Textbook for Falling in Love

Falling in love a textbook Irena Tiodorović

Falling iantexlotbovoek ić y Neda Dok illustrated b

Hi! There go the summer holidays, as if they never happened! There also goes the first day of the new school year - just as dull as ever… Eberybody yammering, full of stories, blah blah blah, all happy and conceited because they're now in the seventh grade… Not me, though! Everything;'s just as tedious as can be! I nod my head, I smile,I take part in recounting events from the holidays,but it doesn't help - I'm bored out of my mind!

Come to think of it, even this diary is a bit of bore, and I think I might quit it. I'm no longer some ninny who writes down every single little bit of foolishness that happens in school, at home and outdoors (nothing really important ever happens, anyway Helen's not speaking to Maya, Steven got a bloody nose during recess, our TV's on the blink...) When I leaf through the pages I see that what was so important a year or two ago is actually just a joke...

Given that I will certainly be a psychologist when I grow up (that decision was taken way back in the third grade, when the teacher told me that I should see a psychologist because I laugh in class all the time), I have decided to initiate scientific research.

I could, for example, investigate, discover and study all important facts in connection with infatuation,and then begin writing a serious textbook about falling in love.What a good idea! In the absence of such a textbook and relevant knowledge, my friends keep falling in and out of love without order, reason or rule - more or less by accident!

A textbook about falling in love - now that could be a hit! Certainly an essential item in every school-bag!

Hmmm, it isn't so easy… I'll have to work out all the different ways of collecting the data I need for a scientific analysis (interviews and polls, literature, case studies, experiments...) And then - how to draw accurate conclusions from all that? Well, I guess that problem will be solved as we go along, more or less by itself...

Good bye, diary! Onward into science! Lesson One is waiting for me to write it ASAP! Irene, the writer

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Research question: WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME? Method: INTERVIEW Technical aid: DAD'S CASSETTE RECORDER ANSWERS: * The following unedited recordings have been taken down word for word, for later processing for the purpose of writing the appropriate lesson.

Recording No. 1

(subject: Helen, age: 13)

Me: In your opinion, Helen, when is the right time to fall in love with someone?

Helen: The first time for me was in the first grade, and the second ... also in the first grade ...The third, fourth and fifth in the second grade ... Come to think of it, I'm in love all the time! Not like you - you never like anyone at all...

Me: Forget me for a moment, I'm asking you about yourself...

Helen: I'm in love right now, and of course, he's in love with me, too.The right time is ‌ NOW! Now ... at once! Everybody should be in love all the time! When will you stop asking those silly questions and fall in love like everybody els ....

k!

Clic

Recording No. 2

(subject: handsome John from Seven-A, the lover-boy of the seventh grade) Me: What do you, as an accomplished expert, think is the right time to fall in love?

John: As soon as you look at me! Any more questions?

Me: None, you dolt! Cl

ick!

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Recording No. 3

(subject: Violet, a neighbour, estimated age: 48 (refused to say when questioned)) Me: I'm doing some research for school, so could you please tell me when is the right time to fall in love?

Violet : You couldn't find anybody else to ask? I forgot everything about it long ago! Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind a reminder ...

When you meet the right guy - that's the right time!

Me: When was the right time that you met the right guy?

Violet: I was ... about 16, I guess, when I met Stanley. Ugh, turn that thing off at once, don't let my husband hear me!

Me: As late as sixteen?!

Violet: The times were different then. Didn't I tell you to switch it off? Click!

Recording No. 4

(subject: my own father, age: 46) Ja: Dad, please say into this recorder of yours when is the right time to fall in love?

Tata: Not yours, that's for sure! You're just a pip-squeak!

You're hardly out of your diapers!

Look at her - she'd fall in love, would she?

Ja: But dad, I've been out of diapers for twelve years!

Tata: That's what I mean, hardly yesterday!

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!

Click

Recording No. 5

(subject: class teacher, age: 38, teaches English)

Ja: What do you as a teacher think about falling in love? When is the right time for it?

Razredna: Definitely in the spring! All of nature awakens: the birds, the bees...The flowers raise their little heads, butterflies flutter from one flower to another...

Ja: So the autumn is out of the question?

Razredna: Well, the autumn's all right, too, but it's nicer when the leaves are green, the grass is growing, the sun is shining...

Ja: So I guess we would have to wait for the spring half of the school year?

Razredna: The second half !? Don't let me see anyone fall in love in the spring semester!

