The Oyster

The Oyster FRONT LINE: Inside the war on facial hair

Letter from the Editors

A

s the Oyster magazine crew, we want to extend our thanks to you our reader for supporting our effort to bring the news directly to you. Every writer’s goal here at The Oyster is to bring current event and a smile to your face every time you open up one of our magnificent magazines. We hope that in this ongoing Zombie apocalypse, you will continue to choose The Oyster for world news, a quick joke and toilet paper.

The Oyster Spring 2012

Biographies Benjamin Taulli Ben Taulli was born in none of your business on the day the world became a better place. At the age of twelve he developed an extraordinary talent in wizardry. He was promptly invited to the West Coast Wizarding Academy . Unfortunately due to a harsh fairy dust addiction he dropped out after only 3 weeks of attending the school. After recuperating from his addiction he decided to focus on non-magic writing. However at the age of 14 he was recruited into U.S. Alfa Squad 5, where he promptly rose to the rank of Master Chief. Due to classified circumstances the program was shut down. After readjusting to civilian life he started writing of the Oyster. A year later this is where he remains.

Quinn Losefsky Originally born in Kazakhstan, Quinn L. can never become the president of the United States. Well that and the fact that she is a woman. Anyways, after living in the Middle East for 10 years, she and her parents moved from place to place around the world. Being an outgoing person, she has made lots of friends in different countries and to this day has both the penguin and the Russian Mafia at her call. After moving from Australia, she has settled here for the past 10 months where she found a job writing for The Oyster.

Zach Wall

The prodigy Zach Wall first great feat was the manifesto to the modern day caste society entitled “I Want Some Crack�. Born into middle America he quickly realized he was better and thinner than most of his peers. And today this writer practices the lifestyle of maintaining a constant flow of casual intercourse with the opposite sex and in turn achieving monetary gains.

Chris Buffum-Robins Chris Buffum-Robbins was born on Planet Ahjahfeded, a dying world. While Ahjahfeded collapsed in on itself, his father put him in a space shuttle and sent him into Earth. His Ahjahfedian brain was interpreted as autistic by his Earthling community, who had no idea what a Ahjahfedian brain looked like. He excelled at mechanics, building freeze rays and atom smashers at the Earthling age of 7 (2.374 Ahjahfedian years). He has the ability to fly, but only when he wants too. He lives in Austin with his adoptive family.

The Oyster Spring 2012

Table of 1&2

Iranians and Nuclear Weaponry

3&6

By: Zach Wall

The Year

7&8

By: Quinn L.

White House Incorperated

9&10

By: Chris Buffum-Robins

America the Great By: Ben Taulli

11&13 14&17 Russian Revolt By: Zach Wall

The Daily Hipster By: Quinn L.

Contents 18&20

Running the Numbers

21&22

By: Chris Buffum-Robins

23&24

A Supreme Look at Vermin Supreme By: Ben Taulli

Sitting with Sargent By: QuinnL.

25&26 Pronouncing them Wife and Wife By: Chris Buffum-Robins

27&30 Rolling Stones in the Heart of Texas By: Zach Wall

31&32

Carry on, Kerry Awn By: Ben Taulli The Oyster Spring 2012

Iranians and BY

Zach Wall

A

new world power has arisen, and no, it isn’t Halliburton.

Indeed it seems that at any moment Iran’s plan to create nuclear weapons could come to fruition. But what is the United States’ next move?

What is your next move? Probably to a gaming site, reading is for squares anyway. Obviously

“murder all of their nuclear physicist’s with car bombs.” we can’t just murder all of their nuclear physicists with car bombs.

Although we could get the Mossad to do it. But will that really solve the larger issues here? the answer is a resounding and obnoxious no.

It would appear there is a fundamental difference between the West and the Middle East causing these issues. I know what you are thinking, their fashion sense is different, but there is something else. For many years it was believed that the conflicts were caused by American’s inability to subdue laughter when they heard an Arabian accent. Obviously we can’t think it is logical to bomb and be create hostilities with a country that could become a world power. Basically political leaders like Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich have said that they will approach the Iranian issue with force. In no way can we condone an action like that

Page 1

because it could cost Iranian and American lives.

My first gut feeling was that we treat women so differently, as opposed to the Iranians. So I did some research online and my results were anything but conclusive. On one website, called yahoo answers, a woman posed the question, “what is a good comeback when my boyfriend say’s go make me a sandwich.”

