Addicts in Early Recovery Treatment Should Stay Away from Romantic Relationships

By Bridget Bauer

Being in a romantic relationship is hard in normal circumstances. That is why starting a relationship in the early stages of recovery of substance abuse disorder is not recommended.

Too many variables come into play when starting a relationship in the early stages of recovery. While dating can seem appealing, it can also detour addicts from their main goal of creating a new, sober life and trying to stay that way.

“One of the reasons we have a policy of no dating or cell phones for the first six to seven months is relationships definitely get in the way,” Teddy Steen, executive director of ASCENT Recovery Residences, said. “The guys can’t talk to women or have phones. They must work on themselves first. At this point, they really have nothing healthy to bring to a relationship and do not have the tools. It’s the hardest things to keep from doing, and one of the most detrimental to early recovery.”

In an article last February from www. hanleycenter.org/the-pitfalls-of-dating-inearly-recovery/, five reasons were listed to hold off on dating in early recovery.

1. Dating distracts from the main goal of discovering and defining your sober self – at the beginning of the recovery process, the goal is to find a new way to live and discover the tools and skills for a new life. A relationship can take time and energy from this.

2. Dating can contribute to a risk of relapse in early sobriety – the stressors that come with any relationships can cause a person in recovery to relapse.

3. Dating can be a way to repurpose addictive behaviors by becoming consumed with the new person instead of a drug.

4. The rejection can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness.

5. Dating someone who knew you before recovery may give you a pass on the behaviors that lead to self-destruction and risk your well-being.

“That last statement is so true,” Steen said. “They pick the same person they just left. Two sick people do not create two well people.” Another scenario is once a person has been through recovery, the choice of a romantic partner may be someone totally different than the choice they make in early recovery. Because people tend to pick people who are on the same maturity level as them, an addict in early recovery would probably pick someone like them, which can lead to abusive, codependent relationships. If those in treatment let the process run its course, the qualities for a romantic partner usually change.

“I’ve watched, been through and looked at the quality of women our guys chose after being in recovery for a while,” Steen said. “They have some qualities that are non-negotiable and don’t settle as much.”

The best thing people can do in the first year of recovery is continue working the 12-step program and meet with their sponsors. The ultimate goal is to figure out how sobriety looks and works and figure out the tools to maintain sobriety. Patience during the first year is crucial, and once the first year passes, make a long-term plan of what relationships will look like in the future.