under those circumstances are told something positive they think “No, that cannot be correct. They don’t know the ME that I know. My whole life I’ve been wrong, so what does this stranger know?” We’ve all done it to ourselves.
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SELF-IMAGE
Cont. from page 5
To be given a compliment and not be able to believe it is truly one of the saddest things. On the opposite side of that, we’ve been trained that we can’t show people that internal belief system. Why? Because no one wants to hang out with a “bummer”. Society at large doesn’t want to hear about sorrow or doubt or confusion. One look at social media shows us that fake-happiness and outrage are the two most popular forms of expression.
So we’ve learned to put on our masks. To show happiness to the world that we have not felt in the past, and that perhaps we don’t feel now we need a jester’s mask. Self-love, self-acceptance, and self-knowledge are the only paths to be able to unlearn all the wrong we’ve been taught; the only way to remove the masks we’ve been forced to put on; the only way to share ourselves, our Truth.
What does all of this have to do with telling someone “OMG, you’re so clever/attractive/talented/charming/etc.! I’ve always wanted to be your friend but I’ve always been so intimidated”? Why is that bad to say, even though you only meant nice things?
IT ADDS A LAYER TO THE WORLD OF LIES AND ILLUSION.
Maybe without meaning to you are saying two very damning things. You are first asserting that you don’t know this person on anything but a surface level but you believe they are the ultimate form of whatever trait you tell them. Secondly, you are saying that you are not on their level and you are so far away you feel like you cannot reach them. Neither of these statements are true!
SELF-IMAGE
Cont. from page 6
You have now created a situation where the person you’ve complimented is placed on this figurative pedestal that they, in their mind, KNOW they can’t live up to. They are now in a situation of either feeling like they have to live a lie to you or disappoint you. You also place in their hands YOUR self-esteem. If they say to you “Yeah, you’re right, you’re beneath me, begone!”, what kind of person would that make them? Or if they say “No, you are just as good as me!”, then would you believe them? It’s a lose-lose situation for everybody!
So what CAN you do? As with most things in life, approach it openly and with truth and love.
Maybe next time you see a beautiful trans-sister whose look you want to learn from or a handsome trans-brother whose style you admire say something more grounded. More real. More your Truth. I’ve been using something like: “Hi! Nice to finally meet you! You know, I’ve seen you around for a while and I MUST say that I really like the way you do your [whatever it is]! I’m trying to go for something similar, so I love to see you rocking it!”
For me, I find that this expresses what I’m feeling without isolating the person. It speaks to FACTS about them and about yourself. It compliments them while allowing them to remain human and fallible. It also tells them that you acknowledge your progress towards your goal without making them responsible for it. It’s a win-win for everybody!
It takes a bit more work and self-examination to treat each other with the love and respect we need. To acknowledge each other as humans rather than a onedimensional creature.