The best answer was shown to be this “I don’t know but you better come back with a good sandwich.”

Truly troubling results in such a free country, but the fact is women do have rights here.

Stop laughing you 12 year old.

Possibly the problem lies with the world leaders of Iran. Ali Khamenei is the current supreme leader of Iran. And I think it is safe to say he began the hostilities toward the U.S. I mean after president George Bush’s initial theories that he was Osama Bin Laden, we have been nothing but courteous

Ali Khamenei the current supreme leader of Iran, believed to be doing godfather impressionation

Page 2

think you’re fat. But I digress. The methods of the past blood for oil campaigns have not appealed to the general middle eastern population.

So possibly we could try something else like we take your oil and give you another bodily fluid. Maybe a snot for oil campaign.

According to The New York Times, recent developments in this conflict show the possibility of an intelligence war between Iran and Israel.

The numerous attacks on Iranian nuclear physicists allegedly by the Mossad, have sparked retribution by the Iranians. Basically this is a Israeli versus Arab war, Israel’s missiles versus nuclear weapons, 70 virgins versus a virgin until you’re 70.

Truly a startling predicament to be entangled in. But that’s what you get for ordering cheese soup on a date. We have to reason through this issue and not blindly attempt to assert our nations party around the globe. This could be a defining moment in the history of the world, let’s make it a peaceful moment as well. Obviously there is no easy way out and reconciliation will be a long journey. Just like I told my cousin last month, “you really shouldn’t have jumped out of that moving car, but yea it was pretty cool.” Finally America has to realize that every issue cannot be resolved with military action. We have to approach this problem with caution and not with hostility even though certain American politicians think differently.

photo courtesy of luke dalder

towards him. If anything, they should be aggravated with the British who continuously imitate their hilarious accent at the UN. All issues between the two countries aside, if the Iranians developed nuclear weaponry, the good relations that resulted would benefit the whole world. And I really like that Baba Ganesh place downtown so I think avoiding conflicts at all cost is the only answer for the United States. According to Vladimir Putin “the situation is extremely tense.” So how do we strengthen our relations with Iran? I suggest edible arrangements.

Those really say it all, I like you and I don’t

photo courtesy of Umar Gul

Nuclear Weaponry

The Oyster Spring 2012

Page 3

2012, the year that ends life as we know it

By: Quinn L.

Y

es ladies and gentlemen, this is the year, the year it all ends, 2012. The Mayan Calendar and the bible have both foretold this inevitable doom that is to befall the planet we call home. We may not know how exactly this will happen, but we know it will. Experts in the field have made a few predictions on the way the earth will end. Large solar flares, the new atom smasher, God, a super volcano and the Evil Planet Nibiru are some of the major theories that have been presented so far.

The sun periodically releases large solar flares into the solar system. None of these really affect us, but lately there have been talk of solar storms. NASA has posted a warning for a Page 4

The Oyster Spring 2012

provided by: National Geographic

The Super Volcano in Yellowstone National Park

massive solar storm in 2012 or 2013. They say that this would cause all the electricity to go out around the world. “But don’t worry,” a website states. “We publish a solar storm survival guide.” If this is the cause of our destruction, just take the advice of those NASA “squints” and we will survive, probably on our vast individual supply of Twinkies (wait, you don’t have one in your basement?).

Located on the Franco-Swiss border, lies a terrible machine. Welltrained and highly-acclaimed physicists have built a contraption that is supposed to smash atoms. They claim that this machine is to simulate the beginning of the universe. I don’t buy it. Another random physicist, Walter F. Wagner, (he must be legit, I mean he lives in Hawaii and he has a background in physiology)thinks that this apparatus will destroy the world. He believes that the “atom smasher” will create a black hole and it will suck in the whole earth… sounds legit to me! We should all follow this guy. Anyways, he filed a lawsuit and blah, blah, blah so now those highly trained pros can’t shoot off their little laser thingy. So, knowing our judicial system, this will never be resolved and the “atom smasher” won’t go off and kill us all (or possibly just give us more insight on the origin of life). Thanks Mr. Waggoner!

Priests all around the Christian world have been muttering that all of these silly scientific hypotheses on how the world will end are wrong.