It's absolutely out of the question! That's when you need to study the hardest! You know how difficult this year's programme is!

Ja: But you've just said...

Razredna: Who said what? I didn't say anything! Roll up your sleeves and get to work - I don't want to hear any whining at the end of the year! Cli

Recording No. 6

ck!

(subject: Peter, a bore, who's my desk mate in school, age: 13) Ja: Pete, do you think the right time for falling in love is now, or later?

Peter: No idea! What are you doing, recording this? Wait, let me just make a statement! I want everyone to know that we thrashed Seven-C last week! Four to one!

Ja: Hey, are you listening: I'm asking you about falling in love!

Peter: Who cares ...What's the matter, have you also, like all the other airheads, fallen for John?

Ja: Me? That geek? Not on your life! I'm doing some research... scientific research...

Peter: I'll bet it is! You can tell your pal, I won't tell anyone else, cross my heart and hope to die...

Ja: Oh, go away!

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LESSON No. 1

conclusions drawn from the above poll

Definition:

The right time for falling in love is NOW, IMMEDIATELY, ASAP and ALWAYS... but only under the following conditions: 1. that of all the guys you run into, you run into the right one, 2. that the first, second, third and all subsequent looks are looks into the right eyes, 3. that you outgrew your diapers in time, 4. that the spring semester does not coincide with the spring, and 5. that you are neither a bore nor an airhead.

Practical exercises for ensuring the necessary conditions: Don't wait for the right guy to find you, but go out and look for him.There are no set rules: he could be tall or short, black or white, thin or chubby, right- or lefthanded‌ The only thing common to all right guys is that they are right for you. So as soon as you see anyone you think might be interesting, go for him.

You never know what you might be missing if you let him pass!

1.

Make a wider list of candidates and cast significant glances at them. If your significant glance is significantly thrown back at you, mark his name with an asterisk.This is important for the purpose of eliminating others. Repeat the procedure until your eyes grow tired and the list is narrowed down to a single candidate: the right guy.

2.

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Show your parents photos taken 12 years ago in which you are in diapers.Then show them snapshots made eleven years ago in which the diapers are absent. Continue with those taken ten years ago, focusing on those in which you are sitting on the potty or peeing in the grass. Advance to the latest pictures gradually, to prevent your parents from going into shock when they realise they are 13 years older than the day you were born.That's because they stopped celebrating their own birthdays on that date, and time itself stopped for them then......

3.

In the autumn, in the winter and during the summer, just imagine that it is spring! Who is it that can stop you from doing that when the leaves are falling, when you're throwing snowballs in the school yard and while you're on the beach?! And during the spring, of course, you can imagine that it is the first half of the school year! That takes care of the problem of spring for good!!

4.

Fall in love like a coot or a like a horse, just not like a bore or an airhead. I could also suggest some other animals: a cuddly kitten, a faithful dog, a wise owl...

Besides bores and airheads, we also do not advise the ass, the fox and the bat...

5.

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FROM PETER'S COMPUTER From: Steven (stevens@worldnet.yu) Sent: 03 Sept 20:46 To: Pete (peter@worldnet.yu) Subject: what's up, bro?

Pete, my brother, where have you been? How was the first day in school without me? I have already met a few people in my new neighbourhood before the start of school, so I know a few guys and girls in my class. Not too bad, all in all... But I still miss you, Jack, Tone Batman, Shotgun, Ikey and Janey. Well, Janey most of all, but that's life for you. I guess we'll see each other, although we're now at the opposite ends of town. Horror of horrors, I guess we'll meet... I certainly won't be seeing her for a hundred years...

Send me a line, bro... You haven't fallen for some girl, have you - cat got your tongue... I'm waiting for an answer!

Steven From: Pete (peter@worldnet.yu) Sent: 03 Sept 22:11 To: Steven (stevens@worldnet.yu) Subject: Re: what's up, bro?

What's the matter with all of you with all that falling in love stuff? That's all everybody is going on about... Leggo, guys! Ikey's doing some sort of poll around school, scientific research, she says, I'll bet... Airhead that she is, she's probably hot for that John from Seven-A. You should just see that ape, greased his hair with gel yesterday, you could see him shining from a mile off. And all the airheads are staring at him and giggling and whispering. As if they were off their rockers... And the guy is a jerk five times over! Just right for Helen, but Ikey seems to like him too ... now that I really don't get.

