Getting to know your roommate

Who is this person unpacking their stuff in

my room?

Tips on getting to know your roommate 2016

For your roommate’s information Part of getting acquainted with your roommate is sharing information about each other. If you’re shy or just not sure where to start—here’s a list of some of the basics, plus a little extra.

The data My name is: My home town is: My academic program is: My birthday/sign is: My family includes:

Emotional style The way I act when I’m happy is: When I’m down I tend to: I usually let others know I’m angry by: The times I prefer to be alone are:

Individual preferences I go to bed on weekdays at: I go to bed on weekends at: I’m an early/late riser: I sleep best under these conditions: My feelings about loaning things are: Personal stuff What I’ll miss most being away from home is: What I’ll miss least is: Things I like to do in my spare time are: The kind of music I like is: My stereo volume is usually:

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Getting Acquainted Dos and Don’ts Do:  

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Don’t:

Give the relationship time to develop Take the time to ask questions when you are curious Give yourself a chance to develop a fair sense of your roommate’s strengths and weaknesses Take time and space for yourself.

Spending every waking moment together can test a relationship Allow yourself to be you Clarify what you are expecting from this new roommate relationship—are you just living together? Or, are you looking for a replacement for your high school buddies?

Branch out and discover potential relationships with other dorm members and classmates Communicate your expectations Take the risk and really get to know your roommate.

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Expect too much too soon Always expect answers Let first impressions be your only insight into your roommate Be afraid to admit that a new living situation can be uncomfortable at times Be afraid to allow yourself time to discover who you really are Expect your roommate will have the same needs as you do Expect your roommate to fulfill all of your social needs Tune out your roommate’s thoughts/ needs/concerns Assume that your roommate finds this whole process easy

I prefer...

One of the areas often overlooked by roommates are simple day-to-day issues.

The following list of questions will help you get started talking about the little things that can become major things.

This list isn’t comprehensive. You may have other legitimate concerns—bring those up and discuss them. For now, take a few minutes to first answer these questions by yourself and then work through the questions with your roommate.

Try to resolve any major differences as they arise.

Good luck!

Use the following scale to indicate your preference in the following situations. 1— strongly agree 2—agree 3—not sure 4—disagree 5—strongly disagree I would like to be able to study in my room without undue interference.

1 2 3 4 5 I would like to be able to sleep in my room without undue interference.

1 2 3 4 5 I expect that my roommate would ask before borrowing any of my personal belongings.

1 2 3 4 5 I expect the room to be clean and neat.

1 2 3 4 5 I don’t mind our room being a gathering place.

1 2 3 4 5 I don’t mind music when I study. (Discuss levels).

1 2 3 4 5 I would like to know beforehand if my roommate plans on entertaining guests of the opposite gender.

1 2 3 4 5 I expect that my roommate will confront me about any problems, and that I will do the same.

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Avoid conflict—Discuss now There will always be a variety of roommate conflicts, but there are common themes to the issues between roommates.

It’s important for you to discuss the issues outlined below. You may have others. Discussion isn’t a contract, but it is a basis for maintaining a comfortable living environment.

Hey! I’m trying to get some sleep!

When do you typically go to bed and wake up? How about having a light on while the other roommate is asleep? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ Isn't that my jacket?

What about sharing and borrowing personal items such as clothes, CDs, skis? Are items such as stereo, TV or Nintendo off limits or for mutual use? Is permission required for all items or just certain ones?______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ Meet "our" new roommate How do you feel about an overnight guest? How often may guests come and how long may guests stay? Where do guests sleep? Is there a difference between guests and boyfriends/ girlfriends staying the night? How often may they stay? (Rez rules: See your handbook. In brief—all guests require roommate permission. Overnight guests maximum two consecutive nights and total of six nights per month) ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ You are so messy!

What are your standards of cleanliness? How clean should the place be kept? Who will empty the garbage and take out recycling? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ (cont’d next page)

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Quiet, I'm studying What's your definition of noise? What's loud and what isn't? What kind of music do you like to listen to? At what times should noise be minimized so others may study or sleep? Is absolute quiet needed in order to study? How important are grades? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ Partying & Drinking How do you feel about drinking/partying in your room? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ You didn't tell me that Publisher's Clearing House called!

What about telephone and general messages? Where should they be kept? How do you respond to a roommate's calls? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ I’ll go to class in my PJs Who is the morning person ie who gets the shower first? How long is my shower? Discuss morning schedules and bathroom sharing with your roommate and canmates. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ I bought the TP, you buy the Windex Common household items such as toilet paper and cleaning products can be shared among roommate and/or can mates. (P.S. Vermilion’s hard water makes it very important to clean the bathroom weekly). ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________

While a contract isn’t usually necessary, that is one way to resolve conflict. Use the questions above to make your own contract. Add a line such as: I have read, discussed, and agreed to abide by the standards set here and that have been discussed, and will strive to practice respect for my roommate. Then sign and date your document. Voila—you have a roommate contract.

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If things go wrong Roommate conflict, while not inevitable, does happen. Most often the situation is something you can fix in a simple discussion.

Whether the issue is small or large, there are recommended ways to bring up an issue with your roommate. Here are some tips. Always talk one-to-one. Don’t rush your encounter. Be simple and direct. Confront behaviors, not values

or the person. Use I statements and not you statements. Example: I don’t like it when you... Know the facts about the behavior you’re confronting, then specify which behaviors are causing the problem such as damage, rowdiness, sloppiness or taking food without asking. Ask the other person how they view their behavior

Show concern for the individual Confront the behavior in a positive

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constructive manner Focus on the person’s strengths rather than weaknesses Show your feelings Stick to the issues Choose a time and place and pre-plan what you’re going to say. Don’t confront your roommate when the person is on their way out the door or is in a hurry.

Most roommate conflicts can be resolved. Open communication is the best tool. The onus is on you to try talking with your roommate first.

If you need help, talk to the RA in your dorm. You can also come to the Rez office.

On rare occasions roommates have contracts with each other. This booklet gives you one guide. Residence life staff can also help facilitate a contract.

Sometimes people simply can not live together and someone moves.

Please keep in mind moving is a last resort.

There are no moves during the first two weeks of school and a $50 room move charge will apply if someone changes their room.

Moves are only an option if there is room availability elsewhere in residence.

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Welcome to your room Hopefully, the person who is unpacking their stuff in your room is your new roommate.

But who is this person beyond that? You probably will both have a lot of questions about each other: Who snores? Is a night owl? Collects dead bugs? Has a boyfriend or girlfriend? Freaks out over socks on the floor? Is always gone/here on the weekend?

If you have trouble talking to a stranger—this brochure can help you get started on the road to a great living arrangement, and maybe even a great friendship P.S. Your canmate((s) are other people you’ll need to get to know, especially when you’re sharing a bathroom. At the very least, you’ll need to discuss the morning shower schedule, a cleaning schedule and buying bathroom and cleaning products.

Send a clear message respectively and assertively A three-part strategy that works like this: 1. Describes the problem behavior in specific terms—I need I need to talk to you about cleaning the bathroom...

I need to talk to you about your music ...

2. Explains how the behavior makes you feel—I feel I feel disgusted when I look in the dirty mirror...

I feel frustrated when you don’t turn down your music...

3. States what you want to have happen next—I need/I want I need to clean the bathroom this week.

I want you to turn down the music because I need to sleep

Tips

This

is a learned behavior/skill. It’s transferable to all sorts of behavior from puppies to children. Stand tall with a strong inner core when you speak up in this way Be clear, consistent, crisp and not abusive