They claim that the high Lord himself will “push the button” that destroys life as we know it. The bible says (somewhere, I’m sure) that Jesus Christ will come back and save us from our sins. Since we all know that the people of this planet are way to sinful to be saved, it’s obvious that His coming will destroy the earth. I guess God will just start anew, maybe He will make it better this time.

Volcanoes are classified on how crazy awesome (destructive) they are, scaled 1-8. All super volcanoes are classified as 8. There is a super volcano located on Yosemite National Park, and scientists say that it is long overdue for an eruption. When this volcano erupts, it is predicted

Page 5

In 1955, Nancy Lieder, founder of website “ ZetaTalk”, put forward the idea that a planet named Nibiru will sweep through our solar system and cause a polar shift in Earth’s magnetic field. She claims that she is a “contactee”, able to communicate with extraterrestrials via a chip in her brain (I’m pretty sure she was abducted by aliens when she was a little girl) and they contacted her to try to save earth from coming doom.

Many people have embraced her ideas, I’m pretty sure most of them are hippies (aren’t we all?). Some people have even gone and dubbed this planet “the Evil Planet Nibiru”. This probably isn’t the best idea. What if the aliens come and hear us talking about their planet like that?! Then we will be most definitely screwed. Who needs natural disasters when you have a hoard of angry aliens on your hands?

There are unbelievers out in the world, those who don’t believe the world will end in 2012. But what proof do they have? Only hard scientific fact and a bunch of smart people whose minds aren’t clouded by drugs purchased from a shady man on the corner! These people are entitled to their opinions but they are wrong, so they just need to stop hating.

All in all, most of these theories are substantially backed up by priests, questionable physicists, scientists who have degrees in something (we don’t really know what), hippies and prophets. Therefore, this is a solid theory. provided by: http://www.ufobc.ca/yukon/n-canol-abd/

to decimate North America and cause ash showers, tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes around the whole earth (I didn’t know North America was important!)

Aliens have been spotted in Canada

Page 6

The Oyster Spring 2012

Whitehouse Incorporated Why We Can’t Run Government Like a Business

By Chris Buffum-Robbins

L

et’s say you run your house like a business. First you get rid of the plumbing because it doesn’t turn a profit. You stop buying food because it costs more money than it makes. You get rid of your electricity, your heating, and stop paying your mortgage simply because they’re not profitable. You have nothing left, but now you’re streamlined and cost-effective, right?

Most parts of your house cost money without making any.

Some services cost money, but are necessary for you to live; electricity for example. Some things you pay for are unnecessary, but still enjoyable. And some things you shell out cash for, like that new automated tie rack, are just downright wasteful.

The way you pay for services and products are similar to how the government finances.

They funnel cash into services, either inefficient or essential, and don’t expect any profit. Both you and your government depends on income to cover for these products and services and only expect to see a surplus, not a profit.

From the analogy above, you can pretty much guess my reaction to the new Republican talking point of “running the government like a business.” The Page 7

entire point is based on wishful thinking and flawed assumptions. A democracy like ours is so different from a business it should not even be considered as such.

The entire run-governmentlike-a-business line of logic runs something like this: our current government is frivolous with its spending and is ineffective and full of waste. Businesses are wastefree, so by running the government like a business, we will have a stream-lined, effective, and most importantly, a smaller government.

A smaller government means more freedom and a balanced budget.

Unfortunately, most of this is wishful thinking. There is no evidence that any of these things would result from “businessizing” our government.

First, the private sector is not as waste free as most people say. According Seth Masket, a political scientist at the University of Denver,

“There’s a great deal of inefficiency in the private sector, of course. How many CEOs end up hiring dim, unqualified brothersin-law or grandkids who are taking time off college? And that’s just not considered a big deal as long as it doesn’t noticeably hurt the bottom line. If a member of Congress does that, it becomes a major scandal.”

Second, a business and government have two totally different sets of goals. Dick Longworth, a senior Fellow at the Chicago Council on Global Affairs, points out that;

“The proper goal of a business is to earn a profit. If it also does some social good or produces a socially useful product, that’s great, but it’s icing on the cake.

Profit is the goal, and a business person is judged by the profits he makes, not what he produces. The goal of government, on the other hand, is to deliver a service – fight a war, stamp a passport, pave a street, end a recession, collect a tax. If the government can do this efficiently and at a minimum cost, that’s great, but again, it’s icing on the cake. Government leaders are judged by whether they deliver the services, not by whether they make a profit doing it.”

