Parental guides becoming a parent the hard way

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Preterm Labor • In VItro FertILIzatIon • adoPtIon

*RRG 3$5(17

Becoming a Parent the Hard Way

Preterm Labor • In Vitro Fertilization • Adoption

Table of Contents Introduction.................................................................................... 5 Parenting as Wish and/or Imperative........................................ 7 Preterm Labor ............................................................................ 11 Ceca and Deki’s Story .................................................................... 11 Dilemmas and Questions.............................................................. 14 Causes...................................................................................... 14 Complications and Consequences .......................................... 15 Feelings ................................................................................... 18 Parents’ Role............................................................................ 22 In Vitro Fertilization ................................................................ 26 Nena and Petar’s Story ................................................................. 26 Dilemmas and Questions.............................................................. 29 Causes ..................................................................................... 29 In Vitro Process ....................................................................... 32 Ethical Dilemmas..................................................................... 34 Feelings..................................................................................... 38 Adoption....................................................................................... 42 Ana and Moma’s Story .................................................................. 42 Dilemmas and Questions.............................................................. 44 Adoption Procedure................................................................. 44 After the Adoption................................................................... 48 Feelings..................................................................................... 52 Difficult Questions .................................................................. 55 Taking Care of Yourself ............................................................. 66 Relationship with Your Partner.................................................... 67 Relationships with Family and Friends........................................ 70 Conclusion..................................................................................... 73 A Note about the Author.............................................................. 76

INTRODUCTION Life is not a walk across a field.1 Boris Pasternak

Sometimes things go completely wrong, and it happens for no apparent reason or warning. You had done everything right—you had finished school, found a job… then you found a man that you fell in love with… you got married…you took care of your health: you ate whole wheat bread and rice instead of the white ones, a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables, chicken instead of pork… you jogged in the park from time to time, went to yoga three times a week… you were a caring daughter, had good friends, helped others whenever you could… You pretty much did everything by the book and things were the way you wanted or planned them to be. And then—bang! Like a bolt out of the blue: you can’t have a child…

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The poem “Hamlet”, translated by Ann Pasternak Slater (http://www.theguardian.com/books/2010/nov/06/saturdaypoem-hamlet-boris-pasternak )

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This, of course, comes as a great blow, and it hits you where it hurts the most. Your wish to become a parent is not just any wish, only one of many. It is something that means a lot to you, something that you, perhaps, took for granted until the moment you realized it was slipping through your fingers. Becoming a parent is something that strongly defines you as a person. You have always seen yourself as a parent somewhere in the future and you are sure that you would make an excellent parent. Now what? How come‌ and, of all the people, why is this happening to you? It is not fair.

It is true—the fact that you have suffered such a blow is probably not fair, and there is no special explanation why it happened. Bad things sometimes happen when we least expect them. It is simply the way it is. On the other hand, hard times are often moments of reflection, when we reconsider our priorities and put each thing in its proper place. We learn the value of the truly important things in our lives. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to avoid the rough moments. Luckily, they do not last forever.

This book is about the tough times lived by the people who became parents the hard way, and tries to advise them on how to deal with the stress of the period. As banal as it sounds, it is still true—there is always sunshine after the rain.

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Parenting

as Wish and/or Imperative But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; But the greatest of these is love.

APOSTLE PAUL

All we need is love.

JOHN LENNON

“Did you know that a fir, a conifer, reaches sexual maturity at the age of five. It is when the cones start springing forth and the fir can reproduce. But, do you know why some younger firs, for example the ones that are three years old, also produce cones? These fir-trees are found to be sick and drying up, and reaching sexual maturity early is actually a way to achieve reproduction. In other words, when firs are not likely to survive, they have a need to reproduce…” This is how Anđelka answered the question: Why do we want to have children? (by the way, she is a horticultural engineer). The reason is of biological nature: procreation. It certainly makes sense. Humans, as species, are a part of nature. The man, however, is not just a biological being, but much more than that. This is where things start to get complicated.

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Speaking of complications, we should take a look at what the answers are if we formulate this question in a different way.