Come to think of it, who cares for them and who cares for him! You know, we whipped Seven-C at football last week - four to one, my man! They never even got that one, it was that dolt Tone who scored an own-goal. Caught me on my left foot, jumped up to clear a cross and slipped the ball right past me... I wanted to kill him, but you know him - I'm sorry, I'm sorry and so on for half an hour gets to you and you can't even rebuke him.

Send me a line, bro.

Pete 10

Research question: ARE LOOKS IMPORTANT? Method: EAVESDROPPING ON SISTER'S CALL Technical aid: WELL-HONED EAR My sister Ann is 19 and studies art history. She's hopelessly in love with a co-student who she says is the smartest and funniest man in the universe, and even broader than that... I myself have never seen him, but Ann says she is in love with his personality, not his looks.This means that he looks terrible. He has to be a short, skinny and weeny-looking guy, with thick eyeglasses and greasy hair. She loves him so madly yet gets nothing in return, so I wonder what might be wrong? One day I "accidentally" found myself in her room while she was talking to a friend on the phone... It may not have been nice, but science requires sacrifices...

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... he doesn't even need to know, I'll never tell him that I love him... ... it's enough for me just to be near him and to listen to him.... ... I never breathe when he talks, I don't want to miss a word... ... sometimes I catch myself staring at him and smiling.... ... what eloquence, what broadness, what wit... ... and his attitudes to life.... ... just because he is so smart, he'll never show that he knows that I'm in love with him... ... that's ephemeral for him, his goals in life are loftier... ... I know he's human, but I see him more as a concept than as a man... ... what? ... no, that's impossible... ... you say he's interested in her, that walking sex-pot - no way, he detests that sort... ... where did you see them? ... oh, come on... ... legs a mile long and skirt two inches?! ... no, no, he loathes those stupid and empty-headed blondes... ... he's a genius, an artist, a philosopher... ... they were kissing?! ... I don't believe you, so stop...

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... what do you mean - you're opening my eyes for me? ... so what if he's as handsome as Apollo, I don't look for the beauty in him but for his style, his soul, his character, his mind... ... of course I would love him if he was as ugly as sin ... he has personality...

... no way you could have seen him with that empty-headed gold-digger, you're just saying it to annoy me...

... who's jittery, I could not be calmer... ... OK, see you in class tomorrow...

And then Ann's glasses misted over from her tears... She threw them and then herself on the bed and began to weep uncontrollably.

There was nothing else to do but to try and console her - and also to draw the necessary conclusions for Lesson No. 2.

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30 46 82

2

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LESSON No. 2

Looks DON'T MAKE THE SLIGHTEST DIFFERENCE, except a) ... if you act as if looks don't matter.

b)... if you either are a stupid emptyheaded blonde or Apollo

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c)... when someone opens your eyes for you

Had our grandmother listened in on Ann's conversation, she would probably have had a few words to say, as she does for everything else in life. For the purposes of Lesson No. 2, I take this opportunity to speak for her:

1.

"My child, have you not learnt by now that all that glitters is not gold?"

3.

"Beauty and brains never go together - except in your case, my dear!"

2.

"Fair without, false within so they say, my dear!"

Mum's comments would be a little different, of course closer to the romantic and poetic nature of her soul:

"1.

What is beauty?

Just an empty picture-frame..."

3.

Beauty is not in the eye but in the heart..."

2.

A man needs to exude his qualities from within..."

Not able to think up a bit of advice closer to the spirit of our times, all I said was: "Calm down, Annie dear, Apollo is not the only man in the world! He definitely doesn't deserve you if he can cheat on you with that leggy blonde!"

Upon which she went ballistic, threw a pillow at me and shouted: "Get out, you moron!"

That's thanks for you!

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FROM PETER'S COMPUTER From: Pete (peter@worldnet.yu) Sent: 20 Sept 22:11 To: Steven (stevens@worldnet.yu) Subject: Batman's birthday Hi Steve my man, Shame you got ill and missed Batman's birthday party! It was super! What the man did to impress himself on the girls, poured a gallon of perfume on himself, but they all circled around John all the time. I told Batman not to invite him, but I guess the fool thinks some of John's charisma will rub off on him if he's with him.

You should have seen Helen in her micro-mini - poor Tone went out of his mind!

She never even noticed him, of course. Little Maya seems to have developed finely over the summer, she's wearing a bra now.