Third, making a profit out of government programs and services would play hell with our current system. The government provides education, law enforcement, healthcare, sanitation, defense, and a wide range of other services.

In order to make a profit from these services, we would need to privatize them. What’s wrong with privatization? Well for one thing it gives these new private industry a

different motive. Instead of doing things for the greater good, they’re doing it for profit, and making a profit sometimes does much more harm than good.

Also the government would lose much of its power. A weak government means that regulations will be ignored by a profit driven company. More importantly, a small government can’t do what a bigger government could do as effectively, like protect our rights.

And then there’s the issue

Page 8

with money. Our government has a guarantee to its citizens to print bills and mint coins. A business have no such guarantee.

The analogy “run the business like a government” shows a lack of understanding of both businesses and government structure. It’s also very simplistic. Both businesses and governments are complex bodies; you can’t fix one with a flick of a switch. The problems you have with one form of government won’t just go away if

you just change it. There are always problems that have to be dealt with. Changing the way things are whenever things don’t work out the way you want is hectic, and quite frankly, naïve.

Yes, the government can sometimes do irresponsible things, but there are more ways to prevent government irresponsibility and inefficiency than forcing it to run like a business.

The Oyster

America The Great

by Ben Taulli

T

his country is being overrun

by

illegal

immigrants.

The

Federation for American Immigration Reform estimates that in 2010 there were 12million illegal immigrants in the United States. That’s 12 million jobs that United State citizens could have

sure the Obama administration more

My forfathers did not sail from Europe just to see this great land be over run by illegal immigrants

than doubled the number of security agents on our border. But does he really think that’s going to be enough? What we need are attack bears. But no, that’s just too “unrealistic.” Obama don’t you get it? Nothing you can do will make us happy. Because we all know that

occupied. I, for one, am tired of illegal

you yourself are an illegal immigrant.

immigrants taking over our labor

It’s basically household knowledge that

forces. Soon enough true Americans

immigration and most of the Hispanic you were born in Kenya. Born into a

won’t even be able to get a job. This

farm workers left, the true American clan of Devilworshiping nomads that

great land of liberty will be overrun by

workers were so happy they took off somehow made it over to the United

ignorant invaders. The United States of

for vacation. I’m sure that this has States where you became president. The

America won’t even be recognizable.

nothing to do with the fact that those answer to all these problems is obvious.

So what kinds of jobs are these immigrants taking? How many taxes do they pay? These are questions that we have to ask ourselves as true

Americans.

usillegalaliens.com,

According most

of

to our

agriculture and infrastructure jobs are being heartlessly taken. We have to remember that these people probably don’t pay any taxes, come from cultures totally different than ours and take our jobs.

According to CNN, after Alabama created stricter laws against illegal

Page 9

same farms went out of business the It’s a simple solution that our “president” following month. I commend Alabama has failed to see. All we need to do is Gov. Robert Bentley for his courageous switch places with Canada. Think about campaign against illegal immigration. it, more space, no Mexico, and we could In his words “Those who do not accept get that view of Russia that we’ve always Jesus Christ as their savior are not wanted. my brother, and not my sister.” We all know that roughly 99% of Hispanics in Mexico are devoutly catholic, that’s just because all the Devil worshipers are sent over to America.

America, we are facing tough times. But with enough courage, the right leaders, and good ideas I know we can get through this. But we need your help. So call your congressmen, vote, throw eggs

As the American voice screams, “help at the white house, get angry, organize, us” to its leader, It is met time and time move to Canada, get super angry. Until again with one solemn answer: “No.” Oh our “leader” recognizes the crisis that

we’re in, sit tight, keep your dog inside,

A world where Mexico is a growing threat

and mosWt of all keep working to make sure our borders are safe.

Page 9

The Oyster Spring 2012

The Daily Hipster SUBTITLES ARE TOO MAINSTREAM

By: Quinn L.

A

Bit of intro text lol. This photo essay will, I hope,

be showing a bunch of different hipsters that run rampant throughout LASA High School. As a general rule, the

people of LASA are pretty hipster in style, if not personality. This photo essay is constructed to provide you, the audience, an inside perspective on the hipsters of LASA, a.k.a the future hipsters of Austin. These are just some of the many hipsters that frequent the school. Unfortunately, on the day that i was snappin ghtese photographs, many of these afformentioned hipsters were in hiding, so many hipster faces are missing from this article.