The question is: Why do you NOT want to have children? This question is much more frequently asked than the first one and some of the answers to this rather indiscrete question are the following: “Children are a huge responsibility. I am not ready for this kind of responsibility”, or “I have always found my career more important than children. You can’t have both”, or “I don’t want to bring children into this awful world…

Everything in it is terribly wrong…” or “I’m not ready to deprive myself of the life I have because of a child” or “Having children implies a great sacrifice”. Some people do not have children although they have never planned not to have them— they simply ran out of time. They probably expected to have children eventually, and when it did not happen spontaneously they were not ready to deal with it and they ended up without having children. Some people regret it later, others do not.

Having in mind that everybody should be allowed to make their life choices, as well as the fact that, in psychological terms, this is a highly complex matter, I believe the best thing is not to go into why somebody does not want to have a child.

That is not what this book is about in the first place. This book is about and for the people who want a child so much that they are willing to go through a lot just to become parents. It is intended for the people who have already become parents, as well as for the people who still do not have children but wish to have them with all their hearts. Also, it is important to say that we are not talking about planning a family or pregnancy, but about wanting to have a child. There are many 8

pregnancies that were not planned but were still desired.

People can plan having a child before actually wanting to start a family, but not necessarily. If there is no desire to have a baby, then plans are of no importance. So, why do parents want children? We touched on the biological reason with the story of the fir, and a mother defined it succinctly in the following way: “You ask silly questions! It’s like breathing, or drinking water—it’s simply natural!”

However, things are not that simple. As we already said, the man is more than a biological creature. Social pressure, which can be more or less obvious, also plays an important part in our desire to have children. “Let’s sit and talk. Please consider that your biological clock is ticking…” is a comment that many girls and young women often face. Men do not hear that much about the “biological clock”, but are, on the other hand, faced with comments such as: “It’s time for you to settle down…”, “That’s enough fooling around…”, “When are you going to start a family?”, “It’s time for me to become a grandmother…”

Family and children are highly valued in every society, and sometimes we have the impression that we will be more valued as individuals if we have a child. So, biological reasons, as well as social pressure make us want to become parents. Is that all or almost all?

Your baby has been waking up and crying in the middle of the night for countless nights in a row and you have no idea what to do to make the crying stop, so you turn on the light and your child’s toothless smile makes all your worries and tiredness go away… Your baby falls asleep on your bosom…

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Your son has fallen down and bruised his knee (it hurt you as well) and now, tearful, he is waiting for you to kiss and make it go away… Your son is reciting in a school play and you, with mixed feelings of pride and stage fright, are moving your lips and reciting with him… Your daughter’s boyfriend offended her and, while she is crying, you are clasping your big little girl to your bosom with a sincere wish to break that boy’s neck… Your son has barely got into the university, and after a lot of concern, anticipation and anger on your part, you are giving him a firm hug… You are having sore eyes and an awful headache after “sleeping” in a hospital chair for three nights because you do not want to leave your child alone in the hospital after his tonsil operation…

No matter what happens to us as parents—whether those are the good, bad or just ordinary things—there is a common denominator for them all, and it is love. Many people who have become parents will say that parental love is something that can’t be compared to anything else. Parental love is the only kind of love that gives you strength for the efforts and sacrifices that we never knew we were capable of. This particular emotion—love—is more powerful than any other motive, social or biological, that can lead a person to become a parent. Our need to love and to be loved, make a unique connection to a child that we bring into this world and start a family are the strongest motives that drive us to become parents. It is precisely the strength of these motives that guides us through difficult periods and helps us when we encounter problems in our endeavors to become parents. We persevere because we feel the need to experience this love one day.

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Adoption Ana and Moma’s Story In my life, everything went according to plan, Ana says. I finished high school and university, and then I married Moma, my high school sweetheart. Each of us found a job, and, after living with Moma’s parents for a while, we bought an apartment of our own.

We are both doctors. Moma’s career started to take off, and I started my specialization. Everything was fine… I became pregnant and, of course, we were over the moon with the news. Unfortunately, it lasted for a very short time, since I had a miscarriage. We were young at the time and we didn’t worry much about it, but the doctor in me already had a feeling that having a baby will not go smoothly. Unfortunately, that was how it happened.

Years passed, and I couldn’t get pregnant. After many medical check-ups they still couldn’t tell us what the problem was. There were some minor problems, nothing serious: hormones, cysts, infections, etc. Still, these “little” problems made us lose a lot of time—we would solve one, then wait for a couple of months, but something else would come up, and then we would wait for the pregnancy to happen on its own…

After five years we decided to try in vitro fertilization, and we had two unsuccessful cycles. After the second cycle I felt awful.