Janey was there too! I told her you'd asked about her, she says she's call you or send you an e-mail. John made a go for her, but Ikey and me prevented him from walking her home. We tagged along because we all went in the same direction, so that "Mr. Handsome" had no chance. Ikey says he's nothing special, anyway, he's just pushy. Thank God at least some of the females in our class are sensible!

What do you think, is she putting on an act? Can it be possible that she never fell for him!

Bye for now, time to cram some maths, test tomorrow.

Pete From: Steven (stevens@worldnet.yu) Sent: 22 Sept 22:11 To: Pete (peter@worldnet.yu) Subject: JANEY!!!

SHE CALLED ME! We talked for half an hour! I'm better now, so I'll be in the old neighbourhood tomorrow afternoon! I'll wait for you after class! And I better not run into that jerk or I'll crush him! OK, I'm kidding, I'm not a fool to get into a fight, but still, it's better for him not to run into me...

See ya Steven

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Research topic: WHICH THINGS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT? Method: RANDOM SAMPLE; SELECTION PURELY ACCIDENTAL Technical aid: COMMON SENSE, PAPER AND PEN

Specimen No. 2 Specimen No. 1

BATMAN

Tall, terribly skinny, walks like he's swallowed a plank, thin legs, size twelve trainers (dirty), nice eyes but rather doggy looking, teeth like a rabbit. Too concerned about his hair.

(Unsuccessfully) trying to become a character. Good at art, hopeless at maths

ROBBIE

Smart, good marks - especially history. A bit too nerdy. Ears slightly bigger than standard, rosy cheeks from too much country air. Clean, neat. Needs to lose at least five kilos. Good-natured, always willing to help out at exams. Unwilling to share food with guys, but wellbehaved towards girls.

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Specimen No. 3

JOHN

Handsome, blond, spitting image of Brad Pitt. Trendy. Conceited to high heaven.

Loves being the centre of attention.

School marks rather pathetic. Plays the guitar, rather well. Flies off the handle for nothing. Treats girls like a pig. The boys all hate him, but envy him.

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Specimen No. 4

TONE

Rather dull personality, a bit shy.

Standard hedgehog hairdo. Everybody likes him because he's always good to everyone and never fights with anyone.

Nice long eye-lashes, but bites his fingernails a bit too much. Writes poems in secret (as his sister says). The librarian is fond of him.

Uzorak br. 6 PAKI Specimen No. 5

MIKE

Rattles on and never lets anyone else slip in a word edgewise. Two new jokes every day. Awfully funny - being with him can never be boring. Nicknamed Shotgun because of his large and crooked beak. Never bothered by nickname and always makes fun of his schnozzle. Falls in love easily, moves in on new girl every week, but never connects.

Pete the Bore, the most boring being on this planet. Has been pestering me since nursery school, and has all but suffocated me since Grade One, as he has always sat next to me... Only interested in sports and computers. Keeps distracting me in class. Wears glasses, but they fit him well (because I chose the frame). Keeps stealing my eras

wrote! d what I a e r e h r e encil, aft tolen my p s t s u j s a Bore h Oops, the

FREAK?! a s a w e ay h Didn't I s like so much!

you elly John that sm at th is k The real frea

Pete 19

LESSON No. 3 After the Bore ruined by research in school and the notes I made in Geography, I'm typing Lesson No. 3 on my home computer, well away from his destructive hands.

Definition:

As we concluded in the preceding lesson that looks are as important as they are unimportant, all other things, however tiny, are in fact very important.

What is important is your overall view of someone. My mum would call it overall artistic impression, while dad would say "integral, all-round and comprehensive".

LIMITATIONS: Keep in mind that the total depends on the point of view. What may be important for my image of someone might be quite unimportant for someone else's. Helen, for example, would never say that John behaved to the girls like a pig, because she does not notice it, while Janey would never say that Pete was boring, because she does not have to sit next to him in school all day!

On the other hand, for example, when my sister Ann told mum and dad for the first time that she had fallen in love with that idiot who pretended to be uninterested but was dying for the leggy blonde, dad asked: "Who are his parents?", and mum asked: "Is he well behaved?" Of course that point of view was never important for Ann, and to whom would it ever be important?

So the picture we have in our minds of other people is relative, and depends on the person creating that image! Which means: If real love is blind, then falling in love is short-sighted!

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"Even a monster looks beautiful when seen through the eyes of a person in love," wrote Italian novelist Alberto Moravia, and I read on the Web, in support of Lesson No.3.