Page 10

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Jacob

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Gabby

The Oyster Spring 2012

Page 11

Monk Thomas

Pascal Legate

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Drawing Dinos is one of the many things Hipsters find enjoyable becuase cats are too mainstream

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Garrik Nichols

Audrey

Sabrina

Page 12

photo contributed by: Hipstercrite

photo by: Quinn Losefsky Evan Williams

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Sophie Galewsky

photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Cecily Foote photo by: Quinn Losefsky

Chillin’ at a house

Ross Murdock: Mostly because of his hair Page 13

Abby Kappleman The Oyster Spring 2012

Russian

By Zach Wall

Page 14

Revolt

Page 15

The Oyster Spring 2012

T

his photo contains a protestors in downtown Moscow.

They took to the streets after the December 10, 2011 presidential elections where Vladimir Putin won in a landslide vote. But many like these protesters call into question the validity of the voting numbers.

The protestros sign reads “I did not vote for these bastards” above the United Russia logo. “I voted for these bastards” above the Yabloko, Spravedlivaya Rossiya, CPRF logo.

This photo was taken the same day as the election results were released.

Photograph courtesy feel sunny at en.wikepedia A popular practice at the December 10, 2011 protest was wearing tape over the mouth. Then writing НЕТ гоЛоса which means no voice in Russian. Millions in the gathering participated in this practice. In order to symbolize the loss of democracy and freedom under Putin’s regime. Furthermore this protest was pressuring the Russian government to hold a second election.

photo courtesy of Dmitry Lovetsky The protesters in this photo held signs to call attention to Putin’s oppressive actions towards the voters.

Moreover using signs to call into question the fact that 146% of votes went to Putin. This would appear to be a ridiculous number of votes for a single candidate. This number raised the first suspicions that the election was not a fair one.

photo courtesy of Martina Bozadzhieva Page 16

The Oyster Spring 2012

This photo is also from inner Moscow. Showing the protestors crossing the bridge to the old portion of the city. On the bridge the banner reads “ Crooks and Thieves, not the right choice”. These words reflecting the recent election and choice of Vladimir Putin. After the alleged corruption claims against him.

photo courtesy of Martina Bozadzhieva In this photo protestors are supporting a sign in a rally near St. Petersburg. The poster the hold has pictures of Vladimir Putin and Momar Khadafy. These world leader are positioned on this poster to show the tyrannical method Putin has used to govern Russia. Because of Khadafy’s reputation for despotism and murder of citizens in Libya.

photo courtesy of Kevin Keiselbach This photo is also from inner Moscow. Showing the protestors crossing the bridge to the old portion of the city. On the bridge the banner reads “ Crooks and Thieves, not the right choice”. These words reflecting the recent election and choice of Vladimir Putin.

After the alleged corruption claims against him.

photo courtesy of rusplatform.org

Page 17

The Oyster Spring 2012

Running the Number$

A Quick Look at the Republican Primary Voting, finances, and more!

Chris Buffum-Robbins

Page 18

Of the 11 comfirmed canditates...

Only 3 remain.

If each state was a voter...

18 would vote for Romney, 11 for Santorum, and 2 for Gingrich.

100

100

100

100

100

100

100

10

10

10

10

1

1

1

1

Page 19

100

100

100

10

10

10

10

10

10

10

1

1

1

1

1

100

Romney has won 844 delegates...

100

1

Gingrich, Santorum, and Paul have only won 476 combined.

The Oyster Spring 2012

Over $71 million have been raised for the four big canditates throught Super PACs. 7.6 million spent on Santorum

4.5 million spent on Paul

17 million spent on Gingrich

42.4 million spent on Romney

Romney has raised $86.6 million for his campaign...

Paul has raised $36.7 million...

Gingrich has raised $22.3 million...

and Santorum has raised $20.5 million.

Page 20

Page 21

The Oyster Spring 2012

A Supreme Look at Vermin Supreme text and photo illustration by Ben Taulli

A watchful master

A leader and Hero

A protector

A politiacian

Page 22

stock immage http://funstoo.blogspot.com

Vermin Supreme’s zombie protection platform makes him stand out as a strong, prepared, and unique candidate. He promises that if a zombie attack occurs, the government will be prepared and ready to deal with the imminent threat. “No other candidate has made preparations for the zombie attack,” he brags. He later told the public that he has plans to harness the power of zombies by making them run on treadmills. Just one way to lower our dependence on foreign oil.

