Humour

A LITTLE HUMOUR

Henry and Martha had been married for many years and were now in their late 70s. Lately, Henry had become a little worried about Martha. He had noticed that she seemed to be losing her hearing, so he decided to conduct a little test to see just how bad her hearing really was.

He stood about fifteen feet behind her in the kitchen and in his normal voice he asked her “Martha dear, what are we having for dinner?”

There was no response.

He moved a few feet closer and again he asked, “Martha dear, what are we having for dinner?”

Again, there was no response.

This time, he moved in closer so that he was about a foot behind her. In his normal speaking voice, he again asked, “Martha dear, what are we having for dinner?”

Martha turned around to face him and with an exasperated look on her face, she said, “Henry! Have you gone deaf or something? For the third time now, we’re having roast beef!”

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton, phoned room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!” yelled the Quebecer.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. But first, he had to take the eyesight test. The optician showed him a card and on it were the letters:

CZWIXNOSTACZ

“Can you read this?” The optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied. “Heck, I play golf with the guy!”

The teacher asked her grade six class to make a list with the names of six great Canadians on it. Ten minutes later, she noticed that everyone but Johnny had stopped writing.

She asked him, “What’s the matter, Johnny? Can’t you think of six great Canadians?”

“I have five,” Johnny said. “But I still need a goalie.”

A man in Russia has finally saved up enough money too buy a car and goes to his local dealer to put one on order. He is told that there is a ten-hear wait to get a new car and his name will be put on a list.

He agrees and pays for the car. Then he is told that the car will be delivered exactly ten years from that day.

He asks the car dealer, “Okay, comrade. Will it be delivered morning or afternoon?”

The car dealer asks him, “What difference does it make whether it’s afternoon or morning? It’s ten years from now!”

The guy tells him, “Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.”

Vegetarian is an old Indian word for “doesn’t hunt well.”

Recovering from knee surgery and the extraction of impacted wisdom teeth, I was lying on the couch with an ice bag on my leg and hot-water bottles against both cheeks.

From the kitchen, I heard my mother cry out in pain. Through a mouth stuffed with gauze, I asked her what had happened.

“You know,” she replied, “there’s nothing worse than a paper cut.”

A race horse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

The drive-up window at the bank where I’m a teller has an outside drawer to accept customer transactions. A woman once drove up with her dog in the front passenger seat, and the pet eagerly jumped over onto the driver’s lap when the car reached my window. He looked excited to see me.

“Your dog is so friendly!” I said to the owner.

“He thinks he’s at McDonald’s” she replied.