ADVICE: Eyeglasses or contact lenses for the correction of infatuational short-sightedness have not yet been invented, so all you can do is to try not to lose your head and to view the object from as many angles as possible. Because everything is important!

HOMEWORK: Convince a male or female friend to each select five or six objects of the opposite sex for observation over a period of ten days or so.You should carefully note everything that seems important. Compare notes after the period expires...You will be surprised by the differences, but that is the whole point! Everything is relative!

CONCLUSION: If everything is important and everything is relative,THEN THE IMPORTANT IS RELATIVE! Work it out for yourself - if you're smart... (I got all tangled up)

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ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PETE'S PILLOW (somewhere around midnight, after unsuccessfully counting sheep for a while...) ... Why are girls so stupid?

Take Janey, for example. First she invites Steve to come over, and when he does, she goes "what's he doing here", it's nothing to do with her, "it's nice of you to come and see us" - she's cool as a cucumber... And when John passes by, she starts whispering to Maya, and they start to giggle... It was all planned just to irk Steven. Or to annoy John - who knows?! Steven turned green, he was the colour of that spinach that you eat with a spoon. It took some doing to calm him!

Ikey also got the whole thing, although she pretended not to notice.You could immediately that she also felt uneasy.

She shot icy glances right through that stupid bosomy Maya as she was giggling with Janey, but she didn't say anything. She continues to pretend as if she knows nothing. I tried to talk to her about it, but she kept changing the subject - she knows that I will tell Steve everything, so she avoids talking about it.

Girls are not just stupid - they are also wicked! Helen, for example, immediately decides to mock Steven for having come at all, not noting that Jane was cold-shouldering him because of John.

Ugh, I detest that Helen, I simply can't wait for that jerk to ditch her so I can annoy her a bit so she can also see what it's like. And he's close to dumping her as soon as he makes a go for Janey, Helen is history - mediaeval history!

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Girls are stupid by design! And wicked!

And insensitive! Steven is obviously in a state of utter despair - he has not contacted me for days, as if he is angry with me. Shotgun says Steven invited him to go and watch a game together, and he never called me or sent an e-mail.

Maybe he thinks it's my fault because I told him Janey would call him. I guess I'll have to give him a ring...

Ikey is also stupid for not wanting to talk to me about it. She's not that wicked, but she's still insensitive and hates me.

In fact she admits that she hates me!

Girls lie as soon as they speak - with their eyes, hands, faces...They lie and pretend all the time.You never know what they really think. In fact, they are completely loony! Not a single one is normal!

It's good that I am not a girl! Boy are they complicated..

Research topic: WHY SHOULD WE FALL IN LOVE? Method: INVESTIGATE LITERATURE AND LORE Technical aids: POETRY - The Golden Book of Romantic Poetry (which dad gave mum on their fourth anniversary), the internet WISDOM (from the Web) 1. Falling in love is terribly simple, but falling out of love is simply terrible (author unknown).

2.The first love is just a little bit of foolishness and a great deal of curiosity (George Bernard Shaw).

3. Falling in love ... I'd rather fall into chocolate ... (author unknown).

AUNTIE BRIDGET (Dad's sister, aged 39):

Make sure to fall in love, dear, and school will no longer be boring.You'll wake up at the crack of dawn every morning and flutter off to school like a butterfly. When I was your age, I always kept two class schedules - one for my own and one for Seven-D.That's how I knew where I could always find Charlie, my unrequited first love, and I was never bored between classes. Even better, fall in love with someone from your own class - that way you can spend the entire maths class staring at him and the time will pass before you can say "Pythagoras's theorem!" Simply ideal for surviving school, believe me!

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ROMANTIC POETRY:

MORE ROMANTIC POETRY:

The Premonition

by Desanka Maksimovic

The Warning

by Miroslav Antic

I met you when the snow was thawing, And melting and a warm wind was blowing, Your nearness my soul intoxicating, And I was breathing yearningly.

I looked at your footprints On the virgin snow with tenderness, And I knew I would love you, for ever and a day.

It's important that we should know: A man is wanted only when he also wants.

Only when we give all of us, Can we be whole.

We will know only when we say Words that are honest and true, Only when we look for someone, Can someone also find us.