Page 23

stock immage

One of Vermin’s most popular issues is his mandated pony rule. Under this rule everyone would have to have a pony on them at all time. It goes hand in hand with the pony identification program. He also promises to turn all the pony poop into methane gas.

mrscribbler.blogspot.com

One of Vermin’s Campaigning strong points is his stance on Oral Hygiene. “This country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay in spirit and incisor.” He talks about biogenetically engineering small monkeys with wings to act as tooth faries. He said in a press conference that he would issue slightly addictive and government mandated tooth paste. His opponents criticize him for the promised creation of the tooth police who break into your house every night to see if you performed proper oral hygiene.

Mr. Vermin uses his trademark boot hat as a way to set himself apart from other candidates. Anyone with such elaborate ideas deserves head wear just as sophisticated. It somehow gives him a composed and gracious look. It makes him seem less homeless, politically enlightened, and really ties the whole suit together.

The Oyster Spring 2012

Page 24

Sitting with Sargent A closer look at political cartoonmuch of a problem. ist Ben Sargent

“Cartoons in particular By: Quinn L.

“W

hen a boy gets printer’s ink on his shirt, it usually takes two or three generations to wash it out,” Joseph Sargent, father of Ben Sargent, used to tell his son. And so it does.

Ben Sargent, political cartoonist, was born into a journalism family.

Both of his parents worked for the newspaper in Amarillo, Texas and he learned the trade by age twelve from working in the shop with his parents. He is a journalist turned political cartoonist, but he was always in the publication business.

His path to this career is an interesting story.

“I sort of fell into [drawing political cartoons]. I was working as a reporter at the [Austin] American-Statesman and began doing illustrations for my and other reporters’ stories,” said Sargent.

“That pretty quickly became my one job, which then lasted for the next 35 years.” Even as a young boy he liked drawing, so moving into expression through cartoons wasn’t Page 25

have an especially strong ability to concentrate the viewer on a particular point,” Sargent said. “Written language, on the other hand, appeals to the reader’s conscious mind, persuades through reason and evidence, and so functions on an entirely different mental plane.”

He feels that he can get one point of view across to the reader much easier with cartoons than with writing.

“All journalists have a responsibility in their work to be fair, accurate and complete,” Sargent explained. “But opinion journalists--cartoonists, editorial writers, columnists--are relieved of that one requirement so they can advocate for one point of view over another.” He believes that this is the major difference between journalistic writers and political cartoonists, and how they have to get their story across to the audience.

According to Sargent, there are two different types of political cartoonists. “There is a great divide in American cartooning between cartoonists who see their work as serious political commentary and

those who see it as just making funny comments about the day’s events,” remarked Sargent, who says that he falls on the serious political commentary side of the spectrum.

His process for finding the topic of his next cartoon is comparable to Herb Block, legendary cartoonist for the Washington Post. “[Block would] read the news until he saw something that made him say ‘They can’t do that!’ and he knew he had a cartoon idea,” said Sargent. “I guess my process is similar.” He has a few role models that have affected his cartooning. “Herb Block, Bill Mauldin, Jeff MacNelly, Gary Trudeau and Pat Oliphant.

“All of those gentlemen are legendary cartoonists because of their drawing skill, ability to distill an idea into a hard-hitting cartoon, and the courage and consistency of their ideas, and I look up to them for that.”

Some of these influences may have inspired him to enter in, and win, the 1982 Pulitzer Prize.

“I am very proud to have won [the Pulitzer Prize],” Sargent said. “And as an old UPI (United Press International) reporter friend told me at the time, ‘It mainly means that for the rest of your life, you’ll know the first five words of your obituary.’”

The Oyster Spring 2012

Pronouncing Them Wife and Wife Could this Presidential election determine the outcome of gay marriage?

T

urn on Fox and it’s called “gay marriage.” Read the Huffington Post and it’s called marriage equality. The issue of “gay marriage” or “marriage equality” can be seen right away in the language its supporters use.

People who believe that homosexuals should not be allowed to marry would use the first term, while their opponents would use the second.

Alongside of whether the marriage laws should be changed, there is the question as to what impact the presidential election will have on the issue.

Some believe this election could be the make or break moment

Page 30

activists have been hoping for.