It would be an understatement if I defined the state I was in as sadness. I couldn’t sleep, I lost my appetite, and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I withdrew from my friends, and I stopped going 42

out almost completely. Everything seemed difficult. For a while I couldn’t make myself go to work. When I somehow managed to rise a little from the state of intense grief and discouragement, I gave a lot of thought to how unbelievable it is that a man can fall in just one day, while it takes him months to rise again.

After all the experiences we had had, I spent more and more time thinking about adoption as the right solution for us.

Moma disagreed with me at the time, and I was aware that it was not wise to put pressure on him when it came to such a big and important decision. As far as I was concerned, everything became clearer and, in a way, easier when I completely faced my emotions and needs, and when I realized the following: I wanted so much to be somebody’s mom, and not to give birth to someone.

These two normally go together, but not necessarily. I could be a mom even if I didn’t give birth. The moment I came to realize this I felt a considerable relief.

After another unsuccessful IVF cycle Moma agreed that we should adopt a child. We informed the nearest relatives and the closest friends about our decision. Everybody was thrilled. They offered us their wholehearted support and thought that it was the best solution for us. The big support, as well as the positive feelings and encouragement that came from the people close to us meant a lot. All that gave us confidence to embark on the adoption process.

The next step was to gather required documentation and take them to the Center for Social Work, as well as to talk to the expert team that was in charge of the entire procedure. After that, we attended the School for Parents, where we were turned “upside down” emotionally, and where we learned a lot 43

and faced our own emotions and motives. We were assessed as adequate candidates for child adoption, and after finishing the School for Parents we were assured that we were fit to be “good enough parents”. When it was established that we met all the requirements, we were told that, while looking for a child for us, they would take into consideration Moma and I both as individuals and partners, so that they could try to find a child that would be happy with us and that we would be happy with.

After some time we received a call from the Center for Social Work and informed us that there was a right baby for us. It was an eight-month-old boy. We were very excited before meeting him, fully aware that we might be facing the end of a very big and important stage of our lives and the beginning of the next one.

And finally—meeting Đorđe. In that moment, it seemed that the countless questions, dilemmas, tears, bad feelings and fears that weighed heavily on us for years on our way to become parents simply disappeared. Đorđe was there, and all of a sudden everything became easy, beautiful and logical. As soon as we took him in our arms, both Moma and I knew—he was ours.

Finally, after years of looking, we found our child.

Dilemmas and Questions Adoption Procedure The most important step that precedes the beginning of the adoption process is making the decision to adopt a 44

child. Although the decision to adopt will be assessed and questioned in the course of the adoption procedure as well, it signifies the beginning of everything. The adoption process itself takes place in several phases: 1. Documents. When you decide that you would like to adopt a child, the first step that you take is compiling required documentation. You can obtain the list of documents that need to be enclosed with your demand in the Center for Social Work of the municipality where you live. The documentation gives evidence of your status: citizenship, place of residence, financial standing, age, marital status, official proof that you have not committed any criminal act, etc. When you submit the required documentation to the Center for Social Work, their legal representative concludes that you meet the general requirements to become adoptive parents, which also marks the beginning of the second phase.

2. Determining general suitability. After parents have fulfilled the conditions envisaged by the law, further assessment of suitability is taken over by professionals: a psychologist, a pedagogue and a social worker. These experts examine the potential adoptive parents’ personalities, their motivation, their mutual relationship, or, if a single person wants to adopt, the potential adoptive parent’s social network. Relations within the adoptive parents’ family, their psychological capacities, as well as the quality of their mutual relationship and motivation are thoroughly examined.

Potential adoptive parents who normally expect support from these professionals can be unpleasantly surprised by intimate and demanding questions. As Ana said: “I expected them to be 45

supportive, however they seemed to be trying to talk me out of adopting a child. Only a couple of years later did I understand how purposeful and justified such an approach had been.”