DONALD (Dad's best friend, aged 46):

Hey, kiddo, when will you finally find yourself a boyfriend? You keep staring at that computer of yours all day and you'll ruin your eyesight. It isn't good that you don't trouble your unworried father, look at him - he's broader than he's tall! He should see you with boys once in a while, you know - holding hands, this and that... He'd be sure to lose a little weight! And then to bring the lad here so we can see the game together, not have to watch you three women promenading before the TV in the middle of the Champions' League game! Please do something for the universal cause, Ikey, dear!

What do you mean there's no one you can fall in love with?! Must be at least five guys waiting for a sign from you! It's a certain bet, believe me! When was Don ever wrong?

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MORE ROMANTIC POETRY: Do not awaken, do not awaken my love, until it seeks to be awakened...

The Song of Songs, The Old Testament

BITS OF WISDOM (from the Web) 1. Love is like fever, it comes and goes, and the will has no influence on it (Stendahl).

2. Love rests on mountain tops, high above the valley of reason. It is an exalted state of being, the highest summit of living (Jack London).

3. Genuinely loving one's self means loving not just oneself (Yevgeny Yevtushenko).

MORE ROMANTIC POETRY: Intimate

by Paul Eluard I made you by the measure of my loneliness The whole world so we can hide Days and nights so we understand each other So I cannot see anything in your eyes Except what I think of you And of a world in which I see your face.

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LESSON NO. 4 By simply summing up the preceding research, we can arrive at a classification of answers to the question of why we should fall in love: 1. so we can fall out of love (picture no. 1) 2. for silly reasons (picture no. 2) 3. out of curiosity 4. to avoid drowning in chocolate 5. to kill time 6. for the good of our health (picture no.3) 7. for the good of dad's health

(picture no. 1)

8. so we can get out of bed in the morning more easily (picture no. 4) 9. in order to survive mathematics 10. for the good of the Champions' League 11. because dad's best friend is always right 12. because of fever 13. instead of mountaineering (picture no. 2)

((picture no. 3) (picture no. 4) 26

14. because someone is waiting for us to fall in love with them (picture no.5) 15. so we get to love ourselves 16. so romantic poetry can exist.

((picture no. 5)

Of course, although there is a grain of truth in each of these answers, none of them is even close to being fully correct and final. Every human being is a different reason for falling in love... Does it then make any sense at all to look into those reasons, I wonder (and so, probably, do you‌)?

If you try to speak about love with your mind, you will lose your mind - says an old French proverb (also off the Net) - and so, in order not to risk insanity, I give up...

When I think of it, out of all the laborious digging around books and the Web and interviewing people, the only thing I really liked was Auntie's comment about fluttering. When you fall in love, I guess it comes by itself, without any special intention or reason, everything in you and around you begins to flutter. It must be a wonderful feeling... When I fall in love, I'll know...

So here's the next question... How will you know when you're in love? Hmmm, I think Lesson No. 5 will require some fundamental research...

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RECORDED FROM PETE'S TELEPHONE RECEIVER Pete: Is that you, Steve?

Steven: Pete, my man!

Pete: What are you up to man, I haven't heard from you in days!

Steven: Grief, man - preparing for school.

We've got a physics mid-term, I crammed, like, but I haven't a prayer, really.

Pete: I thought you were mad at me for some reason... Opened my mail half a dozen times and nothing from you...

Steven: Why should I be mad at you?! I'm mad at myself, bro, for being a retard five times over. I should never have come and made an idiot of myself because of that lamebrain...

Pete: What do you care, it's her funeral...

Thinks she's some hot broad, whatever...

Can't recognise Jane at all - ever since she teamed up with Maya, she's gone barmy...

Steven: So did she hit it off with John in the end?

Pete: Wish that she had! He's still with Helen! The geek is still playing with both of them. I can't understand that they could be so blind not to see it.

Steven: Listen, man, let's not waste time on those silly broads.What do we need them for, anyway, just to get irritated about their stupidity?! I've decided never to fall for any woman any more, it's just pointless... Spit right in my face if I ever do it again! Must be hundreds of things in life more important than getting hooked on some silly girl.

Pete: Of course there are! Who cares for them... Girls are just a pain in the neck, really... Anyway, they've got John so they can fight over him... Ikey was the only one to see him for the maniac that he is. Do you think she's really on to him?

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Steven: Ikey's a real empress, she doesn't give a toss for guys... But, you never know, she is a woman after all and the silly goose in her could always awaken‌ Look at Janey, she was normal when she was in love with me, and look at her now!

Pete: Forget the women for moment, when are you coming over?

