Conflicts and how to deal with them

CONFLICTS and what to do with them

Dijana Plut • Ljiljana Marinkovi}

DIJANA PLUT

• LJILJANA MARINKOVI]

CONFLICTS and what to do with them

Dr Dijana Plut Mr Ljiljana MarinkoviĂŚ

CONFLICTS and what to do with them

Belgrade, 2003.

WHAT WILL YOU FIND IN THIS BOOK? This is a book about conflicts, specificaly about conflicts which break out between two person who are close, which opress both of them, which are important to both of them, which cannot be run away from because life together has to go on, and it is better for both sides if it continues without bitterness and rancor .

Read this book if you want to improve your relations with your parents, friends, brothers and sisters, teachers, neighbours... If you want to, you can do something not only for yourself, but for them, too.

Here we speak of conflicts which it is within your powers to solve, the course of which you can influence, and which, as a matter of fact, cannot be solved without your consent We get into conflicts with other people all the time, over trifles or over important things. Conflicts are unavoidable, and they are usually not pleasant. There are few people who really like to quarrel. Conflicts arise when we cannot get something we need (take note that we do not mean only things, but also feelings, convictions...). Usually, the obstacle is somebody else who is in our way; the greater our need, the more this other person bothers us.

If we see the other person as an opponent, we usually put things this way: either him, or me, there is no third way! If you take a look at the picture, you'll see what is the usual outcome of this attitude. But things can also be dif ferent.

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FACE TO FACE WITH CONFLICTS Apology to girls: whenever we say "he", we are also referring to you!

We don't know whether you are one of those who like to take a peek into their soul, to analyse themselves‌ People often don't think about their own behaviour .

How do you react when your desires clash with those of others? Take this little test but please be completely honest!

Situation No. 1 Snide comments Classes are over. Ann is walking down the corridor when out of the general cacophony of voices she hears quite clearly a snide remark directed at her from a group of girls.

What would you do in such a situation? a. I would turn around and grab the nearest by her hair and make mincemeat of her. Next time they would think whether it's smart to play with me! b. I would probably just go pale and continue on my way , pretending I hadn't heard them. I might even trip and fall - that would make them even happier . At home, I would swallow my tears and tell my pillow everything that I should have said to them.

I would even think up many witty repartees. Gosh, I'm such a loser! c. I would stand up to them and ask whether they were talking to me. I would ask the one I thought was their ringleader whether she had anything to say to me. I would tell them I didn't like people talking about me behind my back and caution them. d. I wasn't born yesterday, you know! Five minutes later I would organise my own followers. Woe and betide the first one that runs into me - after I'm through with her, she wouldn't even know her own name for three days!

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e. I would swallow my pride and pass in full dignity . But at home I would hatch a plan. I would get them when they least expect it. One by one they would pay , sooner or later. f. I would face them and tell them the first thing that came to my mind. I wouldn't mince my words, that's for sure! g. I would be really hurt, and it would show . I wouldn't try to hide my tears, and maybe I'd even tell them. If they wanted to hurt me, they succeeded. And what have they got for it? h. I would report them to the class teacher for jeopardising the dignity of a fellow human being. Perhaps my mum would also do something about it. i. I would not be able to stop my tears, and I would go all red and go home in total defeat. Later, I would try to avoid them. I would be hurt for a very long time. j. I would let them know that I had heard them and later I would just ignore them.

If they like doing things like that, I have no need for them, and any sort of revenge would really be a waste.

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Situation No. 2 Saturday afternoon Mike has finished his homework, put on his finest and is ready to go to town. But his best friend Brian would rather play basketball. What do we do?

This is a minor and not very serious conflict. What would you do in such a situation? Can you see yourself in one of the following actions? a. I would try to talk Brian out of the basketball and into coming to town with me.

I would coax and cajole him, blackmail him, beg him, threaten him, try to entice him with false promises‌ but I wouldn't stop before I broke him. b. I would not even dare to mention going to town. I would obediently take of f my new shirt and play with him in my best pants. I would try not to let my disappointment show. c. I would suggest that we decide by flipping a coin. d. I would do my best to convince him but ultimately I would cave in. The town can go to blazes! e. I would really put pressure on him, and if he refused, I would leave him, perhaps for ever. He would see when I'd ever ask him again! I wouldn't even rule out smacking him. What a geek! f. I would propose that we play for a while and then go to town. W ell, it isn't what I really wanted, but there's no other way . g. I would get sick of everything and just stay at home, thinking why I'm the one who can never get anything right. Why does he always want everything his way?

Things are never how I wanted them. I might as well stay at home.

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Have you found yourself in any of these situations? Of course, we know that people do not always behave in the same way: a lot depends on who it is the conflict concerns, how much that person means to us, how determined we are to get our way‌ But people are nevertheless inclined towards a certain type of reaction. Have you managed to find out something about yours? Are you satisfied with them? Are you satisfied with the outcomes? Are you successful - do you manage to resolve conflicts, or do you sink into them deeper and deeper?