It is important to know that such approach is justified, since experts’ task is not to provide future adoptive parents with psychotherapy and counseling, but to make selection and assess their psychological capacities and motivation. From this point of view, a thorough investigation of the personal and motivational capacities of adoptive parents, which is not always pleasant, is conducted in the best interest of the child that will be adopted. Many potential adoptive parents are unaware of fact that, although they are strongly motivated to adopt a child, their motives may be inadequate. Experts deal with this kind of sensitive issues during this phase of adoption process.

An important part of this phase is also is also the process of motivation self-evaluation and one’s own parenting capacities.

3. Preparation of future adoptive parents. The additional phase of adoptive parents’ evaluation and self-evaluation takes place in group work, during which they get acquainted with some particular issues. Namely, they are evaluated in terms of having full understanding of everything that adoption implies, they are told about the general personal characteristics and experiences of children without parental guidance, etc. Future adoptive parents face with facts that help them understand that the children waiting for adoption are “real” and that they have emotional baggage; it is done in order to make potential parents face with what they want and are able to do, in other words, what they do not want or are not able to do. Self-evaluation is further encouraged, both in 46

adoptive parents as individuals and partners. At the end of this phase, a decision is made on parents’ suitability and data on them is entered into the registry.

4. Waiting. The most difficult adoption phase comes after making the decision on suitability and registering the potential adoptive parents as candidates. The registry, which is confidential, contains data on all available potential adoptive parents, and there is a similar registry for children that meet the adoption conditions. On the basis of available data, experts try to find parents that would be the best for every child. The number of potential adoptive parents greatly exceeds the number of children waiting for adoption. Younger children that are healthy will be adopted more easily that older children, children with health issues or ethnic minority children. The more demanding adoptive parents are, the longer and harder the process is.

5. Adaptation. If you have been lucky and received a call from the Center for Social Work that said that they had a child that you as adoptive parents, according to experts’ assessment, would be the best for, what ensues is the moment full of excitement and hope—meeting the child. Adoptive parents are given the possibility to communicate openly their impressions after the meeting without any negative consequences and say if they think the child is not suitable for them. That way, competent authorities can work towards a better solution for both the parents and the child. In the first days, the adoptive parents meet the child on several occasions so that experts can follow the child’s reactions and the reactions of adoptive parents.

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If everything goes well and the first contact turns out to be successful, the process moves to the next phase: the child goes to spend time with adoptive parents. During this period, which is legally determined, the child lives at adoptive parents’ house, while experts from the Center for Social Work monitor if the connection established between adoptive parents and the child in this phase is adequate.

If this phase also goes well, the next step is the ceremonial finalization of the adoption process. After that, the parents can start with the procedure of giving the child their last name, as well as with other administrative procedures. The adoption data become official and are forwarded to competent municipal authorities. In brief—you have become parents!

After the Adoption – Administration. Although dealing with administrative issues upon finishing the adoption process can at first seem simple and although it often is, sometimes the process does not go without difficulties. Issues such as entering the personal identity number into the registry, possible changing of child’s name, (in)visibility of child’s past in certain situations (e.g. in health care institutions), etc. can pose a challenge. Therefore, it is very important to get acquainted with the rights that both you and your child have. Your main goal in solving these issues, which you will encounter shortly after the adoption process is over, should be to fully define your child’s status to the extent envisaged by the law, as well as to protect your child’s privacy—you should have precise information on who has access to your child’s data and under 48

which conditions. You should be determined and persistent in asserting your rights envisaged by the law, which will protect your child from potential unpleasant situations not only immediately after the adoption but also later in life. – Kindergarten and school. As most children, your child will probably go to kindergarten. In this period, as well as later, you should decide and choose whether you will tell any of the teachers that your child is adopted and which one(s) they will be. It does not mean that you will hide the fact that your child is adopted, because you will also share this information with your child at a certain point, in a way that suits his or her age, and your child will grow up with that information.

Still, you should keep in mind that people are different and that sometimes teaching staff is not adequately trained to cope with this kind of situation. Besides, the way you became a parent and got a child is not something that you should share openly with everyone, although it is not something that you should hide either. In the same way you would choose not to tell your child’s teacher if you gave birth by cesarean section or conceived through IVF, you are not obliged to share the information of your child’s adoption if you feel that you should not. The truth is that most teachers will receive this information in an appropriate way and will be of help to you and, more importantly, to your child in some delicate situations. That is when the adult who is with your child can be of assistance, for example, when children learn about the members of the family as a part of school curriculum, and the conversation extends to a discussion about child adoption.