Steven: I'll stay away from that neighbourhood for a while.Why don't you come over to my part of town and meet my crew? We have a Sara in my class, looks just like Lara Croft, I mean Angelina Jolie, she's really hot...

Conceited as hell, but you should see her legs, bro... Come over and have a look!

Pete: Steve, my man, you just said you'd never fall for a woman again... I'd spit right in your face if I could!

Steven: Who's talking about falling for her?

That's out of the question, but snogging is something else again... Just be cool, man...

Pete: You've flipped you lid, man... Look at what that retard Janey has done!

Steven: Don't mention that name again if you want to be my friend! Not even a 'J'! For me she's dead, do you get it?

Pete: OK, don't blow your top?! We won't mention her again if it makes you feel better!

Steven: Of course it makes me feel better - I don't want to talk about people who do not exist! So when are you coming over? Why don't you come on Saturday and spend the whole day here! We'll have a great time!

Pete: Right-o! I'll send you an e-mail when I get the all-clear from my folks. See ya!

Research topic:

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE? Method: QUESTIONNAIRE Technical aids: PSYCHOLOGY BOOKS After researching in detail the symptoms of infatuation in psychology books, I have drawn up this questionnaire to distribute to everyone in my class tomorrow. I will then list their responses by proportion, and then draw accurate conclusions for Lesson No 5. This is the questionnaire: QUESTIONNAIRE (please think carefully before circling one of the answers that have been offered) 1.You are in the presence of the person you love.What happens to your eyes? a) the pupils dilate strongly b) they get a bit misty c) I blink uncontrollably d) my field of view narrows drastically e) I see red.

2.What happens to your ears? a) I miss half of what I hear b) they turn beet-red c) I also hear what I'm not supposed to hear d) a sudden buzzing starts e) they grow out, from the burden of infatuation.

3.What happens to your hands? a) I tremble b) I bite my fingernails c) I clench them together d) My palms sweat e) I wave them around uncontrollably.

4.What happens to your legs? a) my knees tremble b) I keep transferring my weight from foot to foot c) I freeze and can't take a step d) I jitter nervously e) my feet sweat uncontrollably.

5.What happens to your belly? a) it tightens in a knot b) something way down low wobbles c) it howls d) it rumbles e) heartburn.

6.What happens to your heart? a) it skips b) it goes right up into my throat c) it speeds up and begins to thump d) I feel as if it will jump right out of my chest e) it just melts and flows right through my body.

7.What happens to your brain ? a) What? b) Brain? c) What do you mean, brain? d) Where's the brain? e) What brain?

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LESSON No. 5 The questionnaire was not anonymous - all participants agreed to sign their names.

Everyone in class filled it in (except the researcher), and after processing the responses some amazing conclusions were made.

There were a total of 32 respondents, and four questionnaires were not valid: * Helen circled all answers to every question. * Shotgun circled two answers to every question, and added the following note: "Where is the question about how love affects my nose?" * Susan crossed over the entire sheet and wrote a comment: "Haven't you anything better to do with your time?" * Pete added to every question a silly answer of his own under 'f'. Very funny!

A total of 28 respondents filled in the test correctly: - 5 (17.85 %) had most of their responses under 'a' - 6 (21.42 %) had most of their responses under 'b' - 5 (17.85 %) had most of their responses under 'c' - 5 (17.85 %) had most of their responses under 'd' - 7 (25 %) had most of their responses under 'e'

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q w

k a

s

x

Based on the mathematical and statistical indicators given above, we can conclude that the reactions varied widely according to the symptoms themselves. No response got an absolute majority and could be declared to be a rule.This means is that the rule is that there are no rules! All the answers are correct!

For a moment I thought the entire study with the questionnaire was a waste of time ... but I think it wasn't! I now possess data on symptoms of infatuation for the whole class, and will thus be able to recognise them instantly in real life. Who knows, it might even come in handy some day... Should a boy in the class fall in love with me, for example, I would know it immediately... I guess it's better to know at once so I can tell him to back off... So he doesn't waste time for nothing - it's not anything that interests me, anyway (except scientifically).

I can't resist filling in the questionnaire myself, just for fun! I'm not in love, anyway, so I can play as much as I want! It looks as if Pete is also not in love, as he has taken the whole thing as a great joke and added his own silly answers.

Pete and falling in love - that's just like a kangaroo at the North Pole! All that man ever sees is basketball, football, computer games and himself!

I'm off to take the test in secret!

My own results are not part of the study!

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