Consider your answer keeping in mind three important points: 1. Do you only think about your own needs, or do you also consider those of other people?

2. Do you usually take action on your decisions, or would you rather back away?

3. Do you try to react peacefully, or are inclined towards aggressive solutions?

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CONFLICTS FLARE UP Conflicts should be resolved!

If something is not very important for you, but is for someone else, you should back down. But if the level of importance is equal, then you are facing a real conflict, which can be overcome only if it is fully and truly resolved.

Sometimes lack of confidence in one's self, fear of getting entangled in a conflict or other reasons lead you to avoid "making waves" and to yield to the other party's pressure. The other side gets what it wanted while you sit and sulk and collect steam until on the next opportunity you attack him for some trivial matter.

Or it could be the opposite: you exert pressure until the other side gives in and you get your own. You're pleased, you won ‌ or so you think. The other side is just waiting to get his own back at you, to raise the same problem again, or to burden your entire relationship. A poorly resolved problem always comes back and can ruin relations between people.

A conflict is like a fire: if it isn't put out when it's small, it turns into a raging inferno which swallows everything.

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THE SEARCH FOR A SOLUTION Your parents insist that you come along with them to the summerhouse every week-end. Definitely not the place you want to go. Your excuse is usually homework, but if that doesn't work, on Sunday morning you get a bellyache. One day , your mum sits you down at the kitchen table and says to you: - W e'll resolve this summerhouse problem once and for all.

This is a conflict situation which involves you and your mother . You might already have had a similar problem at home. But even if you haven't, what would you do in this situation? Please think carefully, and suggest a solution of your own before you continue reading.

You are well aware that this is not the only solution. Now take a piece of paper and write all solutions you can think of. Absolutely all you can think of, whether you like them of not, whether they would be in your interest of not, whether or not they appear reasonable.

This is what we came up with: 1. Everyone should be free to spend his or her Sunday wherever he or she wants.

2. Every other Sunday is reserved for the summerhouse, and the other weekends are free of that obligation.

3. The summerhouse should be sold.

4. The person who refuses to go forfeits his or her pocket-money .

5. You should be paid for your visits to the summerhouse, to make up for time lost.

6. The whole family must spend all its week-ends there.

7. You should take a along a friend and also bring along your DVD player .

8. Instead of whatever you would do there, you should be left at home to do something else that is useful.

9. The family should organise more dinners and other get-togethers at home and leave the summerhouse outings to those who really like to go there.

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Who's the winner, and who's the loser?

Well call this process of looking for all possible solutions reflection. Keep in mind that it gets more and more successful as time passes. The best ideas usually appear towards the end, so it's worth the wait.

Once you've finished reflecting on the problem, try to place your solution in one of the following categories:

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Mum wins, you lose.

Mum loses, you win.

Both you and mum lose.

Both you and mum win.

People often consider conflicts in terms of win-or-lose. Your mum and you can sit down at the table as two enemies, but also as two people who have a common problem. That problem bothers both of you, and overcoming it is in your joint interest.

What can happen?

Mum can approach the problem from a position of power , exert pressure and threaten sanctions if you disobey (grounding, denial of TV rights, no ski trip this year‌) - forcing you to give in. That Sunday you sulk in the garden as you weed the flowers, hoping to God your mates don't know where you are.

You can also be the winner. You've used all the weapons you have at your disposal, you wept, screamed, threatened to run away from home, and mum gave in but she's disappointed and hurt. Who knows what she's capable of thinking up next!

In situation number three, your exchange was so stormy that you and your mum now aren't on speaking terms. No one went to the summerhouse on Sunday , and the weeds are thriving.

The fourth option is a serious conversation in which you and your mum present your points of view.

Of course, in life it isn't easy to classify things so simply . But let's leave that for later - you will see what other solutions exist.

Conversations of this kind are very important in resolving conflicts. Only after such discussions is it possible to arrive at solutions which are favourable for both sides. For example, solutions 2, 7, 8 and 9 on page 9. What about those you conceived?

As you see, it is dif ficult to know in advance which solution will satisfy both sides in a conflict. It depends on their needs and on their fears. A serious approach to resolving conflicts demands learning to respect and heed others' interests, not just your own. In other words, trying to really understand the other party's views.

Don't think that it will be easy. One needs a great deal of experience before one can recognise all desires and fears in one's self and in others. It's something you learn, something you practice! Don't be surprised if you have problems with recognising your own interests and fears.

The idea of this book is not to teach you to give in to others. W e want to help you to defend your interests in the right manner , in a way which improves your chances to succeed in that endeavour.

Certain techniques and social skills are needed so that you don't back down all the time and that your own needs and fears are understood and accepted by others.

What are these techniques and supporting skills?