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– People’s reactions. Friends and family who love and know you well will most likely give you support when you decide to adopt a child. This kind of support will mean a lot to future parents, who came a long way before they decided to adopt and who are emotionally exhausted.

Although the intentions of some people from your surroundings are nothing but good, these people can disagree with your decision and might try to “open your eyes” to the downsides of adoption by trying to persuade you to keep on trying to conceive naturally and listing all the couples that had finally succeeded after a number of years. It can also happen that somebody from your surroundings disapproves of the adoption and expresses his or her opinion during the adoption process or after it has been finalized. Regardless of the kind of objections you are presented with, you should kindly but decidedly discourage these people from any further talks on the subject. There are certain decisions and choices in life that everyone makes for themselves without providing anyone with justifications for his or her actions. Your decision to adopt is definitely one of them. You should not spend too much energy trying to explain your attitude and decision to people. Not everyone has to like your decisions, nor should all the people from our surroundings approve of them.

Commentaries and questions related to the specificity of the given situation will most probably pose a challenge to a certain degree, since the members of your family may express curiosity regarding your child’s biological origin. Protecting your child’s privacy is very important in these situations.

Details about your child’s origin that you have found out 50

from his or her file should not be disclosed to anyone under any conditions, no matter how close they are to you. Data on the biological parents, the child’s origin etc. should be kept between the three of you exclusively—the child, who you will certainly disclose details to when he or she is mature enough to understand them in the right way, your partner and you.

When the child grows up and acquires the right to read the adoption file, he or she will be the one who will decide whether to share the information or not, and who to share it with. It would be very bad if you disclosed the information to anyone and it led to your child finding out about his or her adoption from a wrong person at a wrong time. It is not something that you should play with. You should consider yourself a keeper of the adoption information and react to your friends and family’s curiosity accordingly. Although their curiosity is understandable and well-intentioned, you should come up with a kind but firm answer, such as: “We can’t tell you that. The information is confidential and the child will find out about it when the time is right, and then he/she will decide whether to share it with others.”

When the child comes into the family, your family members and friends will most likely shower him or her with gifts and attention. Enjoy these moments, and let the child, if he or she is a little older, enjoy the moments of attention and affection too. You finally have a reason to relax and be happy, which is quite understandable. When people have a child naturally, the days after the birth are also full of happiness, and the baby is showered with attention and gifts. Having a similar atmosphere when an adopted child arrives in the 51

family is quite understandable and normal. You should enjoy the moments with your child and the people close to you and celebrate that you family has just got bigger by a much desired member!

Feelings – Decision. Making the decision to adopt is not easy. It should not be easy. We do not choose our parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, but we choose our friends and our partner. The truth is, if things start to go wrong, relationships between partners and friends can fail. Although it is a difficult experience, such relationship ruptures happen.

The only relationship that we can’t break off and that is the most complex relationship that we will ever establish with anyone is the one with the child. Therefore, it is alright if the decision to go through with the adoption is not easy.

The best thing would be to think about all the peculiarities that this kind of parenthood implies and think about them hard, question your partner’s as well as your own motives, fears, doubts and expectations, as well as study the information that adoption experts will provide you with. If the Center for Social Work of your municipality organizes the School for Parents, you should definitely attend it. The process that you will go through in the School for Parents will be very important and useful in terms of expert information.

Although you will get a lot of useful information and advice, sometimes you may not feel comfortable when faced with a very direct approach of a psychologist. You should keep in mind that that their goal is to face you with the challenges 52

that are before you, open your eyes and make you fully reexamine your motives and emotional capacities. Detailed and sometimes not very pleasant questioning of potential adoptive parents’ motivation is in the child’s best interest, since future parents have to be fully aware of what awaits them if they adopt a child. Before we become parents, regardless of the way it happens, we tend to look upon our role as a parent through rose-colored glasses. The preparation for adoption implies facing the difficult side of parenthood and evaluating the preparation and motivation for this segment particularly.