Ronnie Risinger, a LASA teacher and an aspiring candidate for the Republican Party, believes that the winner holds the power to reshape the institution. According to him, Obama’s reelection would be stupendous for gay marriage.

“The reason it would be good is because, legally, he could decide as President to extend benefits to same-sex marriage couples. He could continue to not enforce the Defense of Marriage Act,” explained Risinger. “But, more importantly, he would be in the position to appoint any new Supreme Court justices who would serve for life. So if, in the next four years, a

conservative justice dies, Obama would be able to appoint another liberal. And then, of course, you would end up with a very strong court supporting gay marriage, if it ever went to the court.”

The opposite goes if Romney wins office.

“Certainly states’ rights would be put on the top, and the Defense of Marriage Act would be enforced, which means it would go to the Supreme Court,” Risinger continued. “And if the Supreme Court is still pretty conservative, it could be a disaster for proponents of gay marriage.”

On the other end of the spectrum, many believe that the election

won’t matter mainly because gay marriage would never be legalized.

Andy Hogue, Communications Director for the Travis County Republican Party, believes that gay marriage is too unpopular with voters to be considered.

“In May 2005, the Texas Legislature amended the Texas Constitution to define marriage as ‘the union of one man and on woman,’” Hogue said. “And in a November referendum election to approve that change, roughly 76 percent voted for that definition. That’s a lot.”

Other people also think the presidential election will have little impact, but that is because they believe that the president is not the right vessel of power to approve gay marriage. Daniel Armendariz of Equality Texas says that regardless of who is elected, the issue will eventually come down to the courts.

“There’s absolutely no certainty,”

Page 31

Armendariz said. “The reality is that, no matter who gets elected, the issue of whether or not people who happen to be gay are allowed to participate in the institution of marriage, that issue legally will ultimately be decided in the courts.”

But whether or not the courts or the president legalizes gay marriage, Armendariz believes that acceptance of the issue is inevitable.

“In 25 years, I fully expect the vast majority of Americans to be relatively accepting of marriage equality,” he said. I do.”

Rolling Stones In the Heart of Texas

By Zach Wall

Page 28

Page Page 29 27

The Oyster Spring 2012

M

ost people drive through downtown Austin past city hall and glance at the homeless without another thought. They pretend they just don’t see the bearded man in a sleeping bag on the steps. They may give them a dollar every once and a while but not a second thought to where they will sleep tonight.

They dismiss the homeless as hopeless, slackers, and generally unsanitary. John Martyn thinks a bit differently when he sees a homeless man on the street.

There is a good chance that Mr. Martyn knows them because they have made their way through his courtroom. The homeless he meets with are alcoholics and have mental issues they can’t control. But, he can’t just dismiss these people as drunken miscreants, his job is to care.

John Martyn’s job is to work with the homeless of Austin in order

to redirect them to different care facilities after they are arrested.

“Austin has an environment where it is fairly easy to find a place to sleep without traveling too far from an urban area where they might panhandle or find a soup kitchen, “ Martyn explained as he twirled his pen at his desk.

Right now Martyn is working in the C misdemeanor court in downtown Austin. The court operates like no other in order to aid the homeless.

“The whole court idea was not to just arrest the people and release them, but to get them help and a caretaker before they left in order to ensure they didn’t show back up in the court the next night,” Martyn said.

The court Martyn works in was implemented in order to redirect many of the homeless people coming through into different care facilities.

“There were already facilities like Caritas and other places interested

in changes downtown. They wanted the visitors of Austin to have a better experience and thought the homeless people were not conducive with that idea,” Martyn commented. Adding “Rosemary Lehmberg was actually the assistant district attorney and Kurk Watson was the mayor. And they got a task force together to basically fight this problem. Although there were also a lot of business owners who gave it the extra push.”

Many people have a misconstrued idea that homelessness and crime go hand in hand. In the course of Martyn’s work he sees a lot of people from different backgrounds in his court because they are unlucky, not bad people. “a lot of the people we see are alcoholics and because of that they are constantly being brought in for public intoxication which is a c misdemeanor. But there is also a high concentration of homeless people downtown because that is just the best area to find alcohol and drugs as well as make Photo by Richard Sharpton

Homeless in public park in San Fransisco Page 30

photo by WSusan Hutchison

a quick buck.” Martyn observed.