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HOW TO SATISFY BOTH SIDES

The more serious a conflict, the more dif ficult it will be to find common ground. If you aren't overly affected by a conflict, you'll find a solution relatively easily . The problem is that in very serious conflicts many people are not up to the task: they defend their positions stubbornly, dig in and refuse to budge an inch.

Mark: I'm going out this evening.

Dad: Out of the question.

Mark: Everyone's going out.

Dad: I don't care.

Mark: You never let me do anything!

People think that conceding, even in conversation, will be taken as a sign of weakness after which their adversary will attack and take everything. Sometimes we deliberately fret and growl, in order to look more fearsome and dangerous.

No conflict can be resolves satisfactorily without dialogue! Fretting is just wasting time. If your opponent is much more powerful (not just physically , but also in terms of influence), then you have almost no choice, you simply must give in. Go up against someone who's much stronger, and you could be in real trouble! But in this book we are considering conflicts where the parties are generally equal in strength, or are at least both keen on resolving the conflict (for example parents and their children).

Parents are more powerful, but the kids also have their weapons. Parents have good reason to resolve their problems with children in a smart manner .

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Dialogue Dialogue! Words are magic. Have you experienced their power already? If you haven't, you need to try. Just talking about a problem sometimes serves to reduce it. It is good to relate a problem to a friend, not just to hear his or her opinion about it, but to hear yourself talking about it. If it's something that is so sensitive you would not want even your best friend to know about it, say it out loud to yourself. Out loud!

Try to analyse the problem in the following way: What kind of problem do I have?

What exactly is the problem?

Have I perhaps blown things out of all proportion?

How would it look from the point of view of an uninvolved third party?

What feelings do I have about it?

Am I angry, sad, hurt, jealous‌?

Exactly how angry, sad, hurt, jealous am I? (Use a 1 to 10 scale) Exactly who is my adversary?

Who am I angry at, who am I sad about, etc.?

What are the things I can do?

What can I do myself, and where am I dependent on others?

Do I want to resolve the problem at all, or does the problem actually suit me to some extent?

Is it a real problem or a false problem?

What are the consequences of my various courses of action?

What are the feelings of the other party?

What would I feel if I were the other party?

What are its real aims?

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Why is the other side behaving in the way it is?

Would I behave in the same way if I were in their shoes?

Is there anything else it can do?

Can it act in a wiser manner?

What can I offer?

Can I meet them half-way on some aspects of the problem?

What are my real interests?

What do I really want?

What can I sacrifice and what is too important for that?

What do I get from the conflict?

What do I lose?

Do I gain anything?

Is it in my interest for the problem to persist and for the other side to become my lifelong enemy?

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FINALLY‌ Have you started to comprehend things?

Look around yourself. What do you see around yourself, in a your new capacity as a fully trained expert in conflicts? W e all have terrible trouble with conflicts. We keep complicating things and entangling ourselves even more, instead of solving the problems that we might have with other people.

Don't think that it will be easy to learn the skills of resolving conflicts. It is something that you learn for as long as you live. This book has offered some guidelines. Try some of the things we have suggested. If you're having trouble, try and try again! Think, did you perhaps do something clumsily the last time? Try to make the other person work with you, not against you. Tell him or her your dilemmas, explain what you're trying to do, suggest that you work on the problem together .

What if there's no success?

There really do exist conflicts which are impossible to resolve by using all the strategies we have given here. It's especially hard when you're young and your soul is very vulnerable, and have little experience in life from which you can draw selfconfidence and useful ideas.

For example, you run into a bully who wants to beat you. Run for your life.

Let your feet do the work for you. You had a problem, but don't let a conflict arise out of it. Don't be ashamed to seek help from adults. Even the strongest will meet his match some day. You have every right in the world to seek protection.

There are also other unpleasant situations. Someone is harassing you because he wants to prove something to himself, he's not interested in your suf fering because he's too involved in his own problems, so he humiliates you and does even worse.

What can we say about this problem? Think. Consider various options. Look at the way others deal with such situations and how they fare. Some of your peers look for allies and try to jointly break up the bully's audience, others find an avenger , a bouncer to defend them‌ Think! Sometimes a bully requires a tit-for-tat approach, so he can taste a little of his own medicine. But this must in turn be followed by something a little more friendly, something that opens the door to cooperation.

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Take care never to do unto others what you would not have them do to you.

This might be a good guideline for choosing a solution.

Resolving conflicts is a challenge, it's like solving a puzzle. W e wish you a lot of success in that skill. W e want you to become a real expert in finding the right solution. And don't be afraid to face conflicts. They can all be solved.

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Contents What will you find in this book? .....................................................................3 Eye to eye with conflicts ................................................................................4 How conflicts flare up .....................................................................................8 Searching for a solution .................................................................................9 How can both sides be satisfied? ................................................................12 Steps towards a smart solution for a conflict ...............................................16 Rules of fair fighting .....................................................................................25 Useful skills in solving conflicts ....................................................................31 Be your own master .....................................................................................47 What television does to you .........................................................................58 Finally... ........................................................................................................62

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