– Waiting. If you have finished the adoption process or if it is still in progress, you probably deserve a medal for all the waiting, efforts and desire to become a parent. There are not many people in our culture who wish to adopt if they have already become parents naturally. The ones who have decided to go through it after a long period of trying to become parents naturally are much more numerous. Therefore, to put it simply—after everything that you have gone through: facing infertility, trying to solve that problem in some way, unpleasant medical interventions, taking the entire process very personally, dealing with the pressure on the relationship with your partner, making the final decision to adopt—it is not easy at all. Emotionally, the beginning of the adoption process is quite demanding. However, the very fact that you have gone through all that says a lot about the energy and the psychological capacities that you have. You have already proved that you are a true fighter and therefore you should have faith in yourself that you will be able to clear the last hurdle!

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– After the Adoption. You have finally accomplished your goal and thought that it was finally over with all the obstacles on the way, however, in the emotional sense, things just start to become complicated. Love is not the issue, since it was the emotion that got you to the child in the first place. But, what happens with the negative feelings? Is it not bad to have negative feelings? After all our child has been through before the adoption, does he or she not deserve the parents that are only full of love and commitment? And what is wrong with you if, after everything that you have been through, you have negative feelings towards your child, feelings that you are afraid to admit to yourself, let alone to talk about them with someone else? After you ask yourself these questions, there is a feeling of guilt and self-examination: am I a good parent?

One important thing should be made clear at the outset. It is not a supposition, or a personal opinion, but a fact: each and every parent has negative feelings towards their child from time to time (although some would not admit to it even if their life depended on it). For example, when your child is crying for the countless night in a row and nothing you do will make him or her stop, when you have to make lunch although you have a headache, you had a difficult day at work, you had an argument with your partner, you have an overload of responsibilities, while, at the same time, your child is uncooperative and is crying for no apparent reason, sulking, throwing fits, ignoring you, being cheeky, throwing toys, saying that the foster family was better or: “You’re the worst 54

mom ever!” Situations of this kind are endless, and when we find ourselves in them we often feel like jumping out of our skin or simply running away as far as possible, far away from everything. In these situations, you will not think that your child is the dearest person in the world, on the contrary, you will be angry, discouraged, disappointed, worried, and then you will shout, or cry, or punish the child even without a good reason, or simply remove yourself from the awkward situation, or all of this… But, the important thing is to know that all this is completely normal! Parents, regardless whether they had a child naturally or in some other way, are not supermen who are always full of love and who do everything in the best possible way all the time. The simply are not. Such parents do not exist, and, honestly speaking, if the existed, they would be awful parents. In other words, a perfect parent does not exist, and should not exist. Therefore you should relax and be a good enough parent. Good enough is the best that any of us can do.

Nothing more is required.

Teška pitanja Dok odluka o usvajanju polako sazreva ili dok iščekujemo ishod procesa usvajanja, pa i posle toga, mogu nas opteretiti pitanja i dileme koji su ponekad takvi da se bojimo i sami s njima da se suočimo, a kamoli da s nekim o njima razgovaramo.

– Kada i kako reći detetu da je usvojeno? Dete treba da zna da je usvojeno. Nikako nije dobra ideja da se ta činjenica krije 55

CONCLUSION … children are not there to be raised or to be lived for; we should live with our children, and love each other…

Living with them is what we should do!

Prof. SVETOMIR BOJANIN

A while ago, I read something that a mother had said.

“Children are an enterprise that requires a lot of investing, which sometimes pays off and sometimes it doesn’t.” I do not know if she had her child naturally or in some other way. If we observe parenthood from the point of view of someone who has invested a great deal over the years—emotions, time, hopes, fears, even money—in order to become a parent, then these “investments” are far bigger in people who have struggled to become parents than in the ones who became parents easily and without any problems. Still, it appears that our perception of a child as an enterprise that requires investments has nothing to do with the way we became parents. Apparently, it is how some people see it—a child is 73

something that requires investments. Parents invest: their time, provide a child with English lessons, ballet, love, karate, French lessons, attention, grandiose birthday celebrations, summer vacations, tennis lessons, toys, winter vacations, etc., and expect: gratitude, feeling of pride, straight A’s, finished musical school, winning at competitions, various diplomas, a good, influential job with a big income, then a grandchild, attention when they grow old… Although this “investment plan” may seem fine at first glance, nobody feels happy in the end, neither the “investor” not the child, regardless of whether the “enterprise” succeeds or not. Why? Because, if we do that, we are reducing parenting, which is the most complex and the most important relationship that we can establish with anyone, to trade, and that can’t be good. Even if we are not aware of it, this kind of emotional trade is basically a manipulation that serves to meet our own unfulfilled needs. In this kind of relationship, someone is always let down (“Is this how you thank me?!”), and everyone feels guilty. In the long term, neither parents nor children can be satisfied; on one hand, there will always be something new that a parent expects from a child to do, while, on the other hand, the child will constantly strive to please the parents and will not get what he or she needs.