Martyn affirmed there are obvious benefits to lowering the homeless population downtown.

“I think that with less homeless the city is just a cleaner and more homey place. But also the tourist industry downtown would be more alluring if there were less homeless. And any residential areas downtown would be a generally easier place to live in because well, some of the homeless I encountered were not exactly pleasant.” Martyn said.

One of the biggest problem Martyn faces in his court is the compliance from the detained. “some are very glad and want help.” Martyn said. “Others don’t want you to be bothered in any way shape or form. Some are mentally retarded and some are drug addicts and they hate all other homeless people because they think they are drunks or thugs.”

Martyn works in an environment where it is easy to feel like you are running in place. Constantly the Page 31

same homeless people will show up night after night accepting help but all the while falling back into old habits. Martyn says he does what he can, but sometimes it is just out of his hands. “it really depends on how much the

guys want to get better and off the streets,” he commented.

Photo by David Shankbone

photo of homeless beggar in Prague

Homeless in front of Bowery Place Georgia

The Oyster Spring 2012

Carry on, Kerry Awn

By: Ben Taulli

Page 32

K

erry Awn sits across from me at a small bar near Sixth Street. At first glance you wouldn’t be able to tell that he’s the lead singer of a band, a standup comedian, and a poster artist. In fact, Kerry Awn won the title of “Funniest Person in Texas,” had his own cable axis TV show for ten years, and some of his poster art sells for $250. Kerry Awn is one of Austin’s unique comedy jewel.

His love for art started at a young age. “Well I kinda always liked to draw. Like every kid draws when they’re kids, you know and then they stop. But I just kept doin’ it.” In seventh grade he took up art lessons at the Museum of Fine Arts. “I just took a million damn art lessons.”

He says it was just one way to fit in. “[It] was just one way for me to be popular you know draw cartoons for people and stuff… and i ended up realizing that yeah, I had a talent and I really liked it, so I kept doing it all the way through school.”

Later on he developed a talent for acting. He recalls doing an act in the seventh grade talent show. “ So I was already kind of doing that stuff you know all my life. It just kind of felt natural. Kerry Awn knew growing up that he wanted to go into show business, but he didn’t yet know that comedy was an option.

“It never even crossed my mind I wanted to do it, I thought it was interesting but there wasn’t really any place to go do it.” Comedy wasn’t yet popular like it is today, “It was like something you might see on TV like Johnny Carson or in New York.” Because doing standup com-

Page 33

edy wasn’t really a choice he turned his love for humor somewhere else. “That’s how I got involved in the band you know because that was always happening there was always little spots where the band could play. So we did our comedy with the band.” “The band” or the “Uranium Savages” started from 3 dying bands: Sons of Coyote, the Uranium Clods and the Gypsy Savages. For the first eighteen shows they called themselves “The Sons of Uranium Savages” until in 1975, when they lost a member

and shortened it to what it is now.

The band had its first big success in 1975 when they won “The battle of the Bands.” For winning they got to open at the New Year’s festival at the Ritz. The Uranium Savages were a hit, and Kerry Awn made posters for all their tours and performances.

In 1984 a place opened up called comedy workshop. He started there and used it to spring board into his stand up carrier. He went on to win the funniest person in Austin in 1986, and then in 1988 he won the funniest person in Texas. “And that helped a lot. Suddenly I’m working all over the country playing at big clubs everywhere.” People started to ask him when he was going to move to LA. “They said I couldn’t stay in Texas and make it big.” But Kerry didn’t want to move to Los Angeles.

He said he was going to stay here and try.

Esther’s Follies, an emerging comedy club, saw him performing and asked him if he wanted to perform there. “Promotion is half of it really, running around and doing PR work,” he said. Plus he had a family and going out on the road “Just didn’t work anymore….That’s finally what burned me out. Working at Esther’s I could sleep at my own bed, stay here and do comedy.” He had what many comedians would kill for, a steady job. “I kind of just did it week by week for a long time and I ended up being there thirty years. How that ever happened I don’t know,” he says chuckling.

Kerry Awn is now retired from Esther’s and is living out in Spicewood Texas with his family. He is still making posters, and he still comes down to Austin every weekend or so and performs with his band. He says that really “you should just do whatever brings you joy, no matter how weird it might be, and if you really like to do it then do it, and it usually kind of works out.”

The Oyster Spring 2012