Luckily, we can perceive parenthood in a completely different manner—as a privilege to have an opportunity to develop the most precious of all relationships that can be established among human beings. If we perceive parenthood in this way, then we will not hurry from one private lesson to another, 74

nor will we be unhappy if the child does not have straight A’s all the time; it will not be the end of the world if he or she does not go to the best university in the country or give us a grandchild. We should ask ourselves: What is my child really like? What does he/she need? When we do that, we will start finding out who our child is and what his or her traits, talents and needs are, and we will try to help our child to develop his or her potentials, which ever they are.

Apart from that, you will not make philosophy out of raising a child. What you should do is praise and caress your children when they do something good, and scold and punish them when they do something wrong—it is as simple as that.

Sometimes there will be difficult moments, when we will feel discouraged, scared, worried, angry… which is completely normal. These moments and periods do not mean that we have failed, nor do they mean that there is something wrong with the child. It simply happens.

We should try to escape the everyday rush and spend as much time as possible with the child, avoiding the trap of overprotecting the child. We should spend quality time with our child and enjoy the fact that we are parents—we should laugh, talk, do homework, make pancakes, play dominoes.

Nothing spectacular—we should just live and enjoy with the child, always be there for him or her, but also believe in your child and encourage independence, catch him or her when they stumble or fall. And, of course, feeling grateful for the privilege of being parents, we should give and receive the most important of all—love. It all started with love in the first place 75

A Note about the Author Nevena LovrinÄ?ević graduated from the Department of Clinical Psychology, the Faculty of Philosophy, Belgrade University. In the course of twenty-five years of clinical practice she has worked with children and adolescents, focusing primarily on psycho-diagnostics, sleep disorders as well as the prevention of emotional and behavior disorders.

She is the author and the organizer of widely acclaimed seminars Efficient Disciplining: Approaches and Techniques and Personality of Pedagogues and Teachers as Factor in Education Process, intended for pedagogues, teachers, psychologists and educators. The aim of these seminars is the development and strengthening of social and emotional competences of professionals who work directly with children, so as to create a more efficient pedagogical approach that contributes to a more balanced, healthier and happier development of children.

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Apart from this one, the Creative Center has published other popular psychology books written by Nevena Lovrinčević: • Teach Your Child How to Sleep—how to teach your child to fall asleep alone and sleep all through night quickly and with little effort; • Traps for Parents—how to recognize and avoid the most common mistakes parents make and become better parents; • Discipline without Physical Punishment—everything about simple, efficient, non-violent disciplining techniques; • Learn How to Get Angry—a book from which parents will find out that it is alright to get angry, but in the right way; • Who is the Boss in Your House—how to establish or reestablish the lost parental authority.

The author communicates with the reader in an unpretentious, pragmatic and simple way, while the advice that she gives is clear, applicable and based on verifiable information. The author believes that parents should raise their children in a relaxed manner and with joy, guided by two principles: unconditional love, on one side, and clearly set boundaries, on the other.

She lives in Belgrade with her husband and three children.

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his book is based on the experience of couples who have become parents the hard way—after a premature labor, in vitro fertilization or adoption.

Although it brings great joy at the end, the hard way implies clearing many obstacles along the road. Premature labor, coping with infertility diagnosis as well as the dilemmas and problems that accompany the processes of in vitro fertilization or adoption are stressful and often produce impact on partners’ feelings, their relationship, their relationship with the child, as well as the relationship with other family members. Sometimes partners have to make difficult decisions that require great mutual support.

Parents (or potential parents) dealing with these situations can find a lot of advice in this book on: • How to cope with complicated feelings and dilemmas that can’t be avoided if one is becoming a parent the hard way; • How to find a way to deal with stressful times in the best possible way; • How to create a positive environment for themselves, their children and the entire family, and live their lives as happily as possible.